The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s01e03 Episode Script

What dog did he steal that sweater from? Probably his wife.
Good God, who shot the couch? Give her a break, Hilary.
She just won the Kentucky Derby.
Who's that lady with Nell Carter? That's not Nell Carter.
That's my father! God, you're so shallow.
I hate you.
You're stupid and ugly and I wish you would die.
- Sorry.
- Okay.
Look at her! Brake! Hit the brake, Will! - What in the hell are you doing? - I'm sorry.
It ain't my fault.
I panicked.
That squirrel came out of nowhere.
Philip, I'll call the manager and have him remove the cart.
Oh, let's just draw more attention to ourselves.
- Get in the cart, Vivian.
- No.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Banks, but no golf carts in the dining room.
You've certainly made a name at this country club.
I wouldn't be surprised if they revoked our shuffleboard privileges.
That's fine with me.
This place is wack.
I'm out of here.
Hold up.
Special bulletin.
Hormones to Will.
Hold up yourself, Will.
That's Mimi Mumford.
You can't get to first base with her unless you impress her father.
He's an eminent surgeon, a championship polo player and around these parts, he's known as Dr.
No.
- Why do they call him that? - Because he never says "yes.
" No young man is good enough for his daughter.
He ain't gonna have a chance to tell me no 'cause I ain't gonna ask.
Mimi, if you're not busy on Friday night would you like to accompany me to the Apple Blossom ball? No.
What's your name, boy? What school do you go to? What college are you applying to? What's your career plans? I'm just a sophomore, sir.
I don't really know yet.
Out of here, son.
You disgust me.
So, what kind of guy does Dr.
No say yes to? Fellas with good grades, good manners, good looks.
In a word, me.
So why haven't you made your move on Miss Mimi? Not my type.
Doesn't tickle my fancy.
Well, she can tickle mine.
If only wishing made it so.
Let's face it, Will.
You lack the social graces to impress someone like Dr.
No.
Boy, you must be on dog food.
I am the most handsome, the most intelligent and unequivocally the most flamboyant bachelor since Billy Dee.
This isn't West Philly, Will.
It's Bel-Air.
And the women here are different.
I guarantee you Dr.
No will say no.
- Yeah? I bet he won't.
- I bet he will.
- I bet he won't.
- I'll bet he will.
Who says the art of conversation is dead? All right, Will.
You think you can be a gentleman? How do you propose on going about it? Carlton, it's very easy to be a geek.
All I have to do is follow you around for a day.
It isn't as easy as it looks.
And with your father's permission I'd love to escort you to the Apple Blossom ball.
I had no idea you two were getting along so well.
What's going on here, Carlton? Will's got a thing for Mimi Mumford so I'm teaching him how to be a perfect gentleman.
I want a piece of this.
Observe, Will, this is how a perfect gentleman talks to a young lady.
"Say there, Mimi "might I say that you rate a perfect 10 on my niftiness meter?" I don't think so.
Uncle Phil, how did you used to crack on the girlies? What I'm about to tell you is going to change your life forever.
- Are you listening? - Yeah.
First, I take her hand then I stroke it gently but imperceptibly Iook deep into her eyes, blow gently in her ear let my mouth curl up into a smile make a low, rumbling, hypnotic sound.
Philip, that's what you did on our first date.
- That's right.
- You're lucky you got a second one.
Allow me, sir.
Certainly, Geoffrey, if you think you can do any better.
Mademoiselle.
My life was but a mere whisper until you entered into it.
Whether it was chance or blind fate or kismet, if you will, that brought us together I would be remiss to let this moment pass without telling you how deeply you have affected the very core of my being.
Baby! - The fish knife.
- Yeah, right.
No, it is right.
He got it right.
- He got it right! - He did? Get your own geisha.
Excuse me, Master Carlton.
- You were saying? - Will, he picked out the fish knife.
Will, I want you to pay very close attention.
Which one is the shrimp fork? By george, I think he's got it.
I think he's got it.
Where did he get that jacket? Probably off the rack.
- Did you hear about his Jaguar? - The one he bought secondhand? Okay, just remember you're from Connecticut you're transferred to Bel-Air Academy, and you row on the crew team.
Now, where did you transfer from? Bend over.
It's Andover.
We're going back home.
I was joking, man.
Relax.
Hook it up.
I beg your pardon, Dr.
Mumford.
I have a friend who's new in town.
He's the new star on the crew team.
Would you like to meet him? No.
I respect your wishes, sir but I'd just like to say kudos on that polo match.
Super form.
You saw it, huh? Excuse me.
I didn't get your name.
Smithers, sir.
Kip Smithers.
Have a seat, Smithers.
- May I join you, sir? - No.
What school do you go to? What college have you applied to? What's your career plans? Bel-Air Academy, Princeton, and thoracic surgery, sir.
Thoracic surgery.
That's my field.
What aspect of it interests you the most? The cutting part.
That's the part I like, too.
Listen, I'm glad you're a fan of polo.
I have a very fine string of Arabians.
Really? With turbans and everything? Very funny, Smithers.
You had me there for a moment.
I thought you were a blithering idiot.
There's my daughter.
Would you like to meet her? Gosh, sir.
There's a big question mark on that one.
I seem to be painfully shy with the fairer sex.
Nonsense.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Poodles.
There is someone I'd like you to meet.
Mimi, Kip Smithers.
Varsity crew from Bel-Air.
A gentleman and a scholar and soon to be a fine surgeon.
You flatter me, sir.
I'll just leave the two of you alone.
- Mimi - Look, before you get yourself all worked up into a lather, I just would like to say this.
I am sick of you white-washed, preppy stuffed shirts.
What? I don't need some stooge who's going to play up to my father.
I want a real man.
Someone dangerous.
Someone exciting.
Someone from the streets.
- What's so funny? - Yo, baby.
Your prince is in effect, baby.
I'm not down with this preppy nonsense.
Carlton told me to do this.
I'm definitely straight out the 'hood.
That was the worst homeboy act I've ever heard.
It's not an act.
It's the real deal.
Yo, C! Come here! Mimi.
Kip.
Carlton, would you please tell her who I really am? - Who you really are? - Yes.
He's Kip Smithers, from Connecticut.
He transferred from Andover to Bel-Air, so he could row with the crew.
No.
Tell her where I'm really from.
England? For future reference, Will, our club frowns on strangulation.
This is all your fault.
You got me into this mess.
- Me.
- Yeah! This preppy nonsense.
I knew women didn't like that mess.
If I would've had my way, I would've had my way.
Congratulate me.
It took all day but I finally found the perfect pair of alligator pumps to wear to the Save the Everglades rally tonight.
- Will has a crush on Mimi Mumford.
- That fat girl? Mimi is not fat.
Not today.
Liposuction.
She's been vacuumed more times than a hooked rug.
She looks good now, right? I don't see your point.
Just wave a chili-cheese dog in front of her nose and see how much of your arm you come back with.
Will.
So, how did it go with Mimi Mumford? He struck out.
Okay, Will, you've taken advice from Carlton, from Philip, and Geoffrey but you have not gone to the most logical source: the woman of the house.
Before I was married, I had my share of admirers.
A sorrier bunch of deadbeats you'll never meet.
The ones that I was most attracted to were the ones who were secure enough to just be themselves.
And that's my advice to you.
Just be yourself.
Thanks, Aunt Viv.
So, Will, are you going to take Mom's advice? Man, you got to be crazy.
Mimi wants a street-wise, Harley, bad-to-the-bones type guy, man.
If I could show her that I'm dangerous, I'll have her like that.
I'll bet you wouldn't.
- I bet I would.
- I'll bet you wouldn't.
- I bet you wouldn't.
- I bet you would.
See, I fooled you.
Remember, I'm wanted in five states I'm hiding out from the police for robbing a gun store - and what did I do before then? - You went to Penn State.
I went to the state pen.
Sorry.
I thought Penn State was bad enough.
Mimi, top of the evening.
Carlton, for the 900th time, no, I will not go out with you.
- I thought you said she wasn't your type.
- She isn't.
She's too negative.
I'm not here for that.
Although if you just gave it some objective thought Anyway, I'm here for him.
Does he need to go to the bathroom? No, he's just being his bad self.
What you saw before was just a charade.
Kip is his street name.
K-l-P.
It stands for conceived in prison.
He's my cousin and he's from the Bedford-Stuyvesant region of Brooklyn wherein he is a felon.
Okay.
Then what's he doing here in Bel-Air? He's living with us to escape, and I quote, "the man.
" Voila.
I thought you said he rode crew.
No, baby.
You misunderstood.
He said I wrote for the 2 Live Crew.
But, see, they kicked me out because my lyrics was too abrasive.
He's as nasty as he wants to be.
I kid you not.
Baby.
You look so good I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all.
Yo, baby, Fresh Prince in full effect.
It's time to get busy.
You can't hay, can you, baby? You work on that, all right, baby? Salutations, Doctor.
This is quite an intense shindig, huh? Listen, I just want to find out how things are going with Mimi.
I'm having a little trouble breaking the proverbial ice, sir.
I hope I don't embarrass myself, being in your illustrious presence and all.
Don't worry.
I'll just make myself scarce but, I do have one piece of advice.
- Be yourself.
- That's a natch, sir.
This music is def, exceptionally def.
Carlton, beat it! I'm dope.
Yo.
What were you talking to my father about? I told him if he don't stay out my face, we would take it to the street.
Baby, you close your eyes when you dance with me.
Salutations yet again, Doctor.
Just a thought.
Mimi loves horses and you love polo I thought that might break the ice.
Thanks for the prescription, Doc.
Enough said.
What were you talking to my father about this time? I wasn't listening to him, baby.
I was stealing his wallet.
Kip, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you before.
I should have seen right through that thin charade.
Let's go someplace and get busy.
Yes, ma'am.
- But first, I want you to rap for me.
- What? You know, let me hear some of them abrasive lyrics.
Okay, baby.
This one I got banned in Buffalo for.
And that is just the type of music we will not let our children listen to.
Smithers, what is the meaning of that ridiculous hat? Who put this on my head? Daddy, isn't he funny? No.
He disgusts me.
Get out of my sight.
Wait a minute.
You can't talk to him like that, Daddy.
He's practically a convicted killer, and I love him.
A convicted killer? Who are you? All right, look.
I'm not a young republican from Connecticut and I'm not a hood from Bed-Stuy.
I'm Will Smith from West Philly and I've been busting my butt all night trying to impress you and trying to scare you.
And I'm exhausted.
I'm going home, and I'm going to sleep 'cause, baby, ain't no girl that fly for me to go through all this trouble for.
Yo, baby.
What's up? Miss Hilary.
Did you have a good time at the Save the Everglades fund raiser? Geoffrey, these events are not about having a good time.
They're consciousness-raising experiences.
When you hear about all of the species that are on the brink of extinction it's grim, grave, and very sobering.
- Tom Cruise was near tears.
- Wasn't he gorgeous? So there I was, G, then this real fly honey walked by, right? So I decided I'll just be myself.
I said, "Yo, baby.
" And she loved me! - Then what happened? - Well, then her husband came in.