The Full Monty (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

1
["FIGARO'S ARIA" FROM THE
BARBER OF SEVILLE PLAYING]
[VOCALISING TO "FIGARO'S ARIA"]
[VOCALISING CONTINUES]
[ALL VOCALISING]
[PHONE OPERATOR] Thank you for holding.
You are number three in the queue.
- Get in. Three.
- Yes!
- [MUSIC CONTINUES ON PHONE]
- Nervous.
[ALL VOCALISING]
Enough. What is it, a stag night?
They charge for them
phone lines and all.
He said, "They charge for
them phone lines and all."
Guy.
[SIGHS]
Go on then. Get him a slice of cake.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[CLINKS MUG]
[SIGHS] And another round of teas.
Thank you.
[MUSIC STOPS]
Hello? Hello?
[PHONE OPERATOR] Thank you
for holding, Mr Mitchell.
I've checked with my supervisor,
and your nearest disability
assessment is in Castleford.
But But how am I gonna get to Cas?
I live in Sheffield.
And my mobility scooter
only does eight miles
to the hour on a full battery
with a following wind.
I'm afraid travel arrangements are
the responsibility of the client.
Number 17 bus goes to Castleford.
Discontinued, mate. Like every
other fucking thing around here.
[PHONE OPERATOR] Hello?
I'm only authorised to
speak to the client.
[WHISPERING] Ask about travel expenses.
Do I get travelling expenses?
Ha! Dream on.
I'm afraid travel to
and from the assessment
is the responsibility of the client.
But how am I gonna get there, kid?
I'm obliged to inform you that
failure to attend the interview
will automatically make you ineligible
for disability living allowance
and therefore categorised
as fit for work.
Fit for work? He's only got one lung.
And a dodgy leg.
He's diabetic.
Frankly, it's a miracle the
old bugger's still alive.
Cheers, lads.
Look, I just read out what
it says on the computer.
Don't shoot the bloody
messenger, all right?
[LINE CLICKS, DIAL TONE]
- ["FIGARO'S ARIA" RESUMES]
- [SIGHS]
Well, that went well.
[ANT MUMBLING] these voices is
good. These voices is my voice.
It's It's a good voice. Good voice
[MUMBLING]
[GAZ] Tea, coffee, garibaldis?
[WHEELS SQUEAKING]
You still here?
Agency nurse never
showed. Surprise, surprise.
And matey's gone all
John the Baptist again.
He reckons Satan's coming to behead him.
- He's in telly room watching Countdown.
- [CHUCKLES]
Had enough sedatives to knock a
rhino out, and he's still going.
So, muggins is on suicide watch.
Give us a cup of coffee, will you?
[GAZ] Here you go, love.
[CLEARS THROAT] Ta.
[GROANING]
[ANT GRUNTING]
You're all right, Ant. You're
all right. You're all right.
You're all right.
[ANT GRUNTS]
You're okay.
[ANT GRUNTS]
You're all right.
- Shit.
- [ANT GROANING]
When the meds are too high,
they can go into spasm.
That were the meds?
Then lower the bloody dose.
Can't. Easier to handle when
they're doped up to their eyeballs.
We're that short-staffed.
Does any of this actually do any good?
It's a bit like MasterChef
with pills, to be honest.
Improvise with the ingredients provided.
- Most of them end up in the loop.
- Hmm?
Zombified with the
meds, crazy without them.
Cheapest way to go. And it's
all about cheap round here.
That's not right, isn't that?
Write your MP, love.
And while you're at it,
mention the pay. [COUGHS]
Oh, and the staffing levels.
[SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE]
[STUDENTS CHATTERING]
Dean. Here.
You all right?
Just wondering, uh
- How's your mum?
- Fine.
- Home?
- Yeah.
- You?
- Fine.
- Home?
- Yeah.
So, summing up, that's everybody's
fine and everybody's home?
Yeah.
Fine.
- Can I go now?
- Sure.
[SIGHS]
["FRENCH SHANTY 1" PLAYING]
Never a truer word, mate.
- Sorry?
- Grand pain. Life in a nutshell, that is.
No. Le Grand Pain.
French.
["FRENCH SHANTY 1" CONTINUES]
It's not "pain," it's "pan".
Le Grand Pain.
- Like Peter Pan.
- Exactly.
It's French, Horse, for "big bread".
Oh, I get it.
Et voilà.
- So, you're doing, um, baguettes?
- No.
Croissants?
- Uh, croissant .
- No.
Flaky pastries with chocolate in?
[DARREN, GERALD] Pain au chocolat.
No. Just baps.
- Big baps?
- Yes, big baps!
Look, this is neither an
after-school French club
nor a heated bus stop.
Arrêt de bus.
I'm warning you two.
This is a café A-A bistro,
where folks come to
exchange money for food.
What the chuff you having?
All right, all right. I will
have a, um A fried egg, um
Oeuf au sandwich. Merci.
Fried egg bap. Coming up.
[SIGHS] I don't know
why I bloody bother.
I was offered a bistro
in Paris, you know?
How I washed up here with
you lot, I'll never know.
Cal, do you want owt else, love?
I'm fine. Thanks, Grandad.
We've gotta get back to school.
Don't call me that. How many times?
[SIGHS]
[SLURPS]
Des has been really weird
since, you know, the dog.
Then they binned her music course.
Mmm. Don't see what
we can do about that.
Any road, she keeps bunking
school and ghosting me, so.
- Well, exactly. Ghosting a bezzie mate
- [CHUCKLES]
What? She loves you.
- She what?
- In a Des kind of way.
Hmm. How'd you know that?
Are you Do you fancy her?
[CHUCKLES] Des? Me?
No. What?
It's okay. You can fancy somebody, Cal.
God, boys are weird.
[CHATTERING ON RADIO]
We're doing self-portraits today.
[GROANS] Yeah.
- Some of us.
- So I see.
Oh. Tenerife?
Hell.
Nice.
You did this?
Yes. It's an ant. I'm Anthony. You see?
[GAZ] I've seen that somewhere before.
Ant.
Gee, love,
all right if I take my friend
here for a wander and a coffee?
If you get me a latte and
don't burn down the place.
Come on, kid.
Are we escaping?
Just for a while, kid.
- That's you, innit?
- No.
What's that then?
Oh, uh Yeah, sorry.
S [CHUCKLES] Sorry? It's amazing!
You're amazing!
[STAMMERS] Are we
going back to the ward?
Are we, bollocks. You're
giving me the full gallery tour.
[FRENCH RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[MUSIC STOPS]
All right.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Grab a menu, kid. Whatever you
like. The world's your oyster.
Oysters are off.
They were never on.
[DENNIS] If it's seafood you're after,
we do a fish finger sandwich
on a Monday and Wednesday.
Ladies and gents, you are
in the presence of genius.
Give me strength. [SIGHS]
Never one to undersell
yourself, eh, Garry?
No, not me, you divvy. Him!
Meet Ant the Man.
Sheffield's next big thing.
You'll all be able
to tell your grandkids
you knew him before he were famous.
And what does Sheffield's next
big thing have to say for himself?
Um
Can I Can I have
a cup of tea, please?
[WHISPERS] Sit here.
[HETTY] Oh, you two.
I'm retired. Bugger off.
It's about Destiny.
Murder, manslaughter, or GBH?
That's defamation, that is.
We did it in civics.
You always were a bright
lad, Cal. I worry for you.
She's really down about her music.
You said you'd help
her get into college.
I did when I was a teacher, yeah,
but I'm not a teacher anymore, am I?
You're not gonna help?
I don't know how else to say this, love.
Retired, fired.
No!
Des liked you.
That's like having a reference
from the Moors Murderer.
That's not very nice, is it?
I'm not, love.
Anything else I can help you with?
Come on, Cal.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
I've been on at the council all
year trying to get rid of that.
Vandalism. Nothing more, nothing less.
The guy whose house it
is said I could do it.
Very good for house prices
is the right sort of graffiti.
That looks like the wrong sort to me.
Don't mind him.
It's graffiti art.
Ant the Man were bigger
than Banksy in his day.
What happened?
He disappeared. Artists do that.
But now he's back. Know
what Banksy fetches?
Thousands. Millions.
Yeah, but I'm I'm not Banksy.
Yeah, well, Banksy weren't Banksy
till he were Banksy, were he?
What was he?
Minimum wage sucker like the rest of us.
My advice, young'un. [SIGHS]
Don't get involved.
Whatever crazy scheme he's
cooked up, just say no.
Spoken with all the ambition
of a school caretaker.
Twat.
[SKATEBOARD ROLLING]
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
Whoa! You need a hi-vis vest on that.
Oh, that'd be fashion-forward, miss.
This is for you.
Won't Jurassic Park miss it?
Good enough for Little
Simz's last album.
Eh. Thanks, but no thanks.
All right. I'll just leave it here then.
I said no thanks.
And I said I'd be getting you
through that Hallam entrance exam.
And I am way more stubborn, even
than you, so don't fucking bother.
Not a teacher. Allowed to swear.
[LIGHTER FLICKS]
So?
What's the catch?
Good girl. Learn that one
early. There's always a catch.
I want you and your mates for one hour
on a Friday evening after school.
Which mates?
Honestly?
The more dead-end, the better.
[SIGHS]
[INHALES SHARPLY]
Four o'clock. Don't be late.
Right. This is gonna be the
greatest comeback since Rocky.
Are you ready to rumble?
Rising up, back on the street ♪
Do you mean homeless?
No. "Eye of the Tiger"!
Ant, wall. Wall, Ant.
Go.
[SIGHS]
Go mad, fella.
Uh, I can't.
Why not?
The-The thing that makes me
paint, you know, the buzz?
It's gone.
Gone where?
It's the pills.
[SIGHS] Th-They They make me
[SIGHS] Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Once upon a time, only way a
working-class bloke can make it were
football, boxing, rock and roll.
But now there's this.
Your painting.
You got summat you can
make real money out of.
I never did it for the money.
That That Damien Hirst.
He lived in a council estate before
he started fucking pickling sharks.
Do you know where he lives now?
A palace!
I'm telling ya.
Being skint is shite
for your mental health.
Now, get on with it. Spray, man, spray.
[BREATHES SHAKILY]
No, I can't, all right? I can't.
Just try.
- Look, I can't.
- Ant, you can.
- I can't, Gaz!
- You can!
No, I can't!
Can we just go back now, please?
- [TV COMMENTATOR, INDISTINCT]
- Go on, mate. Pass it then.
Come on.
That lad was a genius till you
lot bombed him out on pills.
When he gets out of here, he can
go to the self-help group, can't he?
[TV CONTINUES, INDISTINCT]
On the board.
They'll show him how to taper.
Taper?
Gradual withdrawal from the pills.
Loads of people manage without them
if they come off slowly.
Then maybe he'll start doing
his graffiti stuff again.
How does he get out of here?
Well, that's the catch, isn't it?
You gotta be well
enough to get out of here
to go to the self-help group.
But you need the self-help group to
be well enough to get out of here.
[PATIENT] What's he doing?
What is that?
[TV COMMENTATOR, INDISTINCT]
My name's Garry. Everyone calls me Gaz.
This is Gaz's first time at
the Grain of Sand Project.
Welcome, Gaz.
- [GROUP] Welcome, Gaz.
- All right. All right.
Everybody here has had
similar challenges, Gaz.
You're among friends.
All of us have reduced or
have completely withdrawn
from the anti-psychotic
medication prescribed for us.
We do it by gradually
tapering our medication
and sharing our problems
as a group together.
We're here to help each other.
As well as find support for ourselves.
Nice one. Can I just say, I'm not
here for me. I'm here for a mate.
- 'Course you are, love. [SCOFFS]
- I am.
Everything's confidential here, Gaz.
[CHUCKLES] Really, I'm fine.
It's me mate who's mental.
Well, this place is only for people
who have mental health issues,
as we usually call them.
So if your friend wants to come
along, he or she is more than welcome,
but I'm afraid you will have to leave.
Are you joking?
All right, I was too embarrassed
to admit it. It-It's me.
Mental as a talking toilet brush.
That's a very brave step to take, Gaz
Thing is, now, Geoff, it's-it's
the meds. I-I'm not myself on pills.
Normally quite creative.
Bit of this, a bit of that
Painting, mostly. Modern art, you know?
On the gear? Zilch. Nada. Nothing.
You You might say the
creative fire has gone.
I really need your help.
[GROANS]
I'll have to be quick. He's watching.
Twenty-two years you've been together,
and he's still got the hump with me.
Well, you and me You know.
The past.
Sexual electricity and that.
That were 25 years ago, Lomper.
So, come on. What's the big secret?
Well, uh, Dennis don't know, all right?
But I need some money really badly.
Right.
Yeah, I should be able to help out.
You can? Oh, cheers.
Mates, aren't we?
- How much do you need?
- Thirty grand.
[CHUCKLES] Thirty grand?
[LAUGHS] Thirty-thousand pounds?
Well, I'd take dollars or euros.
I can't [SCOFFS]
What the hell have you been doing, man?
I cannot say. Don't matter.
Lomper.
Wait!
These are back from
my weed-dealing days.
Still work.
Start by taking 10% off at a time
just like the beardy guy said.
And-And is it safe?
As houses.
Tried and tested.
Tapering slowly, 10% at a time,
stops the central nervous
system from crashing.
What, the central
nervous system can crash?
No, no. Never.
Not usually.
Unless you go cold
turkey, which we're not.
Few more times chatting
with those nutters,
and you'll be creating like
you never created before.
There you go.
Why you doing this?
Keep telling you, you got talent, kid.
Yeah, but What do you want?
A modest 10% as your manager.
We all have to eat, don't we?
Down the hatch.
I ain't say you look
like Prince Charles.
- You fuckin' did.
- [BULLIES LAUGHING]
I said King Charles.
King Charles Spaniel, the dog, with
all the stupid hair and the low IQ.
[JJ WINCES]
Piss off home, JJ.
- What's it to you?
- I need him.
Cheers, Des.
Friends in high places, JJ.
Wanna talk to me? Go through her.
Shut up, Twiglet. Come on.
[CHOIR VOCALISING]
Oh. Ah, the pink ladies.
And Twiglet, exactly what
we need. A bit of ballast.
I said you'd pay 'em in fags, miss.
If they're loud enough,
I'll pay 'em in bloody smack.
Des, get on the keyboard, will
you? I've got my hands full here.
Tina, love. Do you know
where you are on the scale?
Ten stone four, miss. I'm big-boned.
And it's lovely to have you.
Right. Let's go again.
[MUTTERING]
We have to talk, Jean.
[SIGHS]
Yeah, I know. Um
I don't think, um
We We shouldn't.
Okay.
Right.
I mean, we work together,
and, um, it's not right.
- And, uh, anyway, I'm I'm married, and
- You are.
- You are. To a lovely man.
- Mmm.
So in that particular
respect, no, it's
It's not right.
But in every other respect,
it feels about as right
as it's possible to feel.
To me, anyway.
- What about you?
- Don't, Dilip.
- I've a free period tomorrow afternoon.
- No.
Fine.
I'll be there anyway.
- I said no.
- Fine.
[SIGHS]
Night, Jean.
[DARREN GROANS]
Raindrops keep falling on my head ♪
And just like the man [VOCALISES]
Too big for his bed ♪
Nothin' seems to fit ♪
Oh, raindrops keep falling on my head ♪
They ♪
["FUCK YOU" PLAYING IN DISTANCE]
I see you drivin' 'round
town with the girl I love ♪
And I'm like, "Fuck you" ♪
[VOCALISES]
I guess the change in
my pocket wasn't enough ♪
I'm like, "Fuck you
and fuck her too" ♪
Said, if I was richer
I'd still be with ya ♪
Ha, now ain't that some
shit ain't that some shit ♪
Although there's pain in my
chest I still wish you the best ♪
With a "fuck you" ♪
They don't sing songs like
this at the grammar school,
I can tell you that.
Haven't you got some toilets to fix?
But that don't mean I can't get ♪
I know modern education is all
effing and jeffing, but really.
Go!
But the way you play
your game ain't fair ♪
Hetty. Hetty!
I see you driving 'round
town with the girl I love ♪
And I'm like, "Fuck you" ♪
What the hell do you
think you're playing at?
Well, we've no instruments, have we?
Whatever the bastards
cut from our budget,
they can't take away
our voices, can they?
- Yes, but
- I had a think.
There's a Fisherman's
Choir, an Army Wives' Choir,
an NHS Choir, a Dementia Choir.
I'm betting there's a choir
for people in bloody choirs.
But there's no Revenge Choir, is there?
Well, there is now.
A what?
- Who really cares about their future?
- [SIGHS]
What's out there for them? A job
in a call centre? A takeaway shop?
Give 'em 5G, a pizza, and a bag of weed
and tell 'em to shut the
fuck up and be grateful?
The buggers deserve a tiny bit
of revenge, don't you think?
Hetty, you don't even work here anymore.
Louder!
Wish you the best with a "Fuck you" ♪
[VOCALISES]
I see you drivin' 'round town ♪
Beautiful!
They're swearing, Hetty.
'Course they are. They're angry!
It's like primal screaming with a tune.
No, I don't work here anymore, Jean.
I was fired by my best friend.
I'm a volunteer.
Free music service from a trusted
teacher with 30 years' experience.
Try telling the governors
you've turned that down.
I still wish you the
best with a "Fuck you" ♪
Fuck you ♪
That one's for you, Jeanie.
[STUDENTS LAUGHING]
- [PHONE RINGING]
- [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[DR AMAL] Yeah. Thank you.
All right. Bye, thank you.
How'd it go?
Yeah, good. I think she's
pleased with my progress.
See, the plan's working. In
safe hands with Uncle Gaz.
["ÇA PLANE POUR MOI" PLAYING]
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[SONG CONTINUES]
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[SONG CONTINUES]
Never knew my dad.
Six foster homes before the age of ten.
In Norwich.
[SONG CONTINUES]
Whitest place in the universe.
Not easy being the only
Black kid in school.
[MUSIC STOPS]
What?
[SONG CONTINUES]
I'm out! Halfway house
for a month, but I'm out!
- [CHUCKLES]
- I'm out! [LAUGHS]
- [ANT, GAZ WHOOPING]
- [BEN CHEERING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
- [SONG STOPS]
- [ANT GRUNTS]
[GAZ GRUNTS]
[ALL LAUGH]
I'm free!
[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE]
[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]
Just a first step this.
Couple of murals in, putting
down a deposit on your own place.
Come on, kid. Get that
look off your face.
- [DOORBELL BUZZES]
- You're an artist.
Stick your chest out
and repeat after me,
"I've got what it takes. I'm a winner".
Come on. I'm serious.
I've got what it takes. [STAMMERS]
Oh, yeah, I'm I'm a winner.
That's it. We're both winners.
- Both winners.
- [DOOR OPENS]
Welcome to the Recovery House.
[SMACKS LIPS] This Anthony?
Ah, no, no. Not me, love. I'm his mate.
All right.
Two microwaves. Two kettles.
Locker for your tins. Sink. Fridge.
House rules are on the board.
Here we are. Room four.
Yellow and green front door. Blue
is the fridge. Pink is your room.
It's £20 every time you lose one.
Bet that keeps you in fags.
This is a strictly
no-smoking environment.
Bathroom's at the end.
Thank you. Excuse me.
Thanks.
[DOOR SHUTS]
[SIGHS]
Home.
You ever been in prison?
I'll see you later, kid.
Ah. Pills.
I've shaved 5% off 'em already,
so just take your normal dose.
And remember, you are a
Schizophrenic.
- Winner!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. "Winner".
[CHUCKLES]
See you soon, Gaz.
[GEOFF] Apologising's never easy,
but it's amazing what you
can change when you do.
"Sorry".
It's like a magic word.
[SCOFFS] Never apologise, never explain.
That your motto, is it?
Well, that and no Morris dancing.
[CHUCKLES] Explains a lot.
Meaning?
You're always blaming everyone else.
When things don't work
out, it's never your fault.
- Cas.
- Open and honest, Geoff. My motto.
And I bet you love Morris dancing.
I do, as it happens.
Well, all I would say, Gaz, is
that the simple act of apologising,
saying sorry, can sometimes take
a lot of anger out of a situation.
And that way
there's a possibility of moving forward.
Right, Cas?
- Cas.
- All right, I get it.
I'm sorry.
Apology accepted.
You know, Geoff
might be something in
this apology malarkey.
[PILLS RATTLING]
[SIGHS]
I'm a winner.
Yeah, I'm a winner.
[WATER RUNNING]
That's right. You're a winner.
Tallulah has got her second poo face on.
What does that look like?
Not unlike that.
I'm not in the mood.
Hetty's bloody Revenge Choir
was at it again tonight.
I'm trying to have a
meeting with the governors,
and I'm being drowned out by
every ne'er-do-well, shoplifter,
smoker and pregnancy-waiting-to-happen
singing "As Cold as Ice".
Foreigner, good choice.
I didn't find it funny.
Well, you did sack her.
[SIGHS] Do you think I wanted to?
Do you think it's easy sacking
your best friend? Do you?
You've no idea, Dave.
No idea whatsoever.
No, you're right. I'm
just the caretaker.
Caretaker and dog walker.
I might join that choir.
Just so you know, you have
anything to do with that choir,
and I'm never speaking to you again.
And that's me told.
[SINGING "COLD AS ICE"]
[HUMMING]
[PATRONS CHATTERING]
Thanks for coming, Dave. Appreciate
it. I know you got a lot on.
Yeah. Can't stay long.
- You said it were important.
- It is.
[CLEARS THROAT] Dave,
I'd like to apologise.
Oh?
I've had a long think
about our friendship.
- Right?
- And I've realised something.
Right.
It's not all your fault.
Sorry?
All those years I had to
drag you along with me.
This mithering lump
complaining in my ear,
knocking every good idea
I've ever had on the head.
All that "We can't do
this. It's not legal.
What about Jean? What about Nathan?
What about this? What about that?"
I'll admit, I held it against you.
But now you're not holding
me back. I'm flying.
Me, holding you back?
Yeah. I let you hold me back, and
I'd like to apologise for that.
My responsibility. My bad.
So, to sum it up, I'm sorry.
It's not all your fault.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Cheers.
That's your apology?
Yeah.
And now, if you would
like to apologise to me,
I'm big enough to accept that,
and we could, uh, "move forward",
as the psychotherapy wonks say.
Hmm.
Peanut?
I am this far away from moving you
forward through that fucking window.
[SHEEP BLEATING]
[JEAN, DILIP MOANING]
[MOANING CONTINUES]
- [HORN HONKING]
- [BOTH GRUNTING]
[STEADY HONK]
Right here.
[UPBEAT FRENCH MUSIC PLAYING]
More black paint.
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[ZIPPER ZIPS]
[DILIP GRUNTS, SIGHS]
I'm smoking. I don't
smoke. I hate smoking. I
Dilip, we can't keep doing this.
[SIGHS]
That's what you said last time.
What was it you wanted to tell me?
Oh, uh, you know my mate who
runs the Educational Consultancy?
Well, he's starting up a new office
- in Cornwall.
- Oh, I can see where this is going.
I suppose that's one way of dumping me.
Come with me.
- What?
- Why not?
Eh?
I'm building my own team. There's
a job for you. Of course there is.
Super-duper headmistress extraordinaire.
Dilip, don't be daft.
125 grand a year. House
on the beach. You and me.
But But I-I can't.
- I mean
- Jean, I love you.
[SCOFFS] Nothing, eh?
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Oh, my gosh ♪
These dickheads wanna
rap as if they're God ♪
Wasteman ♪
Who the heck is this knob? ♪
Explaining everything ♪
What that does, this does ♪
[HUMMING]
Still ain't man enough ♪
The not so [VOCALISES]
The not so [VOCALISING]
What was that for?
Pissing Hetty off so much
she had to come find me.
No problem.
Oi, that were my idea.
- [SHOUTS]
- [CHUCKLES]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
Oh, shit.
- [ANT MUTTERING]
- [OFFICER] Oi! Get back here!
I can't find the righteous.
The righteous people.
[MUTTERING CONTINUES] The righteous.
I can't find the righteous.
- I can't I can't I can't
- Ant.
- I can't find the righteous. I can't
- Ant, it's Gaz. Your mate.
Stay away. Satan resides
in this very building.
I must gather an army
of the righteous into the
four corners of the world.
I will fly!
I'm all for it, mate. Off you go!
- [PANTING]
- [WIND WHISTLING]
But you're not really
equipped for flying, are you?
Not got the proper gear. Conditions
and all that. It's very windy.
I mean, you jump off here, hit a
bit of turbulence over Peak District,
go down in flames, one nil
to fucking Satan, innit?
How's that going to
help the righteous, eh?
What?
Just saying. I'd wait for tomorrow.
You reckon?
I would.
All right. Okay. Okay.
- [GAZ] Ah.
- [ANT] All right. All right.
All right.
Good lad.
[WHIMPERS]
- Oh, God!
- That's it, son.
All right. All right.
You're all right, son.
[BELL TOLLING]
So, when did Satan poke
his ugly nose in again?
[SIGHS] When I stopped taking my pills.
What, all of them?
Yeah.
What did you do that for?
Y-You said I was a winner.
You are.
Yeah, but I wanted to
be a winner quicker.
Oh, kid.
[SIGHS]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
Just watch yourself on this.
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
[HORNS HONKING]
[FRENCH MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
Who has a funeral on a Monday?
Dead people.
I-I can't not go, Den. It's
Uncle Dickie. It's family.
Oh, I'll manage.
Is this all right?
Black washes you out.
Thanks a lot.
[SIGHS] Come here.
Now, you know what your
dandruff's like, so watch out.
For God's sake don't go
dancing under any UV lights.
It'll be like the Milky
Way's landed on your shoulder.
It's a funeral. And when were the
last time we went dancing, anyway?
With this place to look after?
I'll be back tomorrow night.
Don't write me off just yet, Dennis.
What?
Nothing.
[ENGINE STARTS]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Hey.
Never gets old, does it?
[ANT SIGHS]
Was it just for the money?
The money?
Yeah, the 10%. Was that why
you were being my friend?
You know what?
When I found out who you were,
I went to see an art dealer,
a specialist in graffiti,
to find out how much
your paintings were worth.
A-And?
Not much.
Fickle bunch of bastards, the art world.
[STAMMERS] So, why did you help me?
Because fuck the art world,
I think you're amazing.
Oh, thanks.
I wanted to help.
Just went about it the wrong way.
I do that.
Anyway, this is me saying sorry.
Where you going?
Not really flavour of the month
around here anymore, kiddo.
They fired you?
Give us a shout when you're out, eh?
I'm like a six-year-old.
Break everything I touch.
Kids, marriage, friends.
Never took responsibility for any of it.
["LA VIE EN ROSE" PLAYING]
[PANTING]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[MUSIC ENDS]