The Great Indian Kapil Show (2024) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Kapil! Kapil! Kapil!
Kapil! Kapil! Kapil!
Good evening and welcome
to The Great Indian Kapil Show.
Archana ji,
something fresh has arrived on Netflix.
-What?
-Stop drooling. It's not samosas.
What then?
There's a new film on the block
called Chamkila.
The director and star cast's flight
-is late by two hours.
-I see.
I think there's some repair work
happening on the runway.
All the flights are delayed.
I'll go get them. See you, guys!
Please give a huge round of applause
for Diljit Dosanjh, Parineeti Chopra
and Mr. Imtiaz Ali.
Diljit paaji, Pari, Imtiaz sir,
welcome to the show.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
You guys have made
such an incredible film! Wow!
You know, paaji,
when the film Chamkila was announced,
I immediately knew
if anyone could play this part,
other than me, it would be you.
-Right. Right.
-Wow!
-I mean…
-And upon the announcement of this show,
it was revealed that it would be streamed
in numerous countries overseas.
Even I knew that if anyone could do
this show, other than me…
-Yeah!
-…it would be you.
Amazing!
-Paaji, you are amazing at what you do.
-Thank you.
He is recognized worldwide
as an international star.
And when you look at this character,
you don't see Diljit anywhere.
You only see Chamkila.
So, congratulations on that, paaji.
Pari, congratulations on the film.
And congratulations on your wedding.
Thank you. Thank you.
This is my first meeting with Parineeti
after her wedding.
-Yes.
-You look very nice.
-Thank you.
-Your husband's very good-looking.
-He's a very handsome man. Wow.
-Yes, true.
He is very handsome.
Tell me something, Pari.
When did Raghav switch tracks
from rajneeti to Parineeti?
He observed how I've been flirted with
on this show for so many years,
so he finally decided to put an end
to the flirting by making a booking.
How can he guarantee that?
With him, there is no guarantee.
Well, jokes apart,
Raghav has proved one thing.
He has always had
a strong hold on politics.
Now, he has a strong hold
on Parineeti as well.
We're going to have lots of fun today.
Please sit down, paaji.
Welcome to the show.
A huge round of applause
for our guests!
Diljit paaji,
you're such a huge superstar.
You have a unique style.
You have your own fan base.
How challenging was it for you to step out
of your comfort zone to portray Chamkila,
and how hard did you
have to work for it?
-It's all my fault.
-He made me work hard for it.
I thought since I am from Punjab,
-I obviously understood Chamkila better.
-Right.
But after meeting him, I surrendered.
The way he stood, the way he spoke,
the way he reacted.
Everything, including
how he would think.
Imtiaz sir had done
extensive homework on it.
And start sound.
Action!
Amazing!
But, Imtiaz sir,
Diljit paaji and I are from Punjab.
-Yes.
-We'd catch his songs here and there.
What inspired you
to make a film about Chamkila?
Actually, I have shot there
a couple of times.
-I see.
-As you know,
in Punjab, the evening is
when people get in the mood.
Right.
Since they get into the mood--
Actually, people often
get in the groove in the evenings.
Very often.
Punjabis have an undeservedly
bad reputation for this. But…
The Punjabi blood is boiling.
He's trying to defend it.
-I mean…
-Yes, they get into the mood.
They have a heart of gold,
so they get into the mood easily.
That was a good cover-up.
We were shooting and this guy
got abusive and started name-calling.
People were about to chuck him out.
I went up to him and asked,
"What's wrong? Why are you upset?"
He said,
"What you are doing is wrong."
-The film was Jab We Met, sir.
-Right.
-It's an awesome film.
-Yeah.
"You are showing Dara Singh's family."
"How can you show the color
of his turban like this?"
"You are being unfair to us."
The costume guy later said,
"What he is saying is right,
but it's acceptable in films."
So, I said to him, "If I had to settle
for what's acceptable in films,
why would I hire you from Punjab?"
"Tell me what the right thing is."
He said, "This guy is right."
Later, we made him in charge of the set.
-I see.
-As long as we shot there,
we kept telling him, "This is what
we're going to do. This is the dialogue."
"These are the clothes. Is it okay?"
And eventually, I started understanding
the different colors of Punjab.
-Sir, the Punjabi community…
-Yes.
…tend to do everything over the top.
Our love is also over the top.
-We're extremely emotional people.
-Drama.
When we love someone, we make
them feel like they're on cloud nine.
And if we get angry,
we chuck them down to earth!
-We are a warrior community, sir.
-Of course.
Sir, you hadn't worked
with Diljit paaji before.
No, sir.
-Was Diljit paaji your first choice?
-Shah Rukh Khan once told me,
"The best actor in the country is Diljit."
-Wow!
-Wow!
Amazing!
Wow!
-Amazing!
-Maybe he was "in the groove".
No, but I believe that
if Diljit paaji had declined this film,
-we would have never been able to make it.
-Wow.
So, we've been very lucky.
-We couldn't have had a better cast.
-True.
Both of them.
Parineeti because she's an actor,
singer, and a person
who was ready to gain 15 kilograms.
It was nice. It was comforting.
Wonderful.
Genuinely, working on a biopic
isn't enjoyable if you look like yourself.
-Right.
-So, I quickly put on 15 kilos
because I had to resemble Amarjot ji.
You know, she performed in shows
during her pregnancy,
so one should look pregnant.
I was under his guidance.
The food that he laid out for me.
All the parathas I ate.
The level of enjoyment
I experienced here,
I doubt I'll have the same amount
of fun in any other film.
I also want a role like this,
where I can eat whatever I want…
But I heard when Imtiaz sir
was making Jab We Met,
Dara Singh ji's role
was first offered to you.
Kapil! Behave!
-It's what I heard.
-There he goes again!
The film was shot in Punjab.
Am I right, Pari?
-Yes.
-And AAP has a monopoly in Punjab.
Aap really have a monopoly…
So, when Imtiaz sir
sent you the script,
did he also attach a note saying,
"Take care of the subsidies"?
-Sorry, sir. We shouldn't say such things.
-No--
But they'll deduct our money if we don't.
I understand that.
It should have been shot now.
We weren't married back then.
Several other films based on Punjab
are being made.
Let's see how helpful you can be for us.
Kaps! Kaps! Kaps! Kaps!
-Why are you here?
-Just hear me out.
I saw at the airport
that some great American leader
was roaming the halls.
-What?
-Yes! Maybe he's coming this way.
All clear, sir.
You can enter.
Oh, God!
Oh, my God!
He's too good!
Namaste, India!
Namaste!
Namaste, Netflix!
Namaste!
Too good!
Namaste, Chamkila!
Namaste.
-Diljit Dosanjh ji.
-Yes, sir.
The international dude!
Yes, sir.
He's the first Indian singer…
to perform at Coachella.
-Diljit ji…
-Yes, sir.
You do so many shows in America.
-You make them dance to bhangra.
-Yes, sir.
People are still doing it. Make them stop.
Half of the American population
has lost an eye due to bhangra.
Sir, how can anyone lose an eye
because of bhangra?
He taught them to do this.
So…
Now they're poking each other in the eye.
-Namaste.
-Namaste.
Parayineeti ji.
Parayineeti!
-Sir, it's Parineeti ji.
-That's a good one.
-"Parayineeti."
-That was before her wedding.
Now, she is Parayineeti.
Sir, this is your first visit to our café,
is there anything you'd like to order?
-My order to you is…
-Yes?
Get out.
Go. Get out!
Get out.
You know, Diljit ji,
I have a friend
who is a big fan of yours.
-Yes.
-And he wants to do a show with you.
Yes, sir.
-Especially in Korea.
-Yes.
Please welcome my friend, Kim Kong.
Too good, man!
Same!
Namaste.
Namaste!
-Namaste.
-Namaste.
-Namaste.
-Namaste.
All clear! Come in! Come in!
Wait a minute.
Kim, why did your security
come after you?
You don't understand, Donald.
They are here for my safety.
If anything happens to them,
what will I do?
He's right.
Fantastic!
You have a truly brilliant mind.
Thank you, Donald.
You should use it sometimes.
Diljit Dosanjh!
-I am your big fan.
-Thank you, sir.
Two days ago, Donald and I
made a reel while wearing a sari.
Love is a destroyer
Oh, my love is a creator
Love is a destroyer
Oh, my love is a creator
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Kim.
There was a mosquito
on your cheek. Mosquito.
"A mosquito."
Guards!
Right before your eyes,
that mosquito could have devoured me!
Yes. Yes.
The three of you couldn't kill
a single mosquito. Get out!
Get out!
Thank you, Donald. Thank you.
You saved my life.
Today, you have won my heart.
Parineeti ji, I saw a man eating a clap.
-A clap?
-What nonsense!
How can anyone eat a clap?
He was. I saw it myself.
I was riding in a rickshaw.
And the driver was…
-He ate a clap.
-A clap!
You fool! That's not a clap!
That's pan masala.
Masala? What is that?
Oh, gosh!
I have a question, Kim.
-Do you know Punjabi?
-Punjabi language?
-Yes.
-No, no, I don't.
Paaji…
this man is a certified son of a gun.
What does that mean?
Handsome.
-Handsome!
-Handsome.
This is nothing, Parineeti ji.
You should see me in a pink suit.
I look like such a son of a gun!
In my country,
I am the biggest son of a gun!
My friend, Donald,
is a bigger son of a gun.
No, I am not.
-You are.
-I am not.
-You are.
-No, I'm not.
You think I don't know Punjabi?
-Very nice. Excellent.
-I know Punjabi very well, son!
Nice!
You did bura things to me!
Now you see.
Guards!
Your guards are gone.
These are my guards.
I am talking to your guards.
I bought them long ago.
Guards!
-Oh, my God.
-Shoot--
No, no! Don't shoot with guns.
You shoot with your phone.
Yeah, shoot a reel.
Make a reel. We live for reels.
Diljit paaji,
you are an expensive singer.
If someone wants you
to perform a show abroad,
they need to pay a lot of money.
The character you played in the film
-also sang songs.
-That's right.
Did you charge them
separately for the songs?
No, not at all.
-Nothing extra?
-If I'm in the film, the songs are free.
-The songs are free.
-Indeed.
-Like a package deal.
-Package.
Parineeti, when you found out
you had to act as well as sing,
you must have paid them instead
because you're fond of singing.
I even said not to pay me for the film.
Don't me pay at all. I'm on board!
Wow!
People also said that
Pari visited Rahman sir's studio
for six months to practice. Is it true?
Yes. Firstly, the Punjabi accent
had to be spot-on.
-Because it's rural Punjabi.
-That's right.
Secondly, I had to sing at that pitch.
Why did Amarjot ji and Chamkila ji's
pairing complement each other so well?
It's because Amarjot ji could sing
on the same pitch,
-which only Chamkila ji could sing.
-She could match with him.
And we were trying to sing
as authentically as we could,
and it was a tough job.
To stay in tune,
to put feeling in it…
That was absolutely impossible.
-And it--
-What she sang in the film
-was recorded live.
-That's right.
-Not in a studio.
-The same way we do dialogues.
They sang these songs there,
at the same time,
-and you'll see this in the film.
-That's amazing!
-Yeah, live.
-Absolutely!
Yeah, seriously.
For that-- It is really a big achievement.
Paaji, how about a little demo?
Listen to me, darling
I am going to tell you the ways of love
Listen to me, darling
I am going to tell you the ways of love
Under the stars
We will share stories
I will keep you like an amulet
Listen to me, gorgeous
My! The gestures of your eyes
Your killer smile bit me like a snake
You have slain me
Listen to me, gorgeous
You have slain me
I am going to tell you the ways of love
You have slain me
Fantastic!
Thank you, paaji.
Thank you, Pari. Come.
You appropriated the music
from Rahman sahab.
Rahman sahab is
a legendary figure in our country.
Did you ever have any doubts
in your mind about the fact
that you're bringing in a chef
from Chennai to make Punjabi cuisine?
What if he makes kulchas
the size of idlis?
Did you ever have any doubts?
I have eaten at his restaurant
so many times.
-Actually.
-Yeah!
-Very good!
-I knew he was a multi-cuisine man.
-Great.
-Very good.
Rahman sahab, we're missing you.
I've met Rahman sir
three times in eight years.
And we even conversed twice.
The first time we met, he said, "Good."
The second time he said, "Thank you."
Only two words. He doesn't speak much.
Look at that man.
He is such a great music director.
He doesn't speak much.
If his car met with an accident,
all he'd say is "insurance",
and then just leave.
And then there's Archana ji, paaji.
You won't believe this.
She comes from Madh Island.
Once, someone hit her cycle.
"Cycle"?
She beat the daylights
out of the car owner.
She said, "It was a historical cycle."
"Babur came to India on this cycle."
She made him pay for car damages
instead of the cycle.
"Babur came to India…"
Diljit paaji, let's play a game.
All of you will wear headphones.
It's an exciting game.
You'll have fun.
I will say something. Okay?
You will have to watch my lip movements
to understand what I'm saying.
-Okay.
-You then need to decipher that
and explain it to Pari,
and Pari will explain it to Imtiaz sir.
Good God! Gone.
Please get the props.
Please come, paaji.
Okay. Wait a second. Take it off.
You're not supposed
to look at us while I'm talking.
Okay? Come over here.
Can you hear my voice?
-No.
-Okay.
Black and yellow taxi.
Black cat…
Taxi.
Testing.
Black and yellow taxi.
Jiju is wearing a maxi.
Black cat testing.
Jiju is wearing a maxi.
-Jiju is…
-Is…
wearing a maxi.
First…
What was the last word?
-Maxi.
-Maxi?
Black and yellow taxi.
Jiju is wearing a maxi.
Black and yellow taxi.
Jiju sent it for me.
Say that again.
Black and yellow taxi.
Jiju sent it for me.
No using gestures.
Black and yellow taxi.
Jiju…
-Six…
-Jiju…
-Three, two?
-Jiju.
-Jeetu?
-Jiju.
-Jeetu?
-Jiju. Jiju.
Brother-in-law. Jiju.
Black and yellow taxi.
Jiju! Jiju!
Jeetu.
-Not Jeetu?
-Jiju, sir.
Jiju is wearing a maxi.
What are you saying?
Jeetu, once…
Jiju is wearing a maxi.
-Maxi?
-Why would jiju wear a maxi?
Unbelievable! Jiju sent it for me.
Jiju, sir. You know, jiju?
-Jiju…
-Black and yellow taxi.
-Jiju sent it for me.
-Jeetu is wearing a maxi!
-Yes!
-Okay!
Okay. Take it off.
-What happened?
-What did you understand?
Black and yellow taxi.
Jiju is wearing a maxi.
-Correct!
-That was correct.
Okay, now you go there,
and you come here.
And you cannot watch
while I explain it to him.
Neither of you can watch. Okay?
Shatranj is called chess.
Shatranj has chess.
My uncle has gas.
Oh, God!
Shatranj told chess…
My uncle has gas.
-My uncle…
-Has gas.
Uncle, oh, essay?
Yes.
Shatranj is…
-Shatranj…
-Judge?
-Shatranj…
-Death.
Shatranj is…
-Slowly. Slowly.
-I can't laugh.
-Shatranj…
-Shatranj…
-Yes!
-Players!
-Shatranj…
-There is…
Of?
-There is…
-There is?
There is Shatranj…
There is chess.
-There is…
-There is?
There is Shatranj, there is chess.
-There is Shatranj, there is chess.
-There is chess.
Yes.
-My uncle…
-My uncle…
-Has…
-Has…
My uncle has…
What was it?
-I can't tell you now.
-My uncle has…
-My uncle has…
-Essay.
My uncle has an essay.
Has a doubt?
My uncle…
-My uncle has zest.
-Has zest!
-My uncle has zest.
-Right.
-There is Shatranj, there is chess.
-There is chess.
-My uncle has zest.
-My uncle has zest.
-Now I have to…
-Explain it to him.
My uncle has zest.
That's the second line.
First one.
Chess.
Shatranj.
-Look at Diljit!
-What is this?
Chess?
In Hindi. Shatranj.
Yes, Shatranj.
There is Shatranj, there is chess.
It's called "chess" in English. Chess.
Look at his face!
There is Shatranj, there is chess.
My uncle has zest.
There is Shatranj, there is chess.
-My uncle has zest.
-Cheating!
-There is Shatranj…
-He is a cheater!
There is chess…
-Now, you say it.
-There is Shatranj, there is chess.
-My uncle has zest.
-My uncle has zest.
My uncle has zest.
Take it off.
What did you hear, Parineeti? Tell us.
She must have heard it wrong.
There is Shatranj, there is chess.
My uncle has zest.
What did you hear, sir?
There is Shatranj, there is chess.
-My uncle has zest.
-Zest. Yes.
The line was, "Shatranj is called chess."
"My uncle has gas."
Anyway, thank you.
A big round of applause
for our guests. Please sit.
-Hello.
-Hi.
Namaste.
Sat Sri Akal.
Sat Sri Akal.
What a coincidence!
A big coincidence.
I'm wearing this chamkili sari today.
And the cast of Chamkila is also here.
Chamkila himself is here.
Actually, my name is Dafli.
-And I work at the duty-free store.
-Oh!
You must be wondering
why my name is Dafli.
I'm from a musical family.
I mean I have a musical shop.
It's called a musical legacy.
Shop!
Legacy is for someone who sings.
We sell musical instruments,
so we have a shop.
In your film Chamkila, you play the tumbi.
-Yes, I have.
-Right?
You know, I ate a tumbi yesterday.
Why did you eat it?
-Actually, my father was having dinner.
-I see.
So, he told me, "Dafli, tum bhi kha lo."
-So, you ate a tumbi!
-You ate a tumbi.
Tumbi!
Here's the proof that I ate a tumbi.
I suppose I'll need to tune it up a bit.
Wait a second.
Oh, God!
That's great!
Very good. Awesome.
Superb!
Congratulations!
-Thank you.
-You got married.
And I couldn't attend.
-Yes, you couldn't.
-Because you couldn't invite me.
That's all right.
I thought of bringing a gift for you.
I have a gift for you.
It's a designer gift.
Bring forth your hand.
Take it.
-What is it?
-It's a designer lizard.
-Oh, God!
-I found it in a Gucci bag.
-There are more designer--
-No. I don't want any gifts.
-I also have a designer cockroach.
-Please, no.
Aren't you ashamed?
You've come here to talk nonsense!
I didn't come here to talk nonsense.
-I came here to sell my products.
-Yes.
But you don't have to buy it under duress
just because a beautiful girl
is selling it.
-Okay.
-No, he will buy it.
He will buy it,
but send a beautiful girl first.
I'm not the same person
I was six years ago.
Now I have a fitting response
for every comment you make.
-I wanted a flavor from you.
-The word is favor, not flavor.
You can have some flavor as well.
-You see, I have written a song.
-Okay.
Imtiaz ji, you get to decide…
The song has already been written.
Whether you want
to use it in a film or make a solo,
-that's for you guys to decide.
-Right.
I want you
to take this song from me.
First, sing the song for us.
Does someone have a stand
with a mic on it?
Bhaiya!
I was looking over there,
but you are coming from there instead.
-Okay, this song is about my work life.
-Okay.
-Imtiaz ji, can you see me?
-Absolutely. I can.
Why don't you just tilt the sofa?
Okay. I work here,
and this song is about my work life.
Not at six o'clock, not at seven o'clock
Not even at eight o'clock
My duty starts at nine o'clock
Not at six o'clock, not at seven o'clock
Not even at eight o'clock
My duty starts at nine o'clock
Not at six o'clock, not at seven o'clock
Not even at eight o'clock
My duty starts at nine o'clock
It's a hit. The song is a hit.
Great!
That's all I've written for now.
It's difficult to sing in a deep voice
when you are a woman.
-Was that your opening stanza?
-Yes.
The rest is still a work in progress.
I only finished this much.
Okay!
If you sing this piece of trash
to someone, they will thrash you.
You don't like it?
-The audience loves it.
-Love it!
-The melody is very nice.
-Lovely!
Thank you. When I found out yesterday
that I would be meeting you,
I stayed up all night and wrote this song.
Since I don't remember it,
I wrote it down on paper.
-Can I sing it for your film Chamkila?
-Sure.
-Yes, yes.
-Imtiaz sir?
Please, sir.
Give me that.
Not that, I want hot water.
Not on 9th April
Not on 10th April
Not on 11th April
Chamkila releases on 12th April
Not on 9th April
Not on 11th April
Superb, man!
-This tune is a hit.
-I've written another one.
Serves you right!
This film is releasing on Netflix.
-Yes.
-Okay.
I have written a song for that.
-Give me the dark note.
-Dark note?
Not 196, not 197
Not even 198
The recharge for Netflix is 199
Not 196, not 197
Not even 198
The recharge for Netflix…
Is 199
Not 197
Not 198
Not at six o'clock, not at seven o'clock
Not even at eight o'clock
-My duty starts at…
-Nine o'clock
Not at six o'clock, not at seven o'clock
Not even at eight o'clock
-My duty starts…
-At nine o'clock
My duty starts at nine o'clock
Excellent.
Very nice.
-Superb!
-That was a very nice song.
Guys, do you want one more?
-No!
-Yes!
Dafli! Diljit paaji and I
have written a song for you.
What?
Not one guy, not two guys
All three guys
Are going to beat you up
Wait and see!
Ill-mannered man!
This is no way to talk to an artist!
A big round of applause!
Superb!
Now you will keep singing this.
-It's a nice song.
-Very nice.
-Amazing.
-Lovely tune.
-This tune is a hit.
-Easy. It's a really good tune.
It's not even that simple. It's nice.
If everybody singing it, it's a hit.
Paaji, I hope you liked our café.
-Please keep coming.
-Thank you, paaji.
-Love you.
-Thank you. Appreciate it.
Thank you!
Come on, let's make a vlog.
Come here.
Okay, guys.
I'm here on a shoot today.
This is Kapil sir,
and that's our entire team.
This is the audience.
Point towards them.
These are the writers.
That's their team.
And that's Kapil's mother.
Greetings, ma'am.
This is the entire system.
This is the new set.
Let me show you the new set.
Come on!
This is Kapil's new set.
Everything is in its place.
And this is the backstage.
This is an airline lounge.
Paaji!
-Look, paaji is leaving.
-I was just going to the washroom.
I was going to the washroom.
It's okay.
That's the wrong one.
Use that one.
-Oh, okay!
-We won't show the washroom.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
This is the entire set.
We're enjoying ourselves.
Look at this. These are the artists.
-See you, guys.
-Okay, bye-bye!
Thank you, guys!
A huge round of applause
for Vicky and Sunny!
I can't find my husband.
This is my husband. I've found him!
-What does that K stand for?
-It's my husband's initial.
K is also my wife's initial.
Well, that makes us siblings!
What do I rub this lipstick on?
Many times, Dad would walk ahead,
only to turn around
and realize Sunny was missing.
He'd be found in the gutter!
Dad stepped out for bread
but returned with a kid from the gutter!
He's taking Netflix and chill
a little too seriously.
You'll end up vomiting the bottle gourd
you swallowed this morning!
Do you think Valentine's Day should be
celebrated on 14th Sharvari--
I mean 14th February or…
Nobody is waiting for your response.
The punch has landed!
This gentleman cracks jokes,
and the lady chuckles at them.
They may take offense,
but that's how they're rolling in dough.
How's the josh?
She'll laugh now!