The Hotwives of Orlando (2014) s01e03 Episode Script

We are going to have prostitution lessons.
Shauna is a little competitive with me.
You know I'm a better whore! Let's have a whore-off.
Shauna is my best friend.
She tried to kill me once.
Kill her! Kill her! So I know I'm in.
My therapist says that I have some issues with every level of existing.
Aargh! Amanda was born without like a soul? You don't have to be Mr.
Right to get with me.
You just have to not have chlamydia.
Every little girl dreams of ending up in Orlando.
I'm living a fairy tale! Showbiz is in my blood.
As is heroin.
"Sugar and spice and everything nice," is not how I would describe myself.
Phe Phe.
Whoever said love is blind, never saw my husband.
I've been feeling a lot of things since the Pimps and Hoes party the other night.
All right, I can do this.
Watch and learn, big girls, watch and learn.
Mostly, I've been feeling a burning sensation when I urinate, but also, the fact that Shauna and I's friendship is, like, really over.
Are you calling me not a whore? Some women are prostitute material and some just aren't.
And that's why I asked her to meet with me.
Hi! You look pretty! Oh, my, my! - I love all of this, you look so gorgeous.
- Thank you.
It's the tan.
Listen, so I called you here today to tell you that we are no longer friends.
That's strange, because I wanted to meet with you today, to tell you, that I don't wanna be friends with you anymore.
I've been thinking since last week, that I didn't want to be friends with Tawny.
But then she has to go and copy me and say what I was gonna say.
It's like, get your own thing.
Let's get some apps.
I was thinking a little sushime.
Perfect.
And then we can really get into details about Because I don't want to be friends with you anymore and I feel like it's imperative that we really get into this because My treat.
No, no, no, I don't want to be friends with you, so I should pay.
No, no, no.
Let me do the tip.
- Okay.
- Because we are, not friends.
- No.
- This is going to be so great.
We'll still hang out all the time.
- All the time.
- We're just not friends.
What are you doing? - What are you doing here? - Hi, baby.
Other cheek no the other cheek.
Hi, baby.
Hi.
Hi, doll.
- Great to see you.
- Oh, you look gorgeous.
- Hi! - Hi.
What are you guys doing here? Well, we came here today to talk about how we're not going to be friends anymore.
Oh, my God! - We're no longer friends! - Yeah, not anymore.
But we're still going to be sisters, no matter what.
Obviously, Amanda.
Blood, water.
Why do I have to always smooth over all these social situations for you? You don't have to do anything, I'm fine.
- Crystal! - Hmm? You know I don't want to step on any toes but, I know you and I were going to meet on Tuesday and discuss not being friends but, Shauna, if you don't mind - maybe we could do it now.
- No, it's fine.
No, no.
- Kinda work her in.
- That would be great, let's do it.
I have to say, you know what, we got to get this out of the way first, because I don't want to spend one more minute being friends with you.
Not another second.
And then you guys can talk and then maybe we could talk about it, because I don't know you very well, but I already know I don't like you.
Sure.
So I would like to talk, about not being friends right off the bat because I don't even want you to think we're even slightly Oh! Not even.
And we're still all going to hang out all the time.
Yeah! But I just want you to know that I don't wanna be friends.
I think that's most important thing.
Understood.
Thank you.
I agree completely.
I was worried that I was going to be bored losing all of my friends.
But now I'm going to be so busy not being friends with them.
Oh, my God! My Tuesday/Thursday is redic.
Cheers! Let's make a schedule.
So first, Shauna and I will break up as friends, then we're gonna do Crystal and Amanda and then we do swap-a-roo.
Yeah.
Just like a round robin.
Love that.
Hey! Phe Phe! Hi! I love that pink on you.
Okay.
I came here to tell y'all, that I don't want to be friends with any of you bitches.
You wanna we could work you in now because I definitely don't want to be friends with you much longer.
I think we have to put her in.
Put her in! Before you fit anybody into any schedule, you better leave some room Shauna, you and I are no longer friends.
Yeah, Alli, I don't care enough about you to not wanna be friends, so thank you.
- Slam.
- Okay.
Oh, that's fine.
Because, Phe Phe, you and I are no longer friends.
Who are you? Who can I not be friends with? Waiter! You and I are no longer friends.
Boy, I just did not see that coming.
I mean, I keep playing it over and over in my mind, is there something I could have done differently? I mean, I sat her next to those women, like she asked.
Have you been sitting here the whole time? Yes.
That's sad.
And I've never thought that about anyone else.
I don't know, I'm really gonna miss her, whoever she is.
This is really a nice time.
I don't like you guys.
I know, I don't like you either.
Cheers! To not being friends.
Get the hell out of here, bitch! Can I get anyone something to drink? And the Lord said, "Let there be shots.
" Nothing mellows us out like tequila.
Oh, Jesus! Oh, God! want to be my friend.
But that quickly dissipated when Phe Phe called me crying, and I told her to meet me at my favorite little place.
Hi, darling.
Hi, honey.
Aw! Aw! I needed to talk to someone.
All right, what's going on? Well I think I might have to leave Rodney.
- What? Oh, my God! - Hmm.
There's been a lot of rumors going around that Rodney is cheating on me.
I spread rumors about Rodney cheating on Phe Phe, because I thought she'd want to know.
And gossip seemed like the best way to get that information to her.
I'm her friend, that's what friends do.
Tell me everything, this is a safe place.
Thank you.
Ladies and ladies.
Welcome to Tools and Tapas.
Now here come some gentlemen who want to hammer away at you all night long! It's not just the cheating rumors you know, every wife of an athlete has to deal with those.
It's a I don't know.
I feel like we have drifted apart.
It's so hard in a marriage when you feel separate from your partner.
It can be very, very lonely.
I mean, it's like, he cares more about the team, than he cares about me! Well, have you told him that? Because that is my biggest regret.
Is that I wish I had just told my ex how hurt I was, instead of being so focused on hurting him.
I know what you're saying, girl, I know what you're saying.
But I just feel like, you know, it's too late for all that.
It's, like, the trust is gone.
Darling, it's very difficult in a marriage to rebuild your trust.
Oh! You know, that's just something that takes years to really get back, when you've lost that, you know? You're so right.
Just listen to your heart.
I was trying to listen with my heart, but that was hard to do with a (BLEEP) my ear.
You're my best friend.
You're my best friend! I feel so close to you.
I've never felt closer to anybody than right now! Helping Phe Phe made me feel all warm inside.
Or maybe it was getting doubled teamed by a pair of strippers, I don't know.
But I was thinking, it was time for all the girls to just be friends again.
So I planned a little get-together.
Hi! Veronica and I are not officially not friends yet, so I decided I would accept her invitation to dinner, but after dessert, we're done! You look good.
Thank you.
You look very nice.
- Phe Phe.
- Oh! Hi! I really worked up an appetite at the strip club, so I figured I'd go to Veronica's dinner, even if all those other bitches were coming too.
Where's Tawny? Not that I care.
She couldn't be here.
She had to meet with a friend of a friend to let them know they are no longer friends.
Can I get anyone something to drink? Oh, yes, yes.
Oh, hi, Amanda! Oh, hi.
Hi.
When Veronica invited me to hang out with the other girls, I wasn't sure I wanted to go Oh, you look lovely! - You look good.
- Okay.
Then I blacked out and I woke up and I was already there.
So, I decided to go.
I think you're going to sit there.
Are you all right? Whoa.
Are these our places, is this Yes.
You can tell a lot about a host by where they seat you.
So what Veronica is saying to me is, "I think you're a garbage person.
" I can't stay long, just so you know.
I'm not planning on staying long.
I also got the men together, because when the ladies aren't getting along, the men really suffer too.
You know guys, frankly, I don't appreciate your wives won't be friends with my wife, because that means I have to spend more time with her.
Yeah, well you know what I don't like? I don't like that one of your wives told Phe Phe about my alleged cheating, allegedly.
Well, someone's telling Phil that I've been sleeping with Tawny.
No one told me that.
Look, you know what, I'm over it.
I don't give a (BLEEP).
Let's go play some pool.
Yeah! It's fun, right? I really, I don't think I should sit here.
I think I should sit, either there or there.
Can you please make special accommodations for Shauna, please.
Crystal's here.
- Hi! - Hi! Oh! Alli, I didn't know you were coming too.
I brought my friend Alli with me because I thought she'd help smooth things over.
She's good like that.
Don't worry, Veronica.
I'm just here to support Crystal.
I'm not here to tell everyone you're dating your pool guy.
What? Yes, it's true.
I am dating my pool boy, Billy.
He really knows how to float my boat.
You get it? You know, check my temperature.
Clean my filter, check it for leaves and bugs.
I don't think that last one had anything sexual, actually.
Okay, everyone just relax.
He's just cleaning pools to put himself through high school.
- Yeah, I get that.
- I understand.
- Hey, Crystal, I missed you.
- Fine, fine.
Stop.
I missed you.
All right! Ladies, the reason that I brought you all here tonight, is because I think it's time for us to all be friends again.
Yes, you're so right.
I've some really great news that I wanted to share with my friends.
- What? - So this morning I made my weather girl debut on Early Morning Orlando! Wow! Congratulations! That's great! Being a weather girl is my dream job.
And since God controls the weather, it's like I get to be his personal spokesperson.
I'm so happy for you.
It's so funny because they had offered me that job first, and I turned it down, but I, I'm glad you took it.
That's so cute.
Yeah.
They offered it to me too, but I just did not want to do that.
Well, they actually offered that same position to me, and I was completely available, but I was like, I would never do that.
Yeah.
I'm so happy that you, that you did.
Yeah.
I mean you're perfect for that.
How come I didn't get the offer? Amanda.
Why can't you just be happy for your sister like everyone else is? - Thank you! - I am.
It's so selfish.
It really is.
Well, you started this.
- I didn't start this.
- You did.
I was just saying that I was offered the job and I didn't want to take it and I'm glad she did.
That means you just started it.
Phe Phe thinks you started this.
I heard what she said, I'm standing right next to her.
Phe Phe, Shauna's standing right next to you.
I recognize that.
Why did Alli have to start all that drama by telling Phe Phe that I was standing right next to her? - Don't yell at her.
- Then I'll yell at you.
I feared something like this might happen if we got together.
I was pretty sure the men probably weren't faring well either.
Can I hear from this section! And the Lord said, "Let there be shots.
" You know what? F women! - Oh! - Yeah! Ah! What's real? Do you know who you're talking to? I grew up in a rattlesnake church.
I'll rip your eyes outta your mouth and shove them up your ass (BLEEP), till you (BLEEP) them out.
All right ladies, if you won't speak to each other, maybe you'd talk to the dead.
Uh I don't get it.
I invited my friend Calliope DeBeaute, to join us.
She's a medium, she talks to the dead.
Actually, I'm what's known as a ghost shouter.
I have the ability to yell at the dead.
Wow.
It's amazing.
There's a TV show based on my life, you've probably seen it, The Ghost Shouter.
Who's in it? There's someone who's playing me as the ghost shouter.
She's not as pretty, but she's good.
Get out of here ghost, you're annoying! Go away, nobody wants you here! You're dumb, stupid, stupid ghost! We hate you! Your house is clear now.
I'll get you all DVDs, I think you'd all really like it.
This party is terrible.
The only thing that makes it better is that I know Rodney is probably having a worse time with the husbands.
You guys are the best.
I love each and every one of you.
I feel like people talk about love this is real love.
Not like, romance love, which seems shallow.
Yep.
I just feel very included.
I'm just sorry all y'all are going to hell, 'cause I'm really enjoying hanging out with you.
Cool.
Calliope really gave everyone someone to hate besides each other.
So, Calliope, we're all pretty fascinated by what you do.
Of course you are, I'm fascinating.
I mean, to talk to ghosts, it's so exciting.
Yeah.
I know.
I don't talk to ghosts, I shout at them.
There is a difference, get it right.
I mean, Calliope has shouted at some of the most important historical figures like Abraham Lincoln - Wow! - Aaron Spelling.
Oh, my God! So she shouts at people who are not there.
In my world, we have a name for people like that.
Crazy! Damn! That was so Phe Phe.
Wait a minute, can you see like dead people that have died recently? 'Cause I didn't hit that homeless guy.
He ran into my car, just so you know.
You guys are all really annoying.
I mean, is the only thing we're going to talk about tonight the fact that I can talk to dead people? Are your lives that boring? Oh, wait! A dead person just told me, "Yes, they are!" I felt bad for Calliope.
I invited her there, because she could talk to the dead, and then that's what everybody wanted her to do.
It's like, inviting a magician to your party and expecting him to do tricks.
Sometimes they just want to hang out.
You know.
Why can't we just change the subject everybody? I'm sorry, Calliope.
- What's so what's so funny? - I don't get it.
Nothing.
I just know how and when each and every one of you is gonna die.
Am I going to choke on this bread? Take another bite.
No.
No.
Wait! We're gonna die? You wanna know how they die? Car accident, cancer, cancer and a car accident.
Smoking, drugs, violence at home.
Are we done? All right everybody, I've got tequila! It was alcohol time, because nothing mellows us out like tequila.
Oh, Amanda, Amanda.
Amanda.
Give it here.
Oh, you want one.
You want one? Hmm.
Um, Calliope As a friend, I just wanted to tell you that, everyone is saying that they like the show the Ghost Whisperer so much more than The Ghost Shouter.
What? Are you upset? Oh, my gosh, that was so not my intention! I mean, the ghosts can't even hear what she's saying, they've told me so.
No, no, they are not right! Hey, excuse me, please take that back, take it back! - Who's she talking to? - No idea.
Excuse you? Excuse you.
My breasts are so much better than Jennifer Love Hewitt's.
Uh! You're dead, you don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, (BLEEP), we've got some ghosts up in here! I can see 'em, I can see 'em.
Yeah, I think I saw a ghost too.
Or it could be the horse tranquilizer I took.
I can hear the ghost, I can feel the ghost Okay, Amanda.
I can taste the ghost.
Hey, hey! Back off, what do you know, you're homeless! Oh, my God! He's here.
I did nothing to you.
You ran out in front of my car.
It's not my fault that I was drinking! What? Get your finger out of my face.
Hey, don't you tell me to calm down, you calm down.
This is bull (BLEEP).
I do not believe it.
What was that? Oh, my Oh, I know that ghost did not just tug on my weave! You do not touch a girl's hair, I will slap a dead bitch.
All right, I'm getting out of here.
Oh, Jesus! Oh, God.
Watch out! I will kill you again! Ah! By the power of the Lord, I cast you out.
(BLEEP) got real up in that séance, that ghost was a dick.
Get the (BLEEP) out.
No one wants you here! Get the (BLEEP) out! Your house is now clear.
Oh, my God, that was so scary! - Oh, my God! - That was so scary! Oh, God, thank goodness.
Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry.
I should never have You guys, I'm so sorry.
I want to be friends with all of you again.
Oh, my God! Yes, please! Let's schedule a time to talk about how we're going to be friends again.
Yes.
Amanda, I'm so sorry I said such horrible things behind your back.
Oh, you guys, we really got through something together.
Alli, could you just get that thing for me over there? What thing? There's nothing like a nice girl's night to get friends talking again.
For the first time Let's schedule a time to talk about how we're going to be friends again.
Creepy episode of Hotwives.
That ghost is a real dick.
It's Matty Greene here, and I'm alive and well and the after show is seconds away.
Two of my favorite guests will be joining us, Alec Baldwin and the E-Trade baby! And we'll talk about if they've ever had any ghostly encounters.
And then make them fight each other in a tub filled with pudding.
So much fun to be had.
Ciao for now!