The Iliza Shlesinger Sketch Show (2020) s01e03 Episode Script

1
[upbeat opening credits playing]
Slip into your house shoes ♪
There ain't nobody like you ♪
And with all your favorite friends
Playing pretend ♪
Pretend, pretend
Oh, oh! ♪
[inspirational music playing]
- [inspirational music softens]
- Hello. I'm Carol Burgess.
I'm running for Congress,
and I'd like to tell you
[pronounces like "h-why"] why.
[pronounces like "Io-h-wans"]
Iowans need a voice that speaks for them.
Iowans need change
after years of Washington gridlock.
Iowans need big ideas.
That's why, if I'm elected,
I promise to address one issue
["h-we"] we all care about deeply.
We need something new to say
when someone knocks on the bathroom door
and you're in there.
It's something lowans all across
our great state can agree on.
We've all been in that situation.
You're in the bathroom.
Someone knocks on the door.
- You don't know what to say.
- [knocking at door]
"Just a minute!" is old news.
"Occupied." Well, that's just weird.
We need new ideas.
Bold ideas.
[knocking at door]
- [knocks]
- Too many times we've seen this happen.
- [bangs]
- It's time we found a solution.
When I get to Washington,
I'll roll up my sleeves and get to work.
On day one in office,
I'll draft a bipartisan bill
that includes a list of things
you could say
when someone knocks
on the door of the bathroom
while you're in there.
Things like, "This might be a while,"
or "What's that noise?"
or "Bathroom!"
I also think
it should be okay to say nothing
and just knock
on the other side of the door
right back at them. [knocks]
[moos]
My opponent, Frank Barnstorm,
has no ideas for things you can say
when someone knocks
on the door of the bathroom
while you're in there.
No excuse for that kind of recklessness.
- I hate Frank Barnstorm so much.
- [graphic shatters]
Do I have ideas about other things?
Not really.
Do I need them?
I don't think so.
So if you agree
that we need new, bold ideas
for things you can say when someone
knocks on the door of the bathroom
and you're in the bathroom, vote for me.
Carol Burgess.
[inspirational music fades]
- [knocking at door]
- [echoing] I'm Carol Burgess,
and I'm in here.
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticks]
[Southern accent] And you know, Halloween
is just around the corner,
and this next costume we have for you
is just so, so cute.
- [soft music playing]
- It is our blond white woman wig.
It is so much thinner
than I thought it would be.
That's what a lot of white women say
when they get their hair dyed blonde
and it gets thinner from the dye
and processing it too much.
Now, my favorite part about this wig,
it's not a lot of hair.
It's not a lot of hassle.
You do not even have to brush this wig,
because there's simply not enough hair.
And it's a fine amount, because you know,
we believe in quality here, not quantity.
You hold that up to the light.
Look at that.
Look at that. Look at that.
Look at that. Look how it shines.
Look at how that light
comes right through there,
letting you know it's not about girth,
it's not about width.
It's about just having wispy tendrils,
corn cob silk coming down,
while you're at the farmers market.
Do not curl it.
We had an incident with a caller recently.
You curl it, it's just
It just does not look good curly.
In fact, I'm pretty sure it's gonna melt.
This is not enough hair
to put into braids.
You probably only have enough hair
for one braid,
and at that point, you may as well
make it a ponytail.
But you don't wanna do a ponytail
with this,
'cause then everyone will see
how thin it is on the side.
So keep it down, under a floppy hat,
on your way to yogalates,
whatever you need to do to feel better
about your crushing self-esteem.
[guitar riff plays]
My favorite kind of stunt
is an office stunt.
This one's gonna hurt.
Skuz is about to come in here,
and she has no idea
what's in store for her. Let's do it.
[blows raspberry]
[yelling] When are you due?
- Oh!
- [women yelling]
- I'm full from lunch.
- [yelling continues]
[chairs scraping]
- Oh!
- [women laughing]
Whoo!
- [chair crashes]
- [women whooping]
[women grunting and whooping]
[soft guitar riff plays, then fades]
[blues music playing softly]
Hi.
I'm Frank Barnstorm,
and I'd like to represent the great people
of lowa's 23rd district.
My opponent wants you to think
I have no ideas
for things you can say in the bathroom
when someone knocks on the door
and you're in there,
but she's flat-out wrong.
I do have ideas.
I always grunt.
An incoherent noise is all you need
in that situation.
[groans] Or [grunts angrily]
Simple, really.
So don't believe everything you hear
about me.
Also, I have a much, much larger porch
than she does.
Just look at this thing. It's a beauty.
You haven't even seen half of it yet.
You want some poor person
with a small porch representing you?
I'm Frank Barnstorm,
and I approve this message.
[grunts angrily]
- [soft music playing]
- All catheters hurt,
but this catheter hurts a lot.
[male host] This week, on a new episode
-of American Top knots
[woman] This is complete baloney.
Uh, Taylor, you didn't even say
you had a crush on Caleb.
That is not the point, Meghan!
You had just gone out
to eat with Bolton at the lake.
So what, Michaela?
There you go.
And she was texting
with Shayden and Colton.
Shut up, Trinity!
- You shut up!
- [yells] No!
Brandy! Get out here
and tell Taylor to shut up!
- Move.
- [yells] Y'all!
Quit your hollering
or you're gonna wake up Jake,
Cramdon, Shayla and Scotron!
You don't get to just tell people
what to do
because your topknot is bigger!
- Oh, yes, I do!
- No, you don't!
- Yes, I do!
- No, you don't!
- Yes, I do!
- No, you don't!
- [Brandy] I do!
- [Taylor] No! I'll take you on!
- Bow down! Bow down!
- [Taylor] No!
- [Brandy] Bow! Bow!
- [Taylor] No! No!
- [Taylor] Ow!
- Get-- Get off my porch! Get out!
- [alarm beeps]
- [automated voice] Mom Alert.
Remember your Aunt Diane?
She choked on big lettuce.
So chew your food.
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
[low voice] I'm Dillon, I'm from Austin,
and I came to serve it up hot.
- [rock music plays softly]
- I'm Delyn, I'm from Nashville,
but I'm originally from Austin,
and I'm ready to jump into that heat.
What's up? I'm Dylan. I'm from Austin,
- and I'm ready to heat it up.
- [flame roars]
I got the ability to shout,
"Watch your back, Ma!"
across the kitchen.
My signature move in the kitchen
is putting my fist in my hand
and then pulling it out.
I'm ready to serve it up.
The heated, the hot meats.
Let's turn up the heat
- and let's get after it.
- [flame roars]
Heat is hot.
And I like it.
I'm not afraid of the heat,
and I'm not afraid of the heat.
My passion is meats,
but my soul is heating up meats.
Did I mention yet
that I'm not afraid of the heat?
- I did? Sick.
- [flame roars]
Local big lettuce.
Local little lettuce.
Local little-wittle,
willow-pillow lettuce.
Oh!
Yeah. I know I won
last week's Drop Crotch challenge.
So you better believe I'm coming in hot.
This squash blossom is from my garden,
where my piggy
likes to take big old thunder dumps.
My motto in the kitchen:
"If you make a dish
and you don't use a blowtorch, why?"
- [flame roars]
- This my spoon,
'cause I love to serve it up hot.
Butch corn, uh
picture of my mom,
'cause I love her so much.
foster dog, foster dog, foster dog.
When I'm not in the kitchen,
you can find me in the kitchen.
Foster dog, foster dog, foster dog,
foster cat. That was a weird phase.
- When I'm in the kitchen, I'm--
- Watch your back, Ma!
Tilda Swinton, using a whisk.
Radish, wallet chain,
mountain lion I saw in my brain once.
Meat cleaver with a bow on it.
Cooking saved [tentatively] my life.
I'm Dillon, I'm serving it to you hot.
Coming at you from heated up,
blazing hot, Austin, Texas,
and we're gonna be serving things up
heat style, with hot sauce.
Hot, not too hot,
'cause the heat's already there.
Dillon, hot, heated up, hot.
[rhythmically] Texas, Austin, blazing hot.
[flame roars]
[slow country music plays]
[slurps] Okay, so, why did y'all
bring me here?
We aren't mad at you.
We just wanna talk to you.
Um, Sis
[sighs] It's about your topknot.
[clears throat] Your topknot
affects us
in the following ways.
We think it makes you angry.
No, wait. My topknot is dope.
This is how I let people know
I have hair on the top
and bottom.
And I know that that message
is important to you,
but it makes you look like
a stupid bitch.
[loudly] This is a fun summer do!
It is skanky!
Hon, you don't have enough hair
for the top
- and the bottom.
- [sister] Dad's right.
Like, it's either gonna be a messy knot,
or just all the way down.
We just want you to look your best.
This is my best!
We know, sweetie. [catches breath]
But it is just
really dumb looking.
[letters rustling]
It doesn't photograph well.
It's stringy, especially on the sides
where hair is real thin.
It doesn't matter how much
you brush your baby hairs forward,
um, it looks like you were in a fire.
- Big fire.
- Big ol' fire.
Or Or that you had head surgery,
and it ain't quite grown back yet.
I asked you if this looked cute
and you said yes.
I know I did, and I did lie to your face.
And you look
like you live in a medieval forest.
Today, it's especially stringy and greasy.
[stammers] I'm sorry. How is all of this
in your letters already?
[strained] We just-- We just want you
to get the help that you need. [sniffles]
Or maybe you could
You could cut some layers into your hair?
Or maybe even
think about going chin-length.
- [pained] Chin?
- Because if you refuse this help,
we will be forced to cut you out
- of all of our group photos.
- Yeah.
- [dad] Yeah
- [mom] Yeah.
- [whining] No!
- [mom] Yes.
[small voice] Don't let them cut me.
Traegus Powder targets the parts
of your muscles that are dumb and bad.
[techno music playing]
[lively] What's up? I'm Ellen Plebles,
and this is the Ripped Fate Dude workout.
Today, I'm gonna be working out
with my boy, Ethan,
and he's gonna be doing
a modified work out.
So, if you're some dude
that blew out his knee
playing junior college ball,
you'll wanna follow along with Ethan.
Let's do it.
Notice the way he's stretching.
We don't know what muscle group
he's stretching or why,
but it's clear from the way he moves,
that he used to maybe be an athlete.
Check out that fighting Irish tattoo
on his arm.
- Hey, Ethan. You go to Notre Dame?
- No.
Awesome. Check out Ethan's core.
This is how he maintains that signature
Ripped Fate Dude middle.
See how it's got a hint of abs,
it's a little thick, almost ham-like.
And notice Ethan's arms.
They can only be described as big.
Ethan, should we show 'em
- your before picture?
- Let's do it!
[Ellen] If you can believe it,
this is Ethan before he started
doing the Ripped Fat Dude program.
And this is Ethan after.
Amazing. See, I designed
the Ripped Fat Dude program
to help men maintain that puffy physique
not just in their early 30s
but going into their late 30s as well.
Ethan, what's your nutrition regimen?
Twelve grams of creatine a day.
That's more than double
the recommended amount.
And I hit the gym every day.
I lift heavy weights
for four to six minutes,
then I sit on the leg machine.
And I eat a Hot Pocket.
[Ellen] That's right.
You'll need all those carbs
if you're gonna drink
seven Bud Light Limes alone,
later in the shower.
All right, guys, let's do a leg workout.
- [feet thud]
- Just kidding. There is no leg workout.
If you wanna maintain the calves
of a malnourished baby bird,
you gotta [slaps thighs] rest your legs.
The good news is the upper half's
gonna look swole as fuck,
because you're not gonna be
using your legs at all.
You're gonna look like a centaur
if they ran out of horse legs
for the bottom
and used a homemade scarecrow
just to make your legs.
But proper nutrition is still important.
[loudly] Protein me!
Now, this gets me hard in the morning.
This I fucking love.
Love, love, love it.
It's got a big-ass straw,
so you can gulp down more protein
than you could ever need.
And what's the Ripped Fate Dude
workout motto?
[all shouting] More protein
for your protein,
we're the Go Team Protein!
Now that's protein.
Drink up. That's the end of our workout.
Nice. Replenish those electrolytes.
And after a workout like this,
I highly recommend passing out
in the sun face up
for at least two hours.
You're gonna wanna get a severe sunburn
that turns into a weird purple tan,
that can only be described
as irreversible skin damage.
- [claps]
- [men slap hands]
[all, gruff] Ripped Fat Dudes!
[techno music fades]
[uplifting music playing]
Frank Barnstorm wants you to think
you can just grunt
when someone knocks
on the door of the bathroom
when you're already in there.
Sure, maybe sometimes.
But this isn't
a "one size fits all" problem,
and it won't have
a "one size fits all" solution.
Our approach needs to be different,
whether you're in a public bathroom
or a private bathroom.
There are bathrooms in restaurants,
airplanes,
hotel lobbies,
office buildings,
and even some hospitals.
What you say when someone
knocks on the door while you're in there,
will depend
on what kind of bathroom you're in.
Is it a stall?
Is it at a party?
What time of day is it?
- Frank Barnstorm doesn't care.
- [stamp graphic thuds]
I do.
I'm Carol.
Sometimes, if it's very quiet,
you can cough real big when you hear
footsteps coming toward you.
That way, the person will know
not to even knock
on the door of the bathroom
in the first place.
They'll turn around and go home.
But if it's loud,
that idea just ["h-won't"] won't work.
When I'm elected,
I am going to fix the crisis
at our border.
The border between the bathroom
and the rest of the place
outside the bathroom.
And that border is a door.
I know my wife is gonna fight hard
for the people of Iowa.
Has she told you about her idea
for something new to say
when someone knocks on the door
of the bathroom
while you're in the bathroom?
Game changer.
How many seats are in a Senate,
and is that the same thing as Congress?
These are some of the things
that I will find out
when you send me
to Washington.
A few years ago,
I heard some states
were introducing Bathroom Bills,
and I was thrilled.
Then, I found out what they were about
and I was appalled.
Trans rights are human rights,
and the government has no business
discriminating on the basis
of gender identity.
That's my only opinion
that's normal and good.
And not to mention,
those bills don't include any ideas
for things you can say
when someone knocks on the door
when you're in there. So.
If I ["h-win"] win this contest,
["h-where"] where do I get to live?
How long does it go for,
and when does everybody vote?
Some questions have no answers,
but when I'm Iowa, I will find out,
and I will get back to you
as soon as I can.
My family and I are committed
to getting to the bottom
of ["h-Washington] Washington D.C.
Won't you help me?
- [uplifting music fades]
- [knocks]
[loudly] I'm Carol Burgess
and I'm in here.
[screen chimes]
[both panting]
[in Icelandic]
[both screaming and groaning]
[exhales]
[male host] Next week,
on American Top Knots
[upbeat music playing softly]
I'm so blessed I found you, Axton.
Who cares about my family
and their wishes?
So blessed.
Tonight we strike.
[soft voice] Redemption is ours.
[upbeat music fades]
- [squirting]
- [dramatic music playing]
[man groans and exhales]
Ah
[sighs in relief]
[frail voice] Now, that's how
we used to take care of business.
Oh, it'd be just you, nature,
and a tree bug covered in hot urine.
[growls]
Times are a-changin'.
[takes breath] People are different now.
We landed on the spoon.
Biscuits went viral,
and people started eating their lunches
in the bathroom.
Ha! [screams]
- [keys jingling]
- [jovial music playing]
Hello, I'm Cashew Albacore.
And I wasn't gonna run for office.
But then, I heard Frank Barnstorm
and Carol Burgess
say something about bathrooms.
And that's when I remembered.
I make locks!
- [lock thuds]
- Raccoon!
[jingles keys] Jingle jangle!
And it's my position
that if a door is locked,
and someone comes a-knockin',
you ain't got to say nothing to nobody.
'Cause it's locked.
So the person on the other side
will figure it out.
[door rattling]
[screams wildly]
See?
They know they're in there. [grunts]
[man] Hello?
[screams wildly and thuds]
I want to do things differently.
I'm the dark whore of this race.
I'm a disruptor.
[playfully] Boogie-oogie-oogie-oogie.
So take it from me,
as someone who's locked a lot of people
in a lot of rooms that they rented,
thinking it was [bangs door]
a bed and breakfast.
The only way out
is the way in! [yells]
Yeah! That's right, America.
Locks!
Not just another word for hair anymore.
[growls indistinctly] Ah!
[spokesman] Paid for in pennies
and vintage buttons
by the campaign to elect
Cashew Albacore to something.
I'm Cashew Albacore,
and something is wrong with me.
[grunts and bangs door]
[gurgles indistinctly]
[upbeat ending credits playing]
Slip into your house shoes ♪
There ain't nobody like you ♪
And with all your favorite friends
Playing pretend, pretend, pretend ♪
Oh, oh! ♪
You're the captain of the pontoon ♪
Now it's time
Yeah, you know it's true ♪
And with all your favorite friends
Playing pretend, pretend, pretend ♪
Oh, oh! ♪