The Inbetweeners (US) (2012) s01e03 Episode Script

Even with Simon's new chick magnet in the arsenal This is your car? he was still having no luck with Carly.
- Sex me.
- Jesus, Simon.
And for all of us, it seemed like our popularity was quickly dropping.
- Hi, Wendy.
- Bye, nobody.
We were stuck in the middle of the social scale.
was even more frighting than that, was that Jay thought a bowling alley was the place to raise our status.
If they don't have a sticker machine in there, I'm gonna lose my mind.
Dude, we're here to get wasted in here, not buy stickers.
- You really think they'll serve us? - Absolutely.
Drinking in a bowling alley is complete .
They don't even ID.
People are here to bowl, dude, not drink.
Yeah, they look pretty sober.
But why are we here on a Thursday? Because drinking on a school night is the quickest way to raise your social status, without being more handsome, or more smarter.
- Don't think he said that, .
- More handsomer, whatever, dude.
We're here to drink, not learn.
Let's go.
Grab a table.
I'll get the first round.
Four whiskeys please.
- Got ID? - What? ID? Um, I must have left it in my other This place sucks.
They ran out of beer.
Another one of your plans just went down in flames.
Maybe we should just bowl.
I'm not sticking my fingers in a communal ball.
Hey, give me the money.
I can handle this.
Hey, can I buy you a beer? Sure.
Great.
Uh, you can just buy one for you and then four for me and my friends.
Uh, here's the money.
Bartender.
They'll never leave my sight.
Problem solved.
Oh, dude! Hey, guys.
Thanks for the invite.
Cool muscles! Thanks, man.
Thanks.
He bought us the beer, so he has to stay here, but we don't have to talk to him.
You know he can hear us, right? Who can hear us? Best not to draw attention to it.
Cheers! Cheers.
Yeah.
Screw it; I'm goin' home.
I can still catch Carla while she's babysitting my brother.
Maybe I can see her for ten minutes without Bobby's hand on her ass.
Or maybe she brought Bobby there.
He could be nailing her right now in your race car bed.
Shut up.
Oh, she just found the stick shift.
"Ooh, bobbybobbybobbybobby!" Stop it; I don't want that image in my head.
Yeah, me neither.
Carly's pretty high on my yank list.
What? Are you serious? It's no big deal.
We don't romanticize her like you do.
You do it too? She's in the rotation.
Wow, what does this girl look like? Oh, I'll text you a picture.
Don't text him a picture.
Relax, Si.
Pumping the python is very healthy thing.
You don't want to catch blue balls.
Eh, you could always lift a car.
'Scuse me? Get rid of blue balls.
You just lift a car.
Drains the blood right out of your pee pot.
Hey, here's to pee pots.
Yup.
Well, this was fun.
Yeah.
Oh, man, you guys are leaving? God.
What about you so far? You want to hang out a bit? Maybe.
Do you have money for the sticker machine? It has tattoos.
So do I.
Neil! Let's go.
He has tattoos.
I know he does, buddy.
So after buying Neil a sticker and leaving the bartender a justifiably poor tip, we ended our night out just as we began it: Totally sober and uncool.
Oh, God.
Is there a back exit maybe? The only thing more depressing than our failure at the bowling alley was the realization that we might never be any cooler than this, and we all felt it.
But for some, the only way to accept defeat was denial.
Had to sleep in this morning.
Massive hangover.
You had a doctor's appointment, didn't you? No.
Nope.
I was drunk.
My head is pounding.
You know we were with you, right? Went back to the bar late night.
Got racked off of teabag-tinis.
What? It's when you dip your balls into a Martini, and then all the sluts want a taste.
And how does that get you drunk? Then you drink the Martini.
The one your balls were in? No.
A different one obviously.
Obviously.
Oh, I got a ginger ale.
Can we all dip our balls in this? We're not dipping our balls into anything.
Can't take this anymore, all this lying about being cool.
I thought that was our thing.
What a great calling card, Neil.
"We pretend we're not gigantic losers.
" Let's not pretend for a change.
Be gigantic losers? No, let's actually do something.
So yes to the ginger ale? Hey, Carly! I noticed Bobby didn't drop you off this morning? I didn't know you were watching.
I wasn't.
I didn't watch.
He had to go out of town for his grandmother's funeral.
Wow.
Life.
So fragile.
What are you doing tonight? Uh, thinkin' about doing a girls' night clubbing downtown.
Us too.
Right.
Right, right, we were also gonna go downtown.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Really? I didn't know clubbing was your scene.
Well, then you don't know us at all, carly.
That's what I keep telling people.
What club are you guys going to? We're going to spectrum.
Spectrum--that's the one.
Oh, we love spectrum.
We were there this morning.
You've never been there.
No, we haven't, but we've been meaning to go.
Do we need I.
D.
S? Felicia knows the bouncer, so just make sure to get in line with us.
Perfect.
Well, we'll see you there tonight.
You'll be coming too? Totally.
Cool.
See you then.
Yes! You have to beat the cooter off with a stick at these downtown nightclubs.
And with Bobby gone, I can finally get some alone time with carly.
That Sloan girl asked me if I was going.
You guys saw that, right? Yeah, she touched her hair.
Total body language cue.
She can sense our new momentum.
Or she has lice.
Either way, I have a shot at her.
Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.
You can keep the salad.
Things were turning around.
We were going clubbing.
We were going to be cool.
You look like you got hit by an ice cream truck.
Whatever.
Club girls love this stuff.
I'm def gonna minivan a girl tonight.
Minivan her? Yeah, two in the front, five in the back.
Gross.
Well, at least you're not wearing sneakers.
These are fresh! You couldn't wear shoes? Jay wore shoes.
I wore shoes.
Those are flippers.
These are hip.
They're Italian.
Uh, scusi, where my fleepers? Shut up.
Maybe the club'll have a scuba tank.
They're not flippers.
Why do we have to pick up Neil? He couldn't meet us at Simon's house? 'Cause Neil's sister's home from college.
Hi, Tina.
Neil, you friends are here.
So, Tina, what kind of clubs do you go--like to go? What? Can you please stop staring at my tits? Huh? What? Heh.
You just looked.
Looking.
L-- looking.
What? Hey, guys! Check out will's flippers.
Uh.
They're stylish.
They look like Dorothy's house is about to fall on you.
Can we go? Sure.
Shouldn't you walk backwards? They're not flippers! Shotgun.
Nobody answer that.
Will's mom.
You sure? Wouldn't rather have sex with your sister? Yeah, that's an easy choice for me.
That game sucks.
I'd take will's mom, but I bet Neil's sister gives better b.
J.
S.
If her dad taught her anything.
My dad is not gay.
He's less gay than will's shoes.
At least I'm wearing shoes.
You look a coach of a woman's volleyball team.
Simon, would you pull over? I got to pee.
There's nowhere to stop here.
Hold on, si.
Slow down.
Bus turds! Dude, where'd that come from? I don't know.
It just felt right.
You could see their little faces drop as they thought, "we must be the bus turds.
" Come on, guys.
I've really got to pee.
Just hold it, Neil.
We're late.
What are you doing? Oh, God, Neil! Are you peeing? It's okay.
I've got the tip pressed in.
It's not gonna spill.
I don't care.
Don't pee in my-- ow, I'm cut! You cut my helmet! I think it's bleeding.
Screw bleeding.
Is it still peeing? It stings! Oh, God, just get rid of it, Neil! Jesus, come on! We had made it downtown with 3 1/2 penises intact, but we weren't about to give up.
Carly was waiting for Simon.
A girl who touched her hair was waiting for me.
We had to find this club.
Oh, my crank is really bleeding.
Oh, my eyeliner's starting to run.
We're totally lost.
If we don't get in line with the girls, the bouncer won't let us in.
Find it already.
I'm trying! Si, wait, hold on.
No, Jay, don't! Bus turds! Why are you slowing down? I tried to tell you.
Oh, God! Drive! Where do you want me to go? Anywhere! Drive! Anywhere! Anywhere but here.
Wow.
You're like the transporter.
Oh, God, Simon.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Hey, who's a bus turd, huh? Me? Sorry, sorry, sorr-- I'm a turd, huh? Yeah.
That's real funny, man.
Why ain't you laughing any more? Sorry.
Really sorry! He just said he was sorry.
Sorry.
You know, I'd rather be a bus turd than ride around in that yellow piece of.
Wow, you are such a pansy.
What? "Oh, sorry--oh, I'm so sorry.
" "I'm so sorry I'm on the sidewalk--I'm sorry.
" "Sorry, you hands found my neck--ooh, sorry.
" Screw you guys.
"Oh, I'm sorry that I was mean.
" - Did you see his muscles? - "Oh, I'm sorry.
" So after circling the block ten times looking for a parking spot, we finally made it to the club, 1/2 an hour late but eager to get our night back on track.
Is it legal to park here? We're so late.
Come on.
It says loading zone.
I think that's for weekdays.
Plus, we're gonna be loading it with.
We can't get towed.
I told my dad we were at Neil's house playing risk.
That was an option? You won't get towed, and we don't have time to find another spot.
Come on.
Excuse me, sir.
Is it legal to park here? I'll watch it for you.
Perfect.
He'll keep an eye out.
Gimme your sneakers.
What? Your shoes.
I watch the car, we trade shoes.
We have to get into that club, Simon.
This could change everything.
Come on, si.
Carly isn't gonna minivan herself.
Yeah.
Yeah, come on, si.
Oh, God.
These are wet.
Why are they wet? Maybe it has something to do with the fact they reek of urine.
I'm walking in bum piss? How's the arch support? Soaked in bum piss.
Simon, hey! Hi, carly.
Hey, the line starts back here! You made it just in time.
Hey, Sloan.
Excited to get your dance on? Sure.
You? Oh, of course.
Anything in 4/4 and a reasonable tempo, right? What do you think you're doing? Think those people are throwing trash at you.
Back of the line! Well, you know, they're probably just eager to dance like you and I are.
Hey, do you mind if stand with my back to you? I don't want anyone to think that I know you.
Of course, that's fine.
I actually think eye contact with can be really distracting on a date.
Eh Sloan had a very nice back of the head.
After enjoying that for a few minutes, the unthinkable happened.
We were let into a club.
Oh, my God.
It does exist.
Holy moly.
This is it.
First day of the rest of our lives.
This is one small step for man and one giant leap for your dumb flippers, will.
Well, you won't be laughing when we leave here with carly and Sloan.
Come on, Simon.
Ladies await.
Good luck with your little girls.
Neil and I are gonna find some real women.
Ah, check out the boobies on that one.
Oh, man, th's t good.
Aw, what are you talking about, man? Those things are doin' a dance on their own.
Oh, no, but I'm getting a chub, and the cut--oh, it hurts.
I got to go check it out.
Whatever, man.
More for me.
You can do this.
Simon, I was looking for you.
- You found me.
- We're gonna hit the dance floor.
Oh, okay.
- Have fun then.
- No, you wanna come? Yeah, I--let's dance.
Come on! So have you guys seen Sloan? I want to make sure I can grab her on when the slow dance comes on.
Don't think there are slow dances.
I think she's over there.
Yeah? You're such a lightweight.
I can't even believe that.
What are you talking about? Because you're, like, 12 pounds.
Stop.
You are.
Hey, man.
What happened to your new girlfriend? She's not my girlfriend-- well, yet.
'Cause she's talkin' to some guy.
That's awesome, man.
She's testing you out.
Making sure you're really an alpha dog.
Alpha dog? Yeah, now you have to prove it, okay? You got to top dog him, raw dog her, and then finish it off doggystyle.
You know I'm not a dog, right? Look, will, all these girls, they follow club code, and I get it.
Why do you think I'm dressed like this? I look like a moron.
You got to play the game, will.
- It's like chess - With your.
I don't know if it was the chess analogy or the hypnotizing effect of his mascara, but Jay made sense.
You're so funny.
Tag.
You're it.
Ready for that dance? Hi, I'm will.
I'm Dean.
So you come here often? Do you say that to all the girls? Stubborn one, this guy is.
Listen, Sloan has obviously been talking to you to make me jealous, which I'll admit did work for awhile until I figured it all out.
Now you can just leave, and we're gonna dance the night away.
What? No, we're not.
But we came here together.
No, we didn't.
But I stood next to you in line.
Behind me.
Adjacent, and I specifically remember you asking me to come here.
I have witnesses.
Will, I think you misinterpreted things.
Well, apparently.
What, should I just leave you two alone then? Yes, please just go away.
Okay.
Well, maybe I will.
Thanks, Dean.
Enjoy.
Must be nice! Oh.
Ow.
Come on, man.
Jesus.
It's not what it looks like.
Meanwhile, Jay's game of dress like a moron chess finally paid off.
But capturing the queen proved to be quite painful for his bishop.
Dude, huge problem.
I've been grinding for 20 minutes straight.
So? I've got blue balls.
I got to Jack the beanstalk so I can get back there on my game.
You want to try over a urinal? No.
Maybe.
The far one clears up.
Wait, what did that guy in the bar say? You just need to lift a car.
There are no cars in the club, Neil! Maybe it doesn't need to be a car.
Just something really heavy to flex your balls.
Ow.
Stand back.
Do you smell urine? Huh? No.
I think it's coming from your shoes.
What? That's crazy.
I'm ready to go.
Hey, it's will! Wait! He smells like pee! What? It's working! The blood is leaving my balls, Neil! That's the perv.
He was totally playin' with himself.
Stop it! I'll put it back on! I'm gonna fix it! Why would I smell like urine? You're the one wearing bum shoes.
Oh, lord.
Simon, are you wearing a homeless person's shoes? I--I, uh I was--ow! I was just rolling it around because the tip is cut.
Blue balls! You don't understand! I had blue balls! I'm wearing the bum's shoes And just like that, our night of elevating our status had ended.
Did you really just get thrown out of a club? Nah, it's probably more of a cooling off period.
Nah.
Let's leave.
Teach these dicks a lesson.
But it took us a moment to realize we had accomplished something.
We just got thrown out of a club.
We did.
I just got thrown out of a club.
I was thrown out before you.
I exposed myself.
What? I sliced my Peter--look.
No! No, no! What? I'm not gonna you with it.
But, like all of our moments of triumph, it was short-lived.
What the hell? It didn't get towed.
You guys said this spot was legal! I don't know.
We're not lawyers.
Hey, you! What happened to my car? It's an illegal spot on the weekend.
Well, thanks for telling us now, and thanks for the piss-soaked shoes.
You ruined my chances with carly! Who's carly? You got a picture? I'll text you a picture.
Don't text him one.
Gimme back my shoes.
You want to trade back? Gladly.
Is that? How did you even manage to do that? I got friends too.
Now give me back my shoes.
Oh, God! Get in! Get in the car! Gimme back my shoes! Stop that--shoes! Just give him back his shoes.
I'm not opening this window.
Smells like piss in here.
Neil, put it back in your pants.
It's scraping too much.
Oh, my God! But we would press on, seeking shelter when we needed to but never giving up the fight for a better world where girls liked us and cars didn't smell like piss.
Gimme my shoes! Good night, carly! I'll see you on Monday! This is terrible! Neil, put it back in your pants.
Get off the car! It stings! Get out! On the next inbetweeners Who you stalking? No one.
A guy like you has no chance with Charlotte Allen.
Will mackenzie.
Hey, will.
True about cooking club? Yeah.
Cooking's for girls and cooks.
Maybe carly'd like it if I have an interest other than her.
I love a man who knows how to cook.
So do I--I mean two.