The IT Crowd s01e03 Episode Script

Here we are! Your place your place La maison de la femme El casa del signorita Das haus die Frau Good night! I'll just walk you to the door.
- There's no need.
- That's okay.
So I guess this is "arrivederci".
I'd quite fancy a cup of tea though.
A glass of water maybe.
Perhaps a little lie down.
Look I have to tell you something.
What? I wanted to tell you in the restaurant but it a good time never came up and I - I wasn't gonna say it but - Say it.
I have to.
What? You've got shit on your head.
What? There's some shit on your head.
What? Where? Where? It's been there forever.
Oh God! Oh God! It's chocolate! It's chocolate! It's not shit! It's not shit! It's.
.
It's my dessert.
I don't know how it got there but uh It's on my fingers.
It's not shit! Thank God for that! You know, I just spent the last hour thinking you were some sort of disgusting tramp.
Oh no! That's funny! - Oh God look! - What? It's chocolate! How about that cup of tea now? I was a perfect gentleman last night from beginning to end but she can't see past a little bit of shit on my forehead! I thought you said it was chocolate.
Yes, chocolate, yes! I meant chocolate.
I forgot to turn this thing on.
Hello, IT Hi, uh, something's wrong with my computer.
Have you tried turning it off and on again? Oh No! No, oh Dear, thanks.
You're welcome then.
It's typical.
The one time I manage to bamboozle a girl in the building into going out with me and this happens.
She's gonna tell everyone! Oh come on! She's a receptionist, she'd hardly gossip.
Besides it's a boring story.
Yeah that's boring.
It's boring, she won't tell anyone.
Hello.
Sorry guys.
She might have told Jen.
No, that's what I'm saying.
It wasn't.
It was It was chocolate.
It was chocolate.
I don't know I don't know it it got on my fingers and then I must have Listen how did you even hear about this, mom? Moss Moss, there's a spider in my office.
Could you deal with it? I just hate spiders.
I'm not overly fond of them myself there, Jen.
How How big is Whoa! Hey now! I'll tell you what.
I actually recommend my good friend Roy there as the go-to guy on anything with more than 7 eyes.
He's on a very brief personal call right now.
Come, Moss.
Don't be silly.
You're right, I'm being silly.
Wrap it up, Roy! It's just a spider.
It's fine.
Oh look! It seems to have left of its own volition.
Oh, be a man, Moss! You're right, I'll be a man.
I'm a man.
Please don't shut the door.
I won't.
Goodbye, Jen.
That was my mother.
How did she hear about this? Oh, was that the woman who phoned earlier? 'Cause I've just been telling everybody.
Why would you want to go out with Patricia anyway? I mean, her last boyfriend was Simon from 3rd.
- Jen! - Hey, you! Hello there.
Have you caught it yet? Not quite, Jen.
The spider's managed to walk behind me.
And it's between me and the door.
So I can't get out.
Simon from 3rd is the one with the hair.
Oh, him! Oh, he's awful.
He once ate a copy of Loaded for a bet.
- She liked him? - Apparently.
That explains everything! She likes the kind of big obnoxious guy who eats Loaders.
Hello, Daniel.
How are you? I'm great, thanks.
How are you? I'm great.
Well, can either of you tell me Okay Okay who wrote Missa Brevis in D minor? Was it Mozart or Beethoven? That was a certain Mr.
Mozart, I think you'll find.
Oh right, do you know a lot about classical music? - Petit pois.
- Oh, right.
Mozart, Beethoven, 50/50 ain't it? Actually, no, you were right.
It was Mozart.
Well it's It was Okay, so, let's try another one.
Okay.
Here we go.
In what year did Mozart die? - Was it 1780 or 1791? - 1791.
Yes! Yes! Bang on! Good! God! I hope he doesn't come in again! - Jen! - Yes! Is Roy off the phone yet? The spider is now upon my person.
You guys don't mind me chilling out in here, do you? No.
Chill out! So did you see the match last night? - Oh yeah! - Oh yeah! - God! - Did we? What a match! All of the players running up the pitch and running down it again.
Such athleticism! What was Rooney thinking over there? Who knows! That's Rooney! He is a foolish boy! Yeah but that referee I'm sorry the referee is just an idiot.
Yes, he was certainly the villain of the piece.
Daniel, you're still here.
Yeah, just just having a little break.
Do you wanna come and join me? Stop it! Well, I'd better I'd better hit this way.
Oh by the way, guys, if you need any help with any more spiders, just give me a call, okay? Yeah, we'll be fine, I think, thanks.
Actually, do you have a card? That is good.
See you.
You like him! Who? Oh, that good looking man with "Security" written on his shoulders? Yes! Yes, I do.
He seems really nice.
Nice! 'Cause that's what you women want! Nice guys! Hello, IT! .
What are you talking about, Roy? If my date last night proved anything, it's that you, ladies, you don't want nice guys.
I think if your date proved anything, Roy, it's that women like men without poo on their foreheads.
That's our type.
That has nothing to do with this.
She clearly just didn't want a gentleman in her life.
I hate to generalize, you know that.
But all women just want bastards.
That women liking bastards thing is a total myth.
I've tried turning it off and on again and nothing happened.
Is it definitely plugged in? Oh, let me have a look.
Oh, sorry, that's it, thanks very much.
You're welcome then.
It's just not true.
Women don't want gentlemen, they want bullies and thugs.
I'll prove it to you.
How will you prove it to me, Roy? Oh! Okay.
I'll put a I'll put on a classified ad online.
A classified? Yeah, like a lonely hearts thing but I'll make it sound psychotic.
And I still bet I'll get a bezillion replies.
Oh, dear God.
Come on.
How much? Okay.
Yeah, I'll give you 20 quid if you get 1 response.
You're on! Oh my God, no! It's all about body fluids with you, isn't it? Come on, Moss! We need to get to work.
Work? Yeah, we need to post a classified lonely hearts ad online that makes me sound like a psycho so that I can prove to Jen that all women love bastards and therefore win 20 pounds.
Thank God! I thought that thing was broken.
"Shut up! Do what I tell you! I'm not interested!" These are just some of the things you'll be hearing if you answer this ad.
"I'm an idiot and I don't care about anyone but myself.
" "PS: No dogs.
" - That's good.
- What's yours? Mine doesn't look any good now.
Go on.
"I'm going to murder you.
" "You bloody woman!" Might want to play a bit hard to get.
If you were a murderer, what would your nickname be? Mine would be "The Gardener", 'cause I'd always leave a rose at the scene of the crime.
What would your murder weapon be? A hammer.
Hey, Moss.
"Would you like to go for dinner with me?" "And then maybe back to my place?" I'd love to, Jen, but I'm actually helping Roy at the moment.
No.
No, no, no.
Who does this remind you of, yeah? "Do you wanna go on a date with me?" Gandhi? No, no, the other one.
Bono.
No, no, I was doing Roy.
Yes, yes, it's like there was 2 of me.
Come on.
Get your money ready.
20 pounds.
Hey! Hello.
It's security.
I hope I'm not in any danger.
Oh my God! It's not shit! On my head, it's not shit! It's chocolate spread.
- Taste it! - No! Look! Look! Ringo Starr? I'll be wondering about that all night! How do you know about this site? I'm a member.
Really? You do the whole lonely hearts thing? I'm a 32-year-old IT man who works in a basement.
Yes, I do the whole lonely hearts thing.
So, as you can clearly see, it wasn't excrement, it was chocolate.
I was playing a joke.
It was chocolate.
Jen, it's okay, I've got it.
Don't worry about it.
Listen, what are you doing tonight? - I've got a response! - That was quick! Yeah, why is it taking so long to download? Something happened with the router this morning.
We're back to pre-broadband speed.
Dear But we're on the phone now.
Why can't you just ask me now? Can't Jen, trust me.
Why should I trust you? Because I know what's good for you.
Listen, you have to be home between 8 and 9 tonight, are you gonna be home? Okay, this sounds exciting.
It might not happen, okay? But hopefully it will.
Now I don't know if this is exciting or not Jen Jen, it's exciting! "would be very interested in meeting up and talking it over.
" "Love, Rebecca.
" Oh my God! What did we write again? It started with "shut up".
There's more.
"I attached a photograph for your approval "or not!" Exclamation mark.
All right, let's have a look at you, you mad thing.
Nice hair so far.
- Eyebrows seem normal.
- Two eyes.
That's the best amount of eyes.
Nice eyes too.
It has to go around.
She must have a shite nose.
Do you remember the Internet at this speed? Up all night and you'd see 8 women.
- Good nose.
- That is a good nose.
The mouth has to be wrong.
There's gotta be something wrong with her mouth.
Now that's a good looking woman.
Should I tell Jen we got a reply? Roy? Roy? Roy! Roy! Hello, Daniel! I mean, hello.
Jen? Hello, it's Chris Tarrant from "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" Oh my God! Oh my God! Chris Tarrant, hello! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Jen the next voice you hear is gonna be Daniel's - Daniel's, Ok.
- But before I put you on with him, he's asked me to ask you a question.
Okay, you can ask me a question.
Yeah, he wants to know if you'll go out for dinner with him tomorrow night.
Oh really? Yes! Yes, of course, I will! Of course! Oh yes! Yes! Yes, of course! Yes, that's great, Jen.
Now let me fill you in on what's happening.
Daniel's doing very well although he has just used his 50/50.
Now, here's Daniel.
Daniel, you got 30 seconds.
Starting from now! - Okay, Jen.
- Hi, Daniel.
Yeah, hi Jen, Jen, uh, okay who composed The Wooden Prince? Was it A) Bartok, B) Chopin? Did you see "I'm a Millionaire" last night? "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" it's called.
No, I didn't.
Well, you are not going to Adam and beliEVE this.
Okay, do these make me look like a bastard? Why do you wanna look like a bastard? I've got that date tonight, she's expecting a monster.
Do these me make look like a bastard? They make you look like an idiot.
- Anyway, did you see it? - What? "Do you want to be a Millionaire?" "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" "Who wants to be a person who is wrong?" What's happened? - If I may - Sure.
Guess who was on it last night! - You! - No, Daniel.
- King of men.
- Daniel was on "Millionaire"? Indeed he was, sir.
And it was the "Do you want to phone a friend" - It's just "Phone a friend".
- Anyway.
She was the "phone a friend"? - She was the "phone a friend".
- You're the "phone a friend"! What was the subject? Classical music is the extraordinary answer to that question.
So who of course is Daniel, our estimed temp security guard, going to phone but Jonathan Miller over here.
Think Daniel was on Millionaire.
Too bad it wasn't 50/50.
It was.
- And? - I got it wrong.
I cost 31,000 pounds.
It isn't funny though.
Now I have to go on a date with him.
Wow! The rules on that show have really changed! No, you don't understand.
He asked me out on the show before I got the question wrong.
It was all very romantic.
But now I don't think he likes me now.
And I don't wanna go out with the biggest loser in England There you are! Daniel - Hello.
- Hi.
- Gonna go for this meal then.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I can't wait.
I'm gonna take you to one of my favourite restaurants.
Right.
I'll pay.
- It really is the least I can do.
- Oh yeah Oh my God! Did you see that look? I have a dinner date with that man.
If I'm not here tomorrow, I want you to call the police.
Maybe not the best time to mention it, but also you owe me 20 quids.
What? You got a response? With the one that ended: "No dogs"? Yep.
Oh my God, brilliant! More money gone! Now the money that Daniel lost wasn't really yours, was it? It would have been if I'd married him, Moss.
I need a good restaurant.
Maybe if he likes the food, he won't beat me to death with a shoe.
I thought you said you'd take him to one of your favourite restaurants.
Haven't you got it yet? That's what I do: I lie I lie and I lie and I lie! Well, I went to a good place recently.
Nice atmosphere.
Food's great.
- Really? - Yes.
Why? Sorry, I just didn't have you down as a restaurant person.
I'm a restaurant person.
Why wouldn't I be a restaurant person? Cheese string? No, thanks.
What's this place called? Messijoes.
- Is that French? - French? No, it's English.
Okay, thank you, Moss.
Yeah, I'll uh I'll give that a go.
Okay, I need a place to bring this girl that says: "I'm a bastard.
" Well, I went to a good place recently.
Nice atmosphere.
Food's great.
It's got a bit of an edge.
Yeah? What's it called? Messijoes.
What is that? Spanish? No! Spanish? It's English.
Messijoes.
Okey dokey, you get the firecracker nachos.
And you are getting the prawn bites with spicy salsa.
This seems an unusual place for someone like you to want to meet.
Yeah but everyone needs a place to come to be alone.
Look at me! Yeah! Look at me! Get a clown over here, please! You're a loner? I'm a loner all right.
I'm just a lonely loner on a lonely road.
Alone.
Do you always wear shades? Always.
They help me hide the fact I'm always lying to women.
Everyone is having having fun, fun, fun.
'Cause everything is nice and everyone is friendly.
Lots of friendly faces having fun, fun, fun.
'Cause everything is nice and everyone is friendly.
- Smile and the world will - Excuse me! Excuse me! It's just It's not Sorry, it's just not appropriate at the moment.
You're that bloke off the telly! And you must be the woman he phoned! Brilliant! Funniest thing I've seen in ages.
God! I'm a bastard! Yes.
So you keep saying.
Trouble It's basically what I am.
Thank you.
You know something? I don't think you're a bastard at all.
I am so.
I am a complete tool.
Oh my God! No don't, don't! Don't hit him! I know her.
Hey! What's going on? Stay out of this, Fonzy! You're fighting in front of kids! I don't care! You're a brute! This bloke just insulted me! Hey! Bit more careful with the clown shoe there, Mister.
Just hold your head back.
Oh God! He caught me by surprise.
When I see him tomorrow - That was his last day.
- Thank God! Oh my God, look! If you're coming, can you just bloody hurry up! - I'm coming! I - God's sake! I just need to take my shoes off.
They look like such fruits.
- I'll call you a cab.
- No, no, no, it's fine.
- Taxi! - I'll get my bus.
Don't be stupid, it's cold.
Taxi! - Here.
- Oh God.
Here you can have your 20 back.
I don't really think the bet proved anything.
Taxi! Thanks, Roy.
- I just want - Nice date! Just a lonely loner walking a lonely road.
Hi, girls.
My name is Maurice Moss.
Or Moss for short.
Sorry about the sound quality but I'm having to do this in the toilet of my mom's house.
She's watching Diagnosis Murder at full volume.
And it drives me up the wall.
Don't worry, though.
I'm sitting on the toilet but I'm not using it.
What? - Moss? - Yes? What you doing in there? Number 2s, leave me alone! Don't forget to flush the toilet.
Don't clog it up like you usually do.
I know! Just stop doing this! You're always doing this! You're making it going back in! Now, my type