The Jim Gaffigan Show (2015) s01e03 Episode Script

1 [man beatboxing.]
[Jim snoring.]
[man humming and beatboxing.]
Come here, you.
I've got a surprise for you.
I'm not smelling your armpit again.
Oh, this is way better than my armpit.
Happy anniversary.
Oh, my God.
Jim, you actually - remembered.
- Yep, yep, yep, yep.
Was gonna get you a present, but then I'd have to wrap it, and I know you don't want a mess.
- That's so generous of you.
- Yeah.
And besides, me remembering is present enough, don't you think? I totally agree.
There's only one problem, Jim.
Our anniversary's tomorrow.
No, it's not.
It's today.
I alarmed it on my phone.
- "Dentist appointment.
" - Yeah.
Thank you for almost remembering.
(Jim) It's not that big of a deal.
To us, our anniversary's just a celebration of the day we spent $20,000 on an awkward party for our parents' friends.
I'd rather celebrate the anniversary of a car wreck I got into in 2003.
At least I got a settlement on that one.
You know, it's like you guys are trying to make marriage sound depressing.
Two seltzers, please.
Last year we had a pretty good anniversary.
- Oh, yeah? - We got Shake Shack.
You know what, you're kind of a genius, you know? You set the bar so low that the woman expects nothing.
I'm gonna think of something good this year.
And you know what? Go on a second date, and then maybe you can judge - my relationship.
- Hey, hey, hey, I happen to be in kind of a serious relationship with this girl, Gigi.
- Oh, serious, huh? - Yeah.
- What's her last name? - No idea.
But her ex boyfriend's an MMA fighter.
Oh, and that makes you an MMA fighter? (Dave) It makes me better than an MMA fighter.
This chick is hot, man.
She's a cocktail waitress at the Palm Court at the Plaza.
Oh, and that makes you a cocktail waitress at the Palm Court at the Plaza? You know what? Jeannie loves the Plaza.
That could be a good anniversary present, right? Do you think your girlfriend du jour could get us a discount on a room there? - What do I get out of it? - A billion dollars.
- What do you need? - Oh.
Just have her book the room under her last name that you don't know and leave the keys for me at the front desk.
I'm still unclear what I'm getting out of this.
I'm hearing a lot of Jim and not nearly enough Dave.
I should probably take her to a Broadway show.
Jeannie would love that but I find it hard to voluntarily go to Times Square.
It's like a refugee camp for tourists.
- Right.
- And the Broadway shows - are so expensive, right? - Uh-huh.
You just sit there for hours saying, "This is good, right?" You know, well, it has to be good for $300 a ticket.
300 bucks; now you sound like a tourist.
My mom just goes to TKTS on the day of the show.
Gets the tickets for half price.
Great, so your mom can pick up the tickets for us.
Dude, she's 76 years old.
What's the issue? Is she gonna miss her shift at Hooters? Hey, don't ruin Hooters for me.
Wait, where is TKTS? What am I, a concierge? It's a pretty good anniversary, right? And hotel sex, man hotels are a great place for role playing.
You can pretend she's a prostitute.
You want me to pretend my wife's a prostitute on our anniversary.
It's a lot less sad than hiring a prostitute and pretending she's your wife; trust me.
[beatboxing.]
Hey, I I won't bother you, but I'm a big fan of your stand-up.
Oh, thanks.
"Pancakes.
" Hey, you got to play Topeka.
Oh, yeah, well, I'll try.
Hey, I I don't want to be a pest, but do you think I could get a picture? Uh, sure.
- Great.
- Well, nice to meet you.
Looks like a long line.
It's ridiculous.
Going solo, huh? No, uh, my wife's meeting me.
It's our anniversary.
Hey, I got two tickets to a show I'm trying to get rid of.
Why don't you take them? - No, no, no.
- It's your anniversary! No, that's that's that's very nice of you, but thank you.
Please.
Take them.
I You don't have to give me any money or anything.
I I can't use them.
My girlfriend got food poisoning at a hot dog cart, and she can't leave the hotel room.
- Which hot dog cart? - The one by the Olive Garden.
Oh, that one.
Um, you know wow.
This show is sold out for months.
Um you know you know, I will take these, ah but you got to let me give you some money.
- No, no, no.
- No, I insist.
- Not necessary.
- We're both from the Midwest.
- All right? There you go.
- Not necessary.
You're at 46th and 7th? I'm at 46th and 7th.
I'm right next to the the Statue of Liberty thing.
You're next to a Statue of Liberty? Oh, there you are.
No, you're at the other Statue of Liberty.
Two orchestra seats for something that is not The Lion King for Wednesday night at 8:00 p.
m.
- Wednesday night? - Yep.
It's Thursday night.
Right.
These these tickets are for yesterday.
- Yeah.
- So there must be a mistake.
Why don't we just see if we can exchange them at the box office? No.
You know what? I didn't get them at the box office.
Well, where did you buy them, TKTS? Near there.
You know what? Never mind.
I think this is a sign that maybe we should get right to The Plaza and start plaza-ing.
(both) Ooh.
Did you just eat pizza? This morning.
[Jim grunting.]
[Jeanne squeals.]
Ooh! Okay, now it's your turn to carry me.
It's The Plaza.
What a beautiful room.
Ooh, look at this view.
Jim, look at this.
It's just the two of us together, no kids.
It's like our honeymoon.
You know what I want to do? What do you want to do? Order room service.
(man) Anything else, sir? Uh, no.
We're good, thanks.
[quietly.]
Jim.
What? Oh, oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[laughs nervously.]
Hm um Looks like all I have are 20s.
- You got change? - I'm sorry, sir.
I don't.
Okay.
I'll get you next time.
Jim.
- Okay.
- Thank you, sir.
- Have a lovely evening.
- Sure.
I know that guy had change.
20 bucks for one bag.
What kind of racket? Jim, look at where we are.
And look at who I'm with.
Ooh! Have you ever seen me eat a bratwurst? Well, tonight you're my little bratwurst.
Slightly revolting, but I'll take it.
Okay, okay.
Before Oktoberfest commences, I'm here.
This is my anniversary present to you to surprise you by romancing up the room.
I left a key for Daniel at the front desk.
Rose petals, champagne, chocolate covered strawberries? Daniel, you're so thoughtful.
- I know.
- Well, it was my idea.
I wanted him to decorate the room.
Of course you did, Jim.
What were you gonna do? Scatter mozzarella sticks on the bed and drape your boxers over the lamp? You don't have any mozzarella sticks on you, - do you? - Ha ha.
Obviously, I was not expecting you guys back here for hours.
What happened? - Well, it it it's a long story.
- "Oh, it's a long story.
" All right, I just need a couple more minutes to finish up, and then I will leave you to enjoy yourself and you to suffer through it.
(Jeannie) Oh, no.
Oh, I accidentally brought the diaper bag instead of my overnight bag, and James' medication is in here.
I have to run home.
[quietly.]
Jim That homeopathic cough syrup? That's like the horoscope of medicines.
James will be fine for one night.
No, but my anniversary present for you is in the bag I left at home.
Just give it to me tomorrow.
But it's my anniversary present from Victoria's Secret.
Well, we don't want James' cough to come back.
- Okay.
- And you know, - it it can be tricky that way, right? - (Jeannie) I love you.
Bye.
- Are you done in the baño? - Go to town.
All right.
You know, Jim, I have to say you actually did something nice for Jeannie for a change.
I am very impressed.
All right.
I have to head to my dinner meeting.
Have fun.
Do not have too much fun.
You already have five kids.
Oh! Oh! The door was stuck.
[gasps.]
Damn it, Jim! You got chocolate on my shirt.
I've got dinner with the Trump Towers people in 30 minutes.
Uh-oh.
"You're fired.
" The door was stuck! Yeah, it's the door's fault, Jim.
Blame anybody but yourself.
- I need club soda.
- The mini bar? Those bottles are, like, ten bucks.
Well, what what, it got on your pants too? Jim, I do not want to get my pants wet when I am cleaning my shirt.
Here, take this.
Hang that stuff on hangers.
I do not want them to get wrinkly.
Now, I need in the bathroom, please.
- All right.
You go right.
- Jim, get out of my way.
Okay, Jim.
Get out of my way! God! Would you just relax? Look, I'm sorry, okay? (Daniel) You're just a big ape! [stammering.]
And you look ridiculous! You know you're wearing a woman's robe? I know that! I was gonna call.
Hello.
Hi.
Yeah.
I was wondering, can I, ah, get a men's robe sent to my room? A double XL.
Thanks.
Oh, and and and can can I get a, ah, bacon cheeseburger? Ah, cheddar.
Fries.
Does anyone want the salad? Uh, drink uh, you know, do do you have diet RC? Okay.
Yeah, all right.
I'll I'll just get a chocolate milk shake.
Okay, thank you.
Bye.
Ooh.
(woman) After a hard day at work, relax with the very best of No thank you.
(woman) After a hard day at work, relax with the very best adult entertainment in the After a hard day at work, relax with After a hard day After a hard day After a hard After a hard day at work, relax with the very best adult entertainment in the privacy Hi.
There's something wrong with my TV or the remote.
I I'm I'm not sure.
Can you send someone up? Thank you.
Jim.
Jim.
(Daniel) Open the door.
I don't have time for this.
I'm not doing anything.
Well, I'm locked in.
Well, unlock the door.
I did! Jim, it's stuck.
Get me out of here! [exasperated sigh.]
I told you there was something wrong with the door.
Well, I can't miss my dinner with the Trump people.
Open the door! I'm trying! [knob clattering.]
- What just happened? - I almost got it.
Hold on.
You know how important this dinner is to me, and you're ruining it.
I hope you're happy, Jim.
I hope you're very ha oh, dear God! - What is it? - I'm getting a zit! This zit was not here when I got here.
You gave me a zit! Sorry, it's me again.
(Daniel) What are you doing out there? I accidentally pulled the knob off the bathroom door.
- What? - And it's stuck.
Can y can you send someone up right away? Thanks.
[knock on door.]
Oh that's great service.
You pulled the knob off? They're coming to fix it.
Good evening, sir.
You requested a robe? Oh, um (Daniel) Hello? Is somebody there? It's the robe guy.
Thanks.
So if there's nothing else, I'll just be going.
Right.
Right.
Hold on.
D do.
.
do you have change for a 20? I'm sorry, sir.
I don't.
(Daniel) Come on, Jim.
Hurry up! Would you settle down? I hope you and your friend enjoy your stay.
Uh, he is not my friend.
Oh, I'm so sorry, your your partner.
No.
- Your husband.
- (Daniel) Thank God I'm in the bathroom 'cause I'm gonna be sick.
He's my wife's friend.
Your wife? [stammering.]
(Daniel) Did he just leave? That guy said he didn't have change either.
No one in this hotel has change! I'm getting very close to having a full-blown panic attack.
- [knock on door.]
- Tell them to get me out! Just settle down.
They're here.
Good evening, sir.
Room service.
- Where would you like me to set it up? - Oh, y you can just leave the cart.
I'm surprised you didn't order a Hot Pocket I'm a big fan.
Wait till all of my friends hear about this.
I brought the Hot Pocket guy his cheeseburger.
I'll take it from here.
Thanks.
Here we have our delicious bacon cheeseburger on a brioche bun, cheddar cheese - That's great.
- Mustard, your mayo (Daniel) Is that the guy? Thank God.
- It's room service.
- That'll do.
Does he look strong? Jim, don't let him leave.
[stammering.]
- Oh I'm so sorry.
I see you're busy.
- No nuh Come on! Let's get this started! I am so ready to go! He's he's not.
I mean, he Well, he is, not that I That's fine, but you know, not with me.
I mean, I don't even like him.
What are you guys waiting for? I'm all hot and sweaty.
He's friends with my w hold hold on.
- Stay there - Yeah.
- Oh, um - No.
Here.
I'll j I'll just leave the cart.
Here.
Here.
Here's 20.
Take 20.
Keep the change.
- I won't say anything.
- No, you don't have to There's nothing to say! (Daniel) Jim! I've been in this bathroom for 20 minutes.
I wasn't even in the closet this long.
[knock on door.]
- Is that them? - I hope.
You're having a problem with your bathroom door? Yes, please.
Come in.
Please.
Here you go.
Hey, you're that comedian.
Uh, no.
That's Yeah, you are, the one with all the kids.
I don't know.
My wife thinks your wife is a saint.
You guys live in the city, right? How come you're staying in a hotel room? It's a special night away from home.
(Daniel) Jim, let me remind you, I didn't even want to be here tonight.
You asked me to come.
You asked me to make tonight special.
That that's my wife's friend.
Uh, she went she's she's gonna be back right away.
You got to get him out of here before she comes back.
You watching that, sir? No, I've been trying to turn it off ever since I oh.
All right.
Whoa, jeez.
I hate you.
- I never want to see you again.
- Okay.
[gasps.]
Ah! I asked you to put these on a hanger! Filthy animal, move! I'm gonna I'm gonna give you both 20s.
Oh None of my business, so [laughing.]
Here you go.
You get a 20, and you get a 20.
I get it; on the down-low.
No, there's no low or down.
I'm a happily-married man Mm-hmm.
To a woman! Oh! - Jesus.
What what are you doing here? - What! What am I doing here? What are you doing here? Oh I I thought you were gonna be at a play - until, like, 10:30.
- What does that matter? Why would you be in my room? Well because, you know, I figured if you weren't gonna be here until later, maybe - me and Gigi could - Are you kidding me? Kind of? - Dave, this is my anniversary.
- Yeah.
Jeannie's gonna be here any minute.
You can't be here.
You know that's a woman's robe, right? - So what! - Okay.
All right.
- Well, I'm - I'm in my room! I'm allowed to wear a woman's robe! Okay.
All right.
I'll tell Gigi - there's been a little change of plans.
- Oh, yeah, I'm sorry to inconvenience you.
It's not a problem.
[shower running.]
Jeez! My anniversary's doomed.
[soft jazzy music playing.]
[beep.]
Dave, wow.
I've got a present for you, too, Dave.
[giggles.]
[water stops running.]
- Ah! - Ahh! Hey! Gigi? - Who the hell are you? - I'm Jim.
There's been a mix-up with the room.
Dave's downstairs.
- Can I get dressed? - Go ahead, please.
My wife is coming.
Okay.
Yeah.
Don't slam the door.
Dave, pick up your phone! My gosh.
Whoa.
Let me guess not your wife? Hmm.
I'm gonna get I'm all out of cash.
Here's my metro card.
I just refilled it.
There's, like, 60 bucks on there.
30, 40 maybe 18.
Oh, jeez.
[knock on door.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm so sorry that took me so long.
- No worries.
- Ooh, you took a shower.
- It's our anniversary.
- [knock on door.]
- Oh.
Yeah, I left my other stocking by the bed.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I think you have the wrong room.
- Hi, Jim.
- [sighs.]
That's Dave's girlfriend.
- Dave is here? - No, of course not.
- [beep.]
- There's Gigi.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
Hey, I hope nothing went on in here, man.
It's your anniversary, for God sakes.
You invited Dave on our anniversary? This was supposed to be an intimate evening - between the two of us.
- He just showed up, and by the way, it hasn't been that intimate of an evening because I've been here by myself because you forgot your stupid bag.
- My stupid bag? - Yes, your stupid bag.
I only went to get it because you insisted that I I'm just gonna go pee, all right? Yeah, I've been going through hell! You're ordering room service and entertaining Gigi.
[pounding on door.]
Who the hell is So this is the guy who thinks he's gonna steal my Gigi.
- No.
- Marcus? - Shut up, Gigi.
- You're going down, bro.
That's not me.
You're looking for Dave.
(Dave) Hey, man, there's something wrong with the door.
- It's stuck.
- Are you Dave? Yeah, Dave.
Are you the janitor, man? (Dave) Come on, let me out of here, all right? I got a sexy lady waiting for me outside.
You know what I'm saying? I'll be there in a minute, Gigi.
Oh, I'll get you out of there, all right! No, Marcus.
No! Marcus? Why are you taking your shirt off? - Marcus! - You're a dead man! Marcus! Not again, Marcus! Did I say "Dave?" I meant Don.
I'm a man named Don, and I don't know who you are or what you might want with me.
Jim? Let's go, bro! Open the door! Davey! Come on, buddy! (Gigi) Leave him alone! Don't hurt him! - Mm.
- Good morning, darling.
Well, that was a memorable anniversary.
You're not upset? It was a pretty hefty bill to pay for not getting to stay at a fancy hotel.
And not seeing a Broadway show.
I'm not mad at all.
But next year, to save time, we should just stay home and light $20 bills on fire.
And get Shake Shack.
I love the way you think.
Gimme.
Gimme.
Okay.
You come - I can't You - I can't get over there.
- Well, move somebody.
- [baby crying.]