The Larkins (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1
CLOCKS TICKING
SHE SIGHS
TRACTOR ENGINE OUTSIDE
More toast.
Yummy!
Got some of that.
Pass us that, Prim.
VEHICLE HORN BEEPS
Hm. That'll be Pop.
Quick, eat his bacon.
Why did he go out so early?
Cos he's like a blue-arsed fly.
Hm. He works long hours, doesn't he?
Mm-hm.
I've told him he needs to slow down.
Maybe I should write it on the barn
in big letters,
cos it's not getting through.
WHISTLING,
DOOR OPENS
Hello, loves.
Have I got a treat for you.
Is it a deep freeze?!
No. More entertaining.
What, another telly?! What for?
Two channels, two tellies.
In case our lodger wants to watch
something a bit more highfalutin.
Charley's not a lodger.
You don't pay rent.
Yes, well, about that,
I've been meaning Ah-ah.
Wouldn't dream of it.
You're our guest. You are kipping
in the spare bathroom.
Yeah, well, you know,
I have simple needs.
All right, my cabbage?
She thinks you're overdoing it.
To quote Aristotle,
"It is better to rise from work
"as from a banquet -
neither thirsty nor"
"..drunken."
SHE CHUCKLES
SHE SIGHS
Aren't they lovely, Charley?
Yes.
Is it safe to be this close?
To me or the horse?
The horse. I mean, don't they kick?
Well, only if they don't like you.
How do you know if they don't
like you? They give you a kick.
Hm.
Don't you get many horses in Catford?
No, not in the tax office.
Ooh, though someone did once
dump fertiliser in reception.
THEY LAUGH
Fertiliser?
Mm.
Oh, bless you, how BBC.
What do you call it?
Well, dung, if we're feeling posh.
Hang around here long enough
and you'll ride like a pro.
We Larkins are outdoor people.
You should try it.
Er, I-I'd love to,
but I have to go back eventually.
Any more time off
and I'll need a doctor's note.
So get one.
I'm not ill.
So you pretend to be.
If that doesn't work,
you slip the doc half a roast pig.
Eh?
Hello, dear. Ooh, what bold wool.
Isn't it? I'm finishing a swimsuit.
Me and the kids always go for a dip
in the river this time of year.
Does Mr Larkin join you
in his little trunks? No.
But this time, I'm gonna make him,
even if I have to pull him
off his tractor.
Oh, does he not take to water?
In my youth,
I used to love a bracing plunge
into the sea in Margate.
Wilf, I am doing that,
but it is not helping.
That's what I've been doing
Pack up your daft sun hat,
we're going
No, Wilf, I cannot get a good picture.
This is my patient but gritty face.
'It's your aerial, innit?'
Double telly needs twice the welly,
as we say in the TV antenna game.
Yeah, but you didn't tell me that
this morning, did you?
I'll sell you a massive aerial,
lovely job.
If the wind's right,
you'll get French TV.
I don't want to hear about France,
Wilf,
because my Mariette reckons
that's where she's off to.
Yeah, stuff of nonsense,
isn't it, overseas, eh?
Eh? Look, I'll come round
and get the aerial. All right?
Just
'It's in the warehouse, '
I'll bring it over this evening.
'Oh, you do that, Wilf.'
And one of the brighter
Larkin children will handle it. Bye.
Ma I am taking you away
for the weekend. Now.
Just you and me.
Now, the weekend's gonna be tricky.
Why?
Well, because
I prefer being here.
Well, I have been knitting this.
Oh.
And I'm gonna use it.
Nope, you're gonna have to help
me out. It's a swimming costume!
We are going to a hotel
at the seaside,
and you're gonna be riding me
instead of a muck spreader.
Oh, that's not what you want to hear.
MA CHUCKLES
Oh, enough of all that.
Come on, we've got bags to pack!
I wanna see your pasty legs dangling
out of some shorts before sunset!
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Oh, listen, listen.
Is that a woodpecker?
SHE CHUCKLES Yes.
WOODPECKER DRUMMING
That is amazing!
I don't think I've ever
really heard one before.
Wow.
You're gonna miss this place,
aren't you?
Yeah.
Yeah, I will.
I've never been anywhere like it.
I mean, it's funny how quickly
you can get used to the feeling.
What feeling?
Just happiness.
It almost feels normal now.
Yeah, I've had my shoulders
up by my ears for so long.
Suits you, too.
ENGINE REVVING
Morning, Mariette.
Hello, Tom.
Morning.
Am I interrupting anything?
No. No.
May I take you out for dinner tonight?
Oh, sorry, I can't, I'm afraid.
My turn to cook. Chops. Ha.
HE CHUCKLES
I'm thinking lashings
of sophisticated chat,
candles - lit -
and enough fine wine to drown a cat.
Erm, all right.
Excellent decision.
I'll pick you up about eight.
Cheerio.
REVS ENGINE
You know what, I will see
that doctor about a sick note.
Mm.
Why rush off?
Well, good job, too.
Ma's already called him.
Wait, what?
Ma, what about the nippers?
Nippers? Look at the size of them,
they'll be fine.
We're more worried about you.
You're not used to going on journeys.
We're going away for one weekend
to Margate in Kent, not Kentucky.
But, look, Ma,
we've got everything we need here.
Ain't we, kids?
Yeah.
Yes, exactly. Name me one thing you
haven't got and I'll get it for you.
A change of scenery. Bags in car.
Where are you going?
Kentucky.
Goodness.
No, Kent.
Aren't we there already?
'Ey, see.
What is the point?
Margate, I've booked us a hotel.
Be nice to sleep in sheets
I haven't bought, washed,
dried, ironed, mended,
and occasionally dribbled on.
Me and Charley are here,
we'll look after things.
Exactly. Pop, you said yourself
you'd rarely seen
a safer pair of hands than Charley's.
Softer. Softer pair of hands.
Look, we've got a farm to run,
Wilf is coming round
to fix the aerial,
and when he's not being sly,
he's being greedy, right?
I can handle him.
Good.
Charley and Mariette
are Ma and Pop for the weekend.
Which one's which?
Oi!
A few child management tips.
Let 'em breathe, but don't let them
get away with murder.
Not too much TV. They're far
too keen on it for my liking.
Nothing wrong with a bit of telly.
Make 'em read a book.
Or learn them some maths.
They're not the strongest,
except for Primrose,
who's too clever by half.
HONKS HORN
Bye!
Bye!
Bye!
Ooh! I'm not sure I can do this,
Mariette.
I am a very poor liar.
It's not lying, it's acting.
CLEARS THROA
So, fella m'lad,
what appears to be the problem?
It's my back.
Go on.
It's, erm
Ooh, well, it's a, erm
..a huge let-down.
THEY ALL GROAN
Why is he doing that with his mouth?
I don't know. Why are you doing that
with your mouth?
I don't know, it's really dry,
I don't know! What?
Pull yourself together, man.
I'm not sure I can do this,
I don't think I can do this.
He's here. Well, it's too late now,
you have to.
What?
Here you go, Ma.
Oh, look at this! Look at this!
HE CHUCKLES
Yes.
This is it, then. What do you think?
I think you've packed
for a fortnight, not a weekend.
What you got in these?
Oh, you know, change of shoes,
sewing machine, just in case.
HE LAUGHS
Welcome to the Margate Grand.
Can I help you with your bags, sir?
Ladies first.
Sorry, Duchess, didn't see you there.
How do you know I'm a duchess?
Oh, he doesn't, love,
it's just a term of endearment,
like duck. Pumpkin.
Chuckles.
Cabbage.
Treacle.
Cock.
THEY LAUGH
She'll loosen up, won't she?
Yeah!
Same hotel as a real duchess,
though. Yep.
Go on, girl.
Could do with a lick of paint.
Or they could go straight to a stick
of dynamite and a bulldozer.
Oh.
Oh, is this it?
Go on, Ma.
HE GRUNTS
Oh.
Cosy.
HE STRAINS I thought you said
I thought you said it had a sea view.
Oh. Ha.
BED CREAKS It's awful, isn't it?
Do you want to go home?
I'll understand if you do.
You do, don't you?
Let's go home.
Ma.
Are you kidding?
We're on our holidays.
Let the fun commence.
Come on. Ha-ha! Arm.
Arse.
Ooh! I thank you.
THEY LAUGH
Go on, Ma. Go on.
Ooh-hoo!
Go on!
THEY GIGGLE
Hm Can't feel anything.
Montgomery, bring the doctor's
whiskey and soda, would you?
No, no, I mustn't.
Mrs Leagrave's got me
on a health kick.
No booze, no meat, no jelly babies.
Physician heal thyself.
So she's in charge, is she?
Oh, go on, then.
So, not much pain?
Erm Er
It comes and goes.
He's being brave. Makes a change.
Nation of hypochondriacs.
Everyone demanding pills. Whatever
happened to suffering in silence?
So, will you give him a sick note?
No, he's not sick.
Er, I really do have an ache.
These days, I often feel dizzy.
Do you want this? Meat?
Oh, all right. I'll give him a note.
Keep out of draughts,
stay away from wet grass,
and if he is staying here,
get him a real bed.
Oh, come here, you little beauty.
Yes. Mm!
Mm. Thank you.
Mm-hm-hm!
SLOW PIANO MUSIC
Got anything a bit more upbeat,
Mantovani?
We'll have to make our own fun, Ma.
Champagne?
Yes!
Is there a do on?
No. There's the Duchess. Not a face
you run towards, is it? No.
Maybe it's a funeral.
Yeah. Best I get two bottles, eh?
It's hard to see
if I'm doing this right.
KNOCKING AT DOOR
All right, poppet?
Is Pop in? Aerial.
No, he's off this weekend, but
he left me to deal with it and pay.
Follow me.
Oh. It's a big'un.
Yeah, it's not cheap.
It's a multi-element
switchable antenna
with high impedance stacking bars.
As you can see, love.
It's a bunch of metal rods, though,
isn't it? Basically.
120 quid, installed.
Oh, so you've jacked up the price,
haven't you? As it's me.
No.
I asked around.
60 quid cash, if it works,
or 40 quid and we put it up ourselves.
DOOR SLAMS,
ENGINE STARTS
What do we have to do
to get a drink around here?
I think you normally ask the barman.
Right.
Right, then.
What can I get you, son?
Oh, they wouldn't let me.
I'm not 18 yet.
No? Oh, well.
You just keep 'em busy,
I'll smuggle you a cider.
Eh?
Who died? Oh, that's not a funeral.
That's my wedding.
Blimey.
Kenneth, have you spoken
to your Uncle Tergel yet?
No, I was gonna Oh, stop
lurking here like an alcoholic
and go and make a good impression.
He's got two houses.
Hello, Duchess.
What's your poison?
I don't understand.
Do you work here?
No, no, but I'm always in service,
you know,
when I spot a lady
in need of champagne.
Is this man in your entourage?
I don't believe he is.
I surmised he was in your entourage.
Certainly not. No, of course not.
What was I thinking?
Shall I solve the mystery,
or do you want to keep this going
for a bit?
Oh, you you've got something
on your on your faces.
Yeah. There.
That's it, well done.
Just toffee on your nose.
HE LAUGHS
Here, Ma.
Guess what I found out?
It ain't a funeral.
I know, it's a wedding,
and that lot have got a face on
cos the couple are only kids,
bless 'em,
and she's well and truly
in the pudding club,
which has not gone down well,
cos you know who her mother is?
The Duchess? The Duchess.
And she's spitting feathers
because the girl's marrying
below her station,
but his lot are well chuffed
because now he's set for life
and off to join the family firm
in Hertfordshire.
I think.
Blimey.
They should have used you as a spy
in the war.
How do you know they didn't?
HE LAUGHS
Poor kids. Still, not a way
to start married life, is it?
What you thinking?
More champagne.
Maths, maths can actually have
a real beauty to it, girls.
Just think of the figures as musical
notes, which, together, they can
Thanks!
..symphony.
We've saved 20 quid
putting that up ourselves.
I'll give dad half,
and then the rest will pay
for me to get to France.
Mm-hm.
Ooh! Children, this doesn't mean
you're going to watch TV all weekend!
CAR APPROACHES
Oh, God, is it time?
Didn't realise you actually
live here now. Yeah.
Mr and Mrs Larkin have gone away
for the weekend
and have left me in loco parentis.
Yeah. Massive responsibility.
Good for you.
Hm.
The nanny.
And you're happy with that little
girl on the roof, are you?
Yep, absolutely, I've
..checked it's, erm, safe up there.
Excuse me. Er, Victoria!
Victoria, could you possibly
get down off the roof now?
Before you plummet to your death.
Well, you look edible.
I hope you're hungry.
Famished. See you later, Charley.
Wait, your coat. It's really cold.
Hold on.
Oh, erm, it's not actually
that cold, so
Let's get going.
STARTS ENGINE
Mariette. Mariette, your
Hold tight.
Ooh, seatbelts.
Sorry?
Don't forget your seatbelts.
It doesn't have any.
We're wild and free!
Whoo!
Whoo!
CHATTER AND LAUGHTER
Enjoy. Cheers.
Don't drink it all at once.
Top-up here.
Get you another few bottles.
Cheers to you, an' all.
Mr and Mrs Larkin.
The bar manager tells me
I've got you to thank for all this.
Oh, no need.
We over-ordered on the champagne,
didn't we, Ma?
You lot are doing us a favour
by drinking it
and not sitting there looking like
you're all about to top yourselves!
Well, it's very much appreciated.
Where's the lucky lady?
She's in her room.
Oh, yeah, course,
it's bad luck to see the bride
before the old how's-your-father.
Yeah, yeah. And she wasn't invited.
I think we've now established that
you are not with the wedding party.
Let's just say you bought
the wedding, we bought the party.
No, no, this is a private function,
so we must ask you
and your companion to leave.
But they bought the champagne,
and they're nice Kenneth.
We didn't request your cheap fizz
or your participation.
Ooh.
Don't throw her to the ground, Ma.
SHE CLEARS HER THROA
POSH ACCENT: I think there has been
some kind of misunderstanding.
Indeed. OWN ACCENT:
You think you're special.
But we think you're a snobbish bully
who wouldn't know fun
if sat on your face.
Now, I am sorry you are upset
that your girl is up the duff!
CHATTER STOPS,
GASPS
Which I now realise
is not widely known.
Apologies.
But a pregnant woman should
be celebrated, not hidden away.
Good.
Point made, Ma.
Now, excuse us, because there's
a beach with our name on it.
Come on, Ma.
Enjoy the champagne.
FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
TV PLAYING
SHE MOANS
What did you do that for?!
You know we were watching that?
You can't spend all weekend
shut up in here watching television.
It'll rot your brains.
Says who?
Scientists.
Name 'em.
Er
Look, tomorrow,
we'll play fun games outside.
All right?
Till then read a book.
Right, here's one for you, Victoria.
Here's one for you.
Read it.
All right.
Read it.
Read it twice.
HE GROANS
I think you're frustrated
cos Mariette's out with Tom.
Oh, do you, now?
Hm?
All right, we'll play a game.
Excellent!
Thank you.
Snooker.
And if we win,
we get to do whatever we want
for the rest of the weekend.
Deal.
And if I win,
you all have to do what I want.
And I am rather good at snooker. Hm.
So is Montgomery.
Primrose, pass me the cue.
Thank you.
Table for Tom Fisher?
Round the back.
Your waitress'll be with you
in her own good time, I imagine.
Aw.
Will it do?
Oh, it's It's perfect.
Hello.
SHE SIGHS Great.
MA GIGGLES
Unbelievable.
SHE LAUGHS
Mr and Mrs Larkin?
Can I apologise?
It's my big mouth
that should apologise, Kenny.
I never knew it was a secret.
Well, it wouldn't be
if it was up to me.
I wanna shout it from the rooftops.
So your girl's parents think
you brought shame on the family?
Yeah. And a wedding, like,
just seems the least bad option?
Yeah, but
I mean, Xanthe's wonderful,
and we'd probably do it anyway.
Only, not like this,
you know, feeling like
we'd shot someone.
Take our motor.
That's yours? Yep. Get that girl
of yours to the registry in style.
Well, I can't drive.
That's all right. I'll pick her up.
Ok, Ma?
Course! Should be the happiest
day or your life, son,
don't you let anyone
tell you otherwise.
Thanks, Mr and Mrs Larkin.
No, no. Pop and Ma, please.
Go and enjoy
your last night of freedom
before you marry into that shower.
All due respect to your bride.
SHE CHUCKLES
Come on, Montgomery, humiliate him.
CHARLEY CHUCKLES Unlucky.
There's no such thing as bad luck,
Primrose.
Just bad planning.
As you will see
when I put the pink in the
LOUD QUACKING OUTSIDE
That's an interesting strategy,
do talk us through it.
Wow, OK, well, that's not fair,
I was interfered with,
surely I have to
ALL CHEERING Champion!
Come on!
HE SIGHS
OK.
Right, I am never having children.
SONG: 'Crazy Man Crazy'
Go, go, go, everybody
Go, go, go, everybody
Go, go, go, everybody
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go
Crazy, man, crazy
Crazy, man, crazy
Crazy, man, crazy
Man, that music's gone
I said crazy, man, crazy
Crazy, man, crazy
Crazy, man, crazy
Man, that music's gone
They play it soft
They play it strong
They play it wild
And they play it long ♪
Yep. Larkin Eau De Toilette.
We literally got water
out of the toilet
Flushed, obviously, we're not animals.
..put it in bottles and sold it.
Ma made us pay back every penny.
I always think, "Spray perfume
where you want to be kissed"
was brilliant marketing.
I was going through a pint a week.
That was when me and Pauline
were best friends.
Ah, the innocence of youth.
Was that why you think
you need to leave?
To be a grown-up?
If you like. I need to see
what else is out there.
You don't have to move away for that.
Yeah. "Watch it on the telly,
sweetheart. Perfick."
Oh, that's my dad.
Oh. Right.
Or you could go on holiday.
I have been everywhere.
You can broaden your horizons,
then return to Arcadia.
Oh, yeah? What will I use for money?
Earn it, in my new hotel.
I'll be a very generous employer,
especially to you.
Business is as beautiful as you
when it's done right.
Oh, God, you're like
a silkier version of my dad.
And like him, I've worked my way up.
I've turned base metal into gold.
Where do you get your confidence from?
A wee shop in Ballystrudder.
I bought up all their stock.
Oh, so you're a small town kid.
Yeah.
You and me are the same.
Except you are very much a woman
and I am very much a man.
And this is me very much saying
that I'd be a fabulous boyfriend.
Should we pause our conversation?
Oh, don't mind me.
Even more wine, madame?
Oh!
Clumsy old me. So sorry.
Like hell you are!
Oh, Mariette, don't.
Don't tell me what to do! You did
that on purpose, you jealous harpy.
Jealous of a desperate trollop
who leads men on for free dinner?
How do you want your wine,
in your stupid face
or down your second-rate bosom?!
Mariette, if you're going to throw
wine, I'll bring the cheap stuff.
Pauline, there's a barrel
needs changing.
Sorry, Reg.
Yes, Reg.
Dessert?
Shall we not?
I'll get the bill.
Yep.
Let's find a nice spot on the beach,
shall we, Pop? Yeah.
We did get a sea view after all.
Yeah, best table in town.
Ma, I've just gotta say,
I really love our little life,
our little home.
I know, love.
I'm sorry for dragging us away.
I don't know what I was thinking,
really. But
But I've also loved
spending this time with you.
It just reminds me
how the whole thing started.
Just the two of us. And we should
make more time for that.
Are you trying to tell me
that you are enjoying your holiday?
Let's book another.
Some people are going to Spain
these days.
Let's not go mad, Ma.
This doesn't have to ruin our evening.
Let's go dancing in Folkestone.
Sorry, I'm not in the mood.
If I'd have known
your nemesis worked in there,
I'd have chosen a safer venue,
like a bomb factory.
We'll laugh about it one day.
Or should we jump ahead
and laugh about it now?
Night, Tom. I need to walk this off.
Kids! Bed.
A bet's a bet.
Ooh, I I should probably
just check if Mariette's OK.
You're back.
Just getting some air.
Hmm.
Ooh. What happened?
Pauline.
Oh. Right.
I don't want to be trapped in
the village with the same old faces
and the same old arguments
for the rest of my life.
This is why I need to leave home.
Hey, look, everyone needs
a new start sometimes.
I did.
I I do understand, Mariette.
I think you might be the only one
that does.
CHILDREN LAUGH AND SHOU
Oh.
I am not making a good job
of the child management.
You know it is only Friday night?
No.
Really?
Ah!
Toast is on fire, Charley.
Ooh. Ah!
Oh. Ah
I prefer my bacon floppy.
I can't watch this any more.
BOTH: Waffles!
Oh.
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Do you want me to help?
No, no, no. I can do this.
Thank you.
Oh!
DOG BARKS
No, I really
All right.
All right, that's it.
Bread, jam, sausages. I'm done.
Oh, thank you very much.
You're welcome.
Here, we walked past your place
last night.
Where'd you get your aerial?
I have to say it's huge
and absolutely ghastly.
What do you bloody expect?
It's a TV aerial.
The bigger, the better.
Pop wanted it.
It works, though. We watched
everything till closedown.
Gardening, news, golf, news.
Something in Welsh.
You lucky little bastards.
My reception's crappy.
I had to give up
and drink myself stupid.
It is huge and ghastly,
Miss Pilchester.
I'll have a think.
Meanwhile, might you help
cure leprosy and rickets?
Yeah, that'll do it.
Oh, look at you, all relaxed.
Like a seal.
Right. I am going in.
What do you think?
Gorgeous. You look like the sun,
only brighter.
You know nothing of fashion,
Mr Larkin.
You coming in?
No.
Birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim,
and Pop's got a deckchair.
There's a young girl needs
rushing down the aisle, Ma.
Oh.
Don't sit right, this wedding,
does it?
No. Lambs to the slaughter, Ma.
Which is all right on a farm,
of course.
With a bit of mint sauce.
CHUCKLES Go on, girl!
Ah!
Right.
VOICES ON TELEVISION,
STEAM TRAIN CHUGS
Right. We're taking down the aerial.
No. Pop will be sad
you wasted money.
Don't you worry about that.
That's it, Stirling Moss,
take your time.
Thank you, sir.
Anything else, sir?
Yeah. Couldn't borrow your hat,
could I?
Be an honour, sir.
Thank you.
Excuse me, are you here to take me
to the registry office?
I certainly am, miss, yeah.
Can I take those for you?
I'm all right, thank you.
Right. So
you got anyone else coming with you?
No, just me.
Thank God for that.
Thought you might be
bringing your mother.
No.
She's there already. Waiting.
Right.
OK.
So, let's get going, shall we?
Sure you want to get married?
You two known each other long, then?
Since school, so no. Not long.
You've got plenty of time
to get to know each other now, eh?
I'm still finding out about Ma
and we've been together, phew
400 years.
Do you have any children?
Yeah. Half a dozen.
Mostly in prison now.
POP LAUGHS
Anyway, look. Here we go.
Already?
Wait.
Remember what they say.
Something old
Something new.
Something borrowed.
Something blue.
I can't show you those!
And something from the chip shop!
We can't!
We already have!
Did you do this on your wedding day?
Nope. Cos we never got married.
Overrated, if you ask me.
Help!
WHINES
Thanks. I feel a bit better now.
So, getting cold feet?
Mm-mm. Not about Kenny.
He's, erm wonderful.
Hmm. So, you have children,
but aren't married?
Yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong,
I love a wedding.
Unless, of course, it's got
all the goodwill of a firing squad.
Yeah.
Well, we have to.
My parents can't bare the shame
if we don't, apparently.
It's not their life.
We won't survive without them, though.
Who said that?
My mother.
What's your dad think?
Whatever my mother thinks.
He's lost the will to live, really.
Well, if you buy your mum's deal,
that might be you and Kenny.
Did you always know
Ma was the one for you?
Oh, yeah,
first time I laid eyes on her.
Yeah. She's everything I'm not.
And braver, too.
I mean, you should've seen her
this morning
when she strode out into that sea.
She can't still be out there, surely.
Pop!
Pop!
Ma! Come in!
You'll catch your death of cold.
I can't!
What?!
I can't.
Why not?!
Oh, my Gawd.
What do you want me to do?!
Help me.
Oh, Gawd!
Wait there! Stay there, Ma.
Stay there. Stay there, Ma.
Stay there.
Good afternoon, madam.
HE LAUGHS
May I escort you to the beach?
If you would.
Good. There's someone
I'd like you to meet.
Come on, girl.
Oh-ho-ho!
Ma, this is Xanthe.
I was just giving her a lift
to the registry office,
then she had a change of heart.
Hello, love.
I've just been in the water
for an hour,
so I'm not looking my best.
That is the most romantic thing
I've ever seen.
Well, I'd do anything for this woman.
Because you love her.
And I love my Kenny.
We can't just leave him there.
We have to go back.
Well, come on, let's go!
There you go. Jump in.
Shoulders back.
Sorry.
Where is she?
ORGAN PLAYS BRIDAL MARCH
You again. What are you doing?
I'd love a word with Kenny.
Is he free at all?
No, he isn't.
Just a quick one.
Come on. Outside.
Sorry about this. Back in two ticks.
Ooh, good hat.
Quick chat with the bride.
No! This is a good marriage.
They go skiing.
Ooh!
Kenny, quickly.
You will get married.
And we will tame you.
And your baby will carry on the line!
No, he's the man.
So it's their line.
Normally.
But I have a very good lawyer.
Come on. Quick. This way. Come on.
Go, go, go, go!
Oh, yes, let's all run away
from things we don't want to do.
What's going on?
I couldn't do it, Kenny.
It's not that I don't love you, but
none of this has been our decision.
And I want it to be.
You do want to be with me?
She really does.
Huge fan of yours.
Now, here we go.
So, what happens now?
I'd get out of Margate for a bit.
Here. It's our unwedding gift.
Thanks, Pop.
But what about the baby?
You meet trouble,
your parents will see the baby,
their hearts will melt
and they'll help you out.
Meantime, we're down the road
in Littlechurch.
Larkins' Farm.
So, if you get time to yourselves,
just drop in, eh?
We'll help you find a place.
Anything you need, set you up nice.
I don't know how
we can ever thank you.
Oh, I nearly forgot.
Ah!
Good catch, Ma.
Brilliant!
Remember when we had our Mariette?
They're gonna need some luck.
Best time, though.
Oh, it is.
Suppose that's what Mariette's
doing now, isn't it?
Needing to strike out on her own.
Different in her case, though.
Completely different.
INTERMITTENT VOICES THROUGH STATIC
Ah. Mum and Charley will be pleased.
So, who'd you sell the aerial to,
then?
Well, you'll see it around.
VOICES ON TELEVISION
'They have. It's all over.'
Can I take your bags to the car, sir?
Can you, though?
That's the question.
Nah. Probably not.
Oh, dear.
The Ugly Mothers.
You've got a nerve turning up here.
We should go to the police.
Actually, should we go to
the police? And tell them what?
That we helped two lovely young people
decide for themselves
what they want in life?
If that's a crime, I'm a badger.
Ladies.
I understand. I really do.
It's hard, isn't it,
all this parenting lark?
You don't have to tell me that.
Cos we love 'em, don't we?
And we want what's best for them.
But you gotta remember being young.
Don't ya? Hey?
I mean, it weren't that long ago
for the two of you, I can tell that.
Don't tell me you've forgotten the
tingling rush as you hold the hand
of the one person who makes
your heart beat faster.
They're young.
They're in love
and they're gonna have a baby.
What they don't need right now
is a bit of paper
that makes you two feel decent.
They need your support.
So, show 'em some love.
And let 'em work it out
for themselves, why don't you?
And then what?
Well, then you might get
what you really want.
Which is?
Your little girl to come back to you.
How did you know that?
It's what we all want, really, innit?
That bit of fence is down, look.
Oh, yeah. But they didn't escape.
Maybe the best way
to make a horse stay
is to show it that it's free
to decide for itself.
Thanks, Aristotle (!)
What, are you saying I'm like a horse?
Er well
So, are you gonna
use that sick note, then?
Oh, yeah.
Stay around a bit longer?
Yeah, well, I mean,
it would be rude not to.
But I have to do something.
I can't just wander through
fields of buttercups all day.
HORSE SNORTS
Urgh! You know, I was
just starting to like you.
Who? Me or Biscuit?
That is a stupid name for a horse.
It's not a stupid name.
She's the colour of a biscuit.
But biscuits come in all colours.
"Biscuits come in all colours."
"Biscuits come in all colours."
But I didn't say it like that.
You did!
Ah!
We missed you!
How was it?
Good and bad.
Your mum dissolved at one point.
Got any presents?
Maybe.
ALL GASP AND EXCLAIM
Oh, wow. Nice work, Charley boy.
Not really. Your children
outwitted me at every turn.
With all due respect, I'd be shocked
if they hadn't, Charley.
Mm-hm.
This is yours, Pop.
Oh, yeah?
We haven't got the aerial.
There's more there than I give you.
Yeah, I got a good deal,
but it looked horrible,
so I sold it for more.
What a girl!
There's a Larkin.
Well done, Mariette.
Oh, thank you kindly.
Now, this is all Charley's work.
The cakes, sandwiches, the
Don't eat the drop scones.
He's been such a pal.
A pal?
Mariette had a date with Tom.
Don't want to talk about it.
How's my Victoria been?
Ah, well, my one success.
Head in a gardening book all weekend.
I think you might have
a budding horticulturist there.
Aw, Vickie!
Lady Chatterley's Lover?!
Oh, God!
LAUGHTER
Go and watch television right now,
young lady.
Honestly! Oof.
We go away for one weekend
and the place falls apart.
Yeah, I doubt we'll risk going away
again for a while. If ever.
Now, Pop and I have learnt
some things this weekend
about respect and honesty
within a family.
So Yes, we have.
So from now on, if we as parents
And this
This is serious, by the way.
Sooner we marry them off,
the better. Mm.
Yep.
Where's your boat?
Oh, yeah.
Here you go, Ma, look at that.
Aw.
It's a beauty, innit?
Mmm.
Happy days, eh?