The League s01e03 Episode Script

I'm running to the bar to watch the games with the guys.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Why? - Why? - Where did that shirt come from? I don't know.
Found it in the back.
- I figured I haven't worn it in a while - It needs to go way back, further.
- Why would I change? Yeah.
- Why would you change? - Why would you wear that? I don't know.
Mommy, Daddy, look what I found in the toilet.
- Where did you get that, sweetheart? - I made it.
- You made that? - You made it? Yes, you did.
Don't squeeze it.
- That was shit.
She has shit in her hand.
- Mm-hm.
Why is she picking up shit? I've read about this before.
It's like fun with feces.
Fun with feces? I've taken dumps before.
It's fun, you take a picture of it.
- Send it to friends.
- Disgusting.
You don't whip it around your head like a churro.
- Just let her grow out of it.
- You're the mother, deal with this.
- Don't tell anybody.
- I'm not gonna tell anyone.
- Nobody knows about this poop situation.
- Obviously.
I'm putting it in the kitchen.
- Okay, honey - No, no, no, baby, don't.
To two of my good friends.
Mr.
Frank Gore and Mr.
Andre Johnson.
Leading the Double Ent-Andres to victory.
This is my worst nightmare.
Losing to you.
I was expecting a little bit of a challenge this week.
- But your team is so terrible.
- Oh, stop.
This is like Freaky Friday.
Like, Kevin has gone into Andre's body.
The roles have reversed.
Guess what.
I'm your mother, but I'm cool now.
- What do you mean? - You reversed roles and he's crushing you.
I'm Jamie Lee Curtis, you're Lindsay Lohan.
I'm cool, you're not.
- This is what I lost to? Wow.
You know, I do talk a lot of smack, guys, but it's only because I can: - What does that mean? Back it up.
I can back up my smack talk, my friend.
Okay, really? Stereo? When the guy's right, he's right.
Knows what he's doing.
Hi, I got off the phone with the out-of-towners.
Vince would like me to give you the number for a shelter because Andre beat your ass so bad.
- That's nice.
- All this can be fixed.
All you have to do is win.
I will win, okay, but there's something strange going on here.
Can I just say, next week, I would like to extend an invitation to you to watch the games at my house and have a meal provided by my lovely wife.
I have not been invited over since the arrival of The First Human Child.
Have you been? - I don't know if I have security clearance.
- I don't.
- Do you? - No, I haven't been through the scanners.
We got a dog.
Ellie can play with the dog.
- You've got a dog? Come over.
Enjoy my home, watch the games.
It will be lovely.
- That'd be exciting.
Yeah, Sofia's excited.
She's gonna be cooking some famous dish.
That should be good.
Oh, Sofia's gonna be there.
- Yeah, my wife's gonna be at my house.
Oh, cool.
I haven't seen her in a while.
She's fun, she's cool.
You want us to bring anything? - Yeah.
You know what you can bring is a condom so that you can just go to town on Kevin like you did last week.
- Backing it up.
- It's all right, buddy.
- How's your lineup looking? It's not good.
LT is listed as questionable.
Questionable, what does that mean? No one knows what that means.
It's like if I start him, and he doesn't play I have nothing in the bank, got no backups.
- I'm screwed.
- Yeah, you have no outs.
They know if they're playing.
They know.
They should tell us.
We should have a direct phone line to these guys.
Not to mention, I'm playing Andre this week.
And rumor is, he actually beat someone last week.
I mean, can you imagine losing to that guy? Are you happy now? Are you finished? You've really You've done enough to my psyche.
It could happen to anyone, all right? Gotta go.
All right, bye.
Hey, you.
- What are you doing here? - What are you doing here? I had a couple meetings.
I'm in between.
- Great to see you.
- Let's go grab a drink.
I, um You know what, I can't because I have to do a house-call thing.
- You're a plastic surgeon.
- Yeah.
Do you have, like, an emergency spider vein, or a tit popped or something like that? - What happened? - Good one.
I'd love to hang out, but I gotta do this.
Kidding aside, I gotta say something.
Uh, we break your balls about the league but you're really doing well and I'm happy for you.
Well, guess what.
I've always been this good.
I've always been a champion.
And you know what I've been doing is I've been sowing and now I'm reaping.
Planting the seed and then I've grown into a beautiful flower and now everyone wants to smell me.
So smell it? - You smell that? - What? - It's bullshit, man.
- Oh, really? You're out there.
I see you.
You're out there.
You got your games you're playing.
You got people on the side you're paying to help you out.
There's maybe even a dungeon.
You got a guy down there.
- All right, I'm onto you.
- You know what I smell? Ah, yes, it's, uh, the smell of jealousy with a tinge of admiration and just a whiff of sadness.
Good luck because I'm gonna: - Oh, here we go.
Back it up.
- Back it up.
- What's up, Dre? - Oh, what's up, ballers? Dre.
What's up, man? - High-five.
There he is.
Oh, yeah, buddy.
- All right.
Dr.
Dre, you are killing it.
You are dominating this league.
Tell me something I don't know.
Andre Potter and the Fantasy Zone is coming for you.
All right, so watch out.
This week I'm up against you.
- I know you're gonna beat me.
- I dominate the waiver wire.
- Andre, I thought maybe this week Whoa.
What'd you call me? - L Andre.
No, no, no.
Here I'm Dre, okay? - I'm sorry.
Heh.
I'm so sorry.
All right? Hey, it's cool.
You accept my apology? - Accepted.
We were thinking of going to Hammer's house in Wrigleyville, just hanging.
- Watching all the games - No, guys.
No Sundays.
- We'll do the weekend afterwards.
- No Sundays.
How many times do I have to tell you? Wanna talk on Sundays, don't call me.
- Text me.
- We'll take it.
There you go.
- Yeah, we're good.
Let's all agree that we are The League of Extraordinary Fantasy Gentlemen.
No, no, instead of The League of Extraordinary Fantasy Gentlemen I think that we should change it to The Fantasy League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
- Oh, triple snap.
- Right? - Boom, boom, boom! - Boom, boom, boom! All right, LT.
How's the ankle, bud? Questionable.
Questionable.
What does that tell me? All right.
You wanna play it that way? All right, that's fine.
Hi, this is Pete.
I'd like to speak with Terry Bradshaw, please.
Yeah, it's a personal matter so just returning his call.
Hey, is Bradshaw around? Yeah, Pete needs him.
Hi, I have Peter calling for Mr.
Bradshaw.
Pete.
P-E-T-E, for Terry.
Yeah, it's Uncle Pete.
Let me talk to Terry.
Hey, Pete, it's Terry.
Hi, Terry.
Hey, Uncle Pete, is everything all right? Is there a problem? Uh, no, no problem.
But, you know, I was just I was thinking about football I was actually worried about LT this weekend.
This is not my Uncle Pete.
No, it's me, it's Uncle Pete.
Come on.
You used to sit on my lap, pony rides, Pete.
No, my Uncle Pete had his larynx taken out.
He talks through a hole in his neck now.
- It's a miracle.
- Cut the crap, buddy, all right? You think I've never been pumped for some fantasy-football information? I once had a policeman pull me over just to see whether or not he should start Kurt Warner or Donovan McNabb.
Just hook me up once, please.
Is LT gonna play? You got some balls, kid.
- Two small ones but I'm trying to use them.
- I do admire that.
I'll answer your question.
Yes, definitely.
- Yes? - Absolutely.
Starting, good shape.
I am sending you a fruit basket, sir.
Thank you.
- You know this number? - Yes, sir.
- Lose it.
- Thank you, sir, thank you.
Bradshaw on the phone, LT on the field.
Unstoppable.
Oh Hi.
Almost game time.
Let's do it.
Hold your horses.
Hold your horses, okay? We gotta talk some ground rules.
If you don't mind sanitizing your hands before you see baby Jeffrey.
Don't ask these people, tell them.
Cover yourself in this.
Put it on the rug rat.
Taco, take a bath in it.
- Can I drink it? It's like holy water.
Let us all anoint our hands before we touch the baby Jesus for he has come to save the world.
You joke, but it's true.
Oh, hey.
Oh, yeah.
It's a baby.
- Look at the baby.
- Goodness.
- He's beautiful.
He is.
He's wonderful.
- Yeah.
Beautiful? He's got the Ruxin face.
We used to be two.
Now we're a Holy Trinity.
It's beautiful.
- How'd your mom like the christening? I told her the church was like a really progressive synagogue.
Who did you go with for godparents? It was supposed to be Pete and Meegan until: Yeah.
Just because I'm single that doesn't disqualify me from being a godparent.
Seriously, I have been a great godfather to Ellie.
Have I not? Whoa, I thought I was Ellie's godfather.
Yeah.
- Yes, you know, you are.
I was thinking of something different, and you're a great godfather.
Yeah, because when you guys die of cancer, car accident, whatever l'm gonna move into your house.
Bring my puzzles, my slingshot, my Sega Genesis.
Gonna hang out with Ellie all day.
It's gonna be awesome.
Taco, I'm gonna be around a long time, okay? Yeah, but she probably won't.
- I'm standing right here.
- I'm just saying that Unless the son of Ruxin starts spouting off the scores, I think All right, you're excused.
- Thank you.
Yes.
Get all single men out of here.
Anyone with communicable diseases.
- So, Jenny - Suck it, Ruxin.
- Hi, buddy.
Hi, buddy.
- Yeah.
- Ellie, you wanna meet Jeffrey? Come here, sweetie.
Step up and say hello.
Hello.
- Ellie is such an angel.
Thank you.
She is so well behaved.
She is so smart.
- They pick up things at that age.
Oh, yeah.
She picks everything up.
- Picks it up and she moves - She's brilliant.
I have some snacks for you guys, but please don't fill up.
I have a very big, delicious lunch coming up.
Sounds good.
Nice TV.
- Need help in the kitchen? - I do.
- Well, let's do it, girlfriend.
- All right, Taco, bring it on.
What do we got here? Easy does it, sweetheart.
Be easy.
Oh, look at this.
Hey.
Oh, hi.
Guys, everybody, this is Cale.
What? - I love Cale.
Can I pet him? Ellie, go outside.
- You named your dog Cale? - Yeah.
I told you in confidence that we were trying to have another baby.
If it was a boy, we wanted to name it Cale.
It's a great name.
We can share the name.
- No, we're not sharing Cale.
- No, I'm not The dog looks like a Cale.
- I mean, look at him, he's a Cale.
- I hate you.
You screwed me here.
Because now, instead of Cale, we're gonna have to name him after one of her uncles.
- What's that name? - Moral.
Moral MacArthur.
He sounds like a Civil War general.
- Can you change your dog's name? - This dog's real, your baby's hypothetical.
And I think a mistake.
Dick.
- Sorry, I can't talk to you right now, bye.
Oh, God.
Hey, your week two champion has arrived.
Oh, stop, all right? It's week three.
Get over it, sit down.
Center seat for the winner.
- Sit down.
There's a crack.
You wanna sit there? - Watch it.
Just go.
Pick a nice seat there.
Get here on time.
- That's Cale's seat, but I'll let you sit in it.
- By the way, awesome name.
- Great dog.
Thanks.
Ruxin, why are we watching a baby in picture-in-picture here? What's happening? I got Jeffrey on the baby cam there, so we can watch him while the game is going on.
- Wait, that's baby Jeffrey? - Yeah.
I heard if you look directly at him, he'll blind you.
The Ark of the Covenant, he melts your face.
That smells delicious.
You're a good helper, Taquito.
- Oh, merci.
Here, let me taste, let me taste.
- Mm-hm.
- Good? Good? - Here.
All it needs is for you to try it.
- Ahh.
- Weird to you at all? - This? You're so awesome.
- No.
There's a man in your kitchen performing your husbandly duties with your wife.
- Doesn't bother you? - Does it bother me that Taco is in my kitchen blanching carrots while I'm out here drinking beer and watching football? No.
No, it doesn't bother me.
- I do not have a great butt.
- You do have a great butt.
I have a theory.
So in horse racing, oftentimes they'll bring in a lesser horse get the mare all riled up, excited, feeling it.
And right as he's about to blow, they yank him out and bring in the breeding stallion.
Hello.
Heh, heh.
You have a great butt.
You got that Latin butt going on, seriously.
- So Taco's essentially your teasing stallion? - Nailed it.
Don't you spank me.
Don't you spank me.
Wait, I noticed that you're starting LT this week.
That's a bold choice, right? You played LT this week? - Yeah, of course I did.
- How do you know he's gonna play? - I feel pretty confident about it.
Sweet ringtone.
You changed it from Limp Bizkit? Yep.
Hey.
Hey, hey, giggly, it's rude to talk on the phone in front of your friends.
- This is the third call.
Hold on one sec? - Are you dealing now? What's happening? - Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
He didn't know it was a bye week? Oh, dude, I am going to crush the Hammer.
I gotta go, man.
I can't talk to you, it's Um, I gotta go.
What you doing? - Checking out these books.
- Yeah? Who you talking to? - No one.
- I'm gonna ask you one more time.
Who you talking to? - I'm in another league.
- I knew it.
How long have you been in it? - Is this serious? I love it.
- I'm a king there, they love me.
- What? And it's been the best three weeks of my life.
They don't make fun of me.
They like me.
- They think I'm funny - Settle down a bit, we're gonna We're hearing you, and we're gonna try harder.
You're gonna stop making fun of my teeth? - No.
- Yes.
You're not gonna keep on making jokes? You mean that the semen's dissolving all the enamel? I knew it.
Go ahead, laugh.
I know it's in there.
Don't laugh.
- Yeah, laugh it up.
That wasn't funny.
You're right.
- It's hilarious to you guys.
But I have a disease.
A periodontal disease.
I can show you the prescriptions I have for a special toothpaste.
So does my grandfather.
I'm sorry.
That's exactly what I'm talking about.
Those guys, you know what they say? "Oh, Andre, is that too hot for you? Oh, Andre, we care about your enamel.
" Do they say, "Oh, Andre, can we shoot it in the back of your mouth"? We're getting off track here.
Sometimes we're not the best at expressing our emotions.
But that's why you belong.
You're the glue that holds the whole group together.
You're the centerpiece.
You're like the honeydew in a fruit salad, you know.
Nobody likes the honeydew.
But you need it because it fills up space.
The point he's saying is this is less about you than it is about us.
Without you, we'd eat our own, man.
Can I bring maybe one of those guys? - No, not a chance.
- No.
We need you to take care of this.
Want you to call those guys, break up with that league.
Okay.
Well, we'll see.
You know what's important.
Make that call.
Yes, Maurice Jones-Drew, three touchdowns.
- Give me some sugar.
- Yeah.
Hey, where's Ellie? - Seriously? - Yeah.
I put her down for a nap a half-hour ago.
Oh, good thinking.
- Lunch is ready.
Awesome.
Food.
It smells really good, Sofia.
Fantastic.
Get some food and head back to the table.
Nope.
Uh-uh.
That's not lunch.
Follow me.
Where are we going? You guys are in for quite the treat.
Lots of yum-yums for your tum-tums.
Ta-da! All right.
Have a seat.
- Is it just like grab a plate and then Exciting.
- No, you sit down.
- Have a seat.
Great.
This is Sunday, relax.
It's a long lunch, and we have lots of food coming out.
First course is shrimp cocktail.
Enjoy.
- Thanks, Sofia.
Looks great.
- Thanks.
Thank you.
First course? - First course? - What? - Of how many? - Don't know.
Three or four.
Goods not as advertised, Ruxin.
Excuse me, I apologize if I wanted to bask in the reflective glow of my close friends.
We wanna watch the football games.
What are you doing? - Fuck you, Ruxin! Jesus, Andre.
Look, guys, relax.
Look, my wife is in the mood to cook a Sunday lunch.
If I'm not allowed to watch the games, none of you can watch the games.
- That's very sweet, thank you.
- I have put the games on pause.
- All we need to do is respect the pause.
- That doesn't work.
We just need to go on an information lockdown.
- Doesn't work.
I don't trust you.
- This one's a spy.
Me? You don't trust me? - I don't trust him, look at that shirt.
- I don't trust myself in my heart.
I don't trust any of you, but I'm willing to try.
- Don't touch me.
- We need to police each other like in Communist Russia.
- This is gonna be, like, football Gestapo.
- No, that's Germany.
- They both got it done.
- Salad plane, coming through.
You're so funny.
Yes.
All right.
Second part of course one, guys, let's get those greens.
Sofia thought that maybe we should do this buffet-style.
Good idea.
Let's do it.
He had this great idea - How food like this has to be savored.
Yes.
Gotta sit and enjoy it.
- Enjoy each other's company.
- That's what we were doing.
- In the other room, watching football.
- Yeah, right.
Hey, dig in everyone.
All right.
Mmm.
Mm.
Let's do it.
- I'm done.
- Done.
- Done.
- Paella time.
Beep, beep.
Aww! He means, oh, yeah.
- They're watching the games next door.
- What game is on now? - We're missing everything.
- Abide by the pause.
- This is bullshit.
- Abide by the pause.
- This is lovely, thank you very much.
Thank you.
I'm just gonna go to the restroom.
- Thank you very much.
- Oh, I'll show you where it is.
- I know where it is.
- No, we remodeled.
- I think I can find it.
- I insist.
- How far are you gonna take this? - All the way.
- You wanna hold it? - Lf I have to.
And here comes the soup.
- Watch out, it's piping hot.
Awesome.
Can we get one cool for Andre? - He actually has really sensitive teeth.
- Yeah.
- Really? - Absolutely, you do.
- You deserve that.
- Yeah, I do.
Um, I gotta go make a call.
- You're not going anywhere.
- I have to check in with a patient.
Let him go.
Hey, you guys are unbelievable.
But, um there is another league.
What is he saying to his patient? Something like, "Hey, I heard this is an emergency.
It's me, Dr.
Andre.
" "Oh, Dr.
Andre, you know those calf implants you gave me? Well, it's making it hard to get my bedazzled Ed Hardy skinny jeans up over my legs.
" I wanna be with you guys.
I wanna be on the party bus.
But I can't.
Because I already got a party bus.
And those guys are great.
"Oh, you wearing a stupid hat?" "You know I am.
I'm Dr.
Andre.
" Just tell the rest of The Fantasy League of Extraordinary Gentlemen that I'm sorry.
And tell Hammer I'll miss him most of all.
- Hey, you take care of business? - Yeah, it's over.
Thank you so much for coming to our lunch.
Thank you, Taco.
I hope you had a great time.
- Wait, so Are we finished? - Yes.
Thank you very much, it was excellent.
Thank you.
Guys, there's some dessert, guys.
Finally.
Jesus.
Wait, wait.
Hurry up, sit, sit, sit.
Stop.
Go.
Hello, everyone.
I'm Terry Bradshaw from Fox Sports Studio.
This NFL update: Star running back LaDainian Tomlinson of the San Diego Chargers will not start today - What? - as the Chargers host the Miami Dolphins.
I told you.
- You lie.
You lost, I win.
Two weeks in a row.
- Two for two.
- Could happen to anyone.
Hello? Hey, Pete, it's Terry Bradshaw.
- Hello there.
You think I'm gonna let you cheat your friends just so you can win? - Man, I was kind of hoping you would.
- Ain't gonna happen.
- And one other thing, you hear me? - What's that? I hated my Uncle Pete, you dickhead.
- Great.
- Who was that? - That's my new mortal enemy.
- Andre? - Meegan? - The dude deep-dicking Meegan? - Scintillating dinner conversation? - Terry.
It looks like you better sell your house, because only winners live here.
- Slam.
- Andre, that actually doesn't play.
- Try something else.
- I got a slam list.
- Oh, good, good, yeah.
- What? Slam list.
Slam list.
In case you have to battle-rap someone? Okay, this is a good one.
Um You better be careful, my lady because Jack the Ripper's slicing up losers.
Right? I can't even come back from that.
- And that's why I write it down.
Cale, come here.
Cale? Cale's made a doodie.
Some Bud Light Lime for Andre.
- How you doing, baby? Mmm.
- This whole day has been amazing.
- Oh, yeah? - Lunch turned out so delicious.
Mm-hm.
- Oh, I had so much fun.
- Good.
- And we're gonna have fun.
Mm-hm.
- Oh, really? Well, good.
I got the spoons and the cinnamon for the coffee.
All right.
- He's such a good helper.
He is.
Looks like you kids got this under control.
Hey, can you give my girl a foot rub if she needs one? Foot rubs are my specialty.
- Thank you, Ruxin.
- It's the least I could do.
- You have any peppermint oil? - You know I do.
All right, I'll take care of your little footsies.
Oh, he's not getting up.
- Oh, no.
He hurt his ankle.
Frank Gore's Frank Gore's out, man.
Who? Who's got his backup? - Glen Coffee? - Yeah, who's got Glen Coffee? I don't know who's got Glen Coffee.
I would think that it would be - Hey, give me.
- Ow, ow! Don't even.
Refresh! - Refresh.
- Refresh.
Oh! Ladies and gentlemen, the newest member of the Double Ent-Andres Mr.
Glen Coffee.
- That was too fast.
- No, host gets first dibs.
- What are you talking about? - I'm telling you, since the days of Lombardi.
I got him fair and square.
You know what I just realized? You were out on the phone earlier.
My guess is you got a little tip that Frank Gore had gotten injured.
You did not respect the pause.
- I don't respect the pause? - You did not.
- Do you know what I was doing? - What? I was breaking up with my other league.
Oh, God Oh, boy.
- Excuse me, they knew? Sorry.
- Yes, relax.
Are you joking me? Have you guys been working in collusion? You're all against me.
That's why I've never won.
Give us a ruling.
Who gets Glen Coffee? No way the commissioner can give a fair ruling.
Look, Ruxin, I am perfectly capable of giving an impartial ruling, all right? Even though you stole my son's name No way.
and you know you did do it Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Guys, situation developing.
Picture-in-picture.
Ellie is bringing a special gift to baby Ruxin.
And if memory serves, I believe that's a turd.
What is she doing? No.
She's going, she's on the 15.
- Don't do it.
She's on the 10.
She's on the five, she's reaching.
- Touchdown! What did she do? Six points for Ellie.
What is your filthy daughter doing? All the Purell in the world not gonna fix that.
- It's just a phase she's going through.
- A phase? - Fun with feces.
- Fun with feces.
You know who has fun with feces? Psychopaths.
- You saying my daughter's a psychopath? - She should be sent abroad.
Maybe she could go to Mexico and have a fecal fiesta.
Or perhaps Brazil for a caca carnival.
What the hell is going on? Did I hear something about a carnival? Out.
Get out.
- Next weekend, same time, same place? - You host a magnificent party, Sofia.
It's not my fault.
It's your fault.
- Over the name Cale? - Yeah, it's lost some of its luster.
You're right.
This league is a lot more fun.
Isn't it, though?