The Legend of Vox Machina (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

1 [children laughing.]
[Julius.]
It was so funny, Father.
[laughs.]
[man.]
And Percy, too.
[laughs.]
[laughing.]
- [woman laughs.]
- [panting.]
- [dogs barking.]
- [Percy.]
Hurry, Cass! - [woman.]
That man - [whimpers.]
[man.]
Reality knocking at your door.
[panting.]
- [grunts.]
- [Johanna screams.]
[man cackles.]
[horse neighs.]
[panting.]
[grunts.]
[gasps.]
[breathing shakily.]
[sighs.]
Bad dream? Is there any other kind? - [birds chirping.]
- [rooster crows.]
[sighs.]
Good morning, everybody.
[all grumbling.]
- [Vex.]
Why? - Why is she yelling? - Oh, good morning, Vax.
- [muffled.]
Morning.
[gasps, wails.]
Seven to two.
[strained.]
I never agreed to this stupid game.
[sighs.]
Must you? We can't all be aloof tight-asses, de Rolo.
I'm simply suggesting you could all benefit from some well-practiced restraint.
- [moans.]
- Emotions aren't meant to be bottled up.
Maybe you should cut loose once in a while.
[pounding on door.]
Hello? Uh, Vox Machina? Uh, are you here? - [Keyleth.]
It's stuck.
- [door thumping.]
[Scanlan.]
Ugh, fucking doors.
[Vex.]
These old hinges are rusted.
[Pike.]
Grog, give it a little shove? [Grog.]
Yep, one sec.
[chuckles.]
Lady Allura, welcome.
Hope you didn't feel the need to bring a housewarming present.
I didn't.
Alas, I'm only here to remind you that Sovereign Uriel expects you at his dinner.
- Oh, shit.
That's tonight? - Finally.
A proper evening of protocol and civilized conversation.
[Allura.]
It's more than a party.
Dignitaries from across the realm are here to form a new security pact.
We must put our best foot forward.
- Right.
W-Which foot is that? - [plate shatters.]
Hey, Pike, want to be my date? I promise to be on my best-worst behavior.
Oh, I-I'm okay.
Lady Allura, we appreciate the gravity of the situation and will present ourselves with the utmost dignity.
[grunts, coughs.]
Yeah.
[strained.]
Good one.
Seven to five.
Five? He was just at two.
Oh, yeah, that was a three-pointer.
You see, the rules of ball-tag are as complex as they are beautiful.
I-I shall brief them on royal etiquette and manners.
You have my word, nothing will go wrong.
[cries.]
My balls.
Hurts so much.
Remember what we practiced.
Be reserved, be charming.
Protocol.
[grunts.]
[sighs.]
Just follow my lead.
Sorry.
If you brought weapons, they must be checked.
[grumbles.]
- [laughter.]
- [indistinct chatter.]
[sergeant-at-arms.]
From Kraghammer, Gradim Greyspine.
From Emon, Vox Machina? [sighs.]
Is that all you got? Allow me.
[clears throat.]
Vox Machina, champions of justice, hunters of dragons, - destroyers of chastity.
- [people gasping.]
Right, let's stick together.
Follow my lead for formal greetings, and Or, you know, do whatever.
[scoffs.]
How's anyone supposed to get drunk from these things? Uh, I'm pretty sure they're just fancy shots, Grog.
Two for you, and three for me.
- Ooh.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
[gulping.]
- [glass shatters.]
- [both exhale.]
What are you looking at? Doofus.
[Scanlan.]
What-what? You want to get freaky with me? Sir, I don't even know you.
You are a libertine and a cad, and I like it.
Reginald, what in the world? I just asked where the privy was.
[laughter.]
This is fantastic.
Diplomats are here from all over Tal'Dorei.
Fort Daxio, Kymal, Westruun.
- Even - [sergeant-at-arms.]
From Whitestone, Lord Sylas and Lady Delilah Briarwood.
- [woman screams.]
- [hyperventilating.]
- [metal scraping.]
- [grunting.]
- [man cackles.]
- [woman screams.]
Percy, what's wrong? It's it's them.
Whitestone was my home.
Until those fiends took everything from me.
What do you want us to do? Should we say something? To Uriel? We can't.
[grunting.]
Looks like they're staying overnight.
Why don't I make myself scarce and slip into their chambers? See if I can figure out what they're up to.
Yeah, sounds like a plan.
But in case of trouble, we should have a safe word.
- Grog, suggestions? - Right.
The safe word is "chenga.
" Okay.
My safe word's "mommy.
" [laughter.]
And somehow you guys look worse every time we see you.
Where's Vax? Oh, uh, he has the squirts.
I see.
Delightful.
Well, if you'll follow me.
Seats for the sovereign's dragon slayers.
[laughs.]
[growls softly.]
Ooh, shit's about to get real.
[silverware clinking.]
- [knocking on wood.]
- [sergeant-at-arms.]
Attention please be given to our Sovereign Uriel Tal'Dorei III and Empress Salda Tal'Dorei.
- [clears throat.]
- Hmm? [gasps softly.]
- Uh Huh? - Oh.
Nothing like a dragon attack to bring us all together, eh? - [soft laughter.]
- Thank you, everyone, for making the journey in.
Please, allow me to introduce our dining party.
We have Arbiter Duala Juun, Master of Law.
- [applause.]
- To her left, Seeker Assum [whispers.]
Percy? Percy.
P-Percy.
[whispers.]
He's just staring like a perv.
He said the Briarwoods took everything.
What does that mean? We cannot be caught unprepared again.
- [all.]
Hear, hear.
- [man.]
Agreed, Sovereign.
Percy, talk to us.
Percy.
[scattered gasps.]
[chuckles.]
- I'm fine.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
Percy, I say you just walk over to the Briarwoods, say hello to break the ice, then punch them in the face.
- See what happens.
- Grog, no.
Eh, I don't hate Grog's idea.
Uh, we have to wait.
Give Vax a chance to gather some intel.
Hmm? Hmm.
- What the bloody hell? - Fucking snake! Come on.
[Uriel.]
I must confess, I was rather curious whether you would come.
Our messenger did not return.
In fact, I've heard dark rumors about Whitestone.
They say no one travels in or out of your lands.
Lies spread by drunks and knaves.
If no one left Whitestone, would we be sitting before you, Sovereign? [Uriel.]
Perhaps.
Or perhaps I might be forced to send a garrison of troops to check on your city.
[Sylas.]
You won't need to do that.
You are right.
There's no need.
In fact, Whitestone needs to be protected.
Yes.
Whitestone's independence is not to be challenged.
- Ooh.
Nice catch.
- [laughter.]
Have we met before? [gulps.]
Uh We haven't met.
I'm Vex'ahlia.
I'm so sorry, what was your name again? Delilah.
What an absolute pleasure to meet the Protectors of the Realm.
- My husband Sylas.
- Charmed.
[Scanlan.]
Uh, those are beautiful beads.
I have a set just like it, you know.
- Beads? I've never once seen you - Eh? Ew.
[hissing.]
- [laughter.]
- [indistinct chatter.]
Interestingly enough, we're not originally from Whitestone.
Of course you're not.
Tell me, have you heard how we became caretakers of Whitestone? The official story is that city was administered by the de Rolo family until they succumbed to a rare disease.
But I'm afraid the truth is, we concocted that tale to protect their legacy.
The sad reality is that the de Rolos abdicated.
They grew bored of ruling, and after their children raided the treasury, they abandoned their people to rot.
- Liars! - [gasping.]
[murmuring.]
Ugh.
Thank you, Sovereign Uriel, but I think we will retire for the night.
It was a lovely dinner.
We especially enjoyed the company.
So refined.
Excuse us for a moment.
[chairs scraping on floor.]
Percival, darling, what did we say about emotions? You don't understand.
Then help us understand.
[sighs.]
The Briarwoods they murdered my entire family.
We got what we came for.
Uriel was more pliant than even I anticipated.
The Whispered One? But finding the boy was unexpected.
Our circumstances have changed.
[whooshing.]
- [explosive pop.]
- [gasps.]
Oh, uh, beg your pardon.
Just turning down your bed.
Forgot those little pillow mints.
Um Oh, gosh, you're a handsome couple.
Lost my train of thought.
Be right back.
[gasps.]
Percy, why didn't you tell us? I've tried to tell many over the years.
No one's ever believed me.
[gasps.]
Wait.
Vax is up there.
What if he needs help? Plus, he's got the squirts! Okay, I'll distract, you go quietly.
- [clears throat.]
- [murmuring, gasping.]
Ladies and lords, allow Scanlan Shorthalt to delight you with an after-dinner song I like to call "Pull My Beads of Love.
" A-two, three, four! Give me a tug! Ha Now, I don't really know what you're thinkin' - Ugh.
- When you're lookin' at a gnome like me Ow! But I can show you somethin' special, whoa! [trembling breaths.]
You are a curious one.
And you look delicious.
[groans.]
[groaning weakly.]
[Sylas.]
Come now.
Let's get this over with.
[grunts.]
[groaning.]
[weakly.]
Chenga Vax.
We have to move.
We lost the ticket? Screw it.
Grog! [Grog.]
Come here, fuckstick! - [guard grunts.]
- [crashing.]
[all panting.]
[grunting.]
[grunting.]
[groans.]
There's no way out tonight, my friend.
- [bird screeches.]
- Hmm? [screeching.]
- Whoa! - Sylas! Delilah! - [gun clicks.]
- [groans.]
Would you look at that, dear? It's the pup who survived, all grown up.
Step off, bitch.
[whooshing.]
[yells.]
[grunting.]
No one kills Vax but me! [Pike.]
I've got you, Vax.
Come on, come on, come on, please.
[whirring.]
[grunts.]
Thanks, Pickle.
Had him right where I wanted him.
[Delilah.]
I think not.
[Keyleth.]
Ah, crap! - [laughs.]
- [yells.]
These are Emon's "Protectors of the Realm"? [grunts.]
Oh, shit.
That ain't good.
[laughs.]
My blade thirsts.
You got a sword.
Oh, that's cute.
[blade rings.]
You were saying? So, we're not doing terrible, right? No, this is terrible.
Pull on my motherfuckin' beads Of love, of love Pull on my motherfuckin' beads Of love, of love Ow! [yelling and grunting.]
[blade rings.]
[Grog groaning.]
[Pike.]
Oh, no.
Hold on, Grog! Ah.
Oh, you the best, Pike.
[grunting.]
Ooh, I bet that hurt.
This little one is entirely too much trouble.
- [yells.]
- [whooshing.]
[screams.]
Ball tag time! [groaning and panting.]
Your gods can't help you now.
- [Pike gasps.]
- Oh, no, no, no! Pike! [yells.]
[man.]
What's going on? Go get the captain! - [man 2.]
There they are.
In the courtyard! - [man 3.]
Over there! Desmond! [horse neighing.]
Lady Briarwood, I did as you ordered.
Your belongings are here [yelps, grunts.]
I'll drive, thank you.
Stop them! Come visit us sometime, Percival.
You're always welcome back home.
[clicking.]
[Percy.]
No! I had them.
Had them! And you let them slip away.
[all gasp softly.]
[Keyleth.]
I-I didn't Everlight.
[gasps.]
No.
No, please.
[Desmond groans softly.]
[Percy.]
You.
[grunts.]
[Desmond gasping.]
Start talking.
Why were the Briarwoods here? What were they after? Uh, they were invited like you.
By Sovereign Uriel.
Sylas and Delilah have never left the confines of Whitestone before.
Why here? Why now? [eerie hissing.]
Answer me now.
What the actual fuck? Holy shit, Percy.
What are you doing? [Desmond.]
Please.
I'm-I'm only a servant.
They-they don't tell me anything.
Please don't hurt me.
Please don't hurt me! [groaning.]
Percy, stop.
[whimpering.]
[gasping.]
You fool.
Now your soul is forfeit.
[gasping.]
[Uriel.]
Halt right there! What is the meaning of this? Guards, arrest Vox Machina.
[guard.]
Quickly! Go, go! Nobody move! Hands where we can see 'em.
[Scanlan whoops and laughs.]
They loved me in there.
Oh, I was on fire.
Huh? Fuck.
[Scanlan.]
Ow! Well, I know that you're thinkin' about me Ow! Because your curiosity has been piqued I may be 42 inches of sexy But I'm 69 feet of freak I'm not gonna tell you to stop I'm feeling good going in, going out You want to hear something pop Well, give me a tug And good God, I'll shout Pull on my motherfuckin' beads Of love, of love Pull on my motherfuckin' beads Of love, of love Pull on my motherfuckin' beads Of love, of love [whoops.]
Good night, Emon.