The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s01e03 Episode Script

Oh, Amy, this is gonna be fun.
- I think so.
- A nice quiet night together.
- Yeah, it's gonna be good.
- Movie night.
- Uh, sir? - Yeah? Um, you have some late charges here on the movie "Whores on the Loose.
" - What? - No no.
No no no.
- Stop right there.
- Tim! - I did not rent that.
- You sure did.
You've had it out for 56 days.
- Tim! - That's crazy.
- I can't even afford that.
- I can't believe this.
No, what's the plot? What happens? Okay, a bunch of whores go into a dance club and whore it up all night long.
That's the plot? That's not even a good storyline.
- I'm leaving.
- You're leaving? - Yeah, forget it.
- It's movie night.
Tim, have fun with the whores.
It's movie night.
Ooh.
Actually, sir, you were right.
It was "The Notebook" that was late.
- Not "Whores on the Loose.
" - Nope.
"The Notebook.
" My bad.
- Oh, Stu? - Yeah? - I got problems.
- Really? I need to impress Amy somehow.
- Okay.
- She thinks I'm a screw-up.
That's a fair assessment.
- What's that? - Don't listen to me.
Ask for a promotion.
- A promotion? - Yeah.
- You think he'll give it to me? - Yeah.
Just storm in there and lay down the law.
- Storm in? - Mm-hmm.
I don't storm in anywhere.
- Okay, I have a solution.
- Yeah? Walk in there nervously and lay down the law in a stuttering, insecure manner.
I can handle that.
That's more my speed.
So I hate to just storm in here and lay down the law like this - Mm-hmm? but there's no two ways about it.
I'm I'm due for a promotion and I'm here to claim it.
I'm sorry.
How did you get in here? - How did I get in? - Who on earth are you? - I'm Tim.
- Tim.
- Timothy.
- Yeah.
Terrible name.
Very weak weak.
It implies a weak will.
Have you considered changing it? How does "Keith" strike you? - Keith? - I have a daschund named Keith.
- What? - It would make things very easy for me if your name was also Keith.
I don't want to change my name to Keith.
That's my license I've gotta change All right, all right, but listen, I'm gonna give you this promotion.
That's amazing.
I got the promotion.
Done.
I just need you to do me one small little favor.
- Anything.
- Tomorrow night, you will accompany my daughter to her senior prom.
- Prom? - Golden years.
That sounds like fun, but I can't go to a prom.
- Some punk canceled on her - No.
and she's been bawling and weeping in the bathroom ever since.
I'm sorry to hear that, but my girlfriend she doesn't like me doing things with teenage girls - in general - Really? dancing with them or - Listen, just go to the prom, you get your promotion.
That's the way the business world works.
- Come on, Keith! - All right, if that's the way - the business world works.
- Good boy.
Tim, why are you all dressed up? - I got great news.
- Tell me.
My boss invited me to a black-tie function.
Yeah, right.
I am going to a black-tie function at work.
- You're lying.
- I'm lying? No.
I'm up for a promotion.
And after they asked me, they said, "Why don't you come to this black-tie function tonight?" Why do you keep saying "black-tie function"? - That's what it is.
- What does that even mean? I can't get into the details of corporate events - Why? with loved ones at home.
- What is it, a dinner? - It's a black-tie function.
Okay, well, whatever it is, congratulations.
- Thank you.
- But why are you carrying a corsage? You don't do that at business dinners? - No - You don't pin a corsage on your boss? - No, you don't.
- I'm gonna bring it just in case.
Ah, finally a meeting of the two Keiths.
No, I'm Tim, remember? - I thought - Remember, I didn't switch it.
- I thought you did.
- I'm still Tim.
Hmm.
So anyway, you horny son of a bitch, the ground rule for tonight is this it's simple: Don't touch my daughter.
- That's it.
- Don't hug her, don't shake her hand, don't dance any closer than three feet away, you understand? Those are all subsets of the same rule? Don't touch my daughter.
- Hi, I'm Crystal.
- Oh, hey.
- You must be Tim.
- I am.
- I got you this.
- Oh, a corsage.
- That's so sweet.
- If you'll allow me Okay.
- Ow, that's my boob.
- Whoops whoops, no touching.
Ouch.
That's my boob again.
- No touching.
Hold on.
- Timothy Let me get around back.
Let me do it from back here.
That is not my boob.
That's my ass.
What is it? No, I'm just trying to gain my footing.
- Timothy! - One second.
- Forget the corsage.
- All right, no touching.
Keith? Oh, Tim, have you ever seen "Girls Gone Wild"? - Uh, no.
- I'm in four of them! - Really? - Yeah.
I'm in "Girls Gone Wild: High School," "Girls Gone Wild: Spring Break," "Girls Gone Wild on the D-Train," and "Girls Gone Wild in Front of the Post Office.
" - That one just came out.
- Really? You should look for it around Christmas.
I will.
Your dad knows about this? Oh yeah, he totally supports it.
No! Duh! So, Tim, I know that you like work with my dad and all, but I just think you're totally hot.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Nice.
- I mean, that cute little way you stutter and everything - Really? it, like, totally makes me horny.
Stuttering makes you horny? - It just does.
- Wow, that's that's easy.
Um, listen, you're you're a great girl, and I'm I'm glad I'm making you horny, I really am, but nothing can happen tonight, you know? I promised your dad I'd watch after you.
And I have a girlfriend, who I've gotta say I think she's the one.
Oh my God, we are totally dancing! Hold on a second.
I gotta take this.
- Amy, is that you? - Hi! Hey, Tim, I just want to see how it's going.
- It's going good.
- Oh good.
Pretty straightforward black-tie corporate function.
Well, that music's kind of loud, isn't it? It's the corporate theme.
- Oh.
- They're just getting ready - to do a PowerPoint presentation.
- Ah, okay.
Let's slam some tequila, brother! Whoo-hoo, yeah! South of the border! - Whoa, what was that? - That's the CEO.
Whip out your sombrero! Let's tie one on, chief! Who's he is he talking to you? He was pretty pleased with the quarterly results.
Ah.
Okay, well have fun.
Okay, come on, Tim, get into it.
I'm not allowed to touch you.
- I have to stay three feet away.
- Come on! Just spank my butt rap-video style.
Your dad is not into rap-video style.
Don't be such a lame date.
Spank me! I guess I have no choice.
Ouch! What? What happened? - Hey! Hey, you! - Me? - Old guy, yeah! - Me? - You spanked that girl! - Yeah, that was an agreement we had.
- She requested it.
- I didn't mean a real spank, you loser! I meant a fun, you know ooh ooh dance-floor spank! I don't even know what that means.
Not cool, Jumpstreet.
What are you, some kind of rat? Hold that fucker down, man.
I'll get the principal.
All right, you, Timbo, phone number now.
- I'm calling your parents.
- No no.
- What do you mean no? - My parents live in Italy.
Italy? Shut up.
This is a prom.
It's not an orgy, son.
I'm aware that I'm not at an orgy.
- Zip it.
- That much I know.
Crystal, how are you doing? - He got me pretty good.
- Of course he got you good.
Look at the mitts on this creep.
So, yeah, Tim's finally getting promoted.
- Isn't that great? - Oh, that's wonderful news, sweetheart.
- Good for him.
- Yeah, I'm really proud of him.
Oh, you should have seen it.
He looked so cute in his tuxedo when he left.
Hold on, Mom.
Let me grab this other call.
Hi, this is Principal McCreevy You've got to come down to the prom and pick up your son.
- My son? - Your son.
I think you have the wrong number.
You think your son Timothy, he's here at the prom.
Caught him spanking a young girl her ass looks like a tomato.
- Oh, that son Timothy.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, why don't you send him home? False alarm, Mom.
No promotion for Tim.
I figured as much.
- Okay, let me get this straight.
- Yeah? Instead of attending the business dinner you told me you were going to, you went to a high-school prom? No, I told you I was going to a black-tie function.
I delivered on that promise.
Tim, you went to a prom with an 18-year-old girl and you spanked her so hard she can hardly walk.
The spank got away from me.
- And you got sent home! - Yeah.
They send you home once you spank someone.
I've learned that lesson.
Listen, Amy, - I did it for you.
- For me.
- All of this.
- Thank you, Tim.
- I really appreciate it.
- Don't mention it.
I wanted the promotion.
I was gonna spank my way to the top.
That's all I'm trying to do here.
You know, I don't ever want to talk about this again.
I like that plan.
I like that a lot.
- What a day.
- Mm-hmm.
- Any big plans tonight? - Nothing.
- How about you? - Yeah, I'm actually having dinner - with Amy and her friends.
- Well, let's see, I've got my MetroCard.
I've got no seats available that's typical.
Man, I feel bad for that old guy.
Why don't you give him your seat? You know, I might just do that.
- Excuse me, sir? - Hello.
I couldn't help but notice you looking for a seat, and I'd like to offer you mine.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? What does it mean? Are you not understanding me? I was offering you my seat.
You can sit, sir.
Do you think I'm some kind of feeble old man? - Oh, no.
- Is that what's spinning in your skull right now? Oh no, I was just being nice.
I swim 10 laps every day.
I can do push-ups with my John Thomas.
- Did you know that? - What's a John Thomas? - I think it's a penis.
- No, that's not possible.
No, it's very possible.
I've seen it on YouTube.
- No, that's too much weight.
- You've got some nerve, you condescending son of a bitch! I didn't mean to offend you.
I'm sorry.
- Well, too late, pal.
- Too late.
Yeah, sit down, you dick! What? What's going on here? I was being nice.
Just leave the guy alone, dude.
This is not the reaction I was expecting.
- It offends the hell out of me.
- Why don't we just drop it? The only thing I want to drop is you.
- You want to drop me.
- I want to fight you.
- You want to fight me.
- I want to fight you.
- Come on, mano y mano, dude! - I'm not fighting anybody.
Everyone, relax.
What was that? You just got bitch-slapped.
I'm not fighting you.
You can slap me all day, I'm not gonna fight an elderly stop.
How does this happen? Stop.
Ouchie! You know what? Now we're fighting.
- Good.
- All right.
You pick the place.
Hell, I'll pick it for you.
Gleason's Gym in Brooklyn, you chickenshit.
Ah okay.
He's not stopping.
Stop.
Stop slapping.
So I spent the summer in Slovakia helping to build a school in a town where no real education system existed before.
- Wow.
- The look on those kids' faces, it's just hard to put into words.
That's amazing.
Oh, honey, tell them what you're doing with the animals.
- Oh, um - You wanna order something? Well, now that you've asked, I work with an animal shelter for ferrets and gerbils.
I drive them up to Westchester each weekend and I'll let them run free.
You know, the looks on their little faces when I turn them loose, they're now I'm doing it - they're just so happy.
- That's incredible.
I mean, I don't know how you find the time for all of this.
Well, Amy, you know, you just make the time.
- That's right, sweetie.
- You just make the time.
Well, enough about me.
Tim, do you do any charity work? Not a lot.
I'm just too busy.
Well, why don't you join me Friday night? Come to the animal shelter.
- I, uh - We'll bake treats for the gerbils.
- No, Friday's bad for me.
- Aw, why? Yeah, what are you so busy with on Friday? I'm boxing an old man.
Oh, that was a fun dinner.
You're boxing an old man.
- Uh - What is wrong with you, Tim? - That's a good question.
- You and George are the same age, and he's out there making a difference in the world.
Hey, at least I'm out there fighting.
It's not like I'm sitting at home on the couch.
That was so embarrassing.
George does all these things.
- No.
- He gives so much.
- You don't do anything.
- He gives too much.
When you're flying to Slovakia, I think you've got a problem.
I just think you have some serious soul-searching to do.
All right, I'll go down and I'll cancel the fight and soul-searching soul-searching might have to wait till the weekend.
Hey, Stu, thanks for coming down, but I decided to forfeit the fight.
What possible reason do you have to not want to fight an old man in a weird old gym with old men all over the place? I get it.
I guess I understand.
Yeah, Amy's mad at me.
She wants me to start doing more charity work.
- Excuse me.
- Yes? - I'm Henry's daughter.
- Oh.
- Are you the young man from the bus? - I am.
Listen, there's no way I'm fighting your father.
I just came to forfeit and apologize to him - in case I hurt his feelings.
- Oh.
I just want this to go away.
Please, please don't do that.
- Please don't forfeit? - It makes him feel young again.
Won't you fight him, please? I can't fight an elderly Look, just take a dive and let him win.
- Take a dive.
- Yeah.
This'll be his last hurrah.
You can look at it as charity work.
It is like charity work, I guess.
- Right? - Yeah, it's a lot like charity work, but instead of building a bridge in a needy village, you're gonna break the bridge of an old man's nose.
- You look fantastic, champ.
- The glory days.
- You're gonna take him, I can feel it.
- Back to the glory days.
Just remember we'll be with you every swing.
I gotta say this actually feels nice.
- Mm-hmm.
- I can see why people volunteer.
Let's make it real fun for him.
If he used to be a boxer, then he probably loves to trash talk.
- I'm not gonna trash talk.
- Come on, Timbo.
Step it up.
This guy's having the time of his life and yelling vulgar obscenities is the only way to top it.
What would I say? "I'm gonna knock you out real good"? Wow, you're like Hemmingway.
You've got to really lay into him - if you want to make it seem realistic.
- Okay.
You say to him, "Hey, old man, I'm gonna knock you out.
And when I'm done with this, I'm gonna go home and hump your wife from behind - like a rabid dog.
" - You think stuff like that - would help him enjoy it? - I think he'll have a great time when he hears that kind of stuff.
Okay, gentlemen, I want a good clean fight.
- Understood? - Understood.
Oh, I'll keep it clean by mopping the floor with this old man's ass.
- How's that sound? - Excuse me? Let's get it on! I am here to kill an old man.
- Good.
- That is my goal for the evening.
Tell him you want to cut off his skin and wear it as a coat.
I'm gonna cut off your skin and wear it as a coat.
What an awful thing to say.
Oh, I'm gonna pound your face until you shit your pants.
- Good.
- Who knows? I might just go hump your wife afterwards back at the condo - What? after I knock the shit out of you.
So you're gonna pound me until there's shit all over the floor - Exactly.
then go violate my wife? I will be humping your wife within the hour.
- Oh my God! - I'm gonna go into your cabinet and switch your medications with my fist.
Don't you dare touch my medication.
- I'm gonna switch 'em.
- Don't you dare! - I'm gonna switch 'em.
- You're out of your mind! - I can't breathe.
- You ever feel a fist down your throat? I can't breathe - What happened? - Down goes the old man! You sick bastard! What? - Get out of the ring! - One, two, three I never hit him.
eight, nine - It's only charity if I lose.
10! We have a winner, - and his name is Tim! - No no.
- Don't hold my hand up.
- Tim! - Tim! - Please stop doing that.
You monster! Good news, gentlemen.
- Yeah? - He is eating solid foods - and he knows exactly where he is.
- Nice.
Now could you help me out and tell me what happened here? - What happened? - Mm-hmm.
Um, we were at a charity event - Okay.
and there was a mishap, - a minor mishap.
- Charity mishap.
- That's kind of broad.
- What sort of mishap Let me just clarify.
Tim got in a fight with an old man, - and threatened to hump his wife.
- No.
And then he also said he was gonna beat him until he lost control of his bowels and crapped on himself.
- I see.
- Just put down "charity event mishap.
" That sums it up, no? Could you wait here for one minute? I have some paperwork for you to fill out.
Amy is so gonna find out about this.
- How would she find out? - She always finds out.
- Hey, Tim? - See? - Hey! - Hey, George.
- Hi! - Why are you possibly here? Well, I finished up early with the gerbils, so I thought I'd come down and help out with some retarded kids.
- You don't say.
- I help mentally-challenged children set up their own MySpace pages.
Incredibly thoughtful.
You should see the looks on their faces when they log in.
I can only imagine how rewarding it is.
- What are you doing here? - Uh, same thing actually.
- Charity work.
- Charity work.
Your words inspired me to get involved.
- Oh really? - Yeah yeah.
Elderly.
- Aw, that's terrific.
- Yeah, giving back.
Okay, son, if you could just fill this form out for us? Explain exactly how and why you were fighting an elderly man.
It'll just save some time for us when the police get here.
So before you say anything, I just want to thank you and your friend George for getting me into the world of charity.
Tim, what happened to forfeiting the fight? What are you talking about? We never fought.
He had the heart attack before any before I landed any punches.
Tim, I just read the police report.
- Yeah? - "Hey, old man, you're gonna shit your pants after I open this can of whupass on you.
" - No.
- What is that? - I don't know.
I didn't say that.
- It's in the report, Tim.
- Who talks like that? - Saying you were gonna fuck his wife? That's awful, hearing it back out of context.
- What kind of charity is that? - It's not a great one.
It's not exactly Meals on Wheels.