The Lovers (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Seamus?
Frankie?
Erm
Seamus? Who is she?
Frankie-I'm his cousin.
Your cousin?
/ Yeah.
Seamus had a wee fall
and I was helping him.
Really?
/ Yeah.
Right.
Such a klutz.
Oh, OK.
Thank God, 'cause for a
minute there I thought-
Oh, no, my God! That, that, that's
ridiculous, it was just a fall!
Oh, my God! Your
cousin? Yes, his cousin.
Anyway, surprise!
So I'm only here for the night
but I rented us a cottage
in the countryside.
Wow!
/ Amazing!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck
Fuck!
OK!
Fuck, fuck, fuck-Sorry!
Hello, here now. Sorry.
Hi. Guess what?
What?
Janet's coming with us.
No. Like I keep on saying,
it's very kind of you
but I I really
don't want to impose.
No, we do have to talk more about Seamus' family.
/ Oh, that can wait.
But we have so many questions. It's not a good time.
/ Seamus, tell her she has to come with us.
Well, er Yeah, I can't.
Just come with us! I
really can't-No, no.
Say yes, it'll be fun-I really can't.
/ To have an adventure.
Look, it'll be
too Well, yeah
You're Seamus' family. You must!
You must just for one night.
I would love to-You have to!
It's a very firm no.
And there she was,
right by the Cafe Nero.
Wow, that's amazing.
So how did you two work
out you were related?
Er
Well, it was, erm
It was you who first worked
it out, wasn't it, Janet?
Was it me, aye?
/ Yeah.
So how did you
work it out, Janet?
Well, I thought he
looked familiar. Yeah.
Because you'd seen
him on the telly? No.
Because he looked like
my uncle. Oh, right.
Yeah. I mean, exactly like
my uncle. Exactly like him.
So I said to him, "Are
you any relation to"
Anyway, we talked about your
father, whose name was-Your father?
Yeah, and as I said at the time, I
never actually knew my father, so
It's tragic. Yes,
that's right.
So what do you know about Seamus' dad? Because we've been looking for him for years.
/ He's dead.
Oh
Oh, darling
I don't really know anything about him.
He's dead that's all I know. He's dead.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, dear
Jesus fucking
Christ! I'm sorry.
Why did you have to tell
her that you knew my father?
Well, I had to
tell her something.
How was I supposed to know you had
such a complicated family history?
Why didn't you stop her from dragging me here?
/ I'm sorry, OK?
I was frozen in terror.
I can't handle this. It's
too fucking stressful!
Right, she's coming. Just be
cool, be cool. OK, be cool.
Right
Janet, I was thinking, do you think
we could speak to some of your family
about any memories they
might have of Seamus' father?
Oh, baby, do we have to
keep talking about this?
Darling, are you alright?
You're talking funny.
I just, erm
I think I'm actually really nervous about this
interview with the Foreign Secretary tomorrow.
Don't worry about that 'cause
I've done some studying
on Nisha Anand and got quite
a clear strategy for you.
Oh, yeah, what is it?
I mean, we don't want to bore Janet
with this inside baseball bullshit.
Oh, Janet doesn't
mind. Do you, Janet?
No. Oh, you're
very sweet, Janet.
Basically, you have to push on the
Free Trade Agreement with China.
It's about leadership style,
she has low ideology of her own.
I mean, if you think about
it, she's changed her mind.
I mean, she's done a complete U-turn.
/ Exactly.
She's alienated herself.
/ Exactly, she's alienated herself.
BLONDIE: Heart of Glass
Seemed like the real
thing, only to find
Mucho mistrust,
love's gone behind ♪
It's only half an hour
away from the city
and it's like you're
in a different world.
Lovely. Yeah
Lovely.
Look how lovely and
dinky it is? OK
Ahh
It's perfect. I feel like
we've travelled back in time.
Sweet. It's a kind of quaint
idyll. Oh, God, Seamus!
Just a sec.
A cow, I think I can see a cow.
There's a higher
power at work here.
This was meant to be.
This is the universe pulling you
back to Ireland to meet Janet.
Oh, before I forget. We have
to put a photo up on Instagram.
Oh, really? Do we
have to do that now?
I promised the owner we would. Can't
we just do it and get it over with
and then we can enjoy the rest of our night?
/ Yeah.
My God, I'm so embarrassed doing this
poseur bollocks in front of other people.
I'm really sorry that you
had to witness this, Janet.
Nah, it's fine. Do you
want me to take it?
Would you mind? It would make
it all much quicker. OK, fab.
Right. OK.
OK
OK, darling, so just
tilt your chin. Yeah.
Then just turn it now. Uh-hm.
Ready?
/ Yeah.
OK, there you go. Yes, all done.
OK. Fab!
Right, well, I I'm pooped.
I think we should go to bed. / Yeah.
Oh, don't be such a bore.
It's a beautiful night.
Let's go out into the garden
and get to know each other.
I'm going to take the blankets,
darling, see you at the firepit.
Gorgeous out here,
isn't it? Hmm.
So tell me everything, Janet.
What do you do for a living?
I work in a supermarket. Oh,
that's great and are you married?
Er, no. My, my husband's
He's dead.
Oh, my God, I'm so
sorry. How did he die?
Well, uh
Janet, I don't think-
Have you guys ever
done wife-swapping?
No.
Well, Jimmy and me, we went to this swingers party.
/ Yeah?
And there was a big woman there who
was like a dominatrix, you know?
And she took a real
shine to Jimmy.
So he went off with her and I went
off with her husband who was nice.
Yeah.
But I felt, like, uncomfortable
So I went to look for Jimmy. / Right.
And, erm Oh!
/ Oh, God.
Do you know what pegging is?
Yes! When you strap on a
dildo and penetrate the man.
When a woman fucks a man
with a-Exactly, Frankie.
Yes, OK, so she was
pegging your husband? OK.
He had this big smile on his
face. He looked so happy.
But he wasn't breathing.
It was like he was frozen in
some sort of sexual ecstasy.
And then I realised what had happened.
/ Oh?
She'd fucked him to death.
You're a fucking monster.
I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.
You're a monster. That is hilarious.
I actually almost believed you.
Frankie! I had you, come on now!
You got me. You know, I do love that kind
of comedy. Seamus hates anything like that.
But I think it's so
important to ease tension.
You are obviously masking some
genuine pain with that story though.
So what did happen with
you and your husband?
He left me for another woman.
Right, you see? But you can laugh about it.
Like Seamus' mum with the aborted abortion.
The what?
/ Oh, you don't know the abortion story?
She My family don't
really talk about the past.
OK, so you know that
Seamus' dad Yeah, yeah.
Was a Catholic and his
mum was a Protestant.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah,
of course. So, go on.
Well when my mum was pregnant
with me she was sent to London
to have an abortion.
Obviously, didn't
go through with it.
Erm, she took
everything she had,
rented a bedsit in Walthamstow
and raised me there alone.
She had such a hard life but
she was able to laugh about it.
You remind me of Seamus' mum.
You have that same darkness.
I love it.
It's so powerful that ability
to, you know, to go there.
And over.
There we go. That's going to be lovely.
/ Safe and neat.
Sweet dreams,
darling, nighty night.
Ohhh
See you tomorrow,
cuz.
So here's a nightgown and
a spare toothbrush for you.
She's always prepared.
/ Girl Scout. True.
12 years while you were
dancing around pools.
Well, you know,
re-tuning my G string.
Argh, I forgot my pyjamas.
Oh, sleep naked.
I'm sorry, I can't.
I can't, I'm sorry.
I just keep thinking
about my father.
Oh Yeah, I'm sorry.
Would it be really
selfish if I What?
I'm just really horny. OK.
Do you mind if I?
No, not at all.
Toxic
Baby, can't you
see I'm calling ♪
Should wear a warning
It's dangerous ♪
There's no escape
I can't wait ♪
Baby, give me it
You're dangerous ♪
Too high Can't come down
Losing my head Spinning
'round and 'round ♪
I got 500 likes for my
tweet about Michael Gove.
Mmmm.
Argh! C'mon Fucking
bastard motherfucker.
There's
no phone signal.
Why do you
need phone signal?
To get a taxi out of here.
You can't do that. Frankie'll
wonder where you've gone.
I don't give a
fuck about Frankie.
She'll get suspicious and think
that something's happening.
Er, nothing's happening.
And I don't want to stay anywhere
near her 'cause she thinks
I'm just some stupid wee woman
that works in a supermarket.
Oh, no, no, no. No,
you're imagining that.
She's not a snob. That's
the last thing she is.
I mean, she's good
friends with Ken Loach.
I don't
If I stay here I'm gonna end up
breaking her perfect FUCKING face.
Keep your voice down, we
don't want her to wake up.
Yeah, well, we wouldn't want to be too loud, would we?
/ Ssh.
I heard you.
/ Heard what?
I heard you having sex. We
weren't, we weren't having sex.
I heard you. The walls are
thin, I heard everything.
All right, we weren't having
sex, she was masturbating.
Huh? What were you doing?
Nothing.
So she was just slapping away
on her kebab and you-Sorry?
What were you doing? Slapping
away on her-Who calls it that?
Were you Were you just, like, watching her?
/ Oh, no.
So what were you doing
I was on Twitter.
Sorry.
I was
Oh, my God. Is she asleep?
Yeah, she always falls asleep
after slapping her kebab.
She'll be out cold 'til morning.
Please stay.
I can't.
Right, I need a phone signal.
Fuck it.
Wait, wait, Janet.
Look, Seamus, I'm gonna
call off the affair.
It's just, you know, now that I've
met Frankie, it's all very real and
Yeah. It's taken
the joy out of it.
Yeah, it feels like like
the moment's gone, yeah.
Yeah She's really
nice, Frankie.
Oh, yeah, yeah, she is. Thanks.
I can see why you're with
her. Yeah, she's great.
Obviously, it's a nightmare
for her putting up with you.
Yeah-Wait, what do you mean?
Well, you know, the way you're
weird about sex, for example.
What?! I'm not weird about
sex. Why would you say that?
Not having sex with her
when she was masturbating?
That was out of respect for you.
And, you know, we do
that all the time.
We probably masturbate
more around each other
than we actually make love.
God, fuck, that is a
bit weird, isn't it?
It started as something
kinda sexy and transgressive
and we do it so much now
it's just got a bit boring.
Anyway, it's a bit rich you telling
me that I'm weird about sex.
That's two stories you've told about
your ex-husband being killed by a dildo.
It's the death that
fucker deserves.
I can't imagine what he
was like, your husband.
Do you like Game of Thrones? I
think they film it round here.
God, no, I hate Game of Thrones.
What? Why?
Well, it's
It's full of naked women.
You don't like naked women?
No, no, I love naked women.
I just, not when it's like that, you
know, exploitative and misogynistic.
So you've never seen it?
God, no, why would I watch that? It's
full of dragons and swords and vampires.
There's no vampires
in Game of Thrones.
And ghosts. I fucking hate
ghosts. Ghosts are fucking stupid.
Don't be saying that,
they might hear you.
Are you serious?
/ I've never been more serious about anything in my life.
You-Sorry, you believe
in ghosts? Yes.
Well, do you have proof?
Have you seen one?
No, not personally but, you know, I know people who have.
/ Aha?
My friend saw the ghost of her
uncle. He was killed in the Troubles.
Oh, God, sorry, that's awful.
Well, he appeared to her in
a greengrocers and he says,
"Dear hear, love, don't buy them there apples.
They've got the wrong sell by date on them."
Sorry, so the ghost of her uncle
was advising her not to buy apples?
She says it was exactly the kind of thing he would have said if he was alive.
/ Aha
And, you know, at first I thought she
was just imagining it. Of course she was.
No, but she went ahead and bought the
apples and the very next day, guess what?
What?
They went off.
Yeah, oh, yeah, see that,
that doesn't prove anything.
That just proves that
fruit is perishable.
All that stuff Frankie
said about your mum?
Yeah?
Does that mean you're
actually a Protestant?
Oh, my God, that's your takeaway
from my tragic childhood story?
You're actually a Protestant.
No, stop it. No, I just mean Seamus
O'Hannigan's a really Catholic name.
OK, so it's not actually my real name.
/ Huh?
Erm, OK, so when
I was a teenager
and I was trying
to be a journalist,
I felt like it might connect
me with my Irish roots.
Also, there was a
very famous journalist
with the same name so
I had to change it.
So what's your real name?
OK, you can't laugh.
I promise, I won't
laugh. What's your name?
John Snow.
Unbelievable.
You said you wouldn't laugh!
I know but You don't
even like Game of Thrones-
I know, that's another reason why I
hate Game of Thrones. That fucking name!
Yeah.
Phone's run out of battery.
Just come back to the cottage.
I can't.
We could see if
there's an early train?
Uh-huh.
Half five. Oh
Not that long to wait.
You don't need to
stay here with me.
Well, I'm not gonna
leave you here alone.
So you know when you came to look for me earlier?
/ Yeah?
Did you expect
something to happen?
Like what?
You mean sex?
No need to say it
like a fucking nun!
What, sex?
Sorry, I'm just, I'm surprised. I
thought you called the affair off.
I did. It is off. It is off.
Then why are we
talking about sex?
Oh, I was just curious, don't
know what you were thinking. So
Well
I did like our kiss
earlier on the street.
Mmm. Me too.
Can I kiss you again?
I think a kiss would be OK.
A kiss would be fine, yeah.
It would just be like a
continuation of the previous kiss.
That's true because
we were interrupted.
Exactly, it would be like
just finishing the kiss.
Yeah it's
That's yeah
Oh, you fucking dickhead!
What? Why did you
call me a dickhead?
You're a dickhead.
You're a fucking dickhead because
you've got a woman like Frankie
and you're trying to
fuck a loser like me.
Loser?
Woah, woah, woah, wait, wait,
wait, listen, listen, listen.
Listen, listen, listen!
When I first met you, you were ready to blow your own head off with a shotgun.
/ Fuck sake.
No, no, no
And I didn't think, "Oh, look at that
loser, no wonder she wants to kill herself."
After one night with you, I
couldn't stop thinking about you.
I couldn't stop wondering why this,
why this brilliant, beautiful,
hilarious, exceptional woman
would want to destroy herself.
This woman who, you know, when I'm with
her I feel like I can breathe again.
Yeah? Well, you didn't
save my life, OK?
You're not my fucking saviour.
And I can get on fine without you.
Yes, I know that. I'm not
here out of fucking pity!
And even though you're completely
exasperating to be around,
I still choose to be here.
In fact, I'm calling off the
calling off of the affair.
I'm back in Belfast next
week and she won't be around
and we'll meet again then and
I insist that we have sex.
In fact, I won't take
no for an answer.
I mean, obviously, I will
take no for an answer.
I completely understand and
respect the principle of consent.
But, you know, well,
I've made my point.
Well, if we're gonna
have the affair
then we may as well just go
back to the cottage then.
OK.
I think the problem is neither
of us have had an affair before.
Why is that a problem?
Well, we don't know the rules.
Are there rules to an affair?
There has to be rules. People can't
just go about doing whatever they want.
But surely that's the point of
an affair? To break the rules?
Yeah, but I think if we have rules
then we wouldn't feel as bad.
OK.
Oh, good, she's not up yet.
OK? Yeah, thanks.
So, rule one
We can't fall in love.
Yep. 'Cause I don't
have time for that.
Do you think I've got time for it? With
everything I've got going on right now?
So no romance, no emotional attachments.
/ No, none.
And that way I don't get hurt. And you
don't get hurt. And she doesn't get hurt.
I hate seeing people getting hurt. I
can't even watch You've Been Framed.
You watch You've Been Framed?
No, that's what I said.
I said I don't watch it.
I don't.
/ OK, rule two. You're only in Belfast for one night a week?
Yeah, for the next five weeks.
So the affair can only take place in Belfast.
/ That's a great rule.
That, that way it only happens
in this one place and then
we know it's an affair
and not a relationship.
And then after the five weeks we
just, we will just call it quits.
Brilliant. I love a
time limit. Brilliant.
Rule number three,
if Frankie gets the slightest bit
suspicious, we have to call it off. Yeah.
Because I don't want
the drama. Me neither.
I don't want to be
the other woman.
I don't my face in the papers,
especially beside hers.
The papers aren't really a thing
anymore, but I get your point.
What do you mean papers aren't really a thing?
/ Because the whole industry's moved online.
Mm, people still buy papers.
Not in the numbers they used to.
I buy papers. OK,
that may be true
but they still only appeal to
a very limited demographic.
Look, I know what I'm talking
about, I work in the media-
I know what I'm talking about,
I work in a supermarket and I see
people buying papers every day.
I think we're getting
side-tracked here.
Rule number four.
/ How many rules are there going to be?
This is going to be
the last one. Good.
But it's the most important one.
What is it?
You can never leave
her for me.
Why is that the
most important rule?
It's 'cause I won't
make you happy.
So, they're the rules.
Agreed? Agreed.
What are you doing? Shaking
hands, it's an agreement.
God, you're so fucking English.
I'm bloody Irish!
/ Sshh. Sorry.
You're freezing. Have
you been outside?
Er, no.
I love you.
PERFUME GENIUS: Can't
Help Falling In Love
Wise men say,
only fools rush in
But I can't help
falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling
in love with you ♪
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