The Marriage Ref (2010) s01e03 Episode Script
Larry David, Madonna, Ricky Gervais
Male announcer: Tonight on the marriage ref, From the ricky gervais show, ricky gervais.
[mock crying.]
no.
What is going on? Announcer: From curb your enthusiasm, Larry david.
This woman's lucky anybody would sleep with her! Announcer: And madonna.
You're sitting next to a woman Who's standing up to you.
Whoa.
Announcer: In our most unpredictable show yet.
She's got her husband's old prosthetic leg! - It's a recipe for disaster.
- I love larry.
- Do not scream at me.
- You hate men! - I hate you.
- This is, like, 12 angry men.
He's changing his vote.
You're not on the panel.
I'm not on the panel.
I'm the ref.
This is the dream team for therapy.
Announcer: Now here's the marriage ref, tom papa.
Thank you.
Hi.
Welcome to the marriage ref.
I'm tom papa.
Tonight, we're gonna watch real couples In the middle of real life arguments.
And we're gonna give them the one thing They've always wanted.
A winner! So the way this works is we watch each couple.
I discuss the issue with the panel, They try and sway me in favor of the husband or the wife, And then I make the call.
All right, let's strap on our bike helmets And take a refreshing pedal out to the white sand beaches Of merrick, long island and meet the goldmans, Who have set up a complicated barter for garter system.
Alan, with your right foot, break the glass.
[glass shatters.]
What do you love about me? - What do I love about you? - Uh-huh? - Uh, just the whole- - the whole package.
I mean, just, you know, what do I-- What do you love about me? I--you make me laugh.
This is my basement.
You do not live down here.
I'm very happy down here.
You don't have to come down here.
If he would be a little cleaner, I would be much nicer to him.
I would be nicer to him verbally and sexually.
[laughter.]
Five clean acts is the most ridiculous thing In the world.
Ever.
If I clean the white table, what, okay - We can make out.
- We can make out, okay.
Then if I clean-- oh, I take the newspapers-- - Dishes.
- Dishes.
I don't do dishes.
Okay, washing the dishes would get me-- - A massage.
- Get a massage.
But I still can't touch you, right? Why do you have to? And how do we, uh, get to bed? To get to bed, okay, I got to vacuum? - Absolutely.
- No, I can't do that.
- Please.
- No.
No.
I got what you want tonight.
Ah! Oh! Oh! [cheers and applause.]
Oh! Oh! The issue here is he wants it, she's got it, How do you get it? Panel.
I think it's weird that she wants him to do-- Be clean so they can be dirty.
[cheers and applause.]
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Ricky, you seem a little disturbed.
- Horrendous.
- We're all disturbed.
Very disturbing.
Five clean acts and you can have sex with me.
Three clean acts, you can suck on my toe.
[laughter.]
Could they combine the sex with the housework? [laughter.]
So - Go on.
I don't know.
Mops on the knees or something.
[laughter.]
Well, honestly--honestly, all kidding aside, This is ridiculous.
[laughter.]
I mean, the woman's- the man's withholding sex Because he's not clean enough? Come on.
- Yeah.
She's-- So stupid.
Well, she's essentially giving him the choice "you can have sex with me or you can live like a slob.
" This woman's lucky anybody would sleep with her! [laughter.]
She should-- are you kidding? The one guy in the world who wants to sleep with her, She doesn't want.
But look at that room.
He's--hey-- That's his basement! He's screaming "I don't want to have sex with you.
" No.
[cheers and applause.]
- You disagree? - I disagree.
How long have they been together? 28 years? - 28 years.
It's shocking that he still wants her After 28 years.
Well I mean, usually, marriage is, you know, You're done after 2 1/2.
[laughs.]
how--how long did your marriage last? You know, we're on national television.
[laughter.]
14.
14 years.
14 years.
Okay, so you got past the two years of Actually really being attracted to them.
- Two years? - No, that's what they say.
And then after that, it's heavy lifting.
Well, you know all the moves after that.
You know, you can't come up with anything new.
But also by the look of the house, I assume they haven't had sex for 28 years.
[laughter.]
I've got one word for this guy Prostitute.
[laughter.]
We're trying to help them with their marriage.
I think that will help.
[laughter.]
All right, I-I need a fact here.
Please welcome tonight's just the facts ma'am, Nbc's maria menounos.
[cheers and applause.]
Is this totally insane? I mean, people charge for cleaning services.
Other people charge for sexual services.
Are these rates in any way comparable? Well, housecleaning services can range Between $100 and $200 per visit.
And a sex act can start at $10, But can go up quite steeply from there.
$10? I think I'm paying my housecleaner too much.
[laughter.]
Ricky, when you're in relationships, Aren't you always kind of working for it? I've got a cleaner.
[laughter.]
House is always clean.
Done.
It's done.
I think in all marriages, there's a negotiation.
- Right.
- For everything.
- Right.
- Sex.
The car.
Tv.
Whatever.
Larry, when you're in a relationship, You don't get anything for free just 'cause you're married.
Well, there's a difference, obviously, Between marriage and dating.
Right.
Marriage You're with someone who's basically an enemy.
Right.
[laughter.]
Dating, it's too soon for them to be your enemy.
But eventually, they'll get there.
All that hostility makes their-- It--it causes friction and then there's that attraction That is manifested from that hostility, you know? Yeah, I-I-I think you're looking at marriage In the wrong way.
Yeah.
I'll tell you what, You know, when I got married, I thought that this body now belonged to me.
Really? I thought that I could have sex Any time I wanted it.
And then what happened? Well, obviously, it didn't work out like that.
[laughter.]
But I thought that, "yeah, those are my breasts too now.
"I can have that breast.
I want that breast.
Why can't I have that? We're married?" - Larry, larry, you- - you should've done what I did.
I grew my own breasts.
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
All right, panelists, Who do you think I should call this for, Husband or the wife? Ricky.
- Well, it--it- -you've gotta call it For the husband just because you shouldn't use sex To get people to do cleaning.
I mean, that's--that's I mean, that's it.
It's--it's sort of game over.
Right.
Okay.
For the husband.
Madonna.
I don't think she should be, um, withholding sex For a clean house.
I think he is a slob.
But in this circumstance, um, it's too late.
[laughter.]
- Okay.
- Forget it.
- Two for the husband.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm--I'm- -I'm gonna vote for the husband.
But, you know, that--that guy's Still no day at the beach either.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
Okay, thanks.
I'm ready to make the call.
[bell rings.]
[laughter.]
Let's go to merrick, new york And bring up the real life goldmans.
[cheers and applause.]
Hey, goldmans.
How are you? Very well.
How are you tonight? Ha ha.
I'm doing well.
Okay, goldmans - Yes.
- Here's how I see it.
We need the veneer- phony as it may be-- Of civility, pleasantry, and romance.
Mindy has stripped away too much veneer.
She's created a hostile work environment.
It's sexual harassment in the workplace Without the sex.
Alan, congratulations, you win.
[cheers and applause.]
Like it's really gonna make a difference.
[laughter.]
Are they gonna have a big fight after this? They're not gonna have a fight.
They're in love.
Look at them.
[laughter.]
[mock crying.]
no.
What is going on? What is going on? This is a strange program.
It's--it's--some--I feel like someone's put crack in my drink.
What is going on? We're just-- This is the weirdest show I've ever been on.
[laughter.]
I mean, it's--it's already weird.
I mean, it's weird that I'm here with you two.
And then there's someone- it's just-- There's people behind-- I don't know what they're doing up there.
Like every show you're on is so normal.
[laughter.]
Yeah.
Touche.
Say good-bye to the goldmans, Everybody.
Thanks, goldmans.
Starting lives again.
We got this big, old, rubber leg.
She's got her husband's old prosthetic leg! Are you kidding? It's getting weirder.
That was 2-1.
Why does he get the casting vote? We're advisors! He's the judge! You're not on the panel.
I'm not on the panel.
I'm the ref though.
This is, like, 12 angry men.
He's changing his vote.
Next let's jump on a fan boat And zip across lake pontchartrain To magical mandeville, louisiana To meet the harpers, david, susan, And perhaps another presence.
When I met susan, I did think it was love at first sight.
We--we hit it off right away.
And I just was immediately attracted to her.
And when she sat down and started speaking, It didn't get worse.
Most women it seems like when they sit down And start talking, uh, the attraction goes away.
With her, it got stronger.
David's just a good-looking man.
David's just beautiful.
[laughs.]
sorry.
I want the sofas out.
Out! - No.
They have nothing to do with- -with my ex-wife.
They're just sofas.
Y'all did whatever you did on the sofa, Whether snuggled or made love.
It would be like sleeping in the same bed That y'all slept in.
Wipe the grin off your face because it's not funny.
The first time we made love on the sofas, They didn't seem to bother you very much at all, did they? - We were dating.
- Sofas are staying.
It's final.
Out with the old.
In with the new.
Do I not deserve for you to get rid of everything That y'all had together? I would never have brought in Things that--that were don and I's before.
Never.
And I didn't.
- You brought don.
Most people have put urns in mausoleums Or they store them somewhere.
They don't have them out like- -like decorations.
So you, you know, I've put up with a lot.
And that's different and you know that's different.
What about-- what about this? Starting lives again, we got this big, old, Rubber leg that you insist on having.
A dead man's leg.
Oh.
And you're talking about starting over, And not hanging on to the past, and everything else.
- That's not even funny.
- No, I'm not laughing.
I'm sick of looking at the leg.
It--it--it startles you when you see it in the closet And all--I mean, it's a fake leg.
I'm not gonna talk about the leg.
I'm not gonna talk about the leg.
It's not about the leg.
No, it's not about the leg.
Well, the sofa shouldn't bother you then.
Then the leg shouldn't bother you! A leg is a pretty personal thing From a-- from a prior marriage.
- Okay, so what you see as- - what you see as personal, I'm supposed to accept.
But what you- -what I see as personal, You're not supposed to accept-- period.
Oh.
[cheers and applause.]
The issue here is when we get married, Do we have to get rid of any evidence That we've ever had a prior relationship? It's-- I mean, this is insane, what I just watched, okay? I--it's--it's- - it's getting weirder.
It is--it is getting weirder.
This woman-- honestly, this woman She wants--she wants this guy to get rid of a sofa And she's got her husband's old prosthetic leg! Are you kidding? Well, the ashes is fair enough.
If you died, I mean, that's, you know, It's a memory of him.
But the leg's going too far.
Yeah, but that's, like-- it's all creepy.
It's all creepy.
The ashes.
The co--the couch they had sex on.
The plastic leg.
It's a recipe for disaster.
The creepiest-- [applause.]
The creepiest thing in this whole haunted house for me Is the tube sock.
[laughter.]
- yeah.
You see that? Look.
[laughter.]
- fair point.
But then-- Is--is the leg in a pick-up game later? - They don't- -they don't need a ref.
They both need a trip to the funny farm.
[laughter.]
- Well, what- -do you have any policy Of when--when you go into a new relationship? Do you have to wipe out everything from your past? No, just-- just old legs.
[laughter.]
No legs.
- Yeah.
- That's my--no legs.
- Limbs.
I got to say though, if I had to choose one, I don't think the couch is so terrible.
- No? - Why's the couch so bad? So what? First of all, it's an ugly couch.
Well, maybe.
Maybe.
It's just--it's--no.
It has to go 'cause it's ugly.
I don't care what they did on it.
She doesn't want to get rid of it 'cause it's ugly.
She wants to get rid of it because he made love on it A couple of times.
Yeah, but he asked us what we thought.
They're so moronic, I don't even want to help them! [laughter.]
- But what--what--what I- - what I do like about it Is though people if--if- if people of america Are in a problem, I think the first three people they turn to Is ricky gervais, larry david, and madonna.
I think that is probably their first-- That's where they go.
They go, boom, get me one of them.
How much for all three? 95% of people who are together are having moronic problems.
Let's face it.
- Well, yeah.
I say he gets rid of the couch And she gets rid of the leg.
Get rid of the couch, get rid of the leg.
She can keep the urn though, surely.
- Yeah.
- Just pop that somewhere.
I think she just needs to get a nicer vase.
- Why not just- - maybe she should've saved The husband's head and put it on the dinner table.
[laughter.]
So you're saying-- I-I think get rid of the couch And the leg.
Get rid of the couch and the leg? Don can stay? - That's what I said.
Well, I'm agreeing with you.
Is there a problem there? [laughter.]
No.
For once, there isn't.
Okay, hold on.
And larry.
I say get rid of the couch, the leg, and the woman.
[laughter.]
Wait, wait, larry, you always want-- You--you always want- you don't like women.
I'm a misogynist.
What are you doing on this show? They didn't ask me if I was a misogynist.
[laughter.]
All right, I'm ready to make the call.
[bell rings.]
Let's go to mandeville, louisiana And bring up the present-day harpers In their past-life home.
[cheers and applause.]
Hey, guys.
Nice to have you here.
You look great.
Great to be here.
Thanks.
I think.
I love Larry.
- You love larry? See.
- But--but-- [cheers and applause.]
- and ricky and madonna.
I'm gonna have one- one of larry's legs Laying around one of these days.
[laughter.]
- See? - He's already got the socks.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
Larry was one of don's favorites So this is very special for don tonight In more ways than one.
[applause.]
Well, listen, we discussed the whole issue.
I actually--I actually think madonna had it--had it down.
She sees two problems and one thing that has to stay.
And, listen, susan hates the couch.
David hates the urn and the leg.
That's why I'm calling this one for don.
- Oh.
Okay.
Okay.
- Yeah.
I can handle that.
He's the one that has toisten to all this bickering.
He deserves his own place.
And everybody else deserves a fresh start too.
The couch goes, the leg goes, And, david, that smarmy King-of-the-sofa smirk on your face, That goes too.
Oh, I got to get rid of my smirk? Congratulations, don.
You win.
[cheers and applause.]
Yay.
How come--how come it never occurred to you To get rid of the leg and the couch? Compromise.
We're--we're both too hardheaded to compromise.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
No.
[laughter.]
When you divorce, it's a totally different story, Is it not? 'cause that person's still alive? No, exactly.
That is a very good point.
If he kept his ex-wife in an urn In the living room, that would be really weird.
- I'd be happy.
- Exactly.
[cackles.]
[applause.]
Well, congratulations, don.
Say good-bye to the harpers, everybody.
Thanks for being here.
All right, when we come back-- What happened to his leg? He's in the middle of it.
We're just interrupting now.
- Hold on.
- What happened to the what? I want to know what happened to his leg.
I thought I'd say this in my life, But not now, madonna.
[laughter.]
- You're just jealous.
- Well, I might be a little bit.
I'm gonna stroke your hand like it's an iguana.
This is easily the most uncomfortable hour I've ever spent in my life.
Why, 'cause you're sitting next to a woman Who's standing up to you? [cheers and applause.]
All right.
Next, let's gas up the seaplane And skim across the turquoise blue waters Of the gulf coast- - [stifled laughter.]
I'm so sorry.
I'm so--I'm so sorry.
Madonna started talking to me.
- He's doesn't-- - you know what's weird? He doesn't believe in marriage.
Not now, larry.
[laughter.]
It's time to watch the banners.
[cheers and applause.]
Laura and I met-- One time I was cooking up a lot of chili And my mom recommended I go down the street And borrow this cooking pot from her mother.
I was looking out the window.
Then I came downstairs and met him at the door When he returned the stew pot.
I'm a complex man.
We built him a cage.
He can stay outside.
How would you like to be outside With no clothes on right about now? I'm not a lizard.
[audience ohs.]
What do you think the ones that live in the wild do When it gets chilly? They don't live in cold places.
And when they do live in cold places, They start falling out of the trees.
How many people do you know That have a five-foot long iguana Roaming through their house? Our cats roam around the house.
They're cats! He's a domesticated lizard.
You want to take a bath? Iguana take a bath? That bathtub in there is not his personal swimming pool.
There's nothing wrong with spoiling my iguana With a little bit of enjoyment.
I swear.
Little hats.
Do you have a christmas hat on? - Little scarves.
- Iggy.
[kissing.]
I mean, look at this.
You're trying to create an environment for a lizard On the corner of my expensive leather sofa.
You hear how your daddy's talking to you? I'm not his daddy.
Don't refer to me as his daddy, okay? You are his daddy.
I don't appreciate that when you do it with the cats And I dang sure don't appreciate it When you do it with the lizard.
You can call yourself his mama all you want.
I am his mommy.
You spend a lot of time making sure that iggy is this, That, and the other.
"is he taken care of? Is he fed? Oh, got to get him a nice, warm bath.
" What's wrong with all that? I take care of my animals.
You kiss on him more than you kiss on me.
- Maybe so.
- Ah.
There's nothing wrong with me pampering him.
You're just jealous.
[laughter.]
Well, I might be a little bit, you know? Aren't you just so handsome in your little hat? - Panel.
- Oh.
I think the lizard's very phallic.
- What do you mean? - I'm just saying.
Actually, I know what madonna means.
That does look like a big [bleep.]
.
[laughter.]
It does.
It does.
But, you know, with all due respect To the lizard - Yeah.
Iggy.
His name's iggy.
Iggy.
The iguana.
It's--it's a lovely animal.
It's very cute as far as lizards go.
But honestly, in the house? I mean, that's insane.
- Yes, I think she should- - I-I-I love animals.
And I like the fact that she, you know, dotes on it And--and everything.
But I've got a bit of a problem with dressing them up And--and But people dress their dogs up.
What's wrong--I don't have a problem with it.
Where do you get all these lizards outfits? - Tom, don't you have kids? - I do have kids.
- Don't they have dolls? - They do.
So they're doll clothes.
It's not so weird.
It's not so weird? If my kids saw that picture right now, They would never want christmas to come again.
That's not true.
I bet if your kids saw that, they'd want a lizard.
You're wrong.
You don't know your kids.
You better go home.
[laughter.]
It's true.
My kids did see this and they loved it.
- See? - Yeah.
- Don't argue.
- But they're kids.
Can we wrap this up? I have to go to the bathroom.
[laughter.]
- so do I.
Larry, you're just mad 'cause there's no woman For you to slag off.
[laughs.]
Why is the lizard in the house? Why are the cats in the house? Pets are weird period.
[laughter.]
- Why are cats- - why are cats weird? Oh, 'cause I think Domesticating animals is weird--period.
That said, they have cats, so why can't they have a lizard? I think they need to get rid of the couch.
[laughter.]
I want to go to your house and see what couches you have.
- Get rid of that couch.
- You must have amazing couches.
I do.
How can anybody ever invite you over? You're so critical of furniture.
You're so critical of women.
I'm never inviting you over.
They should get a heterosexual roommate.
You know? Get a heterosexual roommate.
You'll have more fun.
You won't have the responsibilities.
And you're probably not having sex anyway.
So what is the point of the whole thing? You mean, just have a dude live with them? Live with a guy.
Yeah.
Roommate.
But, larry, we're supposed to be helping these people.
- You can't-- - you can't just-- Okay, let's just- we're supposed to be he-- Why look at me like that? That's very hateful, that look.
When they get divorced, you can talk to them.
I'm trying to encourage them to get divorced.
[laughs.]
no, I think that these guys Actually love each other.
I think he's just-- He's just got this giant lizard.
When they get on, let's ask if they have sex.
No.
Don't ask that.
Don't ask that.
Why? See, this is a typical british attitude.
They don't like talking about sex.
This is easily the most uncomfortable hour I've ever spent in my life.
Why, 'cause you're with a-- You're sitting next to a woman who's standing up to you? [cheers and applause.]
Larry.
I'm gonna stroke your hand like it's an iguana.
[laughter.]
Who would you rather live with at this point In your life, an iguana or a woman? - Or me.
- Me.
Definitely we'd be good heterosexual roommates, Wouldn't we? We'd be good hetero roommates.
- Wouldn't we? - Yes.
We'd be--yeah.
Let's do it.
It's a new show.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Let's get- - let's get our own show.
Yeah.
- The odd couple.
All right, when we come back, I'll be ready to make my call.
Everyone's excited to hear that, right? [cheers and applause.]
That's the problem with the marriage ceremony! They need to start putting more stuff in there! It's just sickness and health? [bleep.]
! [laughter.]
Welcome back to animal planet.
We're talking to the banners and their pet iguana iggy.
How many people do you know That have a five-foot long iguana Roaming through their house? He's gonna eat better than I am today.
I'm eating a tv dinner.
You're making him a catered gourmet salad.
Well, he's just like one of our children.
Way--way to keep your man happy.
Yeah.
Panelists, who do you think I should call this for? - This is a no-brainer.
- No-brainer.
I'm with you.
Come on.
High-five me.
Ow.
Ow.
- Ow.
What do you mean no-brainer? - Um - It's obvious.
- You must really hate women.
- Come on.
I don't have a problem with the lizard.
What? Are you serious? I am so serious.
Look how the husband's reacting to that! How could you say that? What's wrong with you? - Do not-- - you hate men! - Do not scream at me.
- You hate men! - No.
I-- - you're a man hater! I hate you.
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
Pele have all kinds of pets in their house.
And they dress them up in all kinds of crazy outfits.
And I don't have a problem- don't be a petist, okay? Let me--let me ask you something, okay? Let me ask you something.
- What? When these people got married, okay, And here's the wedding ceremony, And--and--and the, uh, and the minister says, "uh, do you take this guy, whatever, "to have and to hold till death do you part-- "oh, and by the way, You're gonna be living with a lizard as well.
" Yeah, but people-- things happen.
They've been married for 14 years.
- For better, for worse.
- Come on.
For better, for worse.
That's in the-- Exactly.
- So, ricky, are you saying- - are you deciding for the wife? Imagine if when you got married, Everything that would ever happen Would be in the contract.
It should be! It would take as long as your life--the contract.
That's the problem with the marriage ceremony! They need to start putting more stuff in there! There's not enough stuff in there.
It's just sickness and health? [bleep.]
! [laughter.]
Give me more stuff! But what though? Any, you know, more stuff! - But people never- - but people are always at their best When they first hook up.
- Yeah.
They never show their weirdness until later.
- Of course.
- Until you're stuck, And there's no prenup.
[laughter.]
An iguana's a little over the weirdness line.
I don't think there's a problem with an iguana.
No problem.
You're for the wife.
Ricky, bottom line.
Even though she shouldn't dress it up and--and--and And kiss it too much, 'cause that can I mean, there's--there's pet love And then there's wrongness.
Right.
So, larry, we have two for the wife.
Where do you fall? What, you're voting for the wife? - Yeah.
- Our hetero show is off.
[laughter.]
- So husband.
- I'm voting for the husband.
I'm--I'm--I'm sickened by this iguana in the house.
Okay, I'm ready to make the call.
[bell rings.]
Let's go to wesley chapel, florida And bring up the banners in their natural habitat.
[cheers and applause.]
Aw.
He's wearing a st.
Patrick's day hat? Good to see you guys.
Thanks for being on our show.
- Yeah.
How you doing, tom? - I'm doing all right.
All right, here's my call.
I've discussed your issue with the panel And I have to say mr.
Larry david and I Are seeing eye-to-eye on this one.
I think one thing is perfectly clear: You're living with a dragon From a '50s japanese monster movie.
So, laura, you have to put that thing back in his cage.
If not, three words: Takes like chicken.
[cheers and applause.]
Tony, you win.
- No, he doesn't.
No, he doesn't.
Two against two.
He's the final say! He's got final say! - I have the final say.
- Why? It doesn't make sense.
What are we here for? It was 2-1.
Why does he get the casting vote? You are my advisers, but I make the ruling.
You're not on the panel.
Didn't you read the contract? No, of course I didn't read the contract.
We're advisors! He's the judge! You're not on the panel.
I'm not on the panel.
I'm the ref.
It's not the marriage panel.
Yes.
Well, what are we here for? To advise me and give me wisdom.
And larry was right.
You don't take our advice.
You're fighting in front of the banners! Okay, wait a minute.
I love the-- I love the lizard.
I love the wife.
I love the--the husband.
He looks a bit like a fat jerry seinfeld.
I love him.
And I love them all.
But mostly, I love the lizard.
You love the lizard.
But he could be in a nice cage.
You go out and you visit him.
Why? Why? No cage? No cage! Nothing! Out of the house! - Just - No cage! Just throw him on the highway? - No.
- Yes! He takes him home.
Now he's not happy with it in a cage.
Now he's gonna just throw it onto the freeway.
This is what I mean.
Protect the lizard.
Bring him back to his native land! - Do you have a dog? - I had a dog.
They got divorced.
He didn't like it any more.
- I had two dogs.
Yes.
- Okay.
So? And they--they both died.
[laughter.]
- Hey, tony.
- Yes.
Yes.
Is there anything that you would like to explain to us Of why living with this lizard is so awful? Tell madonna.
- Yeah.
'cause I don't have a problem with it.
Listen, there's house pets.
There's cats, dogs, the goldfish.
This is a lizard living in my house.
Wait, can I say something, please, 'cause I have a fact? Sure.
Go ahead.
He's the one who brought the lizard home.
- That's right.
- He brought the lizard home.
- Oh, now you tell us! - That's right.
- I'm changing my vote.
- Oh, good.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I brought the lizard home in a cage.
I'm changing my vote.
He brought the lizard home in a cage.
- He's changing his vote.
- Wait, listen to tony.
This is, like, 12 angry men.
He's changing his vote.
- I'm changing my vote.
- Listen to tony.
Wait.
I brought the lizard home in a cage With all the proper equipment to take care of it.
- Right.
- The cage was too small.
But I did not know it was going to turn out to be My wife's personal project That takes all of our attention away.
- He's-- - hold on, banners.
Let me talk with the panel one more time, please.
No.
Definitely not.
Definitely not.
What do we do? Larry? [laughs.]
- Should we change it? - It's his fault.
- Can we change it? - He brought the lizard-- Yes, change your vote.
Yes.
He brought it into the house! Yes! I vote for her.
Thank god, the man is not insane.
- Yes.
- Banners [cheers and applause.]
What? - Banners, the panel- -the panel has helped me see the light.
The lizard stays.
- Good.
Yay! - Oh.
Now.
Say good-bye to the banners, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
- oh.
Thank you.
Makes sense.
Kind of.
You see what a magnanimous fellow I am? Thank you, larry david, you're a kind soul.
Not.
[cheers and applause.]
He's in love with the mother.
He should move in with her and start sleeping with her.
- Bye, everybody.
- And here's one other thing-- See you later.
[laughter.]
All right, let's hit our turn signal And merge into the fast lane Along the futuristic long island expressway For a carefree zoom out to albertson, new york To meet the spiegels- three of them-- That are locked in some kind of woody allen thunderdome.
There was the relationship line In new york magazine.
And we both had ads on.
And she listened to my ad.
She liked my voice.
When I saw her, I think my jaw must've dropped From here to cleveland.
We really, really got along very, very well.
I've always had my mother as a confidant.
She's been, uh, by my side through thick and through thin.
She's very judgmental.
She's critical.
She's been terrific for me.
She talks about everybody.
- She's my rock.
- I don't like her.
Frankly speaking, uh, I never ate in a home where they serve me Paper plates and paper cups.
She resents the fact that you and I talk to each other.
Yeah, but how does she know that you confide in me? I told her that I confide in you.
- Well, this is maybe- - it's a little mistake.
What a mother and son speaks, this is just for your ear.
You being a psychiatrist, It's totally unacceptable - What? - That you speak tyour mother.
- He's a psychiatrist.
It is unacceptable.
I can't have secrets from her.
I don't feel honest.
I really, really trust you.
But when it comes to speaking to your mother, I don't trust you.
You know why? Because she has a way of needling you.
You know, clive, in a way, I think you are a little bit yellow bellied coward.
Socially, you're a flop.
You're eating yourself into the grave too.
-You're 45 years old, clive.
If you don't have sex now with your wife, When will you have it? - [groans.]
- When? - [groans and laughter.]
- Listen to me.
- Wait a minute.
Just a minute.
You can talk in a minute.
You stick up for your mother more than you-- More than you stick up for me.
I talk to you and I talk to her.
So maybe I'm the one who's setting up the problem.
- Maybe? - Go see a therapist.
Well, that--that might help it.
That might help it.
I think maybe she should see a therapist.
I'm the only one who knows your pain.
You don't need a therapist.
You have a mother.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
So the issue here is who do you see As the real troublemaker out of these three? This is cut and dry.
That's--I mean-- If we vote, can we get rid of the mother? You're not allowed to vote And get rid of the mother, are you? To get rid of the mother? It's not like the leg or the urn.
Larry, you can't slag off the woman in this sit-- The wife in this situation.
He's torn though.
He's torn, you see.
This is the oedipus complex run amok here.
Right.
This guy's in love with his mother.
Okay? And the wife has no chance here.
No chance.
- Why? He's in love with the mother.
He should move in with her and start sleeping with her.
- Bye, everybody.
- And here's one other thing-- [laughter.]
- see you later.
- And wait a second, larry.
- And then she criticized him.
She calls him a fat pig.
- A pig.
- Yeah.
- "socially, you're a flop.
" I think that turns him on.
I think he likes to be abused.
And here's something that no one else is thinking about.
People pay him for advice.
He's a therapist.
He's a psychiatrist and a neurologist.
A psychiatrist and a neurologist.
- And a neurologist.
- Oh, my god.
They're not having sex.
She said they don't have sex.
The mother.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, this--this-- Imagine confiding that to your mother.
- How do you- -how does she know? I know.
Who would talk to their mother like that? Well, this freaked me out.
This is worse than a prosthetic leg In a closet.
- Much worse.
I wouldn't tell my mother what I had for dinner.
No.
Really.
This part freaked me out.
Can we watch it again? You're 45 years old, clive.
If you don't have sex now with your wife, When will you have it? Well, it's when she says now, Like she wants him to jump on her In front of her.
Go.
Now.
You must have sex with your wife now.
Well, she's kind of like a bond villain, Isn't she, the mother? - Yeah.
She's, like [russian accent.]
this is an ignorant girl.
She must be destroyed.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
I-I think it's kind of sad.
Because without the mother, I think they'd be a good couple.
They would? I think the mother's destroying this relationship.
Of course.
Of course.
Definitely.
- No.
Excuse me.
Wrong.
- Yeah.
He's destroying it.
He has to take responsibility.
He needs to throw the mother out.
[cheers and applause.]
here we go again.
He is blaming the woman again.
No.
No, I'm not.
No, I'm not.
No.
No.
No, I think it's different.
I think it's different this time.
Your misogyny knows no bounds.
No, I don't think he's blaming the woman.
All right, hold on.
When we come back, we'll sort out this mess.
He should stand up and say "I'm not discussing Having sex with my wife with you any more, mom.
" So we have three distinct wacky characters here.
The spiegels.
You are a mama's boy.
I think that she was jealous of our relationship.
[audience ohs.]
- panel.
- It's all a mess.
- Yeah.
It was destined.
You could tell from the time he was four That he's been like that.
I-I think he's getting to the root of it That, obviously, she sort of made him like that.
And she's still dominating him.
Yeah, but he's a shrink.
Hasn't he done enough self-examination? Hasn't he worked out his oedipal issues? They're the most screwed up people of all.
- But he's trapped.
- Ugh.
But, of course there's something wrong.
But why did he- why is he going on television When he's a psychiatrist? He's got to go to work.
Why are any of them going on television! Why are we on television? 'cause they've got nothing to lose.
All they've got to lose is a leg.
He's got a career to lose.
I-I think the wife is, uh, innocent here.
You think the wife is innocent? - Yes.
- Yes.
- It's the wife.
- I think she's being really a-- - She's in a tough position.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- It is tough.
All right, ricky, who's right here? Who's wrong? Husband or the wife? The wife's done nothing wrong.
She's done nothing wrong.
She's put up with it.
- So she's innocent.
- You're in favor of the wife.
He should stand up and say "I'm not discussing-- "I'm not discussing having sex with my wife With you any more, mom.
" That's--that's the first thing he should say.
And the--and the-- but the-- So you've got--you've got to rule in favor of the wife.
There's no doubt about it.
The wife.
Madonna.
I'm not telling you the answer 'cause you know it.
Secret message received.
[laughter.]
The, um [laughter.]
If he lues his life [laughter.]
The--the mother should not be allowed into that house.
And--and if she is, she should be muzzled.
[laughs.]
all right.
Thank you very much.
I'm ready to make the call.
[bell rings.]
Let's go to albertson, new york, And bring up the cast of throw momma from the train.
[laughter.]
Spiegels! [cheers and applause.]
Thanks for being on our show.
You guys look all jazzed up and great.
- Thank you.
- We did it just for you.
All right.
Here's my call.
There's a lot of guys who get trapped Living in the aura of their mommies.
But, clive, you're a doctor.
You married a woman.
Rule 1: The only time I want you talking to your mom Is on her birthday, mother's day, And sundays for 15 minutes.
That's it.
Jacqueline, you win.
- Thank you.
[applause.]
Anything you'd like to ask the spiegels Before we bid them good night? I just feel that we've achieved something tonight.
You do? Now I think we're gonna go into business, us three.
I think this is--this is the dream team for therapy.
Any problems.
- It started crazy.
And now it makes perfect sense.
We can do anything you want.
We're just up for hire.
I want to know who chose the tie.
- Yeah.
- Who dressed you-- Who dressed you tonight, clive? "who dressed you?" I actually managed to put it together on my own.
- Ooh.
- Ask him if he chose the tie.
Does madonna approve of my choice of the fire read? [laughter.]
Where's mom now? In the closet? [laughter.]
- Almost.
Almost.
- You're a psychiatrist? - I'm a psychiatrist.
- Well, good luck tomorrow.
Say good-bye to the spiegels, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you very much.
And for being such great sports tonight, All our couples will receive a romantic second honeymoon Furnished by royal caribbean international.
[cheers and applause.]
So that's our show.
We'd like to thank our panel of experts, Larry david, ricky gervais, and madonna.
)e [cheers and applause.]
And escially to all our couples tonight, Thank you for letting us into your marriage.
It's worth fighting for.
Now kiss and make up.
Good night, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
[mock crying.]
no.
What is going on? Announcer: From curb your enthusiasm, Larry david.
This woman's lucky anybody would sleep with her! Announcer: And madonna.
You're sitting next to a woman Who's standing up to you.
Whoa.
Announcer: In our most unpredictable show yet.
She's got her husband's old prosthetic leg! - It's a recipe for disaster.
- I love larry.
- Do not scream at me.
- You hate men! - I hate you.
- This is, like, 12 angry men.
He's changing his vote.
You're not on the panel.
I'm not on the panel.
I'm the ref.
This is the dream team for therapy.
Announcer: Now here's the marriage ref, tom papa.
Thank you.
Hi.
Welcome to the marriage ref.
I'm tom papa.
Tonight, we're gonna watch real couples In the middle of real life arguments.
And we're gonna give them the one thing They've always wanted.
A winner! So the way this works is we watch each couple.
I discuss the issue with the panel, They try and sway me in favor of the husband or the wife, And then I make the call.
All right, let's strap on our bike helmets And take a refreshing pedal out to the white sand beaches Of merrick, long island and meet the goldmans, Who have set up a complicated barter for garter system.
Alan, with your right foot, break the glass.
[glass shatters.]
What do you love about me? - What do I love about you? - Uh-huh? - Uh, just the whole- - the whole package.
I mean, just, you know, what do I-- What do you love about me? I--you make me laugh.
This is my basement.
You do not live down here.
I'm very happy down here.
You don't have to come down here.
If he would be a little cleaner, I would be much nicer to him.
I would be nicer to him verbally and sexually.
[laughter.]
Five clean acts is the most ridiculous thing In the world.
Ever.
If I clean the white table, what, okay - We can make out.
- We can make out, okay.
Then if I clean-- oh, I take the newspapers-- - Dishes.
- Dishes.
I don't do dishes.
Okay, washing the dishes would get me-- - A massage.
- Get a massage.
But I still can't touch you, right? Why do you have to? And how do we, uh, get to bed? To get to bed, okay, I got to vacuum? - Absolutely.
- No, I can't do that.
- Please.
- No.
No.
I got what you want tonight.
Ah! Oh! Oh! [cheers and applause.]
Oh! Oh! The issue here is he wants it, she's got it, How do you get it? Panel.
I think it's weird that she wants him to do-- Be clean so they can be dirty.
[cheers and applause.]
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Ricky, you seem a little disturbed.
- Horrendous.
- We're all disturbed.
Very disturbing.
Five clean acts and you can have sex with me.
Three clean acts, you can suck on my toe.
[laughter.]
Could they combine the sex with the housework? [laughter.]
So - Go on.
I don't know.
Mops on the knees or something.
[laughter.]
Well, honestly--honestly, all kidding aside, This is ridiculous.
[laughter.]
I mean, the woman's- the man's withholding sex Because he's not clean enough? Come on.
- Yeah.
She's-- So stupid.
Well, she's essentially giving him the choice "you can have sex with me or you can live like a slob.
" This woman's lucky anybody would sleep with her! [laughter.]
She should-- are you kidding? The one guy in the world who wants to sleep with her, She doesn't want.
But look at that room.
He's--hey-- That's his basement! He's screaming "I don't want to have sex with you.
" No.
[cheers and applause.]
- You disagree? - I disagree.
How long have they been together? 28 years? - 28 years.
It's shocking that he still wants her After 28 years.
Well I mean, usually, marriage is, you know, You're done after 2 1/2.
[laughs.]
how--how long did your marriage last? You know, we're on national television.
[laughter.]
14.
14 years.
14 years.
Okay, so you got past the two years of Actually really being attracted to them.
- Two years? - No, that's what they say.
And then after that, it's heavy lifting.
Well, you know all the moves after that.
You know, you can't come up with anything new.
But also by the look of the house, I assume they haven't had sex for 28 years.
[laughter.]
I've got one word for this guy Prostitute.
[laughter.]
We're trying to help them with their marriage.
I think that will help.
[laughter.]
All right, I-I need a fact here.
Please welcome tonight's just the facts ma'am, Nbc's maria menounos.
[cheers and applause.]
Is this totally insane? I mean, people charge for cleaning services.
Other people charge for sexual services.
Are these rates in any way comparable? Well, housecleaning services can range Between $100 and $200 per visit.
And a sex act can start at $10, But can go up quite steeply from there.
$10? I think I'm paying my housecleaner too much.
[laughter.]
Ricky, when you're in relationships, Aren't you always kind of working for it? I've got a cleaner.
[laughter.]
House is always clean.
Done.
It's done.
I think in all marriages, there's a negotiation.
- Right.
- For everything.
- Right.
- Sex.
The car.
Tv.
Whatever.
Larry, when you're in a relationship, You don't get anything for free just 'cause you're married.
Well, there's a difference, obviously, Between marriage and dating.
Right.
Marriage You're with someone who's basically an enemy.
Right.
[laughter.]
Dating, it's too soon for them to be your enemy.
But eventually, they'll get there.
All that hostility makes their-- It--it causes friction and then there's that attraction That is manifested from that hostility, you know? Yeah, I-I-I think you're looking at marriage In the wrong way.
Yeah.
I'll tell you what, You know, when I got married, I thought that this body now belonged to me.
Really? I thought that I could have sex Any time I wanted it.
And then what happened? Well, obviously, it didn't work out like that.
[laughter.]
But I thought that, "yeah, those are my breasts too now.
"I can have that breast.
I want that breast.
Why can't I have that? We're married?" - Larry, larry, you- - you should've done what I did.
I grew my own breasts.
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
All right, panelists, Who do you think I should call this for, Husband or the wife? Ricky.
- Well, it--it- -you've gotta call it For the husband just because you shouldn't use sex To get people to do cleaning.
I mean, that's--that's I mean, that's it.
It's--it's sort of game over.
Right.
Okay.
For the husband.
Madonna.
I don't think she should be, um, withholding sex For a clean house.
I think he is a slob.
But in this circumstance, um, it's too late.
[laughter.]
- Okay.
- Forget it.
- Two for the husband.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm--I'm- -I'm gonna vote for the husband.
But, you know, that--that guy's Still no day at the beach either.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
Okay, thanks.
I'm ready to make the call.
[bell rings.]
[laughter.]
Let's go to merrick, new york And bring up the real life goldmans.
[cheers and applause.]
Hey, goldmans.
How are you? Very well.
How are you tonight? Ha ha.
I'm doing well.
Okay, goldmans - Yes.
- Here's how I see it.
We need the veneer- phony as it may be-- Of civility, pleasantry, and romance.
Mindy has stripped away too much veneer.
She's created a hostile work environment.
It's sexual harassment in the workplace Without the sex.
Alan, congratulations, you win.
[cheers and applause.]
Like it's really gonna make a difference.
[laughter.]
Are they gonna have a big fight after this? They're not gonna have a fight.
They're in love.
Look at them.
[laughter.]
[mock crying.]
no.
What is going on? What is going on? This is a strange program.
It's--it's--some--I feel like someone's put crack in my drink.
What is going on? We're just-- This is the weirdest show I've ever been on.
[laughter.]
I mean, it's--it's already weird.
I mean, it's weird that I'm here with you two.
And then there's someone- it's just-- There's people behind-- I don't know what they're doing up there.
Like every show you're on is so normal.
[laughter.]
Yeah.
Touche.
Say good-bye to the goldmans, Everybody.
Thanks, goldmans.
Starting lives again.
We got this big, old, rubber leg.
She's got her husband's old prosthetic leg! Are you kidding? It's getting weirder.
That was 2-1.
Why does he get the casting vote? We're advisors! He's the judge! You're not on the panel.
I'm not on the panel.
I'm the ref though.
This is, like, 12 angry men.
He's changing his vote.
Next let's jump on a fan boat And zip across lake pontchartrain To magical mandeville, louisiana To meet the harpers, david, susan, And perhaps another presence.
When I met susan, I did think it was love at first sight.
We--we hit it off right away.
And I just was immediately attracted to her.
And when she sat down and started speaking, It didn't get worse.
Most women it seems like when they sit down And start talking, uh, the attraction goes away.
With her, it got stronger.
David's just a good-looking man.
David's just beautiful.
[laughs.]
sorry.
I want the sofas out.
Out! - No.
They have nothing to do with- -with my ex-wife.
They're just sofas.
Y'all did whatever you did on the sofa, Whether snuggled or made love.
It would be like sleeping in the same bed That y'all slept in.
Wipe the grin off your face because it's not funny.
The first time we made love on the sofas, They didn't seem to bother you very much at all, did they? - We were dating.
- Sofas are staying.
It's final.
Out with the old.
In with the new.
Do I not deserve for you to get rid of everything That y'all had together? I would never have brought in Things that--that were don and I's before.
Never.
And I didn't.
- You brought don.
Most people have put urns in mausoleums Or they store them somewhere.
They don't have them out like- -like decorations.
So you, you know, I've put up with a lot.
And that's different and you know that's different.
What about-- what about this? Starting lives again, we got this big, old, Rubber leg that you insist on having.
A dead man's leg.
Oh.
And you're talking about starting over, And not hanging on to the past, and everything else.
- That's not even funny.
- No, I'm not laughing.
I'm sick of looking at the leg.
It--it--it startles you when you see it in the closet And all--I mean, it's a fake leg.
I'm not gonna talk about the leg.
I'm not gonna talk about the leg.
It's not about the leg.
No, it's not about the leg.
Well, the sofa shouldn't bother you then.
Then the leg shouldn't bother you! A leg is a pretty personal thing From a-- from a prior marriage.
- Okay, so what you see as- - what you see as personal, I'm supposed to accept.
But what you- -what I see as personal, You're not supposed to accept-- period.
Oh.
[cheers and applause.]
The issue here is when we get married, Do we have to get rid of any evidence That we've ever had a prior relationship? It's-- I mean, this is insane, what I just watched, okay? I--it's--it's- - it's getting weirder.
It is--it is getting weirder.
This woman-- honestly, this woman She wants--she wants this guy to get rid of a sofa And she's got her husband's old prosthetic leg! Are you kidding? Well, the ashes is fair enough.
If you died, I mean, that's, you know, It's a memory of him.
But the leg's going too far.
Yeah, but that's, like-- it's all creepy.
It's all creepy.
The ashes.
The co--the couch they had sex on.
The plastic leg.
It's a recipe for disaster.
The creepiest-- [applause.]
The creepiest thing in this whole haunted house for me Is the tube sock.
[laughter.]
- yeah.
You see that? Look.
[laughter.]
- fair point.
But then-- Is--is the leg in a pick-up game later? - They don't- -they don't need a ref.
They both need a trip to the funny farm.
[laughter.]
- Well, what- -do you have any policy Of when--when you go into a new relationship? Do you have to wipe out everything from your past? No, just-- just old legs.
[laughter.]
No legs.
- Yeah.
- That's my--no legs.
- Limbs.
I got to say though, if I had to choose one, I don't think the couch is so terrible.
- No? - Why's the couch so bad? So what? First of all, it's an ugly couch.
Well, maybe.
Maybe.
It's just--it's--no.
It has to go 'cause it's ugly.
I don't care what they did on it.
She doesn't want to get rid of it 'cause it's ugly.
She wants to get rid of it because he made love on it A couple of times.
Yeah, but he asked us what we thought.
They're so moronic, I don't even want to help them! [laughter.]
- But what--what--what I- - what I do like about it Is though people if--if- if people of america Are in a problem, I think the first three people they turn to Is ricky gervais, larry david, and madonna.
I think that is probably their first-- That's where they go.
They go, boom, get me one of them.
How much for all three? 95% of people who are together are having moronic problems.
Let's face it.
- Well, yeah.
I say he gets rid of the couch And she gets rid of the leg.
Get rid of the couch, get rid of the leg.
She can keep the urn though, surely.
- Yeah.
- Just pop that somewhere.
I think she just needs to get a nicer vase.
- Why not just- - maybe she should've saved The husband's head and put it on the dinner table.
[laughter.]
So you're saying-- I-I think get rid of the couch And the leg.
Get rid of the couch and the leg? Don can stay? - That's what I said.
Well, I'm agreeing with you.
Is there a problem there? [laughter.]
No.
For once, there isn't.
Okay, hold on.
And larry.
I say get rid of the couch, the leg, and the woman.
[laughter.]
Wait, wait, larry, you always want-- You--you always want- you don't like women.
I'm a misogynist.
What are you doing on this show? They didn't ask me if I was a misogynist.
[laughter.]
All right, I'm ready to make the call.
[bell rings.]
Let's go to mandeville, louisiana And bring up the present-day harpers In their past-life home.
[cheers and applause.]
Hey, guys.
Nice to have you here.
You look great.
Great to be here.
Thanks.
I think.
I love Larry.
- You love larry? See.
- But--but-- [cheers and applause.]
- and ricky and madonna.
I'm gonna have one- one of larry's legs Laying around one of these days.
[laughter.]
- See? - He's already got the socks.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
Larry was one of don's favorites So this is very special for don tonight In more ways than one.
[applause.]
Well, listen, we discussed the whole issue.
I actually--I actually think madonna had it--had it down.
She sees two problems and one thing that has to stay.
And, listen, susan hates the couch.
David hates the urn and the leg.
That's why I'm calling this one for don.
- Oh.
Okay.
Okay.
- Yeah.
I can handle that.
He's the one that has toisten to all this bickering.
He deserves his own place.
And everybody else deserves a fresh start too.
The couch goes, the leg goes, And, david, that smarmy King-of-the-sofa smirk on your face, That goes too.
Oh, I got to get rid of my smirk? Congratulations, don.
You win.
[cheers and applause.]
Yay.
How come--how come it never occurred to you To get rid of the leg and the couch? Compromise.
We're--we're both too hardheaded to compromise.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
No.
[laughter.]
When you divorce, it's a totally different story, Is it not? 'cause that person's still alive? No, exactly.
That is a very good point.
If he kept his ex-wife in an urn In the living room, that would be really weird.
- I'd be happy.
- Exactly.
[cackles.]
[applause.]
Well, congratulations, don.
Say good-bye to the harpers, everybody.
Thanks for being here.
All right, when we come back-- What happened to his leg? He's in the middle of it.
We're just interrupting now.
- Hold on.
- What happened to the what? I want to know what happened to his leg.
I thought I'd say this in my life, But not now, madonna.
[laughter.]
- You're just jealous.
- Well, I might be a little bit.
I'm gonna stroke your hand like it's an iguana.
This is easily the most uncomfortable hour I've ever spent in my life.
Why, 'cause you're sitting next to a woman Who's standing up to you? [cheers and applause.]
All right.
Next, let's gas up the seaplane And skim across the turquoise blue waters Of the gulf coast- - [stifled laughter.]
I'm so sorry.
I'm so--I'm so sorry.
Madonna started talking to me.
- He's doesn't-- - you know what's weird? He doesn't believe in marriage.
Not now, larry.
[laughter.]
It's time to watch the banners.
[cheers and applause.]
Laura and I met-- One time I was cooking up a lot of chili And my mom recommended I go down the street And borrow this cooking pot from her mother.
I was looking out the window.
Then I came downstairs and met him at the door When he returned the stew pot.
I'm a complex man.
We built him a cage.
He can stay outside.
How would you like to be outside With no clothes on right about now? I'm not a lizard.
[audience ohs.]
What do you think the ones that live in the wild do When it gets chilly? They don't live in cold places.
And when they do live in cold places, They start falling out of the trees.
How many people do you know That have a five-foot long iguana Roaming through their house? Our cats roam around the house.
They're cats! He's a domesticated lizard.
You want to take a bath? Iguana take a bath? That bathtub in there is not his personal swimming pool.
There's nothing wrong with spoiling my iguana With a little bit of enjoyment.
I swear.
Little hats.
Do you have a christmas hat on? - Little scarves.
- Iggy.
[kissing.]
I mean, look at this.
You're trying to create an environment for a lizard On the corner of my expensive leather sofa.
You hear how your daddy's talking to you? I'm not his daddy.
Don't refer to me as his daddy, okay? You are his daddy.
I don't appreciate that when you do it with the cats And I dang sure don't appreciate it When you do it with the lizard.
You can call yourself his mama all you want.
I am his mommy.
You spend a lot of time making sure that iggy is this, That, and the other.
"is he taken care of? Is he fed? Oh, got to get him a nice, warm bath.
" What's wrong with all that? I take care of my animals.
You kiss on him more than you kiss on me.
- Maybe so.
- Ah.
There's nothing wrong with me pampering him.
You're just jealous.
[laughter.]
Well, I might be a little bit, you know? Aren't you just so handsome in your little hat? - Panel.
- Oh.
I think the lizard's very phallic.
- What do you mean? - I'm just saying.
Actually, I know what madonna means.
That does look like a big [bleep.]
.
[laughter.]
It does.
It does.
But, you know, with all due respect To the lizard - Yeah.
Iggy.
His name's iggy.
Iggy.
The iguana.
It's--it's a lovely animal.
It's very cute as far as lizards go.
But honestly, in the house? I mean, that's insane.
- Yes, I think she should- - I-I-I love animals.
And I like the fact that she, you know, dotes on it And--and everything.
But I've got a bit of a problem with dressing them up And--and But people dress their dogs up.
What's wrong--I don't have a problem with it.
Where do you get all these lizards outfits? - Tom, don't you have kids? - I do have kids.
- Don't they have dolls? - They do.
So they're doll clothes.
It's not so weird.
It's not so weird? If my kids saw that picture right now, They would never want christmas to come again.
That's not true.
I bet if your kids saw that, they'd want a lizard.
You're wrong.
You don't know your kids.
You better go home.
[laughter.]
It's true.
My kids did see this and they loved it.
- See? - Yeah.
- Don't argue.
- But they're kids.
Can we wrap this up? I have to go to the bathroom.
[laughter.]
- so do I.
Larry, you're just mad 'cause there's no woman For you to slag off.
[laughs.]
Why is the lizard in the house? Why are the cats in the house? Pets are weird period.
[laughter.]
- Why are cats- - why are cats weird? Oh, 'cause I think Domesticating animals is weird--period.
That said, they have cats, so why can't they have a lizard? I think they need to get rid of the couch.
[laughter.]
I want to go to your house and see what couches you have.
- Get rid of that couch.
- You must have amazing couches.
I do.
How can anybody ever invite you over? You're so critical of furniture.
You're so critical of women.
I'm never inviting you over.
They should get a heterosexual roommate.
You know? Get a heterosexual roommate.
You'll have more fun.
You won't have the responsibilities.
And you're probably not having sex anyway.
So what is the point of the whole thing? You mean, just have a dude live with them? Live with a guy.
Yeah.
Roommate.
But, larry, we're supposed to be helping these people.
- You can't-- - you can't just-- Okay, let's just- we're supposed to be he-- Why look at me like that? That's very hateful, that look.
When they get divorced, you can talk to them.
I'm trying to encourage them to get divorced.
[laughs.]
no, I think that these guys Actually love each other.
I think he's just-- He's just got this giant lizard.
When they get on, let's ask if they have sex.
No.
Don't ask that.
Don't ask that.
Why? See, this is a typical british attitude.
They don't like talking about sex.
This is easily the most uncomfortable hour I've ever spent in my life.
Why, 'cause you're with a-- You're sitting next to a woman who's standing up to you? [cheers and applause.]
Larry.
I'm gonna stroke your hand like it's an iguana.
[laughter.]
Who would you rather live with at this point In your life, an iguana or a woman? - Or me.
- Me.
Definitely we'd be good heterosexual roommates, Wouldn't we? We'd be good hetero roommates.
- Wouldn't we? - Yes.
We'd be--yeah.
Let's do it.
It's a new show.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Let's get- - let's get our own show.
Yeah.
- The odd couple.
All right, when we come back, I'll be ready to make my call.
Everyone's excited to hear that, right? [cheers and applause.]
That's the problem with the marriage ceremony! They need to start putting more stuff in there! It's just sickness and health? [bleep.]
! [laughter.]
Welcome back to animal planet.
We're talking to the banners and their pet iguana iggy.
How many people do you know That have a five-foot long iguana Roaming through their house? He's gonna eat better than I am today.
I'm eating a tv dinner.
You're making him a catered gourmet salad.
Well, he's just like one of our children.
Way--way to keep your man happy.
Yeah.
Panelists, who do you think I should call this for? - This is a no-brainer.
- No-brainer.
I'm with you.
Come on.
High-five me.
Ow.
Ow.
- Ow.
What do you mean no-brainer? - Um - It's obvious.
- You must really hate women.
- Come on.
I don't have a problem with the lizard.
What? Are you serious? I am so serious.
Look how the husband's reacting to that! How could you say that? What's wrong with you? - Do not-- - you hate men! - Do not scream at me.
- You hate men! - No.
I-- - you're a man hater! I hate you.
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
Pele have all kinds of pets in their house.
And they dress them up in all kinds of crazy outfits.
And I don't have a problem- don't be a petist, okay? Let me--let me ask you something, okay? Let me ask you something.
- What? When these people got married, okay, And here's the wedding ceremony, And--and--and the, uh, and the minister says, "uh, do you take this guy, whatever, "to have and to hold till death do you part-- "oh, and by the way, You're gonna be living with a lizard as well.
" Yeah, but people-- things happen.
They've been married for 14 years.
- For better, for worse.
- Come on.
For better, for worse.
That's in the-- Exactly.
- So, ricky, are you saying- - are you deciding for the wife? Imagine if when you got married, Everything that would ever happen Would be in the contract.
It should be! It would take as long as your life--the contract.
That's the problem with the marriage ceremony! They need to start putting more stuff in there! There's not enough stuff in there.
It's just sickness and health? [bleep.]
! [laughter.]
Give me more stuff! But what though? Any, you know, more stuff! - But people never- - but people are always at their best When they first hook up.
- Yeah.
They never show their weirdness until later.
- Of course.
- Until you're stuck, And there's no prenup.
[laughter.]
An iguana's a little over the weirdness line.
I don't think there's a problem with an iguana.
No problem.
You're for the wife.
Ricky, bottom line.
Even though she shouldn't dress it up and--and--and And kiss it too much, 'cause that can I mean, there's--there's pet love And then there's wrongness.
Right.
So, larry, we have two for the wife.
Where do you fall? What, you're voting for the wife? - Yeah.
- Our hetero show is off.
[laughter.]
- So husband.
- I'm voting for the husband.
I'm--I'm--I'm sickened by this iguana in the house.
Okay, I'm ready to make the call.
[bell rings.]
Let's go to wesley chapel, florida And bring up the banners in their natural habitat.
[cheers and applause.]
Aw.
He's wearing a st.
Patrick's day hat? Good to see you guys.
Thanks for being on our show.
- Yeah.
How you doing, tom? - I'm doing all right.
All right, here's my call.
I've discussed your issue with the panel And I have to say mr.
Larry david and I Are seeing eye-to-eye on this one.
I think one thing is perfectly clear: You're living with a dragon From a '50s japanese monster movie.
So, laura, you have to put that thing back in his cage.
If not, three words: Takes like chicken.
[cheers and applause.]
Tony, you win.
- No, he doesn't.
No, he doesn't.
Two against two.
He's the final say! He's got final say! - I have the final say.
- Why? It doesn't make sense.
What are we here for? It was 2-1.
Why does he get the casting vote? You are my advisers, but I make the ruling.
You're not on the panel.
Didn't you read the contract? No, of course I didn't read the contract.
We're advisors! He's the judge! You're not on the panel.
I'm not on the panel.
I'm the ref.
It's not the marriage panel.
Yes.
Well, what are we here for? To advise me and give me wisdom.
And larry was right.
You don't take our advice.
You're fighting in front of the banners! Okay, wait a minute.
I love the-- I love the lizard.
I love the wife.
I love the--the husband.
He looks a bit like a fat jerry seinfeld.
I love him.
And I love them all.
But mostly, I love the lizard.
You love the lizard.
But he could be in a nice cage.
You go out and you visit him.
Why? Why? No cage? No cage! Nothing! Out of the house! - Just - No cage! Just throw him on the highway? - No.
- Yes! He takes him home.
Now he's not happy with it in a cage.
Now he's gonna just throw it onto the freeway.
This is what I mean.
Protect the lizard.
Bring him back to his native land! - Do you have a dog? - I had a dog.
They got divorced.
He didn't like it any more.
- I had two dogs.
Yes.
- Okay.
So? And they--they both died.
[laughter.]
- Hey, tony.
- Yes.
Yes.
Is there anything that you would like to explain to us Of why living with this lizard is so awful? Tell madonna.
- Yeah.
'cause I don't have a problem with it.
Listen, there's house pets.
There's cats, dogs, the goldfish.
This is a lizard living in my house.
Wait, can I say something, please, 'cause I have a fact? Sure.
Go ahead.
He's the one who brought the lizard home.
- That's right.
- He brought the lizard home.
- Oh, now you tell us! - That's right.
- I'm changing my vote.
- Oh, good.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I brought the lizard home in a cage.
I'm changing my vote.
He brought the lizard home in a cage.
- He's changing his vote.
- Wait, listen to tony.
This is, like, 12 angry men.
He's changing his vote.
- I'm changing my vote.
- Listen to tony.
Wait.
I brought the lizard home in a cage With all the proper equipment to take care of it.
- Right.
- The cage was too small.
But I did not know it was going to turn out to be My wife's personal project That takes all of our attention away.
- He's-- - hold on, banners.
Let me talk with the panel one more time, please.
No.
Definitely not.
Definitely not.
What do we do? Larry? [laughs.]
- Should we change it? - It's his fault.
- Can we change it? - He brought the lizard-- Yes, change your vote.
Yes.
He brought it into the house! Yes! I vote for her.
Thank god, the man is not insane.
- Yes.
- Banners [cheers and applause.]
What? - Banners, the panel- -the panel has helped me see the light.
The lizard stays.
- Good.
Yay! - Oh.
Now.
Say good-bye to the banners, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
- oh.
Thank you.
Makes sense.
Kind of.
You see what a magnanimous fellow I am? Thank you, larry david, you're a kind soul.
Not.
[cheers and applause.]
He's in love with the mother.
He should move in with her and start sleeping with her.
- Bye, everybody.
- And here's one other thing-- See you later.
[laughter.]
All right, let's hit our turn signal And merge into the fast lane Along the futuristic long island expressway For a carefree zoom out to albertson, new york To meet the spiegels- three of them-- That are locked in some kind of woody allen thunderdome.
There was the relationship line In new york magazine.
And we both had ads on.
And she listened to my ad.
She liked my voice.
When I saw her, I think my jaw must've dropped From here to cleveland.
We really, really got along very, very well.
I've always had my mother as a confidant.
She's been, uh, by my side through thick and through thin.
She's very judgmental.
She's critical.
She's been terrific for me.
She talks about everybody.
- She's my rock.
- I don't like her.
Frankly speaking, uh, I never ate in a home where they serve me Paper plates and paper cups.
She resents the fact that you and I talk to each other.
Yeah, but how does she know that you confide in me? I told her that I confide in you.
- Well, this is maybe- - it's a little mistake.
What a mother and son speaks, this is just for your ear.
You being a psychiatrist, It's totally unacceptable - What? - That you speak tyour mother.
- He's a psychiatrist.
It is unacceptable.
I can't have secrets from her.
I don't feel honest.
I really, really trust you.
But when it comes to speaking to your mother, I don't trust you.
You know why? Because she has a way of needling you.
You know, clive, in a way, I think you are a little bit yellow bellied coward.
Socially, you're a flop.
You're eating yourself into the grave too.
-You're 45 years old, clive.
If you don't have sex now with your wife, When will you have it? - [groans.]
- When? - [groans and laughter.]
- Listen to me.
- Wait a minute.
Just a minute.
You can talk in a minute.
You stick up for your mother more than you-- More than you stick up for me.
I talk to you and I talk to her.
So maybe I'm the one who's setting up the problem.
- Maybe? - Go see a therapist.
Well, that--that might help it.
That might help it.
I think maybe she should see a therapist.
I'm the only one who knows your pain.
You don't need a therapist.
You have a mother.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
So the issue here is who do you see As the real troublemaker out of these three? This is cut and dry.
That's--I mean-- If we vote, can we get rid of the mother? You're not allowed to vote And get rid of the mother, are you? To get rid of the mother? It's not like the leg or the urn.
Larry, you can't slag off the woman in this sit-- The wife in this situation.
He's torn though.
He's torn, you see.
This is the oedipus complex run amok here.
Right.
This guy's in love with his mother.
Okay? And the wife has no chance here.
No chance.
- Why? He's in love with the mother.
He should move in with her and start sleeping with her.
- Bye, everybody.
- And here's one other thing-- [laughter.]
- see you later.
- And wait a second, larry.
- And then she criticized him.
She calls him a fat pig.
- A pig.
- Yeah.
- "socially, you're a flop.
" I think that turns him on.
I think he likes to be abused.
And here's something that no one else is thinking about.
People pay him for advice.
He's a therapist.
He's a psychiatrist and a neurologist.
A psychiatrist and a neurologist.
- And a neurologist.
- Oh, my god.
They're not having sex.
She said they don't have sex.
The mother.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, this--this-- Imagine confiding that to your mother.
- How do you- -how does she know? I know.
Who would talk to their mother like that? Well, this freaked me out.
This is worse than a prosthetic leg In a closet.
- Much worse.
I wouldn't tell my mother what I had for dinner.
No.
Really.
This part freaked me out.
Can we watch it again? You're 45 years old, clive.
If you don't have sex now with your wife, When will you have it? Well, it's when she says now, Like she wants him to jump on her In front of her.
Go.
Now.
You must have sex with your wife now.
Well, she's kind of like a bond villain, Isn't she, the mother? - Yeah.
She's, like [russian accent.]
this is an ignorant girl.
She must be destroyed.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
I-I think it's kind of sad.
Because without the mother, I think they'd be a good couple.
They would? I think the mother's destroying this relationship.
Of course.
Of course.
Definitely.
- No.
Excuse me.
Wrong.
- Yeah.
He's destroying it.
He has to take responsibility.
He needs to throw the mother out.
[cheers and applause.]
here we go again.
He is blaming the woman again.
No.
No, I'm not.
No, I'm not.
No.
No.
No, I think it's different.
I think it's different this time.
Your misogyny knows no bounds.
No, I don't think he's blaming the woman.
All right, hold on.
When we come back, we'll sort out this mess.
He should stand up and say "I'm not discussing Having sex with my wife with you any more, mom.
" So we have three distinct wacky characters here.
The spiegels.
You are a mama's boy.
I think that she was jealous of our relationship.
[audience ohs.]
- panel.
- It's all a mess.
- Yeah.
It was destined.
You could tell from the time he was four That he's been like that.
I-I think he's getting to the root of it That, obviously, she sort of made him like that.
And she's still dominating him.
Yeah, but he's a shrink.
Hasn't he done enough self-examination? Hasn't he worked out his oedipal issues? They're the most screwed up people of all.
- But he's trapped.
- Ugh.
But, of course there's something wrong.
But why did he- why is he going on television When he's a psychiatrist? He's got to go to work.
Why are any of them going on television! Why are we on television? 'cause they've got nothing to lose.
All they've got to lose is a leg.
He's got a career to lose.
I-I think the wife is, uh, innocent here.
You think the wife is innocent? - Yes.
- Yes.
- It's the wife.
- I think she's being really a-- - She's in a tough position.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- It is tough.
All right, ricky, who's right here? Who's wrong? Husband or the wife? The wife's done nothing wrong.
She's done nothing wrong.
She's put up with it.
- So she's innocent.
- You're in favor of the wife.
He should stand up and say "I'm not discussing-- "I'm not discussing having sex with my wife With you any more, mom.
" That's--that's the first thing he should say.
And the--and the-- but the-- So you've got--you've got to rule in favor of the wife.
There's no doubt about it.
The wife.
Madonna.
I'm not telling you the answer 'cause you know it.
Secret message received.
[laughter.]
The, um [laughter.]
If he lues his life [laughter.]
The--the mother should not be allowed into that house.
And--and if she is, she should be muzzled.
[laughs.]
all right.
Thank you very much.
I'm ready to make the call.
[bell rings.]
Let's go to albertson, new york, And bring up the cast of throw momma from the train.
[laughter.]
Spiegels! [cheers and applause.]
Thanks for being on our show.
You guys look all jazzed up and great.
- Thank you.
- We did it just for you.
All right.
Here's my call.
There's a lot of guys who get trapped Living in the aura of their mommies.
But, clive, you're a doctor.
You married a woman.
Rule 1: The only time I want you talking to your mom Is on her birthday, mother's day, And sundays for 15 minutes.
That's it.
Jacqueline, you win.
- Thank you.
[applause.]
Anything you'd like to ask the spiegels Before we bid them good night? I just feel that we've achieved something tonight.
You do? Now I think we're gonna go into business, us three.
I think this is--this is the dream team for therapy.
Any problems.
- It started crazy.
And now it makes perfect sense.
We can do anything you want.
We're just up for hire.
I want to know who chose the tie.
- Yeah.
- Who dressed you-- Who dressed you tonight, clive? "who dressed you?" I actually managed to put it together on my own.
- Ooh.
- Ask him if he chose the tie.
Does madonna approve of my choice of the fire read? [laughter.]
Where's mom now? In the closet? [laughter.]
- Almost.
Almost.
- You're a psychiatrist? - I'm a psychiatrist.
- Well, good luck tomorrow.
Say good-bye to the spiegels, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you very much.
And for being such great sports tonight, All our couples will receive a romantic second honeymoon Furnished by royal caribbean international.
[cheers and applause.]
So that's our show.
We'd like to thank our panel of experts, Larry david, ricky gervais, and madonna.
)e [cheers and applause.]
And escially to all our couples tonight, Thank you for letting us into your marriage.
It's worth fighting for.
Now kiss and make up.
Good night, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]