The Men's Room (1991) s01e03 Episode Script

1 It's seven o'clock on Tuesday 29 June.
Argentina has formally accepted the United Nations Security Council's Resolution 502 calling for an end to all hostilities in the Falklands.
Later today the strategic arms reduction talks, START, open in Geneva.
The Americans say they are guardedly optimistic that negotiations with the Soviet Union may lead to positive progress in reducing arms.
In Beirut, Syrian troops have pulled back leaving the Israelis intact on their front line on the mountains overlooking the city and holding the road to Damascus secure.
NFT tonight, 8:30.
I'll meet you in the usual place, all right? - What are we going to see? - Casablanca.
Don't tell me the end.
The rail strike which began yesterday as a protest against principal rostering led to nothing.
The poll conducted by the NOP and the Observer gives Dr David Owen a substantial lead Come on, baby.
in the leadership fight for the newly formed SDP.
The Prince and Princess of Wales have named their first child, born last week in St Mary's Hospital, Paddington, William Arthur Mark, these are the preliminary results of my research.
- Can you run an eye over them? - Certainly, Ivan.
- What was the subject again? - Shoplifting.
If he calls us "ladies", I'll kill him.
Ladies.
Delia, well done.
Right on time.
Good girl.
- Morning, chaps.
- Listen I've got a problem.
Between his plants and his computers, he must lead an entirely non-verbal life.
- He talks to his plants.
- Does he think they talk back? - They do.
- Of course they do.
- Any calls from Stockholm? - No.
Will you try them again? And will you get me coffee? Can't we put cleaning the tearoom back on the cleaners' list? It's not my fault, it's the cuts.
And they agreed to clean up after themselves.
I can tell you're married! - Delia! - It is not her fault.
A 50% response rate? No man is going to tell a young female the intimate details of his smallest, most private activities, no matter how paltry.
In fact, the more paltry, the less likely he is to tell.
Well, couldn't she change her image? That's unethical.
Do you want to argue ethics with a New York publisher? In three months, I'm due in New York with preliminary interview data from Paris, Amsterdam, Rome and Stockholm.
That's probably Stockholm on the phone right now.
I don't want London being the odd one out.
Mavis! Mavis! You get that response rate up to 80% or you'll be smartening your image up on the dole queue, understand? Hello? - Can I talk to you? - Certainly.
- He slept with Shelley.
- What? - James's secretary.
She's pregnant.
- Hang on, hang on.
Would you close the door after you? Leave it alone, you stupid bastard.
- Mark.
- Hello.
Over there.
You give yourself so much pain.
I understand your point of view, honestly I do.
But If you're not sleeping with him and if he's not making you Why do you need a divorce? You've got to be practical.
You can't support yourself.
He'll miss the children.
You're not expecting me to leave Jane? Because we agreed in the beginning.
I did this for me.
For me! It has nothing to do with us.
Please! I'm your examiner.
If anyone suspected Take a couple of days.
- Take the weekend.
- Shelley is pregnant.
Shit.
I can't live with him.
I can't.
I won't be a problem.
I won't make any demands, I promise.
Do you think I'm worried about that? I'm not.
I'm worried about you and I'm worried about the children.
I love you.
Concentrate on your work.
You know? Proofread your thesis, prepare for your viva.
That's the thing.
And maybe James will decide to stay.
God! Look at this! Just look! Right One day a week, each of you is responsible for cleaning up.
One day.
It's not much to ask.
Steve, today is your day.
Steve? Steve! Look at this, will you? Just look.
Oh, and Stockholm rang.
- Should be in a position to talk next week.
- They said that last time.
Horrid little boy.
- Don't you ever think of anyone else? - Why can't you keep your cock to yourself? You know I love you.
You bastard! You shit! - You're selfish and I hate you.
- I love you.
- You hurt people.
- Who do you think you are? Jane, darling? - I'm sorry.
- It's all right, darling.
- Are you OK? - Yes, I'm fine.
Come on, give me a kiss.
- Bad day? - No, no.
Yes.
No.
Come on.
Let's just go home.
But it's - Casablanca.
You like it.
- It will be on telly again.
- But you love it.
- Yes.
And I love you.
Come on, home.
- OK? - OK.
Good of you to choose a Saturday.
That was really thoughtful.
- Especially after waiting a whole month.
- Don't worry.
I won't steal anything of yours.
That's yours.
You can reach me here.
See you next weekend.
You can come and stay with us, OK? Good girl.
- Get off! - Get out of my way, then! There's plenty of room.
- You selfish, ugly brat.
- You smelly pig.
- Now, now.
Don't talk like that.
- To your rooms, all of you.
Go on.
I hope you're satisfied.
Wish Shelley good luck.
She'll need it.
I could cut the grass and take out the rubbish.
I suppose I could get a Saturday job.
Daddy said he'll take us to the zoo next weekend.
Don't worry.
I'll take care of him.
So, what does anyone want to do, then? Picnic? Swimming? - Hello? - I've got to see you right now.
- What? - I'm just feeling terrible.
What's wrong? What happened? - Well, he's cleared out.
- Oh, no.
- My kids are so upset.
- I'm sorry.
Honestly, I am.
If I could get away I would, but - You could come over.
- How can I? Jane is here all day.
If you loved me, you'd try.
I do love you.
That's not the point.
- When am I going to see you? - What about dinner on Monday night? - OK.
- Yeah? - Only if you love me.
- OK.
I do! I think about you all the time but, look, you must never call me here.
Then how am I Wrong number.
Hello.
My, my, you've grown.
Mamma, it's horrid Mark.
Hello, horrid Mark.
- We're eating here? - Yes, the babysitter let me down.
I'm sorry.
Rachel! - They're all in bed.
- You've finished your thesis.
Yes.
And I've started a new paper.
It probably won't come to anything but you did say, "Concentrate on your work.
" I find this a bit difficult.
You find it a bit difficult? Look, I've got bills and a house to run and the children.
Their teachers tell me divorce is the norm but watch out for signs of a nervous breakdown.
Tom has psoriasis, Rachel's wetting the bed.
All I want is a bit of reassurance and I can't speak to you because you're at home with your wife.
I told you Come here.
We agreed in the beginning that neither would put pressure on the other and you would do what you had to do and I would do the same.
I know, but things were different then.
Our situations were different.
I mean, they were the same.
Oh, shit! Do you still sleep with her? Oh, dear! Let's go upstairs.
Yeah? - That's your solution to everything.
- Yup.
Can't you come? No, I can't.
It's the children.
And you were quiet.
It's the children! You'd better hurry.
Your wife mustn't worry.
I'm sorry.
I just get so jealous.
Well, don't.
- You trust me.
- I'd love to.
Morning, Ivan.
Good God! - What on earth's going on? - Sorry.
We needed a mirror.
That's all right.
Where on earth did you get that? Women's Liberation jumble sale in Hornsey.
Just the non-threatening image the male interviewees require.
- It will frighten them to death.
- Oh, don't! Oh, shit! Well, what is there to lose? Even if I drive the response down, they can only sack me once.
- See you later.
- Yeah.
See you.
- You've finished your thesis.
- Yes, viva in a couple of weeks.
I'm already stoked up on Valium.
By that time I should be catatonic.
You'll be fine.
What you need is some company.
Take yourself out of yourself.
There's a women's meeting at Conway Hall this weekend.
Some good speakers.
Why don't you come? No.
We're not bearded and jack-booted, you know.
We even laugh occasionally.
No.
The kids go away at weekends, don't they? - Yes.
- So? What else are you going to do? Oh, all right.
Our mothers and grandmothers withered and died in factories, in the home, in endless childbirth.
Because no matter what our class, women served men.
Well, today we are no longer disenfranchised members of mankind but active, fully paid-up members of humankind.
Today we can be ourselves.
We can be doctors, lawyers, plumbers, carpenters.
And we can be mothers, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, daughters.
But above all we can be sisters.
- The next one's really brilliant.
- Oh, right.
It was so interesting.
It wasn't at all what I expected.
It was fun.
- It was great not having any men around.
- Bloody women! Get out the way! I'm sorry.
I keep going on about it.
No, it's just, I never knew getting pregnant was going to be so difficult.
Listen, this is going to be fine.
Lovely.
We'll see you then, Mrs Ross.
Bye-bye.
- Thank you.
- Mrs Lawrence.
If you'd like to take a seat, we shouldn't keep you too long.
Mrs Cards, would you like to come along with me? It's so stupid.
It's not as if it's anybody's fault.
You can tell you've had kids.
Every month isn't one nearer death, it's a step further away from life.
Oh, stop it.
Listen, when you've got kids, they're not the whole of your life.
And you mustn't make not having them the whole of your life.
You mustn't make anything the whole of your life.
He won't leave her? I thought after Amsterdam and all that you know.
I thought that would shake him up a bit.
- Nothing's happened.
I mean, it's OK but - Are they still sleeping together? No.
- Did they before? - Dunno.
Well, if they did before and don't now, she'll know.
Look, the only thing that stops a man is fear, death or another woman.
Why doesn't she sling him out, then? Because, like us, she's afraid that the truth will destroy her.
Because, like us, she'd rather destroy herself by living a lie.
Mrs Lawrence? Would you like to come with me? - See you.
- See you.
Well, I think we should have a toast, yeah? To an excellent thesis, an excellent viva, and a new doctor in the department, Dr Walton.
- Well done.
- Congratulations, Charity.
And to your 90% response rate.
- Yes, absolutely.
Well done, Delia.
- Well done.
So, tell us about this lecture you're going to give in Evian.
Ah, well, that's nothing really.
Is Sebastian Marcel going to be there? He's supposed to be spectacular.
- What about the children? - They do have a father.
- Yes, James is taking them.
- All of them? Who's for another? First, my secretary keels over and then my mistress you know, deserts me.
I mean, what do you want to do? We can do it.
- We can call it off.
- I'm only doing what you do.
You travel, you're independent.
You're going to New York next month.
I am not independent.
I always go home.
You choose not to stay with me.
- Do you want to screw around? - What? Women only ever discuss independence when they want to screw around.
- I don't believe this! - Obviously I'm not enough for you.
Look, I don't have you.
I haven't even got half of you.
Well, this is bloody killing me.
She's not stupid, your Jane.
She's clinging onto you by giving you four-course meals in a pristine home and making quite sure you feel guilty.
I am not going to leave a woman who has never done me any harm.
I will try ringing you from Evian but I'm not promising anything.
Oh, can't you see You belong to me How my poor heart aches With every step you take Every move you make Every vow you break How was your flight? All right? Every smile you fake, every claim you stake The weather? Is it nice there? Since you've gone I've been lost without a trace I dream at night I can only see your face I look around but it's you I can't replace I feel so cold and I long for your embrace I keep crying Baby, baby please I think I'll walk off dinner.
Oh, I'll come with you.
Well, she must be there.
It's nearly midnight your time.
Oh, can't you see You belong to me How my poor heart aches - Hello.
- You're late.
- I didn't think you'd be able to get away.
- I phoned you last night and this morning.
Well, last night we were at the casino and this morning I was in the lecture room.
- Checking out the slides.
- Do you expect me to believe that? You can believe anything you like.
- There's no food.
- Thank Christ! - How did your lecture go? - Very well, thanks.
- Were you nervous? - Yeah.
Who were you with last night? Who were you with last night? So I hurt Jane, I hurt the children.
Do you want a relationship built on guilt and pain? And with what guarantees? You got rid of one husband.
- Why wouldn't you get rid of me? - Because we love one another.
But if we go on like this, it won't last.
And me leaving Jane is the only way, yeah? Yes.
OK.
So, I'll write to her.
From New York.
Find a way of ending it.
But just tell me one thing.
Why doesn't any of this make me feel happy? He'll be taking off in about an hour.
And I couldn't see him off because Jane was.
Do you really think he'll tell her? I've thought about getting a new job.
If we're living together we won't want to work together and if we're not Is it still bad? It feels like they've taken a pneumatic drill to me.
Perhaps they have.
Still, if it works, I may be able to conceive without the IVF.
Look, I'm not saying it won't work, but - Would you adopt? - No way.
- What time are the kids back? - Six.
Except it will be seven because James is always late.
Still, he does take them every weekend so I can't complain.
Has he told you about California yet? - Do you still see him? - Of course.
He's still our friend.
- He's been asked to run the LA office.
- Is he going? Oh, well.
I suddenly feel rather abandoned.
The snow is melting on the sunny streets of Manhattan.
Find yourself a Santa Claus.
Give him what you can.
That will make your Christmas special.
Then call me and let's talk about another kind of snow that doesn't melt, the kind that blows you away - cocaine.
It takes out children, friends, people we love - Would you like some soup? - I don't like soup.
Well, then, what shall we have? What about having a bake? - I'll make a big kedgeree.
- Yes! Would you like that? Hello.
I'm Mark Carleton.
I have an appointment with David Lester.
We've been expecting you.
- This way.
- Thank you.
- Flight OK? - Yes, thank you.
Fine.
- Snowing out? - No, but cold.
Thank you.
That's not what I asked for.
Yeah.
Professor.
Great to meet you.
Gina Kennedy.
David's told me so much about you.
Is David going to be late? - Didn't they tell you? - No.
David's moved upstairs.
Editor-in-chief.
I'm your new editor.
Aren't I lucky? Honestly, it's on my way.
Don't worry about it.
I'd like to maybe have a - Anyway, thank you for - It's this way, right? Or - I'm sorry about the print-outs.
- Hey, don't worry.
If I'd realised I'll tell you what, I could have the porter bring them down.
Hey, I'm a very strong girl.
I can carry them.
Yeah, I'm sure you can.
I can, really.
I could bring them tomorrow.
For you.
Do you know what I think? I think that I've waited long enough already.
I'll get the print-outs.
I really could use a drink, you know.
Friday 17 December.
Latest reports say inflation is down to 6.
3% and still dropping.
Following an eight-month dispute with the NHS, leaders of the nurses' union have accepted a 19-month 12.
3% pay deal.
In London, in Jubilee Gardens on the South Bank a peace camp has been set You'd think after three marriages I'd learn, right? But life isn't the same without a man.
You know what I mean? Look, this is really awfully good of you but you know You know? Well Do you know what? David told me all the fun you boys get up to doing your basic book research.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You know what? For all you lovers out there I just love being one of the boys.
Thank you.
I mean, I'm sure, really Any other time would be - Would be? - Great.
Great.
But I have a problem bad, which is my back - Jack had that.
- Jack? - My second husband.
- Oh, yeah? He used to lie on the floor for days sometimes.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- You know what he liked best? - No, what did he like.
Massage.
Even in front of the judge he said he'd missed my massages.
He said that? That sweet thing? So, why don't you come over here.
- Yeah.
And why don't you lie down over there and - I'll take care of everything, OK? - Yeah? Yeah.
- Take off your clothes.
- Right.
Thank you.
Oh, darling! You must be exhausted.
I've missed you so much.
The girls have gone to stay the night with Ruth.
I'm doing mussels in white wine.
I thought you wouldn't want anything heavy.
All right? I'll pour you a nice big drink, shall I? OK.
It's not my fault that the letter wasn't sent.
I don't know.
I don't know why I want to live with you at all.
- But, Charity, I love you.
- Yes, well, prove it.
Otherwise, I'm taking a sabbatical, from you, from the college, from life.
- I don't know what to tell her.
- Recite the letter.
- I threw it away.
- Start with "I'm leaving.
" That should dig you a hole even you can't get out of.
I mean it.
If you won't tell her, I will.
Yes? Mrs Carleton? Yes.
My name's Charity Walton.
Look, there's no polite way of putting this.
Your husband and I are lovers.
Tea or coffee? I never thought I'd take a man from another woman.
I know it must hurt and I'm very sorry but But that's just the way it is.
Why do you want him? Because I love him.
What's that got to do with it? You obviously don't or you wouldn't ask.
On the contrary, I do love him.
It's just that he doesn't love me.
He never has.
And that's why he's never left me and I don't believe he ever will.
Well, he is now.
Has he told you about all the others? Oh, yes.
I always know, of course.
He starts bringing me flowers.
And then the women go away and the flowers stop, and we're all right for a bit.
Your husband left you, I believe.
We left each other, actually.
And now you want to live with a man who fucks everything that moves? He hasn't had anyone else since we've been together.
Well, he's had, as you so nicely put it, me.
One of the best things about our relationship is quite simply that he needs me and so he'll never go off me.
There'll always be dirty socks, empty stomachs.
So if I were you, I'd just go away and forget the whole thing.
Hello, my darling.
How are you? They said just a few days and you'll be fine.
You know, just to be sure that everything is out of your system and you'll be fine.
I'm so sorry.
I wouldn't I wouldn't do anything in the world to hurt you.
You know that.
Get out.
I want you out.
- I'll come tomorrow.
- Out of the house.
Out of my life.
I don't want to see you again ever.
I meant what I say, Mark.
Believe me.
Thank you for coming.
How is she? She asked me to move out.
- Do you want to come and stay with me? - That would be something, if it's OK.
What about when she asks you to move back? I doubt very much that she's going to ask me to move back in.
That's not what I asked.
You've the family, a career.
You enjoy living on your own and anyway Things don't have to change.
Charity! Charity! Understand You bastard! You arrogant pig! You come to me Like a child That's lost its way You make me laugh and make me cry With the words that you say Will your love be around for a while Or be gone with the dawn and a smile I am a woman One day I'm gonna fly And if I say that I want you to stay Will you Will you steal my whole life away I am a woman Don't you know that I am a woman Oh, I said, I am a woman And one day I'm gonna fly