The Millers (2013) s01e03 Episode Script

Knock-knock! Good morning.
Mom, all I'm saying is, if I'm gonna drive you places, you can't just stick your head out the window and offer rides to complete strangers.
She was cute, you're single, I didn't know she was homeless until she smiled.
I'm just gonna, uh, gonna grab some Febreze and a rag.
Have fun at school.
And remember, the bus is free, don't let the driver trick you again.
Ok? Debbie, your father called me last night.
He thinks when the movers packed our stuff they stole his socks.
Why would someone steal his socks? Everyone has feet, Debbie.
Well, look at sleepyhead, just waking up.
When we were married, I had him out of bed by 6:00.
My main incentive was beating her to the toilet.
Well, he got a book yesterday on the Civil War.
He was up all night.
You can never let him have history books after 9:00.
He'll never go down.
I can stay up as late as I like.
What's that thing your buddy Ray says? Uh I'm an ass-grown something Grown-ass man? I'm a grown assman.
A grown assman who, if he doesn't take his pills by 8:00 a.
m.
, gets even more dizzy and foggy-headed than he already is.
Find his pills.
I'll go look through the boxes in the basement and see if I can solve this sock mystery.
Your family plan is eligible for a phone upgrade.
What was that? It's my personal assistant app on my phone.
Did she say you're getting a new phone? Yeah, I'm getting a new phone tonight, which means you are eligible for my old phone.
Yes! I love phone-me-downs.
I finally get a phone with apps.
The only game this phone plays is Catch.
Catch, Adam.
I get your phone? That is awesome.
It's gonna be nice to have a phone with a "7" button that works again.
You know, I can't call America's Most Wanted.
Found your socks.
For some reason, you packed them with a bunch of seashells.
Gonna throw 'em in the wash.
Your feet smell enough like low tide as it is.
What are you doing? Thinking about breakfast.
You're gonna have salad dressing for breakfast? I haven't ruled it out.
Wh Just sit down.
I'll make you some eggs.
You're absolutely useless.
When you had the bright idea to divorce me, did you ever consider how you were gonna feed yourself? Perhaps I thought "slow death by salad dressing" was preferable.
The plan is under Nathan Miller.
You probably recognize the name.
My son's a TV reporter, uh, so if there are any extra perks for people on television Mom Oh, here you are.
Ooh, looks like you're eligible for not one but five upgrades.
See? It worked.
I'm sorry, did you say we have five upgrades? Does that mean that we all can get Now, hold on, hold on.
They're not our upgrades, they're my upgrades.
I like to hold onto them in case I break or lose my phone.
It means I don't have to pay to replace it, so Just just the one phone.
My son's very sensible when it comes to money.
You know, he's also single.
Do you have a sister who's maybe I don't know, a little more put together than you are? Mom.
Mom.
I'm sorry.
She grew up near power lines.
Where were you? I bought some shorts.
They looked great on the mannequin.
Well, they look ridiculous on the dummy.
What the hell's going on with your socks? They don't match.
They're both black.
Close enough.
Close enough? You look like a crazy man! Okay, Mom, just let it be.
Easy for you to say.
I didn't spend my whole day yesterday doing the laundry so he could come in here looking like a German tourist with a wooden leg.
Look, Mom, you're not married anymore.
You don't have to do Dad's laundry.
Who else is going to do it? Him? Without me, he's a disaster.
Last week he tried to fold his own clothes, got his head stuck in a turtleneck and somehow ended up in the neighbor's pool.
That was wild.
Their dog was freaking out.
Look, we all know that Dad has challenges when it comes to living.
But you're kind of the reason that he's like this.
Excuse me? Oh, it's it's something that both Debbie and I were were discussing.
What was it, Debbie, that your point was? Well, we agreed, actually, that maybe the reason Dad never learned how to survive on his own because you were always yelling at him, and pushing him out of the way and doing everything for him.
That that was the point you were making, Nathan, I believe.
You don't have to take care of Dad anymore.
Okay? You're separated now.
Live your own life.
Go get your groove back.
Go to Jamaica.
Find your Taye Diggs.
Right, yeah.
And if if Dad needs help, I'll be there to gently and lovingly provide some guidance.
Okay.
You do that.
'Cause it's so easy.
All he needs is a little loving guidance.
Nice knowing you, Tom.
He'll be dead in a week.
Look, Mom, Dad is not an idiot.
Okay? He was lead engineer at North America's number two manufacturer of non-woven fabrics.
The guy practically invented the moist towelette.
Our father is a smart, capable man who, if left to his own What's going on over there, Dad? It appears I forgot to pay for the shorts.
We're gonna have to see your I.
D.
Oh I I must've I left my wallet in my pants.
Where are my pants? Oh! You might want to try the ladies' dressing room.
They hustled me out of there in a hurry.
Dead in a week.
Knowing how much your mom still does for your dad, are we nervous about letting him make breakfast alone? What do you think, my dad's going to burn down the house? Yes.
Look, all I'm suggesting is that maybe there's a polite way that we could ask him to stay in the yard.
We could put some food in the shade.
- Morning, Dad.
- Morning.
So, I've got everything ready for you to make your own breakfast.
Okay, I've got a bowl, spoon, milk and choice of cereals.
Ooh, I don't like cereal.
It's like dog food for people.
Okay.
Uh, what did you have in mind? Well, could you show me how to make a homemade biscuit? Oven.
Adam Well, biscuits are a pretty complex recipe, Dad.
Good point.
I also like a nice western omelet.
Stove.
Oh, omelets are easy.
Yes.
Yeah.
Um We got the pan right there, non-stick spray, eggs - Great.
- Great.
So we're gonna head to work.
How much of the egg goes in the actual omelet? Um all of it.
Uh, and and, uh there's no, uh no feathers in here, obviously.
Obviously.
And the the same knob that turns the heat on turns it off, right? That was crazy.
Don't answer that one.
I'm good.
Yes, you are good.
And we have faith in you, Dad.
Okay! Okay.
This is exactly what he needs to build his confidence, you know? People who trust him enough not to hover over him.
Oh, wait a minute.
I forgot my purse.
You go on ahead.
I'm just gonna hover for a bit.
Wow, that's a lot of beads.
Tell me you did not earn those at Mardi Gras.
These are my craft supplies.
Now that I'm not spending all my days shouting at your father, I can express my emotions in a more creative way.
By the way, what color would you like your toaster sweater to be? Is "invisible" an option? Doesn't matter.
Probably won't have time to pick out a color anyway before your sister calls and begs me to take over again.
Look, she's gonna be fine with Dad.
Debbie is the most patient person I know.
She used to walk her turtle.
Oh, it's Debbie.
Here we go.
Pack it up.
Hey, Debbie.
How's it going? He got egg on my ceiling.
No way.
Dad made breakfast.
It's my fault.
I tried to flip the eggs in the pan real high like in the cartoons.
Yeah.
Except it's pancakes they flip.
And it's cartoons.
They're they're laughing about how delicious it was.
So, other than breakfast, how's it going? Yeah, well, he, uh, flooded my laundry room by using too much soap.
He ruined my favorite moccasins! I got married in these.
What?! Did he? Dad did his own laundry.
Wait, Dad.
Dad, are you dizzy? Did you take your pills this morning? Not yet.
So go take 'em before you pass out.
I think they're in my pants.
So go get your pants.
That's gonna be tough.
They're in the washing machine.
Are you kidding me?! Seriously, Dad, you washed your pills?! How do you not feel a giant pill bottle in your pocket when you're taking off your pants?! There's a spatula in here! Why is there a spatula in here?! Well, it sounds like you got it all under control.
Get over here, Nathan! I can't do this on my own! Adam was right.
We should've put you in the yard.
You need to be an outside dad! Adam, do you have half a heart pill? I have two quarter-crumbs that would combine for a dose.
This is either half a pill or Mikayla's baby tooth we never found.
Just give it to him.
You don't know what it is.
Just eat it, okay? Best case, you lower your blood pressure.
Worst case, the tooth fairy leaves a quarter in your toilet.
What's going on? You've had Dad for three hours and you've turned into Mom.
She's worse than Mom.
She slapped me.
I was gonna punch him, but at the last second I opened my hand, so I should be congratulated.
Okay.
Well, calm down, calm down.
I can see what's going on here.
Somebody's got a little too much Mom in her.
Excuse me? Look, Mom is who she is and you being her daughter, it only makes sense that you share some of the same DNA that makes her so frightening.
Okay.
You want him? He's all yours.
Mom, pack a bag.
You're going to Debbie's.
Dad's staying with me until he can learn to live on his own.
Why is your ear red? She slapped me.
Good for her.
Dad, I know you're a smart guy, so what's the deal? I guess I'm just a little forgetful and clumsy and easily distracted.
There's a fourth one I was gonna say, but it escapes me.
Smart guy, acts dumb.
What if he's got that Rain Man genius thing? Hear me out, man.
We could clean it up at all the casinos.
How many chips did I just pour on the table? Eee! Come on, Nate! We could get rich! You a rain man! Tom, you are a rain man! A card-counting, casino-crushing rain man! Maybe it's more like 60.
Could be a hundred.
That was a fun half minute.
Look, Dad, how did you function at work all those years? Mom wasn't there with you.
Well, non-woven fabrics has always come naturally to me.
But my secretary helped me out with the real tricky stuff like dialing outside lines, where we kept the bathroom key.
Yeah, Edna! She was great.
And she never yelled.
Well, sure, because she was being paid.
You don't think we could hire her, do you? I'd love to see her.
She must be in her late Yeah, I don't know if Edna's the answer, but you know, maybe hiring someone is.
We just need to find somebody to constantly follow you around and help you get through your day without slapping you on the side of the head.
I was gonna recommend my cousin till you mentioned the slapping part.
Remember to pick up your dry cleaning today at 5:00.
Time to wake up and take your pills, Tom.
Why, thank you, phone.
How do I make coffee with a SureCup 600? Searching the Web for instructions for the SureCup 600, Tom.
Thank you.
And, uh can you call me "Gorgeous"? From now on, I'll call you Gorgeous.
How do I get home from the mall? Finding directions home, Gorgeous.
Can you tell me a joke while we wait? Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.
It's 9:00.
Time to stop reading and go to sleep.
Good night, Gorgeous.
Good night, my love.
You gotta take Mom back.
She's driving me crazy.
She's filling that void with crafts.
Too many crafts.
Slow down, speedy.
Wow, nice outfit, Mom.
Oh, thanks.
Taking care of your dad's got you drinking at 4:00 in the afternoon, huh? At least I had the social grace to hide mine in a coffee mug.
Oh, this cocktail is celebratory.
See, I'm no longer dealing with Tom Miller, the man who once brushed his teeth with mint chip ice cream.
No, no, no.
I've been spending my days with a brand-new man.
May I introduce to you one Mr.
Thomas Miller? Good evening, ladies.
Margarita? Is he cooking? I was just whipping up a little pico de gallo.
He's a new man.
He cooks, he gets himself up in the morning, gets around town without getting lost.
I fixed him.
And I didn't yell once.
In the last two days, the loudest thing in my apartment has been your outfit.
It's time to take your early evening medicine, Gorgeous.
What is that? This is Carol 2.
0.
I had to find a better model 'cause the original Carol didn't have a volume control and you couldn't turn her off.
That's very funny.
Hold on.
I've got another one.
The original Carol also didn't have voice mail, just a male voice.
Yeah, we get it, Tom.
Hold on, hold on.
Last one.
The original Carol also was too loud, too bulky, and ten years ago, she switched to vibrate.
Told you I could fix him.
Oh, you're not taking credit for this.
You know, the other night, Carol 2.
0 took me to this great little Italian place.
Huh.
Ricotta doesn't give her the trots.
- Come on.
Admit it, I fixed him.
- No, you didn't.
The phone's the one doing all the work.
Yeah, but my rational approach to the problem helped find the solution.
Just admit that I am calm and you and Mom are volatile.
Okay, you got lucky with the phone.
Mom and I are just as calm and rational Get your hands off of my phone! You're gonna hurt her! Your new girlfriend can do everything, huh? Well, she's not much of a fighter! And that's why I save my upgrades.
I don't know what happened to me.
Seeing him so happy, I got jealous.
Mom, it was a phone.
How are you gonna react when he actually starts dating? You can't smash a woman's face in for kissing him.
Please.
If some poor woman is gonna kiss your father, whatever's happening to her face is far worse than anything I could do with a meat tenderizer.
Maybe jealous is the wrong word.
I just always thought that even if I yelled at your dad, it was for his own good.
But when I saw him tonight What if I wasted my ole life thinking he needed me, and now that he doesn't, all I'm left with is a hot glue gun and a sack of rhinestones? Look at me.
I look like Liberace had sex with a Fabergé egg.
- Mr.
Miller? - Yeah? That'll be $400.
No, no, no.
I had three free upgrades.
Uh, no, not according to this.
It says all your upgrades were used this weekend by a Thomas Miller.
Uh, Dad? Something happen with the phone this weekend? Oh, yeah.
I had a little accident.
How'd you go through three phones in two days? That's over a thousand dollars' worth of phones literally down the toilet.
They were very slippery.
Especially in a moist environment.
Well, why didn't you just put it in your pocket like a normal person? You put it in there, and then when you need it, you What happened to my phone? Wait.
I had it in the car.
Oh, yeah, it slid under your seat.
Nate, I think you dropped dropped some weight.
What the hell is wrong with you?! How could one person be so careless?! My phone would have been safer in the hands of a toddler.
I could put a toddler in a whitewater raft and I replace his little hands with goat hooves, and he would have been less clumsy than you! Okay, okay, what is wrong with you?! Yeah, yeah, what happened to calm and rational? No, it can't be done! I am so sorry that I criticized you guys.
The flaw is not the women in this family, the flaw is him.
Fine.
Maybe the phone was a bad idea.
Live and learn.
He doesn't even care.
I just yelled at him in the middle of a store and it rolls off his back.
This is nothing.
I practically pulled down his pants and spanked him at a Souplantation a few years ago.
I rounded a corner to find him standing in a two-foot tall pile of soft serve ice cream just grinning like a chimp.
What are we gonna do with him? I don't know.
He's a sweet guy, and I love him.
I hate yelling at him.
Yeah, me, too.
It's my fault.
I knew what I was getting into the night I met him.
I should never have given him my number.
I should have just rolled off the hood of his car and hobbled away.
I got us into this mess.
I'll do my best to teach him how to live on his own.
But I'm gonna do things my way.
I don't want to hear any bunk from either of you if I yell at him too much.
Mom, beat him with a rubber hose if you have to.
I don't know how you've kept this up for 43 years.
It's true.
You are a hero and a saint.
That's all I ever wanted to hear.
Let's get you home Gorgeous.
That's all I ever wanted to hear.