The Mindy Project s01e03 Episode Script

What do you mean, you have a sex tape of me? So you found the tape of me? Well, well, well.
Looks like you guys do check your emails.
You are busted! I sent you an email late saturday night with a subject heading, "answer A.
S.
A.
P.
" Didn't hear from either of you.
Guys, I need to book those rooms for our conference in Santa Fe.
Just upgrade to the mesa view rooms.
It's 49 bucks, just do it.
I'm sorry I'm not a mind reader.
Mindy, it was saturday night.
I was otherwise occupied.
Yeah, we get it.
You were hooking up with a supermodel.
I would hardly call this girl a supermodel.
I think you need to be booking domestic covers before you call yourself a supermodel.
Okay, Danny, what was your excuse? Sittin' on your stoop, playing a harmonica? I like to schedule c-sections for saturday nights.
Hospital's quiet.
It's really great, desolate.
Your weekend sounded really depressing, and your weekend sounded disgusting.
Actually, I had a great weekend.
She wasn't a supermodel.
I had a great time.
But she was, you know, she was attractive.
No, you guys don't understand.
Both of those weekends sound better than mine.
I fell asleep watching the movie amelie.
And when I woke up, I had spilled so much red wine on myself that I thought for a second I had been shot.
Ooh.
Hey, at least you're having fun.
That's all that counts.
Hey, Dr.
I, Mrs.
Olsen is here for your 9:30.
And be forewarned, her voice is very loud.
Shauna, you look terrible and awesome.
Did you party this weekend? Yeah, I got a hookup with this guy Carlo.
He's the door guy at this new club.
Yeah, how'd that go? Drake showed up with a white tiger.
Are you kidding? The tiger left with Derek Jeter.
Okay, docs, if you need anything, I'll be answering phones under a damp washcloth.
Okay, thank you.
So where were we? Guys, I gotta go find out more about this club.
Okay, what about the conference? Guys, I don't care.
I need this, all right? Just pick the mesa room.
You know, speaking of emails, thanks for responding to mine this weekend.
Hey, man, I don't wanna join your tanning place.
But I get a free session.
But you look orange.
I don't wanna look like that.
This is cream of oak.
Shauna.
Hi.
Hey, tell me about this club.
Do a lot of guys go there? Guys who seem like they might be employed and stuff? You better believe it.
Makes club Aria look like thunder bar.
Ugh, thunder bar? Kill me.
Am I right? It's not that bad.
No.
No, you're right.
Thunder bar can be fun.
Yeah.
Shauna, you have to take me clubbing with you this weekend.
I don't know, Dr.
I.
I mean, is nightclub stuff still interesting to you? Yeah.
Look, I might be in my 30s in doctors' years, but I'm, like, I don't know, doc.
All right, look.
Give this to me, and I will let you switch your desk away from the air vent.
Hey, Carlo, it's Shauna.
I need to add a plus one at the club on friday night.
It's my boss, sort of a make-a-wish thing.
Ciao.
Shauna, are you going to a club with Dr.
I? Oh, you can't come, Morgan.
Look, you need me to come.
Mm-mm.
I have these amazing pills.
Oh, God.
Hold on.
If you put one in your drink, it counteracts the effect of a roofie.
The only problem is, if you're not already roofied, the pills have very roofie-like side effects.
So basically, your pill's a roofie.
No! Why does everyone say that? It roofies the roofie.
Okay, Curtis explains this much better than me.
Hey, good news.
I got invited to this super hot nightclub friday night.
Ooh, I'm so jealous.
Why? Come with me.
I'd rather die.
What? I can't do clubs anymore.
They make me feel judged and rejected by people that I would normally judge and reject.
Plus, they're so crowded and loud.
I haven't been to a nightclub in over a decade, and I've never gone without you.
Well, I can't go anyway because Carl is telling stories and folktales at the library about our town's history.
And I personally hate it.
But it's a really big deal, so I'm very proud of him.
All right, I'm a little disappointed in this conversation.
Love you, bye.
Have fun.
You too.
Mindy, are you coming to office club night? Could I give you a few things to keep in your purse? I like to keep a trim profile.
How do you know about our club night? Shauna? Sorry, doc.
Word kinda got out.
I am so excited.
I ordered a new dress.
Mom says she's almost done sewing the sleeves.
Betsy's coming too? Yeah.
Dr.
C, you in for work night out? Not this time.
You guys have fun.
Okay, what's that? What's that noise? No, it It's just funny to me.
What is? Picturing you at a nightclub.
You know? It's weird.
It's like Dracula on a beach.
What? I go out.
Okay.
I do.
You know what? I'm in.
My grandma had this saying, "you work hard, you play hard.
" Yep.
Your grandmother coined the phrase, "work hard, play hard"? I know, right? Never finished the third grade.
Club night.
Yes! Come on, right there.
Whoo! "Tan-tru.
" Shauna, is that Tibetan? No, this used to be a Manhattan trust bank.
A couple of the sign letters fell off.
It's great though.
Nba players hang out here all the time.
Are you serious? Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna be at a club where nba guys are? Yeah.
This is amazing 'cause black guys love me.
Whoa.
Keep your racism voice down.
Sorry.
That's not racist.
It's a scientific fact that black guys love Indian girls.
Don't ah.
And, black guys also love ass, which I happen to have a lot of.
Thank you very much.
So I'm gonna work my ass all the way to the V.
I.
P.
, if you know what I mean.
The V.
I.
P.
? Yeah, good luck with that.
Morgan, you are jostling me with your duffle.
Oh, I'm sorry, doc.
I'm sorry.
I got all my club supplies in here.
Just wanna make sure everything's organized.
I got three different kinds of prestige fragrances.
Got my sudokus to do during boring songs.
And then check this out Mindy, Mindy.
Most importantly, an eggbeater, so in the morning, I can make her an omelet.
Okay, guys, just listen up, so there's no misunderstanding.
When know what the score is, right, when we go into the club? That we all hang out as friends from work.
This is incorrect.
She's saying that she'll bail on all of you if she meets a guy, right? That's right.
That's right, Shauna.
If I disappear, do not find me.
It mean that I am either falling in love, or I'm grinding up on some guy, or probably both.
Whoa, Dr.
Castellano.
You look handsome like a youth minister.
Oh, thanks, bets.
Hey, someone's dad is here to pick them up.
Hey, what's up? How it's going? Hi.
Hey, doc, you look nice.
Thanks, sweetheart.
Think this used to be my bank.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Han solo.
Thanks, man.
'Sup, Carlo? Me plus five.
'Sup, Carlo? How are you? you ain't gotta flaunt for me if we go and touch, you can still touch my love it's free we can work without the perks ma'am, if everyone took a big dramatic moment in the doorway, the club would never fill up.
Oh, right, sorry, sorry.
Let's go.
Oh, man, there is some talent here tonight.
Vodka tonic, bourbon rocks, and red wine with ice.
Thank you.
What? They didn't have sangria.
Hey, you guys, can't hang out with you tonight.
I'll talk you later Maybe, okay? Mm.
No wonder they call it the meatpacking district.
'Cause it's so packed, am I right? No, I'm just playin'.
It's not that packed.
I can handle it.
Let me grab this bad boy.
Okay.
Can I offer anyone a squirt of pink soap from the men's room? No.
I'm okay.
Got it.
Your loss.
Sorry.
that's what I came for ooh you know they fine up and down the carolinas Dr.
Reed, why are you staring at that girl? Do you know her? Not yet, Betsy.
I was thinking of giving her an early wedding gift.
Why are you using the voice you use when single moms come into the office? ladies and the drinks mack hey.
Where you from? What? Where you from? What? Where you from? Chicago.
Oh, cool.
My college friend Brian Miller's from there.
Do you know him? What? I'm just gonna I'm gonna take a lap.
Yay, Mindy's here.
Ugh, man, the guys here are so aggressive.
Here's your bottle of blue raspberry shnazzle.
Enjoy.
Oh, hey! We didn't order this.
Oh, I ordered it.
It looked yummy, like what a fancy alien would have at a spaceship party.
I didn't know there would be so much.
Betsy, it's, uh, $300.
Sweetie, you ordered bottle service.
I think they pour this stuff on maxi-pads in commercials.
Ugh.
Well, it was my mistake.
And I won't let it ruin my first big night out in New York.
I bought it.
I'll drink it.
Hey, Danny, how come you're not dancing? I don't really like this music.
Do you want me to go ask them to play some doobie brothers? Oh, I love this one though.
I went to High School with a couple of these guys back in staten.
we ain't trippin', read the sentence this is gotta see.
you drinking muscle milk homey, you gon' get killed walking around like deebo - Whoa, Dr.
- Castellano's amazing! Yeah.
- Damn it though, he can dance.
- He's really good.
Shauna, hello? Huh? Oh, my God.
Do you like Danny? What? - No.
- No.
The way you're looking at him, I think you like Danny.
No, I don't.
Weird, it's like if Hermione liked Voldemort.
I don't know those words.
He must be crazy sweaty.
get my jam on.
It's your night.
Your night! Oh, that's my That is I bought that.
It's all I got, man.
stomp the roach, stomp the roach stomp the roach Thank you.
is seen out of your jeans, ma uh-huh, let me place a single right in between, ma ha, late nights, you could let 'em in tell a friend, tell a friend how much cheddar spin hey, Shauna.
most definite wherever my crew at, it's more definite huh, you ain't got no wears in me casa maggiano's, hoppin' out a benz like a mobster pasta, pellegrino, penne a la vodka, lobster Filipino, talk it to me proper uh-huh, uh-huh whoa, whoa, you go, slime it's your time, slime! put your bracelets in the air, and let that gold shine ma, what's really, what's good 'cause if I get some, have her speaking in tongues huh? Like, what you say? oh hey, doc.
Hey.
Hey, can you talk for a sec? I'm kinda having a rough night.
Yeah.
My night's been kind of a bust too.
What's up? Well, there's this guy who I thought was into me Excuse me, miss? Um, that table has requested that you join them in the V.
I.
P.
Area.
Me? Yeah.
Oh, my God, those guys play for the nba.
Okay, Shauna, I gotta go.
I told you black guys love me.
See you monday.
Come on.
it's a family affair only the fam here, yeah whole Harlem, uptown, we stayin' here yeah, chrome bottles, bracelets, and chandeliers Danny.
Hey, what's up? Hey! Where did you learn how to do all this? You jealous? No, it's actually really cool.
Thank you.
Why'd you keep it such a secret? I don't know.
My mom put me in dance class when I was a kid.
I got into a lot of fights.
It was worth it.
You're really good.
You wanna get a drink with me? I'm going to the V.
I.
P.
Actually to hang out with some nba players.
Nice! You know what? I'll get you an autograph from, uh, Mr.
J.
Doctor.
Doctor.
Bye.
I'll see you later.
uh, oh uh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah take minks off, uh take things off, uh take chains off, uh take rings off, uh bracelets is yapped Aah.
Oh.
Ugh.
Betsy, what are you doing here? I told the bald man I was with you.
You're not with me.
I'm never letting you go.
You're literally a hanger-on.
Just please sit down.
Sit down.
Sit down over here.
Sit down? Shh, hush, hush, okay.
Right here? Take my phone.
Oh, thank you.
Just unsubscribe me from email newsletters, okay? But just keep the shopping ones.
Shopping? And don't talk to me anymore.
Never.
I'm just livin' my life in a mansion with cars hit the dance floor tonight thanks.
I'm trying to guess your job based on your figure.
Are you the mistress of a black congressman? Excuse me? Relax.
It's a compliment.
I'm Josh.
Welcome to the V.
I.
P.
Thanks.
This place is like my second home.
Of course my first home is a lot bigger and nicer than this dump.
I have a steam shower, but you'll see.
I-I'm sorry.
Is your Uncle, like, the club accountant? I don't know how you It doesn't matter.
Just trying to find out which guy here got me into the V.
I.
P.
You're looking at him.
Well, technically you're looking past me at Danny Granger and baron Davis.
But, uh, figure of speech.
You got me into the V.
I.
P.
? Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Amar'e stoudemire! Wow! What's up, Josh? Hey, boss.
So great to meet you.
My name is Mindy.
Nice to meet you.
Okay, go, go.
She doesn't want to talk to you anymore.
No, he's How are you friends with amar'e stoudemire? Friends? I don't know.
But when he only gets offered I'm the guy that compares it to the trail of tears.
I'm a sports attorney.
Oh.
Yeah.
Well, um, I think some of your friends are, uh, making eyes at me.
And I think we should go tell them how hard to get I am.
Oh, hard to get? You're all over me.
- Okay.
- Yeah, fine, let's Come on.
Yeah.
Let's go hang with these tall bastards.
Thank you so much.
Boys, Mindy.
Hi.
- Hey.
- What's up, Mindy? You like what you see? Morgan.
Do we not pay you enough? Are you the bathroom attendant? Don't worry your gorgeous, giant head about that.
I get paid more than enough too much.
Hello, welcome.
Welcome to the bathroom.
Oh, can I see that snap bracelet? What does it say? Um "Kaylee's bridal angels.
" Who's kaylee? She's just a you know, a new friend.
What are you up to, Dr.
Reed? You a bridal angel? Or a bridal devil perhaps? Thank you so much.
God bless you.
You know what, Morgan? Just leave it.
Why is everybody so obsessed with my dalliances? Because we're your friends.
And your friends are the people that help you avoid making bad decisions.
Think about that.
It's spearmint.
You're gonna have a great time with that one.
I happen to know a couple things about bad decisions, okay? I.
E.
Mine, vis-a-vis prison.
Damn it, Morgan, I cannot hear about your incarceration right now.
Right.
Just remember, you gotta do what makes you feel good here and here.
Not there.
Okay.
Hey, man, you've been in there, like, 45 minutes.
You okay? What's up? Okay, favorite Tom Hanks romantic comedy.
Sleepless in Seattle.
I gotta say you've got mail.
Splash.
Apollo 13.
Apollo 13 is a romantic comedy, you guys? It's a love affair between a man and his mission.
Should've gone for that.
That is true now.
Baron, why do you like splash? You know, the fantasy about going underwater and, you know, risking your life for love.
That's really romantic, baron.
I didn't know you had that side to you.
It's really Josh.
He gave me some books when I was a rookie, and that really got my romance game going.
You know what, as a matter of fact, Josh actually got me off coffee.
I'm all about the green tea.
Took my game to another level.
He was jittery.
He was getting so jittery.
Right.
Digestion's been better, hasn't it? Slowed down a little bit.
Digestion's been Yeah.
Hey, you know what I love about Josh? Your workout mixes, sick.
Oh, God.
I thought I was the only guy you You made mixes for.
You should make a mix for Mindy, man.
I never knew that this is what V.
V.
I.
P.
Was gonna be like.
It's pretty cool.
Oh, it gets so much better.
Wait till the after-party.
The after-party's where it's really at.
Tough list to get on, but, um, I am the list.
This sounds awesome.
Oh, God, Betsy.
Okay, guys, I'll meet you by the exit.
I please don't leave without me, all right? I'm so excited about this.
everybody hot make everybody hot Mindy, you left your pashmina.
Come to Ukraine.
I own 16 cell phone store.
I give free one to all my girls.
Okay, okay, time to go, Betsy.
It's time to go.
He says I won't end up like the others.
That is horrifying.
Look, I'm very flattered by your lesbian overture, but I'm not in an adventurous mood.
You're fine, you're fine.
Don't move stop moving.
Hey, Shauna, hey.
Oh, my Take her.
She's like a sack of cement.
I just can't be saddled with this anymore, all right? I'm gonna go.
I'm going to go to an after-party.
Sure, whatever.
Have a blast.
Okay, okay, what's wrong, what's wrong? Nothing.
It's nothing.
Danny? Come on! You know what? You're better off.
I think he's into weird stuff like biting.
I bet he, like, cries when he has sex.
Okay? Okay.
Thanks, Dr.
I.
You go have fun, go.
Really? Yeah.
Okay.
I really wanna go.
Go.
Are you sure? Okay.
Yes.
I'm gonna go.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I feel so much better.
Let's order a drink.
Oh, no.
I just got a text from the after-party.
Apparently Jamie Foxx has taken charge of the pizza oven, and the toppings are getting weird.
Jamie Foxx, pizza toppings I can't believe that.
That sounds awesome.
Great, perfect.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
Um I think that sounds really great.
I can't go I don't think, um Oh, come on.
It's just that I can't ditch my friends.
No It's kind of a work night out.
Okay, well, um, it was nice talkin'.
Yeah.
Who knows, maybe we can have a one-night stand sometime.
Yeah.
Really? No, I mean, I was joking.
You were joking, right? I was joking, so Um, see ya.
Bye.
Hey, I think that amar'e stoudemire might have stolen my pashmina.
He might have.
Okay.
You stayed! Yeah.
Of course I stayed, you guys.
I can hook up with a hot guy anytime I want.
Tonight is my night to hang out with you.
Aww.
Okay.
Don't Don't make it like that.
That was last call, guys.
You're gonna have to settle the check.
Okay, I just need to have my parents wire me $300.
But first, my aunt has to wire them $200.
Or I can pay for everything.
Oh, what? Morgan, where did you get this money? Wait, you know what? I don't wanna know.
I bet it's gonna be sad or scary.
A little bit of both, doc.
Oh, okay, we're dancing.
We're dancing.
Come on.
Come on.
Yeah? Yes.
Whoo! Keep your clothes on.
Whoo, let's boogie! This is $37.
yo, what I gotta do to show these girls that I own 'em sorry.
We're good people.
some call me Nicki and some call me Roman skeeza, pleeza, I'm in Ibiza giuseppe zanotti my own sneaker sexy, sexy, that's all I do if you need a bad Let me call a few pumps on and them little mini skirts is out I see some good girls I'ma turn 'em out okay, bottle, sip, bottle, guzzle I'm a bad No muzzle bottle, sip, bottle, guzzle I'm a bad No muzzle let's go pound the alarm come on, alistair.
All right.
I wanna hear all about when you were knighted by the queen.
- Um - I mean, sir alistair.
Um, the thing is, uh, kaylee, I haven't been completely honest with you.
I don't care.
Get in.
Right, okay, the thing is, my moral compass has strayed somewhat from true north.
And I would love, uh, to come with you, but I can't.
What my friend's trying to say is he has crazy diarrhea.
Bye.
Go.
Um Was it necessary to be diarrhea? Yeah, diarrhea shuts it down, okay? Have a sucker.
Hello, ladies.
Who wants some late night eats? Ah, like what? I got soup in my bag.
Take your duffel.
Dr.
Mindy Lahiri? Mm-hmm.
Uh, Mr.
Daniels sent me to take you home.
And to give you this.
I bought this off amar'e for $500.
You owe me dinner.
Josh.
Okay, okay.
Everyone get in the limo.
Limo! Get in the limo.
Oh, my God.
How'd you get a limo? I don't I have ways.
I have ways.
Okay.
Oh! What year is this limousine? Morgan, just get in.
Okay.
Dr.
l, come on.
This is great.
What a night.
Mm-hmm.
I am as happy as the mustache man on the pizza box.
There you go.
Thanks, Dr.
l.
Yeah.
You know, bets, you, me, and Shauna? We're kinda the girls' team in the office.
We gotta stick together.
The girls' team! Go team! And Morgan of course.
Really? I'm on the girls' team, for real? Mm-hmm.
Oh! We're a team.
I probably would be Captain of the girls' team 'cause I'm a guy.
What? Not a guy Not a guy, not a guy.
Ew.
You just got disqualified.
- Hold on.
No, no, no.
- Didn't let me finish.
What a terrible idea.
Ew.
Go to bed.