The Mistress (1985) s01e03 Episode Script

Luke! Mmm.
Paperwork.
- I love you.
- I love you.
I've made your favourite meal.
Oh, wonderful.
You haven't eaten, have you? Of course I haven't eaten.
I'm having supper with you.
- Steak pie - Wow! Steak pie.
- Green beans - Green beans.
- And roast potatoes.
- I can't live without roast potatoes.
- Yogurt and banana.
- No.
What have I done? Lemon meringue pie? You mean, lemon with shaving cream on the top.
Get out! Oh, no.
Oh, my God! Black potatoes and matching green beans! Smells good.
I don't mind if you've eaten.
No, I haven't, I haven't.
It's nearly ready.
It would be quite nice being married to you.
Must be rather nice spending every evening eating and drinking and cuddling.
It is ready.
- Did you hear me? - What? So? Oh, I, er I don't think I'd be quite right for you as a wife I mean.
Having second thoughts about us, are you? No, it's just Perfect.
- Pie? - Of course.
For some reason, the crust didn't want to stay with the steak.
Perhaps they had a row.
You'd better start, it might coagulate.
Oh, no! It's all gone wrong! Ah, what, what's gone wrong? Luke, don't try to pretend.
Just look at your plate - there's not one recognisable thing on it.
Even the gravy's having an identity crisis.
It's delicious! Can I have another piece of coal, please? Oh, come on, you get most things right.
Well, I got the lemon meringue right.
Oh, good.
Fantastic.
I bet Helen's cooking is amazing.
Well I bet her beans are green, and her pie doesn't wrap itself round the oven, and her potatoes don't fall on the plate like meteorites.
Well, I had to get a power drill to her sponge pudding tonight.
You HAVE eaten.
No.
Yes, I had to.
These are things I have to do! Oh, Luke.
It's so hard for you.
Yes, it is, very hard.
Why didn't I meet you years ago? Because God doesn't want us to have everything all at once.
Coffee? Thank you.
What about some irises? I've only got my pension.
Well, these are nice.
We've got different colours and they're only £1.
50 a bunch.
Oh, my pension wouldn't run to that.
- I'm off for lunch, Jen.
- Okay.
Look What about these? These are only £1.
Oh, I can't afford it.
50p.
I'll have two bunches, please.
Excuse me.
Anyone sitting here? Is this seat taken?! Oh, I'm sorry.
No.
Oh! Oh, dear God, I hate this world.
I'm full of car fumes.
Oh! I don't need the list.
I'll have the omelette if the eggs was free-range, and the sausage if the pigs was happy.
I'll have mushrooms and tomatoes if they're not insecticided, or the salad with a dressing if it's not got preservative in it.
Otherwise I'll have toast.
I used to come here with my old man.
It was nice in them days, the food was unmolested.
I always say when he died he took the chef with him.
Kids, have ya? No.
Oh.
Well, I expect there's time, you can't boss Mother Nature.
No.
Like asking a cat to bark.
Or a dog to meow.
I had a dog that meowed.
Oh! Dogs is special.
Dogs is versatile.
They don't grow lettuces to eat no more.
They spray all them nutrients out of them.
They're more for putting in vases now.
And eggs is no good for you.
They come from depressed chickens.
The world is full of people eating paranoiac ggs.
Still, if progress don't get ya, caffeine will.
It's been really nice talking to you.
Don't you want kids, then? Erm, well? Yes, I do.
Oh, it's your husband, is it? No, I haven't got a husband actually.
It's a pity we have to get one of them first, isn't it? I mean, they don't do much towards the whole thing.
Still, the bit they do do saves them from becoming unnecessary.
Wonderful things kids.
You can wake up and look at your old man, and notice that he's slowly turning into a reptile.
Not like your kids, your kids is always beautiful.
They'll steal your time when you're young, but they'll give it all back to you when you're old.
Oh, you certainly are a good advertisement for having kids.
Oh, yes, I ought to know about kids.
I never had any myself.
'I might see you tonight.
Will phone, love Jimmy Riddle.
' Alright, we'll have whisky.
Oh, hello, Jen! What a surprise! Are you alone? No, I'm with a rabbit.
Ooh, are you expecting Luke? - No, I'm not expecting, just hoping.
- Aah.
Hello, silly animal.
It's, erm It's a favour, just a little one.
Oh, yes, I know your little favours.
The last time it was, 'I told him I had an executive position with a computer firm, so can I borrow your place? It's bigger than mine.
' Well, which of my possessions do you want to impress him with this time? Well, Max, this thing has grown.
I mean, you know how I said I'm through with matters of the heart, I'm going to concentrate on the software in my head? Yes.
And how this new guy, Bruce, and me are incompatible because he's weak and non-perceptive, and his lack of perception cripples my ability to appreciate that amazing body, because it's mainlined to a stupid brain.
When in metaphoric terms all he really represents is a beautiful house filled with crap furniture.
Yes.
We're engaged! Oh! Jenny, oh! Congratulations! Oh, how fantastic! And how terrific and Are you sure? Of course I'm not sure.
I mean, are you sure you're ready to be engaged? Oh, I'm always ready to be engaged.
To him, I mean? Oh, Max, when he kissed me last night I felt as if I were dissolving.
Have you ever had that feeling? Yes, I have had occasion to dissolve but I didn't get engaged to them all.
Life's just a dark room, Max, isn't it? A dark room, and when someone comes along and opens those curtains - What the hell? - Oh, yes, Jen.
What the hell? You know, he's the first man I ever had completely to myself.
They usually share you with their work, their mother, their dog, their wife Sorry! I'm sorry.
The only reason Mother Nature gave me a mouth was so that I could apologise with it for using it.
So what's the little favour? I keep forgetting Luke's married.
- Jimmy Riddle.
- What? Jimmy Riddle, that's how his latest note was signed.
Oh, well, makes it more intriguing.
Yesterday was Peter Smith.
Ah! Makes it all unpredictable.
A few days ago it was Robert Jones.
Well, it makes it all Go on.
different? Oh, different! It's different alright.
I know this man called Luke, who is married to a woman called Helen, who sends me notes signed Jimmy Riddle Peter Smith or Robert Jones, saying, 'I might see you tonight.
' Might! Well, it makes it all Wrong.
Oh, look, Max! Nothing's lasting, nothing's safe.
The only thing you can rely on is the moment, because the one before has just gone, and the one in front is probably going to be disastrous.
So if you have moments with someone, you know, sort of, little birds singing in your soul, buttercups in your brain, the sudden noticing of nature and music and poetry, and all the other soft porn of life.
Well, that's it.
Grab it, savour it.
Then when you're passed it all, you can sit back in your wicker chair looking as smug and as wise as an old bucket.
Can I borrow your pink sweater? He'll come, you'll see Thanks, Max.
I'll bring it back tomorrow.
There's no hurry.
- Take it easy.
- I will.
- Play it cool.
- I will! - Don't let him see that you care.
- I won't.
Nice and cool.
Nice and cool! Hello.
Max, I've been trying to get hold of you for ages.
You're whispering.
I called you earlier at the shop, you were engaged.
I hate it when you whisper.
Listen, I have to hurry.
You always have to hurry.
We have this dinner, I'd forgotten.
You're always whispering and you always have to hurry, and you're always having forgotten dinner.
I called to see you at one o'clock.
We close for lunch at one o'clock.
Oh, honey.
- Yes? - I'm sorry.
It's alright.
- If I - Darling! Can you do me up, please, darling? Thank you.
Drink? Thank you.
Oh, I do hate going to the Lawson's.
- You used to kiss my back.
- What? When you zipped me up, you used to kiss my back.
Yes.
- And my neck.
- Yes.
You used to mess all my hair up, do you remember? Of course I remember.
You make it sound as if it was years ago.
No, not years ago.
Dreams ago.
Dreams ago? Sometimes it didn't stop at my neck, and we never got to dinner.
I'm sorry.
You've obviously got something on your mind and I've been too busy and selfish to notice it.
Tell me about it.
'Tell me about it.
' Oh, it's alright, it's alright.
You always sigh.
Every conversation we have you proceed it with a noise like a surfacing whale.
It's going to turn into a row.
Well, we won't know until your voice makes a decision, will we? You're proud, aren't you? You're proud of that inert, prone, prostrate attitude of yours.
While everyone is running round with bulging eyes and soprano voice, your emotions just lie there as if they're on a bloody sunbed.
I can't help being together, Luke.
Some of us are born together and some of us are not.
Even when we make love.
Make love? We don't make love.
We indulge in some lightning event that leads me wondering if I should dash up to the rostrum and claim a gold medal! You don't do it for us, Luke, you do it for England.
Ha-ha, isn't that typical of a woman? Knock him down first then reverse over him.
I'm not complaining.
Of course you're not complaining! You're being nice! You're always being nice.
When you're worried you're nice, when you're annoyed you're nice, when you're not nice, you're not nice in a nice way.
Why don't you do something evil just for once? You're drinking a lot.
No, I'm not.
I'm just pouring a lot.
Cheers! Would either of you two consider marrying me? No, of course you wouldn't because you're a cat, and you're a rabbit, and I'm only a human being.
One day, I'm going to buy you a big field and we're going to grow dandelions and clover.
It wasn't my idea to have you neutered, you know.
I would have been happy to leave you with all your little bits and pieces, but people said you would spend all your nights on a high wall raping and pillaging.
And I have to keep you away from your little friends because apparently you devote your entire life to it.
And here I sit with all my little bits and pieces, and nobody seems to care.
We're all neutered in some peculiar way.
Oh, Luke! Hi! I didn't use the key.
You might have had company.
Drink? No, thanks.
I've had a drink.
In fact, I've had several.
It is not funny, Max, my life is not funny.
She threw her drink at you? Not just one - several.
Each one poured calmly, each one carefully measured, carefully aimed.
No hysterics, no emotions, just the gentle, calculated delivery of Scotch.
And you just stood there? Yes, I stood there feeling extinguished.
It's the first time she's ever done anything evil.
Well, I hope she keeps it up, I might get to see you more often.
How about you? Oh, I - I've just been having a chat with myself.
I'm really quite interesting when I get to know me.
We're you going to have an early night? Yes.
Good.
Oh, damn! My car's outside.
Does it matter? Ah, someone might notice it.
I know a lot of people round here.
Well, couldn't you be visiting a friend? Er, no, I'd better move it.
Bring it in, why don't you? You know the problems Oh, yes, of course, of course, you are a married man.
Your life must be seen to be unblemished.
I just don't want to take chances.
No, no, we mustn't take any chances.
I mean, nobody must find out about us.
Somebody might shine a torch into a dark, little corner and see me crouching and shivering there.
Mind you, I can come out at Christmas and holidays, and weekends.
And summer holidays, I can come out then because you're not here.
Max! Look, could you move this rabbit? Look, I come when I can.
Yes, I know, you come when you can.
Hooray! This is an affair not a marriage, we agreed on that.
Yes.
When it stops hurting, it's time to go.
Yes.
No plans, no promises just Bed.
Oh, come on, Max, it's not like that.
It's more special than that.
Why don't you go and move your car? Thank you.
- I'm sorry about last night.
- It's alright.
I explained to the Lawson's.
I was going to apologise when I got back, but I You were tired.
No, I wasn't tired.
Oh, you looked tired.
Well, I When I met you on the landing I thought you were a very old burglar.
I'm not complaining.
No, you're not complaining.
I think Helen, you know I can't bear waiting to hear what you think.
Waiting to hear what you think is almost as bad as hearing it.
I think I think I'd like a baby.
Please don't abandon your Shredded Wheat like that.
Women have been having babies for years now.
Well, it's just sudden.
I know we planned other things, free spirits and all that, but Well, now it's different.
What's different? Time is different, it's running out.
Oh, not for you.
You're a man.
You can decide to have a baby when you're 90, if you like, but I can't I've got to have one now or never.
I can't think why God practised such discrimination.
But we agreed we're not child-bearing types.
I am a child-bearing type, Luke! I was built for it and even you can cope with the bit you have to do! Our lives will be disrupted, we won't be able to do anything, go anywhere.
I mean, look what happened when we minded your friend's dog.
I'm not talking about dogs, Luke.
I'm talking about a child, a little human being, the perpetuation of you and me, with your eyes, my smile.
We couldn't go anywhere with that dog! We couldn't take him out because he hated other dogs! We couldn't invite friends because he hated people with brown eyes, or people with overcoats.
We couldn't go out ourselves because he had an emotional bladder! Whenever we stayed in, we had to sit on the floor because he was guarding the sofa.
I don't anticipate having a baby with those particular problems.
And talking about time, I'll be 50 by the time the child's ten.
He'll expect me to run the father's race at the school sports.
I'll have my first coronary at the finishing tape.
'Does your father play cricket? ' 'No, no, it's a bit difficult on a life-support machine.
' What happened to the kind, caring man I knew? Life happened.
And you're prepared to go through that life without ever hearing the word 'Daddy'? The word terrifies me.
You're not normal.
There you are, that's a fine start for a child, father's not normal! All the same, I'd like to try.
Think, Helen, think.
You've got your freedom now, your looks, your shape and that is important, that really is important.
The world's full of avocado-shaped mothers.
Is that enough for you? My looks, my shape, is that my passport to permanency? You can't plan permanently, even castles fall down eventually.
Space is permanent.
The sky is permanent.
Air is permanent.
The space and air and sky are the world.
We are not the world, we are the little insects which forage and breathe and dream of it.
How lucky our child will be.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What's the matter? I just needed to I just needed to hear your chatter.
Well, I can't do it to order.
This is a surprise, you and me walking in the open.
Aren't you afraid a passing car might recognise our cars? I shall deny it.
It's not true, I tell you! We're just good friends! When I was young You mean, yesterday? I used to fantasise about making love in the open air in the long grass.
It was always a young, broody farmer.
He'd come out from behind a haystack and we'd look at each other smouldering.
It all got rather evil after that.
Oh.
How would a rather old, rather threadbare consultant engineer do? Look, I'm sorry.
It's alright.
I didn't bring you here just for that.
Oh, really? That's all we ever do.
It's my fault, alright? You probably get enough sex at home, anyway.
- Max.
- You could hardly expect to complete the course with me.
I'm sorry, I'm so-so sorry.
It's just that Well, I sit in that flat night after night with my ears to the telephone, my eyes to the door.
I make meals that never get eaten, I make plans that never get further than my head.
Plans.
Everybody's making plans.
Do you mean to tell me that one little unsuccessful moment in the woods makes me a failed man? No, I don't mean that.
It's nothing to do with that, it's - What then? - It's that I want to be a - A wife? - No.
What then? Well, I want to be important.
Okay, okay.
I think of you all the time, alright? I see you everywhere.
You're so on my mind, I collide with people, I trip over babies.
Yesterday, I picked up some things for Helen, I went to my car loaded with parcels, I put some on top of my car to unlock the door.
I drive all the way home with an electric wok on my roof.
I get my sentences muddled up.
I pick up the phone every time the oven timer goes off.
Now I hear your voice, feel your skin.
How's that for importance? It's not bad.
I much prefer you in the woods to a broody farmer.
Good.
Do you know? I was thinking All the things we've talked about, you never told me why you haven't got any children.
Well, it wasn't something Helen wanted at the time.
I quite like babies.
I think I should like to have one of yours one day.
It's just a thought, it's just a thought.