The Nanny s01e03 Episode Script

Okay, boys, here we go.
These are your gloves.
This is the ball.
And these are the rules.
You throw, you catch.
Reverse, repeat.
Where's your cap? / Oh, I'm not really a cap person.
Oh, come one.
You'll look adorable.
/ My life's ambition.
Try and be cool.
There.
Oh, yeah.
We cool.
Come on, Gracie, we're going to the park.
I'm a little anxious about this whole kite thing.
Why, sweetie? We're gonna have fun.
What if I let go of the string and lose it? I'm not good with separations.
You're not gonna lose it.
A kite is like a really cute guy.
You give him some slack, let him fly free.
Then at the end of the day, you yank his string and reel him back in.
And then hang him on a hook until you wanna use him again.
And I'm teaching you? Okay, last question.
What is the capitol of Peru? Lima.
/ Very good.
Boy, if she could fit in your book bag, you might actually pass this test.
I don't need to be a genius.
I'm gonna be a producer, like Dad.
Who said that? Good morning, everyone.
I have the most fabulous news.
They selected a dilettante for the biosphere? I was at Elizabeth Arden getting a facial, manicure and herbal wrap You know, at Earl Schieb you could get the whole job done for eighty-nine ninety-five, bodywork included.
Anyway, who do you think was under the next turban? Aladdin? / Yasar Arafat? No, that's not a turban.
That's a banoose.
Well, whatever it is, he could use a facial.
Or better yet, a chemical peel.
Nanny Fine! / Well, we're giving him the Gaza Strip.
Would it kill him to take a shave and put on a little Poco Riban? Does the name Maureen Wentworth ring a bell? / Not even a jingle.
She invested fifty thousand dollars in our last production.
Ah, yes.
How is the dear lady? / Fifty thousand dollars for a lousy play? Oh, which I found delightful.
I'm still humming the tunes.
Fifty thousand dollars is the kind of change she finds in her couch.
These are the Wentworths.
They came over on the Mayflower.
How did they know what to pack? I mean, you're going to a new world.
Is it hot? Is it cold? Is it raining? There are no brochures.
They were Pilgrims, Miss Fine.
They all wore the same thing.
And that was a mistake.
Very few people can wear a big hat, a big collar, and a big buckle.
Anyway, Maureen and her daughter Cynthia are very active in the Cotillion Society, and I mentioned Maggie.
And they have invited her to be a Junior Deb.
Oh, C.
C.
, that's splendid.
What a nice opportunity for Maggie.
Maggie? Oh yes, of course.
And it wouldn't hurt us to cultivate some new old money.
Excuse me, but does anyone care how I feel about this? / I know I don't.
Oh, you'll love it.
I was a debutante It's the only way to meet the right people, make the right connections.
Marry the right man.
/ But you never got married.
Good one.
I don't want to be a deb.
But, sweetheart, it might help you come out of your shell.
I like my shell.
If you get real close to Maggie, you can hear the ocean.
You know, I agree with Miss Babcock.
I know, it was an ugly shock to me, too.
But, angel, I think it would be a good opportunity for you.
I don't care what you all think.
I don't wanna do it.
Kids.
I should have stayed in retail.
Oh I mean, who does C.
C.
think she is butting into my social life? What social life? I just went to the movies with Denise.
Honey, she's the cleaning lady.
You're fourteen years old.
This house should be filled with obnoxious teenagers swapping sweaters and trashing each other.
I hate all those girls.
They all go to my school.
They're just so stuck up and snobby.
Popular? / Yeah.
Oh, honey, you could be just as popular.
You're smart and gorgeous, plus you got a double-A width.
The world is your oyster.
Skinny feet cannot get you into this group.
You don't know what these cliques are like.
Oh, you think they're any different than the cosmetology club at Flushing High? True, we had better nails.
But all cliques are alike.
You got the leader of the pack.
She's the prettiest, the snobbiest, and everybody wants to be her friend.
/ Well, that's Cindy.
Forget her.
She don't need you.
Find the low man on the totem pole and make your move.
You see, no one ever listens to her, so she'll be grateful and wide open for infiltration.
/ How do I infiltrate? Choose from the three universal topics.
Boys, clothes and Bobby Sherman.
Bobby who? Okay, Marky Mark.
But he doesn't have half the talent of Bobby.
It also helps to unite against a common enemy.
A good choice would be your gym teacher.
You make it sound like a war.
It's worse.
War is just hell.
This is high school.
That's Bobby Sherman.
What's that? That's his hair.
Ain't he cute? / He's not really my type.
I'm torn between Barney and Ted Koppel.
Yeah, but Bobby could sing.
You should hear his records.
What's a record? Oy, just bury me.
That sweater you wore today was just gorgeous.
Sure, no wonder Jason Matthews has a crush on you.
Don't you think he looks just like Marky Mark? Three universal topics and sucking up.
Grand slam.
Can this be? Our Maggie has a friend? You live long enough, you see everything.
Where's Maxwell? Yes, I've been feeling a little under the weather, but I'm much better now.
He wants these contracts in London by morning.
Well, here, hop on.
With the time difference you'll just make it.
Fran, I'm on the phone with Cindy Wentworth, and she'd like to know what to bring tomorrow.
I told her, potato salad.
And not the German kind.
Niles, why is Miss Fine using the words 'Wentworth' and 'potato salad' in the same sentence.
Miss Margaret and Miss Fine are hosting a mother-daughter debutante tea.
You're hosting a society tea? Yeah.
I thought we'd do pot luck.
That always goes over big.
What? / Meanwhile, with all their money, go find someone to bring an entree.
You're asking Maureen Wentworth to bring her own food? Well, fair is fair.
I mean, we're springing for the Make-Your-Own-Sundae Bar, the cosmetic demonstration, and the gypsy fortune teller.
Come on, kids, let's go wrap the gifts for the grab bag.
Miss Fine, a moment.
/ Does this mean you're not leaving? Sorry to disappoint you.
/ I'll bounce back.
Okay, kids, start without me.
Oh, and, Maggie, make sure you take the best gift and wrap it in aluminum foil.
That way you could always grab it for yourself.
Always the gracious hostess.
Oh, you should have seen my sweet sixteen at Benny's Clam Bar.
We took over the whole half-shell room.
I'm sure it was the highlight of the Flushing social season.
No.
That was the Astoria Boulevard block party.
They had two of the Four Tops.
Miss Fine, my point is, a society hostess should have style, flair, and a proper degree of social sophistication.
/ Yeah? So? So you're grossly underqualified.
And you're still not his first choice.
Miss Fine, this is not a popularity contest.
And I won anyway.
I'll have you know I have traveled in some pretty exclusive circles.
I sat at the conference table on the Carnival Cruise.
Passed the A-One to Kathy Lee.
Miss Fine, this is not brunch with Captain Stubbing.
These women are vicious, back stabbing, judgmental harpies.
I know.
They're my closest friends.
Oh, you don't scare me.
I have sat in on my mother's Mah jong group.
Uh, my fears are allayed.
Maggie's social future rests securely in your capable hands.
Well, at least her fears are getting allayed.
You know, I'm really getting the hang of this baseball thing.
I'm rather enjoying it, actually.
Don't toss the ball in the house, sir.
Niles, don't be such a stick in the mud.
Go on, old man, get out in the hall.
I'll burn one in.
Dear God in heaven.
All right, ready? It was old.
Ancient, actually.
/ Oh well, one less thing to dust.
Well, maybe I'll just pay some bills.
Oh, and I was so hoping we could toss the frisbee around.
Who's Madam Malesxa? And why am I paying her two hundred dollars? She's the fortune teller Miss Fine hired for the party.
A fortune teller at a society tea? / Perhaps she can read the leaves.
I don't know, Niles, I'm beginning to have second thoughts about this can you really picture Miss Fine in a room full of New York society matrons? Wouldn't miss it for the world.
You wanna hear a good one? Miss Babcock was saying I'm gonna stick out like a sore thumb at tomorrow's tea party.
Well, jump in any time with heartfelt reassurance.
Don't worry, Miss Fine.
These ladies tend to be a bit stuffy, but you'll be a breath of fresh air.
/ A delightful novelty.
In other words, a freak in the sideshow.
/ Well, everybody loves the circus.
But I don't want to embarrass Maggie.
Fourteen is a very vulnerable age.
I remember when I was fourteen.
My mother came to pick me up after school in a halter top and peddle pushers.
Oh, I'm still looking for the right support group.
All right, Miss Fine, let's, let's suppose for a moment we shared your concern.
It's really too late to cancel the party nowor is it? Oh no, don't.
You can't cancel.
Maggie is counting on it.
Can't you just teach me how to fit in? Come on, Niles, you know all about that fancy schmancy stuff.
Yes, I'm very proud of my command of both the fancy and the schmancy.
So tell me, what is the difference between me and those ladies? I wouldn't know where to begin.
/ Her clothes.
Her hair.
/ Her voice.
Her laugh.
/ Boy, you came up with that list pretty fast.
It would be a monumental task.
/ Impossible.
Oh, go for it.
I'm an empty canvas, a blank slate.
I'm etch-o-sketch right after you shake it.
All right, you're on.
We have twenty-four hours to turn this breath of fresh air into a stale pretentious snob.
In other words, Miss Babcock.
By George, I think he's got it.
Round tones, Miss Fine.
How now brown cow.
How no brownOy Enough with the marbles.
I've swallowed three and passed two already.
How now brown cow.
Not that there's gonna be any cows at the party.
That's what you think.
Party, Miss Fine.
/ Yes.
Let's try to capture that elusive letter 'R'.
What? / Your accent, it's soodd.
It's inescapable.
/ I don't see an 'R' coming out of your mouth.
That's because we're British.
/ Yes, we can say anything we like and people think it's Shakespeare.
All right, repeat after me.
Mark went on a lark after dark in Central Park.
Gee, I hope he has a gun.
Miss Fine, focus.
/ All right.
But the Kennedy's don't have an 'R' between them.
They park the car in the river, and get away with it.
Oh no, it's all wrong.
/ I'll say.
This book is flattening my whole pouf.
It's, it's your hips, Miss Fine.
/ Well, I've never had any complaints before.
It's, it's the way they move from side to side.
Well, I've never had any complaints before.
What's the matter? These ladies don't have hips? Not really.
No.
And flat buns.
But who's looking? Perhaps we should move on to conversations.
Oh now that's my area of specialty.
I am never at a loss for words.
There are several topics which are appropriate in any social setting.
The weather, current events, literature.
I'll take literature for a hundred, Alex.
What? I shouldn't laugh? If you must, try a soft, breathy, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
/ And close.
No, no, no, no! I can't believe you're knocking my style.
I'm known for my style.
Except for that brief corn row period after I saw 'Ten'.
Now what about this beige frock? That's my dress bag.
Two armholes and a string of pearls.
Could work.
This is the fish knife, the steak knife, the salad knife, and the butter knife.
You know, one amazing Ginsu could do it all.
All right, let's start again.
The salad course has arrived and you pick up your The salad fork.
And wrong again.
/ That is your shrimp fork.
Well, I don't know about you, but I'm getting shrimp salad.
All right, we've, we've finished our meal.
What do we do now? Well, if you're at my mother's house, you open your pants and flop on the couch.
Guess again.
Oh, yeah Tart, but refreshing.
No, Miss Fine, that is your finger bowl! It's for washing the fingers.
/ What? These people can't afford Wet Naps? Oh God, this is worse than any opening night.
And the critics here are much tougher.
Well, whatever happens, Niles, I've enjoyed working with you.
Same here, sir.
Somehow I feel closer to you.
Well, let's not get carried away, old man.
/ Sorry, sir.
I say, old man, we did it.
/ We did it.
/ We did it.
We said that we would do it.
/ And indeed we did it.
Hello.
How do you do? How now brown cow? Maureen.
/ C.
C.
How lovely to see you.
Kiss, kiss.
/ Hug, hug.
Uh, tell me, who is that lovely creature on Maxwell's arm? That's the nanny.
Oh.
And yet, what a stunning outfit.
/ Thank you.
Mrs.
Wentworth, I'd like you to meet our hostess, Miss Fran Fine.
Charmed I'm sure.
/ Look who discovered the letter 'R'.
Please excuse me for being tardy, but I was on the phone with my mother, and she can be such a yenta.
This is a great party, Maggie.
It's almost as much fun as algebra.
Look, guys, it's gonna get better, really.
Fran has the whole party all planned.
What a lovely artifact.
Is it Mayan? No.
It's his-an.
Niles, Mayday.
/ I'm on it, sir.
Would you care for a cucumber sandwich? Oh, thank you.
Don't these look yummy? Please, enjoy.
I've had the seeds removed to avoid gas.
Let's meet our guests.
Gas, Miss Fine? I was just trying to make conversation.
/ Indeed.
Literature, the weather, and the lively arts.
They're such narrow topics.
One must invariably turn to flatulence for inspiration.
Would you like to come up to my room and play with my Game Boy? Eat dirt.
/ Okay.
Dead my uncle was, right there on the couch.
Only nobody noticed until the seventh inning stretch, when he did not.
And close.
Fran, could I talk to you for a moment? If you'll excuse me, we'll schmooze later.
Fran, my friends are bored.
I thought you said we were gonna have entertainment.
Well, we're gonna sing Magicals with the harpist.
Is this classy or what? No, it stinks.
/ What? This is the worst party I've ever been to.
She obviously missed my cousin Ira's Briss.
I take it in there you weren't entirely thrilled with the party.
What happened to the party we planned? Well I thought that this would be better.
You know, classier, more like what you're used to.
I'm used to sitting home alone.
All right, so after this party things should be back to normal.
What have you done to yourself? That hair, and that outfit.
And where did you get that voice? Well, I got a little from Niles, a little from your father.
But mostly Mrs.
Harold.
What were you thinking? / Oh, I wasn't.
I listened to Miss Babcock.
Why I don't know.
Does she entertain? In all the time I've known the woman, she's never had me over once.
I can't believe you dressed up like a geek and ruined my party.
/ Oy.
It's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Oh, don't mention it Ever again.
You know, you didn't have to change.
Aren't you always telling me to be myself? Sure, when you're you: Perfection.
You could be yourself.
But when you're me, diamonds in the rough.
Are you kidding? I'd kill to be like you.
Really? I'd kill to be like you.
So what d' you say we go throw a party that'll kill C.
C.
? Oh now, you're thinking like a deb.
Kiss, kiss.
/ Hug, hug.
Come on, take my hair out.
/ All right.
Actually, my people came over on the Mayflower.
Oh, of course, the collar, the buckle.
I didn't put it together without the hat.
We landed on Plymouth Rock.
My family can be traced back for five hundred years.
We landed on Ellis Island.
They changed our names and now we don't know who the hell we were.
Okay, who wants sprinkles? Your father is really cute.
You know, they say I look just like him.
/ They lied.
You know, these are just delicious.
/ You like, huh? Marshmallow Rice Krispie treats.
Always a big hit.
You must give me the recipe for Cook.
/ Honey, buy the cereal.
It's right on the side panel.
What? You're gonna make me write it down? Maxwell, this woman is a gem.
/ Oh, Maureen, enough.
Fran tells me you're mounting a new musical.
I want in.
Do you think that you have room for one more investor? Well, for Mrs.
Wentworth, anything.
And I'm certain this one's gonna be a monster hit.
I know.
The fortune teller told me.
I tell you for the hundredth time, I see no tall, dark handsome nothing in your future.
This is a great party, Maggie.
I hate to go home.
What do you say I give you a ride in the limo? Just me and you in the backseat? Okay.
Oh God! Fran, thanks for everything.
/ Oh, angel.
I never doubted you for a minute.
Come on, I want you to pick first from the grab bag.
Me? Oh, I wasn't gonna pick.
All right.
Oh, I wonder what this could be?