The Neighborhood (2018) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Let me guess, you're either hiding from our neighbor Dave, or the Jehovah's Witnesses are back.
Look, I just want to get my newspaper, but every time I go outside, the guy just sneaks up on me all quiet like a Prius.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, the other day, he cornered me talking about Michigan.
I spent 30 minutes listening to him rank the Great Lakes.
[LAUGHS.]
Yup, he did the same thing to me, and, ironically, Lake Superior not number one.
What kind of world do we live in where a man can't go outside his own home without having to say hello to his neighbor? What are you doing? He's hiding from Dave.
Why? The only thing scary about him are the tiny shorts he jogs in.
Tell me about it.
The last time I saw that much white meat it was fried and in a bucket.
[LAUGHTER.]
Well, I know he's not like most folks around here, but I think Dave is kind of cool.
All I know is, since they moved into this neighborhood, I feel like I'm on house arrest.
Well, I say don't you let fear of Dave imprison you, Pop.
Throw off the chains of your oppressor and go get that newspaper, my brother! But before you do, close your robe.
I can see your chicken nuggets.
Hey.
Dad, what are you doing? I'm seeing if Calvin's outside.
I want to give him something.
I was talking about your shorts.
Well, this is what people wear in California.
It's so you don't overheat when you're running.
That's smart, 'cause if I wore those to school I'd definitely get chased.
Yeah, by all the ladies.
Ready for school, Grover? Whoa, look at those sexy legs.
- Told you.
- Why are you still here? I thought you were going for a run.
Oh, I'm about to.
I was hoping to catch Calvin outside.
I want to give him a key to our house.
- Really? - Yeah.
Don't you think it's a little too soon for that? Uh, well, no, he's our neighbor.
We gave all our neighbors keys back in Michigan.
Grammy says people in Michigan are good, not like here where they're all criminals and Hollywood elites.
When did Grammy say that? Just now.
We're texting.
Oh, hey, guys, there's Calvin.
Buddy, have a great day.
Bye.
Mom, what do you think of Dad's shorts? Honestly, I thought they were yours.
- Hey, Calvin! - Oh.
Hey, Dave.
Hey, I'm glad I ran into you.
I want to give you something.
Really? There's enough fabric in those for pockets? Here you go.
What's that? Well, it's a key to our house.
I want you to have it.
I now pronounce us neighbors.
Nah, I'm good, man.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wh-What do you mean you're good? I don't need a key to your house.
What if there's an emergency, or you want to borrow something and we're not home, or it's my birthday and you want to throw me a surprise birthday party.
I'm not throwing you a surprise party.
Exactly what someone throwing me a surprise party would say.
Look, Dave, I don't know what it's like where you're from Oh, it is beautiful.
I mean, the trees, they go on for miles.
Okay, look, that's-that's not what I'm talking about.
Around here, we don't give out keys to people we just met.
Well, how come? Simple, people are terrible.
No, they're not, people are great.
You should try giving them the benefit of the doubt.
I do.
I doubt them every day.
Okay, look, just take the key, okay? O-Okay, if I take this key, can I go read my paper in peace? Absolutely.
Oh, fine.
All right, talk to you later.
See you.
Oh, and just one more thing, um Dave, we had a deal.
I was just wondering, is there anything maybe that you want to give to me? Yes, some advice.
Stop jogging through the neighborhood in your hot pants.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
I thought you guys were going to the park.
It's kind of hot out, so we thought we'd just hang out here instead.
Dad says he doesn't want to go outside because Mr.
Calvin didn't give him a key.
Grover, it's called father/son confidentiality.
Are you still hung up on this key thing? It's awkward now.
Like when you wave to someone who you thought was waving to you, but they weren't.
I told you to stop waving at everyone.
I'm a waver, Gemma.
It's what I do.
You know I love how enthusiastic you are, but sometimes it can get a little out of hand.
Name one time.
You proposed to me on our third date.
Yeah.
That is because we had just had sex.
I'm just saying sometimes you're ready for things before other people are.
It might take a while for Calvin.
Yeah, but it's been a month, and by that time we had had a bunch of sex.
Come on, baby, I'll take you, and if you want to connect to Calvin, maybe you should try finding something you guys have in common.
I'll try, but this guy doesn't even have a favorite lake.
- What up! What up! - Oh, hey, baby.
Well, I see you brought your laundry again.
That's right, colors and a few whites, just like this neighborhood since the Johnsons moved in.
Well, here, let me take those for you.
Ma, how come you still do Marty's laundry, but you won't do mine? It's because he doesn't live here.
It's how I make sure I see my baby boy.
Yeah, if she wants to see you, all she has to do is check the couch.
Baby, leave him alone.
He's looking for a job.
What job? Manager of throw pillows? [LAUGHING.]
Yeah, that sounds like a cushy job.
Oh, and by the way, this fell out of your pocket in the wash.
- [GROANS.]
- What's wrong? It's a key to Dave's house.
He gave it to me in case of an emergency.
Like I'm gonna help him in an emergency.
I think that's nice.
We could all learn a lesson from Dave, how to open our hearts to our neighbors, right? That guy can't teach me anything.
Well, you know, I'm glad he moved in.
Giving out keys, waving at everybody.
He is the most entertaining thing to happen around here since Crackhead Victor found that horse.
Remember when he tried to footrace him? [LAUGHTER.]
Ay, well, you might not like it, Pop, but, uh, Dave lives here now.
That makes him part of our community.
No, no, it doesn't.
You don't let someone into your community just because they give you a spare key.
Come on now, let's go work on this truck.
Aw, come on, Pop.
That truck is always broke, and it never works.
Then you two got something in common.
Come on now.
Hey, guys.
What year is that, a '64? Close, '65.
Oof, should've known.
'64 didn't have turn signals above the headlights.
Oh, you sound like you know a thing or two about trucks, Dave.
Well, you know, I am from Michigan.
Detroit, the Motor City, The D.
Dave from The D! See you guys got a V-8 in there instead of the straight six.
That's like 50 more horses, huh? Yes, it is.
So I guess you do know your stuff.
Yeah, like I said, Dave from the D.
Dad, I want to use the iPad.
Are you done googling Mr.
Calvin's truck? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
What is wrong with you? Googling another man's truck? Bruh.
I was just trying to find some common ground with you.
[SCOFFS.]
What, by lying to us that you know about trucks? - Yeah.
- Yeah, but in a neighborly way.
Wh-What's going on here, man? Uh, look, I know I don't always show my emotions.
But the other day when I gave you a key and you didn't give me one back, it bothered me.
Bruh.
You know what? You want a key? You know what? Fine.
Here.
Here's a damn key.
Are you sure? I don't want to impose.
Okay.
I can't believe you like that guy.
I can't believe you gave him a key.
I gave him a key.
I didn't give him the key.
Okay, then what was that one to? Oh, that was to your Uncle Clyde's storage locker in West Covina.
Yeah, if ever he needs 35 broken TVs or a box of autographed Hammer pants, he all set.
- [WHISTLING.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
Ooh, look at you looking all fresh and sexy.
Girl, you treating me like a piece of meat.
[LAUGHS.]
And I like it.
Mmm.
What's got you all riled up? Well, Gemma told me about how you gave Dave the key, and it got me to thinking what a big, generous man I married, and I guess it put me in a generous mood, too.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Yeah, you know, baby, a-about the key - you know, I-I was - No, no, listen, baby.
Shh.
Don't be embarrassed, okay? I love it when you're not afraid to let people see past that rough and tough exterior.
Makes me know that you are still that big, soft teddy bear that I married and I'm in love with.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- Yeah? - Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
And you know what bears like? Honey.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
That taste good, too.
- Uh-huh.
- [LAUGHING.]
I made the boys go to the movies, so I will be waiting for you in the cave.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Man, I know that key was fake, but Lord, this about to get real.
Today is a good day [LAUGHS.]
Nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah My, this smells good up in here.
Ah.
I'm making banana pancakes.
I'll fix you a plate.
Sit down.
All right.
Ma, what's got you in such a good mood? Well, let's just say while you and your brother were out last night, your father and I had a sensual evening.
And there goes my appetite.
Today is a good day, today is a good day Nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, nah, nah - Yeah, baby.
- How you doing, baby? - Mwah.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
I would ask for some more honey, but I believe we fresh out.
Ooh.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, man.
That was family honey.
You want me to make you a plate, babe? Yeah.
You know, I'll be right back.
- I'm-a go get my paper.
- Oh, guess what.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll keep it warm for you.
[LAUGHS.]
You always do.
[LAUGHS.]
Enjoy your pancakes, son.
Your father's a good man.
Yeah? And why do you say that? Well, he's finally starting to open up to Dave, just like I told him to do.
Yeah, opened up by giving him a fake key.
A fake key? Now what now? You know, look, Dave wouldn't let it go, Ma, so Dad just gave him a fake key to shut him up.
[SIGHS.]
So he didn't listen to me? He doesn't listen to anyone.
And to think I spent all morning getting honey out of my sheets! - Ah.
Yeah.
- [DOOR RATTLING.]
What? Hey, baby.
Tina? The door locked accidentally.
[DOOR RATTLING.]
You thought you was slick.
Lying to me about giving Dave the key? - Babe, let me explain.
- Oh.
You're gonna explain.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Wait.
What you ? Who you calling? Hey, Dave! Yeah.
Can you do me a favor? I'm at the store, and apparently, Calvin locked himself outside.
Uh-huh.
[LAUGHS.]
Big dummy.
Tina, come on.
Baby, I'm your husband.
We were sensual last night.
Oh, you will? Oh.
Thanks so much, Dave.
You're the best.
[LAUGHS.]
And you ain't.
Hey, Malcolm? Hey, Malcolm! Malcolm, come on, man.
Your mama trippin'.
Come and unlock the door! I can't help you, bruh.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey, Calvin, I just got off with Tina.
Got your keys right here.
Malcolm! Malcolm, come on, open the door, please.
I love you, son.
- I told you you wouldn't regret this.
- [LAUGHS.]
All right, let me open her up for you.
All right.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
Here we go.
There we go.
Why are you blocking the door? - I'm not blocking the door.
- Okay.
[LAUGHS, MUMBLES.]
Gotta change these out.
This isn't a key to your house, is it? - Of course it is.
- You sure? Sure I'm sure.
So if I put this key in that lock, that door'll open? It will not.
- Unbelievable! - Look, Dave, no.
Let me explain it to you, Dave.
Don't be like that.
Dave! Dave from the D! What are you making? Mac and cheese.
I needed some comfort food.
Why is it brown? All we had was chocolate milk.
Sweetie, you got to get over this Calvin thing.
But we're neighbors.
We should be friends.
I know you're upset, but you do realize this is kind of your fault.
How? Come on, admit it.
The real reason you gave Calvin a key is because you were hoping he'd give you one.
Like when you give me a back rub because you want one, too.
Oh, that's not true.
I don't even like back rubs.
I do it because I want to have sex.
Exactly.
You're not giving it because you want to, you're giving it because you want something in return.
In fact, sometimes I think the only reason you wave at everybody is because you want them to wave at you.
How dare you? Just saying, maybe you should think about it while you wallow in your disgusting pity pasta.
What are you doing here? I got to get my laundry back.
Man, I'm down to my swimming trunks.
Hey.
Yeah, well, I don't think you want to be here.
Moms is still not talking to Pops, and he's blaming me for ratting him out.
Okay, well, in that case, I'm just gonna turn these inside out.
Well, well, well.
If it ain't the dynamic duo: Laundry Boy and the Snitch.
You know, I got a job.
I could just buy some new underwear.
Hey, Marty.
Mommy was just about to fold your laundry.
- Hmm.
- Oh, yeah, and here's yours.
Oh.
Thanks.
Okay.
All right.
All right, Tina.
Babe, I already apologized for not being straight with you.
I mean, what else do you want? I want you to apologize to Dave for lying to him.
But it was one little white lie.
Yeah, to one little white guy.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Besides, I don't owe him an apology.
All I wanted to do was work on my truck and live my life.
But he wouldn't let it go.
Oh, yeah, Pops, you're right.
You the real victim here.
- See? - I was being sarcastic.
I know, but it was working, right? Listen, I know Dave can be a little extra, but he's our neighbor, and you are a better man than that.
- Is he? - Not really.
Yes, he is.
Who built the manger for our Christmas pageant? Who fixed Old Mrs.
Kim's transmission for free? And who held a fundraiser to fix all the basketball courts in the park? Okay.
Nice try, Tina.
See, I see what you're doing right here.
You're doing that thing where you try to make me feel bad for being such a good person.
- It's working, isn't it? - Damn right it is.
Ugh.
Hey, Gemma.
Hey, Calvin.
Is Dave here? Hold on, let me check.
- He says he's not here.
- Okay.
Dave, come on, man.
Calvin.
Look, I shouldn't have done you wrong like that, so I brought you a real key.
No, I don't want it anymore.
Come on, man, take the key.
I told you I don't want it.
Come on, man, take the key.
- No.
- Dave, take it.
- No, thank you.
- You know what? You really trying to outrun me, Calvin? Yeah.
You're lucky I didn't stretch.
Okay, look, I realize now that I gave you this key for the wrong reason.
I was trying to force you to be my friend.
Clearly, you're not interested.
[SIGHS.]
You know, Dave, you seem like a nice guy.
Thank you.
But friendship starts with trust.
And for you, that may come easy, but it doesn't for me.
I mean, only trust people that I have a history with.
And that takes time.
- Okay.
- All right.
I hear you.
I understand.
Good.
Good.
You want to start to make history right now.
That's not what I meant at all.
Okay.
Okay.
I-I've got a good idea.
Just hear me out.
It's an old classic we use at work.
It's called a trust fall.
Oh, no.
No.
I'm not doing none of that hippy-dippity hacky sack nonsense.
Calvin, please just give me this.
No.
Not feeling it.
Well, maybe what you're feeling is scared.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm not scared.
Prove it.
Okay.
All right.
If I do this, we'll be done? I promise.
This is what I get for being better than everybody else.
Okay, this-this is gonna be great.
Now turn around.
- Okay.
You got turn all right.
- I-I-I got it.
Turn around.
Turn around, cross your arms.
- [SIGHING.]
: All right.
- Okay, take a deep breath in.
- [INHALES.]
- Okay.
And fall back into my arms.
I can't do it, man.
I can't do it.
Okay.
You're doing great.
- Now fall back into my arms.
- Okay.
Stop rushing my trust.
All right? - I'm-I'm gonna do it.
- All right.
All right, I'll do it.
Here we go.
Arms crossed, deep breath.
And, uh I'm falling.
- Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
- You did it.
- Oh, you got me.
Okay.
- I got you.
- All right.
- Okay.
Okay.
Okay, now.
[GRUNTS.]
Upsy-daisy.
Yeah.
Nah, Dave, you know, it's like you said.
You know, I'm starting to feel something historical here.
- You know? - [GROANING.]
I'm starting to feel something, too, man.
Up we go.
No, you know, get comfortable, Dave.
You know, 'cause it's like I said, you know, trust takes time.
You know? So tell me about those lakes again.
- You know, and where you grew up.
- [GROANING.]
I always wondered about.
I know it's Superior, that's the main one, everybody knows.
- Is Ontario a lake? - Yeah.
How far are you from Eight Mile, where Eminem grew up? You ? Oh, man, this is great.
This is like a Sleep Number bed.
It's actually very nice.
[GROANS.]
Gemma.
Uh, can you get me another bag of peas for my back? This one's all mushy.
- I'll bring one right up.
- Okay.
And could you bring me some aspirin? - Sure, honey.
- Thanks.
And then maybe a snack.
Just something salty but not crunchy.
Okay, Dave.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
Hey.
Hey, Tina.
I just came to check on Dave.
How's his back? It's killing me.
Aw.
Well, tell him to feel better.
Oh, and I also wanted to bring you a key to our house.
Are you sure it's okay with Calvin? [BOTH LAUGH.]
Boys are stupid.