The Neighbors s01e03 Episode Script

Previously on "The Neighbours" These are the Weavers.
This is there new house.
And these are their new neighbours.
I'm Larry Bird, leader of this community and immediate neighbor to your west.
We're just living amidst golf cart-driving pie makers with names of professional athletes.
I'm sure there's an explanation for this.
We hope that you will consider staying.
We believe there's much we could learn from one another.
Debbie Waever.
Hi.
I'm alright.
It's good to see you lady friend.
Yeah, it's been like to while hours.
Forgive me.
I went through whole centurys without any girlfriends on Zabvron.
It's very hard to have close friends when your husband is supreme leader.
But now I have you.
Let us chere gossip.
Who is chatting with Dennis Rodman at our weekly nuclear safety meeting? - And he told me - Wait.
Nuclear what? that Venus Williams caught Mike Tyson feeding Maria Sharapova's alpaca tulips from Kareem Adbdul-Jabbar's garden.
I think we all know what that means.
- Do we? - Now I'll paint your claws while we wait for our lady clocks to synchronize.
- You have to really put your back into it - I know, dad.
- Otherwise, the spaceship wax won't adhere.
- I know, dad.
And if meteor dust penetrates the finish, - then you're in a real bind.
- I know, dad.
Concentric circles, not the opposite.
then you'll be in real trouble.
Polishing.
Polishing.
Polishing.
Go ahead.
See if you can get a high gloss.
Concentric circles.
Is this cool or what? Hey, Mr.
Weaver.
- What are you doing? - Hey, kiddo.
I'm changing the oil.
Listen, call me "Marty.
" It would be my honor, Mar ty.
Reggie Jackson! Time to push your father across the windshield.
Or we could stay here and watch Marty change his oil.
It's a classic human maintenance ritual.
Stand back, Marty.
I'll lubricate your machine before you can say, "I am a lesser species.
" Knock yourself out, Tron.
Dad.
- Larry.
Why did you touched that? - Sorry.
Sorry.
Look what you did.
- What now? - Larry bird coated me in oil and then sponged me with spaceship wax.
Well, Jackie Joyner-Kersee painted my nails.
Apparently, it tells the story of her people.
Oh, by the way, Mike tyson was spotted feeding Maria Sharapova's alpaca Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's flowers.
Okay, we need to start spending more time with humans.
- Yeah, we need more humans.
- Yeah.
That's a good idea.
S01E03 Things Just Got Real That's fantastic.
Okay.
Well, no, I'll just text you the address.
I'll see you in a little bit.
Scott and Tracy are in? They are so in.
This is perfect.
My folks have the kids And we have four of our best couples locked and loaded for this evening.
I'm gonna go to the garage.
I'm gonna get my poker table.
I gotta get some fatty foods.
What are you gonna do with the girls? Well, there's a new tapas restaurant.
I've heard good things.
A little girl talk, a little sangria, I'll be a new woman.
You're great when you drink sangria.
I'm the best version of myself when I drink sangria.
This is what we need, honey.
A night with human friends, No explaining, no green slime.
Speaking of which, What are we gonna do about, uh, you know? Right.
We told them they could come over and feel our hair tonight.
Come on.
Again? They have their own hair.
What is so special about our hair? I don't get it.
Well, at least they stopped asking to put lotion on us.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, we're gonna have to come up with some kind of excuse, Okay, but we have to be gentle.
We don't want to upset Larry.
Why are you so worried about upsetting Larry? - You don't know? - No.
- It's a whole thing with him.
- What? Because he's their leader, every time he feels pain or rejection, the whole community feels it with him.
- Oh, please.
- I'm telling you.
Watch.
Hi, guys.
Hey.
How are ya? That's so mean! That was so hurtful.
Okay.
A little white lie never killed anyone.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Come in.
Come in.
We've been waiting.
Hey, Mr.
Weaver.
Hey! How you doing, kid? Okay, if I'm not feeling hair within five seconds, there's gonna be a problem.
Hey.
So we have some, uh, bad news, guys.
We are going to have to cancel tonight.
It seems we totally forgot we have friends coming over tonight, so From Bayonne.
Oh, wonderful, Debbie Weaver.
I cannot wait to meet your other friends.
We would love for you guys to come tonight Yeah, but it's it's a real jersey crowd, You know, it's a couple of blue-collar dudes - And some housewives.
Ugh.
- Yeah, and you guys being so alien-y, You might not fit in, and it's leaving too much to chance.
Yeah.
As much as we would love to have you guys there - Oh, we would so love to have you.
- So much.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
But please don't come.
- It's really important that you don't come.
- Yeah.
- Okay? - Okay.
Don't come.
Stay put.
- Stay here.
- Stay in the living room.
- It's so nice here.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - I think they want us to come.
- We should shave their heads.
Then we could feel their hair anytime we felt like it.
Hello, mother.
Oh, hello, Reggie Jackson.
Is something troubling you, Reggie? It's my father.
He refuses to fit in.
Why can't he be more like Marty Weaver? Marty is so cool.
Yes.
You seem troubled as well, mother.
I'm Debbie Weaver's best friend.
It's clear she wants me there tonight.
She's just worried I won't fit in.
Oh, if only I knew how to behave like a real human, Like a real housewife.
I borrowed Amber's telephone.
She watches this television program religiously.
They watch television on their telephones? Don't ask.
It's exactly what you're looking for, mother.
New Jersey housewives.
Real housewives.
They seem very mentally imbalanced.
They don't just give anyone television shows, mother.
These women must be pillars of society.
You're right, Reggie.
Tell me more about these real housewives.
Best I can tell, the job of a real housewife - is to denigrate other housewives - Done.
- Stir up controversy whenever possible - Easy.
- Talk about how rich your husband is - Well, hello.
And occasionally, Say really melodramatic things directly to camera.
But why? - Beautiful! - Marty, this is great! - I know, right? - God, look at this place! It's a fricking castle! - Congratulations.
- Floors are bamboo.
Ooh, from bayonne to bamboo.
Look at you guys.
You did it! This is great.
Come on.
We'll give you the tour, the the rest of the gang will be here soon.
Great little development, by the way.
What are the neighbors like? Regard me, husband.
What are you wearing? I am dressed like a real housewife.
Which you would know if you just bought us a telephone to watch television on.
I will not have my family mindlessly sitting around a telephone watching television all day.
Well, I'm going to join Debbie Weaver and her female friends.
Do you think marty weaver would allow me to sit quietly and learn the customs of his poker night? Nonsense.
You have nothing to learn from those men.
But you may watch as I dominate them, And then you'll see whose customs are worth learning.
I'm here to dominate the men.
And I'm here to hang with the bitches.
What are we gonna do? I just wanted a night with normal human beings.
And what the hell is she wearing? What are we gonna do? - I don't know.
- You don't know? - I don't know.
- Mark and Mindy are making small talk with our friends in our living room.
Think, Marty! - Well, we can't exactly ask them to leave.
- Why not? - Why not? - Why not? Because the second we hurt Larry's feelings, The whole neighborhood's gonna run into the streets crying and wailing.
You wanna explain that to our friends or should I? So we have no choice.
We just gotta get through it as quickly as possible.
Like the time you made me watch "Downtown Abbey.
" - "Downton Abbey.
" - What? I know.
I thought that was - Who does Maggie Smith play? - She played abbey.
- Oh, come on! - No, I'm kidding.
I loved it.
Look Common enemy.
- Let's get 'em.
- Okay.
Son, come feel the felt.
Dad, I really don't think you're supposed to feel the felt.
If they didn't want you to feel the felt, - They wouldn't call it - Okay, so what do you say we wante up and play? Here we go.
So What are the origins of your involvement with Marty Weaver? Oh, we're lifers.
Me and this jackass go all the way back to Trenton elementary.
Jackass.
And pete over there we went to college together.
He was my best man.
And who supplanted him? To ladies' night! And to this sangria, may it rest in peace, 'cause I'm about to kill it.
Ooh.
Sorry.
Watch it, tramp! Maybe it's no big thing to spill it all over your skank wrap, but some of us are dripping in class and luxury.
What the hell? Jackie, what are you doing? Don't worry, Debbie Weaver.
I've been studying Real housewives on one of your telephone programs.
Oh, no.
Jackie! So, Tracy How does it feel to know that Liz has the hots for your husband? So we're not crazy.
Okay, that freak To be honest, I didn't really think that Liz was interested in Tracy's husband, but dinner was getting a little bit boring, so I thought I'd spice things up a little bit.
So how long has it been going on? There is nothing happening.
Okay? We just play "words with friends" at night, and sometimes we do that little chat thing in the corner.
Uh-oh.
Things just got real.
Three wizards and two princesses.
I win again.
Observe, Reggie, your father dominating the humans.
The other humans, because what, we're all humans, right? Okay, so, Larry, listen, I want to thank you for stopping by and playing with us, but But now it is time to move on to the true point of the evening.
Honoring our fathers.
Now where I'm from The UK.
He's from the UK.
Oh, yes.
Yes, of course.
Now on UK, when males gather, it is important to pay tribute to our fathers.
Reggie, emit a yelp of honor for papa.
- I don't want to.
They don't do that here.
- Emit for papa.
- I don't want to.
- Emit for papa! Moo! Thank you.
Okay, so that awkwardly concludes the father tribute portion of our poker game.
My old man would've turned 75 this week.
- He was a good man.
- He was a coldhearted bastard.
The only time he ever said "I love you" was through his trach hole as he lay dying in his hospital bed.
I love you, son.
Hey, at least you heard it, man.
At least he heard it.
Right, fellas? Well, you didn't wear underwear to my wedding! Oh, well, news flash.
Your baby looks like Ed Asner! Oh! Don't you dare talk about my baby! You're gonna stab me? Over Tracy, put the knife down.
Liz, you sit down.
- Well, if you ask me - I didn't.
And, Jackie, I don't want you to say another word until you and I have spoken in private.
Oh! Well, here we go.
That is classic Debbie.
Mom's here! What is that supposed to mean, Tracy? Oh, please.
You're always telling us what to do.
It's, like, who died and made you queen of New Jersey? Because the last time I checked, it was still Mrs.
Bon Jovi.
The truth is, the Mrs.
Bon Jovi reference was lost on me, but Jackie, shut up! Stop talking to the wall! I've had enough.
All I wanted was a relaxing evening out with my girlfriends.
This is exactly why I didn't want you to come tonight.
You didn't want me to come? I was lying.
That is what people do when they're trying to be polite.
Do I have to spell it out for you? I did not want you to come.
If you bitches will excuse me Can't this wait? These father tributes can be very moving.
Although Pete's got a bit weird, didn't it? Yes, it did.
I can't take it anymore, Larry.
All I wanted to do was drink beer and play poker with my buddies.
You're ruining my night.
I mean, the least you could do is try and fit in.
I continue to be mystified by this human concept of fitting in.
If I wish to do as I please, whose life am I ruining? Mine.
Reggie? You wanted my father tribute.
Here you go.
I will never forget my father, How he brought me to a strange planet without ever asking me, and now he then refused to adapt.
It's called felt because it's fuzzing.
How because you feeling.
They don't pay tributes to their fathers.
They drink beer and talk sports.
And the cards aren't called wizards and princesses.
They're called goblins and mamas.
I hate you.
Larry, I don't want you to get upset about that.
Don't just I want don't be sad now.
You should Larry, don't be Larry.
Larry, easy! Oh, no, his son hates him! I can't take it anymore.
I'm going to jump.
Are you all right? I'm fine! Just sad.
Hey.
There's no need to waste your girls' night In here with me, Debbie Weaver.
You should go back to your real friends.
Actually, everyone else left.
What do you mean, my "real friends"? Well, clearly, I misunderstood our relationship.
Ooh.
No, don't sit.
That's a dirty floor and some bare thighs.
I thought I finally had a girlfriend, and all I wanted to do was be there for you.
That's really sweet, actually.
I'm sorry.
Sangria has some real high highs for me and some real low lows.
Well, I understand now that you don't want me around, so I won't be ruining any more of your nights.
Oh, can we do this standing up, please? No? Okay.
Jackie, I love having you around.
It's just that you and Larry Bird are still new at all this, and sometimes Marty and I need to be around people who we don't have to explain everything to.
I understand.
Larry and I are constantly complaining about how we have to dumb everything down for you and Marty.
It's quite tedious, actually.
Well, apparently, you're not the only friend of mine who finds me tedious.
What? Oh, you're not bothered by what Tracy said, are you? It's so obvious that she's just jealous.
Go on.
Did you see the way those women looked at your house? Really? Total bamboo-envy.
Also, you have the best hair.
Not tonight, I don't.
Jackie, you're so pretty.
I mean, your dress is terrible, but you're so pretty.
I told you, highs and lows.
So We really are girlfriends then? Oh, Jackie.
We're crying on the floor of a public bathroom.
We're the definition of girlfriends.
Larry? Larry? Go away! I'm busy being happy.
Look, you got to admit, the kid's got a point.
Would it kill you to try a little harder to adapt? Adapt? Do you know how ridiculous that sounds to me? Imagine trying to fit in to a civilization run by well-meaning but mindless gerbils.
- Oh, well, I don't think that we - Imagine having to eat like gerbils, sleep like gerbils, bathe like gerbils.
.
Yeah, okay, I - Just to clarify, you are to me as gerbils are to you.
Wow.
I mean, I guess I didn't realize how much you hate it here, Larry.
I don't.
I just I fear it may be a very long time before we return to zabvron, and I worry my children will forget where they come from.
Well, you know, Listen, I When I was growing up, we would have Sunday supper.
every week, my mom would make nice veal parm, and I always figured that when I had my own family, I would do the same thing, but you know, Max has soccer on Sunday and Abby has gymnastics, and Amber doesn't believe in meat as a source of food.
She always struck me as the most evolved gerbil in your family.
Yeah, she is.
Thank you.
Look, Larry, I had to adjust.
So now every once in a while, I make eggplant parm, and the kids love it.
Amber, too.
She stopped calling it murder sauce, which is nice.
Look, you have to find ways to keep your culture alive, but you also have to be willing to adapt.
Sound advice, Marty Weaver.
Long walk to get there, but sound advice.
Yeah.
I know.
I thought the story would never end.
- I was beginning to panic.
- Okay, we're done.
I I looked into it.
The people on the playing cards are referred to as "kings" and "queens.
" I didn't know that.
I stole it from the Weavers.
They have seven.
More televisions than people.
Oh, this is an excellent show.
Oh, father, this isn't a Yes.
You're right.
It's a that's a very popular program.
I can see why.
I'm filling up with warmth.
Step one of my healing process! Milady.
What's scary is that this isn't even the craziest part of my night.
Same here.
How was girls' night? We got into a bar fight.
How was guys' night? Everyone talked about their dads and cried.
I think I really like them, Marty.
I know.
I know.
Me, too.
So I don't want to alarm you, but, Larry Bird stole our flat screen.
Okay.
Oh, I did not see that coming.
.