The Odd Couple (2015) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Hey, Oscar.
Casey, - you're back.
- Hey.
I thought you were shooting a commercial in Madrid, then a week in Turkey, then back on the 21st, British Airways Flight 117.
Or something like that.
That was the plan, but it got changed because of a war.
- Ugh, rude.
- So I'm back, but then off to London in the morning.
Oh, sounds like we have just enough time for another date.
Oh, I'd love to, but I should probably sleep off this jet lag.
Sleep? For jet lag? That's, like, the worst thing you can do.
I'm glad you ran into me.
Oh, really? What would you suggest? Well, your body needs a workout.
You really need to keep it moving.
So, like a run? Yes, but with less vertical pressure on the knees.
What you're looking for is something high-intensity, really get the heart pounding.
Definitely indoors.
And maybe - maybe with a partner.
- Huh.
It sounds like you're describing sex.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, where'd that come from? Wow, if this is your A-game, Madison, you should be sent down to the minors.
A sports reference.
God made you right.
Okay, we don't have enough time for a date, but can I at least offer you a drink? I do like to drink.
God, we have so much in common.
Here, let me get that.
- Oh, thanks.
- Wow, surprisingly light.
Oh, it's mostly bikinis.
- Oscar? - Yes, I'm Oscar! - Hey, Felix.
- Casey.
Oscar said you wouldn't be back until 8:35 - on the morning of the 21st.
- OSCAR: Just ignore him.
And whatever you do, don't ask him about the - Is that a vacuum cleaner? - vacuum cleaner.
Yes, I'm doing my monthly deep cleaning.
Did you know that the inside of the vacuum cleaner is the dirtiest part of the home? And why? Because all of the dirt from the home goes into the vacuum.
Ah.
- The more you know, huh? Let's get that cocktail.
- Yeah.
This one's on its last legs, but I just can't bring myself to pull the plug.
(laughs) It's good to have a sense of humor.
Especially today of all days.
Why? What's today? Hmm? Huh? Oh, uh, nothing.
(mumbling): Just my birthday.
- What? - Hmm? - Happy birthday! - Oh.
- Come here.
- (chuckles) No, I don't want any fuss.
As you wish.
Here we go.
Uh, first birthday as a newly single man.
Whoo, hoo, hoo.
Ugh.
Are you gonna be okay? Oh, no, the birthday part's fine.
It just also happens to be the anniversary of the day that I met Ashley, so You met your wife on your birthday? It's a cute story.
I'll tell you some other time.
- Okay.
- But if you like cute stories, it's right up there.
I want to hear it.
He was cleaning a vacuum.
We just had to go ten feet.
I was at my local roller rink, taking advantage of their "skate for free on your birthday" policy.
You're a skater? (chuckling): Oh, please.
- I caught the bug when I was a boy.
- Aw.
And you know what they say about roller skating.
Nothing.
They say nothing about roller skating.
"You can't get that feeling till you're out there a-wheeling.
" (chuckles) Anyway, I'm out there gliding along, and I see this gorgeous creature stumble.
Oscar.
She scrapes her perfect knee, and then we get to talking.
I invite her back to my place because I have a first aid kit, which (laughing): I know sounds like a sexual ploy (chuckles sarcastically) It really doesn't.
And the rest is history.
Anyway, every year after that, Ashley and I would just happen to meet each other there on the rink on my birthday.
Oh, my God, that's so cute.
Even though we haven't been talking, part of me wonders if maybe she might lace up the old skates and No, no, no.
She's not gonna be there.
She kicked you out.
She's moving on.
- You've got to move on, too.
- Yep.
That's right.
I'm Yep.
Um, excuse me.
I'm just gonna get some air.
- Attaboy.
Okay.
- Yep.
Oscar, stop.
How could you treat him like that? You're supposed to be his friend.
I am his friend.
I told him the truth.
(sighs loudly) - What was that? - That's Felix.
I'll take care of it.
(sighing loudly) That's your solution? Unbelievable.
Your friend is in pain, and all you can think about is scoring with a pretty girl.
Really? You think you're pretty? I don't see it.
And you're wrong about me.
I do care about him.
In fact, I have something planned for him for later.
It's gonna be really exciting.
Well, he doesn't seem so excited.
Well, he doesn't know about it yet.
So it's like a surprise birthday party? Yes, like a surprise birthday party! - That's so nice.
- So what do you think of me now? FELIX: I'll tell you what I think of you, Oscar Madison.
I think you are the best friend a fella's ever had.
Come here! (grunts) And don't worry, I will do my best to look surprised.
Is this a friend or what? Oscar, I thought you were this gruff guy, but when I see how protective you are of Felix, it's kind of sweet.
So how about that drink? Well, I would really love to, but I just remembered there's a few last-minute things I need to take care of for tonight.
I mean, all the big stuff's done 'cause I planned this, like, way in advance.
But I do need to pop into that party store, the one on, uh 71st Street? Yes.
Good.
And it has that obscure cross street - Broadway? - Yes, that's the one.
So I'll go there, and why don't you go upstairs to sleep off some of that jet lag, and I'll meet you here tonight.
I thought you said sleeping was bad for jet lag.
You know I'm not really a doctor, right? What's going on? All I could hear on the phone was "emergency".
All I heard was "life or death.
" "Doughnuts.
" Look, it's Felix's birthday, and it kind of got past me, and I need you guys to help me put together a party for tonight.
This is your life-or-death emergency? I figured you got shot by a jealous husband or a an angry athlete or your ex-wife.
Damn, a lot of people hate you.
I'm getting a sinking feeling about the doughnuts.
Oscar, you you know this is my day off, right? Yes, but I didn't call you as my assistant; I called you as my friend.
No, Roy's your friend.
I'm getting time and a half.
Come on, guys, this is Felix, and he needs us.
And it's just a few small things.
What do you need? Food and drinks.
Also ice, cake, decorations, gifts, music and guests.
So you've done everything except all of it.
All right, I'll take care of ice and guests.
Oh, and I need you guys to be the guests.
Guests.
All right, what the hell? My daughter's having a sleepover tonight, - so I'm happy to get out of the house.
- Where's Felix now? Oh, he'll be gone the whole rest of the day.
I sent him to the Container Store.
It's his happy place.
He always says the only thing that they can't contain is his enthusiasm for the Container Store.
(phone rings) Here you go, Time and a Half.
Oscar Madison's office.
It's someone about the party.
Yeah, I've been calling people from a list of his contacts.
Hi.
Hello.
Yes, I didn't get your RSVP for Felix Unger's birthday party.
Really? Damn post office! No, you don't have to worry about bringing a gift.
Although, if it's on your way, I could use 50 pounds of ice.
Great.
Ice.
(violin playing) Okay, we got guests, food, music.
Isn't that the weird guy that plays on the subway for change? Go away, Roy.
And Teddy's coming by later with the cake.
Am I forgetting anything? Uh, let's see.
To reimburse me for all the stuff I bought.
To tell me I look nice for the party.
To show some appreciation for me working on my day off.
I don't have a lot of time.
Pick one.
- (doorbell rings) - Tell me I look pretty.
Well, you do.
You look beautiful.
Boy, you better stop playing with me.
Hey, Emily, where's your sister? Until I was ten, I thought "Where's your sister?" was my last name.
Ooh, that must have been rough.
So, you know, where is she? Casey's still getting ready, but it shouldn't take long.
She just holds her arms out and the birds dress her.
Nice vacuum.
Here, let me go in on that with you.
Here's 20 bucks.
It cost $300.
Well, write my name small.
Here's your cake.
Sorry I can't stay.
- The hell you can't.
- Hey, watch your language.
My wife reminded me that I promised to host the sleepover.
I'm not sure I did, but is this the hill I want to die on? Well, bring them in here.
I need bodies to fill out the room.
But we're supposed to play games and tell stories and have a tea party.
You can do all that in here.
This is the perfect place to have a princess party.
Is it okay to mix rum and anti-anxiety medication? Welcome to the enchanted castle, miladies.
- Milady.
- Yeah.
Hey, sweetie, you remember Mr.
Madison.
He talks about sports on the radio.
Daddy's favorite client.
Oh, yeah.
You take ten percent, and he does all the work.
(Teddy chuckles) Oh, honey, that's an at-home joke.
(jangling) Ooh, ooh.
It's Felix.
FELIX: Oh, what a long, disappointing day! No friends around to cheer me up.
Oh, well! I guess I'll just spend a quiet night alone drinking tea.
Just boil up some WA WA What?! ALL: Surprise! - Happy birthday, buddy.
- Oh, Oscar, thank you.
This is exactly what I needed to keep my mind off of Ashley: being surrounded by my closest my close my I don't think I know some of these people.
What are you talking about? There's your friend Ken and your old neighbors the Fishers, who were kind enough to bring ice.
And there's your favorite waitress from Santino's Deli, who looks a lot different when she's not wearing her name tag.
- Maureen.
- Maureen.
Yes.
Maureen.
Happy Birthday, Gluten-free.
Thanks for coming, Maureen.
You got it, Extra Bacon.
And I have a surprise for you.
I'm sure you'll recognize eight-time NBA All-Star Dwight Howard.
Hi, Felix.
I'm eight-time NBA All-Star Dwight Howard, and I want to wish you a happy birthday.
I hope it's a real slam dunk.
Uh thank you? Now, now, Dwight, let's not hog the birthday boy.
Roy, fix this man a drink.
Oscar, you know I get paid for appearances like this? Hey, you lost a bet, man.
That's what happens when you question my Beyoncé knowledge.
(grunts) Oh, did you just run out and get this today? Oh, no, I bought it a month ago after I searched public records and found out when Felix's birthday was.
Mmm, sounds like somebody's got a little crush.
They're public records.
Anyone can look.
Anyone with a crush.
Hey.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
There she is, the guest of honor.
After Felix.
Of course, after Felix.
- Wow, it looks great.
- Now, now.
Tonight's not about me.
It's about my buddy Felix and how he was pulled back from the abyss by me.
- Speaking of which.
- Happy birthday, Felix.
Thank you.
Oscar, I was just having an odd conversation with a man called Milos.
Oh, you know Milos.
He's our FedEx guy.
Loves Felix.
Okay, well, he told me he was delivering a package - this afternoon and you invited him.
- Yes, invited him to RSVP to something that I sent him a month ago.
Look, I know he's your friend, Felix, but next year, I don't want him here.
Come on.
Do you like it, Daddy? Ooh, I love it.
I look so beautiful.
Mm.
Doesn't he look like a pretty princess? Well, Roy? Don't I look like a pretty princess? Yes? Damn right.
Keep walking.
(violin playing) He is very good.
Where have I seen him play? He looks like the guy who plays in the subway.
All right, gifts, everybody, gifts.
Everybody gather around the birthday boy.
Uh, Oscar, shouldn't we do the singing and cake first? We can do that on your birthday, Roy.
Oh.
You know, I didn't want to say anything, you know, 'cause Felix is in kind of a bad place, but coincidentally, today is also my b - Here we go.
- Hooray! Wow, you guys did not have to do this.
- Whoa, is this what I think it is? - It is.
It's from Casey and me.
And me, but you'll see that when you read the card.
Wow.
An actual Verschlagen.
What is it, like a fancy vacuum? Are you kidding me? The Verschlagen makes the Wolfmarten look like a Steinlutz.
Wow, these are not available in America.
How did you get this? Oh, it was nothing.
I searched online and I found a guy in Stuttgart who was willing to make a trade.
Once a month, I just have to send him a picture of Casey's bare feet.
Wait, what? Don't worry, I'll just do it when you're sleeping.
Well, thank you.
We should take it for a test drive.
Open mine.
Whoa.
- Oh, I see holes in the lid.
- Mm-hmm.
No, it can't be.
I (gasps) Whoa.
Oh.
- Aw.
- Adorable.
Right? She's so cheerful and happy, and I thought you could use some company.
That is so thoughtful of you.
You know, this bird is actually quite symbolic.
(bird tweets) Look at her, singing her happy song, even as she starts a new life in a strange place.
Maybe I, too, should be looking forward to the future with optimism and hope.
In fact, that will be your name.
- Aw.
(chuckles) - Hope.
Sorry.
Um, hey, Oscar, it's a great party, but my - flight leaves in eight hours, so - No, no, don't leave.
I was thinking maybe we could go to my place and have that drink.
Leave, leave.
Why are we standing here? Wow, Maureen, that is a lot of half and half.
Label says they're expired, but don't worry they always build in some wiggle room.
I will cherish these until last September.
Good night, ladies Good night, ladies Good night, ladies What's happening? What am I watching? We're going to leave you now.
Jim.
(laughs) Jim and I were in a singing group together in college.
That doesn't make it okay.
Great to see you, Jim.
You look great.
Where's Ashley? Oh, um No, we're, uh You split up? But you were so happy.
We were, yes.
I'm shocked.
We all thought you were the perfect couple.
I thought so, too.
The sun'll come out - To - Great to see you, Jim.
I got the Verschlagen working.
(bird shrieking) (Felix screaming) - Oh, God! Make it stop - Rever Reverse the flow.
- Reverse it.
- Make it stop.
I don't know how.
I can't.
Oh I'm so sorry, Felix, it it looks like Hope is gone.
For a brief moment, you had Hope, but no more.
When you find your soul mate, it's like this radar that goes, "Ping, that's the one.
Ping, that's the one.
" But the question is, when she leaves, how do you stop pinging? Because that that is the torture.
You're making Buddy sad.
Sorry, Buddy.
I guess what I'm saying, girls, is life is not like a princess movie.
Sometimes the princess leaves.
Why? Oh.
Good luck getting a straight answer.
No, it could be a million things.
Could be the way that he re-cleans the castle after she spent the whole day on it.
Maybe it's his insistence on the proper usage of the word "whom.
" A prince doesn't let a princess get away.
Even if she hates him.
He always comes back.
Even if it takes 100 years.
Oh, God Oh, God, I'm sorry about the mess.
I hate to clean.
- Marry me.
- Whoa, I didn't realize it had gotten so late.
My plane leaves in seven hours.
Seven hours, huh? Usually I'd insist on stretching first, but since we're in a race against the clock, I'll just have you sign a release.
Do you have a pen? Casey, I'm looking for Oscar.
He's not here.
Felix disappeared from the party, and he seemed really depressed.
He's not answering his phone.
I mean, what if he's out wandering the streets? Well, you've got a Verschlagen.
Just suck him back up.
Oscar.
(sighs) Did he just leave? Did he talk to anybody? Last time I saw him, he was talking to the princesses.
They were having tea and talking about true love and happy endings.
I think I know where he went.
- Well, where? I'll go get him.
- No, I'll go.
Oscar, why don't we let Emily go get him? No, I should go.
He needs a friend right now.
I'm going.
Here I go.
I can't move.
My body's at war with itself.
No, this feels wrong.
He's been doing that nearly an hour.
Just around and around.
Guess I should tell him we're closing soon.
Just give me one second with him.
It's his birthday.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No one allowed past that line without skates.
Felix.
Oscar.
What are you doing here? I came to bring you back to the party.
Everybody's worried about you.
I'm not leaving till they close.
I don't think she's coming back, man.
How do you know? Maybe she had a change of heart or she got stuck in traffic or a million other things.
I know this is really hard, but you got to let it go.
Do you think that she at least thought about it? Do you think that she looked at the date and was tempted to see if I was here? Of course she thought I've fallen.
- Just give me one second.
- Okay, okay, sure.
You know, this is probably a really hard day for Ashley, too.
Did you ever think of that? No.
Look, I don't know what's going on over there, but I can guarantee you one thing: she didn't forget you.
Felix Unger is many things, but he's not forgettable.
Thank you, Oscar.
You are a good friend.
- No, I'm not.
- Why not? I completely forgot about your birthday, and I just threw the whole party together at the last minute.
Yes, yes, I kind of figured that out.
- Really? How? - Well, the guest list gave it away.
- Also, I caught the violinist using my shower.
- Ah.
Still, you are a good friend.
Aw, how can you say that? Because you showed up.
Oh.
We should go.
Ooh, that knee does not look good.
You know what? I have a first aid kit back at the apartment.
You know, when you say it that way, it does sound like a sexual ploy.
So, are you going over to Casey's? No, it's past midnight, I think I blew it.
(cell phone chimes) Is that you? Oh "Hope you had a good birthday.
" Ashley? Yep.
Oh, that's great, buddy, I'm glad, you deserve it.
(cell phone chimes) That's you.
"This is what I'm wearing, right now.
" Yikes.
Casey? Maureen, the waitress wearing only her name tag.
Yikes.
Well, this phone's ruined, happy birthday, buddy.
That's a funny place for a name tag.