The Office (US) s01e03 Episode Script

Pam.
Pamela.
Pam-elama-ding-dong.
- Making copies.
- I'm not making any copies.
Let's go.
Messages.
Stat.
Lots to do, lots to do.
Information superhighway.
- Nothing new.
- Lay them on moi.
What? - There's nothing new.
- That's not what you said earlier.
Do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family.
I give them money.
I give them food.
Not directly, but through the money.
I heal them.
Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan.
Right? That's what this is all about.
Does that make me their doctor? Um Yes, in a way.
Yeah.
Like a specialist.
So, which health plan have you decided on? I am going to go with the best, Jan.
I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic massage, the works.
None of the plans have acupuncture.
Have you looked at them closely? I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the Gold Plan.
The Gold Plan? I'm not even on that plan.
- Well, I'd recommend it.
It's very good.
- Michael.
- You gotta crack these things open.
- We're doing this to save money.
So you just need to pick a provider and choose the cheapest plan.
Well, that is kind of a tough assignment.
- Um It won't be popular around the orifice.
- It's your job.
Well, it's a suicide mission, you know.
- Michael Maybe I mean - There there Sometimes a manager like yourself has to deliver the bad new to the employees.
- I do it all the time.
- When have you ever done that? I'm doing it right now.
To you.
Last night on Trading Spouses Have you seen it? - No.
I have a life.
- Interesting.
What's that like? - You should try it sometime.
- Wow.
But then who would watch my TV? That is - Your problem.
- Jimbo! Ha-ha-ha! There's a decision that needs to be made, and I'm having a busy day.
So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers.
- Gosh.
- Yeah! That is a great offer.
Thank you.
I really think I should be concentrating on sales.
- Really? - Yeah.
I just don't think this is the kind of task that I am going to do.
You know who would be great for this? Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it.
Yes.
I can do it.
I'm your man.
Right now, this is just a job.
If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career.
And, er Well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
OK.
First, let's go over some parameters.
How many people can I fire? - None.
You're picking a health care plan.
- We'll table that for now.
Two, I'll need an office.
The conference room should be fine.
You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace.
Yes.
I have an office.
Bigger than his.
- No, you cannot use it.
- OK, it's a workspace.
Temporary workspace.
You can use it.
Thank you.
If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for giving him a second chance.
And if he succeeds, then no one will be prouder than I am.
I groomed him.
I made him what he is today.
Unless he fails, and we've talked about that already.
What did I do? I did my job.
I slashed benefits to the bone.
I saved this company money.
Was I too harsh? Maybe.
I don't believe in coddling people.
In the wild, there is no health care.
In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg.
I can't run.
"A lion eats me and I'm dead.
" Well, I'm not dead.
I'm the lion.
You're dead.
There's no dental, there's no vision, there's a $1,200 deductible.
- Dundler Mifflin.
This is Pam.
- Pam, Michael Scott.
How's tricks? Where are you? Oh, I am in my office.
I am swamped.
I have work up to my ears.
I'm busy, busy, busy.
Can't step away.
I just wanted to check in and see how everybody's doing.
- Everybody cool out there? - Actually, people are really unhappy.
Dwight sent around this memo and people are freaking out Pam! Whoa! I'm sorry.
I gotta go.
I'm getting a call.
No, you're not.
I have to make a call after I finish my work.
You know what? Just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions.
I'm just too busy.
Too swamped, you know? I am unreachable.
I am incommunicado, capisce? - OK.
- Thank you.
Oh, here we go again.
- Gotta go.
I have to take this.
- Still no one calling.
- Dwight, what - Knock, please.
- Please knock.
This is an office.
- It says "workspace".
- Same thing.
- Then why did you write "workspace"? Just knock.
Please? As a sign of respect for your superior.
- You are not my superior.
- Then why do I have an office? - I thought it was a workspace.
- OK.
Dwight.
Are you really in charge of health care? - Yes.
And my decision is final.
- This is a ridiculously awful plan.
- You cut everything.
- Times are tough, Pam.
Deal with it.
- Did you cut more than you had to? - Sure.
Why? You work here.
Don't you want good insurance? Don't need it.
Never been sick.
Perfect immune system.
If you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.
I don't need them.
Superior genes.
I'm a Schrute.
And superior brainpower.
Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
- Why would you raise your cholesterol? - So I can lower it.
He literally won't come out of his office.
He's gotta come out sometime.
- To go to the bathroom! - Kevin.
That's inappropriate.
- Michael, can I talk to you? - I would love to but I'm busy.
Rain check? Michael.
Michael, please.
Can we talk to you about this memo? What? Which memo? Dwight's health care memo.
- Is it a good plan? - It's a great plan.
- It saves the company a fortune.
- It's a pay decrease.
- Michael, he made huge cuts.
- Cuts? What? - Dwight, did you make cuts? - Yeah, you said No! You know what? I said nothing specific because I was so busy.
Why don't you go in there and find these people a plan that will work for them? - I can handle that.
- OK? All right.
Do we feel good? All right.
Good.
Plus, there's some other good news.
Today, at the end of the day, I will have, for all of you, a big surprise.
OK? So hang in there, and I will see you at the end of the day.
Right? - This is not good.
- It's ridiculous.
- Did you talk to him? - What was that? You let him walk all over you.
It's just pathetic.
- What are you guys talking about? - Nothing, Kevin.
Do I know what the surprise is? Hell, no! It doesn't matter.
They're not unhappy anymore.
They're out there thinking, "Wow, my boss really cares about me.
"He has a surprise.
He's cool.
"What a great guy.
I love him.
"I love him.
" OK, everyone.
Gather round.
Step forward.
I believe that some of you are unhappy with my plan.
So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down any diseases you have that you might want covered and I'll see what I can do.
We can't write our diseases down for you because that's confidential.
I didn't say to write your name down, did I? Fill it out, leave it anonymous.
Or don't write any disease down at all and it won't be covered.
Fair? Good.
- I'll be in my office.
- Workspace.
You know what? Come with me.
We are going on a little mission.
Operation Surprise.
- Where are you going? - Um Headed out.
Part of my busy day, you know.
Meetings.
Couldn't find the knob.
So, basically, I want to do something nice for my employees.
Atlantic City, OK? They have this thing where they send a bus, right, for free, picks everybody up, you head down there, get to the hotel, the room is comped, they give you a pile of chips, and your food, everything just kind of all-inclusive, free kind of weekend.
I don't know of anything like that, but you might want to call those casinos directly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I did.
So.
Wait.
What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease.
Right? Cos I'm suffering from both.
- I'm inventing new diseases.
- Oh, great.
Let's say my teeth turn to liquid and they drip down the back of my throat.
- What would you call that? - I thought you were inventing diseases.
That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
- Nice.
- Thank you.
Calling you ask you a little favoroonie.
Trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost.
I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride.
You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mine shaft? It's not really a ride.
It says here that it's a 300ft drop.
It goes 300 feet into the earth but it moves really slowly.
- So it's not a free fall.
- It's an industrial coal elevator.
Uh All right.
Well, once you get down into the mine, what Have you got Laser Tag or something? OK, so I don't know what the surprise is.
Am I worried? No.
No way.
See, I thrive on this.
This is my world.
This is improv.
This is Whose Line Is It Anyway? Who did this? I'm not mad.
I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
- What are you talking about? - Someone forged medical information.
- That is a felony.
- Whoa.
That's a pretty intense accusation.
- How do you know that they're fake? - Uh, leprosy? "Flesh-eating bacteria.
"Hot-dog fingers.
"Government-created killer nanorobot infection.
" - You did this, didn't you? - No.
I know it was you.
Fine.
I'll have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known.
And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for anyone.
- Killer nanorobots? - It's an epidemic.
The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need, because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff.
- "Count Choculitis.
" - Sounds tough.
Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula? - Do you? - I think you need to confess the fact - Yeah.
- What are you doing? Those are my keys.
- Good luck.
- Jim! Damn it! No! Jim! Let me out! Jim! Let The light green - Jim Halpert.
- Let me out.
- Who is this? - You're fired.
- You can't fire me.
- I can.
I'm manager for the day.
- Clean out your desk.
- Can you hold on? I'm getting the, er beep.
- Jim Halpert.
- Hey, Jim.
It's Pam.
Hey, Pam.
How are you? - Good.
How are you? - I'm doing OK.
Getting excited for the weekend.
What are you up to? - I'm not bothering you, am I? - Not at all.
- You're not doing anything? - I have nothing to do.
Jim! This weekend? Nothing.
I'm not really doing anything.
I might go to the mall.
I need new shoes.
Oh, interesting.
What kind of shoes? - Hello? - Hello.
This is Dwight Schrute calling for Jan Levenson-Gould.
- This is Jan.
- Hi.
Dwight Schrute, Acting Manager, Scranton branch.
I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert.
- Who is this? - Dwight Schrute.
From sales? Where's Michael Scott? He is not here right now.
He put me in charge of the office.
Dwight, listen carefully.
You are not a manager of anything.
- Understand? - That's not entirely true.
He put me in charge of picking the health care plan.
Really? OK.
When Michael gets back, tell him to call me immediately.
Call you immediately.
Good.
Oh, listen.
Since I have you on the phone, can I fire Jim? No.
Please don't use my cellphone ever again.
Oh, I thought this was your Hey, everybody.
Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaahh! Here you go.
Take one, take one.
It's all good.
Phyllis, think fast.
Ya-bome! Oh, I see Angela.
Angela? Waaaahhh! Hey, temp.
Why don't you take two? Because you don't get health care.
And faster metabolism.
Did you get the kind with the cookies? Why don't you just eat it, OK? - And here you go, Stanley the manly.
- Oh, thanks.
This isn't the big surprise, is it? Because we've been having a pretty horrible day.
Er Nope.
Nope.
This isn't the surprise.
It's surprising, um because you didn't expect it.
But you will You'll know it when you see it.
Michael.
Michael? Oh, Christ.
I tried being rational, OK, and what happened? The employees went crazy.
I got no help from Corporate.
That leaves me with no options.
I'm going to read your submitted conditions.
When you hear yours, raise your hand to indicate that it is real.
If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.
- What about confidentiality? - You have forfeited that privilege.
I have tried to treat you all as adults but obviously I am the only adult here.
Number one.
Inverted penis.
Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
Your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
A uterus is different from a vagina.
I still have a vagina.
OK.
Great.
Dermatitis.
Thank you, Angela.
I'll make sure that's covered.
OK.
Now.
Who wrote this hysterical one? - Anal fissures? - That's a real thing.
Yeah, but no one here has it.
Someone has it.
- Do you think we should go? - I don't know.
This is important.
- What is he doing? - I don't know.
Well? Well, what? You could be referring to anything.
OK.
The health care plan.
Why did you put Dwight in charge? He was horrible.
Dwight? Did you raise benefits? - I most certainly did not.
- Oh, come on.
That's horrible.
Aah Thanks, Dwight, for a crappy plan.
Ah, damn! Oh I wish I had time to change it but Jan needs it by five.
What time is it? It's after five.
Oh Oh, it's awful! So.
Well.
OK.
See you guys on Monday.
What about the surprise? Oh Yes.
Exactly.
Thank you, Angela, for reminding me.
Terrific.
Before I tell everybody what the big surprise is, would you like to tell me what you think the big surprise is? - We all think you don't have a surprise.
- I have some news for you.
There is a big surprise.
And here it is.
Here we go.
And the big surprise is Brrrrrrrr! Drum roll Brrrrrrrr! Brrrrrrrr! When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive.
See, I learned improv from the greats, like Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.
God, yeah Ah! This Robin Williams.
Man, would I love to go head-to-head with him.
Oh! That would be exciting.
"Hi.
I'm Mork from Ork.
" Well, I'm Bork from Spork.
Nanoo, nanoo.
Jibelee, baloobaloo.
Oh, um Jan wants you to call her.