The Patrick Star Show (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1
- Hi, I'm Patrick Star.
And I live with my parents.
Ow!
This is my dad.
This is my mom.
[giggles]
This is my sister
she's shy.
This is my grandpa.
This is my room.
And this
This is my show!
[cheering]
- Welcome back, astro-viewers,
to the SS Silver Minnow
home to intrepid explorer
Captain Doug Quasar!
As the most advanced ship in
the galaxy,
the Minnow is packed
to the gills
with all manner
of cutting-edge technology.
And also this robot.
- [burps]
[phone rings]
Yeah, who is it?
Pat-Tron,
it's Captain Doug Quasar.
I'm locked out.
I need you
to open the ship's door.
- I'm sorry Doug,
I'm afraid I can't do that.
- What? Of course you can!
It's an order.
I'm the captain.
- Ha, I don't think so.
The captain always
has his keys with him.
And his keys are right here.
Okay, gotta go.
Hmm
Maybe the real captain's lost.
I better go find him.
- Open up,
you junky old star-toaster!
[screams]
- Uh, nope, no captain here.
- [screams]
[yelling]
- Not here, either.
- [screams] Oof!
- Nope!
- [yelling]
- Uh-uh.
- Ow!
Oof!
- Not here.
I'm helping.
- Aw, he is a good helper.
Oh, hey there!
Today on "The Patrick Show,"
you'll be watching me
watch cartoons.
- And now, stay tuned
for our six-hour marathon of
"Bowling for Clams!"
- Bowling?
Boring!
I want cartoons.
[stuttering]
[bowling strike sound]
[stutters]
[gasps]
- [hisses, growls]
- Wow.
The remote seems
grumpier than usual.
I guess it's gone forever.
- You could go looking
for the remote.
You know, find it,
bring it back.
Fetch it!
Fetch it, boy!
You can do it.
Go on, go get that remote.
- Okay, I'll do it!
[adventurous music plays]
Hi, I'm Patrick Star.
And we're gonna be searching
for the "Remoto Dragon,"
More commonly known
as the TV remote.
On today's
"Lookin' Around For"
- [grunts]
[grunting]
Okay, camera one is good to go.
- Ow!
- [gurgles]
- Happy hunting.
And remember,
don't come home empty-handed.
Your entire "Patrick Show"
audience is watching!
- Huh?
Oh
- Oh, don't mind me.
I always enjoy a good failure.
[chuckles]
- Huh.
Whoo!
- Ooh.
[grunts]
- Fascinating.
These natural sofa formations
must have been here
for thousands of years.
Or at least since Mom
reupholstered the couch.
Wow.
This place is a gold mine.
Oh, I thought I lost this comic!
Cha-ching!
Check out all the loose change.
What?
Oh, my gosh,
my yo-yo!
[giggles]
I missed you most of all, yo-yo.
[grunts]
[gulps]
Oh
Whoa!
[yells]
[gasps]
Must be the end of the river.
Maybe we can
pick up his trail from here.
Ooh, ooh.
Remoto Dragons love to hide
deep in cushion jungles
just like these.
- [snarls]
[growls]
- Wait, remote!
Come back and let me catch you!
- [snarls]
- [panting]
Help, I'm being crushed
by two of the biggest,
roundest, heaviest things
I've ever been crushed by!
["Mermaid Man" theme plays]
- Joy!
The 168-hour "Mermaid Man"
marathon is about to begin!
Time to get really, really,
extra comfortable.
- [growls]
- [screams]
Ouch
- You did it Ouchie, we're safe!
[yells]
I was wrong.
Tragedy can strike
at any moment!
Whoa!
- Ah!
[whimpers]
Whoa!
[grunts]
Oof!
[struggles]
Oh, shrimp!
Patrick, I lost the rope.
Are you okay?
Are you still recording?
- Still here
and still rolling, sis.
I think
some sort of sock-a-dactyl
took me to its house.
- [screeches]
- [chirping]
- Ooh.
Looks like it's lunch time.
[gurgles]
[burps]
Mmm, tastes like argyle.
- Ew.
Wait. A sock-a-dactyl?
Patrick, I don't think
you're in the couch anymore!
I think you've broken through
to a dresser!
Don't worry, Big Brother,
I promise I'll find you!
- Cool, you do you.
I'm gonna keep looking
for the remote.
[yawns]
- [panting]
He's got to be here somewhere!
[clowns squeaking]
[grunts]
Huh?
- [humming]
What's going on, sweetie?
Patrick went in the couch
after the remote,
but now I lost him in a dresser!
- [chuckles] That's nice.
Is Patrick
your imaginary friend?
- What?
No, he's your son!
- [gasps]
My imaginary son is in trouble?
Then I'm going in after him.
[grunts]
- [struggles]
This might take a moment.
So we'll be right back
after a word from our sponsor.
[struggles]
[European folk music playing]
- Hi, I'm Rube Goldfish,
owner of Bikini Bottom
Gold Tours.
And I wanna take you
on a magical trip
through your own furniture.
- Ooh.
- Imagine eight luxurious days
seeing your couch,
your love seat,
even your credenza,
like you've never
seen them before.
Why, you've never
truly experienced
Grandma's china hutch
until you've
spent the night there.
Ooh, looks cozy!
Call the number
to book your trip today.
It'll be amazing.
[gasps, screams]
- Aw, there's no remote here,
either.
[dramatic music]
- Tally-ho!
- Ah!
- Now, remember,
if you find Patrick,
give a shout
and tug on the rope.
- Oh, no.
I ain't going searchin'
for a boob
who can't find his way
out of a chair.
I have nappin' to do!
- He's your grandson!
Besides, it's going to be on TV,
which makes it important.
- [screams]
- Some Remoto Dragons
have adapted to urban living,
and can now be found
in old junk drawers.
Like this one.
Ooh, looks like a dragon print.
Hey, I was lookin' at that!
- [snarls]
- Wow, Remoto.
You got big.
- [growls]
[snarling]
- [grunting]
[shouts]
- [snarls]
- Huh?
The low battery light?
No wonder you've been so cranky.
[yells]
- [growls]
[snarls]
- [whimpers]
Batteries!
Oh, I hope they're double A.
- [growling]
- [struggles]
- [struggling]
- [growling]
[gulps]
[snarls]
[barks happily]
- [giggles] Aww.
Squidina, I did it!
I got the remote.
But how do I get out of here?
- [struggles]
Don't worry, bro.
I sent the whole town
into the couch
searching for you.
We'll have you out in a jiffy!
[struggles]
- Yo, pink dude, ya in here?
- Breaking news,
local stay-at-home son
Patrick Star
is missing in the couch.
Film at 11.
- Where's my big boy?
I brought you
a change of underwear.
- I did it! I found him!
I found him!
[all yelling]
[all shout]
- [giggles]
Huh? Hmm?
- My boy.
- But that's not Patrick,
that's Ouchie.
- Are you sure?
He has my eyes.
- Do you know what this means?
Patrick's lost!
He's putting on
the best show ever
and we're not getting any of it!
This is terrible!
Maybe we should
send someone in after him.
- Patrick, you're safe!
- Patrick, I'm safe!
- Ooh!
- And now I can
use the remote again.
[all cheer weakly]
- My boy.
- It all worked out.
How disappointing.
[chatter on television]
- Hello?
- Hm?
- Can anyone hear me?
I'm still in here!
[banging]
What's going on?
- See, this is why
you need a remote.
- Hey!
What's this, bowling?
I love bowling!
I'll show you amateurs
how we used to knock 'em down
before the war!
Gimme that ball!
[grunts]
[shouts]
Whoo-hoo!
- Go, GrandPat!
- I love bowling!
[whimsical music]
♪
- Hm?
[applause]
Thank you, thank you.
Welcome to the first annual
Pat-A-Thon.
We're raising money today
for Snails Who Can't Dance.
And here's your host,
Patrick Star!
- [burps]
- [screams]
- [yells] Oof!
[funky music plays]
They weren't born to boogie ♪
It's a sad, sad tale ♪
Never learned to dance ♪
Like a happy ♪
Uh
- Snail!
- Gesundheit!
- [applauds]
- Hey, folks!
You wanna know how snails
settle their differences?
They "slug" it out!
Eh? Eh?
[crickets chirp]
Aw.
- The canned laughter is stuck!
- Ha-ha.
[wheezes]
- It's gone stale.
- Oh.
[laughs]
Let's say hello
to our Pat-A-Thon phone bank!
We collected
some neighborhood randos
to sit by and take
your calls and pledges.
- [barks]
- You can call me with
your most intimate pledges.
- If you'd like to make a call,
please hang up and try again.
- [burps]
- Excuse me,
I don't want to do this.
I'm just here
for my paper route money.
[phone rings]
Hello?
- [mumbling]
- Is there a "Boring" here?
An I.M. Boring?
Does anyone know I.M. Boring?
- Yeah, we know!
[laughter]
- [grumbles]
- Ha. Today's goal is to raise
a thousand hundred dollars
to get every non-hoofing snail
the dance lessons they need.
Hey!
Let's check the tote board
to see how much money
we've raised so far.
[giggles]
Such generosity.
Let's check in with GrandPat
in the backyard.
He's gonna do a dangerous stunt
to help us raise money.
Take it away, Church Curtains!
- Uh, that's Perch Perkins.
And I'm here
in the Star Family backyard
where GrandPat will attempt
a frightening and stupid set
of daredevil stunts
on what looks like
an obstacle course
built by a stark raving lunatic.
Oh, and here's
our future casualty now.
What are you doin' there,
old-timer?
- I'm making out my will.
Nobody gets nothin'!
- Ah-ha, the elderly.
Back to the studio.
- Thanks, Lurch.
Right now, I'd like to bring out
one of the reasons why
we're doing this telethon.
Say hello to Gary
a snail who can't dance
and his owner, Spongebob!
♪
- Thank you, Mister Star.
- Now tell us
your pathetic story
just like we rehearsed.
- Yes, well, you see,
I've tried every dance
there is with Gary.
We tried tap.
Hm?
[deflating noise]
- Meow.
- We tried ballet.
Eh?
- [groans]
- We even tried slam dancing.
- [groans]
- But my poor snail
just can't dance.
[banging]
- Let's go!
Dirty laundry time!
- Mom!
I'm doing a show!
- And I'm doing the laundry.
Come on,
off with your dirty shorts.
- Aw
Hey, Mom, since you're here,
why don't you do that thing
with your tattoo?
- [giggles]
Oh, all right.
♪
[giggles]
Whoo-whoo!
[giggles]
Whoo!
♪
Whoo!
[giggles]
♪
[applause]
- Master, I'd like to pledge
so the snails can dance.
- With what?
You don't have anything
because I don't pay you.
- Patgor has been saving things
from the doctor's floor.
Patgor was going
to build a friend,
but now wants snails to dance.
- Oh, you know I don't approve
of things that aren't wicked.
But perhaps making a snail dance
is a new kind of evil.
Where's the phone?
[doorbell rings]
- Argh!
- [grunts] Sheesh,
I haven't used this thing
since I was
hanging out with Dracula.
Dead just like Dracula.
[crickets chirping]
[evil laughter]
Release the Whirly Brains!
- [laughs]
- Ring, ring!
Give my phone life!
[cackles]
- [phone rings]
- [Spongebob monster rings]
- I've got an incredible offer
on an exclusive time share
in the Black Lagoon
if you act now!
- [groans]
Now I remember why
I disabled the phone.
[chainsaw whirrs]
[evil laughter]
[lively saxophone music]
[both screaming]
♪
- [screams]
[both screaming]
♪
- [yells]
[laughs]
- [screams]
- Great!
Hey, everybody,
I just bought a time share
in the Black Lagoon!
[applause]
- Hold everything!
Stop the music!
You don't need to raise money.
- Is that a toaster?
- T'ain't a toaster!
I call it
the Automatic Snail Hoofer.
Just hook your gastropod
up to this baby
and they'll be boogieing
at the barn in seconds.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Y'see, the hoofer
does your dance moves for ya.
When I flip this switch,
Gary will be
trippin' the light fantastic!
- [gurgling]
Meow.
- Woah-oah-oah-oah!
- [laughs]
Oof!
[all yelling]
D'oh!
- May I have the next dance?
- [screams]
It just needs
some minor adjustments.
- [yowls]
- Yikes!
[screams]
♪
- Whoo-hoo!
One penny
on the way to our goal.
Keep those calls, letters,
and psychic messages coming in.
Oh, psychic message
coming in from the backyard.
And Birch Jerkins.
- That's Perch Perkins.
You're now looking
at the Alligator Jump,
Wheel of Fire,
ten blindfolded boxing champs,
and a math teacher
with a problem.
The time is getting closer
when Patrick's grandfather
will sacrifice himself
in order to help
poor, unfortunate snails
to dance.
- What's this about snails?
- [laughs] Oh, what a relic.
Back to you.
- Thanks, Blerch!
- Gary, get fixin'
to shake your tail feather
'cause I got a new solution!
I call it the Cutting a Rug Rug.
[vibrates]
Let me demonstrate.
All right, Gary,
show 'em what you got!
- Meow!
[vibrates]
- Whoa!
Bow to your partner
Bow to your own ♪
You're shook up
Down to the bone ♪
And a dosido ♪
[screams]
[phone rings]
- Y'ello?
- [mumbles]
- Anybody here named Ima?
Ima Loser?
Hey, everybody!
Ima Loser!
- We know!
[laughter]
- [grumbles]
- [snores] [alarm rings]
[shouts]
Oof!
Looks like we're nearing
the end of our Pat-A-Thon
for Snails Who Can't Dance.
But before we go,
let's get out to our big finale
with Perch Perkins!
- That's Search Gherkins!
I-I mean Smerch Lurkins!
Agh! Whatever.
Time for the big stunt.
[sighs]
Looks like grandson
is giving grandfather
a last-minute pep talk.
- I just wanna say
it's been nice knowing you.
Oh, wait, wait,
that came out wrong.
- Grandson,
can you check
the heating pad in my seat?
It's not working.
- [grunts] Ooh.
Well, my buns
are nice and toasty.
[yells]
- [chuckles]
- Whoa!
[screams]
[screaming]
- [yells]
- [giggles]
- Ha-ha!
- [shivers]
- The excitement is killing me.
Is it killing you?
- Maybe.
[both yelling]
- I did it!
- [yells]
- I did it, y'all!
- Ah!
- I found the cure!
- Meow.
- I call it the Tap Spray.
- Meow?
[jazz music playing]
[tapping]
- Meow.
[meowing]
♪
Meow, meow, meow.
Meow, meow!
- Yahoo!
Look at that snail a-tappin'!
- Yeah!
[phone rings]
- Ah.
♪
[tapping]
[Spongebob vocalizing]
- [yells]
[crashing]
- Thank you, everyone,
for making this Pat-A-Thon
a huge success!
- All right, listen up.
I've got a message here
from a Mia Dumbbell.
Can someone please call
Mia Dumbell?
- [in unison]
Okay, You're a dumbbell!
[laughter]
- [grumbles]
I hate telethons!
[upbeat music]
♪