The Power of Parker (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

1
this side of the Pennines.
That's the power of Parker.
It's all about image in my game.
People look up to you, you know.
They've got a lot of respect for you.
HORN TOOTS
You need to pay your debts.
Six grand. Friday.
Let's run away together.
Buy a boat and sail the world, eh?
What about Diane?
Hello, darling.
You're finishing wi' me and chucking
me out o' me own home!
I've just regrouted that bathroom.
Oh! How dare he!
I know people, you know.
ALARM BLARES
Who's this now? She's me sister.
If it's handed to him on a plate,
he's going to take it.
He thinks you're disgusting. Ooh!
Here he is! The gobshite
who can't keep his mucky hands
off both my daughters.
You cow!
Keep your whore-y
hands off my family!
This is how it feels when your
word means nothing at all ♪
Scarf's nice.
I suppose you want to shag that,
like you shagged me husband.
This is all your fault.
How? Your big fat mouth
put him in 'ere.
You've got a big Oh.
Is everything OK? Thank you, Nurse.
Yes. I'll keep an eye on him.
Thank you, Nurse. I'll, um,
pull the cord if I need you.
I'll pop back later. Thank you.
I mean, thank God that penguin
was St John's Ambulance.
A stroke o' luck.
He's had a heart attack.
How the hell's that lucky?
Oh, here she is, Negative Nelly!
Always glass half empty.
Glass half empty? Dad's half dead
and I've just found out my sister's
been having it off with my husband!
See? Very negative.
Oh!
Do you remember Mum being in 'ere?
Horrible, weren't it?
Just, like, cruel.
In so much pain.
No-one should have to
go through that.
I miss her every day. Do you?
She'd hate to see us two fighting.
Well, she'd hate to see you
carrying on with my husband,
but we are where we are.
It's shit like this
that makes you realise
how important families are, doesn't
it? Don't even go there, lady.
I did everything for our family
when Mum died. Everything!
Dad had lost it and was always
pissed up at the Legion,
and I had to look after you.
I was 15. I was bright.
I could have gone to college
and done something with me life.
Up the miners!
Oh, thank God.
Dad Oh, what a relief. See?
Told you he'd be fine. You gave us
a scare there, Dad. Hmm
Diane.
Maybe this is a sign.
Us. Here. Together.
Maybe it's a sign
that we should make up. Yeah?
You're unbelievable.
HORN TOOTS
Oh, shit.
Not now!
HORN TOOTS
HE SIGHS
See you later, girls.
See you later.
Look after yourselves, all right?
Bye.
GIRLS GIGGLE
What the hell are you two doing?
Visiting Grandad.
Alison, what were you doing
in that van?
Well, he said that you told him
to come pick us up and drop us 'ere.
Are you out of your mind?
You know better than this.
Stranger danger. What have we taught
you? He's not a stranger.
He said he's your mate. Well,
he's no mate o' mine. Hey! Hey!
Now, you listen to me, lady.
It's you, innit? What's that?
You're that Martin Parker.
Yeah, that's right. I bought
a colour telly off you.
Do you remember? Yeah, of course.
Yeah. Nice to see you again.
You're looking well. Collapsed lung.
They've said they can't operate. Right.
Your mate's got
some proper fit tattoos, Dad.
Purple Ronnie.
On his hip. Very cool.
Yeah. How do you How do you
know someone so cool, Dad?
Alison, have you been drinking?
Dad! What's he said to you? Nothing!
Alison. I don't know. He said
something about seeing you on Friday
or summat. And if you're late, he'll
kill you. Yeah, he's dead funny.
GIRLS GIGGLE
Dad, are you not coming in?
What? No, no, I got to get off.
I'm in the middle of stocktaking.
Now, don't be speaking
to any more of my mates.
Straight to the ward, you hear?
We still can't get Channel 4.
Is that summat you can help us with?
Do you love him?
Dad? No. Martin.
What a stupid question.
Of course I love him!
Oh.
In me own way.
Life's not all Mills Boon,
you know, Kath.
It depends what bra you wear.
And what about, like?
You know? Do you still mm-mm?
You know, do you
Do you still do it, like?
How dare you?!
What? Really? Do you?
Are you seriously?
If you must know, no.
Do you? Well No.
Don't tell me.
Last time we did
any of that business was
after Elkie Brooks
at Stockport Plaza. When was that?
'83, '84.
To be fair, it was
a very sensual show, but
not a dickybird since.
Are you winding me up?
Elkie Brooks?
I bloody love her!
Martin knows that.
He swore blind
he couldn't get tickets.
Milk snatcher! Dad! Oh.
Oh, Dad.
Piss-take.
We've got it on some boxes
next to the rabbit hutch.
Well, I'm sorry about that but, listen,
if you just pop in with it
we'll have a look at the aerial,
eh? And
good luck with the The lung.
Sherbert pip?
Hmm?
DIANE SIGHS
Aw Are we bonding?
Alison! How did you get here?
Alison!
Wow! Look at you.
You're absolutely stunning.
Uh, thanks. And where's your dad?
Oh, you've got lovely thick hair
Where's your dad?
just like your dad. You're very
lucky, cos your mum's is like straw.
It's very dry. Alison, where's your
dad? He's outside having a fag
before he goes back and does
a stocktake or summat.
Well, this is, um, Mum's friend
from church.
Peace be with you.
I'm just nipping to the ladies'.
No, you're not, cos I'm just
nipping to the ladies'.
And also with you.
A Town Called Malice
by The Jam
Why are you following me?
I'm only going for a wee.
Do you think I'm stupid?
You're not going anywhere.
Oh, look, Diane. Miserable bitch
ward's that way.
Lucky we're in a hospital, Kath.
Save you a journey.
Yeah, for when I visit you after
I break your neck. You're hard.
Look, just go back. One of us needs
to be there in case Dad wakes up.
Yeah, you do. No, you do.
My daughter's up there,
so technically I'm covered.
Oh, typical you!
Getting someone else
to do your dirty work for you!
Dirty work?
You think looking after your own dad
is dirty work?
Says you! Such a snobby cow, you
won't even step inside his house.
What are you doing?
Yeah, that's it. Run away!
Chicken!
Move!
Oh, well done, Kath,
you've scared him off.
I'm going to follow him and see
what the hell he's playing at.
Are those my keys? Yeah.
Took your watch earlier as well.
How the hell did you do that?
You're like a thieving Paul Daniels.
Come on! You're driving!
You're not coming. I'm coming.
No, you're not.
Shut your face. I'm coming.
Get in. No, you are not coming.
Get in. I'm in. I'm in.
INDISTINCT ARGUING
It's stuck.
DOORBELL RINGS REPEATEDLY
What's he up to?
Oh, do you think it's another woman?
I always thought I was
the only woman. No, no, no.
I was stupid enough
to miss one affair.
I can't be that thick
I've missed two.
I am telling you now -
a woman lives there.
What man do you know
keeps window boxes that tidy?
Alan! Mr Parker. Oh, thank God.
You've got to help me.
Hey! You're a dark horse,
aren't you?
I didn't know you liked cars.
Well, this is bigger
than I thought it would be.
Tea? I've run out of biscuits,
I'm afraid. Keith
My friend called Keith ate them.
That's right.
Just a male friend called Keith.
That's all.
What's he up to?
Stocktaking?
That's what he'd tell you.
I was the stock. He was taking me.
Sometimes I was a golf trip
with the lads.
Meet the lads. Oh, my God!
You are vile.
I don't know how much more
I can blag this, you know?
I'm just trying to keep
everyone happy. All of them!
Who? Di. The kids. And the lady
above the old butcher's shop.
Yeah, Kath.
That's over. Broke my bloody heart.
But I did what you said.
I've been tightening my belt,
and now they're after my family.
The Slater brothers?
Yes, the Slater brothers!
They want blood. Oh, dear God.
Did you get the money? What?!
I'm trying to. It's not easy.
You have to, Alan. You're
my accountant. Could be you next.
Me? I've done nothing wrong.
I'm going to the police.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
You do not go to the police
about people like this.
Do you actually know
what happens to grasses?
Did you hear about
Big Ronnie Fletcher? Hmm?
They cut his lips off and fed them
to his dog in front of him.
Can't even whistle now.
Poor dog's very confused.
Oh, my God.
Every corner I turn,
they're watching me.
HE GASPS
They could be watching us now.
Come on. You must have seen it.
Bloke with the rubber face.
Phil Cool? No, Mr Bean!
Wears a little suit, drives a Mini.
He don't say a word.
Well, he doesn't have to.
He's just like
SHE GROANS LIKE MR BEAN
It's hilarious. It's like proper
piss-your-pants stuff.
DIANE SIGHS
Does Martin know that you know
that I know that you know?
If you mean have I mentioned that
my sister's a slut, no, I haven't.
Have you told him that you know
that I know, you know?
No. Well, keep it that way.
It's not like Martin
not to pay the school fees,
and then he ends
your little whatever.
Something doesn't add up.
Hmm
Listen to Juliet Bravo 'ere, hmm?
SHE IMPERSONATES MR BEAN
That's what he does.
Right. Not a word.
Sounds hilarious.
You need to meet them
and reason with them.
Reason? They're not
the Inland Revenue.
I think they're going
to kill one of us.
This has nothing to do with me!
Oh, Alan, Alan, Alan.
You're the money man.
All roads lead to you.
HE SIGHS
I could murder a drink.
I've got a bottle of Blue Nun open.
I'll pass.
What are you doing?
I'm doing what you should have done
a very long time ago.
I'm calling the police.
Don't you dare!
I knew I should never
have relied on you.
You're fired!
Accountants like you
are ten a penny.
You're fired, Alan.
If you want a job doing
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
Sh. Where's he going now?
I don't know.
Go, go. Drive.
Drive Drive Yeah.
Quick! I can't get
I don't know how she does it.
Last week, she made a pool for seals
in Scotland in two days.
They were orphans.
Aw. Little orphan seals.
She's got a heart of gold,
has Anneka.
Hmm! Squeezing my arse
into one of her jumpsuits
would be challenge enough,
to be fair.
So, you went to see Martin?
I walked in there
and I told him straight.
He did not like that, let me tell
you. Well, set his penguin on me.
What kind of drugs is he on?
Swung for me.
A penguin? No. Martin.
And did you punch Martin back?
And some!
And let me tell you,
it's been a long time coming.
Hey? A neck on him
like a jockey's bollock.
Edna Banks was in here
a couple of weeks back.
Prolapse.
She had a jam roly-poly and custard
she swore was restaurant standard.
Girls were in here before. Together.
Were they? Joyce would never
have let this happen.
She would have never have
let them fall out.
And me? I've lost 20-odd years
with my girls,
and it's all because of him. We
cannot let him get away with this.
We need to do something.
We? What are we going to do?
Took us 20 minutes to walk down
the stairs at the car park.
GLADYS SIGHS
MUSIC POUNDS
Looks like a garage.
Is he getting the car resprayed?
There's a lot of mechanics.
I think it's a discotheque.
This can't be right.
Who's he going dancing with
on a Tuesday?
He doesn't even like dancing.
Depends on the partner.
Oh.
All right, mate?
I'm here to meet someone.
Good for you, mate. No.
The Slater brothers.
Oh, he's walked right in!
He's a bloody regular.
Come on!
Oh, my God!
I don't believe this. What?
Well, this is this is probably
where our school fees are going.
What do you mean?
Picking up skanky students.
Do you think?
Yes, hello.
We're not here to dance.
We're just following that
gentleman who just walked in.
Here! We're just following
the older gent, the one
Back of the queue.
Have you seen him before?
Is he a regular?
Do you think he's shagging about?
Back of the queue.
Ignorant pig.
For God's sake! Well, I am not
queuing to get in there.
Uh, yes, we are.
I have just found out
that the man I have been having
an affair with
might be having an affair
with someone else.
Have you any idea how I might
be feeling right now, Diane? Hmm?
MUSIC POUNDS
Ohh This is crazy.
Just go with it. "Just go with it!"
That's what you do, is it?
Yes. It is, actually.
Is that why you're a homeless
spinster? Thanks.
I can't go in there.
What if someone sees me?
Well, maybe if you didn't
dress like Maggie Thatcher,
you wouldn't stick out so much.
She's actually a very stylish woman.
Huh! Look at me.
Marble-wash denim,
second stall, Stockport Market.
Money doesn't buy you style, Diane.
That's what poor people say. Ohh
SHE SNIFFS
Can you smell funny fags?
Hang on. I know him. I know him!
Follow me. Giggsy! Giggsy!
I do his grandad's hair. Well, maybe
just his nose and his eyebrows now.
He's got massive nostrils,
like two big water slides.
I thought grab-a-granny night
was Thursday. You wish, dickhead.
You all right, Kath? I didn't think
this was your scene. Oh, yeah.
This one needs cheering up.
Look at her - face like a smacked
arse. She's just found out
that her husband's been cheating
on her for 25 years
with a beautiful blonde.
DIANE SIGHS
Bless.
Come on.
Well, where is he?
Can you see him? Ohh!
Needs a lick of paint. It's a dump.
We'll never find him.
All I can see is armpits.
Just try and blend in. Like that
Oh, look, there's another room.
Oh, might be VIP.
He'll probably be in there.
They're all looking at me.
Nobody gives a shit, Diane.
They're all having fun.
Mate!
HE COUGHS
RUBBISH CLATTERS
Have you seen this man?
Tall. Athletic build.
Athletic? Hardly! White hair.
Or silver. It's very bouncy. No?
That's just tap water.
Excuse me!
Excuse me.
Ooh! Where have you been?
You've been ages.
Any sight of him? No, nothing.
Still not found him.
Hey, but I did find us these.
What a mess!
£1, two pints of
snakebite and black.
I'll be coming here again. A pint?
Could you not have at least
got a half? Common as muck.
And I'm so hot. There's no windows.
Where do you think he is?
SHE SIGHS
Are you hot?
I'm hot. I'm flushing.
Are you all right?
Ooh! Here
have this.
Takes the edge off, apparently.
Edge off what?
I'm not really sure.
It's legit, though. It's from work.
No, I'm fine, thank you.
I think I've got St John's wort
in 'ere.
Half it.
Give me that half. Thank you.
Oh, my God, that's
Move your body
Move your body
Move your body ♪
When I had my colours done,
I was told I couldn't wear black,
which is a shame
because it's very slimming.
But you look amazing.
Black lipstick, good for you.
Like a sexy Grim Reaper.
Hiya, Kath!
KATH SHRIEKS
Hiya! Uh
Can you play September?
September!
Earth, Wind Fire. September!
Earth, Wind Ooft!
Septe
Do you know Earth, Wind Fire?
Oh, I love it.
I love disco.
HE SIGHS
It's filthy in there.
It's filthy! And I don't care.
I love you.
I love you, too.
And I really love you.
Yeah. We both really love you.
What a night. It's divine.
We should do this more often.
I love it. Happy people dancing!
I just never felt so happy.
I haven't felt this happy in years!
It's all been a show!
Tonight, I just want to dance
and swirl.
It's the music, Di. It's hypnotic.
I keep forgetting
you stole my watch.
I keep looking at my wrist,
and it's gone. It's stolen.
You've got very smooth wrists.
That's a talent, Kath.
You should do something with that.
Thank you.
Martin gave me that watch.
SHE GASPS
I think I hate him.
I hate him If you hate him. I do.
Sisters.
I mean, who wears cowboy boots
if you're not a real cowboy?
He hasn't even got a horse.
Tit!
Look at us. Hmm.
Look, we We are effing fabulous!
But I need to stay with him
for the kids. Aw
And the house. The lovely house.
I'd love kids.
Martin always promised me.
Good luck with that.
Well, I've still got
a bit of a monthly,
so I could probably push one out.
Not with Martin, you won't.
He had the snip after Alison.
You fucking what?
Where's Mum and Dad? I don't know.
Not here. What do you mean?
Both of them?
TOM SIGHS
And she hasn't left
anything for tea.
Piss-take.
Well, she left us at the hospital.
Went off with some church friend.
Probably gone to midnight mass,
or something.
Why would he lie to me?
He promised me.
That's all I've ever wanted, Di,
like, marriage and kids.
SHE CHUCKLES
I'd make a brilliant mum, me.
Oh, you would. You so would. Well
I'm not the confident career girl
everyone thinks I am, no.
He's played me like a bloody flute. Fiddle.
What am I going to do now?
Who's going to want me?
I'm like a shrivelled-up
barren old husk lady.
I want to be furious, I really do,
but I'm just so bloody happy!
DIANE LAUGHS
Yeah
We'll be fine. Yeah.
We've got each other now.
LOW GURGLE
I think I've just been sick
in my mouth.
Oh, this is the best night ever.
Yeah. Come on, let's dance.
Come on! I can't get up.
DIANE SHRIEKS AND LAUGHS
All right, young fella?
I'm not sure you should be
hanging about down here
this hour of night.
Does your mum know you're out?
Yeah. Piss off.
I was told you wanted a word.
You what?
Come on. Time's money.
Who the hell are you?
What do you want to see me for?
Are you one of
the Slater brothers?
Oh. Not as stupid as he looks.
What are you worried about?
I can't believe she's not here
on Zara's last night.
Uh I think there's someone
in your garden.
No, this is silly.
I need to speak to a grown-up.
One of your brothers.
If you could go and get them
for me, please, mate.
Nah, they're busy, fart-knocker.
Got something to say, you can talk
to me. OK. Right, now I am going.
I will not discuss business
with a ten-year-old.
I'm nearly 13, ball-bag.
Tell your brothers they need to stay
away from my family
or they won't see a penny.
You're funny, you! Am I? Here,
get yourself some pop and crisps.
Oi!
Oi! Talk to me like that again,
I'll rip your face off, you nonce.
Yeah. Wait till I tell my brothers
you touched me up.
They'll tear you a new one.
Keep walking, you fanny.
And I'd watch your back an' all,
if I were you.
Ah!
Reward
by The Teardrop Explodes
Until I learn to accept my reward
Until I learn to accept ♪