The Ranch (2016) s01e03 Episode Script

1 [theme song playing.]
You see the way I gathered them cattle? It was like a master class.
Cows are probably like, "Man, did you see the way he gathered us? And how ruggedly handsome he is?" "Yeah, and did you see how he slammed his dad's hand in the tailgate?" I'd have told you to rub some dirt on it, but that's what you did.
- Hey-o.
- Hey.
- How was practice? - Practice? What, are you pretending to be the girls' high school volleyball coach again? No, man, they got wise to that.
Defensive backs coach for the football team.
I get more 18-year-old cheerleaders now than I did in high school.
- I never figured you for a coach.
- Yeah, me neither.
But Dad will only give me time off for two things.
- Funerals and football.
- Exactly.
So, five years ago, when the defensive backs coach died, I got both.
- We got a team this year? - Oh, hell yeah, we got a team.
So, what's the deal? We gonna beat Norwood or what? God, I hope so.
Can't stand Norwood.
They act all high and mighty with their Super Walmart and their second stop light.
The John Deere store is in Norwood.
Last year, some kid offered me a loser's discount out of pity.
I paid full price.
Yo, I'm telling you guys, we got a hell of a team.
Quarterback got an arm like a shotgun.
Calling him the next Colt Bennett.
Does that mean he's gonna be livin' at home when he's 34 years old? "The next Colt Bennett.
" [scoffs.]
Yeah, they say that every year.
There ain't never gonna be another Colt Bennett.
Remember that guy that came after me? Was it Dubanowski? What's he doing now? He's a surgeon.
He separated Siamese twins.
So what? He separates shit.
I brought a whole town together and won State.
All with this arm.
Remember who you got that arm from.
You got your mother's.
I thought you were a linebacker, Dad.
In my day, we did it all.
We played both ways.
Yeah, that means something different nowadays, Dad.
All right, let's run a play.
Dad, you hike me the ball.
Rooster, go long.
- Hell no, man.
I know that trick.
- What trick? The one where you tell me to go long, then go longer, then you run inside, lock the door, and dunk your balls in my Cheerios.
It's dinner.
I ain't gonna dunk my sack in your hot soup.
You only make that mistake once.
What the hell's wrong with you two? I grew up with two brothers.
Never saw nut one.
Rooster, go long.
Let's go.
All right.
Here we go.
Hut, hut! [groans.]
- You okay? - Do I look like I'm okay? Well, you look like you're about to play both ways.
Couldn't just let me drive.
- I'm fine.
- Yeah.
Every time you made a right hand turn, you sounded like a female tennis player.
[grunts weakly.]
Beau, what's wrong? You're walking like you have an actual stick up your ass.
Threw his back out.
You know what's good for a bad back? Pilates.
Not helping, Hank.
Excuse me for bringing a little culture to this bar.
- You know you have to see someone, right? - I'm fine.
You're fine? All right.
Here, boys.
Thanks, Mom.
And, Beau, since your back is fine and you don't need to go to the doctor, here's your beer.
Pick it up.
Go see a doctor.
And fork over $200 for a co-pay? No, thanks.
If it ain't feeling better next week, I'll go to the vet and get some pills.
Rooster, will you pick up my beer? Yup.
Jameson, you touch that beer, you'll never drink in this bar again.
Sorry, Dad.
I love you, but I love free beer more, so Colt? What are you gonna do, chase me? Oh, my God.
Kenny.
Oh, man.
You trying to avoid him 'cause he's banging your ex-girlfriend? - Yeah, big time.
- Yeah.
I don't blame you.
Hey, yo, Kenny, what's up, my man? Hey! Rooster! Colt! Yo, man.
You buying meth again from Shaggy over there? I had a feeling you might be here.
You know, because it's your mom's, not because you have a drinking problem.
Two beers.
That's cool.
So, Kenny, how's things with you and Abby? They great? Because you guys make a really, really cute couple.
Yeah.
- She's the best! - Yeah.
She just gets me.
Yeah, that's great.
Hey, you know what? I think Dad wants to get out of here.
No, I don't think he does.
[clears throat.]
Uh, so, you know, I know all the reasons why Abby loves you, but why don't you tell me and Colt all the reasons you love Abby.
Uh, yeah, I mean - She smells like vanilla.
- Whoo! You hear that, Colt? Vanilla! Hey, listen, I don't know if you heard, but I was recently elected president of the Garrison football booster club, and we're kicking things off, pun intended, with a, uh, spaghetti dinner.
I was wondering if you'd come by and maybe say a few words.
No, thank you.
Pun intended.
Okay.
Um then maybe you could donate something for our raffle? I'd love to get an autographed picture of you and the new quarterback.
Yeah, okay.
I can do that.
Hey, you know, if you want, I'll even do that, uh, "Win a date with Colt Bennett" thing, as long as it's rigged and I get to pick the winner.
Yeah, man.
No fatties.
No flatties.
Oh, okay.
Like I'm the only one thinking that.
[country music playing.]
[music fades.]
Hello, Mr.
Bennett.
Where's Dr.
Boyd? I'm Dr.
Boyd.
No, the real Dr.
Boyd.
Oh, you're thinking of my dad.
When's the last time you saw him? Oh, I don't know.
A year or two, maybe.
He died 12 years ago.
Maybe it was longer.
I took over his practice.
But don't worry, you're in good hands with me.
So, how long has your back been bothering you? None of your business.
Oh! Beau Bennett! Okay, yeah! [chuckles.]
I'll tell you what, I'll examine your back and take a couple x-rays and see what we're dealing with.
And while you're here, we'll do a quick checkup.
I don't need a checkup.
Everything else is fine.
You haven't been to the doctor in 12 years.
I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't give you an examination.
On the plus side, since I've become a doctor, I've only killed three patients.
Oh, good.
You're funny, too.
Are we done here? How about this.
I'll give you a prescription for your back.
Feel free to pick it up and walk out of here anytime.
But if you can't, then I'm doing an exam.
You've been talkin' to my wife.
Staring at your old trophies, huh? That's a little vain.
- Actually, I was staring at my reflection.
- [laughs.]
So, what're you doing here? Uh, they asked me to come take a picture with the new quarterback.
- Oh.
- You got a couple hot teachers over there.
Looks like someone's got some competition.
Those are both students.
Even better.
All right.
[chuckles.]
I gotta get to my class.
Oh, look at that! Are you in Miss Henderson's old room? - [Abby.]
Yeah.
- Oh, man.
You know, she was my favorite teacher.
Of course.
'Cause instead of teaching us about World War II, she just put on Saving Private Ryan, sat at her desk, drank out of her "water bottle.
" I don't know who won World War II, but I know we got Matt Damon back.
[laughs.]
[school bell rings.]
Hey.
You better get in there.
You know, if the teacher's not in the room in the first five minutes, the whole class gets to go home.
Wasn't a thing then, not a thing now.
Oh, and, uh, we beat the Germans.
[scoffs.]
Yeah, nice try.
I know that was World War I.
- Hey, Colt.
- Hey.
Check out these new teachers? Actually, they're students.
Whoa.
Thanks for the heads-up.
You think they're seniors? Here he is.
Bennett.
Long time no see.
Hey, Coach Fitz.
Have you met Josh? He's gonna take us to our next State Championship.
- Hey.
Nice to meet you, bud.
- You, too.
You're the reason I started playing football, sir.
[chuckles.]
"Sir"? Come on, save "sir" for when you meet your girlfriend's dad or you're getting pulled over for your first DUI.
Good advice, Colt.
[clicks tongue.]
You know, my dad taped over my first birthday party - to record your State Championship game.
- Oh.
You remember that last play? Nah, not really.
Seven seconds left.
Down by three.
On the other team's 20.
I'm staring at a cover two defense.
This hot chick in the second row just going to town on a corn dog.
This guy [chuckles.]
wants me to play it safe.
Get a few yards, so he can put the kicker in and tie the game.
- [chuckles.]
- So I audible to a pass, right? I take the snap, I drop back, and my primary receiver falls down.
Okay? So I roll out to the right.
Their all-state linebacker's coming down on me, right? I know this guy.
He wants to rip my head off 'cause I banged his sister.
Wilson was wide open in the end zone.
[chuckles.]
Like I'm gonna throw the ball to Wilson.
The only thing he caught that season was crabs.
Linebacker's sister.
I got 'em, too.
She got 'em from me.
So I hurdle for the end zone, ball outstretched.
Zebra puts his arms up.
Game over.
State Championship.
Boom! Aaron Rodgers stole that from me.
Discount double check my ass.
It was a great day for the whole town.
I puked on a cop car [chuckles.]
and no one even cared.
Hey, you know, if you want, I could come down and help you out a bit.
- What do you say, Coach? - Sounds great.
You gotta tell that story at the spaghetti dinner.
Yeah, I think I could come down and say a few words.
Sweet! The guys will be stoked.
You really were the best.
Aw yeah.
Well, Mr.
Bennett I have to say, for the most part, you're in impressive health for a man your age.
You know, when I take my truck in and there's nothing wrong with it, they don't charge me.
Take these until your back pain subsides, and, um, you should be fine in a few days.
Sounds good.
I'll see you in 12 years.
I'm not done.
We have to talk about your high blood pressure.
What? You're at risk for stage two hypertension, which could lead to heart attack, stroke or kidney failure.
Unless you make some lifestyle changes.
I'm not doing Pilates.
I think we can start with your diet.
I'd like you to cut back on red meat.
Pass.
You're also going to have to cut down on your drinking.
Try again.
What about stress? What do you do to reduce it? Eat steak and drink whiskey.
Mr.
Bennett, come on, this is serious.
My stress will come down when I sell my calves.
Well, in the meantime, you need to cut back on salt and eat more vegetables.
Okay, I think we're done here.
Yeah.
If I had receivers like you, I'd have won four State Championships.
Drop it.
All right.
Now give me five yards and a slant.
That's 35 in dog yards.
Hut.
Hut.
Hike.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How was practice? We ran corner blitzes, I confiscated one kid's pot, sold it to another kid.
Overall, a pretty good day.
Yeah.
Hey, you know what? That Josh seems like a pretty good kid.
I think I can really help him.
Yeah, about that.
I'm not sure the coach wants you hanging around the team.
Why would you say that? Because the coach told me, "I don't want Colt hanging around the team.
" Why not? Well, he said you have a disrespectful attitude.
Fuck that asshole.
Clearly, he's out of his mind.
I won that guy his only State title.
Colt, you came in there and told a five-minute story, and the moral was, "Don't listen to Coach and you win a State Championship.
" What kind of message does that send to the team? One that ends with, "You win a State Championship.
" You know what? It's fine.
It's Coach's loss.
Team's loss.
Town's loss.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't feel sorry for me.
Feel sorry for the coach.
And the team.
And the town.
You're being a baby.
And a tool.
And a douche.
Well, Maggie, I hope you're happy.
I am.
How are you gonna ruin it? You gave me high blood pressure.
- What? - I went to the doctor, like you said.
Now I have high blood pressure.
High blood pressure is manageable.
You know, it's not the end of the world.
I'm prepared for the end of the world.
I've got a shelter full of beef jerky.
Yeah, I know.
You took me there for our 20th anniversary.
Look, all you have to do is take more walks, drink more water, and switch from bacon to turkey bacon.
Yeah, and I'll trade my truck in on a Prius.
If it'll help, I'll diet with you.
How's that? Why can't you just be like a normal wife and not care if I live or die? Don't worry about it.
You stay healthy, you're looking at another 30 years of wakin' up at dawn and workin' that ranch with your sons.
Sweet Jesus, take me now.
- Hey, Colt.
- Hey.
Abby.
What are you doing here? Well, I thought you might wanna wear this to the spaghetti dinner.
- What is that? My old letterman jacket? - Yeah.
You still got it, huh? Yeah, you know, I thought maybe, you know, after we broke up, you'd become famous and I could sell it for a lot of money.
Anyway, here.
- Look at that.
- [chuckles.]
Nice.
- Wow! - [laughs.]
Do I look as good as I think I do? Don't think that's possible.
I heard about the coaching thing.
Oh, yeah.
It's not a big deal.
I was just offering a favor.
I mean, heck, if Blake Shelton wants to teach you how to sing, you don't go with Shakira, right? Well, for what it's worth, Coach is crazy.
I mean, who knows more about getting Garrison to State than Colt Bennett? I guess you haven't heard about the new Colt Bennett.
You know, I'm driving.
[chuckles.]
Yeah, I have.
Josh, you know, he's just another read-option clone.
I mean, he can hit the short crosses and extend plays with his feet, but he stares down his primary receiver and that is just begging to be intercepted.
Okay, now I'm offended they didn't ask you to be the new coach.
Well, actually, they did.
I just had a full class schedule.
- That's why they hired Rooster.
Shh.
- [chuckles.]
You miss football, don't you? Ah [scoffs.]
No.
What do I miss? Two-a-days, and the ice baths, and however many concussions I had.
Actually, I don't miss it at all.
You'd be a lot more convincing if you weren't sitting there holding a football and wearing a letterman jacket.
[chuckles.]
But I'm sure it must be hard.
I don't even know why I came back to this stupid town.
What? I'm glad you came back.
I mean, as bad as you think this place is with you, it's even worse without you.
You're about the best thing here.
There you go.
You found something good.
Yeah, I did.
Whoa, Colt.
What are you doing? No.
What? I have a boyfriend.
Who? Kenny? Yeah, Kenny.
He's a good guy and I love him.
[sighs.]
Okay, then why do you keep making excuses to come out here? You know what? Forget it.
I was just trying to be your friend, but don't worry, that won't happen again.
[glass shatters.]
[loud thud.]
[indistinct chatter.]
Here you go.
- What the hell is this? - Your dinner.
This is not my dinner.
This is what I feed my dinner.
I gotta capture this moment.
It's like if you got a shot of Bigfoot coming out of the woods.
And he was eating a salad.
[shutter clicks.]
Hey, everybody.
Now, before I bring out Coach Fitzgerald, how about we give away our first raffle prize? A free night's stay at any Courtyard by Marriott.
- [cheering.]
- [boy.]
Yeah.
That's nice.
Who donated that? [chuckles.]
[chuckling.]
All right.
And the winner is Maggie Bennett! Oh, my God! Good for you.
Go get your prize.
[Maggie.]
Oh! What do you want for that meatball? I don't shovel shit for a week.
Done.
I'd have given you a month.
And now, a big surprise for everyone.
The greatest quarterback in Garrison High School history, Colt Bennett! - [cheering.]
- [applause.]
[chanting.]
Colt! Thank you.
Let me ask you a question.
Who's the best high school football team in the state of Colorado? [all.]
Garrison! And who's gonna kick Norwood's ass this week? [all.]
Garrison! Who's going all the way to State? [all.]
Garrison! Who's going to finish the season and realize their best years are behind them? [scattered.]
Garrison Is he drunk? No more than usual.
And who's gonna wash up as a professional football player and then have to move back home with his dad, and then find out that his girlfriend is dating someone from the band? Garrison! [feedback crackles.]
- [chuckles.]
- [people murmuring.]
[door opens.]
[exhales heavily.]
Hey.
You a senior? She thinks my tractor's sexy It really turns her on - [honking.]
- Ah! Thank you! Thank you! Go Mustangs! She's always starin' at me [sirens wailing.]
- While I'm chuggin' along - [horn honking.]
She's even kind of crazy 'Bout my farmer's tan [slurring.]
I can explain everything, sir.
I was not speeding.
You know what? I want a lawyer.
She said she was 18.
Bennett? Is that you? Beer Pong Billy! [laughing.]
Hey! Oh, my God! Man! What've you been up to? Well, you know, I applied to college.
Didn't get in.
Applied to a few fast food restaurants.
Didn't get in there either.
So now I'm a cop.
Oh! That's awesome.
Hey what're you doing all the way out here? Pulling over a drunk guy driving a tractor.
That's amazing, 'cause I'm, like, maybe, like, a little bit drunk, and I'm driving a tractor, and I just got pulled over by a cop.
It's like we're doing the same thing.
Hey, hey, I got an idea.
Let's run a play! How about we just get in the back of my cop car and try not to throw up.
Yeah, we'll get to that.
But first, let's do my idea.
- Bennett! - Omaha! Hey! Hey, dude, stop! Colt! Come on, dude! My car has got a camera on it.
You're gonna make me look like an idiot! [laughing.]
Hey! Hey! Remember in high school when we were at, um, what Amy Plummer's house, and you took a dump in her dryer? And then we just went back to playing Uno like nothing ever happened? It was her washer, man.
I'm not an animal.
Oh, man, you're a legend! - What the hell's wrong with you? - Me? I peaked in high school.
Yeah, well, it seems like you're doing just great.
Come on.
Get in the car.
Oh, come on! You're arresting me for sticking my hands in your butt? Man, I'm not arresting you.
I'm just gonna get you home.
- Come on.
- Really? You're a good guy, Beer Pong.
- What is this? A Glock? - Gimme that! Say what you want, those kids are gonna remember that speech.
We need to sit and talk with him.
Well, I'm at a loss.
I've tried everything.
You've tried yelling at him and kicking him out.
Like I said, I've tried everything.
Here comes Beer Pong.
Well, if someone had to find him, I'm glad it was Billy.
[sighs.]
[exhales deeply.]
What's up, Beer Pong? You got that 50 bucks you owe me? You still sellin' weed to high school kids, Rooster? All right.
Even Stevens.
I'm serious.
I can beat my high score.
It's not a video game, Bennett.
It's a breathalyzer.
[imitating Billy.]
"It's not a video game, Bennett.
It's a breathalyzer.
" You used to be so chill, Beer Pong.
Thank you, Billy.
Picked him up on Route 68.
That's where you'll find your tractor.
Our tractor's in the barn.
Damn it.
Shh! What's up? - I stole Billy's Taser.
- [both laugh.]
Not funny, dude.
If I lose another one of these, I'm off the force.
- Colt, sit, we need to talk.
- [slurring.]
Mom, I don't wanna hear it.
I already know what everyone is gonna say.
[imitating Maggie.]
Colt, I'm worried about you.
[imitating Beau.]
Colt, I'm mad at you.
[imitating Rooster.]
Colt, blah, blah, blah Something sarcastic.
The last one was you.
Blah, blah, blah.
[retches.]
That's you in about two minutes.
[chuckles.]
Yeah.
Colt Bennett doesn't [retches.]
Morning.
Damn it.
[clears throat.]
All right.
You're pissed.
I'm sorry.
I just made an idiot out of myself.
I embarrassed you, and I embarrassed our family.
You also drove the Millers' tractor through the Dairy Queen drive-thru.
All right.
You know what? You're gonna yell at me, so why don't we just go ahead and get that over with.
That hasn't done much good so far.
What? You know, when I got back from Vietnam, I had absolutely no idea what I was gonna do.
Twenty-two years old.
I was a soldier.
It was all I knew.
Lost boy come home from the war.
Only thing I had was right here.
So I came back home.
Grandpa bitch at you for living at home, too? No, I don't think he did.
He was just glad to have another hand.
One he didn't have to pay.
We were all just thankful I came home in one piece.
Wasn't long after that grandfather died.
Momma was all alone.
Outta nowhere.
But the work didn't die with him.
And I knew right there who I was.
I was a rancher.
And for me, that was just right.
I ain't sure that ranching is just right for me.
You know, Colt, I'm not smart enough to tell you how to live your life.
That's for you to figure out.
But I do believe that one of these days you're gonna wake up and know exactly who you are.
I just hope I live long enough to see that.
In the meantime you got a place you belong and work you can take pride in.
Appreciate that.
Or you wake up one day and find yourself eating quinoa.
Whatever in the fuck that is.
[country music playing.]