The Royle Family (1998) s01e03 Episode Script

# I would like to leave this city # This old town don't smell too pretty and # I can feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # - Right.
- Lovely dinner, Barbara.
- Thanks, Mam.
- You see, when you live on your own, it's not won'th doing a chicken just for one.
It's too much for one meal.
You see, you can get four or five meals out of a chicken.
- You're sick of it by Thursday.
- You can just get a chicken breast.
Well, I'm not that keen on chicken.
Mam, d'you want a cup of tea or your stout? Ooh, no, I never have me stout till nine o'clock.
- A cup of tea'll do me, love.
- Right.
I don't drink at all, me.
Just a bottle of stout of a night and a sherry at Christmas.
What about a whisky at New Year, Nana? Oh, aye.
Whisky at New Year.
Sherry at Christmas and a bottle of stout.
(Jim) You'll have champagne at the wedding.
Oh, yes.
Champagne at t'wedding.
Whisky at New Year.
Sherry at Christmas and a bottle of stout.
That'll do me.
Hey, Denise, your mam's looking tired.
No.
She's fine.
She's not taking too much on, what with this baker's and all you lot? No.
She's sound.
I got us a little treat.
Ooh! I love cream cakes, me.
Ooh! I don't know which one to have.
- I'll have this big one.
- Oh! They're a little bit damaged, Mam, but they taste the same.
They taste better cos they're free, these.
Sandwiches and egg custard for next week, will you, Barb? (Denise) Don't let me have one of them cakes.
I've got Mary coming round with the wedding dress later.
You won't put weight on that bloody fast.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll just have an éclair.
They're only small.
(Antony) Nice one.
I've having an éclair.
Look out.
Antony, go and put that bin out.
That chickerll stink if we leave it.
I've just sat down.
What about lazy arse here? Eh, there's too much swearing in this house.
That's you, that is, Jim.
You've taught 'em that.
- Taught 'em, my arse.
- (Mary) Whoo-oo! Only me.
- Come in, Mary.
- Oh, hello, Norma.
- How are you keeping? - Not so bad, considering.
- Have you had a Sunday dinner? - No, I haven't bothered.
That's the mood I'm in.
Dave isn't here? I'll go and get Cheryl and we'll bring in the dress.
Sit yourself down.
We'll phone her.
It's only next door.
Antony'll go.
Don't get lost.
98 bloody pound, our last telephone bloody quarter.
I know.
Not cheap, are they, phones? Especially when you live on your own.
I wanted to do Friends & Family, but I couldn't make up the numbers.
- Most of 'em were dead.
- (Jim groans) I'm gonna do the pots.
- Eh, I'll tell you who has died.
- Bloody old hypocrite.
She's bored them to bloody death.
Right (Sighs) Right we go.
- Wanna wash or dry? - Neither.
- Right, you're drying.
- I'd sooner wash.
Ee-uh! I'm sorry.
I've got to take your first answer.
Nana don't half give it some of that.
Have a bit of respect.
She's your grandmother.
- Mind you, you are bloody right.
- Hiya.
Are they in there? Aye.
They've got the cauldron out.
- Dad, what was Grandad like? - Your mam's dad? Aye.
He was hard of hearing, the lucky little bleeder.
What did he do? He was the finest freehand tool grinder I've ever seen.
What's a freehand tool grinder? Never you mind.
They don't have 'em in McDonald's, so you'll be all right when you start work.
Here you are.
You forgot the roasting pan.
Leave that till your mother's got a chance to do it.
- What was he actually like, though, eh? - Just an old fella.
Liked his ale.
Always paid his way.
Stood his corner.
He went half over our wedding, not like bloody Ebenezer.
- Who's bloody Ebenezer? - Dave's dad.
Hopalong Cassidy.
- All right, Jim, Ant? - Hello, son.
Been sent in here.
She's trying that wedding dress on.
Wort let me look.
You can look at the bill if you want to.
Hey, I'm rough today, me.
My guts are well off.
Had a bad pint last night.
Bet you washed it down with a few more, though.
How d'you know if it's bad? Cos you can shit through the eye of a needle.
- Where did you go? - Pear Tree.
- You don't wanna drink in there.
- I know that now, don't I? - He doesn't clean his pumps.
- The lager's all right.
- How would you know, soft lad? - Dad, I'm 15.
If I ever catch you in the Feathers, I'll clip you round the bloody ear.
- Do not shit on your own doorstep.
- I nearly did last night.
Couldrt get the key in quick enough.
- What are you doing tonight? - Pear Tree.
Doing the quiz night.
- What will you get? - 20 notes and all I can drink.
- Just 20 notes, then.
- You could give us the answers.
- You only win a T-shirt.
- It's better on my back, innit? They'll know it's a fix.
You don't know nowt.
I know not to drink the bitter in there.
Nice one, basin head.
(Barbara) Do you know, you look absolutely gorgeous.
Remember Jeanette's wedding? She had a big ironing mark on her back.
Everybody was laughing.
She didn't give a toss.
She just kept saying, "Oh, well, it won't show on the photos.
" Denise, make sure I catch the bouquet.
I'm gonna be on your right, your left when you turn round.
My left.
Right.
- How's your diet going, Cheryl? - All right.
I lost four pounds.
- Ooh! - And then I put two back on.
- And then another two.
- Oh.
But, you know, I've not gained any.
(Barbara) Oh.
I think you're doing ever so well to stick to it, love.
- Where is it you're going, again? - Tenerife.
Ooh! That'll be gorgeous, won't it? Me and your grandad went to Blackpool for a week in a B&B.
It's a Harry Ramsders now.
Quite fitting, as we met in a fish shop.
It was after the town-hall dance.
I went with my friend Betty.
Oh, Betty.
She married a joiner, moved to Leeds.
He knocked her about a bit, but her home was lovely.
- Do you ever hear from her? - No.
I never liked her, even when we were best friends.
- So what are you wearing, Cheryl? - It's a lovely dusky peach dress.
We just have to let it out a couple of inches, that's all.
How much longer is this going on? It's five minutes till the Antique Roadshow.
Jim.
Oh, I'm sorry, love.
Bloody hell.
Would you look at her? That dress is absolutely gorgeous.
Don't scratch the coffee table, though, love, will you? Remember Jeanette with that bloody big burn mark on her back? We just been talking about that, Jim.
The poor old bridesmaid was standing right up to her right through the service.
(Barbara) Ohh.
- What's Dave doing? - Talking us through his shites.
- Don't let him come in here.
- It's all right.
He's firmed up now.
You've got five more minutes.
When we hear the music from the Antique Roadshow, we're coming in, lovely dress or no lovely bloody dress.
- You nearly done, Mary? - Yes.
I'll finish the hem tonight by hand.
Cheryl, come upstairs and help me get this clobber off.
Oh, check if Dave's there, can see anything.
(Denise) Ta.
(Mary) Mind this dress.
OK, ta.
(AII sigh) (Barbara) Aww.
- You feel for them, don't you? - Oh, yeah.
- Their whole married life ahead of them.
- Oh.
- They know nothing of pain.
- No.
Well, I hope they make it all right.
It's not easy, is it? No.
I were unappy for 25 years, but at least I had a try.
So what's the dress like, then, Jim? I dunno.
It's just a wedding dress, you know.
But I tell you what, she looked bloody gorgeous.
- Oh, look out.
Here's Mastermind.
- (Both groan) Blimey.
(Dave) All right, Joe? (Jim) All right, Joe? (Antony) All right, Joe? - You busy? - No.
Are you looking for Mary? No.
Um, want a cup of tea, Joe? No, I won't, thanks.
Want a damaged cake? Aye, go on, then.
- Do you go up the Pear Tree, Joe? - No.
- Don't like the bitter.
- Neither does my bumhole.
It's like a chewed orange.
The Antique Roadshow'll be on in a minute, Joe.
Oh, aye.
Barbara's mother's down.
Why don't you say hello? Nah.
- So everything's going all right? - Can't complain.
Thanks for the cake.
- You hear the thunder last night? - No.
- Slept through it, then? - Aye.
Must have done.
(# Music on TV) Antony, nip through and see if we can go in, will you? It's all right.
You can go in now.
Oh, Dave! You're in for a treat! I'd better press on.
Are you stopping, Joe? No.
Bloody hell.
He's hard work, irt he? Wonder if he'll give me any tips for me wedding speech.
(Mimics Joe) No.
D'you think she's all right? She's not too down about this wedding? No, she's bearing up very well, Mam.
(# Singing Antiques Roadshow theme) - All right, Nana? - Hello, love.
They took their revenge I do like what's-his-name.
- Hugh Scully, Mam.
- I'd watch anything with him in it.
(Jim) He's on now, so let's bloody watch it, eh? - 20 pence if you're having a bet.
- Antony, pass us me tin.
known as a calthrop, these crude spikes were scattered all over the battlefields by the Scottish army.
They got into the hooves of English horses and brought the cavalry down.
- Hiya, Dave.
- Ssh.
I'm watching this.
- Dave.
- OK, who's in? - Did Cheryl take the dress, love? - Yeah.
It's still light.
Antony.
- Mam, lend us a quid.
- No, you're too young for gambling.
I'll give it to you.
Split the winnings, though.
- Cheers, Nana.
- (Jim) Denise? - I'll share Dave's.
- Only one guess, then.
- I'll put in for her ar all, then.
- That's true love.
Penny bun costs tuppence.
But I'm not quite sure that it's won'th 100% Crap on pottery.
(Barbara) There's a bit of a crack in it.
He'll make it cheaper.
- We had a cupboard full of them.
- How much did you pay? I'm saying 150 notes.
What about you? - I'll say that.
- No, I put in for you separate.
- Say another one.
- 200.
- I'll say 300 notes.
- (Barbara) It's never 300.
25 quid.
No, they wouldn't have bothered taking them in.
That's what I paid for 'em.
Bought 'em just after the war.
I'm saying 850.
one can say that this type of vase should be insured these days in the region of £1,000 Hey! Come to Daddy! - You were miles out.
- The nearest wins.
Hey, look at the face on her.
She wanted more for it than that, didn't she? She did, miserable old so-and-so.
Quiet now, we're talking Queen Anne furniture.
- (Norma) I like that blouse.
- I'm more interested in the furniture.
- We had one of those in the shed.
- (Barbara) You never.
We did.
The binmen took it.
We're losing bloody time.
He's winding up here.
I'm gonna say 2,400.
You've blobbed it this time.
It's won'th double that.
Five grand.
4,999.
- You can't do that.
- I can, can't I, Mam? Tell him.
I'll say 3,000.
- 5,000.
- I said that.
Oh.
6,000.
- For a manky old table? - 500, then.
I'm not bothered.
Norma? They had one on last week made out of lolly sticks.
- How much are you saying? at least £2,500.
- Yay! - (Norma) 2,500.
- I'm sorry.
You're too late.
- No, I was gonna say that! - Say it, my arse! - You're a greedy so-and-so, Jim.
- I'll bet he's taped this.
It'll be on t'video.
- Oh, look, look! Candelabra.
- We had one of them.
- Behave, will you, Norma? Who d'you think you are, the Queen of Sheba? - I'm saying 750 notes.
- 749.
I'm warning you, knobby.
We could put one of those candelabras on our wedding list.
Not one of them old crappy ones.
Like a newie.
What do you think? - What? - Are we all in or what? Remember the power cuts in the '70s? That would have been handy.
- Yes, Mam.
- Shut up and say how much.
- Shut up, Jim.
Don't be so rude.
- There's money on the go here.
We had candles on saucers all over the house.
We had to tie the dog up.
Do you remember, Barbara? - How much did he say? - Ooh, I haven't said how much.
- I think he said 750 notes.
- (Jim) No way.
- What did he say, then? - We'll never know.
I couldn't hear.
- There's too much yapping.
- Why don't we have a rollover? I was on for a bloody hat trick there.
Sod it.
- I'm going for a Tom Tit.
- Oh, get off! Go on.
(Mutters) - He's an old mardy arse.
- Always was.
I'm having my 20p back.
I'm going to the shop.
- Get us 20 ciggies.
- Can I keep the change? Shout up and see if your dad wants any ciggies, love.
- Dad, do you want any ciggies? - Yeah.
Get the money off your mother.
Tell him to get them out of his winnings.
Mam says get them out of your winnings! I can't have a shite in peace here! Here you are, Antony.
Here you are.
Get me some.
Get me and your nana a Crunchie.
Denise, do you want one? No, I'm cutting back.
Will you have half with me, Dave? - Yeah.
- Get one for yourself.
- Get your dad a Turkish Delight.
- Right.
Looking forward to the wedding, Dave? Oh, aye, big style.
I'm gonna be hammered by eight o'clock.
- That's what your stag night's for.
- He's only trying to wind me up.
- I can have a drink.
- You're not getting hammered.
I'll just have a glass of sherry and me stout.
That'll do me.
- And your champagne, Mam.
- Oh, aye.
A glass of champagne, a glass of sherry and me stout.
- That was quick.
- You can't have a decent shit here.
- I'll bake it till she's gone.
- Ugh.
All right, Norma.
Come on.
I'll take you on the bus.
Oh, Jim, she's only just settled.
It'd be less trouble if I were dead.
Wort be long now.
Look, if I'm gonna take her, I'll have to go now.
I've gotta get the bus all the way to your house, then I've got to get the bus all the way back if I wanna go the Feathers.
I don't mind, so long as I'm back in time for Heartbeat.
I'm not missing that.
I might as well be dead.
You've been raising our hopes with that for 15 years.
- You'll outlive the bloody lot of us.
- She'll outlive you if you don't sit down.
I'll take you in t'van, Nana.
Hey, good lad.
- You'll have to get in t'back, though.
- Ooh! Oh, 'eck.
It's years since I've been in the back of a van.
You're a good 'un, chuck.
I'll leave you summat nice in my will.
Eh, why wait till then? Plenty of room in t'back of t'van.
I've had my eye on that clock of yours.
You cheeky beggar.
Hugh Scully'd give us a few bob for that.
(Denise) Can we stop talking about Nana dying? Yeah, have a bit of respect.
Wait till she's gone out the door.
Oh, I'm only joking, Norma.
Bloody hell, it'll be a sad day in this house when you snuff it.
If we don't get that clock.
He hasn't got a heart, Mam.
He's got a swinging brick.
I'll tell you who is in hospital.
Gwers husband.
- Oh.
What's he having done? - He's having something fitted.
- What, a wardrobe? - No.
I don't know.
But she doesn't think he'll ever come out again.
And she lost her brother in October, you know.
He went to bed after Inspector Morse.
He never woke up again.
- I never liked Inspector Morse.
- (Door slams) Here you are.
Crunchies.
- Thanks, love.
- Ta, love.
- Mm.
- That's nice, irt it? - Here you are, Dad.
- Thanks, gay boy.
Dave, don't let me have any of that.
- Hey, Dave.
- What? I saw Beverley Macca down at the offy.
What you telling me for? - You fancy her, don't you? - Stop shit-stirring.
Mam, why does he always have to cause trouble? Actually, Dave, she had one of her kids in with her.
- It's starting to look a lot like you.
- Shut up, Antony.
That's enough.
- Who's Beverley Macca? - A girl Dave went out with.
- Only once.
- That's all it takes.
- I did nowt.
- Better not have done.
Dirty cow, her.
Have I ever seen Beverley Macca? No more about Beverley Macca.
- Antony, make a brew.
- I've just been to the shop.
Come on, the kettle's already boiled, lazy arse.
It's your own fault for stirring the shit.
- Get.
- Mam.
Leave him, Denise.
It's always the same in this house, Mam.
At least it's better than being on your own.
You're not on your own, are you, Norma? Why didn't you mention it? You're a sarcastic bugger, you, Jim.
Sure you don't want any, Denise? No.
Eat it quick before I change me mind.
Mmm.
Lovely chocolate.
Honeycomb centre.
Don't be tight, Dave.
Mmm.
This is the best chocolate bar I've ever had.
- (Norma) 'Tis nice, irt it? - Nana.
Oh, Dave, just save me the very, very end bit.
No, I'm thinking of you.
I'm not taking Bella Emberg down the bloody aisle.
- Mm.
- Mm.
- (Norma) Mm.
- It's called orange-peel glaze.
This orange-peel glaze is a sign of Chinese porcelain around 1790 to 1810.
- Here you are.
- Ah.
- Dave! I'm not marrying you now.
- I'm bothered.
That's no reason not to marry him.
I'm only joking.
He'll be back with that Beverley if you're not careful.
- (Mumbles) No, I won't! - I'm saying nothing.
- Here you are, Nana.
- What's that you're giving to Nana? - Tea.
- You know she has it in a china cup.
- It's all right.
I'll make do.
- It's no trouble.
He can change it.
- Go on, Antony.
- Nana, we're going to be off soon.
I've gotta get back for the pub quiz at t'Pear Tree.
- (Barbara) She's not got her tea yet.
- Well I can't say I've not had a lovely day.
- That were a beautiful dinner, Barbara.
- Thanks, Mam.
- And them broken cakes were lovely.
- Ohh.
- I'll give you some to take home.
- That'll be nice.
I've got Gwen coming round tomorrow after the hospital.
It'll be a nice treat for her, with what's happening to her husband.
- Take her mind off it.
- Here you are.
I don't want that now.
I know when I've outstayed me welcome.
I can go home and make one for meself.
I'll put those cakes in a box.
Dave, can you get me that local paper? They don't deliver 'em up my way.
You live on the other side of town, so you'll get a local one.
- But I prefer yours.
- Antony, get your nars coat.
Mam, do you remember that bald comedian you liked? - He's on at t'Labour Club.
- Oh, he were funny, werert he? - Shall I get you a ticket? - No.
- Sorry to rush you, Nana.
- Where's me bag? - And, um And cakes.
- Here.
- Me stout.
Where's me stout? - Antony, stout.
(Jim) Bloody hell, are you leaving us anything? Cheerio, Jim.
Don't get up.
- Missing you already, love.
- See you, Nana.
Bye-bye, love.
Bye-bye.
(Barbara) Antony.
- Bye-bye, love.
- See you.
Ring me as soon as you get home.
She's going home with Dave.
What's gonna happen? See her right inside.
It's like Beirut round there.
Hey, Jim, Jim! Will you tape me Montel Williams? - Yes, love.
Yes.
- Ta.
I hope he don't forget.
Bloody hell.
It takes her half an hour to go.
Then she'll be on the phone for half an hour telling us she's got home.
Dad, has she really got a load of antiques? Has she, my arse! # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # Half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I've been lost, I've been found but I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down #