The Sopranos s01e03 Episode Script

You should've just rang the doorbell, brendan.
Come on.
Hey, you! Yeah, you! What are you doin'? We found this truck on the side of the road.
There might be some transmission trouble.
You might wanna check it out.
What's goin' on here? Hey, that's the truck.
The one stolen in newark? Hey, what are you doin' with the truck, asshole? It's a gift from tony soprano.
Let's call the cops.
Those are the fucking guys that killed hector.
I don't fuckin' believe it.
We just returned the biggest score of my whole year.
Listen, you fuck.
Uncle junior's been breakin' tony's balls'cause you hijacked that truck.
You're lucky tony doesn't shove the cab up your ass.
What else did comley say? Nothin' much.
There was some stuff missing from the truck, but he didn't give a fuck as long as the thing's back.
Then he said to tell tony thank you, and if there's anything tony needs, call.
Tony? Those fuckin' junkie fucks, they work for tony, they hijack carmine's truck, i get it back, and old man comley's thanking tony? Well, i think you should've taken care of this christopher moltisanti thing the minute it first happened.
You should've sent a clear- cut signal: You fuck with junior soprano-- take it easy.
We're not making a western here.
Fuckin' family.
I bought his kid a $400 surfboard for his birthday.
Mr.
Soprano? How you doin'? What's that, a trick picture out there? - Which? - The barn.
And the old tree, all rotted out inside.
It's just a picture i bought, um-- i- i remember-- in a little gallery in provincetown.
That is a special- made psychological picture, like that, uh, that what- do- you- call- it test.
The "korshack.
" You think i want to trick you? - Oh, no.
- What does that picture say to you? It says,"hey, asshole, we're from harvard.
What do you think about this spooky, depressing barn and this rotted- out tree?" It's depressing and scary to you? Not to me.
But it's got that built right into it.
How are things? Good.
Had a real good week.
Friend of mine's in the hospital.
That's never pleasant, but otherwise i'm having a good week.
What's he in for? First they thought it was an ulcer.
Then this, then that.
You worried about him? Jackie? Jackie's so fuckin' mean, he'll scare that cancer away.
Your friend has cancer.
Dr.
Stevens, dial 107.
Hey, jackie, when they hook you up, do you watch to make sure they don't have air in your veins, or do you think this is bullshit? What do you mean? This is a good hospital, sweetheart.
Nothing like that is gonna happen here.
Air in the line'll kill ya.
Know who else-- hey.
Know who else has cancer? Tommy dipalma.
He's got it much worse than you, though.
It's eatin' his brain away.
Is somebody havin' a baby or what? Hey! How you doin'? How are ya? How you feelin'? Good.
Good.
Hey, hesh, good to see you.
Thanks for comin'.
Jackie.
Lookin' well, pal.
Hey, thank you.
Here, ro.
Jackie.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
This is a surprise.
Mikey, nice to see you again in men's clothing.
I think i should grab a fire extinguisher.
Heard a friend of yours had a spontaneous combustion in his restaurant.
I'm going to the cafeteria.
You want anything? - Yeah, a plate of braciole.
- you look good.
They got grappa in this thing? I wish.
See you later.
I got some errands, jackie.
Give junior my love.
I will.
Hey, tell my uncle i sent back the fuckin' truck.
Now give me that quart of vinegar peppers he owes me.
Sure.
Oof.
Thank god he left.
He's a nice guy, but he's like the grim fuckin' reaper.
It's like he knows every guy with a fuckin' cancer cell, and he can't wait to tell ya.
You know, jackie, you might be a candidate for clinical trials.
These, uh, stump cell therapies-- paulie, don't you listen? He don't wanna hear no more cancer talk.
Get the fuck outta here.
Trust me, you caught a break bein' jewish.
See what i gotta deal with? Jews.
Jews, that's right.
I knew there was somethin'.
You know that guy teittleman? Owns all that property.
Got a motel down the street from the club.
The jew with the black clothes and the curls and everything.
They're called hasidim.
Hasidim, but i don't believe'em.
What's he want, this teittleman? - A divorce for his daughter.
- What are you talkin' about? Teittleman's son- in- law will not give teittleman's daughter the consent unless teittleman gives him They call it a "get.
" Why don't he just, uh-- uh, it's, it's taboo for their religion.
You know about this shit? Run, huh? Trust me.
You don't want to do business with these people.
He said there's 25 large in it if we can get him this here, uh, this here "get.
" There's an old saying amongst jews: When a jew gets a divorce, even the altar sheds tears.
All right, i heard enough.
Hey, look, i'm gettin' kinda tired here.
- Let's go get a cup of coffee.
- We'll see ya later, jackie.
Good night, jackie.
Yeah.
That crash you all heard was meadow soprano jumping her cue.
Miss marris, we're really exhausted from studying for s.
A.
T.
S.
We were up past 2:00 last night.
- Are you her lawyer? - No.
Why they'd schedule the s.
A.
T.
S the same week as our recital-- - sameday.
- What? Get kicked out of concert singers and there goes our best extracurricular.
Good- bye, berkeley, hello, glassboro state.
I cannot wait until the whole north american land mass is between me, tony and carmela.
New jersey blows.
I want to go to berkeley so bad.
The whole east, i can't deal anymore.
So we don't sleep till after the s.
A.
T.
S.
Don't mind the mess.
I wasn't expecting company.
I couldn't wait.
I had to see the new house.
Where's king arthur? Oh, he's downstairs.
This plumbing-- here? Yeah.
Oh, i love the coziness.
Welcome to the neighborhood.
Well, the school district, anyway.
Carm, you did not have to do this.
I mean, we don't see each other like we used to, and-- i want that to change.
- Could this be artie bucco? - Hey, capitan.
Place looks good.
Ah, it needs a little work, but we'll get there.
You need some start- up cash until the insurance settlement on the restaurant comes-- ha! Insurance.
There'll be an italian president before i see any insurance money.
I thought that was settled.
Join the club.
They're putting us through a second arson investigation.
Do they think you're mobbed up? You're a working stiff.
It doesn't make any sense.
Who would burn down a perfectly good restaurant? It's stupid.
Insane.
I'm sorry, artie.
Life goes on, no? I could always be a plumber, no? Only one concept to master.
Shit runs downhill.
Yes, it does.
Come in the kitchen.
I'll buy you a beer.
Mr.
Soprano.
Mr.
Teittleman.
My pleasure.
Please, have a seat.
Thank you.
Silvio you know.
Paulie.
Paulie, how are you? This is my son.
- Does he have a name, or do we have to give him one? - Oh, i'm sorry.
It's hillel.
You know the story about my daughter and her husband? Yeah, he knows.
- Do you have a daughter, mr.
Soprano? - Yes.
Call me tony.
What would you do if your daughter was abused by her husband? Talk to him.
Yeah, in ball- peen hammer.
I think you understand my anger.
He's not only harming my daughter, but he's mocking our laws of marriage.
Look, let's understand each other from the get- go here, okay? I'm in the carton and waste- management business.
I'm only here because i'm a friend of silvio's, you're a friend of silvio's.
You may be having a family problem that i can help you with, and if i can do it, that'll make me happy.
- What's your fuckin' problem, pal? - please finish.
- You're being shaken down for 50 percent of your motel.
- Correct.
And the rabbi goon squads who used to smack these husbands around to get the divorce? They've been put out of business by the d.
A.
's office.
All right, 25 percent.
He wants 50, we get 25.
- I don't understand.
- That's'cause i'm not talking to you.
You get me what i want, mr.
Soprano, and you have a deal.
It's done.
Put these people in our motel, and you'll never get them out.
That's a commercial, isn't it? Julio, before lunch i want you to do bedding inventory.
Si, si, si.
Half hour.
And nocervezas, please.
Yes, may i help you? That depends.
Are you ariel? That also depends.
Are you a bill collector? What is this, the catskills? Shecky greene, we got here.
- We want to talk to you about your father- in- law.
- I'm sorry, he's not here.
We know he's not here, but we want to talk to you about him and you, him and this little problem that you're having.
Look, i don't know who you are, but any problem i may or may not be having with my family is none of your matter.
So get out of here, huh? Now, now, look, shlomo is a friend of mine.
And you're bragging this? Oh, this guy-- listen, listen.
You couldn't possibly understand what's going on here.
Shlomo is an arrogant, ignorant control freak.
Look, i know him since before i had hair on mypetzel.
I made this place.
The flyers, the car rental drop- off, the business breakfast, it was me, not him.
I sweated blood into this place, and he owes me, and i intend to get what's mine.
So please, don't embarrass yourself any further.
Just leave.
I'm not embarrassed.
You embarrassed? Listen to me, you weirdo fuck.
You give shlomo whatever he wants, and you forget this 50 percent shit.
You got nothin' comin' to ya.
You understand me? Nothin'! Fuck you! Bupkes.
Say"bupkes,"paulie.
What? That's how they say "nothin'.
" Fuck that.
This is how i say "nothin'.
" How's that for nothin'? You know what? Probably not.
The fund- raiser of pediatrics hospital? I'm gonna hire artie and charmaine to cater it.
Come on, this fund- raiser.
Since when do we open our house to strangers? Oh, you're right.
Let's just move back to italy.
We'll live in a little hill town, just like our ancestors, put a big wall around it, and we'll throw burning oil at all the travelers that knock at the gate.
Poor charmaine.
I tried to find nice things to say about that house.
It wasn't that bad.
It just needs a little work, that's all.
Those two are so broke.
That fire.
If that insurance'd get off its ass-- - do you think it could've been arson? - What's the matter with you? Hey! Yeah, put matt on.
Hold on.
What's going on in here? You trying to damage your inner ears? We're studying.
These are just practice tests, and they're brutal.
Your parents know you're here this late? Yeah.
They don't care.
She's sleeping over.
Can hunter please sleep over? Start sleeping, then.
Study time's over.
We still have six more chapters left.
Then can you keep the decibel level down, please? For my husband.
Matt, i'm serious, you guys.
Matt, if we can't score some crystal, we're dead.
Okay, with this budget we can do three waiters for the passed hors d'oeuvres, two for the champagne.
It's such a load off, you're helping.
The whole party has me at sixes and sevens.
Pediatric hospital's such a worthy cause.
Oh, no.
Oona! There is fingerprints all over the breakfront.
I want this place to sparkle.
She's usually very good.
From poland.
Please get in the car, sir.
Come on.
Like the cop would be callin' this asshole "sir" if the fuckin' cameras weren't around.
I saw this one anyway.
So why don't you call tony so he can call junior and see if we can change the channel.
Get that, will ya, babe? Sure.
I'm the only one who has to go to work around here.
Yeah, restaurant hostess.
Real tough work.
It's your little cousin.
Hi, adriana.
Hey.
How you doin'? - What are you doing here? - Hello to you, too.
And hunter, what are you doin'? Don't mind him.
His brain is fried.
You want a soda or somethin'? How'bout a beer? Yeah, right.
Just kidding.
I'll have a coke, if you have one.
- So, what do you want, meadow? - I think she wants somethin' from me.
In your dreams, brendan.
So, if you don't want somethin', what do you want? I want to cop.
Here you go.
What do you mean, "cop"? Score.
We want to score some crystal.
- Yeah? You got money? - Shut up! You ain't givin' them shit.
- Why not? - For starters, your father'll put a bullet in my head.
Since when do you take speed, anyway? She doesn't.
I need it to study for exams.
Yeah, right.
Hunter needs it.
Forget about it.
No fuckin' way.
- What? - He just craves attention, hunter.
Fine.
Just thought i'd ask you before we went down to jefferson avenue.
Those moolinyans'll rob you, rape you and leave you by the side of the road.
I don't know what you see in him.
Money.
What do you think? Fuck you.
See ya, christopher.
I got my own money.
What about me? Nobody's gonna say good- bye to me? Bye.
- Bye.
- bye, guys.
You can't let her go down to jefferson ave.
They'll sell her ajax.
She's not gonna go down there.
She's just tryin' to get me to give her some speed.
Isn't it better if she gets it from you, with all that poison that's floatin' around? Kids.
You think you can protect'em, but you can't.
As the rainy season approaches, the chimps will alter their eating habits.
You watchin' that nature shit again? Hey.
What are you doing here so late? My kid stepped on a nail.
Had to get him a shot.
Where is he? The emergency room with carmela.
So, uh, whatever happened with the jew at the motel? We reached out to him, he wasn't receptive, they're going back.
Want me to leave? No problem.
Just looking for my nurse's pen.
Uh, i think you got the wrong room there, hon, 'cause you are not my nurse.
I know, but i made up the bed.
No, sweetheart, i have not been out of this bed all day.
I'm sorry.
I just need to check some vitals.
Hey, what are you doin'? Hmm.
That seems to be working fine.
Look at these flowers.
Nobody sends flower arrangements like new york.
Let me just check his-- this-- this damn-- this damn i.
V.
Damn-- i got it.
Oh.
- I seem to be having a problem here.
- - do you mind if i borrow one of your gowns? - it's okay.
It's a private party.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Have a nice night.
Oh, maron.
Oh! Ahh! I got you, you prick! You shoulda seen your face! You shoulda seen your face! You prick! "I ain't been out of bed all day, honey.
" - Look at your face.
- Wha-- who the hell is this? Relax, mr.
Aprile.
It's time for your sponge bath.
She's a friend of mine from the club.
Nice girl.
I joined'em later on.
We got a little booze.
You know.
That was nice of you to have a party for your friend.
Yeah.
Tufts medical school.
Mm- hmm.
You're a doctor.
What do you think? About jackie.
I'd have to know more about his condition.
I told you about his condition.
He's got cancer.
- What kind of cancer? - It's in the intestines.
There was a tumor, and they took it out.
That's recurred.
But you said he might go home.
They're not operating? It's next to somethin' vital.
- I see.
- You see.
- From what you're telling me, it doesn't sound very good.
- From what i'm telling you.
- What the fuck do i know? I'm not a doctor.
- You're angry.
Who with? Let me tell you somethin'.
This man has had chemo every day for three fuckin' weeks, and he still has every last hair on his head.
Every last hair on his head, and he's got a beautiful head of hair.
So don't tell me how it sounds, 'cause you don't know him, you don't know me and you don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about.
We're getting closer to you confronting your true feelings about what's going on here.
Wait a minute.
I just told you my true feelings.
You tell me what's really goin' on.
The tree in the painting.
Rotted out, you said.
There's nothing in that picture to indicate that.
The fuckin' painting-- i knew that painting was a fuckin' scam! You remember your dream? The ducks? It took on another meaning.
What happens to a tree that's rotted out? Trees, ducks.
What the fuck are you, ranger rick? Some job you shrinks got.
You think everybody's lying to you while you're pullin' scams on them! Fuck you! Uh- huh.
There's 37 definites.
We got another 13 maybes, plus the whole pediatric hospital board.
Right.
Are you sure we ordered enough champagne? Right.
Jean says they shouldn't be too sober for the silent auction.
If anyone ever finds out you got this from me-- yes! Look at me.
This is no joke.
You and me don't always get along, but i don't think you want to see me dead.
I gotta call hunter.
You're the best.
Hey.
I'm serious.
Just this once.
Okay? I'm no drug dealer.
I just don't want to see you get poisoned.
You father ever finds out-- god, doesn't anyone ever knock? Look, tell brendan that hunter would rather die than go out with him.
Brendan? Keep that asshole away from that child.
You understand me? The guy asked me to do him a favor, i did it.
You delivered the message.
Now let meadow study.
Two goombahs from the old neighborhood.
What, they think they're gonna name the soprano wing in the new hospital with the bulletproof glass and the-- you're just jealous of their money.
Me? Yeah.
Okay, but explain to me this: The guy offers us two tickets to the caribbean out of pure friendship for me, you won't take'em 'cause they're tainted.
But for some snob- ass party, it's all right i take his money to clean his toilets.
First of all, arthur, this is a paying job and not some cruise.
And why do you always have to exaggerate? You're not cleaning his toilets.
You're a chef.
Good.
So you don't mind that he fronts me some money for a new place, 'cause he offered.
Look at that face.
Oh, god, arthur, don't tell me that you took money from tony soprano.
How is it different? Howis it different? I'm a chef.
I need a place to cook.
How? I'm giving carmela my support, that's how.
And it's for a very reputable cause.
But to have that man as a partner-- trust me, artie, that would be insane.
It would mean the end of everything.
At least he made the gesture.
Name me another fuckin' person who offered us anything except the sopranos.
You wanna watch what you're doin'? You're squeezin' the quail.
Do you like the food? I was so busy schmoozing, i barely had a bite.
You are not gonna miss those little veal "tonatas.
" Charmaine! Charmaine! Not in the car! Please, not in the car! Shut up! Let me go, you sons of-- shut up! Get in that fuckin' car! Get in there, you-- no! You miserable fuckin-- i can't get used to havin' all these strangers in my house.
Why'd you invite them? Try one of these.
You're a fuckin' great cook, artie.
I cook like this, it reminds me of what i lost.
Havin' my restaurant ripped from me-- i can't tell ya.
It was like losin' a limb.
Sometimes i lay in bed at night-- okay, enough already.
Why don't you forget about the past.
Look to the future.
I am sick of hearin' about your fuckin' restaurant.
Shut up about it, you depressin' fuckin' jerk.
What the fuck do you know about it? Don't-- you motherfucker.
Uh- huh.
You fuckin' jerk! Come on.
Give it up.
See what you get? You fuckin' son of a bitch.
Get up, you stubborn fuck.
Please! Too late for pleases, you stupid fuck.
All this because you won't say "yes" to a divorce? It's not that simple! Why not? You sign your fuckin' name to a piece of paper.
I don't like you.
Yeah? Well, i don't like you.
How's that? - You believe this prick? - what do i get, huh? You work for nothing? I don't think so! I say we force- feed him his sombrero.
She wants to go to israel, i send her.
She wants something done to her body, i pay.
I feed her, clothe her, put a roof over her head.
On top of that, i work for her father for 20 years and put up with his abuse.
I should walk away without a nickel? That's it.
Stand up.
We don't care.
Tough fuckin' luck.
Aaah, you fucker! Silvio! Motherfucker.
This guy's a bull.
Paulie, if we don't kill this prick, we should put him to work.
Yaaah- oooh! Time's a- wastin'.
You're lucky i could get out at all with that party tonight.
Shit! Hello.
Tony, sorry to bother you down there.
This thing isn't working out the way we'd hoped with our friend with the funny sideburns.
Don't say no more on the phone-- i'm comin' down.
Shit! I gotta go.
You just gotten here.
Hey, i know.
But i gotta go.
What's that painting mean to you? Nothing.
I just reminds me of david hockey.
You want somethin' to munch on? What, are you fuckin' kidding me? You know, most guys i know would be happy to get rid of their wife.
I tried explainin' the realities here.
This guy's as stubborn as a fuckin' mule.
He says it's principle.
I think we gotta-- you know.
That's why we called you.
I promised the father- in- law i wouldn't.
I didn't know what else to do.
You're a stupid motherfucker.
You know that? I've heard it said.
What, are you proud of it? You kill me, and a dark cloud goes over shlomo's house.
Either way, there'll be no get unless restitution is made.
You really would let me kill you, wouldn't you, you sick fuck? You ever heard of the masada? For two years held their own against 15, 000 roman soldiers.
They chose death before enslavement.
And the romans, where are they now? You're lookin' at'em, asshole.
"Yea, though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i fear no evil, for thou art with me.
" Yeah.
Hold that thought.
Yeah? Hesh.
I'm here with my non- shellfish- eatin' friend, and i'm tapped out.
This guy won't listen to reason.
Didn't i tell ya, huh? Didn't i warn you to keep away from those fanatics? He's leavin' me no options.
This man's willing to go down with the ship.
Well, here's a thought.
Maybe he's willing to go to the world to come, but if he's stuck here on this earth i know one thing that no man wants to go through life without.
What? Oh.
That's a fuckin' brilliant idea.
Make like amohel, huh? Finish his bris.
Yeah.
Paulie, get the bolt cutters from out of the trunk.
Ariel, we're goin' to plan "b.
" The phone has been ringing all morning.
The rotellis, the trillos-- he's got something to do with computers.
They're a wonderful couple.
She invited us to brunch.
Really? Yep.
But it was the food, mainie.
Everybody raved about it.
Cynthia ricci said, "oh, i just love those little rice balls," like she never had arancin' before.
I couldn't have done it without you.
It meant so much just having you here.
It made it so much fun for me.
Mainie, is somethin' wrong? You got somethin' on your mind or somethin'? What could be wrong? Listen, sweetie, i know it may not seem like it right now, but you guys'll get back on your feet again.
Carmela, i'm fine where i am.
I know.
That's not what i meant, i-- carmela, i never wanted to tell you this.
It happened so long ago.
You and tony, you weren't even married.
- It's probably silly for me to even bring it up now.
- What? You were down at the shore with your parents that summer.
You and tony were on the outs.
- He called me.
- He did? One thing led to another, we started dating each other-- carmela, i slept with him.
You slept with t-- with tony? Really, it wasn't for me.
Carmela, what i'm trying to say is, stop worrying about me.
Really.
We both made our choices.
I'm fine with mine.
I'd like you to consider this.
I'm disgusted with you.
Don't try to give me that.
Why'd you page me? This fuckin' guy's tryin' to pull some bullshit, tony.
Hey, zz top.
The guy gave you the get, didn't he? But not because of you.
You threatened him with castration, but it was business that brought him around.
He wanted 50 percent, you wanted 25 percent, so i split the difference.
I gave him 15 percent, he gives my daughter the divorce, and, uh-- it's business.
It worked out.
Walk with me,"shmolo.
" Yes.
Listen, don't worry.
I- i've taken good care of you.
Here.
W- what's that? For your considerable trouble.
As the talmud says-- i don't give a shit what he says.
Now you listen to me.
You wanna give your son- in- law 15 percent of the motel? Go ahead.
It comes out of your end.
Now, we got you your get, you get us our 25 percent.
Got it? My son was right.
Yeah? You're mud, godless clay-- i created a living golem! What the fuck is a golem? It's a monster! Frankenstein! Get the fuck outta here, before i take that asshole son of yours and shove him up your ass! Shut up! Hey.
Hey, how ya doin'? One second.
Got some good news.
We're in the motel business.
How do you like that? Read this.
Maybe they should take my temperature with the other machine.
- Paulie thinks he broke his hand on the guy's head.
- Digital.
- We're threatening to cut his dick off.
- I should call the nurse.
He's mumblin' and prayin', i'm tryin' to get his pants off-- i think they should take my temperature again.
Yeah, yeah, call'em.
Poor jackie.
God has his reasons.
Livia, he looked twice as old as me.
So, what's really on your mind, corrado? This christopher moltisanti.
Christopher.
What about him? Him and his little, uh,"friend," they're slappin' me in the face and they're hiding behind tony.
Well, tony always loved christopher like a son, and so do i, junior.
He put up my storm windows for me one year.
Good.
But what do i do? I just let him and this filone kid piss on me in public? And how far do i go before i light a friggin' match under that hotheaded son of yours? Maybe christopher could use a little talking to.
You know.
The other one, filone i don't know.
You got a lot of sense for an old gal.
No.
I'm a babbling idiot.
That's why my son put me in a nursing home.
He didn't even care i was there.
It was just him and that fuckin' cancer.
It's like he's already gone.
Yes.
Ehh.
Somebody called me a frankenstein today.
Really? This hasid i'm doin' business with.
These hasids, they're out there, but they got their beliefs, you know.
They're not afraid of death.
At least this one guy wasn't.
Maybe they have the belief because they are afraid.
I'm not afraid of death.
Not if it's for somethin'.
You know, a war, somethin' like that.
A reason.
But jackie-- to see this-- this strong, beautiful man just wither away to nothin'.
And you can't do nothin' about it.
And you-- you can't fight it.
Do you envy the hasids and their beliefs? All this shit's for nothin'.
And if all this shit's for nothin', why do i gotta think about it? That's the mystery, isn't it? The mystery of god, or whatever you want to call it, of why we're given the questionable gift of knowing we're gonna die.
Do you feel like frankenstein? A thing lacking humanity, lacking human feelings? Say hello to freddy, all right? You fuck-- listen, you're friends of tony's, right? Listen, meadow wanted the crystal.
If i didn't get it to her, she woulda went down jefferson avenue! Tell tony they woulda beat her! They woulda raped her! I don't wanna die now! I didn't mean it! I am sorry! Listen to me! I was tryin' to save her! Listen to me! You speak english? No, we don't.
Don't shoot me! Don't shoot! Fuck! Hi, jack.
Bye, jack.