The Thick of It s01e03 Episode Script

It seemed like slow motion.
I had time to answer questions.
You looked the most relaxed I've seen.
Yeah, and did you see it when he Olly, did you see him when I said your thing about, in the opposition's case, home is where the heartlessness is? - Yeah.
- He looked almost hurt, I loved it.
- He didn't even get it.
- No, he got it, he flinched, he was hating it.
- He was fiddling with his catheter.
- Yeah.
It was a very satisfactory report stage debate.
- Only three amendments in the committee.
- How many did Doug's piece ofshit get? (Terri) Oh, God, at least 200 or something.
He got fist-fucked in the Lords.
It was more amendment than ill.
- (Terri) Did you say we'd do a press release? - Yes.
"following a successful report stage debate, "Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced, "'I'm the fucking daddy'.
" (Laughter) There was a smarmy piece in the Guardian, though, did you see it? Dan fucking Miller.
"Oh, all the work I've done on the Standing Committee" Yeah, he's My pie is extremely large, you may have noticed.
- (Terri) He's brilliant.
- Pie for all my friends.
Yeah, my Jacuzzi is king-sized, and everybody can park their arses on the bubble jets.
(Terri) Was that from something? Dan Miller is a junior minister and he's not done at all badly, he's just a bit green.
You're turning a bit green yourself there, Minister.
What are you saying? Are you saying I'm jealous of Dan - No, it's just a little - Do you know the invisible line? - You just stepped over it.
Yeah, yeah.
- That's the problem with it being invisible.
- Again - I have just been invited to a - (Knock at door) (Glenn) Just a moment (Olly) Danny boy! (Terri) How lovely.
(Olly) Man of the hour.
- I've been - That is gorgeous.
Shake your little hand.
- Lovely to see you.
- Mm! - Well done, you did so bloody well.
- Thank you.
- You're looking well.
- It was fantastic.
Could you do GMTV for me tomorrow? - I would love to do GMTV for you.
- Great.
- Dan - Thank you.
- Nice and early.
- I don't mind.
- Thanks, that's fantastic.
- How you feeling, good? Well the debate did go very, very well and the ill is going through, so - Um, I've got some stuff l need to - Fine, fine.
Carry on.
- I have been invited - How are you, Glenn? Good, thank you.
Actually, you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers.
- There's no need for it in this day and age.
- Listen, Glenn.
You know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs.
- And that's all I was doing.
- (Phone) - Hello Malcolm.
- (Loudly Dan.
How you doing.
? (Dan) How are you, you terrier.
? Listen, I'm just calling because, erm You're gathering a lot of very influential admirers.
Oh, am I really? You're irresistible, you know that, don't you? You are.
I have a sort of feeling you're pulling my pisser.
I wouldn't pull your pisser, pal, I know where it's fucking been.
(Dan laughs) oh, hang on, listen I've got to go, I've got Tom on the other line.
OK, but, er, we'll talk soon.
Thanks for the DVDs, by the way.
Oh, hey, listen, Malcolm, before you go, can you Did you get bumped for someone more important? - He's always doing that.
- I've got to go.
- I've got squash with Pete from the Treasury.
- (All) Ooh! - Pete from the Treasury? - He cut us a fair bit of slack, - so I offered a game to smooth things over.
- Good luck.
- I've got an appointment myself.
- Cool.
Yes, it's just supper with the Prime Minister.
Just the two of us, it should be fun.
- Oh, that's very impressive.
- No it isn't, it's just what we do, it's normal.
Well, enjoy that, anyway, so - Can you phone me about GMTV later? - (Terri) Yes.
See you.
Well done.
- Thanks.
Thank you.
- Well done.
- Well done you, well done everyone.
- Ye-bye.
(Terri) Fantastic.
I'm not complacent, Tom.
Yeah I know we did take a hit over the focus group thing, but it wasn't a big hit.
Oh, yeah? Says who? Oh the Prime Minister told you that, huh? Well, get you.
Look I can only cook with what I've been given.
You know, it's like Ready Steady Cook.
You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash.
But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well, then I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops, do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, OK, OK, bye.
Sam? Can you get me Terri Coverley and Glenn Cullen, make them an appointment to come over? I think I've got to shout at some people now.
Oh, actually, get me John at Culture on the phone.
Think I'll have a bit of a shout now.
- Is this tie all right? - It's fine.
- I don't want to come across as some sort of - Sales rep.
- What, do I look like a bloody sales rep? - No, no, no, no, it's fine.
What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they? I don't know what they are, actually, I think they're unidentified amusing creatures.
I hate this, being called in for a bollocking from Tucker, just cause he's been twatted by the PM.
All he'll do is spread us all over the office a bit and then we'll be off.
Yes, and we've got every reason to be very happy bunnies.
Day three of the report stage and it's all gone like a dream.
A good dream, not one of those ones where you can't move your legs.
- Absolutely.
Now - Are you sure about this tie? It's good, it's funny.
- Funny? Fucking hell.
- Terri - This is political breakthrough.
- No - I don't want laughs off my clothes.
- Not funny ha ha - Maybe I should go without the tie.
- It's not a laugh, it's fine.
Fuck yes, wish me luck, I'm going to go without the tie.
- Right.
- I meant to ask you, did you stay in the flat last night? Yeah, for about a minute and a half.
Kate rang and Alicia had an ear infection.
It's obviously a life and death situation, an infected ear.
Huge crisis.
Hold the front page, shuttle disaster.
So I had to drive 20 miles through the night, so that I could be ten feet away from Alicia's ear, which, it turns out, wasn't infected anyway.
And Malcolm's been on at me about the flat, he thinks there could be some problems with the Housing Bill.
You having a flat in Notting Hill and living within commuting distance? It is empty quite a lot of the time, and with the key worker stuff But, I mean, I need I need to have a place in London.
Everybody else important has got a huge fuck-off grace and favour pad.
Why haven't I got one? I think I can sort this out for you if you leave it to me.
You know, we do what we said, yes? - The sale, but not a sale.
- Yeah, right, whatever.
Well, er, I'll see you later then, we're off this way.
- OK.
- Enjoy your supper.
- Enjoy your bollocking.
- (Laughs) For God's sake, I'm not going to kiss him.
- Evening, Minister, if you'd step this way.
- Thank you.
Excuses, excuses, take your failure like a man, Olly.
All right, but next time I want a rematch and I'm going to take you down, motherfucker.
- I'm gonna take you down.
- Where are you from? Lincolnshire, with all the windmills and the potatoes and the shit.
(Glenn) Are they (Hugh) An item? You need me to suck up to you, as a politician.
He's made a pretty good job of, erm made a pretty good job of shagging Angela Heaney.
- He could be bi.
- A lot of them are, you know.
It's just interesting, seeing the dynamics play within the staff.
- There we are, look.
- He's a cheeky - (Hugh) He's seen us.
- See you - I'm going back into the office.
- (Dan) The minister's ducking.
He's actually ducked.
So what time does this Daily Mail hack get here? - Ten minutes.
It's Angela Heaney.
- So she left the Standard? - That's right.
- Go on, ask me some questions.
OK, I'll be Angela and ask you some questions My God, that's uncanny.
Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.
Is it true that although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.
Right, erm That you'll find a lot ofdifficulty in the real world On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people.
Ordinary people, but ordinary people who deserve a bit of the extraordinary in their lives.
(Laughs) Perfect, that's brilliant.
- It's a piece of piss.
- There you are, you see.
Go on ask me something hard.
Where's the Nazi gold, you donkey shagger? I'm very pleased you asked that, Angela, because let me just say that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good (Dan) I'm not gonna - Oh, hello.
- You've showered off, have you? - Good morning.
Showered off, yes.
- Yes, thanks, Glenn.
- Have you been playing - An early morning game of squash, yeah.
Very good, I love Squash is a fabulous game.
- Do you play? - A lot of luck - I don't any more, I used to play - What, club level? - Yeah.
- Were you on a ladder? No.
- Anyway - Time for us to go and meet Angela now.
Thanks.
I hope she doesn't bounce me off the walls.
Anyway, great to have talked to you guys, and - Did you know Angela was in the building? - Er, yes.
Will she be jealous? Hi, Tom.
What can we do for you? Well, I didn't know what he was doing with his flat.
I told him, that fucking flat.
Well, they're not running with this? No, well, I know he's got an interview now with, erm Angela Heaney, you know, that twat bubble from the Standard.
Fuck, she's just gone to the Mail.
I'm onto it.
I wish you'd ask me a bit more about the Bill because it is an extraordinary triumph.
- I am asking you about the Bill.
- Good, good.
Specifically about the empty house management orders.
How do they square with the fact that you have a second empty property - that you won't sell? - It's not technically empty.
I would have stayed there recently, but my daughter was seriously ill.
- I've spoken to an Asian - She's seven.
I've spoken to an Asian family who say they've put in four separate offers on your flat, had them all rejected with no explanation.
Right, OK.
Get out of the way.
- Is it because they're Asian? - No.
No, God, no.
- Where the fuck is he? - (Olly) The goldfish bowl.
Fuck! No, no, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that that gives me the opportunity to Sorry I Er just mucking about.
Erm I have always maintained very clearly Hi, Angela.
Sorry, can I just borrow the minister for one moment? Sure.
Sorry, be right back with you.
(Inaudible shouting) (Inaudible shouting) - You're a fucking prick! - Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? - No, I'm fine thanks.
- Um, would you like some tea? - Nope, nope.
- .
.
the fuck - No biscuits or anything? - No.
- Do let me know if you need anything else.
- I will.
Thanks very much.
Get back in there and wrap this bullshit up.
Ah.
Hah! - Bit of a disagreement.
- Blimey.
Yeah.
Erm could you I'm just curious, could you hear? Ecause we were actually We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good friends.
Right.
- You haven't accepted any offers? - No! - Jesus.
- That wasn't the point.
The whole deal was, we put the flat on the market so if the press ask, we say, "Fuck off, he's selling it," they go away and Hugh has a place in town.
Why is your girlfriend hitting us with this? - She's not my girlfriend, so I've no idea.
- You won't mind if l kill her, then, will you? It'd solve a lot of issues for me.
Hey, hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping it.
Ifl could talk that sour-faced bitch into anything, I would have had a better four months.
- I'll just have to kill the both of you then.
- Yeah, well.
That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, which masks a lot of negative feelings about this fucking department.
- (Phone) - Oh, Jesus.
Tom Davies.
Tom? Hello, how are you? Yes.
No, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her.
What is happening? What the hell was that? That was supposed to be a nice interview.
- What on Earth did you say to her? - I think I denied being a racist.
I hope so.
You didn't say you have lots of black friends Of course not.
Well, I haven't got any.
- What did you say about the offers? - I said I wasn't someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers.
Hugh? Did you mention me by name? Erm, possibly I don't think I may, in between denying racism, possibly have, yes.
Thank you, thank you very much, thanks a fucking bunch.
- OK.
- OK, so what's the line on this then? - I don't know, what is the line on this? - Jesus! - I don't know, don't look at me.
- We need a line on this.
- OK, we got movement, we got a break.
- What? What? What? - The flat's sold.
- What? To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price.
- But it's OK.
- What is it? - Malcolm? - Yeah? - We're too late.
- What? All the papers have got it, the Express has been making offers on it, - at the asking price and also 30,000 more, - Jesus.
- Haven't been accepted.
- We've got to stall.
This is madness, I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody.
- Yeah.
They're calling the scandal Flatgate.
- Scandal? That's crap.
It's a crap name for a scandal.
They should call it Notting Hill Gate-gate.
Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? Are you joking? Are you joking, now? - On my way to stall.
- Yeah, get stalling.
Ohh.
Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.
That is an option, isn't it? - It's a flat.
- It is a second home.
In a borough with thousands of homeless people, which you have kept empty for ages.
Have you not read your own Housing Bill? I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family.
Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks.
Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is burying the whole thing.
Well, what do you want me to do? Resign? No, no, no, that is I'm not going over this.
- The way out of this is for you to - This is madness, this desire for perfection.
I am not perfect, I am just a person, right, I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump.
So what's next? Do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? "Minister In Disgusting Defecation Outburst?" Molly Sugden at Number Ten.
"Enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?" They should just clone ministers, so we're born at 55 with no past and no flats and no genitals.
Just a world of robots in a sort of It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, you'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed aluminium Dan Miller cyberprick.
It is possible to have a good resignation, you know? A good resignation? Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're going to sell this to me.
Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early, you know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes, before they get to sitting round in pubs saying "That fucker's got to go.
" You surprise them.
"Blimey, he's gone, I didn't expect that.
"Resigned? You don't see that much any more.
"Old school, respect, I rather liked the guy, he was hounded out by the fucking press.
" How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah? It's probably going to be it's going to be Hugh that has to go this time.
Yeah.
(Laughs) Yeah, it is, it's very sad, very sad.
OK, Tom, yes, indeed, yes, indeed.
Er, two minutes.
Two minutes.
That's Tom, he's finishing with the prime minister.
I'm going to go and join him.
- You might as well stay here.
- Yeah.
- I'll try and make it quick.
- Sure it wouldn't help if l went in? No, no, I mean we're going to be talking about you.
- It would be awkward, yes? - Yeah.
Of course.
- Very awkward.
- Yup.
You just relax, help yourself to a paper or something.
It'll be fine in the end, we'll just get another doomed middle-aged man in on Monday morning, come through the door, stride about a bit, spunk off, and I'll have to mop up the mess.
It'll be business as usual.
The whole heat could come out of this situation if l went.
It's not come to any kind of resignation yet, surely? Do you know what pisses me off After 37 years, without a moment's thought, he's prepared to drop me right in it.
He just panicked.
If anyone's going to resign, I should.
No, no, that's decent of you, but I'll go.
You should stay, you know, any fucker can sit at the end ofa corridor behind a pot plant.
Ut you're the man who stands behind his desk making sure the pen works.
So maybe you should go? Yeah.
- Now, hang on.
- Yeah, you've convinced me.
- I think it would be better.
- No, I'm just saying, in the scheme of things.
- I'm not saying I should go.
- You just said you should.
- I'm talking academically.
- You said That wasn't academic talk.
- It absolutely was academic.
- It wasn't.
- I'll write it down - That's real virtual talk.
- I'm having an academic discussion.
- No.
I'm having a real discussion with you.
- We can reset for a real discussion - Resign now, and I'll put the letter on Hugh's desk.
Well I could very easily say the same thing.
I - I'm not doing that.
- Why the fuck not? Hugh's my friend.
I won't do that for him.
I'll stay and stand behind him.
I'm just the counter man in McDonald's.
You're the clown running the shop.
You're the one who they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
- What does that make me? - Ronald McDonald.
Well, fuck off.
- I'm not going, mate.
- No, neither am I.
So, what did the PM say? There's going to be an inquiry.
(Sighs) Oh, yes, oh, yes.
- Thank you, you're a fucking star.
- No problem.
Sam.
Yeah, of course.
Hugh, Hugh.
It's the Prime Minister.
Could you Whoo! (Sighs) - Mmm.
- Hello.
Oh! Hello.
- Is everything all right, Minister? - Mmm.
- These weren't special biscuits, were they? - No, no.
- Good.
- How are you? Well I've been better to be honest, but there's going to be an inquiry so, fingers crossed.
- Right, well we're all rooting for you.
- Oh! Thank you very much.
Can I get you a chair? Would you like to sit down? - Yes, please.
- OK.
- By the biscuits.
- Thank you.
All right? Erm, can I get you some more biscuits or a coffee? - Yes, please.
- OK.
(Phone) - Olly Reeder.
- What? - Put me on the speakerphone.
- It's the minister.
- Thel're going to have an inquiry.
- Where are you? I'm still at Number Ten, they're going to have an inquiry.
- Yes! - Great.
Who are they going to have? I don't know, I don't know whether we get any say in it.
But, I mean, Lord Hibbert's very nice.
I was with him at the FA Cup semifinal last year and we were both trying to make out we had a clue what was going on.
We've talked before about the ideal person to head an inquiry.
It was a tie between Eamonn Holmes and Alan Benett.
(Glenn) I tell you who'd be good, Lord Monckton.
- Lord Monckton? - (Glenn) Yeah.
Oh, Lord Monckton certainly is in the frame here at Number Ten.
- (Glenn) Uh-huh.
? - Yeah.
I'm with the PM's people now.
- Hugh? - Oh, Malcolm's just joined us.
Right Hugh, good news.
The PM's asking the Right Honourable Lord Monckton of Cheshunt to head the inquiry.
- Good, it is Monckton.
- (Glenn) Yes! Hugh! All right, fuck off.
You've got a department to run.
- Thanks, Malcolm.
- Yeah, yeah.
Thanks, yeah.
Look at this one.
"PM Just Can't Kick The Abbot.
" - Dreadful picture.
You look like a sales rep.
- They've Photoshopped that.
Surprising they haven't got anything better to write about after, what? Four, five days now? Until Monckton reports, they're going to stay on this.
They want blood.
- (Phone) - Oh, hang on.
Good morning, Malcolm.
I want you, Terri and Olly over here right now.
Not Hugh, do not bring Hugh to Downing Street.
- Put him on for me for a minute.
- Yes, hang on.
- It's Malcolm.
He wants to speak to you.
- Go on.
Right Hugh, I've seen Monckton's report.
It's not good.
- OK.
- He's talked to that driver you got rid of.
Oh my God.
I never liked him, I told Glenn I didn't liked him.
The driver.
He was a smirky bastard.
He told them he heard you and Glenn talking about putting your flat on the market but not accepting any offers.
In passing, it was just mentioned in passing, just words.
It's not as though we were plotting like Guy Fawkes, concocting our evil master plan to not sell a two-bedroom flat.
I didn't know Glenn had gone ahead.
I'm just tired, Malcolm, is that a crime now? Feeling shattered? That is not going to be the headline, the headline is going to be, you have lied.
Right, look, I want your guys overhere, but not you, understand.
? Not you.
Would it help if l was there? Or will you all be talking about me? We'll all be talking about you.
Right, I'll ring for a cab.
It's quicker than calling one of the cars up.
OK? - (All) OK.
- Right, well let's get going.
- Yeah.
- Ah, Hugh, bye.
- OK.
Yep.
- Yep.
See you later.
- OK.
- Probably, anyway.
(Hugh whistles) Hugh.
I mean, with the other two, it's just another day, isn't it? - I know, I know.
- I want you to know I'm on your side.
You know? I wouldn't - We'll ride again.
- OK.
Department of Social Affairs.
Department of fucking, shocking, shitty, charlatan shits.
That's what Feet off the furniture, you Oxbridge twat.
You're not in a punt now.
Yeah.
Yes! I am king of remembering my own password.
- (Knock at door) - Yep? - Hello, Dan.
- Hi Hugh.
Is Olly about? I need him - No, he's with Tucker.
Well, they all are.
- Is something up? No, they're just talking about A directive came from one of the think-tanks about how the press secretaries should minute meetings with lobbyists and, erm - Right.
- So they're just talking about how fucked I am.
Oh, the report? Yeah.
It's like Monckton sat in front of the word processor and let the righteous anger of the independent judiciary flow out.
It's such a something and nothing issue to get crucified over.
- Isn't it? - It's just a flat.
Precisely, just because I'm not some brushed aluminium cyberprick like, er - Like, er - Like Olly.
Yeah.
But, anyway, - I've missed my ideal resigning point.
- Yes.
With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again.
- Mm.
- If l had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.
The line is that we don't throw a good man out to the wolves over one single little fuck-up.
- So Hugh's staying? - Yeah.
- We tell the wolves to fuck off.
- Not exactly.
- They need a blood sacrifice.
- Indeed they do, they want a head on a plate.
We've got to give them head, is that what you're saying? You're clever aren't you? Very, very clever.
How much does your head weigh? I don't know.
Eight pounds? Maybe more.
- Mm.
- It's not my head.
I've only got half a head.
I'm a half-head.
- One of you's got to decide.
- Jesus Christ.
Which of you will do the decent thing? We've been through this.
Apparently I'm Ronald fucking McDonald.
Hang on, why are you not included in this? Why is it one of us two? If l've got to resign, then you've got to resign.
- "If l've got to resign" - I answer to you on matters ofpolicy.
In which case, he's got to go, because I answer to him.
- So we've all got to go now, eh? - Well, I am going nowhere.
I didn't do anything, I did nothing.
- I am as clean as a whistle.
- Oh, Terri, grow up.
Don't give me that pile of fucking bollocks.
Just because you're a civil servant, don't think your shit doesn't smell.
- I know things about you.
- What? - What do you know? - Yeah, we know things.
- Oh, knob off.
You know bugger all.
- (Terri) What? All you know is how to suck up to the new kid on the block.
- (Camply) "Oooh, what a lovely backhand.
" - Fuck off.
- "Oooh, my stroke is so hard.
" - You're so fucking repressed! - I was just playing squash.
- Glenn, what do you know? - What do you think you know? - I know.
- What is it? - I'm going to go and see Tucker.
- I'm going to resign.
- You don't need to.
- Yeah, I know.
- Then don't, Hugh.
No, I've been thinking, it will be very, very good.
The report isn't out for three days and, er I can leave before it with dignity.
I'll be seen as an honourable man.
I'll be in government in two years with a clean slate and a fresh tie.
And I'll be shot of this fucking department.
It takes four days to get a memo through.
Social Affairs.
What the fuck does that actually mean? It's so vague.
You know, "Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister of, I don't know, stuff.
" Look at these civil servants here.
You wouldn't get these dweebs at the Foreign Office.
This place is packed to the gills with dreck.
No offence.
Well, I accept it.
On behalf of the PM, I accept your resignation.
As you've worked out, it's probably for the best.
- Can I help? - Just going to see Mr Tucker.
- He has someone with him.
- It won't take long, it's quite urgent.
- I'm sorry, you'll have to wait.
- Right.
- (Sighs) - Can I get you a biscuit? No, thank you.
You won't regret this, Dan.
Trust me, you won't.
- Yeah, let's hope not.
- (Laughs) - Hey, you must be gutted.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Hi.
- Dan.
- Oh, you're seeing Malcolm, are you? - Yep.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Susan.
That was fine.
Malcolm, I've made a decision.
Do you know, what I said about memos in the department, I mean, that's sortable, we can just sort it, you know, it's just an admin thing - Don't worry, we understand.
- (Glenn) No one's - Lovely new memo on urban renewal.
- Oh, good.
You see, here's a memo and it's only taken me a day to get to get to me, so things are looking up already.
Dan really did himself some favours there, you know.
Would you like to hear what our leader thinks? This is the PM's reply to his resignation letter.
"You are a dazzlingly bright, talented, committed and honourable new force in British politics.
"I am immensely sorry to lose you, "but I predict you will one day find yourself in very high office indeed.
" Well that's just easy, though.
Resigning's just that's cheap and lazy.
(Glenn) Yeah.
(Terri) He's a little shit anyway, Dan Miller.
- (Olly) I never liked him.
- I never liked him, I never ever liked him.
(Olly) It's really late, let's - Come on, Glenn, time to go home.
- (Glenn) Coming.
(Hugh) I thought Dan was good.
(Olly) See you.
(Terri) Night.
(Glenn) Good night, Hugh.
(Hugh) Oh, God.
(Sighs) Actually, can I stay on your sofa tonight? - Yep.
- Thanks.