The Tick (1994) s01e03 Episode Script
The Tick vs. Dinosaur Neil
[Buzzer.]
[Man scats.]
The morning sun rises to greet him.
And in its low, warm light he stands like some sort of pagan god or deposed tyrant.
Staring out over the city he's sworn to to stare out over.
And it's evident just by looking at him that he's got some pretty heavy things on his mind.
[Alarm beeps.]
[Groaning.]
[Groans.]
[Sighs.]
Patrol.
Morning patrol.
Coffee.
Good morning, Arthur! And a fine morning it is.
I'm up, I'm up.
Morning patrol.
I got it.
No! No patrols today, small friend.
Today is our day off.
We're gonna spend quality time together.
We're going to Dinosaur Grotto.
Look! "Guided tours daily of a working dinosaur dig.
" "Come watch our team of expert scientists dig up real dinosaur bones.
" Dinosaur bones, sleepy sidekick! Fun and educational.
Whatever.
As long as we're back by six and Dot isn't kept waiting.
Ah, yes.
The sister.
That's right.
And she still doesn't approve of my superhero lifestyle.
I only asked her to dinner to show her that I'm still a sane and loving person.
Family values! You're crazy for that sibling! [Laughter.]
Yeah.
So tonight can you just tone it down? Not a problem, gentle avenger.
I will suppress my every urge.
[Laughs nervously.]
[Creepy music.]
[Kid.]
Hey, cool! [Guide.]
As you can plainly see, these giant reptiles ruled Earth for eons.
They weren't very bright [chuckles.]
but they were very, very big! And that concludes this afternoon's tour.
Once again, I'm Dinosaur Neil.
As chief paleontologist here at the grotto I'd like to thank you for coming and remind you that we have T-shirts and other souvenirs in the gift shop.
- Consume! - [Chuckles.]
Eager imps.
It's a pleasure to see superheroes taking such an interest in science.
Wonderful tour, Dinosaur Neil.
I never knew I could learn so much.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
Now, just to retain it! Dinosaur Neil, look! We found a femur.
Hmm, Apatosaurus.
Beautifully preserved.
Just what I need! You boys like science.
Why not come back to my tent? I'll show you the kind of science you can't find in a textbook.
I believe I can grow a dinosaur with the help of these fossils.
I don't know.
That doesn't sound possible.
[Gulps.]
It is.
I saw it in a movie once.
My machine synthesizes living tissues from fossilized DNA patterns.
Hey, smooth! Look here.
I've already grown some dinosaur tissue.
I have to keep it in a solution of acetylsalicylic acid.
Otherwise I'm afraid it would just keep on growing indefinitely.
I figure I'll have a fully functional organism by the middle of next month.
[Gulps.]
[Gasps.]
No! - [Groans.]
- Bad move, Neil.
Well! No harm done.
Too bad you boys have to leave so soon.
If you stuck around you could catch the fireworks and the Parade of Extinction.
Fireworks? Extinction? Keen! We'd like too, Dinosaur Neil, but we have to [gasps.]
Tick! We have to make dinner for Dot.
We're late.
Oh, yeah.
Bye, boys! [Shrieking.]
[Roaring.]
Hands bigger! [Groans.]
Mine smaller! Childproof cap! [growls.]
Lmpossible! [Roars.]
[Chime.]
That's the timer.
The fettuccini's ready.
Sauce is done Here, crush this garlic.
[Laughs.]
Oh, the stink of it! [Doorbell.]
Um she's here! Tick, take off that shirt.
Dot, hi! You remember the Tick, don't you? Yes, I remember the Tick.
Oh, Dot! You look lovely tonight.
Your hair is like a halo of mouse-brown fire.
Whatever did you do with it? I washed it.
[Roaring.]
Are you OK? You look a little big.
[Roars.]
Mm! Well, Arthur, this is delicious.
I'm glad to see you still have time to cook.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, the Tick tossed the salad.
Yes! Quite a challenge.
Dad really messed you up, didn't he? Ega, man, that thing is speaking a language that hasn't been hear on Earth in 4,000 years! Nub! We interrupt The Mummy Speaks to bring you this special report.
Goo evening.
I'm Sally Vacuum.
The authorities have issue a city-wie alert.
Dinosaur Neil, hea paleontologist an tour guie at Dinosaur Grotto, is now 70 feet tall an walking own Main Street.
[Gasps.]
[Sirens.]
[Roars.]
This is Sally Vacuum at the scene of the Dinosaur Neil crisis.
As you can see, Neil is still growing.
We have with us one of the city's superheroes, Die Fledermaus.
Thank you, Sally.
Can you tell us what the superhero community plans to do about this menace? Uh Good question, Sally.
I think we'll just, um sit this one out an wait for the National Guar.
[Fleermaus.]
So, uh when's this gonna be on? [Gasps.]
Must save city! Tick! Tone it down! [Groans.]
Uh, this cake is delicious, Dot.
- What is it? - Chocolate.
Dinosaur Neil! Please exit the city! We have a team of expert scientists ready to give you assistance.
And a big pair of pants! Man, those are big pants! [German accent.]
Those are the largest trousers in the world! Well, I wouldn't say he's rampaging per se.
The National Guard won't come unless a dinosaur's officially rampaging.
[Roaring.]
I think we can confirm that rampage.
[Roaring.]
- I'm sorry, Dot.
- Arthur? Tick, let's go! [Coughs.]
Now you're talking, chum.
To action! Well, don't expect me to do the dishes.
[Tick.]
We've got to cut him off.
Maybe I can talk some sense into him.
Hey, Dinosaur Neil! What are you doin'? Ah.
I see.
[Tick.]
You're rubbing me the wrong way, friend.
Acetylsalicylic acid.
Hmm.
[Grunts.]
[Groans.]
Wait! Wait.
Tick! I have an idea.
[Roars.]
[Yells.]
Tick! I'm trapped.
In the moustache of a titan! To safety, sidekick! [Arthur yells.]
- Arthur? - [Growls.]
[Grunts.]
Arthur, fight that wild hair! Whoa! [Thud.]
[Roars.]
[Grunts.]
Aha! [Sighs.]
Tick! Tick! I think I've got an idea.
[Clears throat.]
Well, mine didn't work.
What's yours? Well, this morning Dinosaur Neil said that he had to keep his dinosaur tissue in a solution of acetylsalicylic acid to keep it from growing.
[Mumbles.]
Tick, acetylsalicylic acid is aspirin! If we can give Neil a dinosaur-sized dose of aspirin he might shrink back to normal.
Well, I'll try anything once.
Let's see now.
We usually recommend two aspirins for an average-sized adult.
Now, how much did you say your friend weighs? Hmm.
About 180 tons.
- And still growing! - Oh.
OK, give us a minute.
So, do you think Dot's mad at you? [Sighs.]
Maybe.
But she has to understand that this is what I want to do with my life.
The National Guard.
Mm-hm.
This could mean the city needs The Human Bullet.
Fire me, boy! [Groans.]
[Pharmacist.]
Here you go.
This ought to cure what ails him.
[Sirens.]
- [Helicopters.]
- Oh, no! Prepare to fire! [Arthur.]
Wait! Sir, wait! We can save him.
All we need is five minutes.
What could you do in five minutes, civilians? Superheroes, sir.
We're going to give him an aspirin.
Hey! - Get back here! - You may not know this, sir, but nearly 2,000 years ago a brew made from white willow leaves was recommended for gout.
Today a remedy based on that same chemical, aspirin, is the most widely used medicine in the world.
But aspirin is strong medicine and should be taken only as directed.
And children should never, ever take aspirin except under the supervision of their parents or licensed physician.
- That's good advice.
- [Growling.]
[Roars.]
Hey, Arthur! How are we going to get Neil to take this pill? I mean, do we have a plan for that? [Growls, snorts.]
Tick! Look out! What? [Roars.]
Tick! [Crunching.]
Looks like your friend's being devoured.
OK, everybody! Ready, aim No! Give the Tick a chance.
He's nigh invulnerable.
He'll be OK.
He's got to be.
[Tick groans.]
[Tick whimpers.]
[Tick sighs.]
You can't chew me away Neil! [yells.]
Gad! Ewgh! Down the hatch, big boy! Ha-ha! [Human Bullet yells.]
[Human Bullet groans.]
I'm OK.
[Belching.]
[Tick grunts.]
Once again, this is Sally Vacuum at the scene of the Dinosaur Neil crisis.
The National Guard has the deranged dinosaur surrounded, but maintains a tense ceasefire.
Apparently one of the city's most prominent superheroes, the Tick, has fed himself to Dinosaur Neil along with an enormous aspirin in a desperate attempt to bring the rampaging reptile under control.
The Tick appears to have been evoure in one of the most selfless an heroic acts this reporter has ever witnesse.
This after a spokesman for the superhero community sai that they woul, quote-unquote, "sit it out an wait for the National Guar.
" This looks kinda bad, doesn't it? Minutes ago I recorded an exclusive interview with the pharmacist who provided the giant aspirin that may be the key to the dinosaur's downfall.
That was quite an aspirin! Oh, I I suppose so.
Was that the largest prescription you've ever filled? Oh, yes.
But I made a huge cough drop once.
And how big was that? Oh, let's see The size of a quarter.
Thank you, Sid the pharmacist.
Bring him to the pants.
Bring him to the pants! Liar, liar! Pants on fire! There is a solemn silence at the Must Go Shopping Plaza as we all wait to see what fate has befallen the Tick.
Tongue-tied! Ah-ha! [Tick groans.]
Ha-ha! Aspirin away! I guess that's about it for the blue guy.
But he went down biting! It can't be! OK, everybody, let's try this again! [Groans.]
Ha-ha! All right! All right! [Roars.]
Ewgh! Tick! You're OK! [Tick chuckles.]
- Ewgh! - To the showers with us! [Neil.]
So, tell me, Tick When you were, you know, in my mouth, fighting my tongue, was that weird for you or anything? Unique, Neil.
Unique.
But all in a day's work for a superhero.
Well, you saved my life.
Oh, don't thank me.
Thank Arthur.
The aspirin was his idea.
Well, Arthur, I have to admit it.
You guys saved Dinosaur Neil and the whole city.
But I'm still not gonna do the dishes.
It feels really good to be human again.
Well, once again, my friend, we find that science is a two-headed beast.
One head is nice.
It gives us aspirin and other modern conveniences.
But the other head of science is bad.
Oh, beware the other head of science, Arthur! It bites! And it can really ruin a good day off.
[Man scats.]
The morning sun rises to greet him.
And in its low, warm light he stands like some sort of pagan god or deposed tyrant.
Staring out over the city he's sworn to to stare out over.
And it's evident just by looking at him that he's got some pretty heavy things on his mind.
[Alarm beeps.]
[Groaning.]
[Groans.]
[Sighs.]
Patrol.
Morning patrol.
Coffee.
Good morning, Arthur! And a fine morning it is.
I'm up, I'm up.
Morning patrol.
I got it.
No! No patrols today, small friend.
Today is our day off.
We're gonna spend quality time together.
We're going to Dinosaur Grotto.
Look! "Guided tours daily of a working dinosaur dig.
" "Come watch our team of expert scientists dig up real dinosaur bones.
" Dinosaur bones, sleepy sidekick! Fun and educational.
Whatever.
As long as we're back by six and Dot isn't kept waiting.
Ah, yes.
The sister.
That's right.
And she still doesn't approve of my superhero lifestyle.
I only asked her to dinner to show her that I'm still a sane and loving person.
Family values! You're crazy for that sibling! [Laughter.]
Yeah.
So tonight can you just tone it down? Not a problem, gentle avenger.
I will suppress my every urge.
[Laughs nervously.]
[Creepy music.]
[Kid.]
Hey, cool! [Guide.]
As you can plainly see, these giant reptiles ruled Earth for eons.
They weren't very bright [chuckles.]
but they were very, very big! And that concludes this afternoon's tour.
Once again, I'm Dinosaur Neil.
As chief paleontologist here at the grotto I'd like to thank you for coming and remind you that we have T-shirts and other souvenirs in the gift shop.
- Consume! - [Chuckles.]
Eager imps.
It's a pleasure to see superheroes taking such an interest in science.
Wonderful tour, Dinosaur Neil.
I never knew I could learn so much.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
Now, just to retain it! Dinosaur Neil, look! We found a femur.
Hmm, Apatosaurus.
Beautifully preserved.
Just what I need! You boys like science.
Why not come back to my tent? I'll show you the kind of science you can't find in a textbook.
I believe I can grow a dinosaur with the help of these fossils.
I don't know.
That doesn't sound possible.
[Gulps.]
It is.
I saw it in a movie once.
My machine synthesizes living tissues from fossilized DNA patterns.
Hey, smooth! Look here.
I've already grown some dinosaur tissue.
I have to keep it in a solution of acetylsalicylic acid.
Otherwise I'm afraid it would just keep on growing indefinitely.
I figure I'll have a fully functional organism by the middle of next month.
[Gulps.]
[Gasps.]
No! - [Groans.]
- Bad move, Neil.
Well! No harm done.
Too bad you boys have to leave so soon.
If you stuck around you could catch the fireworks and the Parade of Extinction.
Fireworks? Extinction? Keen! We'd like too, Dinosaur Neil, but we have to [gasps.]
Tick! We have to make dinner for Dot.
We're late.
Oh, yeah.
Bye, boys! [Shrieking.]
[Roaring.]
Hands bigger! [Groans.]
Mine smaller! Childproof cap! [growls.]
Lmpossible! [Roars.]
[Chime.]
That's the timer.
The fettuccini's ready.
Sauce is done Here, crush this garlic.
[Laughs.]
Oh, the stink of it! [Doorbell.]
Um she's here! Tick, take off that shirt.
Dot, hi! You remember the Tick, don't you? Yes, I remember the Tick.
Oh, Dot! You look lovely tonight.
Your hair is like a halo of mouse-brown fire.
Whatever did you do with it? I washed it.
[Roaring.]
Are you OK? You look a little big.
[Roars.]
Mm! Well, Arthur, this is delicious.
I'm glad to see you still have time to cook.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, the Tick tossed the salad.
Yes! Quite a challenge.
Dad really messed you up, didn't he? Ega, man, that thing is speaking a language that hasn't been hear on Earth in 4,000 years! Nub! We interrupt The Mummy Speaks to bring you this special report.
Goo evening.
I'm Sally Vacuum.
The authorities have issue a city-wie alert.
Dinosaur Neil, hea paleontologist an tour guie at Dinosaur Grotto, is now 70 feet tall an walking own Main Street.
[Gasps.]
[Sirens.]
[Roars.]
This is Sally Vacuum at the scene of the Dinosaur Neil crisis.
As you can see, Neil is still growing.
We have with us one of the city's superheroes, Die Fledermaus.
Thank you, Sally.
Can you tell us what the superhero community plans to do about this menace? Uh Good question, Sally.
I think we'll just, um sit this one out an wait for the National Guar.
[Fleermaus.]
So, uh when's this gonna be on? [Gasps.]
Must save city! Tick! Tone it down! [Groans.]
Uh, this cake is delicious, Dot.
- What is it? - Chocolate.
Dinosaur Neil! Please exit the city! We have a team of expert scientists ready to give you assistance.
And a big pair of pants! Man, those are big pants! [German accent.]
Those are the largest trousers in the world! Well, I wouldn't say he's rampaging per se.
The National Guard won't come unless a dinosaur's officially rampaging.
[Roaring.]
I think we can confirm that rampage.
[Roaring.]
- I'm sorry, Dot.
- Arthur? Tick, let's go! [Coughs.]
Now you're talking, chum.
To action! Well, don't expect me to do the dishes.
[Tick.]
We've got to cut him off.
Maybe I can talk some sense into him.
Hey, Dinosaur Neil! What are you doin'? Ah.
I see.
[Tick.]
You're rubbing me the wrong way, friend.
Acetylsalicylic acid.
Hmm.
[Grunts.]
[Groans.]
Wait! Wait.
Tick! I have an idea.
[Roars.]
[Yells.]
Tick! I'm trapped.
In the moustache of a titan! To safety, sidekick! [Arthur yells.]
- Arthur? - [Growls.]
[Grunts.]
Arthur, fight that wild hair! Whoa! [Thud.]
[Roars.]
[Grunts.]
Aha! [Sighs.]
Tick! Tick! I think I've got an idea.
[Clears throat.]
Well, mine didn't work.
What's yours? Well, this morning Dinosaur Neil said that he had to keep his dinosaur tissue in a solution of acetylsalicylic acid to keep it from growing.
[Mumbles.]
Tick, acetylsalicylic acid is aspirin! If we can give Neil a dinosaur-sized dose of aspirin he might shrink back to normal.
Well, I'll try anything once.
Let's see now.
We usually recommend two aspirins for an average-sized adult.
Now, how much did you say your friend weighs? Hmm.
About 180 tons.
- And still growing! - Oh.
OK, give us a minute.
So, do you think Dot's mad at you? [Sighs.]
Maybe.
But she has to understand that this is what I want to do with my life.
The National Guard.
Mm-hm.
This could mean the city needs The Human Bullet.
Fire me, boy! [Groans.]
[Pharmacist.]
Here you go.
This ought to cure what ails him.
[Sirens.]
- [Helicopters.]
- Oh, no! Prepare to fire! [Arthur.]
Wait! Sir, wait! We can save him.
All we need is five minutes.
What could you do in five minutes, civilians? Superheroes, sir.
We're going to give him an aspirin.
Hey! - Get back here! - You may not know this, sir, but nearly 2,000 years ago a brew made from white willow leaves was recommended for gout.
Today a remedy based on that same chemical, aspirin, is the most widely used medicine in the world.
But aspirin is strong medicine and should be taken only as directed.
And children should never, ever take aspirin except under the supervision of their parents or licensed physician.
- That's good advice.
- [Growling.]
[Roars.]
Hey, Arthur! How are we going to get Neil to take this pill? I mean, do we have a plan for that? [Growls, snorts.]
Tick! Look out! What? [Roars.]
Tick! [Crunching.]
Looks like your friend's being devoured.
OK, everybody! Ready, aim No! Give the Tick a chance.
He's nigh invulnerable.
He'll be OK.
He's got to be.
[Tick groans.]
[Tick whimpers.]
[Tick sighs.]
You can't chew me away Neil! [yells.]
Gad! Ewgh! Down the hatch, big boy! Ha-ha! [Human Bullet yells.]
[Human Bullet groans.]
I'm OK.
[Belching.]
[Tick grunts.]
Once again, this is Sally Vacuum at the scene of the Dinosaur Neil crisis.
The National Guard has the deranged dinosaur surrounded, but maintains a tense ceasefire.
Apparently one of the city's most prominent superheroes, the Tick, has fed himself to Dinosaur Neil along with an enormous aspirin in a desperate attempt to bring the rampaging reptile under control.
The Tick appears to have been evoure in one of the most selfless an heroic acts this reporter has ever witnesse.
This after a spokesman for the superhero community sai that they woul, quote-unquote, "sit it out an wait for the National Guar.
" This looks kinda bad, doesn't it? Minutes ago I recorded an exclusive interview with the pharmacist who provided the giant aspirin that may be the key to the dinosaur's downfall.
That was quite an aspirin! Oh, I I suppose so.
Was that the largest prescription you've ever filled? Oh, yes.
But I made a huge cough drop once.
And how big was that? Oh, let's see The size of a quarter.
Thank you, Sid the pharmacist.
Bring him to the pants.
Bring him to the pants! Liar, liar! Pants on fire! There is a solemn silence at the Must Go Shopping Plaza as we all wait to see what fate has befallen the Tick.
Tongue-tied! Ah-ha! [Tick groans.]
Ha-ha! Aspirin away! I guess that's about it for the blue guy.
But he went down biting! It can't be! OK, everybody, let's try this again! [Groans.]
Ha-ha! All right! All right! [Roars.]
Ewgh! Tick! You're OK! [Tick chuckles.]
- Ewgh! - To the showers with us! [Neil.]
So, tell me, Tick When you were, you know, in my mouth, fighting my tongue, was that weird for you or anything? Unique, Neil.
Unique.
But all in a day's work for a superhero.
Well, you saved my life.
Oh, don't thank me.
Thank Arthur.
The aspirin was his idea.
Well, Arthur, I have to admit it.
You guys saved Dinosaur Neil and the whole city.
But I'm still not gonna do the dishes.
It feels really good to be human again.
Well, once again, my friend, we find that science is a two-headed beast.
One head is nice.
It gives us aspirin and other modern conveniences.
But the other head of science is bad.
Oh, beware the other head of science, Arthur! It bites! And it can really ruin a good day off.