The Tick (2001) s01e03 Episode Script
Couples
Not so runny anymore, are we,
Mr. Takin' stuff?
Aah!
On my way, chum.
You stay put.
Oh.
I gotta work on my landings.
Arthur, look
at your accuracy.
You picked the softest spot
on the roof.
Tick, he's getting away.
Guttersnipe!
Halt now or face the combustible
justice of the Fiery Blaze!
Ooh, combustible justice.
Good one.
And his sidekick
Friendly Fire.
Well, I think that put out
his candle, Friendly.
Oh, my,
a secret handshake.
Lordy, gents.
Your banter is immaculate
and a pleasure to witness.
Hi. I'm Arthur,
and this is my friend the
How you doing?
Fiery Blaze.
Hello.
I am the Tick.
Hot potato!
Hey, sorry.
Friendly Fire.
Hi.
Arthur.
Boy, you two must
practice a lot.
Tell me about it.
I, uh, saw your man
Friday in trouble.
I hope you didn't mind us
stepping in.
No, indeedy.
Good man.
Like I always say,
anyone who is an enemy
of evil is a friend of mine.
Mandingo, how I grok
your mouth music.
Right behind you, brother.
When it comes to battling
villainy's tide of fiends,
I say the more
the merrier.
"Tide of fiends."
Man, you are creeping
me out.
Get off my page.
So, how's the sidekick life
treating you?
Oh, well, I really don't think
of myself as a sidekick, per se.
Look at us, jabbering away when
we all got work to do,
but listen, why don't we get
together sometime
when we're not on duty?
You know, trade war stories,
maybe grab a bite?
Yes, war, bite.
Good.
Great. How about
tomorrow night?
Was somebody
talking to you?
Tomorrow night's
good for us.
It is?
Tomorrow night, then.
Here.
My card.
Zoom.
All right, time to move it out.
Bye, Arthur.
Yeah.
Fire!
Wow, those guys got it
going in spades.
We have to get cards.
TICK: I am the wild blue yonder,
the frontline
in the never-ending battle
between good and not so good.
Together with my stalwart
sidekick Arthur
and the magnanimous help
of some other folks I know,
we form the yin to villainy's
malevolent yang.
Destiny has chosen us.
Wicked men, you face the Tick.
That was fantastic,
quite an impressive display.
Did you see when the Blaze
made that wall of fire?
Who can deny the snazzy
of that?
Are you denying
the snazzy of that?
We got to get our act together,
chum, like Blaze and Fire.
A superhero and a sidekick
have to be a well-oiled machine.
Why'd you put all that
Tabasco sauce on it, then?
Pretty.
Yeah, I'd say you guys are
pretty well-oiled.
What?
Yes, as far as
a dynamic duo goes,
you two seem to have your
act together
Too together, even.
What does that mean?
What?
You know, the way you two are,
the way you bicker,
the way you eat off each others'
plates, the way you
Finish each
others' sentences.
You guys are like a
Couple of crime-stopping
buddies joined
at the hip like a pair
of Siamese winners.
You can't deny that you don't
envy the camaraderie,
the esprit de corps
that we two share.
It's impossible.
Truly, I feel for you.
What, are you saying
there's something wrong
with working alone?
Oh, heavens, no.
Lots of people
work alone
Lonely people,
for example.
Ha, ha, ha.
No offense, boys,
but I find
the arrangement
a little stifling.
Yeah, amen to that.
Well, maybe that's
because there's only room
in your lives
for yourselves.
Bull's-eye.
Bull's-eye.
Manuel, we're not lonely,
are we?
We? No.
No, no, no, no.
We're too attractive
to be lonely.
Yeah, but we are alone.
I'm not alone.
Spinsters and shut-ins,
tollbooth attendants:
These are alone people.
Batmanuel is lone,
as in Lone Ranger
or lone wolf.
But alone is
an unfortunate predicament.
Lone is an aesthetic choice.
Right.
You don't sound convinced.
No, I'm convinced, definitely.
I'm down with lone.
I'm lone.
Good night.
I am the Man of La Mancha.
My dream is impossible.
Tick, you are not going to
dinner tonight with that beard.
La Mancha.
La Mancha.
La Mancha.
I wish you had asked me before
you said we'd go out
with Blaze and Fire.
I mean, we don't
know these guys.
It's going to be,
you know, awkward.
Oh, fiddle-faddle.
Arthur, you need to be
in the company of folks
who know
your strokes.
Now, an evening with Fiery Blaze
and his cohort will make you
appreciate the joys of duodom.
Yeah.
Oh, would you look
at this?
How many times have I told you
about the toothpaste?
I know what
toothpaste is.
When you leave the cap off
the toothpaste,
the toothpaste gets
hard and you can't get it out.
Doesn't do that for me.
That's because when
you get the toothpaste,
I've already cleaned it
and put the cap back on.
Oh, good gravy.
We are a well-oiled machine.
May I help you?
Yeah, Randolph.
The little black one
in the window.
Oh, the chow
Beautiful breed.
They were once used
as palace guards
for the emperors of China
Great. How much is he?
Well, it's a she
and her name is Lilith.
Ecch. That's got to change.
How much?
Well, I suggest you spend some
time with Lilith in the back,
make sure you like her
personality,
and then we can talk price.
Personality?
He's a dog.
He sits, he rolls over,
he plays dead. How much?
Well, I don't think I'm going
to be able to help you, ma'am.
Why don't you go rent
a videotape or something
instead of ruining
some poor puppy's life
with your single-woman-
Hormone-clock-is-ticking
impulse-buying nonsense?
Just sell me the damn dog.
She's not for sale,
not to you.
What you need is a singles'
chat room, ma'am,
not some living creature.
Good day.
So I bust in, and there's
Friendly Fire, blindfolded,
tied to a chair,
dynamite all over him,
shivering like
a wet cat.
Ha, ha! I tell you,
that was a Kodak moment.
Stirring tale.
It reminds me
of the time that
Look at this, will you?
What kind of movies do you
two like? I like everything.
Hey, they're showing all three
Back to the Future movies
back to back at the Odeon.
What do you say?
Oh, well, we Tick?
Oh, let's go see
back to the back, back.
Yeah, I don't know.
If I see more than one movie
in a row, I get a headache.
Well, we could
bring some aspirin.
Oh, way to cling, Fire.
Good and needy.
All I'm saying
is that
Take it from a veteran,
Bunny-man.
All he's saying is,
"Like me, or I'll
swallow a bottle of pills."
Hey, honey!
Could we get a
little action over here?
You know what?
I'm going to go find the
Bathroom. Great.
I'll come with.
Huh?
Oh, well
Right.
Sidekicks, huh?
Whoo.
Look, I don't want
to pry,
but does Blaze always
treat you like that?
Like what?
So, uh
What does Arthur do?
He flies once in a while.
Mostly, he yells,
it's like when I leave the cap
off the toothpaste.
Whoa there.
Hey, that's no good
for you, man.
You're the superhero.
You got to keep your head clear
to wage war against the wicked.
Sidekick's supposed to put
the cap back on the toothpaste.
Well, I heard that.
Hey, you're the star player
on this team.
He's supposed to take care of
all the little stuff:
Bills, laundry, sending out
Christmas cards.
Go tell it on the mountain.
Dude, I'm on the mountain.
FIRE:
My God, it's true.
He has no respect
for my rights, my feelings.
But he doesn't literally
kick you, right?
Only during fight practice,
although he does seem to be
practicing an awful lot.
Is that a bad thing?
Yes.
You're smart, Arthur.
What should I do?
Well, um
Batmanuel.
I'm 29 years old,
it's a Friday night,
and I am all alone.
Uh, yeah,
I'm kind of busy here.
No, come on, talk to me.
For God's sake, I rented
Sleepless in Seattle tonight.
That is bad.
I know.
I even tried
to buy a dog today.
You tried?
Yeah, it's a long story.
Never mind.
Okay, fine.
Can I go now, then?
No, no. Come on, talk to me.
I'm vulnerable over here.
Vulnerable, huh?
Well, uh, what are you wearing?
My uniform,
of course. Why?
No, your Liberty panties
What color are they tonight?
Do you always have
to hide behind sex?
I can't help it.
It's just so big.
Hello?
I'll tell you what,
that Blaze fella
is cool for cats.
What?
Tick, didn't you see the way
he was treating Friendly Fire?
I saw the way he stuck
his finger in your coffee
and brought it back
to piping hot.
Are you expecting
someone?
I'm always
expecting someone, Arthur.
Now. Are you
expecting someone now?
I don't think so, no.
I took your advice,
Arthur. I quit.
I took a stand.
I said, "You can kiss my ash,"
and I walked right out of there.
Oh.
I thought you were just
going to talk this thing out.
There's no talking
to the Fiery Blaze.
You know, I left in such
a hurry, I didn't think to bring
any money
for a hotel or anything.
Oh, well, there's a motel right
up the street from here.
I'm sure we could lend you a
couple of
You could stay here.
Tick!
Could I speak to you
in the other room?
Of course, chum.
You buck up, 'cause you're
staying here with us tonight.
Off to the other room,
then.
Forget it.
Forgotten!
Okay, okay, now remember,
the dog is a gift
for your girlfriend.
No, make it your wife.
That sounds more stable.
Oh, oh, oh, better yet,
make it your kid.
Okay, my kid. Okay, yes, yes,
now, which one is it?
It's the little black
furry one in the window.
Oh, the chow.
You sure you want the chow?
Because purebreds
are very high-strung.
Will you just go get him?
Go. I'll be right here.
Go, go, go.
Voila.
No, unh-unh. This is not
the one that I said.
Yes, well, Randolph said that
chows aren't good with children.
He was very adamant.
Hey!
Ciao.
All right, heel.
Heel.
Damn it, heel.
Excuse me, ma'am.
What?
What is that for?
You failed to clean up after
your dog back there.
What, are you kidding me?
We have a pooper scooper law
in this city, ma'am.
You actually expect me
to pick up a dog's crap?
Have a nice day, ma'am.
That's sick! That's how you
spread the plague!
Oh, God.
It's been nearly an hour.
What the hell is he doing
in there? I gotta take a shower.
Oh, and that song
is driving me crazy.
On this we agree, chum.
He never lets it stop.
It's seeping
through the walls.
It's even making
the tap water taste funky.
He was only supposed
to stay here for a night.
That was three days ago.
You gotta get rid of him, Tick.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's no good
for me.
I need to keep
my head clear
to wage my war
against the wicked.
Dealing with Friendly Fire
That's definitely a job
for the sidekick.
You know what? I'm getting sick
of hearing that word Sidekick.
I don't remember ever agreeing
to be a sidekick.
Well, listen,
leading is hard.
Now, I may not know all
the answers,
but I'm the captain
of this ship,
and when
the compass says iceberg,
it's my job
to hire the band.
Tick, I am putting
my foot down.
I'm putting mine down
right on top of it.
Don't you get bossy
with me, fella.
I'm the head cheese, and I say
it's time to go on patrol.
Fine, why don't you just go
patrol yourself, then?
Fine!
Maybe I will.
Oh, my God.
I nearly jumped right
out of my skin.
I thought I heard
Fiery Blaze in here.
He used to say
the same exact things.
Does he always talk
to you like that?
Uh, no.
He never used to,
anyway.
Superheroes. They're all
on the same power trip.
Face it.
The honeymoon is over,
pally.
You get yourself
cleaned up, Arthur.
I've got some friends
I'd like you to meet.
Come on, Arthur.
You're going
to love these guys.
Trust me,
they're just like us.
Fire, I'm not really
in the mood.
Everybody, I would like you
to meet Arthur.
Hi, Arthur.
Hi.
Arthur 'kicks for the Tick.
You may have heard of him.
Oh.
Uh, okay, uh, Arthur,
this is Johnny Republic.
He works
for Uncle Samson.
Hi, Art. Welcome
to our little group.
This is Fish Boy,
lost prince of Atlantis,
sidekick to the Angler,
and over here
we have Kid Caboose.
He works for Runaway Train.
Arthur's having
a few problems with his hero.
So he got me a punch clock
for my birthday.
No!
Yes, so now I have to punch
in every time I go on work,
and punch out
when I go off,
which sucks 'cause he doesn't
even pay me!
Yeah, and he gets to wear body
armor and a helmet,
and I get stuck with this little
flimsy thing right here.
One layer of spandex
In these bright colors, man,
who you think they're going
to shoot at first?
Yeah.
He makes fun of my webs.
Yeah.
You know what?
I, uh, I don't think
I belong here.
I'm sorry, but, frankly,
the Tick is nowhere
near that bad.
He actually
looks out for me.
I'd never stay with a person
who made me go on crazy diets
or threw spears at me
or told my parents
that I'm dead
and then smuggled me
across state lines.
I mean, you people have
deep, deep problems.
The Tick and I, we
We don't.
So, uh, I'm going to go.
Ohh, ho!
Do you see now?
Do you see what I have been
forced to deal with here?
I see you're not a person
who should own a pet, yes.
Ohh!
Ohh.
Uh-huh.
Ah, damn it!
Stay out of mommy's
hand grenades.
Ohh.
Why the hell did you make me get
this damn dog, anyway?
Uh-oh.
Ahem. So, I've got
to get going now.
Unh.
He doesn't know
where to go.
Without his better half,
he is lost without a paddle
in the ocean
of his own notions.
Tick?
Well, call me Ishmael.
Arthur, it's you.
You smell good.
Thanks.
So, how's patrol?
Quiet, mainly.
Nobody seems to be doing
anything wrong tonight.
Yeah? Huh.
That's weird.
Yeah.
So, you know, Tick,
I've been thinking.
We have it pretty good,
you and me.
I think we fill
in each other's weak spots.
You're bulletproof, for example,
and I'm not.
True, and it's
your firm grip on reality
that keeps
our ship on course.
Well, yeah.
I guess you're right.
Guess, nothing.
You're on a first-name basis
with lucidity, little friend.
I have to call it Mr. Lucidity,
and that's no good in a pinch.
I just don't want to turn
into Blaze and Fire, okay?
Heavens, man!
What kind of crazy
Frankenscience
could make that possible?
No, I mean, we don't have
to argue about who's in charge.
Just because other superheroes
boss their sidekicks around
Old hat.
I say we swim up river.
We're the mavericks, chum.
When society says jump,
we say pass the salt.
Ooh, you are hard
to keep up with!
Arthur, I am here
to save you from yourself.
Well, hello, Friendly.
How goes it?
Don't listen to him,
Arthur.
Be strong.
They always come back
talking pretty,
but you can't
trust them.
Hey, whoa, there.
Let's put a lid
on the stink talk, nervy.
Your words can't
hurt anymore, mister.
Arthur and I are going
to be a duo from now on.
Sidekicks, unite!
Yeah, uh, Friendly,
I think you've got
the wrong idea about us.
The Tick and I,
we're a duo.
Yes, and we're more
than a duo, Mr. Cling.
We're a duocracy.
What?
I smell sweaty,
drinky uncle person.
What?
Look out, evildoers,
I'm Fiery Blaze!
Wow. He got a little
less cool.
Come here.
Um
What's its name?
He never named it.
Oh, yeah?
Um
Dog?
Come here, dog.
Oh, who's a good dog?
Who's a good dog?
On the bright side,
at least it can't bark with
a hand grenade in its mouth.
Oh, there you are,
you little nobody.
Enough is enough,
Friendly Fire.
It's time for you to come back
to the Fiery Station.
You've made your little point.
Give me one good reason
why I should go back there.
Because I I
Oh, I'm no good without you.
I-I can't find nothing,
the station is a mess,
I've got no will
to fight crime.
You've got to come back.
You'll have to promise me that
things are going to change,
Blaze.
You promise?
Look at you.
Fell down.
Come on.
Let's get you home.
Arthur, I think we learned
tonight that nobody wears
the pants
in this family,
and that we're all
the better for it.
What say this duocracy
go get a bite to eat?
That is,
if you're okay with it.
Sure.
Ha, ha, ha.
Friendly Fire left a tube
of something in the bathroom.
Might have to get
that back to him.
I'm telling you, Arthur,
that checkout lady was giving
me the hairy eyeball.
Tick, it's called
glaucoma.
She's up
to something nefarious.
She makes $5.25
an hour.
She can't afford
to be nefarious.
Well, you've got to admit he's
much better behaved now.
Yes, well, neutering a dog will
have that effect,
though I must question
your methods.
Batman Liberty!
Catmanuel!
Long time, no see.
Geronimo!
Where'd you get
the platypus?
Mr. Takin' stuff?
Aah!
On my way, chum.
You stay put.
Oh.
I gotta work on my landings.
Arthur, look
at your accuracy.
You picked the softest spot
on the roof.
Tick, he's getting away.
Guttersnipe!
Halt now or face the combustible
justice of the Fiery Blaze!
Ooh, combustible justice.
Good one.
And his sidekick
Friendly Fire.
Well, I think that put out
his candle, Friendly.
Oh, my,
a secret handshake.
Lordy, gents.
Your banter is immaculate
and a pleasure to witness.
Hi. I'm Arthur,
and this is my friend the
How you doing?
Fiery Blaze.
Hello.
I am the Tick.
Hot potato!
Hey, sorry.
Friendly Fire.
Hi.
Arthur.
Boy, you two must
practice a lot.
Tell me about it.
I, uh, saw your man
Friday in trouble.
I hope you didn't mind us
stepping in.
No, indeedy.
Good man.
Like I always say,
anyone who is an enemy
of evil is a friend of mine.
Mandingo, how I grok
your mouth music.
Right behind you, brother.
When it comes to battling
villainy's tide of fiends,
I say the more
the merrier.
"Tide of fiends."
Man, you are creeping
me out.
Get off my page.
So, how's the sidekick life
treating you?
Oh, well, I really don't think
of myself as a sidekick, per se.
Look at us, jabbering away when
we all got work to do,
but listen, why don't we get
together sometime
when we're not on duty?
You know, trade war stories,
maybe grab a bite?
Yes, war, bite.
Good.
Great. How about
tomorrow night?
Was somebody
talking to you?
Tomorrow night's
good for us.
It is?
Tomorrow night, then.
Here.
My card.
Zoom.
All right, time to move it out.
Bye, Arthur.
Yeah.
Fire!
Wow, those guys got it
going in spades.
We have to get cards.
TICK: I am the wild blue yonder,
the frontline
in the never-ending battle
between good and not so good.
Together with my stalwart
sidekick Arthur
and the magnanimous help
of some other folks I know,
we form the yin to villainy's
malevolent yang.
Destiny has chosen us.
Wicked men, you face the Tick.
That was fantastic,
quite an impressive display.
Did you see when the Blaze
made that wall of fire?
Who can deny the snazzy
of that?
Are you denying
the snazzy of that?
We got to get our act together,
chum, like Blaze and Fire.
A superhero and a sidekick
have to be a well-oiled machine.
Why'd you put all that
Tabasco sauce on it, then?
Pretty.
Yeah, I'd say you guys are
pretty well-oiled.
What?
Yes, as far as
a dynamic duo goes,
you two seem to have your
act together
Too together, even.
What does that mean?
What?
You know, the way you two are,
the way you bicker,
the way you eat off each others'
plates, the way you
Finish each
others' sentences.
You guys are like a
Couple of crime-stopping
buddies joined
at the hip like a pair
of Siamese winners.
You can't deny that you don't
envy the camaraderie,
the esprit de corps
that we two share.
It's impossible.
Truly, I feel for you.
What, are you saying
there's something wrong
with working alone?
Oh, heavens, no.
Lots of people
work alone
Lonely people,
for example.
Ha, ha, ha.
No offense, boys,
but I find
the arrangement
a little stifling.
Yeah, amen to that.
Well, maybe that's
because there's only room
in your lives
for yourselves.
Bull's-eye.
Bull's-eye.
Manuel, we're not lonely,
are we?
We? No.
No, no, no, no.
We're too attractive
to be lonely.
Yeah, but we are alone.
I'm not alone.
Spinsters and shut-ins,
tollbooth attendants:
These are alone people.
Batmanuel is lone,
as in Lone Ranger
or lone wolf.
But alone is
an unfortunate predicament.
Lone is an aesthetic choice.
Right.
You don't sound convinced.
No, I'm convinced, definitely.
I'm down with lone.
I'm lone.
Good night.
I am the Man of La Mancha.
My dream is impossible.
Tick, you are not going to
dinner tonight with that beard.
La Mancha.
La Mancha.
La Mancha.
I wish you had asked me before
you said we'd go out
with Blaze and Fire.
I mean, we don't
know these guys.
It's going to be,
you know, awkward.
Oh, fiddle-faddle.
Arthur, you need to be
in the company of folks
who know
your strokes.
Now, an evening with Fiery Blaze
and his cohort will make you
appreciate the joys of duodom.
Yeah.
Oh, would you look
at this?
How many times have I told you
about the toothpaste?
I know what
toothpaste is.
When you leave the cap off
the toothpaste,
the toothpaste gets
hard and you can't get it out.
Doesn't do that for me.
That's because when
you get the toothpaste,
I've already cleaned it
and put the cap back on.
Oh, good gravy.
We are a well-oiled machine.
May I help you?
Yeah, Randolph.
The little black one
in the window.
Oh, the chow
Beautiful breed.
They were once used
as palace guards
for the emperors of China
Great. How much is he?
Well, it's a she
and her name is Lilith.
Ecch. That's got to change.
How much?
Well, I suggest you spend some
time with Lilith in the back,
make sure you like her
personality,
and then we can talk price.
Personality?
He's a dog.
He sits, he rolls over,
he plays dead. How much?
Well, I don't think I'm going
to be able to help you, ma'am.
Why don't you go rent
a videotape or something
instead of ruining
some poor puppy's life
with your single-woman-
Hormone-clock-is-ticking
impulse-buying nonsense?
Just sell me the damn dog.
She's not for sale,
not to you.
What you need is a singles'
chat room, ma'am,
not some living creature.
Good day.
So I bust in, and there's
Friendly Fire, blindfolded,
tied to a chair,
dynamite all over him,
shivering like
a wet cat.
Ha, ha! I tell you,
that was a Kodak moment.
Stirring tale.
It reminds me
of the time that
Look at this, will you?
What kind of movies do you
two like? I like everything.
Hey, they're showing all three
Back to the Future movies
back to back at the Odeon.
What do you say?
Oh, well, we Tick?
Oh, let's go see
back to the back, back.
Yeah, I don't know.
If I see more than one movie
in a row, I get a headache.
Well, we could
bring some aspirin.
Oh, way to cling, Fire.
Good and needy.
All I'm saying
is that
Take it from a veteran,
Bunny-man.
All he's saying is,
"Like me, or I'll
swallow a bottle of pills."
Hey, honey!
Could we get a
little action over here?
You know what?
I'm going to go find the
Bathroom. Great.
I'll come with.
Huh?
Oh, well
Right.
Sidekicks, huh?
Whoo.
Look, I don't want
to pry,
but does Blaze always
treat you like that?
Like what?
So, uh
What does Arthur do?
He flies once in a while.
Mostly, he yells,
it's like when I leave the cap
off the toothpaste.
Whoa there.
Hey, that's no good
for you, man.
You're the superhero.
You got to keep your head clear
to wage war against the wicked.
Sidekick's supposed to put
the cap back on the toothpaste.
Well, I heard that.
Hey, you're the star player
on this team.
He's supposed to take care of
all the little stuff:
Bills, laundry, sending out
Christmas cards.
Go tell it on the mountain.
Dude, I'm on the mountain.
FIRE:
My God, it's true.
He has no respect
for my rights, my feelings.
But he doesn't literally
kick you, right?
Only during fight practice,
although he does seem to be
practicing an awful lot.
Is that a bad thing?
Yes.
You're smart, Arthur.
What should I do?
Well, um
Batmanuel.
I'm 29 years old,
it's a Friday night,
and I am all alone.
Uh, yeah,
I'm kind of busy here.
No, come on, talk to me.
For God's sake, I rented
Sleepless in Seattle tonight.
That is bad.
I know.
I even tried
to buy a dog today.
You tried?
Yeah, it's a long story.
Never mind.
Okay, fine.
Can I go now, then?
No, no. Come on, talk to me.
I'm vulnerable over here.
Vulnerable, huh?
Well, uh, what are you wearing?
My uniform,
of course. Why?
No, your Liberty panties
What color are they tonight?
Do you always have
to hide behind sex?
I can't help it.
It's just so big.
Hello?
I'll tell you what,
that Blaze fella
is cool for cats.
What?
Tick, didn't you see the way
he was treating Friendly Fire?
I saw the way he stuck
his finger in your coffee
and brought it back
to piping hot.
Are you expecting
someone?
I'm always
expecting someone, Arthur.
Now. Are you
expecting someone now?
I don't think so, no.
I took your advice,
Arthur. I quit.
I took a stand.
I said, "You can kiss my ash,"
and I walked right out of there.
Oh.
I thought you were just
going to talk this thing out.
There's no talking
to the Fiery Blaze.
You know, I left in such
a hurry, I didn't think to bring
any money
for a hotel or anything.
Oh, well, there's a motel right
up the street from here.
I'm sure we could lend you a
couple of
You could stay here.
Tick!
Could I speak to you
in the other room?
Of course, chum.
You buck up, 'cause you're
staying here with us tonight.
Off to the other room,
then.
Forget it.
Forgotten!
Okay, okay, now remember,
the dog is a gift
for your girlfriend.
No, make it your wife.
That sounds more stable.
Oh, oh, oh, better yet,
make it your kid.
Okay, my kid. Okay, yes, yes,
now, which one is it?
It's the little black
furry one in the window.
Oh, the chow.
You sure you want the chow?
Because purebreds
are very high-strung.
Will you just go get him?
Go. I'll be right here.
Go, go, go.
Voila.
No, unh-unh. This is not
the one that I said.
Yes, well, Randolph said that
chows aren't good with children.
He was very adamant.
Hey!
Ciao.
All right, heel.
Heel.
Damn it, heel.
Excuse me, ma'am.
What?
What is that for?
You failed to clean up after
your dog back there.
What, are you kidding me?
We have a pooper scooper law
in this city, ma'am.
You actually expect me
to pick up a dog's crap?
Have a nice day, ma'am.
That's sick! That's how you
spread the plague!
Oh, God.
It's been nearly an hour.
What the hell is he doing
in there? I gotta take a shower.
Oh, and that song
is driving me crazy.
On this we agree, chum.
He never lets it stop.
It's seeping
through the walls.
It's even making
the tap water taste funky.
He was only supposed
to stay here for a night.
That was three days ago.
You gotta get rid of him, Tick.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's no good
for me.
I need to keep
my head clear
to wage my war
against the wicked.
Dealing with Friendly Fire
That's definitely a job
for the sidekick.
You know what? I'm getting sick
of hearing that word Sidekick.
I don't remember ever agreeing
to be a sidekick.
Well, listen,
leading is hard.
Now, I may not know all
the answers,
but I'm the captain
of this ship,
and when
the compass says iceberg,
it's my job
to hire the band.
Tick, I am putting
my foot down.
I'm putting mine down
right on top of it.
Don't you get bossy
with me, fella.
I'm the head cheese, and I say
it's time to go on patrol.
Fine, why don't you just go
patrol yourself, then?
Fine!
Maybe I will.
Oh, my God.
I nearly jumped right
out of my skin.
I thought I heard
Fiery Blaze in here.
He used to say
the same exact things.
Does he always talk
to you like that?
Uh, no.
He never used to,
anyway.
Superheroes. They're all
on the same power trip.
Face it.
The honeymoon is over,
pally.
You get yourself
cleaned up, Arthur.
I've got some friends
I'd like you to meet.
Come on, Arthur.
You're going
to love these guys.
Trust me,
they're just like us.
Fire, I'm not really
in the mood.
Everybody, I would like you
to meet Arthur.
Hi, Arthur.
Hi.
Arthur 'kicks for the Tick.
You may have heard of him.
Oh.
Uh, okay, uh, Arthur,
this is Johnny Republic.
He works
for Uncle Samson.
Hi, Art. Welcome
to our little group.
This is Fish Boy,
lost prince of Atlantis,
sidekick to the Angler,
and over here
we have Kid Caboose.
He works for Runaway Train.
Arthur's having
a few problems with his hero.
So he got me a punch clock
for my birthday.
No!
Yes, so now I have to punch
in every time I go on work,
and punch out
when I go off,
which sucks 'cause he doesn't
even pay me!
Yeah, and he gets to wear body
armor and a helmet,
and I get stuck with this little
flimsy thing right here.
One layer of spandex
In these bright colors, man,
who you think they're going
to shoot at first?
Yeah.
He makes fun of my webs.
Yeah.
You know what?
I, uh, I don't think
I belong here.
I'm sorry, but, frankly,
the Tick is nowhere
near that bad.
He actually
looks out for me.
I'd never stay with a person
who made me go on crazy diets
or threw spears at me
or told my parents
that I'm dead
and then smuggled me
across state lines.
I mean, you people have
deep, deep problems.
The Tick and I, we
We don't.
So, uh, I'm going to go.
Ohh, ho!
Do you see now?
Do you see what I have been
forced to deal with here?
I see you're not a person
who should own a pet, yes.
Ohh!
Ohh.
Uh-huh.
Ah, damn it!
Stay out of mommy's
hand grenades.
Ohh.
Why the hell did you make me get
this damn dog, anyway?
Uh-oh.
Ahem. So, I've got
to get going now.
Unh.
He doesn't know
where to go.
Without his better half,
he is lost without a paddle
in the ocean
of his own notions.
Tick?
Well, call me Ishmael.
Arthur, it's you.
You smell good.
Thanks.
So, how's patrol?
Quiet, mainly.
Nobody seems to be doing
anything wrong tonight.
Yeah? Huh.
That's weird.
Yeah.
So, you know, Tick,
I've been thinking.
We have it pretty good,
you and me.
I think we fill
in each other's weak spots.
You're bulletproof, for example,
and I'm not.
True, and it's
your firm grip on reality
that keeps
our ship on course.
Well, yeah.
I guess you're right.
Guess, nothing.
You're on a first-name basis
with lucidity, little friend.
I have to call it Mr. Lucidity,
and that's no good in a pinch.
I just don't want to turn
into Blaze and Fire, okay?
Heavens, man!
What kind of crazy
Frankenscience
could make that possible?
No, I mean, we don't have
to argue about who's in charge.
Just because other superheroes
boss their sidekicks around
Old hat.
I say we swim up river.
We're the mavericks, chum.
When society says jump,
we say pass the salt.
Ooh, you are hard
to keep up with!
Arthur, I am here
to save you from yourself.
Well, hello, Friendly.
How goes it?
Don't listen to him,
Arthur.
Be strong.
They always come back
talking pretty,
but you can't
trust them.
Hey, whoa, there.
Let's put a lid
on the stink talk, nervy.
Your words can't
hurt anymore, mister.
Arthur and I are going
to be a duo from now on.
Sidekicks, unite!
Yeah, uh, Friendly,
I think you've got
the wrong idea about us.
The Tick and I,
we're a duo.
Yes, and we're more
than a duo, Mr. Cling.
We're a duocracy.
What?
I smell sweaty,
drinky uncle person.
What?
Look out, evildoers,
I'm Fiery Blaze!
Wow. He got a little
less cool.
Come here.
Um
What's its name?
He never named it.
Oh, yeah?
Um
Dog?
Come here, dog.
Oh, who's a good dog?
Who's a good dog?
On the bright side,
at least it can't bark with
a hand grenade in its mouth.
Oh, there you are,
you little nobody.
Enough is enough,
Friendly Fire.
It's time for you to come back
to the Fiery Station.
You've made your little point.
Give me one good reason
why I should go back there.
Because I I
Oh, I'm no good without you.
I-I can't find nothing,
the station is a mess,
I've got no will
to fight crime.
You've got to come back.
You'll have to promise me that
things are going to change,
Blaze.
You promise?
Look at you.
Fell down.
Come on.
Let's get you home.
Arthur, I think we learned
tonight that nobody wears
the pants
in this family,
and that we're all
the better for it.
What say this duocracy
go get a bite to eat?
That is,
if you're okay with it.
Sure.
Ha, ha, ha.
Friendly Fire left a tube
of something in the bathroom.
Might have to get
that back to him.
I'm telling you, Arthur,
that checkout lady was giving
me the hairy eyeball.
Tick, it's called
glaucoma.
She's up
to something nefarious.
She makes $5.25
an hour.
She can't afford
to be nefarious.
Well, you've got to admit he's
much better behaved now.
Yes, well, neutering a dog will
have that effect,
though I must question
your methods.
Batman Liberty!
Catmanuel!
Long time, no see.
Geronimo!
Where'd you get
the platypus?