The Unicorn (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

1 His wife's funeral was almost a year ago, and they're still living off the meals people made for them.
- Hey, Wade.
- Hey, Tracy.
This man has no idea - what catnip he is to these women.
- (PHONE CHIMING) DELIA: You are a devoted father.
You were a devoted husband.
You are a unicorn.
You know, that elusive creature that all single women are looking for.
Are you guys saying that all of these women are only into me - 'cause my wife died? - Yup.
You're factory fresh, buddy.
BEN: So nothing happened with Tracy Wilvers? She was so into you.
Yeah, she was a little too into me.
And you got to walk before you can run, right? (LAUGHS) What? No.
You ever see a race? You're standing there, and then you're running.
Be patient, honey.
You'll have your vicarious sex life soon enough.
Aw, thank you so much, sweetie.
Mwah.
Are we waiting on one more? Uh, no, no, 'cause we're five.
We're five Yeah, we're five.
That's fine.
- Some people, right? - Five.
Could you just bring us some waters, please? - Five waters.
- Five waters.
- I'd love five waters.
- (SOFTLY): One, two, three, four, five.
Guys, seriously, you don't have to do this every time.
I know Jill's gone.
It's been over a year now.
- I can handle an empty chair.
- FORREST: Okay, sorry.
- Didn't mean to upset you.
- You didn't upset me.
Oh, the way you said it didn't upset you - kind of made it feel like it did upset you.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm not upset.
So what, uh, what's good here? I think I'm gonna get the sea urchin flight.
- (PHONE VIBRATING) - Oh, that's Grace.
Excuse me.
Wow, he was so upset.
You saw it, too, right? It wasn't just me.
It's been happening a lot lately.
"She's a little too into me.
" What the hell does that even mean? Forrest, we've moved on from Tracy Wilvers, okay? Got it.
Yeah, he was mad.
Slow down, slow down.
I can't really Excuse me.
I can't, I can't hear you.
Now what-what happened? I was Snapping with my friends, and I put my phone down for one minute, and Natalie Snapped "I like poop" to the entire group.
I didn't.
I used the emoji.
It's the same.
And now all my friends will think I like poop.
Uh, well, Grace, if your friends don't like you because you like poop, then-then they're not your-your-your real friends.
Wow.
Thanks.
Whoo! I was full about a half hour ago.
Would you like to take this home? Uh, yeah, sure.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Anybody else notice the server throwing Wade some heat? FORREST: No kidding.
"Would you like to take this home?" WADE: I think she was talking about the eight brussels sprouts and the rib.
- Oh, was she? Really though? - Oh, was she? If that's the case, then why's she coming back for more? Because she has the check.
Right there in her hand.
- I can see it.
- Convenient.
- Thank you.
- Okay, you know, what, Wade? - We got this.
- Yeah.
- I-I can pay.
- No, no, we got it.
Guys, will you Just stop it, all right? I'm not a charity case.
Yes, I am a widower, but I am also a grown man with a wallet.
We're just trying to be nice.
No need to get angry.
I'm not angry, but, come on, guys.
I mean, I can handle an empty chair, and, no, I don't want to date the server.
Uh, you're fantastic, and you're gonna make some guy very happy, or-or a woman.
No judgment there.
Look, the point is I'm not gonna take no for an answer, okay? I'm gonna pay this bill.
I just want to pay it.
Is that okay? Can I pay it? Okay.
- You know what? You pay.
- Okay, great.
That's all I was asking for.
I wanted to pay, so I'm gonna pay.
- It's on Wade.
- Thank you very much.
I appreciate it.
Thank you.
It's on me.
- DELIA: Yeah.
- WADE: Um I-I left my wallet in my other pants.
- Then why don't we get it.
- You know, we got it.
- Yeah, we'll get this one.
- Okay, thank you.
Thanks.
- We will tip a lot.
- Mm-hmm.
I'll get the next one.
(DOG BARKING) - (DOOR OPENS) - WADE: All right.
- There you go.
- Hey, Dad.
Are you good? I heard you freaked out - at the restaurant last night.
- Where'd you hear that? From Natalie, who heard it from Addie, who overheard it from Delia and Forrest.
- At least nobody's talking about it.
- NATALIE: Hey, Dad.
Heard you had a giant meltdown last night.
I didn't have a meltdown.
- What was up with you two? - It wasn't me.
I was just chatting with friends, and then Natalie came over and started doing stupid little kid stuff.
You're the stupid little kid.
Sweet comeback.
Very mature.
(SCOFFS) - Hey, whoa.
- Natalie! Do not throw food - No cereal in the face.
Come on.
- (OVERLAPPING ARGUING) - Hey, Grace! Come on! - (DOG BARKING) Hey, girls! Hey, hey, hey! - Stop it! Eat! - (PHONE VIBRATING) (CHUCKLES) What's shaking, pal? Hey, Forrest.
- FORREST: Hey.
- What's up with the video? Can't you just call? This is more fun.
Could you at least put a put a shirt on? Then what's the point? Anyway, listen, about last night, are you okay? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT) Are you s-sure, uh, you don't want to talk about it? Yeah, I'm-I'm sure.
Okay, you're sure you're sure? (SIGHS): Did did Delia put you up to this? - What?! - Hi, sweetie.
I'm sorry.
I just thought maybe you needed to talk to a friend.
He might have talked to you, too, if you had a shirt on! FORREST: Do my nipples look asymmetrical to you? DELIA: For the 20th time, yes.
I just don't know why he won't let us help him, you know? No, but I'm worried that he's starting to develop - th-this real anger issue.
- Yeah.
I mean, he can't avoid things just 'cause he doesn't want to deal with them.
- I know.
- Duck! - What? - Just duck! - What? What are we doing? - Duck, duck.
Did you just see Caroline Schultz? - I don't know Caroline Schultz.
- Okay.
Her husband, Phil, died.
From Addie's music class - when she was in preschool.
- No.
Phil! Short.
Wore vests all the time.
You can keep describing him.
I did not know the man.
Whatever.
I just don't have time to get in a big, long thing - with her today, you know? - O-Okay, yes.
- Delia? (CHUCKLES) - Huh? Oh.
Oh! Caroline! Oh, my God, hi.
Wow! What a surprise.
(LAUGHS) Anyway, these are the rims that I want.
- On it.
- They're nice.
So, you remember Forrest.
- Oh.
- Hey, so sorry to hear about Phil.
Thank you.
I mean, it was four years ago.
- But still in our hearts.
Yeah.
- Oh.
Well, you look great.
Uh, you having a party? - I hope.
- Uh, no.
Actually, I host a support group to help people cope with life after loss.
Oh, that's so, so great.
I've been thinking a lot about you lately.
- Okay, Forrest, stop talking.
- Okay.
This group, has it helped? Oh, yes.
I mean, it's really put my head on straight to be around people who understand what it's like to lose a partner.
When's your next meeting? Not for me.
He's fine.
Why do I have to be the one to tell him to go to the stupid group? Well, I don't want to be the one to tell him to go to the stupid group.
Can we stop calling it "the stupid group"? This could really help him.
Then you tell him.
I can't tell him because he thinks I'm always hounding him.
- MICHELLE: Because you are.
- DELIA: Well, you are, too.
- So it can't be me, either.
- I say we vote.
Ben.
- Ben! - Ben.
You ain't got no hands, honey.
- (SIGHS) - Yeah.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) Bring it in, girls.
That's game.
Olivia's mom brought, like, 200 doughnuts, so enjoy.
You realize there's only 14 girls, right? (WHOOPS) Good game, girls! Girl, we lost by nine.
That's a lot in soccer, isn't it? Hey, that was nice playing, Nat.
Come on, Dad.
I'm not a stupid little kid.
I know I sucked.
- Hey, hey, hey.
What's going on with you? - Nothing! - (WHISPERS): Ben.
- Ben.
Ben.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) What up, Wade? Hey, so there's this group of people whose spouses died, like yours.
You should go if you want.
FORREST: Oh, come on, man.
I can't believe I wasted a vote on you.
That's not what we want at all.
That was awful.
Wade, we bumped into my friend Caroline.
Phil's widow? I-I swear to God, I don't know either of these people.
Okay, anyway, she's got this really, really fun support group.
It's, like, spouses who have lost their partners, and they all get together and share in their grief.
But, like, fun.
- "Fun"? - FORREST: Fun.
- DELIA: Yeah.
- Look, we're just throwing it out there, okay? No pressure.
Yeah, I-I don't think that's really for me.
- You have to go.
- DELIA: These people have been through what you've been through, and they could help you with this anger problem.
(CHUCKLES): Well, I-I don't have an anger problem, - and I really don't want to go to this group.
- DELIA: Fair enough.
You don't want to go to the group? Don't go to the group.
Okay? But I did get the names of three therapists, and I printed out their Yelp reviews, so if you just want to take a look and tell me which one you want to go with You're not gonna let this go, are you? Okay, fine.
Fine, I'll go to the stupid group.
- Okay? - Okay.
- Great.
- All right.
- Good.
- Going to the stupid group.
Wow, nice work.
You were really prepared.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, are you kidding? - These are takeout menus.
- (GASPS) I'm so terrified of you right now.
Yeah.
It's hot.
Um, hey.
Uh, hey, Caroline.
- CAROLINE: Oh, Wade.
- Hey.
Oh, I'm so glad you got in touch.
Grab a glass of wine.
- Rosé or pinot? - Uh Oh, uh, pinot.
Okay.
WADE: Um A-Are there are there any-any men coming? No, you're it.
(CHUCKLES): Oh.
Really? Yeah.
It's just math.
Women outlive their husbands.
CAROLINE: And the men that outlive their wives get snatched up really quick.
- Ah.
- CYNTHIA: But don't worry.
- This is a safe space.
- CAROLINE: Mm.
No one's gonna hit on you.
Emma.
(MOUTHS) CAROLINE: All right, ladies, say hello to Wade.
WOMEN: Hi, Wade.
Hi.
CAROLINE: Once I gave myself permission to be happy and enjoy life, it allowed me to stop looking at every date like this high stakes thing.
Yes, girl.
I hear you.
The hard part is I have got to stop comparing other men to Phil.
I mean, no one else that I've been with can, you know - measure up to him.
- Mm.
- Uh, Phil was a-a great guy.
- Yeah.
Um, I-I really loved his vests.
CAROLINE: Yeah, I meant no one could measure up.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Uh, really? - Oh.
- Yeah, good for Phil.
Well, you know, it was pretty darn good for me, too.
(WOMEN LAUGH) And no one enjoys that more than me, but if I forget what you look like, - you've been down there too long.
- (WOMEN LAUGH) I mean, what do I do? Give them a laminated map of my pleasure centers? (CHUCKLES) You know the dolphin pose in yoga? Imagine that he's doing that, and you're kind of in a ball.
- (WOMEN GASPING, EXCLAIMING) - EMMA: I got to try that.
(DOGS BARKING) Natalie! Ew! What is that?! - Can't you just leave me alone? - Natalie.
What's gotten into you? - Is my burger ready yet? - (SIGHS) Uh, n-no.
No, not yet.
They look too rare.
Uh, yeah, that-that's because they're-they're not ready yet.
So, how was group? Uh, if-if I'm being honest, - uh, it wasn't really for me.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, that's okay.
You tried.
That's all I could ask.
Yeah.
Um, I'm gonna go get the buns.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay, Noah, can you watch these burgers for me? - Okay, you're up.
Go! Go, go! - (FORREST GRUNTS) So, uh, this widows group thing, huh? Good, great, perfect, what? Weird.
It was all women but me.
And all they did was talk about sex.
I mean, I'm not a prude or anything, but it was a lot.
- Like what? - Yeah, like what specifically? What's happening? - So, the boys went in.
- Mm-hmm.
They're having a little chitchat.
And yoga.
There's this position or pose called the dolphin.
I'm listening.
Go on.
MICHELLE: Look at that.
It looks like - Wade is actually opening up.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Or they're just being jackasses.
(SIGHS) (GRUNTING) Like he's chattering.
(IMITATES DOLPHIN CHATTERING) FORREST: Question: Wouldn't the elbows get in the way? I think that's the point.
(CHUCKLES) I get it.
It's so simple.
It's so obvious.
BEN: Huh.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
So, could you just answer me this? When you were with the group, did you at least bring up your anger issues? I don't have an anger issue.
And even if I did, couldn't really get a lot of words in.
Which one is my burger? I haven't really assigned the burgers.
I have a favorite.
Should I tell you? - Um - Okay, but if you don't open up, then you've completely missed the point.
Oh, they were open enough for all of us.
Yes, but if you didn't talk, then that's the problem.
No, the problem is that you won't leave me alone.
Well, we're kind of worried about you, because you seem angry.
Well, the only reason that I seem angry is because you keep telling me that I'm angry! But I'm not angry! And-and I know that I'm-I'm yelling right now, but, um, I'm not angry.
I'm just I'm being emphatic.
It's okay.
You You-you don't need the group.
I'm-I'm so sorry that I bothered you.
Delia.
Delia, come My favorite one got burnt.
I don't want one with burnt.
WADE: Okay, lunch is in your backpack.
Do not forget your homework today.
And what did I say about video games in the morning? That was for every morning? (SIGHS) There's been a change of plans for tonight.
I kind of snapped at Delia yesterday, so I feel like I owe it to her to give that group of hers one more shot.
So it's just me and Grace tonight? No.
I know you're not getting along with her, so I spoke to Delia, and she said that you can come over and hang out with Addie.
Whatever.
Oh, Natalie, come on.
Will you just talk to me? (SIGHS) Linda, you're a girl.
Will you please go talk to her? (WHIMPERS) What you tried last night (GRUNTS SOFTLY) don't you ever try that again.
It's a thing now! And how would you know that? I don't! Where did you learn that thing you did last night? (CHUCKLES) (QUIETLY): I invented it.
(ESPRESSO MACHINE GURGLING, HISSING) Thank you for having me back.
I-I know I didn't talk a lot the last time I was here, but, uh, the truth is I only came because my friend said that I had anger issues.
And I was hoping that this might help.
Help you do what? Get rid of my anger.
Why would you want to get rid of your anger? You should be angry.
CAROLINE: Wade, your wife died.
I mean, doesn't that piss you off? Well, I-I wouldn't say piss me off.
Come on.
When you're walking down the street and you see a happy couple holding hands, all smiles, you resent that.
You're a good person.
Why do they get to be happy and your wife is gone? Well, I'm not saying that that's never crossed my mind, but those people deserve to be happy.
- (GROANS) - CYNTHIA: And so do you! - So do all of us.
- CAROLINE: Mm.
What happened to us sucks.
The universe is unfair.
And married people insist on trying to make us feel better, like they understand what we're going through.
- And they can't.
- Nope.
- Mm-mm.
- You know what? I am so tired of people saying, "I know how you feel.
" - No, you don't.
- (WOMEN AGREEING) No, you don't! You don't know how I feel! I know how you feel! - Yes, you do.
They don't.
- Exactly.
They go home to their spouses every night.
Screw happy people! - Screw them! - Yes! Screw 'em! - You know what? - Screw 'em.
Screw happy people.
- CAROLINE: That's right! Screw 'em.
- (WOMEN AGREEING) Caroline, can I get some more of this delightful Oregon pinot? Oh, Wade, listen, I don't know about you, but when I'm pissed off, I don't drink wine.
I head straight for the bourbon.
EMMA: Oh.
(LAUGHS) Caroline, I know exactly how you feel.
- (WOMEN WHOOPING) - EMMA: Bourbon! WOMEN (CHANTING): Bourbon! Bourbon! Bourbon! Bourbon! Dad? Are you awake? Hello? Are you okay? Uh, just give me just-just a few more minutes.
We're gonna be late for my game.
No, we're not.
No, we're not.
(GRUNTING) - Dad! - (GRUNTS) We're good! We're good! We're gonna make it! We're gonna make it.
We're gonna make it.
We're gonna make it.
We're gonna make it.
Come on! We're gonna make it.
We're gonna make it.
Piece of cake.
Piece of cake.
(GROANS) - Crap.
- Where is your truck, Dad? I think I Uber'd home.
Dad! I can't believe you! We're gonna miss my game! Uh, no, you're not.
No, you're not.
I'm gonna get an Uber to the field.
All good, all good.
See? Look, uh, there's one that's only ten minutes away.
And it's an Uber Black, which means it costs $60.
But that's okay.
That's all right.
We're gonna ride in style.
- The game is about to start! - The car is coming.
It's Well, now it says that it's 12 minutes away.
But it's coming.
It's coming.
It just looks like it's going in the wrong direction.
Ah, ah, ah, ah! - It's spinning.
It's spinning.
- (GROANS LOUDLY) (EXCITED CHATTER) - Uh - You got this, honey! Thank you.
Shoot, what is it? - Uh, offsides! - (GIRLS GROANING) - GIRL: No! - Offsides.
No? Never mind.
On the side! Sorry about that.
Never mind.
Hey, hey.
Wh-What is offsides? Come on, Forrest! You never paid attention at any of our games? Clearly, I have not.
- Work that side of the field.
- (HORN HONKING) - This one? This is my side? - That half.
Wait.
Oh, Wade's here! (SIGHS) In style.
Natalie, sub in for Olivia.
- Which Olivia? - Any Olivia.
- Grab one.
- Hey, buddy, uh, you think you can finish the game just this once? - Yeah.
Sure.
No problem.
One thing.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- What are the rules of soccer? Never mind.
- I got it.
I got it, I got it.
- Okay.
Wade's got it.
- I got this.
I got it, I got - Come on, girls.
- Run it.
- I got it.
Uh, blue ball! It's out! Out.
Okay.
- BEN: Run the break.
Go, go.
- Ha.
Push it.
Okay, yes.
I'm good, I'm good.
Red ball! Or orange.
Whatever your color is.
(WHISTLE BLOWING) - (GROANING) - (CROWD CHEERING) Yes! You won! All right.
Good game, girls.
Good game.
Apparently, Lauren's mama brought a fro-yo truck! Nothing wrong with orange slices, people! Hey.
Guys, give me a nonjudgmental lift home? I don't think that's happening.
DELIA: Wade, (SIGHS) I thought you were going to the meeting, and, instead, you went out and you got plastered.
Not instead.
In addition to.
I don't understand.
No, you don't.
And that's the point.
I sincerely hope that you guys will never understand.
(SIGHS) Look, when Jill died, I lost my best friend.
And we were supposed to have our whole lives together.
But we're not.
And that's not fair.
And-and it's never gonna be fair.
But what I learned in that group was I don't have an anger problem.
My problem was I was ashamed of my anger.
But you know what? I-I need my anger.
It's what makes me human.
So, here it is.
All of you happily married people all over the entire world, you can kiss my widowed ass! Oh, my God! That felt so good! Ha! That felt so good! - It did? - Yes, I I think I needed to get that out.
You know I love you guys, right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, we're good, right? No hard feelings, right? Yeah, I love you! No, we love you.
- Okay! All right! All right! - Yeah.
(WHOOPS) Fro-yos! Come on! Come on.
Come on.
Beep.
Just give me a beep.
Give me one, give me one beep.
Um (GROANS) Hey, girls, um, listen, I know I'm not the only one that fate dealt a crappy hand to.
You guys got that, too.
So, if you're feeling mad, I want you to let it out.
I mean, I'm feeling pretty mad that you forgot where you parked your truck.
Come on.
I'm serious.
If you're feeling mad, just let it out.
Trust me.
You'll-you'll feel better.
I mean, I guess, when I see my friends with their moms, I feel kind of ripped off.
How do you think I feel? After Mom died, the three of us did everything together.
But now, Dad, you're off doing your own stuff or at one of your stupid groups.
And, all of a sudden, you care what boys think and spend all of your time online with them.
What am I supposed to do? Everything's just messed up, and I hate it! Hey, hey, hey.
Is that what's been going on with you? Natalie, you know I'm always gonna make time to spend with you, no matter how annoying you get.
Idiot.
Shut up.
And you're never gonna lose me.
In a couple years, you're gonna want to try.
But that is never gonna happen.
Does feel pretty good to let it out though, doesn't it? It does.
Yeah.
Come here.
ome here.
- Oh, hey, look.
- Mm.
- It's your truck.
- Oh.
Whoa, that's a long way.
- It's, like, 30 feet, Dad.
- Yeah.
I Let's Uber.
- Less than 30 feet.
No.
- (GROANS) Let's sell it.
This time, I am definitely paying.
Well, whatever keeps you from hulking out on us again, I'm good.
DELIA: Wade is not going to hulk out anymore, because he's happier and he's more self-aware now.
And go ahead.
Because of me.
I did it.
WADE: Yes, you did.
Forrest, thank you so much for filling in for me at soccer the other day.
I know that wasn't your idea of fun.
Water under the bridge.
You're paying though.
- Right? - Uh, yeah, I'm paying.
I'm gonna get the seafood tower - and the steak and the other steak.
- Ooh.
- Whoa.
That's, uh Okay, sure.
- (CHUCKLES) Don't look now.
She's coming back for seconds.
She works here, Ben.
Oh, just five tonight, right? Uh, no, there are six.
And here comes my date right now.
I've decided I'm getting lobster.
Oh, you should get two.
They're small.
You could just get one.
They're also expensive.
Do we want a bottle of wine? - We want two? - One bottle.
No, one bottle.
- What's your most expensive thing? - What-Whatever you want.
(CHATTER CONTINUES)