The Upshaws (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1
You know, Kelvin, with what
I'mma put in this baby,
gonna make it ride smoother than
a baby-oiled Brazilian woman.
Bennie, can you give me
money for some Takis?
Man, get your ass over here
so I can teach you somethin'.
Man, teach me about some generosity.
Fine. I'll send your Xbox
to a hungry African.
Oh, shit. Be cool, okay? I love you.
And if you like life,
don't ask no questions.
All right, all right. Yo, this is fire.
- Who this?
- Hey, Trey.
Oh, this is my son, Kelvin.
He's harmless. His nickname is Radio.
Damn, you lookin' all peaceful
and non-violent this morning.
Morning's young.
It is. It's early.
Bennie, just do the usual, all right?
Make sure the secret compartment
stays a secret. You feel me?
Oh, yeah.
You wanna ask what's
in there, don't you?
No. I am not that inquisitive. No.
Good answer.
That's why I don't take
my shit to Pep Boys.
And remember, no one
touches my car but you.
Okay.
I don't even wanna touch it!
- He gone?
- Come on out.
I sucked it in so he couldn't see me.
I think I pushed my
navel through my back.
- Why y'all so scared of that dude?
- Get your ass off of that car.
A friend of mine stepped on
Trey's foot at the Pacer game.
- Ooh! Ray-Bob
- Hmm.
Two days later, he was down
to a pinkie and a thumb.
- Hmm. What ever happened to Ray-Bob?
- He moved to Hawaii.
- What y'all lookin' at?
- Duck.
He's out of prison,
so why is he eating like
he's still on death row?
It is criminal what they do to
our Black men in the system.
"The system."
Duck been eating like a German
Shepherd before he went in.
Mom, are you gonna make us pancakes?
I did. That platter was for all of us.
I think he chewed his orange juice.
Ain't no pulp in there.
That's your friend.
Nope. I'll eat at school.
Okay, Duck. When you get
done licking the plate,
I need you to go out
there and open the shop.
And no one touches Trey's car.
Yeah, I think this'll hold
me over for a minute.
- Haste makes waste. Let me get this.
- Man. Look, that was
That was for the kids.
So, you're, uh, fixin' Trey's car, huh?
Great. I was stressin'
about my job review,
but now I gotta worry
about being a single mom.
I don't wanna die. I'm using new parts.
Well, that's good.
You know, if this review
goes like I'm hoping,
I could be officially promoted
to Chief Administrator.
Ooh!
They should give you that job.
You been doin' it since
your boss retired.
Since before she retired.
I told you she drank at lunch, right?
Don't judge.
They should give you the job, anyway.
Shoot, they should name
a wing after you.
I can eat some wings.
Oh!
I'm sorry, baby. You know what?
I will make y'all some frozen
waffles. Mmm-hmm.
See, I hid some right behind the
Oh! Damn it, Duck!
Girl, I don't know how
you put up with that.
That's why I brought my own breakfast
Uh-uh! Slow down, sweet cheeks.
You have to ask first.
Auntie, can I have your muffin?
No, baby.
Auntie has a very important doctor's
appointment this morning
and she needs her strength.
I gotta get my disability recertified.
Don't they just sign your form?
That was my old doctor who knew me.
I'm seeing a new doctor today and
they'll put me through the wringer,
bending my leg every which way,
just to try to kick
me off of disability.
Do you think I'm using
this cane just to be cute?
Nobody here has ever
accused you of being cute.
You're still gonna be walking
funny tomorrow, right?
Well, that hurts.
You know what? You mean when you
hungry. Here, take the muffin.
No, she means you're
still coming to speak
at her school tomorrow, right?
The thing where you're supposed to show
that people with challenges
can lead great lives.
Speaking of challenges,
can we start with your face?
Are you gonna mask up?
You know what, Bennie?
You should come, too.
- Why?
- Maya.
'Cause not many men can lead full
lives with they head up they ass.
Well, I'd rather look up my
ass than look down your grill.
And I will beat you
- I'm tired of her. That's your sister.
- Uh-uh. No! No!
Holster it.
Ain't nobody got time for that today.
Baby girl, go on and
get ready for school.
Take your aunt with you, okay?
Don't make her late for her appointment.
- Come on, Maya.
- There you go.
Let's get you ready.
Hmm. And we probably should find a
right shoe to match your left one.
I thought y'all was gonna
get baby girl tested.
Anybody else smell blueberry
muffins up in here?
Run, Maya!
Oh.
Hey, Regina. I was lookin'
around and, uh
I saw you was runnin' low on a
few things, so I made us a list.
Be blessed.
Yes, uh, blessed and highly favored.
Your boy got to go.
Hey, Savannah.
Girl, don't freak out, but you're
blowin' up all over Instagram.
For real? Is it my "Felt cute,
might delete later" post?
No. And you should delete that.
It's this pic of your boyfriend.
Ew! People think Kelvin's my boyfriend?
"Hot. Cute. #OmeletBae"?
That's disgusting. Why would anyone
Oh, damn. Two more likes.
Guess I got me a brother boyfriend.
- Is that that secret compartment?
- Ah! Duck!
You are too big to walk soft, man.
My bad, man. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you.
Man, look at this.
This is pretty clever. Let's open it.
Nah Not.
Just 'cause you found God don't
mean I wanna meet him, Duck.
Oh, come on, man.
You can't be afraid of God.
God knows your good deeds.
Like you and Regina taking me in.
That's what I wanted
to talk to you about that.
You know how checkout time
at a hotel's around noon?
- You kicking me out?
- No, Regina's kicking you out.
She says she just can't relax
with you in the house.
Would it be easier if I holed up in
Maya's playhouse in the backyard?
I built that. I wouldn't.
Oh, hell, look. Just hide out
in the basement, okay?
- Could you do that for me?
- Yeah, I can hide.
You know I can hide, man.
I played Margot in the prison
production of Anne Frank.
I can hide.
- Hey, Tasha.
- We ain't on you right now.
You picked the wrong day to try me.
I'm in the middle of a hair emergency.
I got a bald bitch that want braids.
She won't take "hell no" for an answer.
- What you done did now, Kelvin?
- I
Somebody pulled the fire
alarm at the school.
Then somebody and they thug
friends was not in class.
So somebody and all they
friends got suspended.
I told you, we were all
going to the bathroom.
Boy, lie better.
And you need to stop hangin'
around those future felons.
Ugh!
You the daddy. So I
need you to fix this.
Hold on. Move out of the way.
Yep, I'm gonna borrow
this little hot glue gun.
Little baldy at work might
need this. Little bald bitch.
What the hell's wrong with you?
Always doin' something to make
your mama mad at me.
Oh, look. Trey's car's still here.
Hey, no, don't even try it.
You done got suspended.
You wanna lose some fingers?
How you gonna beg for money
you can't even hold a cup?
Get your little truant ass outta here.
And the back of your head
just look like your mama's.
Ow!
What you tryin' to do, make a wish?
I'm sorry.
These comminuted fractures really
do limit your range of motion.
Uh, no shit.
With injuries like yours,
there are treatments.
Oh, okay. So this is where you're
gonna send me to physical therapy
at the ass-crack of dawn
and then say I didn't get better
because I was too lazy to continue.
Then you'll kick me off disability.
And then how's a lame, middle-aged,
surprisingly good-looking Black
woman gonna get insurance?
Whoa.
No. I'll sign the forms.
Oh. Well, in that case,
I have a purse full of pens.
Oh, okay, yeah. Let's use yours.
Probably more official.
I meant there's been orthopedic
advancements since your accident.
It's possible we could have
you walking around normal.
Really? How?
- It would involve multiple surgeries.
- Multiple?
- First, we would re-break your leg.
- Nope.
Only to get the bones to re-set.
Then we insert a metal rod
Okay, wait a minute.
You really trying to sell me
on putting my outside cane
on the inside?
Pass.
I'm not selling anything.
But you should know it's an option.
So is a bikini wax.
As you may have noticed,
I passed on that, too.
Are you Regina Upshaw?
Depends. You comin' at
me woman-to-woman?
I'm Sheila Morrison. I'm starting
today. I was told to find you.
Oh! Okay. I didn't know
they hired somebody.
Well, it's about time.
I'll train you right after my review.
You ain't hear this from me, but, uh,
I'm about to be the new
Chief Administrator.
Wow, this is awkward.
Um, I'm the new Chief Administrator.
Hey, but don't worry. I'm fun.
My sales team loved me at Old Navy.
You better mean the Old Navy Hospital.
Oh, no, the store.
That's how I know you fold
your sweaters wrong. Creases.
I'mma let that slide
um, 'cause I have a bigger issue.
Um, they hired somebody from retail.
Looks like it, yeah.
I hated to give up that
Old Navy discount,
but I do get my own parking space.
Oh, yeah, that reminds me,
you're in my parking space.
You know this would be easier
if you let Kelvin help us, right?
I'm not asking my real half-brother
to be my fake boyfriend for Instagram.
That's weird.
Now feed me this pizza
and make it look romantic.
Hey, hey hey. What'd you get?
Screwed.
Does "screwed" come
with some Cajun fries?
They hired somebody from
Old Navy to be my boss.
That's some bullshit. Want me to
go down there and kick some ass?
Damn, Duck!
"Damn Duck"? What about
him? Did you talk to him?
He's gone.
That's what you said,
- that's what I did. Come on.
- Good.
'Cause I cannot take his shit tonight.
Come on. Let's go upstairs.
Let's go to bed.
- I wanna put you in that Jacuzzi.
- We don't have a Jacuzzi.
I'mma put you in that tub and
splish some water out of there.
That's really sweet,
but maybe after dinner.
Forget the food!
Listen, we need to sue these people.
They trying to bring
a Black sister down.
They hired a sister.
Get the hell outta here!
I know, right?
Okay, it is what it is. Serve it up.
"Serve it"? Shit.
Serve it up my What?
You got the wrong one
tonight, buddy. What
Damn it. They done forgot
half the damn order.
Now I got to go down and get
somebody fired at the Rib Shack.
I got your text.
Where the hell is Trey's car?
- Uh, Kelvin took it.
- And you let him take it?
I was in the bathroom!
I came out the bathroom and all I
saw were taillights and knuckles.
So Kelvin's out joyriding in Trey's car.
Man, I don't know the boy's
emotional state, he just gone!
So, they took off part of my leg
due to the complications
from a motorcycle accident.
Sorry I'm late, but there
was a van without a placard
parked in the handicapped spot.
Don't worry, I'm having it towed.
Oh, boy. Uh, please tell me none
of you came in a Honda Odyssey.
My bad.
Hey! Hey!
Leave that Odyssey alone! He's cool!
I'll cover it, man.
My bad. That was on me.
You gotta have that
placard visible, though.
Hey, Maya!
Like I was saying,
despite my accident,
I have not slowed down.
My wife and I, we go dancing
and I chase my grandkids
all over the place.
Hey, Dylan!
And, anyway, I am so grateful
for everything I have.
My auntie fell out of a jet.
Well Hold on, baby.
Technically, it was a Jetway.
It was still pretty high.
Hey, you don't have to justify.
I mean, we're a community
and we're in this together.
I mean, uh
I did fall on the oversized
luggage cart.
You know, that's all the
weird, odd-shaped stuff
you can't get into a bin.
You know, like, uh, snowboards,
golf clubs, a tuba.
A Great Dane
A Pack 'n Play.
I changed my mind. Fix my leg.
Davis, if you see Kelvin,
stop him, then call me.
And don't tell anyone.
I need all my fingers.
Hey, Tony's gonna search
this side of the freeway.
I could check the mall.
Yeah, we gotta find him.
Trey will be here at 5:00.
You know them thugs are real punctual.
The old me would have
taken care of Trey for you.
But now I'm saved and
Trey's gonna kill you.
Ain't God funny?
Hilarious.
Hey, man, why are you barefooted?
'Cause Regina was coming
down into the basement
and I had to worm my
way out of the window
before I could put my shoes on.
Oh, by the way, your window's broke.
You need to wiggle your way
in there and put your shoes on
and search the mall, the whole mall,
and not just the food court.
Here.
Bernard, I need your help.
And I needed a father from
the age two to sixteen.
No, come on, man, I need
to borrow your truck.
Kelvin's missing.
- Where's your car?
- I'm still working on it.
You can't fix nothing, can you?
Broken car, broken family.
Just tell me I'm a piece of
shit in the truck. Let's go.
People really like this
one of me and my boo
holding hands in the park.
It's helpful that your hands are
so big and ashy, Savannah.
Uh-oh.
Don't trip. We can always
get you some lotion.
What? No.
People wanna know if you're bringing
your man to the dance Saturday.
Maybe we should just tell the truth.
Or, hear me out, we kill him.
You are not authorized
to touch that package.
I'm authorized to move your ass along.
Come on now. We gotta go find Kelvin.
The route is done.
We gotta hit the park.
No, at the end of my route,
I gotta take this truck
back to the warehouse.
But first, I gotta fill out
an incident report form
for that package you just broke.
Damn it, could you just stop
all the by-the-book shit
for a minute, son?
We in trouble!
Wow.
You called me "son."
You must be in a lot of pain.
And you know what?
That's your ass, "Dad."
Okay. You wanna stay mad?
I feel sorry for you. I'm done.
No, you never even started with me.
What are you talkin' about?
I reached out every way that
I could to fix what I did.
And you wouldn't budge.
Oh, so you think ordering some bullshit
to make me come around is reaching out.
No, a meat thermometer
is not no bullshit.
Don't nobody wanna catch salmonella.
You know what? You ain't got to
worry about me coming around.
And you damn sure don't
have to worry about me
ever asking for nothing again.
You got a phone charger?
My phone down to two percent.
Why are we drinking this cheap-ass wine
when I know you got something
stronger around here?
So we "drinking" drinking now.
Now? You didn't see me
spilling out that Uber?
All right. I can hang.
Uh-uh, wait a minute. What
did you do to Maya's bike?
I'm making a memorial
for my fake boyfriend
that died in a terrible accident.
Well, you have our fake condolences.
I sent flowers.
I had to spend my whole day
training my dumbass boss
so she could boss me.
I told you she dumb, right?
Well, look at me.
I finally decide to get my leg fixed
and Medicare won't pay for it.
They'd rather pay to
keep me on disability
than pay to get me off of it.
I mean, what kind of messed
up medical system
do we have in this country?
Canada's that way, right?
I should quit and join you.
You should.
I can't go to Canada. Maya's got soccer.
I can't hang.
It's a skill.
I was saying you should quit your job.
Now, how am I gonna quit my
job with all these bills, huh?
And I'm not taking any money from you.
And I wasn't gonna give you any money.
I'm saying find something
new, then quit.
That's the best kinda quitting.
Girl, then you get to go in
there and show your ass.
You are right.
I'd love to show my ass.
Give Sheila a nice big look.
How you like this crease?
You heard that, right?
Yeah. Sound like it came
from the basement.
Shh.
- Somebody's down there!
- We the only ones home.
Well, obviously not.
Does that pan shoot bullets?
Then get the hell outta here.
Shit. I need all of 'em.
Kelvin, come on.
I can't run after the bus today.
I got on my good heels.
- Where he at?
- Uh
He ain't here. He went
on some errands for me.
Man, I don't think we're ever
gonna find Kelvin or that car.
Hey, Tash.
Don't trip.
- Kelvin's out in Trey's car.
- Three-Finger Trey?
Oh, Lord. Why are you standing
there? We gotta find him.
We've been looking for him all day.
Oh, Trey gonna mangle my baby.
How will he throw a touchdown
with two fingers?
Damn it! I ain't never
gonna get a house.
Oh, there he is.
- My baby. Thank you. You okay.
- Yeah.
Boy! What the hell was you thinking?
Look, I know, I messed up.
Damn straight. Where's the car?
I drove it over to school
to floss for my boys,
and them thugs took it.
You're right, Mom.
They're not good people.
Oh, man.
Trey'll be pulling up here at 5:00.
I gotta think of an idea. Okay,
I got an idea. Tasha, slap me.
Damn, don't you wanna know why?
Not really.
Come on. We gotta act like
we got robbed. Come on!
That's dumb, nobody gonna believe that.
If you don't wanna die,
let's just trash the place.
Here. Take this wrench over there
and bust that vending machine open.
Tony, get the cash out of the register!
I ain't messin' with Lucretia.
Girl, that's my car!
Ooh! Criminals don't know that.
Where's my car?
We got robbed.
Yeah, they stole my purse.
And I'm just trying to get my
baby boy back down to Alabama.
Excuse us. Me and Étouffée got
a Greyhound to catch. Let's go.
I said, "Where's my car?"
Bennie!
First of all, I'm gonna ask you politely
to take your hands off of my son!
Please, sir.
That car meant a lot to me.
That car didn't mean nothin' to
you, you couldn't even fit in it.
Here. Is this what you want?
Gimme that.
You lucky.
I ain't lucky. Everybody
knew that car was here.
And I had to fight five
people to protect it.
And it was an honor.
But you don't need to
bring your cars here.
It's a shame. You do good work.
Use your instincts. We ain't shit.
Some Black businesses,
you just can't support.
Yeah, whatever.
Oh!
Lord Jesus.
I bring him here so that you
can set a good example for him.
But you dealin' with
shady dudes like Trey?
Kelvin could be dead, Bennie.
We wouldn't be able to recognize him
'cause he wouldn't have fingerprints.
Hey, man. Come here.
We good?
We good. I got your back, man.
We ain't good.
We wouldn't be in this mess
if you weren't trying to impress
those thugs at school.
I'm sorry, Mama.
Come here.
Man, I'm glad Aaliyah doesn't
have this drama at her school.
Then send Kelvin to her school.
What?
I don't wanna go there.
That school's corny.
I'm sorry, carjacker.
You think you have an opinion?
Hmm.
That's cool, man, to have both of
my kids going to the same school.
Aaliyah will show you around,
introduce you to her friends.
She's real popular.
- What y'all doin' out here?
- Somebody's in the basement.
We called the cops.
Y'all done called the cops? That's Duck.
Duck?
Why is he in our basement?
You said he was gone.
Yeah, to the basement.
That's some bullshit.
Don't use your words. Use your pan.
No, I had to hide him out. I didn't
want nothing to happen to him.
I didn't want him in the streets.
Who said anything about
putting him in the street?
I thought that you would
have just given him a cot
down at the garage.
Okay, that's good. You smart.
No, you're just dumb.
Okay, it's a false alarm, but
we glad you guys showed up.
Finally. It took you an hour.
We could have been chopped to pieces.
We just left that.
Please step aside so
we can check the house.
This is the Indianapolis
Police Department.
Whoever's in there, put your hands up
and walk out backwards towards my voice.
Officers, you don't have to do this.
We know this guy.
There's nothing to see here.
Oh, my God!
A strong-ass Milk Dud!
Duck, we said add shoes.
Why are you naked?
The cops said, "Put your hands up."
This is the only way I could show
I'm not concealing nothing.
- Ugh, Duck, put some clothes on.
- Wait, hold on.
Let's make sure he's
not hiding anything.
Have him give us a spin.