The War at Home s01e03 Episode Script

When I was a kid growing up, my father's philosophy was "Do as I say, not as I do.
" Well, when I became a parent, I swore I would do better with my kids So my philosophy is, "Do as I say.
.
not as I hope you don't know I do.
" This books sucks.
You know what I do with books that suck? I wait for them to come out as movies that suck.
Unfortunately, I have to read this.
It's for my stupid book club.
If it's stupid, why do you go? I like to tell people I'm in a book club.
Hey, Mike, honey.
I told my mom you'd spend the day with her on Sunday.
Grandma Betty? I don't want to hang out with her.
She's old, and she smells funny.
Hey, hey, hey.
She's your grandmother, all right? And she won't be around forever.
I know, so I should enjoy her while I can.
I was gonna say you won't have to deal with her much longer, but that's true, too - Hey, Mom.
- Hey, babe.
Hey, Daddy! How was your day? Uh, it was good.
That's nice, Daddy.
"How was your day"? "How was your day"? What the hell is that all about? - What? - Hillary.
- She's being all - Nice? Exactly.
What's wrong with her? Why does something have to be wrong? Maybe she's turned a corner, and those bitchy, self-centered teen years are over.
Yeah, have another glass of wine, Vic.
I say we just enjoy it while it lasts.
No, no.
You think I'm gonna sit around here, and let her be all nice and happy? 'Cause that's not the kind of father I am.
Something must be going on.
Well, she's been going out with Taye for a while.
Maybe she's in love.
Not making me feel better.
- Hey, Daddy.
- Eh, don't "Hi, Daddy" me.
Let's just cut to the chase here.
What are you looking for, huh? New clothes? What, do you want a tattoo? You gonna pierce something? 'Cause I'm gonna tell you right now, as long as you live in this house, the only holes you're gonna have are the ones you were born with.
Come on, just tell me.
What is it? - I don't want anything.
- Really? Are you, uh are you in love with Taye? Dad, you're so silly.
Kenny, you know why I'm not popular? Because you weird and puberty-ish? No, that's why you're not popular.
My problem is that not enough people really know me.
That's about to change, 'cause I got a great plan to raise my profile.
You're not thinking about that bomb thing again, are you? That was a bad joke taken out of context, and I think the school therapist and I covered everything.
Anyway, I'm auditioning for the school play.
Have you ever heard of Annie Get Your Gun? The 1946 Tony Award-winning Broadway musical, with music and lyrics by Irving Berlin that made Ethel Merman a legend? I don't know, it sounds kind of familiar.
Well, I'm trying out for the part of Buffalo Bill.
And I'm gonna get it.
When everyone sees me on that stage, dancing and singing, they're gonna know how cool I am.
I think that's awesome.
But are you sure other people will? I mean, a lot of the guys in the drama department are gay.
Are you? No! And why are you always asking me that? Besides, that's another reason to do it.
It'll totally increase my odds of getting a girlfriend.
I'll be, like, the only guy in the play who isn't gay.
Maybe I should audition.
You know, so I could get a girlfriend, too.
And thenDr.
Greene has the nerve to say it's because I didn't turn in the paperwork properly.
Like he has any idea how to do my job.
Okay, nod your head in an understanding way.
Keep looking at her as if you care about what she's saying.
This will all be over soon.
Hey, maybe it's over already.
I swear, sometimes I'd like to walk right out of that office and never come back I have to forget about work.
You know what I need? A massage.
Come on, sweetie, I-I worked all day.
I don't feel like giving you a back massage.
Well, I was thinking you could start on my back and finish on my front Okay, back's done, flip over.
That was pretty good.
I've really taught him a lot over the years.
That was just what I needed.
You're the best.
Damn, I'm good.
I've always known how to turn her from a raving lunatic, into a sweet pussycat.
Now I know why Hillary's been so nice lately! She's been having sex! Why do you think Hillary's having sex? Think about it.
It totally explains why she's been so happy and easy to get along with lately I told you not to question it.
Don't poke the bear.
Yeah, well, somebody's poking somebody! Relax, I really don't think she's gone all the way.
How do you know? Because I examine her every night when she comes home.
Besides, I always told Hillary that when she was ready to have sex, she should feel open enough to discuss it with me.
Great! That's great.
So you basically gave her cart blanche to do it whenever she wants.
Why don't you just strap a keg onto her back and let her loose in a frat house? Hey.
Hi, Daddy.
- What are you doing? - I'm making your favorite dessert.
Really? Why would you do that? I don't know.
I thought it would be nice.
Nice, huh? You know, you never made me dessert before.
Yeah, well there's a first time for everything.
Not necessarily.
Just because you've never done something doesn't mean you have to start doing it! Everything about it is appealing! Not so appealing.
Come on, you've got to sell it.
Buffalo Bill thrives on his audience Now, one more time.
Everything about it is appealing Everything the traffic will allow Nowhere can you get that happy feeling Okay, okay, okay.
Take five, ladies.
What do you want, Dad? Listen, I need to ask you a question.
What do you, uh know about your sister's relations? You mean like cousins and stuff? No, no, no.
Do you, uh, do you know if your sister is, you know, active? Well, she does do Pilates and plays tennis sometimes.
Why do I even bother with you? Hey, Mike! Listen, I need some information on your sister.
Yeah? What's in it for me? I'm thinking a "Get Out of Grandma" free card.
I'm thinking I won't tell your friends that you cried at the end of Spy Kids II Okay, what do you want to know? What do Hillary and Taye do after school? Before I get home.
They hang out.
In her room? With the door locked? They're not having sex, if that's what you want to know.
No, no, I wasn't asking that! I was just wondering, you know, if How do you know they're not having sex? DadI listen at the door.
I listen when she's on the phone.
I'm always listening.
You know, no one likes a snoop, okay? That's just wrong.
Relax, all right? As far as I know, the only one of her friends who's lost her virginity is Marcy Marcy? You mean the little mousy one who doesn't talk? Yep.
Oh, my God! She's so young.
I can't believe Hey, she's not my kid.
What do I care? Great news, sweetie.
Hillary's still a virgin.
Good to know.
I'll add that to the holiday newsletter.
Man, this thing got me so stressed out.
You know I could really use a massage.
Honey, I worked all day.
I really don't feel like giving you a massage.
No, when I said "massage," I meant.
.
- Yeah, yeah, I know what you meant Vicky! Vicky! What? What? What happened to our stash? Our stash? Since when do we have a stash? - You know - No.
I thought we decided to be more responsible, and you were gonna get rid of the pot.
I am getting rid of it.
Little by little.
- So you still smoke? - Not really.
How long has this been going on? - Not long.
- How often are you doing it? - Not a lot.
And more importantly, why are you doing it without me? Not really.
- You didn't answer my question.
- Not gonna.
So you're sneaking around, smoking without me? What is that all about? If you really want to know, sweetie, You know, it's just, you're not as much fun high as you think you are.
What do you mean? You act kind of annoying.
Annoying? How? How can I put this delicately? I don't know, you just, you never shut up, and you act like a total idiot.
That's ridiculous.
Is it? Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Did you try the sushi? It's from Price Club.
Have you ever had their barbecued chicken? It is beyond tangy.
I wish we had some here now.
I wish it could just fly here You don't know what you're talking about.
When I get high, I am delightful.
I am a joy to be around.
Now I know why Hillary's been so nice and easy to get along with lately! She's been smoking our stash.
- No.
You think? Yeah, and I'll tell you something.
She's not gonna get away with it, ok? I'm not just gonna sit here while my kid uses drugs.
Now what are we supposed to do? Go tell Hillary to stop smoking Daddy's pot? It's true.
Parents that use drugs have kids that use drugs.
So there's an important lesson here.
Don't have kids.
Now remember, we are not our parents - Right.
- We understand.
We're cool.
- Right.
We want her to realize that marijuana is harmful and can lead to harder drugs Right.
And if we could find a way to get the stuff back, you know, that'd be good, too What are you guys talking about? I don't smoke pot.
Yeah, right.
Like every teenager doesn't smoke the weed.
- I don't.
- Oh, please.
Look, I'm not into it, and neither are my friends.
Yeah? What about that Marcy? Huh? From what I hear, she likes everything.
- Where is that coming from? - Don't worry.
I have my sources All right, you guys can believe whatever you want, but I really don't do it.
Come on, Hillary.
We just want you to be honest with us.
I am! I can't believe you guys.
You know what? You're just making this harder on yourself.
- What do you want from me? - The truth, okay? Because we know for a fact that you've been smoking pot.
- But I haven't! - Am I an idiot? I know you stole it from my drawer.
Okay.
Maybe I am an idiot.
What are you doing with pot? Go ahead, Dave, tell her.
Okay.
Okay, look.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, but your grandmother is sick, and it's her medicinal marijuana - Oh, my God.
That's terrible - Yeah.
Wait.
Is it Grandma Betty, or is it Grandma Rosalie? It's Grandma Betty.
But don't tell your grandmother I told you, okay? Because she's a very proud woman, and she doesn't want anyone to know that she's sick.
- So, is it cancer? - No.
I didn't say that.
Well, then what is it? What's wrong with her? Go ahead, Dave, tell her.
It's It's tension headaches.
They don't give you marijuana for tension headaches.
Oh.
What-What, are you a doctor all of a sudden, huh? It-It happens to be tension headaches caused by the glaucoma, ok? But it doesn't matter what it is, because she doesn't want you or anyone else to know about this.
Okay? So, please, Hillary, please, give back the marijuana.
Think of Grandma Betty's pain and suffering.
Come on.
How stupid do you think I am? I know that that was your stuff.
You know, you're not only a liar, you're a hypocrite.
You hear her? I think it's the drugs talking.
For the last time, I swear, I don't smoke pot! If you haven't been getting high, then how come you've been so easy to get along with lately? Because I've been making an effort! I can't believe you guys! You guys don't think that I can be nice unless I'm high? Well, screw you guys.
Aha! There's the Hillary we know and love.
- So, do you believe her? - I don't know.
I have no idea.
She's either a really good kid, or a really good liar.
Hey, you guys.
I'm gonna go ride my bike.
I'll be back later.
Okay, honey.
At least we don't have to worry about that one.
What's up, dude? Look, I need to score some weed.
So, if Hilary didn't take the stash, and it wasn't Mike, then, it must be Larry.
- Larry? You think? - Who else can it be? Hey, great news! I just got the part of Buffalo Bill in Annie Get Your Gun.
Oh, honey! That is so great.
We are so proud of you.
I have to start learning my lines and songs.
Oh, God, how cool is this? So, it definitely wasn't Larry.
Mike! What are you doing here? I thought your mother said I didn't have to see you till Sunday.
I just wanted to see how you were feeling.
Well, don't just stand there like a stranger in the hall.
Come on in.
I'll fix you something to eat.
What-What would you like? Ravioli or lasagna? Oh, no.
No, Grandma, that's okay.
You don't go to any trouble for me, all right? You just take it easy.
- Aren't you sweet! Oh, and this is for you.
Dad wanted you to have it.
I love you, Grandma.
Ophrah is full of crap! The only way she could have finished this book is if it was a piece of cheesecake.
Hey, sweetie.
How's my favorite daughter? Yeah.
Anyways, I'm going to Brenda's house in a little while, and I'm gonna need a ride home - Okay What time do you need to be picked up? I'd say around Okeydokey.
That's what you get for poking the bear.
Look, what I don't understand is, if it wasn't any of the kids, and it wasn't you what the hell happened to it? Dave, honey, is it possible you smoked it all and just forgot? You know, you do tend to get a little spacey.
Hey, team.
- Hey, Dad.
How was the concert - It was awesome.
Where's Mom? Oh, crap.
Well, maybe I did smoke it all.
I mean, it's possible.
I am freaking out.
I still can't believe you're gonna be Buffalo Bill.
I know! My plan is going so well.
Today, Annie Get Your Gun.
Tomorrow, Annie get your panties off.
Hey, Kenny, if I show you something, you promise not to tell anyone? If you show me yours, I'll show you mine.
Uh, yeah, I guess.
Oh, my God, that's marijuana.
Shh.
Blow out, dude.
Larry, haven't you been paying attention in health class? Marijuana is a gateway drug.
Relax, it's not like I'm gonna smoke it.
But I bet some of those hotties in the drama department will want to.
First, they can experiment with this, and then they can experiment with this.
Oh.
So, where did you get it from? I stole it.
From my sister's drawer.
Yes, I'm sure I left it in my drawer.
No, I didn't smoke it all.
I mean, I guess I could have.
It's It's possible.
If Larry doesn't have tension headaches caused by glaucoma, he's in a lot of trouble.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How was your night? Oh, my God.
It was the best book club ever.
Really? Yeah.
We really didn't talk about books that much, but Barbara made the most rocking soft taco.
That would be a great name for a band, "The Soft Tacos.
" Do we have any pudding? Pudding, pudding, pudding, pudding You found my stash, didn't you? It's not your stash.
It's our stash.
Hey! Hey! Oh, you better give it back.
You really flushed it this time, right? Yes, Vicky, I really flushed it this time.
Wow.
I think we did the right thing.
You know, you get to be a certain age, and getting high is justpathetic.
Yeah.
I guess.
Oh, that is great stuff.
It's a lot more fun than a bridge tournament, huh? You are lucky, Betty.
The last thing my son-in-law gave me was a sweater! Oh.
My son-in-law is great.
And you know what else is great? Butterscotch.
So sweet and buttery, but not that scotchy.
Did you know Sean Connery was from Scotland? He was the best Bond.
Oh, I got to deposit my Social Security check.
Oh, I love that song! Oh, come on, Anna, let's dance!