The Warriors (2017) s01e03 Episode Script

1 MAN: Footy expert claims there's nothing warrior about these wooden spoons.
The worst team in the league are crazy to be placing their hopes in ya.
SPINNER: Looking forward to proving 'em wrong.
There's been a lot of attention on you, Maki.
Are you up for it? I think so.
- Where are you going, superstar? - Hoping to get recognised.
Nah.
MAN: You're Scottie Watson.
(GROANS) Stabbed myself in the arse! (ALL CHEER) To the Warriors, boys.
This year, I want to start on a positive note.
So if you want to run around like a bunch of camp dogs, you can piss off out of my club! SPINNER: Leading out, presenting.
(PLAYERS SHOUT, CALL OUT) You wanna be in this team?! Come on! Go! MAKI: Here, here, Scottie! ZANE: Maki, Maki! Maki, Maki, Maki! Oi, Maki! I'm clear! - (GROANS) - Behind.
SPINNER: Oh, come on, Maki.
Pass it next time, mate.
MAN: Hard lines.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Maki! Run it in.
Run it in, mate.
- MAN: He's not happy.
- MAN: Bring it in.
Now, that was a nice run out of the centre, but what should you have done in the end? - Kicked it straighter? - Nuh.
Lower the eyes, huh? There was a bloke clear in the square.
I was calling for it.
You all heard me.
Hey! The way you're kicking today, I can understand why Maki didn't pass it to you, right? - (OTHER PLAYERS CHUCKLE) - Stop laughing! Not kickin' straight, not passing! Do you wanna lose? Do ya?! PLAYERS: No.
Because the way you're training today, we are not winning any games this year.
None! Now, come on! Show us what you've got.
- Move it! - (PLAYERS ENCOURAGE ONE ANOTHER) (BLOWS WHISTLE) What are you giving Maki shit for? - He's the best player out there.
- What are you doing here, Bill? - What, are you coaching now? - No, I'm not.
But as far as I can fucking see, neither are you.
(ROCK MUSIC) All right, quick as you can! Now's your time.
Come on! BOYD: Open it up, boys.
Get back to the position.
Keep the play open.
All right! Stop the scruff! Open it up! No, you know what? I've had enough.
That's it.
That's enough.
That's enough.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) That's it, boys! Hit the showers.
And recovery straight after.
Rother, Neads, here.
You two, my office, okay? Straightaway.
Move it.
Go on.
Let's go, let's go.
Say goodbye, lads.
WOMAN: Inhale.
Reaching up.
Exhale.
Fold in half.
Tabletop.
Inhale.
Fingertips flat back.
Look forward.
Exhale, fold forward.
Plant the hands down.
Step or jump back, plank pose.
You choose-knees or toes.
Inhale.
Baby cobra or upward-facing dog.
Good.
Exhale.
Press back.
Downward-facing dog.
Three breaths.
Inhale.
- Spread the toes.
Spread the fingers.
- (SNORES) Bring the knees down, come to rest.
Child's pose.
Okay, well done, guys.
- Great work.
Really great.
- (CLAPPING) All right, shishyas.
So, let's couple up, yeah? Sorry, Maki-can you find someone else? I've just gotta go to the toilet, yeah? Oh.
You can come with me.
That's it.
Child's pose.
No wonder they're playing like soft-cocks.
What the fuck is going on? It's all about recovery, Bill, okay? Studies have proven that yoga is a great technique to help Fuck studies.
Fuck yoga.
Those boys need hardening up.
When I look over there, I can only see one thing getting hard.
Oh, good one, Bill.
Yeah.
Now bend your partner over.
Grab their hips and pull their buttocks towards you.
Now drape yourself over their buttocks and back and spread your legs apart for support.
Over the head, deep belly breath.
- (SNORING CONTINUES) - (WHISPERS) Sorry.
Guys, uh tomorrow's training is an open session.
We have Bayside Public Primary here, so let's be on our best behaviour.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Okay.
Got it? - PLAYERS: Yes, Deb.
- Hi, hon.
No, no, no.
No, I'll be there.
- I won't be late.
- This is bullshit.
What the fuck's he doing? In my day, we trained hard, we played hard, and we won three flags.
I gotta go.
Please.
Now, Bill, you have already met with the board.
Spinner is trying new training techniques and Spare me the PC bullshit.
Always a charmer, Bill.
Namaste.
(MUTTERS) You are fucking kidding me.
- Where's Doc? - He's gone for a piss.
(CHUCKLES) Making sure that they feel okay as well.
- (SIGHS) - DEB: Doc? - Oh - Oh.
Hey, are you okay with the schoolkids thing tomorrow? I don't wanna worry the boys about it, but it's pretty important that we Yeah.
Yeah, no, I'm pumped.
That's good.
.
.
we make a good impression.
Your nose is bleeding.
- What? - Your nose is bleeding.
Oh.
Um I think it's the humidity in here No! You are fucking high! - (QUIETLY) Christ! - Deb - No, just piss off.
- Deb - I'm Fuck I'm sorry.
- (DOOR SLAMS) Fuck! (SAD PIANO MUSIC) Oh, hey, Rother, Neads.
I know it sucks, guys, but you play well in the reserves, you know, you'll get another look, okay? Yep.
Oi! Bumpkin! Bush Boy! And your sidekick, Pretty Boy.
- Get in the van.
- I'm not a sidekick.
- Just get in the fuckin' van, will ya? - (ZANE AND MAKI LAUGH) SCOTTIE: What are we doing, Mr Shepherd? You ladies have potential, but it's not getting developed in there.
So if you really wanna know how to play this game, get the van.
- Bus trip.
With Mr Shepherd! - ZANE AND MAKI: Yes! - Orangutan, I love Youse.
- Oh, yes! - Hashtag - Hashtag #GetInTheFuckingVan.
What are you two standing there like goalposts for? Get in the van! Phone.
Come on! Yours too.
There's a boy.
There's my boy.
Sit.
Out here, the days are long and the river is dry Just that spot there is where Mikey Angelo shot Phil 'The Cat' Whiskas.
Slight disagreement over a Torana.
What kind of Torana was it? Uh, GTR XU-1.
- That's worth a bullet.
- Uh-huh.
God, will you look at this bloody joint? What a shithole.
The only thing here is the footy club.
But I mean the Warriors? 'Cause let's be honest, kids you're playing like you got no kahoolies.
You got no mongrel.
But lucky for you, I know someone who can find your plums and reattach 'em.
You never understood my fears And I never made them quite clear - Chop.
- Mate.
At the end of the line When I've cried on my lonesome - Don't touch.
- What's going on, Mr Shepherd? - Hey, Meat, you seen the boys? - Yeah.
What? They got a lift with your old man.
I think he took 'em offline.
(LAUGHS) (SIGHS) BILL: This is it.
Welcome to Onion's Ring.
- Didn't think it was real.
- What are you on about? Old-timers, they sometimes talk about a ring.
They call it The Cauldron of Pain.
Never thought I'd get here.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) It's a smoke.
I got the boys here.
(BUZZER SOUNDS) (HEAVY ROCK MUSIC) Find yourself in this struggle Put your hands out like this.
Come on.
What do you think that's for? Red meat.
Iron levels.
No.
That is what you need to play footy.
Heart.
Metaphor.
Guts! - And balls.
- Oh! Why do I get the balls? And that's all there is.
But all I've seen from you guys is just sweet FA.
So today is the day that you're gonna show me what you've got.
If you wanna play like Warriors, then be warriors.
So, who's gonna be the first one, eh? Who's man enough to get inside that ring and stare down fear with their eyes - (DOOR OPENS, SHUTS) - and take on the one, the only - Onion! - Bill! (BOTH CHUCKLE) - (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) - (REPLIES IN SAME LANGUAGE) (LAUGHS) Why is he called Onion, you ask? Because he makes little boys weep and grown men cry.
- (CHUCKLES) - Like an onion.
That's good, Mr Shepherd.
That's pretty funny.
- Fuck me drunk.
- (CHUCKLES) Today, Bill has brought you here to help you get tough.
Tough on the field, tough off the field.
I will teach you my rules for winning.
I will share my secrets to help you take no shit from nobody.
I'm gonna need it with this lot.
Oh, come on.
He's a garden gnome.
What's he gonna teach us? 100 bucks! 100 bucks to go three minutes with the "garden gnome".
Who dares? What about you? Pretty Boy.
I mean what do we have to do? Graeco-Roman wrestling.
Don't worry - it's easy, knuckleheads.
There's no holding below the belt, you can't throw or trip with your legs.
And the first one who's pinned - shoulders to the mat - is out.
And that's it.
So who goes first? Well? Well, come on, you fuckin' dipsticks - this is Onion.
You've got a chance to be in the ring with Onion, make a name for yourselves.
All right, then.
- He volunteers.
- (SCOFFS) What are you? - You're the funny man, eh? - Oh - (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS) We see how much you laugh with Onion.
(QUIETLY) Fuck.
You go change into these.
Upstairs! - What the hell's - Go! Here, Mak.
Hold on to my balls.
You don't have to do this.
Oh, look, I'm a pretty old rookie, yeah? And if Bill Shepherd thinks this can make me a better footy player, then I'm in.
Whatever the fuck this is.
- You got this, man.
- Oh, my God.
ZANE: Go easy on him.
(LAUGHS) (BREAKS WIND) Find yourself in this struggle - ZANE: Go, Scottie.
- You can take this old-timer.
MAKI: Go, Scottie.
Come on.
All right, Mr Onion-I promise I won't hurt ya.
- Focus.
- I'm focussed.
- Focus! - Are you focussed? - Come on, Scottie.
- I'm very focused on you.
Very good footwork, yes.
Ooh, yes.
- You got him.
- You got him, Scottie.
- Ah! - Ooh! - Hey! - Sting a little bit? - What stings? - Come on, come on come on.
Focus! Here we go, here we go.
Have some more, have some more.
Here, here! You very quick for big boy.
- Oh, Scottie.
- (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) - Hey, Scottie.
(LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS) - Good one, Scottie.
- Come on.
- You can take him.
- (YELLS) Got him! - (LAUGHS) - Boys.
- Look at the ruckman reach.
- (ZANE AND MAKI LAUGH) - Push him! - (ONION YELLS) - (CRACK!) - (GROANS) Here's the ruckman reach for you, eh? - Spin your arm round.
- Spin your arm round.
- Oh, that can't be good.
- That's gotta hurt! - Yah! Not so funny now, eh? - Fight back, Scottie.
- Fight back! - (CRUNCH!) - Oh! - Don't give up, Scottie.
- (GROWLS) - (GROANS) Hang tough, brother.
Rule number 1-tough is mental, not physical.
It's pretty fucking physical.
(GROANS) You think so? Eh? Here-snapping, snapping, snapping - SNAP! - OH! (GROWLS) - That's just crazy! - Don't do that! - (WHIMPERS) - Can he do that? Rule number two-anything goes, long as umpire no see.
Didn't see a thing.
- (CHUCKLES) - (GROANS) - Victory.
- You're out.
DOC: Really? Again with this shit, Bill? You gonna argue the toss about every single thing I try and do? Getting injured in here is just dumb.
I mean, these guys are professional athletes.
Wasn't dumb for you.
How many goals you kick the season after I brought you in here? - 100.
- How many? - 100.
- 100.
That's right.
They're Prima Donnas.
They need toughening up, just the same as you did.
In fact, you could do with some remanning.
Maybe you'll be in next.
You wanna go, sunshine? Fuck off, Bill.
I barely made it out of here alive.
I can't let you do it to them.
You told me to take care of them.
Hey, Doc, I appreciate your concern, but you gotta let me do this.
- I can take this guy.
- Trust me, you can't.
(SCOTTIE WHIMPERS, GROANS) (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) Boys! How do I look? - Like a big blueberry.
- (LAUGHTER) ONION: Yeah, Pretty Boy.
The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice.
Show you boys how a real man does it.
DOC: Oh, yeah? Look out, Mamma.
- No going for my tackle.
- I go straight to your tackle.
Hey, Onion, give him a chance bring out your son.
- He got sore knee.
- He's only gonna need one leg.
You think so? Okay.
Okay.
(CHUCKLES) Listen up, Pretty Boy.
This time, different challenge.
You wrestle my baby boy.
500 up for grabs.
- All right.
Who's your baby boy? - Mini Me? - (OTHERS LAUGH) - Roger! Roger? How you going, Roger? (MAKI GROANS) - How's your knee, boy? - Yeah, good, Pa.
No worries.
This must be a mistake, mate.
Are you adopted? Good luck, pal.
Don't get him angry! Am I adopted? I look adopted to you? No.
I mean Like - Don't talk to him.
- Come on! Keep moving.
Your boy's got the shakes, Bill.
I didn't mean it like that.
It could be on your mum's side.
Mum's side? Talking about my mum? You're fucking dead.
MAKI: Get out! Get out! - Protect yourself! - Run! Run! - Ooh! Shit! - SCOTTIE: Oh! - Get out of there! - Oh! Ah, hang in there, kid.
Come on.
(DOC, MAKI AND SCOTTIE CALL OUT INDISTINCTLY) I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.
I didn't mean it.
ROGER: "Didn't mean to"? "Sorry"? You will be! - I'm pinned.
- MAKI: Get up, Zane! Keep dancing.
Keep dancing.
Tried everything.
ALL: Oh! - (GROANS) - MAKI: Shit! Rule number three-it's not the quickest, but the smartest.
(CHUCKLES) - SCOTTIE: Is he breathing? - A little bit.
- Good work, son.
- ROGER: Yeah, cheers, Dad.
So what did you learn? Don't piss off a bigger player? (LAUGHS) Okay, Maki.
Your turn.
Who do you want? Roger or Onion? No.
I'm not going in.
You have to.
The other two did.
I'm already a man traditional way.
Oh, come on.
Don't give me that blackfella-whitefella nonsense.
Just get in the bloody ring.
Come on, mate.
Do what he says.
It's kind of fun when it's over.
No.
I'm not doing it.
Like I said, I'm already a man.
(TUTS) I've been bringing boys in here for 20-odd years.
You're the first one who wouldn't get in the ring.
Well, so be it.
Youse can all get your own fucking way home.
You can thank Maki for that.
But don't worry.
When you get lost, he can black track for you, "traditional way", 'cause he's a big fucking man.
Sorry, Onion.
Modern players.
You don't know.
BILL: You comin', Doc? Nah, I'm sticking with them.
Suit yourself.
All right, boys, come on.
I'm parked out front.
Zane, you, uh might wanna change first, yeah? What the fuck, Mak? (SAD PIANO MUSIC) Oh, you're fucking kidding! - What's up? - My fucking car's gone! Oh, well, who would've thought, eh? In such a quality neighbourhood.
(SIGHS) Oh Yep! Yep, yep.
Phone was in the car too.
That's just that's awesome.
Can I have yours? Your dad took ours.
Course he did.
Gimme a break.
- (BUZZER SOUNDS) - ROGER: Go away.
- Oh, come on.
Don't be like that.
- Can you open up, please? - Bullshit.
I'm outta here.
- Where the hell's he going? - Zane, don't.
- Who the fuck do you think you are? I don't answer to you! Everyone's bending over backwards to help you fit in, - and you spit in our face.
- Calm down, mate.
He's not a part of the team, and you both know that.
Ever since day one.
The way you play, the way you act.
You're a selfish little prick.
Look, I just don't wanna get in the fucking ring, that's all.
It's not about that.
- What is it about? - About being a team! We put on these stupid fucking outfits, get our arses whupped, and we have a story to tell.
But we bond as a team.
I don't care.
You're such a selfish little prick and you can't even see that.
- You wanna go? - DOC: Hey, hey! - Cut it out! - Fucking - He started it! Get out! - I'll fucking finish it.
- Hey, stop! - Let go! Mate, come here.
Can we all just calm the fuck down? Boys, stop! Look, we should we should be like the Beatles.
How are we like the Beatles? Well, like John, Paul, George .
.
Ringo.
I don't wanna be Ringo! - (SIGHS) - You know what I mean, mate.
It's The Beatles? They fight all the time, man.
Couldn't think of anything better.
Where's David Gulpilil going? I don't know.
Towards the city? Yeah, no shit.
We're not going to the city.
Hey! Mak! Hey, okay.
Fair enough-you didn't wanna get in the ring.
- Couldn't see any point.
- Yeah, I get that.
But, you know, Zane had a point too, you know? It was about coming together as a team.
Look I know I'm a drug-fucked arsehole.
Did you really think I wanted to move in with you three? I mean, give me a break.
- Well, I didn't make you.
- Yeah, I know.
But why did I? I did it for the good of the team.
(SIGHS) I know how to play footy.
I know you do.
But I ain't talking about footy.
Hey.
It's this way.
Unless you're walking to Sydney.
All I wanted him to say My dreams could come true Oh, yes, they can DOC: Come on.
Can't let the schoolkids down.
Who's excited? Oh, yes, they can.
(CHILDREN CHEER) SPINNER: Nice one, Scottie! - (CHILDREN CHEER) - Yeah! Jack, here, here! Here, mine.
Here, mine.
- Good.
- ZANE: Maki, Maki, Maki! Maki, I'm open! I'm open! MAKI: Whoo, yeah! What the hell's he doing? Come on! Hey, hey, hey.
Okay.
Let it go, all right? Focus.
Focus.
BILL: Not much of a team player, is he? - Who? - You know who I mean.
Why don't you put 'em on each other? Toughen 'em up.
Well, come in, Spinner.
Maybe you're not such a goose after all.
(CHUCKLES) BOYD: Maki! Maki.
Go to Zane.
Get out there.
I want you to take Zane down, mate.
Come on.
You ready for this? - Wanna watch it.
- Wanna be a big man, huh? (GROANS) (CHEERING) Maybe you're not that selfish.
Your back did come in pretty handy.
- DOC: Zane, Zane, Zane! Yep.
- Oh, stupid prick! (GROANS) Fuck you! That's it.
You're a dead man! (GROWLS) (SCREAMS) Scottie! - (CHEERING) - SCOTTIE: Get off me! - MAN: What are you doing, Scottie? - Huh? They're playing, kids.
No, they're just playing.
Hey, hey, hey.
Get off him.
Get off.
MAN: Come on, Scottie.
Come on! - (SCOTTIE YELLS) - SPINNER: Guys, break it up! DOC: Boys, get out of it! Yeah! Get him! - MAN: Come on! - Whoo! You're on the same team, fellas.
DEB: Kids CHILDREN: (CHANT) Fight, fight, fight! Come on.
You got quite a team here, Coach.
I'm loving the mongrel.
Good work.
BOYD: Come on! Right.
Back to the bus! Fuck, I love this game! You're supposed to be a team! (CHUCKLES) Now we got a chance of winning! Fucking footballers.
What are you looking at? BOYD: Oi, fellas.
Enough! Get up there! MAN: Mostly you were playing like you don't deserve to be here.
You don't win a flag on your own.
You got that, big man? You know you were sent here because of your kicking, mate, yeah? Yeah, I know.
You need to show me something.
I think we bought the wrong Phillips.
Can I just have one day where I don't have to deal with you and your father's crap? WOMAN: Morning! Is this number 3 Johnson? Can I come in? What's going on? There's a beautiful vixen coming down the driveway.
Who is she? You've come down to try out for the women's league.
Yeah.
Pretty there's not one here, though.
I have been trying but thing are a big backwards here.
Thought, "Isn't that the Warriors' ruckman?" And I wondered if maybe you tasted like gingerbread.
Gingerbread? - (GRUNTS) - Ooh, yeah!