The Watch (2020) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Twenty years back,
Vetinari brought
the ancient guilds
out of the shadows
and legalised them.
You want to steal,
join the Thieves' Guild.
Need somebody killed,
go to the Assassins' Guild.
The Watch hasn't fought
real crime for years.
CARCER: Arrest me.
SYBIL: We need a plan.
You're a terrorist.
I suppose I am.
VIMES: Carcer?
Twenty years ago,
did he die?
Sadly not.
VIMES: But I watched him fall.
CARCER:
I'm with a new gang now.
Silent partners.
They just ask that
we burn it down.
(GRUNTS)
CARROT: This is now
a crime scene, Captain.
VIMES: We don't know
what it is.
Find it before Carcer does.
CARROT: Lady Ramkin
wants to help.
I thought I'd check
her records.
I think you should read this.
What happened to you?
(MAN GRUNTS)
(KNIFE SLITS THROAT)
(GASPS)
(GIRL WHIMPERS)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Miss
What are you running from?
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ROARING)
WONSE: Are you ready?
You wanted to watch The Watch.
Mixed a surveillance spell.
CARCER: I'm ready.
WONSE: You haven't answered
any of my questions.
These silent partners of yours?
Tell me about the spell.
You'll see and hear
whatever Vimes sees and hears.
Will he know I'm watching him?
We connect your minds
through a shared memory.
Choose one that's meaningful.
Strong.
CARCER: Got just the thing.
(CARCER YELLS)
(CHANTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(BOTH STRAINING)
How do they rise
How do they rise
(SNORES)
All of the angels
How do they rise ♪
What were you singing?
How long have you
been standing there?
- I can't settle my boy.
- (GOODBOY BREATHES FIRE)
Cheery wants to
learn about dragons.
- She can borrow this one.
- I can't have that in here.
He'll need 18 pounds
of dead snakes and mice a day
or he'll torch
this entire place with you in it.
My report.
Twenty years ago,
the officer who wrote this report
was coming home
after a long watch.
A teenage girl
ran straight up to him.
Both her parents
had just been murdered.
He should have been the one
person to make sense of it all.
MAN: It's all right, Miss.
It's not a murder at all.
SYBIL: But he found a receipt
from the Assassin's Guild
on their bodies.
And calmly informed her
that it was all
- a perfectly legal
- Legal
BOTH:inhumation.
And there was
nothing he could do.
Listen to me.
Assassins don't leave witnesses.
You didn't see anything. Say it.
- I didn't see anything.
- ADULT SYBIL: "I didn't see anything."
I get why you
don't want to join.
Oh, no.
I will join you, Vimes.
But I'm never wearing the badge.
(GOODBOY GROWLS SOFTLY)
SYBIL: "I entrust
Gawain's power to you.
"Place him in Veltrick's hand
and all will be well."
You think Gawain could be
what Carcer needs to control the dragon?
Or what we need to kill it.
What is this Gawain?
Whatever it is,
it's most likely in the hands
of the statue
of King Veltrick,
down in the Assassins' Guild gallery.
Does that say "ass guild"?
I was trying to save time.
Now these are old, but I think
the gallery is in the basement.
And you worked out a plan
to get us in and out of there.
CARROT: Working on it
through the night, Captain.
Get us into the guild,
down to the gallery
and out before they know
what hit them.
ANGUA: Good. How?
With tax inspection.
(GOODBOY BURPS)
The law gives us the right
to inspect their books at any time.
(RATTLING)
SYBIL: Goodboy, manners.
Oh, Oh, no. I thought
I'd done them all in.
Is the entrance to
the "ass guild" unprotected?
Yes. Because going in there
would be suicide.
(SQUELCHING)
Not if you're one of them.
Wearing that and an appropriately
stylish cloak, I can go in,
go down to the basement,
find the gallery,
steal the artefact
and walk straight out.
How did you get that?
Lady Ramkin, we don't know
the shape or size Gawain is.
Even if you did get
into the basement
without attracting attention
If you get caught,
Lord Vetinari will deny all knowledge.
They don't go out through the front.
They have a door in the basement
that links their building
to the one next to it.
It can only be opened from their side,
so it's bound to be guarded.
- Avoid the guard here
- (GOODBOY ROARS)
and you can walk out.
That's my exit.
The Guild's full of trained assassins.
They've also been trained
to gather around
the inhumation bell
when it tolls at dusk.
- (BELL TOLLS)
- SYBIL: That's when I go in.
When the head of the Guild
hands out the day's contracts.
Everywhere but the main
atrium will be virtually empty.
You really think
you should be doing this?
I gather you've all read that report.
That snake is still alive,
Cheery, and it bites.
(GASPS)
VIMES: Lady Ramkin.
Lady Ramkin, I didn't tell them.
Hey, Lady Ramkin.
CARROT: Don't shake it like that.
You're just making it angrier.
The longer you spend searching
the gallery, the more likely
something will happen to you.
I'm just saying that
with all of us, risk's lower.
We're professionals.
(CARROT GROANING)
VIMES: Well, most of the time.
Just get yourself
down the door and let us in, all right?
- We'll find Gawain in half the time.
- All right.
Understand this.
When I ride, I ride hard.
So saddle up your ponies,
keep kicking or stay in the stables.
I don't understand
what that meant.
Did anybody
understand any of that?
So we need to get into
the building next door.
Who'd be stupid enough
to base themselves
next door to the Assassins' Guild.
I think you'd suit lipstick.
I didn't realise that going undercover
meant we'd have to audition.
Should have had a drink.
Why don't we just
walk down to the basement?
Try and get backstage
without a VIP pass?
Just remember the three chords
we showed you and you'll be fine.
I can't believe they've never
heard this song before.
I know.
MAN: Wankers.
WOMAN: You guys aren't ready for your
alt-jazz vampire-rock fusion bullshit.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
All right, listen.
One song can change everything.
Make people cry the same tears,
even save the world.
- VIMES: Hmm.
- So let's get this right.
Otherwise we'll get
kicked out the building,
Lady Ramkin will die
and Ankh-Morpork will burn.
Okay?
Let's shred this.
YOUNG SYBIL: I didn't see anything.
SYBIL: "I didn't see anything".
All right. Yeah.
So it's wonderful to be here.
Thanks for having us.
Erm, we're the
We're We're called
The what?
We're called The What.
And we're gonna play for you
an old Dwarfish classic now,
that you might be
a little familiar with.
That's right.
It's time for Gold.
Gold.
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
Like we practised, yeah?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(EXHALES RHYTHMICALLY)
(SINGING IN DWARFISH)
(MUFFLED ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
CARCER: This magic of yours is amazing.
He's found the artefact?
No, he started a band.
(SINGING CONTINUES)
We're digging for gold
Digging for precious gold
(SINGING IN DWARFISH)
Give you that gold
We'll give you that gold
We'll give you that solid gold
We're digging for gold
We'll dig down for gold
We'll dig down for gold
Digging for precious gold ♪
(LIFT BELL DINGS)
- Nice mask.
- Thanks. I like yours too.
- You do?
- Bloody love it.
The pattern's very striking, isn't it?
Not so much Assassins' Guild,
but Sassy Guild.
I don't know, girl. I was thinking
maybe it's a little too much.
- Oh, shut up.
- You shut up.
Nil mortifi sine lucre, sugar.
Nil mortifi sine lucre, babe.
Oh, it looks like an old mask.
(EXHALES)
Alice.
Find out who that is.
"Access all areas", dudes.
We're now official members
of the Musicians' Guild.
Right. Let's get down
to the basement.
Meet Lady Ramkin
- and find Gawain.
- find Gawain.
CARCER: Should have been doing
magic your whole life.
(WONSE CHUCKLES)
(LIFT RATTLES)
(LIFT BELL DINGS)
Password.
Did you say something,
little girl?
Password, big girl.
We have no need for them here.
Your voice is weird.
My voice gets
a lot of compliments.
You're not really
one of us, are you?
Haven't seen you here before.
I haven't seen you here before.
Why don't you go back
to turning cart wheels
while us big girls
do all the work?
I hide in laundry chutes
and cupboards
and watch rich people
in their hotel suites.
I watch them eat.
I watch them sleep.
And I climb out
and I strangle them.
I remember what it's like
to be your age.
And sometimes you see things
you shouldn't see.
Bad things.
And you start to think
they're normal, but they're not.
And then when you grow up,
you will realise that
I'm wasting my time here,
aren't I?
CHEERY: The door's through here.
Why exactly would
the Assassins' Guild
have a door into
the Musicians' Guild?
Maybe it's something to do
with all this.
ANGUA: The inhumation bell
will start any second.
I've calculated that
when the bell stops,
we've got a 20 minute window
to get in and out.
It sounds more like
a door crack than a window.
(BELL TOLLING)
MAN: Oops.
YOUNG SYBIL:
I didn't see anything.
(BELL CONTINUES TOLLING)
(WATCH TICKING)
Twenty minutes, Captain.
Something's wrong.
Nil mortifi sine lucre.
ALL: Nil mortifi sine lucre.
Where's Alice?
No?
(SIGHS)
Barton Wallace, administrator
of the Grand Trunk Company.
Client says he'll be
alone in his office tonight.
But for this kind of money,
I think we can safely say
that won't be the case.
- Laugh.
- (ALL LAUGH)
(EXAGGERATED LAUGHTER)
You're new, aren't you?
- Name?
- Steph.
- Guild name?
- Bad Steph.
DR CRUCES: Bad Steph.
You just took your name
and bolted the word "Bad" onto it.
We've gotta get through.
(ANGUA GRUNTS)
The door is solid stygium.
CARROT: The Watch
might not be able to get through,
but in here,
we're not just The Watch.
We're undercover.
CHEERY: As The What?
(ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING)
- What?
- That felt good.
Sometimes you just gotta
get that finger and stick it to the man.
What man?
What finger?
Fifteen minutes, Captain.
We have to find Gawain fast.
Lady Ramkin first.
She could be anywhere.
I'll find her.
Her perfume is infused with asafoetida.
And juniper.
I think.
Over to you, Angua.
DR CRUCES: You don't have to
confirm that.
I can see the sort of assassin
that you are by your shoes.
Where did you get them?
No, don't actually answer.
Don't tell me
(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
DEATH: Excuse me.
Are you gonna pull that trigger?
Sorry, are you?
Oh, um
I hadn't decided.
- Ah, typical.
- Are you
I'm not signing autographs today.
Have you come to
collect his soul?
(SIGHS) I don't usually do this,
but you were about to
pull the trigger,
- and then you
- Weren't sure.
Mmm. I know that revenge
is a complicated business,
but I'm on something of
a tight schedule today.
I don't want to go
somewhere else
and then have to
race back here.
Did you collect
my mother's soul?
My father's?
- I don't want to rush you.
- Did you?
- If you could just make a decision
- Answer me.
Why doesn't anyone
ever think of me? Do I matter?
I'll answer that.
I do matter. I matter a lot.
Please Please answer me.
(SIGHS)
I am one of the only two
certainties in the multiverse.
What did they say
when they saw you?
Were they afraid?
Oh, we're gonna be
here all day, aren't we?
SYBIL: That bastard
is never going to face
any kind of justice
in this world.
DEATH: Or the next.
What's the other certainty?
Taxes.
Get a better name. The Slash.
Show Bad Steph here
how it's done, will you?
Now let's see who else is
about to have the worst
I mean,
last day of their lives.
- Laugh.
- (ALL LAUGH)
MAN: Now I'll show you
how it's done, Dr Cruces.
Talking to Bad Steph like that.
We've had enough of you
treating us like children.
And I've had enough
of talking to myself.
Why aren't you
with your friends?
(GRUNTING)
(MAN GROANS)
Who're you?
You're just so
accountant-y.
I've got 210 inhumations
to my name
across a 22-year,
six month and four day kill streak.
Does that sound remotely
accountant-y to you?
Yes.
- What's your name?
- The Duke of Stab.
- Your real name.
- The anonymity between
assassin and client
has been enshrined
Inigo Skimmer.
Ramkin Mansion.
Twenty summers ago.
You don't even remember. Do you?
Remember what?
Someone's been working off the books?
Death and taxes.
Now we come to
any other business.
Firstly, I'd like to
congratulate Karen from Finance
for her record kill streak
this month.
Let's hear it for
Karen from Finance.
MAN: Well done.
Who knew paper cuts
could be so lethal.
Now, Sex Party Ben.
It's come to my attention
that your recent inhumation
of a Anna Manger
at that orgy was in fact,
a serious breach of our code.
She was a member of
the Launderers' Guild.
A small oversight.
But we all know it's illegal
for one guild member
to attack another.
You have forfeited your right
to anonymity.
Also, your right to life.
We'll pop today's date
on it for you.
(GROANS)
Karen from Finance,
you cold bitch.
ANGUA: Lady Ramkin.
What do you think you're doing?
We're supposed to be finding
This man inhumed my parents.
I was there, Vimes.
I have never left a witness.
That's how you got the mask.
- I want you to arrest him.
- That can't happen.
He has an address and a bag
filled with cold, hard cash
in old currency.
He's working off the books.
All income must be declared.
Carrot said The Watch has
tax inspection powers.
You're The Watch?
You look like a really shit band.
We're undercover.
And tax evasion is an arrestable offence
under the Criminal Finances Act.
Minimum sentence, three years,
confiscation of livestock.
I don't have livestock.
Yeah, but if you did.
Nine minutes, Captain.
We're not arresting anybody.
Hmm.
But you're gonna help us
find what we're looking for.
WONSE: Where are they?
CARCER: A gallery.
VIMES: How long, Cheery?
Seven minutes, Sir.
SYBIL: Hurry up, would you?
This is what
you're looking for?
King Veltrick I, founder of the very
first Watch if I'm not mistaken.
You didn't know that.
Apparently he thought
we'd benefit from having real police.
Bless him.
He was inhumed four days after
he'd forged the first badge.
His hands. They're empty.
It's not here.
- CHEERY: What was he holding?
- Gawain.
A sword.
SYBIL: Gawain is a sword.
And Carcer beat us to it.
- The sword was stolen years ago.
- By who?
What is this? An interview?
- Answer the question.
- Question? Am I a suspect?
(LAUGHS)
So sweet. You think
you're very professional, don't you?
You know,
I think I am going to arrest you.
- SKIMMER: Arrest me?
- Arrest me.
You can't arrest anybody.
- What's this guy's name?
- Inigo Skimmer.
Inigo Skimmer, I'm arresting you
on suspicion of tax evasion
under the, uh
You really can't arrest anybody.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
The Criminal Finances Act, Sir.
Criminal Finances Act.
You're coming with us.
Come on, arrest me!
What are you waiting for?
(IN CARCER'S VOICE) Arrest me.
That sounded like Carcer.
Your temples are glowing, Sir.
What's happening, Wonse?
That is Carcer.
He must be drawing on
the same memory using
Some kind of magical wiretap.
Can he see back into my mind?
(VOICES MERGING)
He's watching though my memory.
Can you watch him back, Captain?
(IN VIMES' VOICE)
I can see back into his mind.
Captain, can you find him?
(IN CARCER'S VOICE) Cut it off.
(CHANTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(DISTORTED)
I love you.
CHEERY: Can you find him?
CARCER: Cut it off.
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
(IN CARCER'S VOICE) Cut it off.
You see where he is, Captain?
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
No, no, no. He's gone.
I just saw, uh
I don't know what I saw.
(WATCH CHIMES)
- (WATCH TICKING)
- Captain.
Time's up.
You're all going to die.
(CHUCKLES)
- (DOOR BANGING)
- (MUFFLED GRUNTING)
WOMAN: You were attacked
by musicians?
This is unbelievable.
No way back.
No way out the front.
You came in through there?
That's Dr Cruces' private room.
You make me paranoid
Paranoid
You must know another way out.
I
What could he have seen?
I don't know.
Thoughts, memories,
impulses, feelings maybe.
What don't you
want him to see?
Doesn't matter.
He never would have
made it out of there alive.
- Yeah.
- Well done, Wonse.
We know what
we need to find now.
Yes. The sword.
Must have been stolen
by one of their own, right?
Assassins have a strict
disciplinary code.
I know where
we'll find the thief.
Skimmer is the only one
not accounted for.
It's the woman with
the weird voice.
I know it.
DR CRUCES: Accountant-y little shit.
Let's go.
(CREAKING)
(SOFT HAMMERING)
WONSE: This is where
the assassins bury their dead.
On this side,
they're buried with honour
and the anonymity that
protected their life
from revenge or reprisals.
But anyone who breaches
their code
is immediately inhumed,
loses that anonymity
and is buried
with their real name
with details of their offence.
That's why so few dare.
CARCER: Our thief should be
easy to find then.
WONSE: Yeah.
Do you even have
a cell to put me in?
SYBIL: We have a very
well-equipped basement.
VIMES: He's not going
in your basement.
We're being followed
by a living doll.
ANGUA: No, it's just a kid.
You all right, little one?
Are you lost?
- (GRUNTS)
- ANGUA: Whoa!
I mean we do some
rock and roll shit.
- Yeah?
- Don't get me wrong.
VIMES: But kicking a kid
in the face?
Shame on you, Lady Ramkin.
Hello, little one.
(GRUNTS AND STRAINS)
CARROT: Lady Ramkin was right,
we should have kicked her in the face.
Here.
Inhumed for death
and absconsion.
Jocasta Wiggs, her real name.
No death date.
They never caught her.
She's still alive.
If she survived the assassins
all this time, she'll be dangerous.
- You'll need
- She'll be old.
We find her, we find the sword.
Carcer
When are you gonna tell me
who this is all for?
When everyone's dead.
(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)
- Taxes?
- Taxes.
Our first arrest.
We didn't go in there for this.
At least we know
what this is now.
But Carcer knows there's a sword too,
and he'll be looking for it.
Maybe Skimmer can tell us more.
Help us find him.
I'm very happy to interrogate him.
- Interview, you mean?
- Yes, of course. That too.
"We're outside."
"You should come out too.
"Sorry. Should have made that
clear on the first."
(YELPS)
"Unless you'd rather
we did this in there.
"Just thinking of the mess."
So, you're The Watch.
Sorry.
We were meant to be undercover.
What were you doing
in our building?
Tax inspection.
We'd gotten word that
a member of your guild
called Inigo Skimmer
has been working off the books.
Undeclared income
is a serious
You think he'd declare the money
he was given to kill his own boss?
Only the Thieves' Guild
would be so cheap
as to pay in a dead currency
like Morporkian dollars.
They've had a contract out on me
ever since I accused
that little prick, Urdo,
of being a virgin.
(CHUCKLES)
Urdo, head of
the Thieves' Guild?
And he absolutely is a virgin.
Also, he knows that it is illegal
for one guild's members
to attack another's.
So in a way, I should thank you.
You've given me all I need
to have him banished
from the council.
And then we'll have no one
between us and Vetinari.
Now, where was I?
Oh, yes.
It's illegal for one guild's
member to attack another's?
We're in the Musicians' Guild.
Come on, licences, quick.
And you?
Why don't you go back to
hiding in that cupboard?
Our guild rules state we can audition
affiliate members anytime, anywhere.
She doesn't have an instrument.
How do they rise
How do they rise
All of those angels
How do they rise
(SIGHS)
They lift their heads up
They lift their heads up
They rise up
They rise up ♪
(SIGHS)
Oh.
Seems you're far better musicians
than police officers.
I'll see you soon
Captain.
CHEERY: Remember what I told
you about the finger?
This finger?
I heard you singing it
in your sleep.
I liked it.
She liked it.
If you let The Watch arrest
everyone who evades tax
The city will be in
a far better position to defend itself.
There is a dragon at large
and keeping it at bay
will be very expensive.
Not to mention the cost
of the clean-up operations
after its attack.
Strange times.
One extinct species returning
to stalk the sky
You'll be glad to hear
I've raised the bounty.
and another,
suddenly waking up
to responsibilities
it's never taken seriously before.
I look forward to hearing what sanctions
you'll take against the Thieves' Guild
for their outrageous transgression.
My Lord.
Vimes
as of this moment,
you will officially cease to
pursue any further enquiries.
Sir, um
Carcer is going to
keep looking for the sword
and that dragon's gonna keep on feeding.
Undoubtedly.
But if the Assassins' Guild
were to learn
there's a means of controlling it
They'd want to keep it
for themselves.
"Officially" cease to pursue.
Is this one of those situations
where you want me to do
the exact opposite
of what you just told me to do?
I don't know, Vimes.
Is it?
Something wrong with
your hand, Vimes?
No, Sir. No. Nothing at all.
(CLOSING MUSIC PLAYING)