The Wizards of Aus (2016) s01e03 Episode Script
Magic by Moonlight
(sad piano music) (screams) - Well that's rich! That is rich! And that it's then, we're just done? OK, throw it all the way, whatever.
Is this about the money? Well, excuse me, princess.
Excuse me that I wasn't raised on a diet of jewels and gold and hay! (explosion) I bet he's everything I'm not.
I'm sorry, I'm not a powerful quadruped.
I'm sorry I don't have an ivory tusk growing out of my forehead.
- [Irene.]
This has been a long time coming, Jack.
You know that.
- I bet he takes a long time coming.
- [Irene.]
You're being juvenile.
(flaps lips) My parents are in the next room, they can hear.
- I want them to hear! La, la, la - [Horse Dad.]
Perhaps we should go, dear.
- [Horse Mom.]
But there's still so much quiche! (Jack growls loudly) - That's it, isn't it? I'm just not man enough for you.
- [Irene.]
It's not that you're not man enough, Jack.
He's just all horse.
- We could've made this work, you know? But typical you, typical naysayer, you naysayer, all you say is "Nay!" (makes neighing sound) (flaps lips) (wheezes) (makes neighing sound) - [Irene.]
It's done, I've told him.
I'm coming over now.
- Irene! I'm sorry, come back! Come back! Come back! Come back, Irene.
(sniffles) Come back.
(makes neighing sound) (yawns) - Well, this is a sad sight.
Waking up alone again! - Well, you're never really alone with a living portrait dead Dad watching you sleep.
- It's that kind of attitude that makes you such a disappointment.
I didn't hatch you from an egg just for you to end the bloodline.
Find yourself a lady, son.
Start using your magic again.
There's nothing women respect more than a magician.
- Dad! - [Regimand.]
Before I was confined to this living hell, there wasn't a night I went without a woman's touch.
- Well that's nice, Dad.
- And now, look at me! Oh! Two-thirds of the man I once was, having lost an entire dimension.
When I opted to be immortalized in oil and canvas, I thought I was cementing my legacy.
And now I pray for death! (door closes) (phone ringing) - How about going on a date? - Excuse me? Yes, absolutely, please.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Not with me, with someone else.
- (laughs) And I was joking.
Yeah, I find you fucking repulsive.
(chuckles) - Outstanding! Well, dating is a really great way to meet new people and to get a fresh perspective on your new community.
Have you had much dating experience? - Yeah, sure.
Back home, I used to slay, uh, giants, I was a giantslayer.
You slay a giant, women just throw themselves at you, often from a catapult or a trebuchet.
(Kylie laughs) - What is romance even like, where you're from? Is there much dating within the wizard community? - Well, um, dating other wizards is tough because once two wizards hook up, it's for life.
As in, it's the end of your life, you die.
Once those wiz lips make contact, you kind of boil away into this frothy, gelatinous sex ball.
It's gross.
Like beautiful, but like, super gross.
I have never known such bliss.
But, um, other, other creatures in the realm? Totally fair game.
Um.
(chuckles) Once I was engaged to this elven chick.
(ethereal harp music) My beloved, Lady Caroliniana, would you make me the happiest wizard from the Astral Sea to the Woodland Row? - Oh, Jack.
You offer me this ring.
Well, of course, I'll take it, and in place of your girlfriend, I would become your wife! (scary instrumental music) (background noise drowns out other sounds) A wife more powerful than the lightning! More treacherous than the ocean blue! And you, you will love me and despair.
(footsteps) - (chuckles) So that didn't work out.
Eventually, I did marry, but um (horse neighing) I think it's time to move on.
- Attaboy.
As they say, once you fall off the horse, you just need to get right back on again.
So let's get you back in the saddle.
Uh, and who knows, we may even find you a stable relationship, (horses neighing) or you could just horse around a bit.
(Jack groaning continuously) You OK, Jack? - Yep! - All right, let's go, giddy up! - I used to fuck a horse.
- What? - Nothing! Let's go.
(groans loudly) This place is cool.
- Uh, Jack, no, it isn't.
But hey, speed dating is new for me, too.
You'll be fine, don't be nervous.
- Well, good thing I'm not nervous.
(burning) - Uh, your forehead doesn't agree.
- What? Oh, shit! Um yeah, uh sorry, uh When I was young, my Dad put a curse on me, so that if I lied or was nervous, my face would kind of give it away.
- Well, if you'd just owned up to eating all the boiled turtle, I wouldn't have had to! - But you ate the turtle! - As the saying goes, "A turt in the tum, "no harm done.
" - No one's ever said that.
- Well I just said it, didn't I? Well, well, well.
Who is this ravishing creature? Mm-hmm.
(thumping) Allow me to introduce myself.
I am Regimand the Wise, and Well-Hung.
- Hey, Jack.
Cool dad.
(bell ringing) Oh, would you look at that, we're about to start.
Good luck.
- Hey, um Dad, could you fuck off? - Don't worry, son.
I'll just finish my drink and get out of your beard.
(splash) Watercolor? Watercolor! Gross! (painting clatters) (bell ringing) - Ring-a-ding-a-dingle! Who wants a flingle? (giggles) The name of the game is speed, guys and girls, so let's get to it! (forceful drum music) (relaxing pop music) - (chuckles) Hi.
- Hi, hi! Hi, I'm Jack.
- I know, it's on your tag.
- Oh, well um Literacy is a very attractive quality in a human female.
You are Anna, just looking at the tag, not the chest yet.
Uh, I hope to, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
So, what do you do? - Well, I'm studying to be an accountant.
- Oh, accountancy, that's interesting.
(burning) And, uh, you look lovely, by the way, you look great.
(burning) - Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- So, what do you do for fun? - Fun? Ah, fun! I uh, well, I like to read.
(burning) I like to watch television with my friends.
(burning) I like to garden.
(burning) - Cool.
- Yeah.
- So, speed dating.
What are you hoping to get out of it? - I just, I just want to find somebody who's fun.
(burning) - You're a pig.
- I'm actually a waterproof man.
(bell ringing) - Wow, smooth.
- Guess I'm a bit rusty, which is ironic, as I can't get wet.
Hey, um, I think I'm just gonna go, but thank you very much.
This was awful.
- [Kylie.]
Oy.
- [Kylie.]
I never pegged you for a quitter.
Come on, Jack, hustle.
Here, drink this.
(triumphant choir singing) - Is it, uh, like a potion? - No, you fucking idiot.
It's a beer.
It'll take the edge off and sort out that, that business.
- OK.
(lively instrumental music) - [Kylie.]
No, no, no, no, drink.
(crunching) (funny electronic music) - [Kylie.]
Good? - Fucking sick.
(funny electronic music) (gulping) - [Kylie.]
Good? (gulping) (funny electronic music) (burps loudly) (sniffs) (burps) - Hi there.
- Hello.
(roar then bird chirping) - Oh.
I knew it! You are a wizard.
- Guilty as charged.
- That is so weird, there's another magic guy here.
- Wait, what, really? - Yeah.
- A more rousing tale, I was snoozing as I was wont to do in my sarcophagus.
I was rather a lazy bones in those days.
Lo and behold, the lid is lifted and who should it be, but Brendan Fraser.
He was researching his role for the upcoming movie at the time, Monkeybone, the Hollywood sensation.
Then we, together, came to the conclusion that we should bury all the slaves alive.
- [Waiter.]
You guys asked for drinks? - You dare interrupt Lord Mummy? Stare into my amulet! (Waiter screams) (gong) - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! - As I was saying, monkey bones.
Basically, they're delicious with anything.
I have a bone salad, personally, you toast the bones lightly under a grill, and then arrange them smoothly on cos lettuce with a drizzle of mayonnaise on top of that.
- Mummy mia, right? (laughs) (laughs nervously) - And maybe some anchovies if that's your pleasure.
I personally don't appreciate the salt.
- Anyway, tell me, what was it like growing up in the wizard realm? - Pretty normal.
Uh, Dad frothed himself into a sex ball, hatched me from an egg.
Now he's dead and lives in a painting.
Oh there he is.
- You look about as desperate as I am.
(chuckles) - Yeah, boring, don't care.
Impress me, magic man.
Show me a trick.
- Ah well, uh, the thing about my magic is that I don't do any.
- Excuse me? - I'm under a self-imposed abstinence.
- You're abstinent? - Magically, yes.
Sexually, I'm open for business.
- And how is business? - It is miserable.
(bell ringing) - Yeah, good call.
- A quick date is a good date! So long as he isn't quick where it counts, hey ladies? Talk about come.
(chuckles) (funny electronic music) - Then and they all died, and that's why I've never been employed.
(heartfelt acoustic guitar music) Hey, do you want to see some magic? - I heard you don't do that anymore.
- Shh, shh, don't tell Jack.
(laughs) - OK.
- OK! I noticed that your glass, it is very empty.
Would you like it to be very full? - Yes.
- OK! (gurgling) - Oh! What? (gurgling) (exclaims in disgust) - Yeah? - Gross.
(laughs) That's gross! - I find things gross.
(gurgling) Um, hey, grab that water, throw it at me.
(splash) - [Mummy.]
Who dares (mumbles) Lord Mummy? - OK, I have one more trick.
Hello! Bonjour! - Yes, sir? - [Regimand.]
Bonsoir.
- This lady would like a, this lady would like a - Oh, this lady would like a pint, thanks.
- Oh, one pint for the lovely lady, bartender, two pints, um, deux pints.
I'm speaking in French.
- Yeah, sure, no worries.
- Au revoir! (giggles) - You know, I never expected to meet anybody interesting here, and I've been pleasantly mistaken.
- Oh, me too, you know? This is actually fun.
Um but, just anything you want, anywhere you wanna go, we can do it.
Magic! Gods, I've missed it.
- Anywhere? - Literally anywhere.
- OK, don't laugh.
- I won't.
- Promise? - Cross my hearts.
- OK, when I was a kid, I really wanted to be an astronaut.
- I don't know what that is.
- (laughs) I wanted to be the first white woman to walk on the moon.
- Moon? Moon, it's child's play.
We can go to the moon right now.
- Really? - Yeah.
You wanna, you wanna go with me? - No way! Yes! Let's do it! - OK, bang, zoom.
(peaceful instrumental music) Straight to the moon! (peaceful instrumental music) (crumbling) (shatters) Shit.
Oh hey, it's the guy and his dog from (sighs) - Two deux pints.
Where's your friend? - Oh she just popped out for a bit.
(burning) (funny electronic music)
Is this about the money? Well, excuse me, princess.
Excuse me that I wasn't raised on a diet of jewels and gold and hay! (explosion) I bet he's everything I'm not.
I'm sorry, I'm not a powerful quadruped.
I'm sorry I don't have an ivory tusk growing out of my forehead.
- [Irene.]
This has been a long time coming, Jack.
You know that.
- I bet he takes a long time coming.
- [Irene.]
You're being juvenile.
(flaps lips) My parents are in the next room, they can hear.
- I want them to hear! La, la, la - [Horse Dad.]
Perhaps we should go, dear.
- [Horse Mom.]
But there's still so much quiche! (Jack growls loudly) - That's it, isn't it? I'm just not man enough for you.
- [Irene.]
It's not that you're not man enough, Jack.
He's just all horse.
- We could've made this work, you know? But typical you, typical naysayer, you naysayer, all you say is "Nay!" (makes neighing sound) (flaps lips) (wheezes) (makes neighing sound) - [Irene.]
It's done, I've told him.
I'm coming over now.
- Irene! I'm sorry, come back! Come back! Come back! Come back, Irene.
(sniffles) Come back.
(makes neighing sound) (yawns) - Well, this is a sad sight.
Waking up alone again! - Well, you're never really alone with a living portrait dead Dad watching you sleep.
- It's that kind of attitude that makes you such a disappointment.
I didn't hatch you from an egg just for you to end the bloodline.
Find yourself a lady, son.
Start using your magic again.
There's nothing women respect more than a magician.
- Dad! - [Regimand.]
Before I was confined to this living hell, there wasn't a night I went without a woman's touch.
- Well that's nice, Dad.
- And now, look at me! Oh! Two-thirds of the man I once was, having lost an entire dimension.
When I opted to be immortalized in oil and canvas, I thought I was cementing my legacy.
And now I pray for death! (door closes) (phone ringing) - How about going on a date? - Excuse me? Yes, absolutely, please.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Not with me, with someone else.
- (laughs) And I was joking.
Yeah, I find you fucking repulsive.
(chuckles) - Outstanding! Well, dating is a really great way to meet new people and to get a fresh perspective on your new community.
Have you had much dating experience? - Yeah, sure.
Back home, I used to slay, uh, giants, I was a giantslayer.
You slay a giant, women just throw themselves at you, often from a catapult or a trebuchet.
(Kylie laughs) - What is romance even like, where you're from? Is there much dating within the wizard community? - Well, um, dating other wizards is tough because once two wizards hook up, it's for life.
As in, it's the end of your life, you die.
Once those wiz lips make contact, you kind of boil away into this frothy, gelatinous sex ball.
It's gross.
Like beautiful, but like, super gross.
I have never known such bliss.
But, um, other, other creatures in the realm? Totally fair game.
Um.
(chuckles) Once I was engaged to this elven chick.
(ethereal harp music) My beloved, Lady Caroliniana, would you make me the happiest wizard from the Astral Sea to the Woodland Row? - Oh, Jack.
You offer me this ring.
Well, of course, I'll take it, and in place of your girlfriend, I would become your wife! (scary instrumental music) (background noise drowns out other sounds) A wife more powerful than the lightning! More treacherous than the ocean blue! And you, you will love me and despair.
(footsteps) - (chuckles) So that didn't work out.
Eventually, I did marry, but um (horse neighing) I think it's time to move on.
- Attaboy.
As they say, once you fall off the horse, you just need to get right back on again.
So let's get you back in the saddle.
Uh, and who knows, we may even find you a stable relationship, (horses neighing) or you could just horse around a bit.
(Jack groaning continuously) You OK, Jack? - Yep! - All right, let's go, giddy up! - I used to fuck a horse.
- What? - Nothing! Let's go.
(groans loudly) This place is cool.
- Uh, Jack, no, it isn't.
But hey, speed dating is new for me, too.
You'll be fine, don't be nervous.
- Well, good thing I'm not nervous.
(burning) - Uh, your forehead doesn't agree.
- What? Oh, shit! Um yeah, uh sorry, uh When I was young, my Dad put a curse on me, so that if I lied or was nervous, my face would kind of give it away.
- Well, if you'd just owned up to eating all the boiled turtle, I wouldn't have had to! - But you ate the turtle! - As the saying goes, "A turt in the tum, "no harm done.
" - No one's ever said that.
- Well I just said it, didn't I? Well, well, well.
Who is this ravishing creature? Mm-hmm.
(thumping) Allow me to introduce myself.
I am Regimand the Wise, and Well-Hung.
- Hey, Jack.
Cool dad.
(bell ringing) Oh, would you look at that, we're about to start.
Good luck.
- Hey, um Dad, could you fuck off? - Don't worry, son.
I'll just finish my drink and get out of your beard.
(splash) Watercolor? Watercolor! Gross! (painting clatters) (bell ringing) - Ring-a-ding-a-dingle! Who wants a flingle? (giggles) The name of the game is speed, guys and girls, so let's get to it! (forceful drum music) (relaxing pop music) - (chuckles) Hi.
- Hi, hi! Hi, I'm Jack.
- I know, it's on your tag.
- Oh, well um Literacy is a very attractive quality in a human female.
You are Anna, just looking at the tag, not the chest yet.
Uh, I hope to, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
So, what do you do? - Well, I'm studying to be an accountant.
- Oh, accountancy, that's interesting.
(burning) And, uh, you look lovely, by the way, you look great.
(burning) - Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- So, what do you do for fun? - Fun? Ah, fun! I uh, well, I like to read.
(burning) I like to watch television with my friends.
(burning) I like to garden.
(burning) - Cool.
- Yeah.
- So, speed dating.
What are you hoping to get out of it? - I just, I just want to find somebody who's fun.
(burning) - You're a pig.
- I'm actually a waterproof man.
(bell ringing) - Wow, smooth.
- Guess I'm a bit rusty, which is ironic, as I can't get wet.
Hey, um, I think I'm just gonna go, but thank you very much.
This was awful.
- [Kylie.]
Oy.
- [Kylie.]
I never pegged you for a quitter.
Come on, Jack, hustle.
Here, drink this.
(triumphant choir singing) - Is it, uh, like a potion? - No, you fucking idiot.
It's a beer.
It'll take the edge off and sort out that, that business.
- OK.
(lively instrumental music) - [Kylie.]
No, no, no, no, drink.
(crunching) (funny electronic music) - [Kylie.]
Good? - Fucking sick.
(funny electronic music) (gulping) - [Kylie.]
Good? (gulping) (funny electronic music) (burps loudly) (sniffs) (burps) - Hi there.
- Hello.
(roar then bird chirping) - Oh.
I knew it! You are a wizard.
- Guilty as charged.
- That is so weird, there's another magic guy here.
- Wait, what, really? - Yeah.
- A more rousing tale, I was snoozing as I was wont to do in my sarcophagus.
I was rather a lazy bones in those days.
Lo and behold, the lid is lifted and who should it be, but Brendan Fraser.
He was researching his role for the upcoming movie at the time, Monkeybone, the Hollywood sensation.
Then we, together, came to the conclusion that we should bury all the slaves alive.
- [Waiter.]
You guys asked for drinks? - You dare interrupt Lord Mummy? Stare into my amulet! (Waiter screams) (gong) - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! - As I was saying, monkey bones.
Basically, they're delicious with anything.
I have a bone salad, personally, you toast the bones lightly under a grill, and then arrange them smoothly on cos lettuce with a drizzle of mayonnaise on top of that.
- Mummy mia, right? (laughs) (laughs nervously) - And maybe some anchovies if that's your pleasure.
I personally don't appreciate the salt.
- Anyway, tell me, what was it like growing up in the wizard realm? - Pretty normal.
Uh, Dad frothed himself into a sex ball, hatched me from an egg.
Now he's dead and lives in a painting.
Oh there he is.
- You look about as desperate as I am.
(chuckles) - Yeah, boring, don't care.
Impress me, magic man.
Show me a trick.
- Ah well, uh, the thing about my magic is that I don't do any.
- Excuse me? - I'm under a self-imposed abstinence.
- You're abstinent? - Magically, yes.
Sexually, I'm open for business.
- And how is business? - It is miserable.
(bell ringing) - Yeah, good call.
- A quick date is a good date! So long as he isn't quick where it counts, hey ladies? Talk about come.
(chuckles) (funny electronic music) - Then and they all died, and that's why I've never been employed.
(heartfelt acoustic guitar music) Hey, do you want to see some magic? - I heard you don't do that anymore.
- Shh, shh, don't tell Jack.
(laughs) - OK.
- OK! I noticed that your glass, it is very empty.
Would you like it to be very full? - Yes.
- OK! (gurgling) - Oh! What? (gurgling) (exclaims in disgust) - Yeah? - Gross.
(laughs) That's gross! - I find things gross.
(gurgling) Um, hey, grab that water, throw it at me.
(splash) - [Mummy.]
Who dares (mumbles) Lord Mummy? - OK, I have one more trick.
Hello! Bonjour! - Yes, sir? - [Regimand.]
Bonsoir.
- This lady would like a, this lady would like a - Oh, this lady would like a pint, thanks.
- Oh, one pint for the lovely lady, bartender, two pints, um, deux pints.
I'm speaking in French.
- Yeah, sure, no worries.
- Au revoir! (giggles) - You know, I never expected to meet anybody interesting here, and I've been pleasantly mistaken.
- Oh, me too, you know? This is actually fun.
Um but, just anything you want, anywhere you wanna go, we can do it.
Magic! Gods, I've missed it.
- Anywhere? - Literally anywhere.
- OK, don't laugh.
- I won't.
- Promise? - Cross my hearts.
- OK, when I was a kid, I really wanted to be an astronaut.
- I don't know what that is.
- (laughs) I wanted to be the first white woman to walk on the moon.
- Moon? Moon, it's child's play.
We can go to the moon right now.
- Really? - Yeah.
You wanna, you wanna go with me? - No way! Yes! Let's do it! - OK, bang, zoom.
(peaceful instrumental music) Straight to the moon! (peaceful instrumental music) (crumbling) (shatters) Shit.
Oh hey, it's the guy and his dog from (sighs) - Two deux pints.
Where's your friend? - Oh she just popped out for a bit.
(burning) (funny electronic music)