The Wonder Years (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1 ADULT DEAN: Teaching us kids about male/female relationships wasn't something that was on grown folks' agenda in the '60s.
Kids were to be seen and not heard.
Especially at the "Blue Light Special" parties my parents had been throwing since they were all "on the yard" together at Tuskegee A&M.
- [Leon Gibson's "Do the Roller" plays.]
- [Cheering.]
Come on, everybody Let's do the Roller I've got it You get it Hey, Bruce! I'm empty! ADULT DEAN: My brother, Bruce, being the oldest, was given certain tasks.
Do you like it? I like it Come on, baby Let's do the Roller Baby, do the Roller Unh-unh.
What do you think you're doing? I just want to see what's going on.
Girl, stop being fast and get back to your room.
- But Bruce - But nothing.
If you don't get back in that house right now Ugh.
- Ooh, now that girl thinks she grown, huh? - [Door slams.]
Mm-hmm.
She gets it from her grandmama.
Ah.
And not her mama? [Both chuckle.]
ADULT DEAN: Who needed sexy dancing when you have baseball cards? I can't wait to be old enough to know what they do out there.
Why? They're grownups.
They don't know what real fun is.
Come on, baby Whoa.
Manager cards.
Ugh! DEAN: Okay, Cory, if you trade Brad your Jim Fregosi, Brad can trade Sam his Bill Freeman, and I'll just take this Hank Aaron, I guess.
I think we have a deal here, fellas.
Wait, who are you giving up? Well, I really don't want to do this, but I guess I can get rid of my Bert Campaneris.
Who's Bert Campaneris? Who's Bert Campaneris? [Chuckles.]
Only the utility infielder for the Oakland A's that hit .
232 with four doubles and six hit by pitches last season.
I don't know, man.
My mom told me not to trade with you anymore after you took that Willie Mays card off my hand because he "ruined it" by signing it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I trading with Cory or Cory's mom? Do you ask your mom to cut your steak, too? Well, yeah, actually.
She does it the best.
I'll take the Bert Campaneris.
Finally.
Someone who's his own man.
Now, let's see, who do I want in return? Carl Yes-sturm-ski? That's a weird name.
Guess I could take this one off your hands.
ADULT DEAN: The next day, I couldn't wait to get back to school and unload my Marv Throneberry card.
What gives? You guys trading baseball cards without me? Baseball cards are for boys, Dean.
These These are for men.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Seeing those magazines gave me a feeling no baseball card ever could.
Until then, the raciest thing I'd seen was employees changing the clothes on a female mannequin at Woolworths.
And frankly, its lack of detail left me with more questions than answers.
Where did you guys get these? From our dads' secret stashes.
If I don't see it, it's not a sin.
Hmm.
You've seen nudie magazines before, right? Of course he has.
Yes, of course.
Why's he sweating so much? A fever? Lucky for him, his wife's a nurse.
I'd never felt this way before.
It was exciting, titillating, taboo.
But I had to play it cool in front of the guys.
[Groans.]
Which became a lot easier after Hampton passed out.
He's fine.
This happened in biology class, too.
Oh, oh, oh And I know Ohh Through the highs and the lows I'mma find my way home Mom? Dad? You guys home from work yet? In the '60s, you could count on Black men for all kinds of things.
Being able to dress.
Being able to fix a car.
Unfortunately, you could also count on them to know exactly where to hide things.
Instead of a will, my dad left us a map.
Getting warmer.
Getting colder.
Boy, was I wrong.
I was determined to find his stash of magazines.
Wow.
All the drawings and homemade cards we'd given them over the years.
Mr.
Giggles? Wait.
Mama told me he moved to a farm after I dropped him in the toilet that time.
[Sighs.]
The betrayal.
Wow.
So many memories.
So many precious Oh, boobs.
Jackpot.
I mean, sure, these were pretty tame by today's standards, but back then, nothing was hotter than Mahogany Love.
Stay out of grown folks' business, Mr.
Giggles.
I just couldn't wait to show them the magazines I found.
Hampton was definitely gonna pass out again.
'Sup, fellas? Who wants to do less talking, and more looking, - know what I'm saying? - BOYS: Whoa! Whoa, Dean! Nice! Shh! Keep it down.
Haven't you ever seen a girlie magazine before? Well, what are you waiting for? Let's see 'em.
Be cool.
Hey, Dean.
Did you get taller? Naw, baby.
Just more mature.
Eh, eh.
Yeah.
What the hell was that? - Wow.
- Whoa.
- Awesome.
- Cool! - Man.
- What? Guys, should we be hogging the bathroom? You know, in case someone has to go? Wow.
These are even better than Brett's.
Yeah.
Great job, Dean.
These are primo.
It's the good stuff.
My dad would leave my mom if he saw this.
Yeah.
My dad's a real pervert.
What you guys looking at? Let's see this.
Oh, wow.
That's the good stuff! - [Chuckles.]
- Yeah.
Hey, whose are these? Mine.
Righteous.
Gimme some skin.
[Bell rings.]
Ah, that's the bell.
I'm on duty now.
Fun's over, boys.
I'm gonna have to confiscate these magazines.
What? Confiscate? What happened to righteous? And the skin we gave each other? Sorry.
That was "Fun Mike.
" Now I'm "Hall Monitor Mike.
" Hall Monitor Mike knows that this is a violation of school policy.
- Come on.
- I was busted.
I knew this meant a trip to the principal's office.
But I couldn't show fear in front of the guys.
Which, again, Hampton made easier.
- [Groans.]
- [Thud.]
He's fine.
This happened in detention, too.
Well, I'm so sorry again.
Thanks for letting me know.
Don't worry.
This boy gonna get a good talking to.
You know, I had to call because the school has a very clear policy on this, but, uh, boys will be boys.
And, uh, this is the good stuff.
You usually have to go to a liquor store to find these.
That response is to be expected in a decade when "mechanic" was a viable career path to junior high principal.
There was one more.
[Sighs.]
So we need to talk about what just happened.
Here it comes.
The pre-whooping talk, where they explain why they have to whoop you and pretend like they don't enjoy it.
Daddy, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to How 'bout we keep what happened between us men? Really? This was the first time my dad ever referred to me as a man.
- [Engine starts.]
- I felt like he had given me admission into the most super-secret club there is.
[Glasses clink.]
[Laughs.]
Drink it in, Dean.
You're in "The Club" now.
A good time, baby Have myself a good time, baby Ahh.
Have myself a good time, yeah [Both laugh.]
All right ADULT DEAN: Now that I'd seen those photos of naked women, I couldn't focus on anything anymore.
You're thinking about what my boobs look like, aren't you, Dean? No.
I swear I wasn't.
That's not why I risked my life saving thousands of innocent lives.
Pull yourself together.
BILL: Going to the store.
Back in 20.
Dean! What the hell are you doing? Uh please don't be mad at Dad.
He told me not to look at his magazines.
Your father knows about this? And he said these were his? He said it's just between us men.
Oh, he did, did he? Well, looks like the three of us need to have a little talk.
I hadn't been in the man club for a day, and I'd already committed the cardinal sin of letting Mama know about Dad's secret stash.
Well, I'm walkin' and walkin' Yes, I'm walkin' in the rain MAN: It's a shame he ain't ready.
And then he told me they were your magazines, and this was supposed to be between the men.
Oh, so you did hear that part.
I know I wasn't supposed to do it.
I know they're dirty.
[Sighs.]
I tried to think about other things, but I couldn't get those pictures out of my head.
Stupid sexy Harriet Tubman.
Okay, let's get one thing clear, Dean.
The feelings that you have when you see those magazines are natural.
They are not dirty.
I don't want you to ever feel guilty or ashamed of what you're feeling.
So, I think it's time that we talk with you about sex.
ADULT DEAN: Maybe it was time for me to die.
Can't we just whoop the boy like God intended? Yeah, Mama, I'll take the whooping.
- I'd rather us talk about it.
- [Sighs.]
Why do you always wanna talk? Women don't know anything about this stuff.
What stuff? Nudie magazines and stuff.
Those magazines aren't your father's.
They're mine.
[Rumbling.]
At that moment, it felt like time almost stood still.
[Speaking in slow-motion.]
[High-pitched ringing.]
Why would you want to look at magazines like those? You remember when your father would be on the road with the band a lot? Well, I would miss him.
Are there pictures of him in those magazines? No.
Not exactly.
But there are pictures of couples.
And some of the men would remind me of your dad.
We even used to look at them together.
So, you don't anymore? I guess we haven't in a while.
Why'd you stop? Well Well, you all were getting older and we both were pretty busy with work.
Yeah, you know, with teaching and tenure.
And I was going up for that new promotion, more hours So, all that makes you not miss each other anymore? That's not important.
I just want you to understand that this is all normal and healthy.
For men and women.
O-Okay.
Good.
Any more questions? Great.
Now that that's done, who wants dinner? Well, since you asked, I did overhear some older kids talking the other day.
[Sighs.]
What's a period? Damn it, Lillian! Okay.
A period In the '60s, most women didn't openly talk about sex, but Mama was always ahead of the curve.
She was the first Black woman in her hometown to learn how to drive.
She was the first Black woman in her hometown to go to college.
And I can't prove this one, but I'm fairly certain she was the first Black woman in the neighborhood to own a cardboard box chock-full of porn.
One day, there is going to be a woman that you love, and knowing this about the opposite sex is gonna make you a more open and caring partner.
Most men have no idea about the female sex drive, and I don't want you to turn out like them.
True.
Wait, in this scenario, is Dean most men, or am I? All I'm saying is I know this isn't what you were expecting to hear from a woman, especially your mom, but I don't think it's too much for me to ask that my son grow up to be a caring and tender man.
I'll be taking these.
Aren't you forgetting the "just like his father" part? "Just like your father.
" It was implied.
Mom and Dad gave you the talk, didn't they? What talk? The "Let's ruin the fun of thinking about sex" talk.
Yeah, it was pretty weird.
Yeah, they gave me the same one a few years ago.
Yeah.
Mama said that the dirty ma I mean "adult" magazines I found were hers.
Wait, Mom has nudie magazines? The same mom that made me get baptized again for wearing a bikini? Oh, she got baptized again, all right, but trust me, it wasn't just about the bikini.
What else did they tell you? That the baby comes out the Ugh.
Yeah.
Ouch.
And that if you don't use birth control, you get a - Bruce.
- [Both laugh.]
But did Dad warn you that not even the pill will keep a girl from getting pregnant if she has sex before she graduates college? No.
Of course he didn't.
He saved the lies for me.
Ugh.
Dad! I had been equipped with knowledge much beyond my years.
And with great knowledge comes great responsibility.
Responsibility to show my friends how much I knew.
Wait, so when are we gonna get our periods? No, you idiot.
It's for girls.
How did you find all this out? My mom told me.
You talk about this with your mom? Yep.
She said that girls like guys who know this kind of stuff, and she wants to make sure I'm a good husband one day.
I bet you guys didn't even know girls look at these magazines, too.
- No way! - Oh, yeah.
It's true.
Women look at them because it reminds them of their husbands.
TOGETHER: Ohhhh.
Now that I had clearly surpassed the studly-ness of the guys, I thought I'd take what I learned from Mama and use it to help me get closer to Keisa.
She was about to see just how knowledgeable I was about women and their urges.
Hey, Keisa, you're never gonna believe what I just found out.
What I didn't expect to find out was how hard Keisa's right cross was.
[Gasps.]
Dean, what happened? All I did was tell everybody the stuff you told me.
Mrs.
Williams.
So, as I told you each on the phone, we caught Dean sharing an awful lot of detailed personals with Keisa.
Well, I just want to say how embarrassed we are at Dean's actions.
Well, unfortunately, that doesn't change the fact that my little girl was forced to listen to that smut.
Where did he even hear this filth? Who knows? Boys will be boys.
[Chuckles.]
He claimed he heard it from you.
Thank you.
How are you raising your children? Now because of you, not only was my daughter exposed to Ears! [Whispers.]
sex, [Normal voice.]
now my wife has to sit here and hear about it.
There's no telling what perverse thoughts this puts in Keisa's mind.
She could be scarred for life, all because your little boy want to sit and expose her to things he saw in Ears! [Whispers.]
pornographies.
All I wanted was for my mom to set this guy straight.
I wanted her to explain to him the same thing she explained to me that it's not dirty, it's all normal.
Well, some of the ratios of the women in the middle pages may not have been normal.
I'm sorry you have to sit here and hear all this talk.
Get him, Mama.
Tell him how women like this stuff, too.
I'm so, so sorry, too.
But when Mama didn't put him in his place, I began to understand why.
Keisa's dad was an example of the type of man my mama didn't want me to be.
As awful as I thought my family's talk was, I realized it wasn't nearly as bad as the talk Keisa's family wasn't having.
And in that moment, I was so proud to have a membership card in Mama's club.
How 'bout I take Dean home and give him a good, long talking to.
Maybe let your husband handle it.
Thank you for the advice.
Now, there's no need to tell your father about all this.
Really? Even sexually liberated women hate hearing their husbands say, "I told you so.
" As good as it felt for my friends to think I was mature, it felt even better for my parents to treat me that way.
[Radio changing stations.]
Don't you touch that radio, boy.
You ain't grown.
Yes, ma'am.
JULIA: And I'm dedicated to my profession and skilled in it, and what's more, I can handle even the most exacting demands - of a mean, gruff - [Lillian laughs.]
old man with the heartwarming manners of a wounded moose.
[Bill and Lillian laughing.]
ADULT DEAN: Oh, no.
I caught my parents looking at porn.
If this was the Old Testament, we'd all be stoned.
LILLIAN: Dean? What are you doing? Uh just staying out of grown folks' business.
Well, come on down here and look at how handsome your father looked on our wedding day.
I better have.
That suit cost half a Buick.
- [Laughs.]
- [Doorbell rings.]
Oh, wow.
Oh, look at the time.
People must already be here.
["Nothing Worse Than Being Alone" by The Ad Libs playing.]
Girl, when's the last time you had one of these? - It's been a while, for sure.
- Mm.
COACH LONG: [Laughs.]
Oh, watch it now.
Hey, hey, don't mess around and have no more babies over here.
[Laughter.]
stick with you 'cause Nothing's worse than being alone In spite of the heartaches - I'll have to suffer through - BILL: Dean! I'm empty! ADULT DEAN: This was it.
I'd finally gotten the call to the Big Leagues.
My hands were shaking nervously, but thankfully, that just helped mix the drink more.
Don't you care what they're doing out there? Why? They're grownups.
Everything they do is boring.
I could find someone else, but no one else ADULT DEAN: It took me many years to truly appreciate what our little talk did for me, but thanks to my mom and dad, I wouldn't grow up to be a person with his head buried in the sand like Keisa's dad, or countless others I'd encounter over the years.
Thanks to them, I'd grow up to be a tender, caring man, like Mama wanted.
And as it turned out, someone her future daughter-in-law - appreciated, too.
- And stick with you 'cause Nothing's worse than being alone