The Young Ones (1982) s01e03 Episode Script
Boring
Once in every lifetime Comes a love like this I need you, you need me Oh, my darling, can't you see? Darling, we're the Young Ones The Young Ones (RICK) Shouldn't be afraid To live Love There's a song to be sung 'Cause we may not be the Young Ones Very long Huh? I'll see you, Jimmy.
- I've got the seven of spades.
- You rat! I'm a mouse.
Ha-ha! (DANCE MUSIC) (COCK CROWS) (BANGING AND CRASHING) (NEIL) Morning has broken.
She loves me.
She loves me lots.
She loves me.
She loves me lots.
Well, I've finished the new car competition.
I'm gonna win a Ford Tippex.
It's easy, really.
All you've got to do is match up six famous noses with six famous bogeys.
Thought that'd shock you.
It's not true, 'cause then you've got to say in ten words what cornflakes mean to you, so I put: ''Cornflakes.
''Cornflakes.
''Cornflakes.
Cornflakes.
Cornflakes.
''Cornflakes.
Cornflakes.
Cornflakes.
Cornflakes.
'' Pathetic! - You'll never win, Vyvyan.
- Why not? There's only nine words.
Oh, yeah Cornflakes.
You'll still never win.
Nothing interesting ever happens to us.
- Stop being so boring, Rick.
- That's nice! That's very nice, coming from someone as boring as you! Can you two stop hassling each other? I'm getting bored of it.
Oh, dear me! Neil's getting bored.
Boring Neil's getting a taste of his own medicine.
Listen, we're overdoing the boredom motif in this conversation.
It's time to extend our vocabulary.
- All I said - Yeah, we heard and it was boring.
- We decided - YOU decided, Michael! Guys! Guys! Look at us, squabbling, bickering, like children.
What's happening to us? We never used to be like this.
Yes, we did.
He's right, we've always been like this.
Well, yes, I know, but But that's exactly my point.
Nothing ever changes, nothing ever happens to us.
Monopoly? Yes.
The Old Kent Road, that's mine.
Pay up! All right, I think the Mike Exchequer can handle a debt of £4.
Wouldn't it be amazing if all this money was real? That is the single most predictable and boring thing anybody could say whilst playing Monopoly! What about saying ''Vyvyan''? That's pretty boring! ''You have won second prize in a beauty contest, ''smash Rick over the head with the bank.
'' It did not say that, Vyvyan's cheating! No, that's exactly what it says.
In biro! In biro over the top of the print! But we changed the rules 'cause it's so boring! ''Congratulations, it's your birthday.
You may set fire to Rick's bed.
'' Good one! ''Get out of jail free.
Keep this card or stick it up Rick's bottom.
'' - Vyvyan, you've ruined the game! - I was bored! That's nothing.
Neil's so bored, he's gone to the garden to kill himself.
And it's his go! You're a spade.
I always call him that.
From Monopoly to the grave, the most interesting thing that ever happens to me is sneezing.
- I wish I was Magnus Magnusson.
- Hey, Neil! (MIKE) Monopoly passes the time at Christmas - .
.
but I'm not waiting that long.
- No, it's all right.
I'm just digging a grave.
I won't kill myself today, but .
.
it's just in case, y'know? (LAUGHTER AND EXCITEMENT, FUNFAIR MUSIC) Living in a world where nothing boring ever happens can be a real pisser! Sire, the man in the time machine has just returned with the actual video of the birth of Christ.
- Would you care to? - Not now, minion! Also, next door the Rolling Stones are making a new album, while two hippopotamus make love underneath the piano.
The King is bored shitless with interesting things, minion.
And so am I.
What I want is to meet someone who is totally and utterly mind-numbingly boring.
But I suppose I never will.
(DEEP MELANCHOLY SIGH) I suppose it's because I'm so boring that I never get to meet any interesting people.
So you've decided to come in, Neil.
We finished Monopoly, and you lost! Oh, I'm amazed I lasted as long as I did.
(BANGING AT THE FRONT DOOR) - Someone at the door, Rick.
- Someone at the door, Vyvyan.
- Someone at the door, Neil.
- Someone at the door, Mike.
I know! (HARDER BANGING AT THE DOOR) - Someone at the door, Rick! - Someone at the door, Vyvyan! - Someone at the door, Mike! - Someone at the door, Neil? Don't look at me, I'm in Paris.
- You haven't left the house all day.
- You ever heard of cloning? - No! - Would you swear to that? Certainly, if that's what you want.
Big jobs! Ow! (MORE BANGING) Hey, guys.
Great idea, listen.
Listen, why don't we decide who's gonna answer the door, and then that person can go and answer it, and find out who it is and who they want to see, come back in here and tell whoever it is that there's someone to see them.
- Neil, do me a favour.
- What? Die! I suppose I'll have to answer it as usual.
All right? Somebody call a taxi? Billy Balowski! Who needs pleasure? - Hello, Billy.
How are the trees? - Who called a taxi? You got a message from Mr Balowski? - I'm Mr Balowski! - No, your brother Jerzei's message.
Got a piece of paper.
Whoever called the taxi can have the message.
All right, all right I called a taxi.
Okey-dokey, where do you want to go? - I don't want to go anywhere! - Why did you call a taxi, then? I had to come all the way from Brazil for this! They'll stop my wages! Know how much I earn? I can't even afford new shoelaces! It's a good job you're not a taxi driver, then! - Good job I'm wearing Wellingtons! - Look! Just give us the note! - I'm thirsty.
- It's in the cupboard.
No, not the goldfish! (SLURPING NOISES) A-hem! Don't worry, goldfish everywhere! I'm in fact a stunt goldfish.
In fact, by the time this programme comes out, I'll be doing the new James Bond film.
So there's no need to write in.
Sure, they never read the letters anyway! (LOUD BELCH) Oh, hello, pussycat! Here's your Uncle Billy.
What you doing in a bucket? Come on, let's play Daleks! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! 'Ere, look, what am I now? Come on, quick, quick! A pain in the arse? No, I'm a hairbrush! OK, let's try another one.
'Ere we go.
What am I now? - Clinically insane? - No, Little House on the Prairie! - Billy - Sir Billy! - Sir Billy - Why don't you just go away? - 'Cause I got a message for you! - Then give it to us! - Doesn't he get excited? - Aaaargh! Right, this is the message.
I'll read it to you.
Are we ready, clocks? Righthang on! There's no words on this.
They must've fallen off.
No, it's all right, they're on the other side - Finders keepers, losers weepers! - Rick! I've not always been mad, but I was driven mad by the indifference of architects and council planners.
I live in a tower block, and there's a terrible noise problem.
There's no noise insulation, and there's always some bastard with a Yamaha home organ.
You're about to go to sleep, and you hear ''Roll out the barrel!'' (IMITATES ELECTRONIC ORGAN) The people who live upstairs, I can't understand what they're doing.
All I can hear is this weird noise.
It goes, ''Vroom, vroom! Blam, blam!'' ''Vroom, vroom! Blam, blam!'' It sounds like two elephants on a motorbike riding round while a seal bangs a kipper on the table.
I went upstairs to complain and was met by an elephant in a crash helmet! Standing behind was a seal going, ''What is it now, Ralph?'' Something cracked inside, and I thought I was a piece of sponge.
I started getting very depressed, and I just can't hold it down What does the note say, Mike? ''Dear boys, ''Don't let Billy near the goldfish bowl.
''Your friend and landlord, Jerzei Balowski.
'' There's no one there.
God, how boring! (ARTHUR BROWN) I am the god of hell-fire, I bring you fire - Would Mr Saunders like some cake? - Yes, please.
There we are, then.
- That looks nice, doesn't it? - Thank you.
- Anything wrong? - I can't reach it.
He can't reach it.
No problem.
- Look, it's spilt some! - Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
Who's a naughty boy? We'll have to get that cleaned up.
- Orgo? - Yes, Futma? - Ftumch! - Ftumch.
Pass me that can of lager.
Soon have it looking like a new pin.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah! - Brillo pad.
- Oh, no! No, please! - Let's give it some Barry Manilow.
- Oh, no! (MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES) It really gets off on Barry.
Orgo? Any news of your promotion? Oh, yeah I've got another ten souls to collect and then it's a cushy job in admin.
Mind you, it's taken me five millennia to get this far, 'cause no one summons you up to Earth with a name like Orgo.
People don't say Orgo by accident, do they? Oh, is it not loud enough for you? At least you're in with a chance.
Someone might say, ''Shall we go to the theatre or-go to the cinema?'' They might say, ''Shall we go shopping or-go?'' But no one ever says my name.
No one says Ftumch.
- Why couldn't I be called William? - I don't know.
'Ere, look at this.
- What's that? - Dunno.
Bloody hell! Bloody hell! No room for me on the sofa as usual.
I'll have to sit on the rickety chair.
Oh, goody gum drops! Just in time to watch ''Oh, Crikey'' on ITV.
Oh, Rick! We were watching ''Bastard Squad''.
Were you? Get off the sofa and turn it over, I don't mind.
Ohno, I've hurt my back.
What a shame! (WOMAN) No, that"ll be the vicarI Answer the door.
- Why can"t you? - I have my apron onI Ha-haI I"ll go and take it off while you answer the door.
RightI No, noI Oh, dear.
My trousers have fallen down.
Lucky the vicar didn"t see.
No, Biffo, noI Come here, you naughty boyI Biffo, hold still.
Biffo, come hereI - Oh, crikeyI - CrikeyI I can explain Oh, crikeyI Ha-ha! Fooled you! You fell right into my trap! - You can sit on the rickety chair.
- Yeah? Oh, yeah! I'll sit on the floor, if that's all right with you? Mike? Not in your way, am I? This is my favourite programme.
It'd be typical if it was interrupted by a news flash about a siege.
(ANNOUNCER) We interrupt this programme to bring you up-to-the-minute coverage of a siege in north London.
We join BBC"s reporter, Dan Prick, on the spot.
Dan A lunatic terrorist, a raving red, who crops up now we"ve stopped running the world, is now taking refuge in a slum dwelling, a place for squatters.
A police and army siege is now under way.
Oh, Christ! Boring! Now we get a shot of a street for the next four hours! Nothing ever happens in these things.
If it does, we don't get to see it.
Looks like something"s happening.
The police and army are moving in.
Right on! Rule Britannia! A tiny figure jumps over a gate.
Rule Britannia! (MACHINE GUN FIRE) They're dubbing that sound on! - Isn't that your car, Vyv? - No.
Mine's a yellow Ford Anglia with flames up the side.
That's a yellow Ford Anglia with flames.
But it's not mine, is it? God! That was a loud one.
Look, is anybody watching this? (REPORTER) That"s it.
Sorry about ""Bastard Squad"", but at least we got the mad coon, eh? Hey, guys! Why don't we eat? That'd be interesting, wouldn't it? Yes! Yes! Yes, eat, eat.
I wonder how many lentils I've eaten in my life.
- Four! - It must be more than that, Vyv.
Lentils are really good.
No matter how often you have them, they never get boring.
Neil, that's our tea! You've just blown it up.
Well, I didn't do it on purpose.
We paid for that, 15p, pay up! But I haven't collected this week's money.
- That's hardly the point.
- But it was an accident.
I just looked at it, and it blew up, Rick.
There's still some on the wall.
Maybe we can save some.
I'll get some together for supper, then.
Let's do something.
We're bored stupid.
Ha-ha! Rick didn't have far to go! I knew you'd say that.
- That's a complete lie, you poof! - I knew you'd say that, too! You didn't know I'd do that, did you? All right, Vyvyan, I didn't know that.
We're bored stupid with nothing to eat.
The time has come for us to go down to the pub.
Darling carrot, could you ever love a cripple? No, I don't think so.
(''HOUSE OF FUN'' BY MADNESS) Good morning, Miss Can I help you, son? Sixteen today and up for fun I'm a big boy now or so they say So if you'll serve I'll be on my way Box of balloons With a featherlite touch Pack of party poppers That pop in the night A toothbrush and hairspray, Plastic grin Miss Clay on all corners Has just walked in Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age Welcome to the House of Fun Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way I tell you somewhere else I've never been.
- Where? - Down.
N-n-n-no, no, Miss You misunderstood Sixteen, big boy Full pint in my manhood I'm up to date and the date's today So if you'll serve I'll be on my way Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way Which one are we going to? - Down the Kebab.
- Doner kebab? I've already eaten.
Shut up! I'm sorry, son But we don't stock Party gimmicks in this shop Try the House of Fun It's quicker if you run This is a chemist Not a joke shop Party hats Simple enough, clear Comprehende, savvy, understand Do you hear? A pack of party hats With the coloured tips Too late Gorgon's heard gossip Well, hello, Joe Hello, Miss Clay Many happy returns from the day Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age Welcome to the House of Fun Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way Welcome to the House of Fun Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age Welcome to the House of (SINGER) Thank you.
- Is there a band on tonight? - No, no! (NEIL) Why not? (BAND ) Electricity.
On strike.
Heavy.
Do you know ''Summer Holiday'' by Cliff Richard? You hum it, I'll smash your face in.
I'll go and sit over there.
It's madness, isn't it? It's an embarrassment.
Just as I expected, totally boring! The service is terrible, too.
Waiter! Waiter! You, woman! Look, I stole some money from Rick's bedroom, so I'll get these.
- What would you like, Rick? - Coffee, please, Vyvyan.
This is a pub, they don't do coffee.
In that case, I don't want anything.
It's not clever to drink.
- I want to stay in control.
- Mike? - Water, Vyvyan.
In a straight glass.
- Uh-uh.
- Neil? - Just a bag of crisps, please, Vyv.
Not meat-flavoured, as I don't abuse my body and the world I live in.
OK, I want a pint of water in a straight glass, a bag of roast ox crisps, and mine's a Babycham.
- Hello, Vyvyan! - Ohhello, Mum.
Fancy seeing you here.
I didn't know you lived in London.
Yeah, yeah How's Dad? Honestly, I do wish you wouldn't ask me that.
You know I've absolutely no idea who he is.
Well, Vyvyan, you never said your mother was a bartender.
Well, she was a shoplifter when I knew her! She doesn't look strong enough.
To lift shops.
- That'll be £28.
50, Vyvyan.
- I've only got a fiver! I'll have the ring and the watch.
Ain't you gonna introduce me to your friends? This is a friend called Mike.
This is a friend called Neil.
That's a complete bastard I know called Rick.
He's just joshing, Mrs Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends.
Oh, he is a bastard, isn't he? Tell me, Mrs Vyvyan, why did you give him a girl's name? Come and tell me what you've been doing the last ten years.
- OK, Mum.
- Not you, zit face! - Him! - Hey, Vyv! Vyv! I should've stayed at home.
If you go down in the woods today You"re sure of a big surprise If you go down in the woods today You better go in disguise For every bear that ever there was Will gather there for certain because Today"s the day The teddy bears have their picnic Uurgh! Bloody hippie food! Coming, Mike, or still talking to the old bag about your herpes? Excuse me, Mrs Vyvyan.
- .
.
because you're conservative.
- I think pubs are bourgeois.
- Right-o, Mike.
- All right, let's go.
'Course, you see, I look at life like this - Why's that? Problems? - Yeah.
Had a heavy bust-up this morning with my lady.
WPC? Dunno, never could remember her name.
It's got a four in it, 'cause I remember surrounding one.
- Has it got a tail? - Yeah.
It's a ''Q'', yeah.
Pretty sure.
I've been going out 'kin years.
- How long? - 'Kin years.
Reckon if I played me cards right, I could've - Kneed her in the groin? - No, the other one.
- Slept with her? - Yeah.
I could've slept with her, if it wasn't for something I said.
Well, we had a row, and I said something about the Pope.
That's a bit stupid, she's Catholic.
I know she's Catholic.
I didn't know the Pope was.
It's a laugh, eh, innit? What? That noise you make in the back of your throat.
Yeah, that's a laugh.
Know what? There are now more tin cans than people.
Neil, wanna see my new trick? (NEIL CHANTS) - Mike, wanna see my new trick? - No, I'm busy with the paper.
- Rick? - No! I've got something more important to think about actually.
Look, watch my trick, you bastards, or I'll kill you! Brilliant, eh? Oh, dearwrong finger! Hey, Vyvyan! Vyvyan! I think you cut off one of your fingers! Hey, listen to this: ''Under the new ruling, ''all a student needs to qualify for an increased grant ''is anmkl pkjl ftumch from the local authority.
'' - What was that? - A nmkl pkjl ftumch.
Don't you ever read The Guardian, Neil? What's a ftumch? I've got three minutes.
Nah, it doesn't seem to make any sense.
Neil, have you just farted? I don't think so.
There's a horrible farty smell, and it's definitely not from my bottom! - Knickers! - It's worse than cattle's business! (RICK) That's better.
- Knackers! Was it you that farted, Mike? Who can tell, Neil? I'm a strange guy.
I'll deal with that spotty herbert later.
Look, a little girl.
Meditate on this! (CRACKLING ELECTRIC CURRENT) Hey! I just had a great idea! Why don't we go and see a film? Yes! Let's go and see a film.
Where's the local paper, Mike? In the local paper shop, where d'you think? Right! - Hey, Rick? - Yes? I'm just going down the local paper shop, OK? That's funny, I don't remember ramming a skewer into my head! I don't believe it! Ho-ho-ho! Ha-ha-ha! Well, Mr Sambo Darkie Coon, I've got your number, you're nicked! - Is anything the matter, officer? - Don't we talk lovely, Mr Rastas Chocolate Drop? I've done a weekend's training with the SAS.
I could pull your arms off without a trace of violence! - Lord Scarman need never know.
- What seems to be the trouble? That's white man's electricity you're burning! That's theft! I've got your number! Officer, I represent Kellogg's Cornflakes Car Competition.
Oh! Sorry, John.
I thought you was a nigger.
Sorry, sir.
Carry on! Hey, guess what, kid? You've won a new Ford Tippex.
(SATAN) Ftumch, your time is upI - I think you got the wrong house.
What a piece of luck! God! What a boring day! I went to the shop, but they didn't have a local paper.
They obviously don't come from this area, Neil.
Hey, guys, tomorrow .
.
why don't we, as just a suggestion, why don't we try going into college? Now, Neil, listen .
.
things may be bad, but there's no need to panic! No, I'll treat this problem like my mattress .
.
and sleep on it.
Goodnight.
(OWL HOOTS) (MUSIC: ''THE TEDDY BEARS' PICNIC'') (FATHER BEAR) Who's been gobbing in my lentils? (MOTHER AND BABY BEAR) Who's been gobbing in our lentils? (FATHER BEAR) Sod it! Let's go to MacDonald's.
(MOTHER AND BABY BEAR) Yes! (BABY BEAR) Hee-hee! Hee-hee! (ELECTRONIC PULSE)
- I've got the seven of spades.
- You rat! I'm a mouse.
Ha-ha! (DANCE MUSIC) (COCK CROWS) (BANGING AND CRASHING) (NEIL) Morning has broken.
She loves me.
She loves me lots.
She loves me.
She loves me lots.
Well, I've finished the new car competition.
I'm gonna win a Ford Tippex.
It's easy, really.
All you've got to do is match up six famous noses with six famous bogeys.
Thought that'd shock you.
It's not true, 'cause then you've got to say in ten words what cornflakes mean to you, so I put: ''Cornflakes.
''Cornflakes.
''Cornflakes.
Cornflakes.
Cornflakes.
''Cornflakes.
Cornflakes.
Cornflakes.
Cornflakes.
'' Pathetic! - You'll never win, Vyvyan.
- Why not? There's only nine words.
Oh, yeah Cornflakes.
You'll still never win.
Nothing interesting ever happens to us.
- Stop being so boring, Rick.
- That's nice! That's very nice, coming from someone as boring as you! Can you two stop hassling each other? I'm getting bored of it.
Oh, dear me! Neil's getting bored.
Boring Neil's getting a taste of his own medicine.
Listen, we're overdoing the boredom motif in this conversation.
It's time to extend our vocabulary.
- All I said - Yeah, we heard and it was boring.
- We decided - YOU decided, Michael! Guys! Guys! Look at us, squabbling, bickering, like children.
What's happening to us? We never used to be like this.
Yes, we did.
He's right, we've always been like this.
Well, yes, I know, but But that's exactly my point.
Nothing ever changes, nothing ever happens to us.
Monopoly? Yes.
The Old Kent Road, that's mine.
Pay up! All right, I think the Mike Exchequer can handle a debt of £4.
Wouldn't it be amazing if all this money was real? That is the single most predictable and boring thing anybody could say whilst playing Monopoly! What about saying ''Vyvyan''? That's pretty boring! ''You have won second prize in a beauty contest, ''smash Rick over the head with the bank.
'' It did not say that, Vyvyan's cheating! No, that's exactly what it says.
In biro! In biro over the top of the print! But we changed the rules 'cause it's so boring! ''Congratulations, it's your birthday.
You may set fire to Rick's bed.
'' Good one! ''Get out of jail free.
Keep this card or stick it up Rick's bottom.
'' - Vyvyan, you've ruined the game! - I was bored! That's nothing.
Neil's so bored, he's gone to the garden to kill himself.
And it's his go! You're a spade.
I always call him that.
From Monopoly to the grave, the most interesting thing that ever happens to me is sneezing.
- I wish I was Magnus Magnusson.
- Hey, Neil! (MIKE) Monopoly passes the time at Christmas - .
.
but I'm not waiting that long.
- No, it's all right.
I'm just digging a grave.
I won't kill myself today, but .
.
it's just in case, y'know? (LAUGHTER AND EXCITEMENT, FUNFAIR MUSIC) Living in a world where nothing boring ever happens can be a real pisser! Sire, the man in the time machine has just returned with the actual video of the birth of Christ.
- Would you care to? - Not now, minion! Also, next door the Rolling Stones are making a new album, while two hippopotamus make love underneath the piano.
The King is bored shitless with interesting things, minion.
And so am I.
What I want is to meet someone who is totally and utterly mind-numbingly boring.
But I suppose I never will.
(DEEP MELANCHOLY SIGH) I suppose it's because I'm so boring that I never get to meet any interesting people.
So you've decided to come in, Neil.
We finished Monopoly, and you lost! Oh, I'm amazed I lasted as long as I did.
(BANGING AT THE FRONT DOOR) - Someone at the door, Rick.
- Someone at the door, Vyvyan.
- Someone at the door, Neil.
- Someone at the door, Mike.
I know! (HARDER BANGING AT THE DOOR) - Someone at the door, Rick! - Someone at the door, Vyvyan! - Someone at the door, Mike! - Someone at the door, Neil? Don't look at me, I'm in Paris.
- You haven't left the house all day.
- You ever heard of cloning? - No! - Would you swear to that? Certainly, if that's what you want.
Big jobs! Ow! (MORE BANGING) Hey, guys.
Great idea, listen.
Listen, why don't we decide who's gonna answer the door, and then that person can go and answer it, and find out who it is and who they want to see, come back in here and tell whoever it is that there's someone to see them.
- Neil, do me a favour.
- What? Die! I suppose I'll have to answer it as usual.
All right? Somebody call a taxi? Billy Balowski! Who needs pleasure? - Hello, Billy.
How are the trees? - Who called a taxi? You got a message from Mr Balowski? - I'm Mr Balowski! - No, your brother Jerzei's message.
Got a piece of paper.
Whoever called the taxi can have the message.
All right, all right I called a taxi.
Okey-dokey, where do you want to go? - I don't want to go anywhere! - Why did you call a taxi, then? I had to come all the way from Brazil for this! They'll stop my wages! Know how much I earn? I can't even afford new shoelaces! It's a good job you're not a taxi driver, then! - Good job I'm wearing Wellingtons! - Look! Just give us the note! - I'm thirsty.
- It's in the cupboard.
No, not the goldfish! (SLURPING NOISES) A-hem! Don't worry, goldfish everywhere! I'm in fact a stunt goldfish.
In fact, by the time this programme comes out, I'll be doing the new James Bond film.
So there's no need to write in.
Sure, they never read the letters anyway! (LOUD BELCH) Oh, hello, pussycat! Here's your Uncle Billy.
What you doing in a bucket? Come on, let's play Daleks! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! 'Ere, look, what am I now? Come on, quick, quick! A pain in the arse? No, I'm a hairbrush! OK, let's try another one.
'Ere we go.
What am I now? - Clinically insane? - No, Little House on the Prairie! - Billy - Sir Billy! - Sir Billy - Why don't you just go away? - 'Cause I got a message for you! - Then give it to us! - Doesn't he get excited? - Aaaargh! Right, this is the message.
I'll read it to you.
Are we ready, clocks? Righthang on! There's no words on this.
They must've fallen off.
No, it's all right, they're on the other side - Finders keepers, losers weepers! - Rick! I've not always been mad, but I was driven mad by the indifference of architects and council planners.
I live in a tower block, and there's a terrible noise problem.
There's no noise insulation, and there's always some bastard with a Yamaha home organ.
You're about to go to sleep, and you hear ''Roll out the barrel!'' (IMITATES ELECTRONIC ORGAN) The people who live upstairs, I can't understand what they're doing.
All I can hear is this weird noise.
It goes, ''Vroom, vroom! Blam, blam!'' ''Vroom, vroom! Blam, blam!'' It sounds like two elephants on a motorbike riding round while a seal bangs a kipper on the table.
I went upstairs to complain and was met by an elephant in a crash helmet! Standing behind was a seal going, ''What is it now, Ralph?'' Something cracked inside, and I thought I was a piece of sponge.
I started getting very depressed, and I just can't hold it down What does the note say, Mike? ''Dear boys, ''Don't let Billy near the goldfish bowl.
''Your friend and landlord, Jerzei Balowski.
'' There's no one there.
God, how boring! (ARTHUR BROWN) I am the god of hell-fire, I bring you fire - Would Mr Saunders like some cake? - Yes, please.
There we are, then.
- That looks nice, doesn't it? - Thank you.
- Anything wrong? - I can't reach it.
He can't reach it.
No problem.
- Look, it's spilt some! - Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
Who's a naughty boy? We'll have to get that cleaned up.
- Orgo? - Yes, Futma? - Ftumch! - Ftumch.
Pass me that can of lager.
Soon have it looking like a new pin.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah! - Brillo pad.
- Oh, no! No, please! - Let's give it some Barry Manilow.
- Oh, no! (MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES) It really gets off on Barry.
Orgo? Any news of your promotion? Oh, yeah I've got another ten souls to collect and then it's a cushy job in admin.
Mind you, it's taken me five millennia to get this far, 'cause no one summons you up to Earth with a name like Orgo.
People don't say Orgo by accident, do they? Oh, is it not loud enough for you? At least you're in with a chance.
Someone might say, ''Shall we go to the theatre or-go to the cinema?'' They might say, ''Shall we go shopping or-go?'' But no one ever says my name.
No one says Ftumch.
- Why couldn't I be called William? - I don't know.
'Ere, look at this.
- What's that? - Dunno.
Bloody hell! Bloody hell! No room for me on the sofa as usual.
I'll have to sit on the rickety chair.
Oh, goody gum drops! Just in time to watch ''Oh, Crikey'' on ITV.
Oh, Rick! We were watching ''Bastard Squad''.
Were you? Get off the sofa and turn it over, I don't mind.
Ohno, I've hurt my back.
What a shame! (WOMAN) No, that"ll be the vicarI Answer the door.
- Why can"t you? - I have my apron onI Ha-haI I"ll go and take it off while you answer the door.
RightI No, noI Oh, dear.
My trousers have fallen down.
Lucky the vicar didn"t see.
No, Biffo, noI Come here, you naughty boyI Biffo, hold still.
Biffo, come hereI - Oh, crikeyI - CrikeyI I can explain Oh, crikeyI Ha-ha! Fooled you! You fell right into my trap! - You can sit on the rickety chair.
- Yeah? Oh, yeah! I'll sit on the floor, if that's all right with you? Mike? Not in your way, am I? This is my favourite programme.
It'd be typical if it was interrupted by a news flash about a siege.
(ANNOUNCER) We interrupt this programme to bring you up-to-the-minute coverage of a siege in north London.
We join BBC"s reporter, Dan Prick, on the spot.
Dan A lunatic terrorist, a raving red, who crops up now we"ve stopped running the world, is now taking refuge in a slum dwelling, a place for squatters.
A police and army siege is now under way.
Oh, Christ! Boring! Now we get a shot of a street for the next four hours! Nothing ever happens in these things.
If it does, we don't get to see it.
Looks like something"s happening.
The police and army are moving in.
Right on! Rule Britannia! A tiny figure jumps over a gate.
Rule Britannia! (MACHINE GUN FIRE) They're dubbing that sound on! - Isn't that your car, Vyv? - No.
Mine's a yellow Ford Anglia with flames up the side.
That's a yellow Ford Anglia with flames.
But it's not mine, is it? God! That was a loud one.
Look, is anybody watching this? (REPORTER) That"s it.
Sorry about ""Bastard Squad"", but at least we got the mad coon, eh? Hey, guys! Why don't we eat? That'd be interesting, wouldn't it? Yes! Yes! Yes, eat, eat.
I wonder how many lentils I've eaten in my life.
- Four! - It must be more than that, Vyv.
Lentils are really good.
No matter how often you have them, they never get boring.
Neil, that's our tea! You've just blown it up.
Well, I didn't do it on purpose.
We paid for that, 15p, pay up! But I haven't collected this week's money.
- That's hardly the point.
- But it was an accident.
I just looked at it, and it blew up, Rick.
There's still some on the wall.
Maybe we can save some.
I'll get some together for supper, then.
Let's do something.
We're bored stupid.
Ha-ha! Rick didn't have far to go! I knew you'd say that.
- That's a complete lie, you poof! - I knew you'd say that, too! You didn't know I'd do that, did you? All right, Vyvyan, I didn't know that.
We're bored stupid with nothing to eat.
The time has come for us to go down to the pub.
Darling carrot, could you ever love a cripple? No, I don't think so.
(''HOUSE OF FUN'' BY MADNESS) Good morning, Miss Can I help you, son? Sixteen today and up for fun I'm a big boy now or so they say So if you'll serve I'll be on my way Box of balloons With a featherlite touch Pack of party poppers That pop in the night A toothbrush and hairspray, Plastic grin Miss Clay on all corners Has just walked in Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age Welcome to the House of Fun Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way I tell you somewhere else I've never been.
- Where? - Down.
N-n-n-no, no, Miss You misunderstood Sixteen, big boy Full pint in my manhood I'm up to date and the date's today So if you'll serve I'll be on my way Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way Which one are we going to? - Down the Kebab.
- Doner kebab? I've already eaten.
Shut up! I'm sorry, son But we don't stock Party gimmicks in this shop Try the House of Fun It's quicker if you run This is a chemist Not a joke shop Party hats Simple enough, clear Comprehende, savvy, understand Do you hear? A pack of party hats With the coloured tips Too late Gorgon's heard gossip Well, hello, Joe Hello, Miss Clay Many happy returns from the day Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age Welcome to the House of Fun Welcome to the lion's den Temptation's on its way Welcome to the House of Fun Welcome to the House of Fun Now I've come of age Welcome to the House of (SINGER) Thank you.
- Is there a band on tonight? - No, no! (NEIL) Why not? (BAND ) Electricity.
On strike.
Heavy.
Do you know ''Summer Holiday'' by Cliff Richard? You hum it, I'll smash your face in.
I'll go and sit over there.
It's madness, isn't it? It's an embarrassment.
Just as I expected, totally boring! The service is terrible, too.
Waiter! Waiter! You, woman! Look, I stole some money from Rick's bedroom, so I'll get these.
- What would you like, Rick? - Coffee, please, Vyvyan.
This is a pub, they don't do coffee.
In that case, I don't want anything.
It's not clever to drink.
- I want to stay in control.
- Mike? - Water, Vyvyan.
In a straight glass.
- Uh-uh.
- Neil? - Just a bag of crisps, please, Vyv.
Not meat-flavoured, as I don't abuse my body and the world I live in.
OK, I want a pint of water in a straight glass, a bag of roast ox crisps, and mine's a Babycham.
- Hello, Vyvyan! - Ohhello, Mum.
Fancy seeing you here.
I didn't know you lived in London.
Yeah, yeah How's Dad? Honestly, I do wish you wouldn't ask me that.
You know I've absolutely no idea who he is.
Well, Vyvyan, you never said your mother was a bartender.
Well, she was a shoplifter when I knew her! She doesn't look strong enough.
To lift shops.
- That'll be £28.
50, Vyvyan.
- I've only got a fiver! I'll have the ring and the watch.
Ain't you gonna introduce me to your friends? This is a friend called Mike.
This is a friend called Neil.
That's a complete bastard I know called Rick.
He's just joshing, Mrs Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends.
Oh, he is a bastard, isn't he? Tell me, Mrs Vyvyan, why did you give him a girl's name? Come and tell me what you've been doing the last ten years.
- OK, Mum.
- Not you, zit face! - Him! - Hey, Vyv! Vyv! I should've stayed at home.
If you go down in the woods today You"re sure of a big surprise If you go down in the woods today You better go in disguise For every bear that ever there was Will gather there for certain because Today"s the day The teddy bears have their picnic Uurgh! Bloody hippie food! Coming, Mike, or still talking to the old bag about your herpes? Excuse me, Mrs Vyvyan.
- .
.
because you're conservative.
- I think pubs are bourgeois.
- Right-o, Mike.
- All right, let's go.
'Course, you see, I look at life like this - Why's that? Problems? - Yeah.
Had a heavy bust-up this morning with my lady.
WPC? Dunno, never could remember her name.
It's got a four in it, 'cause I remember surrounding one.
- Has it got a tail? - Yeah.
It's a ''Q'', yeah.
Pretty sure.
I've been going out 'kin years.
- How long? - 'Kin years.
Reckon if I played me cards right, I could've - Kneed her in the groin? - No, the other one.
- Slept with her? - Yeah.
I could've slept with her, if it wasn't for something I said.
Well, we had a row, and I said something about the Pope.
That's a bit stupid, she's Catholic.
I know she's Catholic.
I didn't know the Pope was.
It's a laugh, eh, innit? What? That noise you make in the back of your throat.
Yeah, that's a laugh.
Know what? There are now more tin cans than people.
Neil, wanna see my new trick? (NEIL CHANTS) - Mike, wanna see my new trick? - No, I'm busy with the paper.
- Rick? - No! I've got something more important to think about actually.
Look, watch my trick, you bastards, or I'll kill you! Brilliant, eh? Oh, dearwrong finger! Hey, Vyvyan! Vyvyan! I think you cut off one of your fingers! Hey, listen to this: ''Under the new ruling, ''all a student needs to qualify for an increased grant ''is anmkl pkjl ftumch from the local authority.
'' - What was that? - A nmkl pkjl ftumch.
Don't you ever read The Guardian, Neil? What's a ftumch? I've got three minutes.
Nah, it doesn't seem to make any sense.
Neil, have you just farted? I don't think so.
There's a horrible farty smell, and it's definitely not from my bottom! - Knickers! - It's worse than cattle's business! (RICK) That's better.
- Knackers! Was it you that farted, Mike? Who can tell, Neil? I'm a strange guy.
I'll deal with that spotty herbert later.
Look, a little girl.
Meditate on this! (CRACKLING ELECTRIC CURRENT) Hey! I just had a great idea! Why don't we go and see a film? Yes! Let's go and see a film.
Where's the local paper, Mike? In the local paper shop, where d'you think? Right! - Hey, Rick? - Yes? I'm just going down the local paper shop, OK? That's funny, I don't remember ramming a skewer into my head! I don't believe it! Ho-ho-ho! Ha-ha-ha! Well, Mr Sambo Darkie Coon, I've got your number, you're nicked! - Is anything the matter, officer? - Don't we talk lovely, Mr Rastas Chocolate Drop? I've done a weekend's training with the SAS.
I could pull your arms off without a trace of violence! - Lord Scarman need never know.
- What seems to be the trouble? That's white man's electricity you're burning! That's theft! I've got your number! Officer, I represent Kellogg's Cornflakes Car Competition.
Oh! Sorry, John.
I thought you was a nigger.
Sorry, sir.
Carry on! Hey, guess what, kid? You've won a new Ford Tippex.
(SATAN) Ftumch, your time is upI - I think you got the wrong house.
What a piece of luck! God! What a boring day! I went to the shop, but they didn't have a local paper.
They obviously don't come from this area, Neil.
Hey, guys, tomorrow .
.
why don't we, as just a suggestion, why don't we try going into college? Now, Neil, listen .
.
things may be bad, but there's no need to panic! No, I'll treat this problem like my mattress .
.
and sleep on it.
Goodnight.
(OWL HOOTS) (MUSIC: ''THE TEDDY BEARS' PICNIC'') (FATHER BEAR) Who's been gobbing in my lentils? (MOTHER AND BABY BEAR) Who's been gobbing in our lentils? (FATHER BEAR) Sod it! Let's go to MacDonald's.
(MOTHER AND BABY BEAR) Yes! (BABY BEAR) Hee-hee! Hee-hee! (ELECTRONIC PULSE)