There's... Johnny! (2017) s01e03 Episode Script

1 - You're 100% sure? - Yes! - You didn't maybe misread it? - Misread it? It said "writers' contracts being renewed": you, me, Alan, and then under that, it goes, "writers' contracts not being renewed" Mitch.
- Jesus.
- I know.
What're we gonna do? Are you gonna tell him? No, no, I don't know, no.
No, no, no.
Not yet.
We got a couple of weeks still.
Okay, yeah, you're the boss, but what do we do in the meantime? Laugh at his jokes louder? Here it is.
Ta-da.
- This is your office? - Yep.
I don't know what my job is here yet, and I really love it.
It's just very cozy.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, it's Ooh, who is this? That's she's just some girl from my high school.
I didn't really even know her.
She won a beauty contest or something.
Miss Cherry County? Well, that's the county that I'm-that I'm from.
- Is Cherry County? - Yeah.
You've got to be shittin' me.
Chrissy-Ann Aldean.
Mm, mm, mm.
So you got yourself a little taste of that? - Me? - Oh, yeah.
No! No, no, no.
Chrissy-Ann is she's a bit out of my league.
She sent you a picture of herself.
Oh, well, actually, my mom sent it to me.
She sends me local clippings of the news and you know, what's happening.
"Oh, the neighbor's truck died.
" Stuff like that.
Oh, I'm sure you get goofy letters from your parents, right? My father left when I was eight months old, man.
Haven't seen him since.
Don't know where he is, and don't give a shit where he is.
My mother lives in St.
Louis with a guy who she swears is not a pimp.
Even if he's not, I've never met a fucking businessman that wears eight gold chains and a fucking feathered hat, but hey, guess what? It's not my fucking problem.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
I'm fucking with you, man.
- Yeah, I should get going.
- Oh.
Whoo! - Hey, come on, man.
- Whoo! For a second there, I-I actually believed you.
Just so you know, I wasn't joking, so don't bring that shit up again, all right? Okay.
That's twice.
I'm messing with you, Andy.
Come on, man.
No, that shit is true, though.
Do you have a minute? Mm.
For you, my darling, always.
Please, sit.
- I'll stand.
- As you wish.
"MS.
" - Hmm? - Your magazine.
MS.
My wife's cousin has it.
Terrible disease.
I'm glad they're finally writing about it.
It's not "MS.
" It's "Ms.
" - Huh? - If you're not a "Mrs.
," but you don't want to say "Miss," you just say "Ms.
" It's new.
The reason I wanted to talk to you I just got this week's paycheck.
Wonderful.
Except I didn't get my paycheck.
I got Tom Donahue's check.
So give it back.
Get yours.
Here's the thing.
Tom has the same job and the same responsibilities as me.
Yes? But apparently, he's making twice as much as I am.
Yes? You know, frankly, I would have expected a bit more gratitude from you.
This is quite a big job for a gal for your age.
Yes, it is, and I think I do it very well, which is why this is very unfair.
It's what? - It's not fair.
- Ha.
Sweet child.
This has nothing to do with fairness.
The simple fact is that men need a greater renumeration to provide for their families.
Tom isn't even married.
Exactly, heh.
Roz! Roz, the boss need me? I'm sure he does.
Listen, what I'll do is I'll take your demand - Request.
- I'll take your request under advisement, okay? Does that seem fair? Yeah.
I guess.
[knocking.]
Ah, Mr.
Donahue.
We were just speaking about you.
Carry on.
Coming, Roz.
I think they gave me your paycheck by mistake.
[funky music.]
[loud bang.]
Hello? Who is that? Klavin? No.
Yeah.
Yeah? What're you doing in there? Beating the bishop? No, no.
What happened to your eye? Basketball game.
Took an elbow, you know? You should see the other guy oof.
So, what were you doing in there? Choking the Cyclops? No, no, I wasn't choking anything.
Mangling the midget? Chucking custard? I wasn't chucking anything.
- No? - No.
Firing off some knuckle kids? - I'm not married.
- No? Not at all? Hey! Were you liquidating your account? Why don't we worry about tonight's monologue? Weather.
What about weather? We can use a couple strong ones up top about the rain.
Okay rain.
Lot of rain here in Los Angeles.
Been terrible rain.
You know, the rain is so bad How bad is it? That's where I'm stuck.
That's where I'm stuck.
Great.
How about politics? We got Vietnam.
There's bombing and napalm and civilian casualties.
Man, it'd be great if war was funnier.
Here you go.
North Vietnamese negotiator Le Duc Tho met today with Okay.
What does Donald Duck's wife do when his cock falls off? Lay Duck's toe.
Quack, quack, motherfuckers.
That's that's funny.
That's funny.
That's It is actually not bad.
- It's gold.
- It's [telephone ringing.]
Fuck's it matter anyway? Hello? Yeah, this is him.
Nice.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
Alan.
Huh? Here you are.
Buttons all fixed, and I steamed it free of charge.
Oh, thank you, Angelo.
You are a prince.
Oh, my God.
I'm going to the theater tonight.
"Pippin.
" With a girl.
Supposed to be great.
Yeah.
My wife and I saw it a few weeks ago.
It is fantastic.
Yeah, no, I meant the girl.
Supposed to be great.
Yeah.
You know, I mean, we'll see.
The important thing is, this jacket is nicely steamed.
That is great, Angelo, thanks.
So great.
All right.
Aw.
Ouch.
What happened to you? Too much rough sex? In your dreams, kiddo.
No.
Glass door.
Walked right into it.
Ah.
Again? No.
Not again.
Last time, it was a kitchen cabinet door.
Ah, okay, well be careful.
What the fuck? What? What do you mean, "what"? What was that look he gave me? I didn't see a look.
Why the fuck is he so concerned about my face? He's Angelo.
He's a sweet guy.
Yeah, a little too sweet if you ask me.
Wow.
Somebody woke up on the wrong side of his own fist this morning.
Well, we got it.
[clears throat.]
We got the house! Hey, all right.
Toluca Lake, right? Toluca Lake.
Two-thirds of an acre two-thirds of an acre.
We're right next door to where James Garner lived three houses ago.
We're right across the street from one of the kids from the Partridge Family.
The little guy, he lives there.
Wow, he has his own house? It's his family's house, Alan, but he lives there! The kid lives across the street from me! Is this the house you said was, like, way too expensive? Yes.
[laughs.]
My wife really liked it, though.
You know what the best part about marriage is? No, I'm asking, 'cause I can't think of a fucking thing.
[laughs.]
Okay, listen.
In anticipation of a celebration, I actually planned an adventure for us, all of us.
It's off-campus, and it's for right now, so who's in? - Sure.
- Okay.
- Sweet.
- Sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah? Okay! Oh, Andy Klavin! You're coming with us! Yeah, bring the kid.
Great.
Where? You'll find out! John Denver not available till July? How is that possible? Hey, where're you guys going? Hey, we're gonna [hems and haws.]
All right.
All right.
For you.
This is Joy.
When? A helicopter? Have you ever been on a helicopter? Never.
Pretty much like being on a plane.
Ooh.
- You ever been on a plane? - Never.
Perfect.
Hello? Baby! Come! Come here.
Come here.
Aw.
You look so great.
How are you? I'm okay.
How are you? Oh, I'm fine.
Please, I'm fine.
Bernie, look who's here.
I see.
I see.
Hi, baby.
Thanks for coming so fast.
Of course.
So What happened? Nothing happened.
I mean, I took one or two too many pills, I mean, you know, by accident.
- This is so great! - [laughs.]
There's the Hollywood sign! Hey, little known fact: the guy who made that sign was actually illiterate.
Yeah, it was supposed to say "Welcome to Chula Vista.
" [laughter.]
Funny! Funny! Fuck is wrong with you guys? It's funny! All right, it's not that funny, relax.
Wait until my parents hear about this! Actually Wait till your parents hear about this.
You're about to find out why they call it a cockpit.
Come here, baby.
Come here.
Hi.
Come on in.
[laughs.]
She scared the life out of me, your mother.
A bottle and a half of pills.
Thank God I walked in when I did.
She left a note.
You know what she wrote? "I blame him"? - Hey.
- No? That's a terrible thing to say.
Am I a perfect person? No.
I'm not a perfect person.
But blaming me for your mother's illness? Whose fault is it that she started taking pills in the first place or drinking like that, huh? Who fucked around and broke her heart? You know what? You're a smart girl, but you don't know everything.
I know plenty.
When did this happen, huh? You were such a happy little girl.
All right, darling! It's almost time! Is this Toluca Lake? Yeah.
Jesus, Jim Oh, there it is! It's one street over! It's the second to the last house.
- Pink roof.
- Attaboy, Jimbo! Oh, you see that one with the slate roof right there? Sandy Duncan.
Okay, great, all right.
Let's swing to the left a little.
Little bit more to the left! Great, great, great.
Over the deck.
Yeah, hover, hover.
[zipper whirs.]
You may commence! He's been under a lot of stress! Gentlemen, until you have received fellatio 1,200 feet above real estate that you own, you have not fully lived! Parts of this experience are making me uncomfortable! [laughs.]
Alan! Alan! Alan! You look so beautiful.
You are the beauty.
Can I say something? Anything.
I just want to say that I am so, so sorry for anything I did or didn't do to make you Never.
Never.
Can you just let me finish? I need to get this out.
It's been hurting my stomach forever.
[sighs.]
I feel like I made your life harder than it already was, and it makes me feel so Shh.
No.
Never.
You brought nothing but joy.
Where do you think we got the name from? I'm gonna get something to eat.
Anyone want anything? No.
How sweet of you, Bernie.
Why don't you get her a sandwich? You look a little thin.
Sandwich.
I don't like when you talk to your father like that.
- It's not good for you.
- I'm sorry, but What if they don't have a sandwich? You-you want a salad? I don't want anything.
Honey, that's so sweet.
Why don't you just get her a salad, and then she can eat it or not eat it? I'll get the salad.
- [door shuffles.]
- You fucking idiot.
[laughing.]
Oh, my God.
What? I'm sorry.
Your dad is a shit.
Maybe it's my meditation.
My meditation! My medication.
It must be my medication.
No.
Mom I don't disagree.
But then why? Why? Why am I nice to him? Because to call him a son of a bitch to his face, I mean, for what? What does that accomplish? He knows what he's done.
He knows who he is.
Yeah.
You know You plan certain things about your life, but plans don't always work out.
But if you're lucky, you maybe can get what you need.
Now, come here.
How you get it, that's up to you.
How much do you feel you want to fight for it? How much sacrifice? How much you can take before enough is enough.
This is what we all figure out.
Everybody's different.
But you You're smarter.
You're better.
I don't have any worries for you.
I hate being a grownup.
Me too.
Did you see the Miss America paging the other night? - Yeah.
- No! - [laughter.]
- Ah.
Any girl who would spend a weekend in Atlantic City with Bert Parks - I don't want to represent my country.
- [laughter.]
No, I'm just kidding.
Ho-ho! [laughing.]
Well, well, well.
Look who's back.
You're all fired.
I don't even want to know.
You really don't.
Not too good looking girls in that contest.
I won't say let me how not good looking, okay? I won't mention which one, but one of 'em, right after the contest, got a job jumping off a pier in Atlantic City.
Hey, where's the kid? He was just here.
[funky music.]
- Klavin! - What? Your girlfriend's looking for you.
You know, you could've had this taken care of by a qualified professional like the gentlemen among us did, okay? No, I I get it.
You got your scruples.
Your morals.
No, it-it-it's not that.
You know what, you're probably right.
You're better off coming in here clearing your snorkel, bopping your baloney, you know, fiddling your flesh flute, paddling your pickle.
I could do this all day.
Burp the baby.
Badger the witness.
Shake hands with the unemployed.
No, no, no.
In all seriousness, serve up some stomach pancakes.
Okay? Flog the dolphin.
Beef stroganoff.
Go fly fishing! What was it then where the tiara slipped and Oh, that was in the Miss California contest.
I won Miss Congeniality.
Would you enter a beauty contest again if you Now? No.
No.
Yeah, 'cause women's liberation now.
- The feminists are very - Oh, yeah.
Anti-beauty contest in any form because they think it's exploiting women in the bathing suits.
Well, it does.
It is kind of a cattle-type thing.
A helicopter? Yeah, we thought it would be fun.
A helicopter? Yeah, but I-I didn't do anything with the hooker.
Also, there was a hooker.
[applause.]
So I go to one class.
They asked one kid to prove the law of gravity.
You know, he threw the teacher out the window.
Bastard.
[laughter.]
Well, the only public school I know, the school newspaper has an obituary column.
Tuck your shirt in.
- Men.
- Not even.
Well, I have a crazy doctor.
I told you he told me to keep smoking if I wanted to stop chewing gum, so.
[laughter.]
- [loud bang.]
- You've got to be kidding me! Hey! I want to talk to you.
Joy? You can't - Yeah, yeah, look - You can't just Wash your hands.
Look.
I know you didn't know what you were getting into today, and I know you didn't do anything.
- I didn't.
- I understand.
But listen to me.
A lot of the guys around here are assholes, and if you behave like them, you're going to become an asshole too.
Now, maybe it's unavoidable.
Maybe all boys start off nice and just biologically turn into assholes.
I don't know, but I hope not, and the only reason I'm telling you this is because I think that you're still on the nice side, I think, but we all have to make choices, hmm? And you can choose to be respectful of women.
Or you can disrespectful.
It's up to you.
And Now, it's gonna be really hard for you, here, because these guys are gonna be all over you, tempting you, like in that cartoon, you know, the little devil on your shoulder.
"Come on, Andy.
Come with us, Andy.
Be an asshole.
It'll be fun.
" But I swear to God, I'm telling you: I'm gonna be on your other shoulder, saying, "Don't do it, Andy.
Don't you become an asshole.
" I'm gonna help you, okay? I'm gonna mold you.
And someday, you're gonna marry a really nice, intelligent woman, and you're gonna thank me and she's gonna thank me.
Okay? Okay.
Oh, your, um - Oh.
It's my shirt.
- Sure.
[groans.]
Oh, you can go in now.
Thank you.
Flagpole fondue.
Ms.
Joy? That was a first-rate show.
Yeah, I thought it was good.
Yeah.
Hey, listen.
About your request.
I've had some fruitful conversations, and I thought you'd like to know that as of Friday, your paycheck will reflect a substantial increase, your salary, then, equaling exactly that of your colleague, Mr.
Donahue.
- Wow.
- I thought you'd be pleased.
No.
I am, I'm just Wow.
- [chuckles.]
- Okay.
Thank you.
I'm just I'm just surprised, that's all.
You surprised me.
When you're right, you're right.
Let's consider it one small step for women and one giant leap for whatever the end of that would be.
Thank you, Freddie.
Not at all, kiddo.
[telephone ringing distantly.]
- This is Joy.
- This is Joy's father.
I just called to let you know Mommy's asleep.
She had a good night.
Oh, well, that's good.
Yeah.
So, how's about you? How's everything at work? Good, actually.
Yeah, I got a raise today.
Ha-ha! That's terrific, honey.
That's great.
That's my girl.
You called him? Freddie and I have been friends for years.
I call him all the time.
Jesus, Dad! Come on.
It came up in conversation.
He mentioned you were all upset about the salary thing, so I told him, "Just give her the goddamn raise.
" I mean, what, I'm not gonna take care of my daughter? I don't need you to take care of me! How do you think that makes me look? Like a girl whose father loves her! I'm confused.
Now you don't want the raise? No, not if it's because you're doing my father a favor, I don't.
I want it because I deserve it.
- You do deserve it.
- Well, I know that.
- And I know that too.
- You say that, but I'm not just saying.
I'm also giving.
I'm giving you the raise that you asked for.
And I am saying thank you, but no, thank you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, so no raise? Not like this, no.
See you tomorrow.
- Women, huh? - I know, right? [blow lands.]
Again.
Again.
[mellow rock music.]
- Come on.
- Jesus.
Come on.
[zipper whirs, belt rustling.]