Thirtysomething (1987) s01e03 Episode Script
Housewarming
1 Oh, they are in here.
I am telling you, they are in here.
Oh, I'm going out of my mind.
They are in here.
Honey, relax.
They are in there.
Okay.
Okay.
I moved out of the dorm.
And I know they were up on 12th Street, because Gary threw spaghetti on them.
And then Linda she didn't want them on Rittenhouse, so What is that? No.
Give me that.
You cannot read that.
The Girl With the Kool-Aid Soul, a Novel in Verse by Michael J.
Steadman.
Give me that.
That should be burned.
Oh, I need these posters.
You didn't want them on 21st Street.
So I remember packing them with the extra copies of "The People's Flame.
" I'm so glad we kept the extra copies of "The People's Flame.
" When was the last time you considered the need for artistic expression by the downtrodden workers? I was discussing that yesterday with Janey, right after Mister Rogers.
See, you have no recollection of these posters, and you have no sense of history.
You're just a running-dog lackey of the imperialist warmongers.
Ha.
Here they are.
Look at this.
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
Where are the others? I had a whole set.
What did you do with the others? Look, all I have is a Jefferson Airplane? No.
I had Hendrix.
I had two Hendrixes.
I had Joplin.
I had Moby Grape.
Now where are they? I didn't do anything with them.
Oh, it is this house.
It eats things.
We moved into this house in November.
We are still in boxes.
So let's unpack.
We can't unpack them until we finish this wall.
- So finish the wall.
- We can't finish the wall until we figure out what we're gonna do with the room.
So figure out what you're gonna do with the room.
Okay.
You know what we're gonna have to do, because let's face it, we're never gonna do it until something forces us to.
I don't think I want to hear this.
What we need is something that makes us so humiliated and ashamed that it forces us to get it in shape.
I am not hearing this.
It doesn't have to be big.
I swear to you.
You want to have the "H" word? Just an informal gathering of our 600 closest friends.
Okay, I can do this.
I mean, people expect that when you move into a house, you're gonna have a housewarming party.
Honey, it's just that I thought that we could wait until Janey was old enough to Pay for it? Murray Froehlich? Definitely.
He's five minutes from becoming a V.
P.
over there.
Plus his wife is cute.
- Uh, Mark Rossner.
- I don't like him.
- You like him? - No, but we gotta invite him.
Everybody says he's the next us three years from now.
That's true.
I don't like us, either.
Steve Ma Man Marn What? - Mark Mark Markowitz.
- Markowitz.
You do it.
I'm not doing it.
You do it.
- You hired her.
- That's 'cause you thought she was cute.
She's hopeless.
Only about spelling and typing and phone numbers.
Chad Kaufman.
- Pass.
- Pass.
- Katie Broyalls.
- Katie Broyalls.
Katie Broyalls, Katie Broyalls.
You know she won that big design award, whatever they call it? I gave her her first job.
She won't even return my calls.
Wait a minute.
She goes out with that monster guy.
Wynan Scott.
What's his name Jerry Stahl.
What about Jerry Stahl? Jerry Stahl.
Mr.
Big Deal Genius.
Did the disappearing whale commercial? You know him? I don't know him.
Everybody knows him.
He's Jerry Stahl.
So if he goes out with her, does that mean he's coming? Unless he's washing his hair that night.
You know this guy.
Uh, the guys about the, uh, - what do you call it? - What? They're here.
They guys about the you know.
The the whosey-what.
The back stage.
The sound stage.
Oh.
Thank you, Janine.
Why don't you tell him we'll be right there? Say good night, Janine.
I'm not renting a sound stage.
Wonderful.
That's great.
We'll bring the film crew in here.
You and I can move in the bathroom.
We can literally watch our lives go down the toilet.
Yeah, it's an archway.
The question is, can it not be an archway? It can probably not be anything you want it to be, - assuming, uh - Assuming? Well, assuming we can keep the second floor up on the second floor.
- Huh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, there.
What's your name? Say, "I'm Janey.
" So is it terrible? No.
Nah.
It's quite a house.
He says it's in worse shape than we thought it was.
I didn't think that was possible.
Here you go, sweetie.
I always thought, you know, 'cause I used to do stuff like this, not professionally or anything, but, well, I used to build beds for people in college, and I always thought I could do this.
'Cause we really love it here, and I think it has a lot of potential, you know.
And if I weren't too involved with my work, and You think it has a lot of potential, or are we totally stupid? No, no.
It's a very cool house.
I mean, I'd have bought it myself, if I had the money to put into it.
Okay, so let's see what we got.
You wanna you wanna lose all this stuff, and you wanna replace it with some elegant wall-covering-like paneling, but not like a lawyer's office, because that would be too stuffy.
And you want built-in shelves over here, and you want to make this archway dead.
Hmm.
Now do you think maybe we should, uh, put a built-in thing over here, too? You know, like, maybe for the TV? What's wrong with the TV on the counter? I don't know.
It's not very, uh Not very Elegant? I don't know.
I think if you put built-in shelves over there, too, you start not having enough room here in the middle, especially if you ever want to put a table here.
But we probably wouldn't want to put a table there.
You eat breakfast in the kitchen? Yeah.
Fine.
So put built-in shelves over there, too.
- It'll look great.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Hey, do an estimate for either way.
- I can do that.
- Okay.
Good.
This is gonna be great.
Oh, you know, I always imagined a room like this.
You know, the sun streaming in, and the paneled walls.
Oh, this is gonna be great.
$5,346 for a breakfast room? Is this guy out of his mind? Sell the baby.
We've waited this long.
We can wait $5,000 longer.
Mikey's moping.
I'm not moping.
I'm sulking.
Oh, honey.
Mmm.
I know.
You want everything to be really nice and beautiful for the housewarming, so that all your business friends, who you don't really like, will be really impressed.
Exactly.
Can't we find a simpler solution? You know, more like an intermediate idea? - A compromise approach.
- Cheaper.
No, no, it's okay.
It's okay.
All the people come, and they'll rip their clothes on the nails, and they'll say "What's that mildew smell?" They'll lose all respect for me, and I'll go bankrupt.
I can handle that.
Well, maybe you could think of it as this really big opportunity.
Like, you could paint the walls with these huge, puffy clouds, And you could hang this really huge parachute down from the ceiling.
Mikey, why are you getting so worried? Think about Grandpa Morrie.
He never worried.
He lived his life.
He didn't take any crap from anybody.
Right.
He was full of wisdom, which was very useful for people living in Kiev in 1912.
Who's coming to this extravaganza, anyway? You know who's gonna be there.
Acquaintances.
All the people you say you're gonna get together with and never do.
All the people that had you to some horrible dinner, and now you owe them, but you don't want to see them alone.
All the people that are cooler than you, and you wish they would be your friend, so you invite them over, and hope that they'll invite you back.
Acquaintances.
Name names.
Tony Valani, Ray Godshaw, Jerry Stahl, Marcy Madelman, Linda Louwe.
I don't even know these people, and they're boring.
So don't come.
Save me $6 in hors d'oeuvres.
We used to do this.
I know.
All the time.
Mmm.
We should still do it all the time.
Mmm.
I'm ready.
Oh, we'll probably do it again.
All the time, I mean.
I think we will.
Well, that's really neat.
I mean, I think you're okay.
I don't mind you too much.
I could stick around here for a while.
You think I'm okay? Yeah, I think you're, like, really an okay person with very limited bad qualities.
Thank you.
Which makes it hard to understand how you could have ever gone out with Jerry Stahl.
I didn't go out with Jerry Stahl.
I had a stupid, self-destructive, extended physical encounter with Jerry Stahl.
It was eight years ago.
I didn't even know you then.
You wouldn't have had a self-destructive, extended physical encounter with me.
Why would I want to? You're the most wonderful person I've ever met.
You are sweet and good and true.
And I love you.
Sweet? I'm going to sleep now, completely satisfied.
Good night.
Sweet? Good morning, good morning, the little birds say.
Hi.
Is she all right? Yeah.
She's just teething.
Okay.
What we're saying is we cover this disgusting wall stuff with cheap new wallboard, throw some paint on it.
I'm not upset.
- You're not? - No, I'm depressed.
- About wallboard? - No, I'm upset about wallboard.
I'm depressed about the impossibility of ever having anything in your life exactly the way it's supposed to be.
But Janey's the way she's supposed to be, huh? Aren't you? Yeah.
What's that, Boo-Boo? What? Tell me, tell me, tell me.
Are you gonna do that incredibly cute thing? Michael, look at this.
She started this yesterday.
Look.
No, you're not gonna show him? Come on.
- Honey.
- Hmm? This is a great house.
We're gonna be very happy here.
All of us.
Anyway, I like the arch.
It's an honest arch.
Arches are very important in history, Janey.
They were invented by the Romans.
Oh, we hate the Romans, don't we, Janey? They persecuted Daddy's ancestors.
Oh, yeah, don't cry about those Romans.
Oh.
But that's okay, Janey.
That's okay, because Mommy's ancestors came down from the North, and we pillaged those nasty Romans.
I knew there was a reason why I loved your mommy.
Bye, sweetie.
I hope you feel better.
Bye.
- Have a fun day.
- Thank you.
Hey, Hope, I found that thing.
That, uh, that melon baller.
Hope? You home? We're in hiding.
- The forces of darkness have descended and are - What? We're under attack.
Michael finally decided to do something about the breakfast room.
Oh, yeah? Let me see.
Hi.
Hi.
- Don't sit there.
All that dust.
- Oh.
Fine dust everywhere.
In the cupboards, in my daughter's hair, in our food.
Dust everywhere.
Looks like fun.
Oh, yeah? Well, go ahead.
Take a few licks.
- Get your aggressions out.
- Oh, no, thanks.
I need more than that to get my aggressions out.
I got just the thing for you.
Great.
We're out of here.
Oh.
Bye.
Bye.
I'm staying here today.
You can go to work.
- What? - He's so cute.
- What? - He's so Cute! He is.
Didn't you notice? I'm having trouble seeing through the dust.
You didn't notice? I can't believe you didn't notice.
Wait.
Watch her.
I just need, um um, a whisk.
What's that? It's a whisk.
He is cute.
I can't believe I didn't notice.
Isn't he? So what do we do about it? What do you mean, we, paleface? If you want to do something about it, you go in there and do something about it.
What do I do? Go in there and start talking about tools? Equipment? You're not even gonna go in there and talk.
You're such a coward.
Tell me one time at Beach Haven you ever went up to a lifeguard.
I'm still working on it.
Oh, what's the use? We'd go out for two weeks.
He'd have these great, strong arms.
We'd get all sweaty.
Then he'd get intimidated because I make more money than he does.
I don't know.
You should see what he charges.
Hello! Hello! Hello! You sure this is big enough? I see rice paddies.
I see helicopters in the distance.
I see Meryl Streep as the simple peasant girl.
"You American, soldier?" "You buy my baskets?" Elliot.
Elliot, you could shoot Lawrence of Arabia in here.
We're doing a local TV spot for an onion dicer.
It slices.
It dices.
Mike, we're in the commercial biz.
Now we got clients to impress.
Okay, okay.
It is impressive.
Jerry Stahl would be impressed by this.
What's Jerry Stahl have to do with this? Nothing.
I'm just saying he'd be impressed by this.
You know, he's supposed to be so brilliant.
Nah, he'd work with George Lucas and design some special laser technology and win about a hundred Clios.
You know, I'm a little sick of hearing about Jerry Stahl.
- What's so whopping great about Jerry Stahl? - You brought it up.
Uh, it's 3:00.
And? The Kramer brothers are here.
Back at the office, waiting.
We have a 3:00 appointment with the Kramer brothers? Since when? Since Monday.
I told you.
Janine.
I didn't tell you.
Janine.
Well, I meant to tell you.
Doesn't that count? Well, it's still okay.
We're just down the block.
You're still not late or anything.
Thank you.
Why don't you go back and tell the Kramer brothers that we will be right there? - "I forgot.
" - Blunt instrument.
You know, you should have gotten rid of her like I told you.
Jerry Stahl would have got rid of her.
It's come to this? It's only a little chart.
How many variables are there in this particular chart? Do you really want to know, or are you just making fun of me? Both.
Okay.
We've got money coming in.
That's green.
And we have household expenses.
Monthly, that's blue.
Weekly, that's purple.
Additional money for the breakfast room, that's red.
Ha ha.
Insurance, mortgage, government extortion, charitable guilt, auto usury, general upkeep on our house.
Ha ha.
Travel, ha.
Leisure, ha ha.
And a new car, which I don't need, and I can't justify spending any money on.
Ha ha ha ha.
You seem a little tense, honey.
Try and get some sleep.
Lower.
Lower.
Lock it off.
So, Mike, after we shoot this commercial, we can really expand.
I mean, think about it.
Roll camera.
Speed.
Action.
Psst.
Hey, Mike, Mike.
If I can't have the revolution, might as well have a great breakfast room.
Uh, did I mention to you that you were supposed to hand in that proposal by 3:00 this morning? Hope? What is it, darling? Jerry.
You paid how much for this dump? Is he in the closet? No, that's the monkey! Can you say monkey? Of course not.
Even though Mommy vowed she'd never push you All right.
I admit it.
I can't help it.
She's totally brilliant.
Can she get a job? Does she cater? What good are you? Where'd you get the shirt? Bought it.
When? You never tell me anything anymore.
I bought it last week when the collar wore through on my 15-year-old Brooks Brothers button down.
You actually went out into the real world and bought something for yourself? Well, what was it like? Shut up.
You don't like it? No, no, I like it.
I just have to get used to it.
It's, um, not your you.
I'm hip, babe.
I'm happening.
Glad to see it's coming along so well.
You don't like it now 'cause it's not what you wanted.
But once it's done, you're gonna love it.
I suppose.
Here you go, Janey.
Make your daddy feel better.
- Come here, sweetie.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, it's okay.
Everybody in this family is allowed to go crazy once every three days, as long as someone else isn't crazy concurrently.
Yeah.
I mean, how could anybody ever go crazy after they've looked in this perfect face? Yeah.
Oh, you don't give a damn about money and wallboard or anything except sleeping and playing and Mommy's breasts.
If your daddy were smart, he would adopt the same attitude.
Aah.
Let's give Mommy a kiss, huh? Mwah.
Well, what do you think? I think, uh, you should go long.
Catches him in the end zone.
Throws a perfect pass Oh, yes! That's it.
We're taking it.
I haven't made a catch like that in 12 years.
We cannot afford the stage.
We cannot not afford the stage.
What are you what do I do? You have no basis on which to judge, so you decide.
I think you should get out of this business.
You're selling things to people who don't need them, can't afford them, and are too stupid to realize they shouldn't want them.
Exactly.
Should we rent the stage to do it in? You know, you are a jerk, Shepherd.
25% of the work we do happens to be pro bono for all kinds of nonprofit organizations, and good causes and other non-toxic things.
We really only do it so people see our work and like it and hire us to do real work, which is sell things to people who don't need them.
Okay.
Go away and let me figure this out.
Mike, what's the bottom line here? The business goes under, and we lose our houses.
Which, in my case, is no big deal, since I hate my house, and in your case, serves you right for getting a nice house to begin with.
You really want us to leave you here? I gotta think about it.
All right.
Hey, if you need the stage, take the stage, Mike.
It's only business.
You never used to worry about business.
Remember? No possessions, no encumbrances.
Thanks for your help, Gare.
Hey, I have a right to viciously attack your values.
That's what friends are for.
Mike, think fast.
Dave.
Dave! Dave! Hi.
Could you do something a little less, um incredibly loud for the next little while? Finally get her down? It had to happen some year.
Why don't you take your break while I have my 20th cup of coffee? Excuse me.
Oh.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Sorry again.
What are you doing? What? This doesn't go like this? No.
Now here's something you'll really like.
Fan mail from some flounder? Not that lesson.
This lesson.
Oh, no, wait.
Here, here.
Okay.
Mr.
Wizard.
Help me, Mr.
Wizard.
Drizzle, drazzle, drazzle, drome.
Time for this one to come home.
I've got it, I've got it.
Me see over the mountaintop, Bob.
Princess Summerfall Winterspring.
Oh, come on.
Clarabell.
Buffalo Bob.
Howdy Doody? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Howdy Doody.
Yeah, wow.
That was really in the '50s.
Right.
Wow.
You're old.
Thanks for noticing, Dave.
You're not too old.
You're kind of just the right amount.
Bye.
No! Ideological corruption.
Decadent materialism.
I ask you, members of the council, what are we to think of this profit-mongering capitalist who goes to greater and greater lengths of deceiving the people in his insatiable quest for corporate hegemony, blindly aping the the current fashions of the decadent ruling class? It's him! It's him! He's the one who thought about firing me.
He's heartless, cruel.
Please, please.
I object.
This man is merely a dupe of the Imperialist Yuppie elite.
I mean, he didn't intend to buy such a big house.
No.
He had a momentary lapse of ideological judgment.
The house doesn't work.
It's a wreck.
And he admits his crime of using consumerist propaganda to sell hundreds of useless objects to unsuspecting members of the downtrodden proletariat.
Wait a second.
You were there.
You helped start the company.
I wanted to be a writer.
I didn't want to go into advertising.
I just couldn't make a living.
Do you understand? Which brings us to his worst transgression His avaricious rush into the trappings and complacent, monogamous, bourgeois family life, his spineless toadying in the inquisitive wake of his new masters, and a complete betrayal of his earlier beliefs.
You Yuppie! No.
I am not a Yuppie.
Yuppies only want new cars and CDs and futures.
Well, I want those things, too, but I can't afford them.
Doesn't that count? Excuse me, excuse me.
Madame Chairperson, do we have a verdict? Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty He's not here? He's not home yet.
Not Michael, fool.
The guy.
The cute one.
You left work early? You raced over here to see this guy? I didn't race over.
I obeyed all posted speed limits.
- You are still in high school.
- Who isn't? Just wanted to get another look, that's all.
You wouldn't understand.
Good.
He's not here.
I can take these off.
They're killing me.
So how's he doing anyway? It's really a mess in there.
Maybe the guy's a total incompetent.
No, Dave's okay.
I don't think he's incompetent.
Excuse me.
Dave? Yeah, Dave.
That's his name.
What else have we managed to discover about Dave? Ellyn, we hired him.
Of course I know his name.
What's that look? Nothing.
You are terrible.
You are a bad, disgusting person.
- What happened? - Nothing happened.
Oh, God.
I love this.
When was it, today? - Nothing happened.
- Who started it? He started it, but it was nothing.
How did he start? I bet he's really funny, right? I don't believe that we are having this conversation.
You're ridiculous.
Yes.
So what? Where were you? You have to tell me everything.
Was he all sweaty? I don't believe you.
Why do I even talk to you? It was in the kitchen.
Nothing happened.
We just talked.
God.
It never changes.
I knew I should have made my move the other day.
- Guys always hit on you.
- What are you talking about? Oh, get outta here.
So, like, did he How did he Come on.
What did he say? Would you stop this, please? Janey, don't listen to this.
- How did he broach the subject? - He didn't do anything.
I didn't do anything.
Nothing has happened.
Nothing is going to happen.
Nothing will ever happen.
We just flirted a little.
You flirted? You did? Oh, good for you.
- At least you did something.
- Stop it.
No.
You're too damn perfect for your own good.
You're allowed to have a little fun.
Cooped up here all the time.
So what do you think will happen? Why does anything have to happen? - I don't know.
- You're supposed to tell me it's nothing.
And that I shouldn't think about it.
It's nothing, and you shouldn't think about it.
Ah, Hope.
I don't know what to tell you.
This conversation never took place.
All documents related to this conversation are to be shredded.
We must protect the present administration at all costs.
It's you.
Mmm.
What little is left of me.
Hi, handsome.
Bring home the big bucks? Look at that shirt.
Is that a power shirt or what? Nice suit, Ellyn.
Good shoulder pads.
- You looking to get drafted by the Eagles? - Whoo.
What is it, honey? Nothing.
Just every decision I've made since the third grade turns out to be completely bankrupt.
Ohh Oh, come here, honey.
You guys are cute.
You guys are my favorite couple.
You know that? 1917, I came to this country.
20 cents in my pocket.
I'm 19 years old.
A greenhorn.
And what did I do? I went to work.
Grandpa, what are you doing here? I worked the night shift.
I worked the day shift.
And thank God, for 50 years I provided my family.
I know, Grandpa, but it's more complicated - than that these days.
- You see, because in Russia I used to get ten cents to protect the other Jewish kids from bullies.
I know.
I remember that story.
And the peasant boys would throw stones.
So I beat one of them up one day.
Sent him to the hospital.
That showed 'em.
And the Cossacks.
Don't forget about the Cossacks.
Then the Cossacks came.
Took everything.
That was terrible.
I know.
I know.
I'm just so confused, Grandpa.
A man gets on with his life.
That's what he does.
Please, God.
May I live to see you become a great man.
You really think I could be a great man, Grandpa? You're the only one in the family, Michael.
But first, you have to finish college.
- What? - Find yourself a wife.
- A nice girl.
- Here's my wife.
And have children.
Grandpa, what are you talking about? Enough of this dropping out business - Dropping out of what? - This protesting.
Gr Tell me what to do.
I know you had an argument with your father.
Listen to me.
I'm older than you are.
You're making a federal case out of nothing.
Go get a haircut! Dr.
J.
shoots! Aah! Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Mike.
One quick game of horse, and then we can get started.
I'll go first.
Okay, you can go first.
Close the door.
What? Close the door.
We're taking the job.
Rent the stage.
Okay.
Is it okay? You were the only one worried about it.
Okay.
Call in Janine.
Oh, no.
Call her in.
Like, call her in.
Well, do I have to be here? What if she, like, cries or somethin'? Call her in.
Janine? Can you come in here for a sec? You guys want to order lunch already? No.
No.
Janine you've worked here for the past three months.
During that time, your attitude has been very positive.
Thank you.
You also have the worst language skills I have ever witnessed in an adult human being.
You can't spell.
You can't type.
You cannot get names right on the telephone.
Now, I want you to know that Elliott and I have really given a lot of thought to this, and we've we've tried to give you the benefit of every doubt.
And what it comes down to is this: We just cannot live with it any longer.
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're just You're j you're just gonna have to do better.
Okay.
Yeah.
Just a little better.
So.
Dave.
36 hours, hordes of people are gonna descend upon this house, most of whom I don't even know.
Are we gonna have a room in there? What do you need a room for? We'll just knock out the back wall, put a spa in there.
Yeah, and do what in the winter, ice-skate? No.
Keep it hot.
It's great for those late-night romantic interludes.
There's a concept.
Oh, come on.
You guys are cool.
Husband's cute.
Got a great kid.
Beautiful decor.
So.
Uh what's it gonna be anyway? Limousines? A thousand people? Big tent in back? Yeah.
Don't forget the 50 servants.
Breakfast? Uh Beats rice with apricots.
Got jelly.
Thanks.
Dave.
What? Thank you.
For what? For making my week my man.
I don't get it.
Yeah, you do.
That's okay.
Well.
Uh Well, I guess this, uh this isn't gonna happen, is it? Not in this millennium, at least.
And you you'd have no problem with this, would you, Dave? God, this was fun.
I mean, you're talking to someone who's been out of the known universe for the last Oh, shut up, Hope.
No.
What? I mean, it's just that you spend you spend so much time with baby food in your hair and on your clothes, and you just I don't know.
"Come behold unto ye, Macaulay Connor.
" What? Who? What Katharine Hepburn said to Jimmy Stewart.
The Philadelphia Story? Oh, never mind.
Hi, Mr.
Mike.
Hello, David.
Hi, sweetie.
Home so early? Mmm! - Well - Come on, baby.
Let's show Daddy what we did today.
Let's show Daddy how we almost walked.
Okay, come on.
There you go.
Okay.
Okay.
I didn't prompt her in this.
Swear to God.
Okay.
Okay.
I mean, we just try it a hundred times.
Oh, come on.
Don't ruin my credibility.
Come on.
She really did this.
Yeah, I know.
You gotta go.
Come on.
So? You know what? I hate this.
I don't want this room to be like this.
You know what I think? I think you're done, Dave.
I'm done? I think I would rather leave the room looking like this than have it look the way I don't want it to look.
So you want to leave it like this.
This is nothing against you, you understand.
You're a great guy, and And an okay carpenter, and I'll pay you whatever I owe you.
It's just I don't want another piece of crummy wallboard on these walls.
Michael, you can't leave it like this for the party.
I guess I have to.
Definitely not my day.
All right.
What is going on? I'm making decisions.
I rented the space.
I'm in over my head.
I'm a terrible person.
Michael, you know what I think? I think this is boring.
I mean, you want me to comfort and baby you and make everything all right, only I don't see what it is that's wrong.
I mean, what is it exactly that you're upset about? You're upset because your business is doing well and you have to rent a space so you can film a commercial.
You're upset because you're spending a lot of money, which you've earned on a house which you love so you can fix it up in a certain way and have a big party and show it off.
You could be upset because Janey's healthy.
How about the fact that we have enough food to eat? That's very upsetting.
Don't forget about Jerry Stahl.
Exactly! Here's a guy I had an affair with eight years ago, and you're upset, even though you're the one that I'm with now and forever until the end of time.
I mean, what is it about you that makes it so impossible for you to enjoy the things you have? Because I might lose them? So you pretend that you don't have them rather than risk that? What about the Cossacks? You're right.
Armed men could swoop down at any moment, and everything that you have or hold dear could be instantly taken away.
But then again, that might not happen.
And wouldn't you feel foolish having waited around all that time? You can't tell me that bad things don't happen.
Oh, Michael.
I love you so much, but you're such a pain in the butt.
Yes.
Bad things happen.
But not as punishment for the good things.
Can you see that it's not the end of the world if you enjoy yourself just a little bit? I remember the starter house we bought.
It was almost as broken down as this one.
- Hello, Hope.
- Hi.
Sorry we're late.
What a great idea! How'd you ever come up with this idea? Oh, no, you didn't.
I don't believe you.
I got the scars to prove it.
It's right out front.
- Yeah? - A thousand ccs.
Go ahead, drive it yourself.
Oh, yeah.
I see the scar right Oh, there's an amusing sport coat.
Could feed a family of four in Guatemala for a year on that sport coat.
Oh, you are such a fake, Shepherd.
What did you ever do in college except go out on strike when you were afraid - to take the final in organic chemistry? - Whoa.
Whoa.
A lot more than some people I know.
Who was out there trying to wake people up to the situation in Central America? Who spends eight hours a week tutoring high school kids who can't even read Tell me about the marches, George.
Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
He's here.
He's here.
Who? Who? Jerry Stahl.
The man himself.
He's over by the food.
So? So why don't you serve better drinks? Excuse me.
You did? It's so great to see you.
I'm really glad you could come.
Michael, come meet an old friend.
This is Jerry Stahl.
How you doing, Mike? I've been hearing about you for years.
I've been hearing about you, too.
I met your little girl.
She's going to be a real killer.
Nice to meet you.
Do you want some food? Next time we'll have you over to our house.
No, it was my fault.
I I didn't see the nail.
This is an old jacket anyway.
I can't believe we haven't said four words to you all day.
Well, that's what I love about parties.
You spend all this time treating all these strangers like friends, and you end up treating your friends like strangers.
So don't leave.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Really great party.
We should have lunch sometime.
Sure, Jer.
Let's do lunch.
Extended physical encounter.
Ha.
Not a bad party.
Good eats.
Glad you could make it, Dave.
Well, you guys, uh, have a great life.
behind from where we came And go round and round and round The circle game - So the years spin by And now the boy is 20 Though his dreams have lost some grandeur Coming true There'll be new dreams Maybe better dreams and plenty Before the last revolving year is through And the seasons, they go round and round And the painted ponies go up and down We're captive on the carousel of time We can't return, we can only look behind From where we came And go round and round and round In the circle game And go round and round and round In the circle game
I am telling you, they are in here.
Oh, I'm going out of my mind.
They are in here.
Honey, relax.
They are in there.
Okay.
Okay.
I moved out of the dorm.
And I know they were up on 12th Street, because Gary threw spaghetti on them.
And then Linda she didn't want them on Rittenhouse, so What is that? No.
Give me that.
You cannot read that.
The Girl With the Kool-Aid Soul, a Novel in Verse by Michael J.
Steadman.
Give me that.
That should be burned.
Oh, I need these posters.
You didn't want them on 21st Street.
So I remember packing them with the extra copies of "The People's Flame.
" I'm so glad we kept the extra copies of "The People's Flame.
" When was the last time you considered the need for artistic expression by the downtrodden workers? I was discussing that yesterday with Janey, right after Mister Rogers.
See, you have no recollection of these posters, and you have no sense of history.
You're just a running-dog lackey of the imperialist warmongers.
Ha.
Here they are.
Look at this.
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
Where are the others? I had a whole set.
What did you do with the others? Look, all I have is a Jefferson Airplane? No.
I had Hendrix.
I had two Hendrixes.
I had Joplin.
I had Moby Grape.
Now where are they? I didn't do anything with them.
Oh, it is this house.
It eats things.
We moved into this house in November.
We are still in boxes.
So let's unpack.
We can't unpack them until we finish this wall.
- So finish the wall.
- We can't finish the wall until we figure out what we're gonna do with the room.
So figure out what you're gonna do with the room.
Okay.
You know what we're gonna have to do, because let's face it, we're never gonna do it until something forces us to.
I don't think I want to hear this.
What we need is something that makes us so humiliated and ashamed that it forces us to get it in shape.
I am not hearing this.
It doesn't have to be big.
I swear to you.
You want to have the "H" word? Just an informal gathering of our 600 closest friends.
Okay, I can do this.
I mean, people expect that when you move into a house, you're gonna have a housewarming party.
Honey, it's just that I thought that we could wait until Janey was old enough to Pay for it? Murray Froehlich? Definitely.
He's five minutes from becoming a V.
P.
over there.
Plus his wife is cute.
- Uh, Mark Rossner.
- I don't like him.
- You like him? - No, but we gotta invite him.
Everybody says he's the next us three years from now.
That's true.
I don't like us, either.
Steve Ma Man Marn What? - Mark Mark Markowitz.
- Markowitz.
You do it.
I'm not doing it.
You do it.
- You hired her.
- That's 'cause you thought she was cute.
She's hopeless.
Only about spelling and typing and phone numbers.
Chad Kaufman.
- Pass.
- Pass.
- Katie Broyalls.
- Katie Broyalls.
Katie Broyalls, Katie Broyalls.
You know she won that big design award, whatever they call it? I gave her her first job.
She won't even return my calls.
Wait a minute.
She goes out with that monster guy.
Wynan Scott.
What's his name Jerry Stahl.
What about Jerry Stahl? Jerry Stahl.
Mr.
Big Deal Genius.
Did the disappearing whale commercial? You know him? I don't know him.
Everybody knows him.
He's Jerry Stahl.
So if he goes out with her, does that mean he's coming? Unless he's washing his hair that night.
You know this guy.
Uh, the guys about the, uh, - what do you call it? - What? They're here.
They guys about the you know.
The the whosey-what.
The back stage.
The sound stage.
Oh.
Thank you, Janine.
Why don't you tell him we'll be right there? Say good night, Janine.
I'm not renting a sound stage.
Wonderful.
That's great.
We'll bring the film crew in here.
You and I can move in the bathroom.
We can literally watch our lives go down the toilet.
Yeah, it's an archway.
The question is, can it not be an archway? It can probably not be anything you want it to be, - assuming, uh - Assuming? Well, assuming we can keep the second floor up on the second floor.
- Huh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, there.
What's your name? Say, "I'm Janey.
" So is it terrible? No.
Nah.
It's quite a house.
He says it's in worse shape than we thought it was.
I didn't think that was possible.
Here you go, sweetie.
I always thought, you know, 'cause I used to do stuff like this, not professionally or anything, but, well, I used to build beds for people in college, and I always thought I could do this.
'Cause we really love it here, and I think it has a lot of potential, you know.
And if I weren't too involved with my work, and You think it has a lot of potential, or are we totally stupid? No, no.
It's a very cool house.
I mean, I'd have bought it myself, if I had the money to put into it.
Okay, so let's see what we got.
You wanna you wanna lose all this stuff, and you wanna replace it with some elegant wall-covering-like paneling, but not like a lawyer's office, because that would be too stuffy.
And you want built-in shelves over here, and you want to make this archway dead.
Hmm.
Now do you think maybe we should, uh, put a built-in thing over here, too? You know, like, maybe for the TV? What's wrong with the TV on the counter? I don't know.
It's not very, uh Not very Elegant? I don't know.
I think if you put built-in shelves over there, too, you start not having enough room here in the middle, especially if you ever want to put a table here.
But we probably wouldn't want to put a table there.
You eat breakfast in the kitchen? Yeah.
Fine.
So put built-in shelves over there, too.
- It'll look great.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Hey, do an estimate for either way.
- I can do that.
- Okay.
Good.
This is gonna be great.
Oh, you know, I always imagined a room like this.
You know, the sun streaming in, and the paneled walls.
Oh, this is gonna be great.
$5,346 for a breakfast room? Is this guy out of his mind? Sell the baby.
We've waited this long.
We can wait $5,000 longer.
Mikey's moping.
I'm not moping.
I'm sulking.
Oh, honey.
Mmm.
I know.
You want everything to be really nice and beautiful for the housewarming, so that all your business friends, who you don't really like, will be really impressed.
Exactly.
Can't we find a simpler solution? You know, more like an intermediate idea? - A compromise approach.
- Cheaper.
No, no, it's okay.
It's okay.
All the people come, and they'll rip their clothes on the nails, and they'll say "What's that mildew smell?" They'll lose all respect for me, and I'll go bankrupt.
I can handle that.
Well, maybe you could think of it as this really big opportunity.
Like, you could paint the walls with these huge, puffy clouds, And you could hang this really huge parachute down from the ceiling.
Mikey, why are you getting so worried? Think about Grandpa Morrie.
He never worried.
He lived his life.
He didn't take any crap from anybody.
Right.
He was full of wisdom, which was very useful for people living in Kiev in 1912.
Who's coming to this extravaganza, anyway? You know who's gonna be there.
Acquaintances.
All the people you say you're gonna get together with and never do.
All the people that had you to some horrible dinner, and now you owe them, but you don't want to see them alone.
All the people that are cooler than you, and you wish they would be your friend, so you invite them over, and hope that they'll invite you back.
Acquaintances.
Name names.
Tony Valani, Ray Godshaw, Jerry Stahl, Marcy Madelman, Linda Louwe.
I don't even know these people, and they're boring.
So don't come.
Save me $6 in hors d'oeuvres.
We used to do this.
I know.
All the time.
Mmm.
We should still do it all the time.
Mmm.
I'm ready.
Oh, we'll probably do it again.
All the time, I mean.
I think we will.
Well, that's really neat.
I mean, I think you're okay.
I don't mind you too much.
I could stick around here for a while.
You think I'm okay? Yeah, I think you're, like, really an okay person with very limited bad qualities.
Thank you.
Which makes it hard to understand how you could have ever gone out with Jerry Stahl.
I didn't go out with Jerry Stahl.
I had a stupid, self-destructive, extended physical encounter with Jerry Stahl.
It was eight years ago.
I didn't even know you then.
You wouldn't have had a self-destructive, extended physical encounter with me.
Why would I want to? You're the most wonderful person I've ever met.
You are sweet and good and true.
And I love you.
Sweet? I'm going to sleep now, completely satisfied.
Good night.
Sweet? Good morning, good morning, the little birds say.
Hi.
Is she all right? Yeah.
She's just teething.
Okay.
What we're saying is we cover this disgusting wall stuff with cheap new wallboard, throw some paint on it.
I'm not upset.
- You're not? - No, I'm depressed.
- About wallboard? - No, I'm upset about wallboard.
I'm depressed about the impossibility of ever having anything in your life exactly the way it's supposed to be.
But Janey's the way she's supposed to be, huh? Aren't you? Yeah.
What's that, Boo-Boo? What? Tell me, tell me, tell me.
Are you gonna do that incredibly cute thing? Michael, look at this.
She started this yesterday.
Look.
No, you're not gonna show him? Come on.
- Honey.
- Hmm? This is a great house.
We're gonna be very happy here.
All of us.
Anyway, I like the arch.
It's an honest arch.
Arches are very important in history, Janey.
They were invented by the Romans.
Oh, we hate the Romans, don't we, Janey? They persecuted Daddy's ancestors.
Oh, yeah, don't cry about those Romans.
Oh.
But that's okay, Janey.
That's okay, because Mommy's ancestors came down from the North, and we pillaged those nasty Romans.
I knew there was a reason why I loved your mommy.
Bye, sweetie.
I hope you feel better.
Bye.
- Have a fun day.
- Thank you.
Hey, Hope, I found that thing.
That, uh, that melon baller.
Hope? You home? We're in hiding.
- The forces of darkness have descended and are - What? We're under attack.
Michael finally decided to do something about the breakfast room.
Oh, yeah? Let me see.
Hi.
Hi.
- Don't sit there.
All that dust.
- Oh.
Fine dust everywhere.
In the cupboards, in my daughter's hair, in our food.
Dust everywhere.
Looks like fun.
Oh, yeah? Well, go ahead.
Take a few licks.
- Get your aggressions out.
- Oh, no, thanks.
I need more than that to get my aggressions out.
I got just the thing for you.
Great.
We're out of here.
Oh.
Bye.
Bye.
I'm staying here today.
You can go to work.
- What? - He's so cute.
- What? - He's so Cute! He is.
Didn't you notice? I'm having trouble seeing through the dust.
You didn't notice? I can't believe you didn't notice.
Wait.
Watch her.
I just need, um um, a whisk.
What's that? It's a whisk.
He is cute.
I can't believe I didn't notice.
Isn't he? So what do we do about it? What do you mean, we, paleface? If you want to do something about it, you go in there and do something about it.
What do I do? Go in there and start talking about tools? Equipment? You're not even gonna go in there and talk.
You're such a coward.
Tell me one time at Beach Haven you ever went up to a lifeguard.
I'm still working on it.
Oh, what's the use? We'd go out for two weeks.
He'd have these great, strong arms.
We'd get all sweaty.
Then he'd get intimidated because I make more money than he does.
I don't know.
You should see what he charges.
Hello! Hello! Hello! You sure this is big enough? I see rice paddies.
I see helicopters in the distance.
I see Meryl Streep as the simple peasant girl.
"You American, soldier?" "You buy my baskets?" Elliot.
Elliot, you could shoot Lawrence of Arabia in here.
We're doing a local TV spot for an onion dicer.
It slices.
It dices.
Mike, we're in the commercial biz.
Now we got clients to impress.
Okay, okay.
It is impressive.
Jerry Stahl would be impressed by this.
What's Jerry Stahl have to do with this? Nothing.
I'm just saying he'd be impressed by this.
You know, he's supposed to be so brilliant.
Nah, he'd work with George Lucas and design some special laser technology and win about a hundred Clios.
You know, I'm a little sick of hearing about Jerry Stahl.
- What's so whopping great about Jerry Stahl? - You brought it up.
Uh, it's 3:00.
And? The Kramer brothers are here.
Back at the office, waiting.
We have a 3:00 appointment with the Kramer brothers? Since when? Since Monday.
I told you.
Janine.
I didn't tell you.
Janine.
Well, I meant to tell you.
Doesn't that count? Well, it's still okay.
We're just down the block.
You're still not late or anything.
Thank you.
Why don't you go back and tell the Kramer brothers that we will be right there? - "I forgot.
" - Blunt instrument.
You know, you should have gotten rid of her like I told you.
Jerry Stahl would have got rid of her.
It's come to this? It's only a little chart.
How many variables are there in this particular chart? Do you really want to know, or are you just making fun of me? Both.
Okay.
We've got money coming in.
That's green.
And we have household expenses.
Monthly, that's blue.
Weekly, that's purple.
Additional money for the breakfast room, that's red.
Ha ha.
Insurance, mortgage, government extortion, charitable guilt, auto usury, general upkeep on our house.
Ha ha.
Travel, ha.
Leisure, ha ha.
And a new car, which I don't need, and I can't justify spending any money on.
Ha ha ha ha.
You seem a little tense, honey.
Try and get some sleep.
Lower.
Lower.
Lock it off.
So, Mike, after we shoot this commercial, we can really expand.
I mean, think about it.
Roll camera.
Speed.
Action.
Psst.
Hey, Mike, Mike.
If I can't have the revolution, might as well have a great breakfast room.
Uh, did I mention to you that you were supposed to hand in that proposal by 3:00 this morning? Hope? What is it, darling? Jerry.
You paid how much for this dump? Is he in the closet? No, that's the monkey! Can you say monkey? Of course not.
Even though Mommy vowed she'd never push you All right.
I admit it.
I can't help it.
She's totally brilliant.
Can she get a job? Does she cater? What good are you? Where'd you get the shirt? Bought it.
When? You never tell me anything anymore.
I bought it last week when the collar wore through on my 15-year-old Brooks Brothers button down.
You actually went out into the real world and bought something for yourself? Well, what was it like? Shut up.
You don't like it? No, no, I like it.
I just have to get used to it.
It's, um, not your you.
I'm hip, babe.
I'm happening.
Glad to see it's coming along so well.
You don't like it now 'cause it's not what you wanted.
But once it's done, you're gonna love it.
I suppose.
Here you go, Janey.
Make your daddy feel better.
- Come here, sweetie.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, it's okay.
Everybody in this family is allowed to go crazy once every three days, as long as someone else isn't crazy concurrently.
Yeah.
I mean, how could anybody ever go crazy after they've looked in this perfect face? Yeah.
Oh, you don't give a damn about money and wallboard or anything except sleeping and playing and Mommy's breasts.
If your daddy were smart, he would adopt the same attitude.
Aah.
Let's give Mommy a kiss, huh? Mwah.
Well, what do you think? I think, uh, you should go long.
Catches him in the end zone.
Throws a perfect pass Oh, yes! That's it.
We're taking it.
I haven't made a catch like that in 12 years.
We cannot afford the stage.
We cannot not afford the stage.
What are you what do I do? You have no basis on which to judge, so you decide.
I think you should get out of this business.
You're selling things to people who don't need them, can't afford them, and are too stupid to realize they shouldn't want them.
Exactly.
Should we rent the stage to do it in? You know, you are a jerk, Shepherd.
25% of the work we do happens to be pro bono for all kinds of nonprofit organizations, and good causes and other non-toxic things.
We really only do it so people see our work and like it and hire us to do real work, which is sell things to people who don't need them.
Okay.
Go away and let me figure this out.
Mike, what's the bottom line here? The business goes under, and we lose our houses.
Which, in my case, is no big deal, since I hate my house, and in your case, serves you right for getting a nice house to begin with.
You really want us to leave you here? I gotta think about it.
All right.
Hey, if you need the stage, take the stage, Mike.
It's only business.
You never used to worry about business.
Remember? No possessions, no encumbrances.
Thanks for your help, Gare.
Hey, I have a right to viciously attack your values.
That's what friends are for.
Mike, think fast.
Dave.
Dave! Dave! Hi.
Could you do something a little less, um incredibly loud for the next little while? Finally get her down? It had to happen some year.
Why don't you take your break while I have my 20th cup of coffee? Excuse me.
Oh.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Sorry again.
What are you doing? What? This doesn't go like this? No.
Now here's something you'll really like.
Fan mail from some flounder? Not that lesson.
This lesson.
Oh, no, wait.
Here, here.
Okay.
Mr.
Wizard.
Help me, Mr.
Wizard.
Drizzle, drazzle, drazzle, drome.
Time for this one to come home.
I've got it, I've got it.
Me see over the mountaintop, Bob.
Princess Summerfall Winterspring.
Oh, come on.
Clarabell.
Buffalo Bob.
Howdy Doody? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Howdy Doody.
Yeah, wow.
That was really in the '50s.
Right.
Wow.
You're old.
Thanks for noticing, Dave.
You're not too old.
You're kind of just the right amount.
Bye.
No! Ideological corruption.
Decadent materialism.
I ask you, members of the council, what are we to think of this profit-mongering capitalist who goes to greater and greater lengths of deceiving the people in his insatiable quest for corporate hegemony, blindly aping the the current fashions of the decadent ruling class? It's him! It's him! He's the one who thought about firing me.
He's heartless, cruel.
Please, please.
I object.
This man is merely a dupe of the Imperialist Yuppie elite.
I mean, he didn't intend to buy such a big house.
No.
He had a momentary lapse of ideological judgment.
The house doesn't work.
It's a wreck.
And he admits his crime of using consumerist propaganda to sell hundreds of useless objects to unsuspecting members of the downtrodden proletariat.
Wait a second.
You were there.
You helped start the company.
I wanted to be a writer.
I didn't want to go into advertising.
I just couldn't make a living.
Do you understand? Which brings us to his worst transgression His avaricious rush into the trappings and complacent, monogamous, bourgeois family life, his spineless toadying in the inquisitive wake of his new masters, and a complete betrayal of his earlier beliefs.
You Yuppie! No.
I am not a Yuppie.
Yuppies only want new cars and CDs and futures.
Well, I want those things, too, but I can't afford them.
Doesn't that count? Excuse me, excuse me.
Madame Chairperson, do we have a verdict? Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty He's not here? He's not home yet.
Not Michael, fool.
The guy.
The cute one.
You left work early? You raced over here to see this guy? I didn't race over.
I obeyed all posted speed limits.
- You are still in high school.
- Who isn't? Just wanted to get another look, that's all.
You wouldn't understand.
Good.
He's not here.
I can take these off.
They're killing me.
So how's he doing anyway? It's really a mess in there.
Maybe the guy's a total incompetent.
No, Dave's okay.
I don't think he's incompetent.
Excuse me.
Dave? Yeah, Dave.
That's his name.
What else have we managed to discover about Dave? Ellyn, we hired him.
Of course I know his name.
What's that look? Nothing.
You are terrible.
You are a bad, disgusting person.
- What happened? - Nothing happened.
Oh, God.
I love this.
When was it, today? - Nothing happened.
- Who started it? He started it, but it was nothing.
How did he start? I bet he's really funny, right? I don't believe that we are having this conversation.
You're ridiculous.
Yes.
So what? Where were you? You have to tell me everything.
Was he all sweaty? I don't believe you.
Why do I even talk to you? It was in the kitchen.
Nothing happened.
We just talked.
God.
It never changes.
I knew I should have made my move the other day.
- Guys always hit on you.
- What are you talking about? Oh, get outta here.
So, like, did he How did he Come on.
What did he say? Would you stop this, please? Janey, don't listen to this.
- How did he broach the subject? - He didn't do anything.
I didn't do anything.
Nothing has happened.
Nothing is going to happen.
Nothing will ever happen.
We just flirted a little.
You flirted? You did? Oh, good for you.
- At least you did something.
- Stop it.
No.
You're too damn perfect for your own good.
You're allowed to have a little fun.
Cooped up here all the time.
So what do you think will happen? Why does anything have to happen? - I don't know.
- You're supposed to tell me it's nothing.
And that I shouldn't think about it.
It's nothing, and you shouldn't think about it.
Ah, Hope.
I don't know what to tell you.
This conversation never took place.
All documents related to this conversation are to be shredded.
We must protect the present administration at all costs.
It's you.
Mmm.
What little is left of me.
Hi, handsome.
Bring home the big bucks? Look at that shirt.
Is that a power shirt or what? Nice suit, Ellyn.
Good shoulder pads.
- You looking to get drafted by the Eagles? - Whoo.
What is it, honey? Nothing.
Just every decision I've made since the third grade turns out to be completely bankrupt.
Ohh Oh, come here, honey.
You guys are cute.
You guys are my favorite couple.
You know that? 1917, I came to this country.
20 cents in my pocket.
I'm 19 years old.
A greenhorn.
And what did I do? I went to work.
Grandpa, what are you doing here? I worked the night shift.
I worked the day shift.
And thank God, for 50 years I provided my family.
I know, Grandpa, but it's more complicated - than that these days.
- You see, because in Russia I used to get ten cents to protect the other Jewish kids from bullies.
I know.
I remember that story.
And the peasant boys would throw stones.
So I beat one of them up one day.
Sent him to the hospital.
That showed 'em.
And the Cossacks.
Don't forget about the Cossacks.
Then the Cossacks came.
Took everything.
That was terrible.
I know.
I know.
I'm just so confused, Grandpa.
A man gets on with his life.
That's what he does.
Please, God.
May I live to see you become a great man.
You really think I could be a great man, Grandpa? You're the only one in the family, Michael.
But first, you have to finish college.
- What? - Find yourself a wife.
- A nice girl.
- Here's my wife.
And have children.
Grandpa, what are you talking about? Enough of this dropping out business - Dropping out of what? - This protesting.
Gr Tell me what to do.
I know you had an argument with your father.
Listen to me.
I'm older than you are.
You're making a federal case out of nothing.
Go get a haircut! Dr.
J.
shoots! Aah! Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Mike.
One quick game of horse, and then we can get started.
I'll go first.
Okay, you can go first.
Close the door.
What? Close the door.
We're taking the job.
Rent the stage.
Okay.
Is it okay? You were the only one worried about it.
Okay.
Call in Janine.
Oh, no.
Call her in.
Like, call her in.
Well, do I have to be here? What if she, like, cries or somethin'? Call her in.
Janine? Can you come in here for a sec? You guys want to order lunch already? No.
No.
Janine you've worked here for the past three months.
During that time, your attitude has been very positive.
Thank you.
You also have the worst language skills I have ever witnessed in an adult human being.
You can't spell.
You can't type.
You cannot get names right on the telephone.
Now, I want you to know that Elliott and I have really given a lot of thought to this, and we've we've tried to give you the benefit of every doubt.
And what it comes down to is this: We just cannot live with it any longer.
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're just You're j you're just gonna have to do better.
Okay.
Yeah.
Just a little better.
So.
Dave.
36 hours, hordes of people are gonna descend upon this house, most of whom I don't even know.
Are we gonna have a room in there? What do you need a room for? We'll just knock out the back wall, put a spa in there.
Yeah, and do what in the winter, ice-skate? No.
Keep it hot.
It's great for those late-night romantic interludes.
There's a concept.
Oh, come on.
You guys are cool.
Husband's cute.
Got a great kid.
Beautiful decor.
So.
Uh what's it gonna be anyway? Limousines? A thousand people? Big tent in back? Yeah.
Don't forget the 50 servants.
Breakfast? Uh Beats rice with apricots.
Got jelly.
Thanks.
Dave.
What? Thank you.
For what? For making my week my man.
I don't get it.
Yeah, you do.
That's okay.
Well.
Uh Well, I guess this, uh this isn't gonna happen, is it? Not in this millennium, at least.
And you you'd have no problem with this, would you, Dave? God, this was fun.
I mean, you're talking to someone who's been out of the known universe for the last Oh, shut up, Hope.
No.
What? I mean, it's just that you spend you spend so much time with baby food in your hair and on your clothes, and you just I don't know.
"Come behold unto ye, Macaulay Connor.
" What? Who? What Katharine Hepburn said to Jimmy Stewart.
The Philadelphia Story? Oh, never mind.
Hi, Mr.
Mike.
Hello, David.
Hi, sweetie.
Home so early? Mmm! - Well - Come on, baby.
Let's show Daddy what we did today.
Let's show Daddy how we almost walked.
Okay, come on.
There you go.
Okay.
Okay.
I didn't prompt her in this.
Swear to God.
Okay.
Okay.
I mean, we just try it a hundred times.
Oh, come on.
Don't ruin my credibility.
Come on.
She really did this.
Yeah, I know.
You gotta go.
Come on.
So? You know what? I hate this.
I don't want this room to be like this.
You know what I think? I think you're done, Dave.
I'm done? I think I would rather leave the room looking like this than have it look the way I don't want it to look.
So you want to leave it like this.
This is nothing against you, you understand.
You're a great guy, and And an okay carpenter, and I'll pay you whatever I owe you.
It's just I don't want another piece of crummy wallboard on these walls.
Michael, you can't leave it like this for the party.
I guess I have to.
Definitely not my day.
All right.
What is going on? I'm making decisions.
I rented the space.
I'm in over my head.
I'm a terrible person.
Michael, you know what I think? I think this is boring.
I mean, you want me to comfort and baby you and make everything all right, only I don't see what it is that's wrong.
I mean, what is it exactly that you're upset about? You're upset because your business is doing well and you have to rent a space so you can film a commercial.
You're upset because you're spending a lot of money, which you've earned on a house which you love so you can fix it up in a certain way and have a big party and show it off.
You could be upset because Janey's healthy.
How about the fact that we have enough food to eat? That's very upsetting.
Don't forget about Jerry Stahl.
Exactly! Here's a guy I had an affair with eight years ago, and you're upset, even though you're the one that I'm with now and forever until the end of time.
I mean, what is it about you that makes it so impossible for you to enjoy the things you have? Because I might lose them? So you pretend that you don't have them rather than risk that? What about the Cossacks? You're right.
Armed men could swoop down at any moment, and everything that you have or hold dear could be instantly taken away.
But then again, that might not happen.
And wouldn't you feel foolish having waited around all that time? You can't tell me that bad things don't happen.
Oh, Michael.
I love you so much, but you're such a pain in the butt.
Yes.
Bad things happen.
But not as punishment for the good things.
Can you see that it's not the end of the world if you enjoy yourself just a little bit? I remember the starter house we bought.
It was almost as broken down as this one.
- Hello, Hope.
- Hi.
Sorry we're late.
What a great idea! How'd you ever come up with this idea? Oh, no, you didn't.
I don't believe you.
I got the scars to prove it.
It's right out front.
- Yeah? - A thousand ccs.
Go ahead, drive it yourself.
Oh, yeah.
I see the scar right Oh, there's an amusing sport coat.
Could feed a family of four in Guatemala for a year on that sport coat.
Oh, you are such a fake, Shepherd.
What did you ever do in college except go out on strike when you were afraid - to take the final in organic chemistry? - Whoa.
Whoa.
A lot more than some people I know.
Who was out there trying to wake people up to the situation in Central America? Who spends eight hours a week tutoring high school kids who can't even read Tell me about the marches, George.
Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
He's here.
He's here.
Who? Who? Jerry Stahl.
The man himself.
He's over by the food.
So? So why don't you serve better drinks? Excuse me.
You did? It's so great to see you.
I'm really glad you could come.
Michael, come meet an old friend.
This is Jerry Stahl.
How you doing, Mike? I've been hearing about you for years.
I've been hearing about you, too.
I met your little girl.
She's going to be a real killer.
Nice to meet you.
Do you want some food? Next time we'll have you over to our house.
No, it was my fault.
I I didn't see the nail.
This is an old jacket anyway.
I can't believe we haven't said four words to you all day.
Well, that's what I love about parties.
You spend all this time treating all these strangers like friends, and you end up treating your friends like strangers.
So don't leave.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Really great party.
We should have lunch sometime.
Sure, Jer.
Let's do lunch.
Extended physical encounter.
Ha.
Not a bad party.
Good eats.
Glad you could make it, Dave.
Well, you guys, uh, have a great life.
behind from where we came And go round and round and round The circle game - So the years spin by And now the boy is 20 Though his dreams have lost some grandeur Coming true There'll be new dreams Maybe better dreams and plenty Before the last revolving year is through And the seasons, they go round and round And the painted ponies go up and down We're captive on the carousel of time We can't return, we can only look behind From where we came And go round and round and round In the circle game And go round and round and round In the circle game