This Way Up (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Head, shoulders, knees and toes Knees and toes And eyes and ears And mouth and nose Front door.
It's your head, it's your shoulders, knees and toes.
It's a great track.
Oh, my God, have you ever known a better song? There's your dad.
Hi.
Right, in you go.
The good news is if dear Etienne here needs to go to the doctor, he can point out exactly where it hurts.
Great.
As long as it's his head, his shoulders, his knees, or his toes.
Or his eyes, or his ears.
What if he breaks his finger? Well, then he'll probably find it difficult to type.
There it is.
Richard, can we put some of my photos downstairs? Oh, yeah, of course.
It is It's your home, too.
Do you wanna join me for dinner? Oh! That's nice.
I haven't actually eaten yet, so - Oh, I was talking to Etienne.
- Oh Oh, sorry.
Just cos you were speaking so formally to a child.
You can stay, if you want, er - Marcia's made plenty.
- That's nice, but, um Please Please won't you? Though she did say that she put a poisoned pepper in it.
Hm? I wasn't serious.
Oh! Right God, OK.
Cos just you seemed very serious.
Yeah, my mother was actually a TV personality.
Really.
She was just on Irish TV.
Um, she - She used to do the weather, on television - Right.
.
.
but every day she'd wear a different hat.
How about that? That was her thing.
Irish people loved it.
I mean, not this Irish person.
I hated it.
- What about your dad? - No, he only had the one hat.
He's dead, too.
OK, merci, monsieur.
Nice to see you're keeping all the secrets I tell you.
Sorry to hear that.
It's OK, though it is a bit of a sad story.
Um My mother's hat collection fell on top of him.
And .
.
he was smothered to death by the hats.
That's Oh, my God! Are you laughing, Richard? Stop! You're freaking me out, man! Yeah, I guess laughing hasn't been much of a - .
.
a priority of late.
- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Obviously Listen, you don't need to hang around here with us.
- Um - Oh, my God! I'm so sorry for taking up your time.
- I'm not trying to shoo you out.
- Oh, no, no, no.
No, oh God, yeah.
I shouldn't be - I mean, I invited myself for dinner.
- Thanks for joining us.
No, thank you for the I mean, you really know how to pay someone to cook for you.
So - OK.
- Yeah.
- Right.
No Aine, please stay.
Do you know what I do have to leave cos I've got places to go and stuff.
- I'm sure you do.
- Yeah.
Um Yeah, I'll see Monday.
And good luck with your photos and stuff.
I really wanna see them, so Um Yeah.
- OK, see you Monday.
- Yeah, see you Monday.
'Man, your boobs are as intense as your arse.
'Hello, boob.
' Oh, my God! I can't believe you've got rats.
That's disgusting! Yeah, I know, it's awful! I don't know how they got there, but sixth floor, they must have had a ladder, or something.
We're watching that murdered nun documentary.
- Oh - So what did your man say, to smoke them out? - Smoke them out? - What? No, Clint Eastwood's rat catching service was closed, Shona.
What are you talking about? Smoking out is a thing.
How else do you get rid of a rat? You sound like a Cockney criminal.
How do you get rid of a rat, boy? Do you want me to pause this while we're talking about rats? - No, no.
- I will if you want me to.
No, I'm dying to watch this.
I just like the nun.
Mm.
Have you eaten? Oh, yeah, I have, actually.
I ate at Richard's house.
- Who? - Richard.
The man who I teach for.
- What?! - Yeah, he included me in dinner.
Jesus, Aine.
- No, don't - Be careful.
- I knew you'd say that.
- It was totally professional.
- Of course I'm gonna say that.
I'm watching this! They've just moved that head priest to the other parish.
Oh, gosh.
They're called bishops, by the way.
- Bishops whatever! - Head priest.
- Head priest! - Oh, Vish! - I wish they were called that.
Who murdered the nun? Do you know what I'm just gonna watch this at home.
- Come on.
- You guys need to - No, come on.
- Sit down, we'll be good.
Fuck! - Are you fucking kidding me! - I'm sorry.
- Aine! - Sorry.
- Come on! Oh, no Oh.
I - What's happened? - Ah - Why are you so late? - Does Vish ever wee sitting down? - No.
- Then I think I just saw him having a poo.
Oh! Oh, no.
Was he naked? Er, not from the waist up, no.
Jesus, God love him.
Just pretend it never happened.
Ah, the old family motto.
Ow! Shona! - That literally actually hurt my arm.
- No, it'll teach you to knock next time.
Did you call your man? When are the rats out? I didn't know you started eating chicken again.
When did you start eating chicken? I thought you watched Cowspiracy.
It says it in your Netflix.
- Cows are the worst.
- Yeah.
Chicken is not a cow and I knew you were logging into my Netflix.
You're the one who's been messing up our algorithms.
Oh, ho-ho, Vish I am so sorry.
- It's not funny.
- It's a little bit funny.
It's not, it's disgusting.
It's just I'm not used to boys being here and having to knock.
Well, I don't wanna stay here, but I have to because your sister hates houses that have private bathrooms and underfloor heating.
I moved my toothbrush in three weeks ago.
That's enough for now.
I go to bed with it every night when I miss you.
- Eurgh! - Eurgh.
All right, I am off to stag it up.
Good luck! Sounds like hell.
It is, but he's the last one of our gang that's getting married, so Unless one of us does it again.
Oh! Well, let me know when you plan to marry your ex-wife again.
She was too short for me, anyway.
All right.
Thanks for this, love you.
Oh, love you, too, Vish.
I'm really sorry, again, about poo-gate.
OK, it was Hey! You know, you don't have to take care of her all weekend.
- Huh! - It's not good for either one of you.
I'm not, I'm gonna kick her out, get her some fresh air.
- I promise.
- Oh, OK.
- You need to relax.
- Yes.
- Chill out.
- Yes, I know! - I'm not working.
- Good.
- I'm gonna chill out.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Don't get killed.
- I won't.
Bye! Oh, bye, Vish.
Um, when you're on the stag just don't show anyone your penis cos that's just for Shona and me to see.
OK? Bye.
OK, what did your man say when you called him? - What? - When are you getting back in? Oh, the rats? Um Well, they'll all technically be dead by tomorrow, but then they have to do something awful, like, scoop up the bodies afterwards, or something.
- So I think Monday.
- In that case three things.
- Mm-hm.
- Charlotte's coming over to work, don't tell Vish.
My best friend, Charlotte.
Well, very funny, so make yourself scarce.
What? Shona Can I not just hide in your room? No, I'd feel bad asking you to do that.
So, just, you know, leave instead.
- What am I gonna do? - Aine, I'm not your event and live planner, OK? Just figure it out.
And it's Saturday, go do something fun.
OK.
Second and third things.
We've got a cousin in London.
Mam wants us to hang out with him.
Oh, fuck that! Is he Irish? We have to, OK.
Apparently they were nice after daddy died.
What? Yeah.
They, um I don't know, they threw some money in for the coffin, or something.
I don't know.
Anyway, you gotta hang out with him.
I can't cos I've too much on.
- Oh, and this lad's Irish.
- Who, her cousin? Yeah, but no, the lad I'm gonna fix you up with.
- No! Shona.
- Yes.
- I don't want - I swear to you you will love him.
- No.
- I know him, he works on the floor below me.
- No, no, no.
- He's nice, a little bit weird, like you.
No set-ups, oh, my God.
I'm glad you've got dental floss.
I've had a bit of celery stuck in my back tooth for, like, three days.
Aine, floss over the sink.
Oh! Don't walk around my house getting bacteria all over the place.
OK, so Why don't you head out for a bit.
Yeah? It's not good for you to be hanging around the house all day.
Or, just with me.
- Hey? - Yeah, OK.
Well, if you're sticking around I'm gonna Skype mam - and you can have a chat with her.
- No, Shona.
- What? You don't need to threaten me.
I'm not.
Oh, my God.
I'm not threatening you.
God! Fine! I'll leave this house full of lies and deceit.
Smoked out, like a rat.
Look, you have to call her, anyway.
- You haven't talked to her in ages.
- Yeah, I'll We can Skype her later when I'm not here.
Oh, my God, you're such a baby.
You're a brat! What? I text her last week to see if she was dead, so - Ow! - That's not even funny, don't say that.
Shona! You can't do the same place twice.
It's illegal.
- Bye.
- Bye! What brings you here today? Um So maybe romance, I suppose, that's kind of a classic.
Anyone coming along who thinks I'm not totally shite.
OK.
I'll just check-in.
Your ownish is very female.
Oh, my God, am I gonna fall in love with a woman? - Don't interrupt.
- Sorry.
Male energy is very exotic to you.
You're very star-struck by male energy.
Yeah.
A big dick energy.
You need to manage that.
- Mm-hm.
- And I'm getting a brother figure.
Oh, yeah, that's probably Vish.
He's my maybe brother-in-law.
OK, so I'm getting a three-figure.
Three is unbalancing.
What, so, like, I'm unbalancing What, so they don't want me there? - Are you there a lot? - Yeah.
I think they like having me there.
Do you think they don't like having me there? I don't know them.
You've got a fire in you.
- OK, what's your name again? - Aine.
- Aine.
You've got a fire in you and you can use that to heat yourself up.
- That's why I try - Don't interrupt.
Sorry.
Or you can use that to burn yourself and everyone else around you down.
Right, well, I was just, sort of, hoping for the lottery numbers, but OK.
I suppose that's the new crossing the palm with silver, is it? It's easier for the tax receipts.
Yeah.
OK.
Well, thank you.
Er, bye.
Actually Um, before I go, I don't know if, um, you know you've got your, er Like, phone thing, or whatever, turned off.
Um, there wasn't any word from .
.
the angels whoever from .
.
my father, from my daddy, was there? He's passed on, has he? Er, yeah.
No Sorry.
Right, yeah.
Grand, just thought it'd be worth a shot, so Sometimes people don't get in touch until you're ready to hear what they wanna tell you.
Yeah, OK.
Well, um Have a great day, anyway.
See ya.
Er, we'll be closing soon.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, well, you know, I have to be off, anyway, so Yeah, it'll be fine.
If I can't close up, I can't get home.
We all have homes to go to, mate.
Oh, my God, Freddie! - 'Hey.
' - Hiya.
Can I come back yet? 'Come to the pub, will you, the one near the park.
' Oh, er, the one where your man with the hair worked? - 'Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
' - Yeah, great.
Yeah, cool, brilliant.
I'm en route.
I'll hop on a tube.
Um I actually have to go now.
Yeah.
Sorry about that.
See ya! He's nice.
Ah, there she is.
Aine, this is Charlotte.
Oh, my God, hi! - Oh, God, you do have lovely skin.
- What?! I could make a soft bag out of that face.
- Should I be scared, or flattered? - Ah, with Aine probably both.
And there's David back again.
Who? David.
Aine, David.
I was telling you about.
Right, we're off.
What?! Where are you guys going? You know, I told you, we've got all that work to do.
I thought David could keep you company, there.
David bought you a pint, which was nice of him.
- How did David know what I wanted? - I told David, so David knew.
Well, it seems like David has it all sorted out and it's all very handy and convenient for David.
- Why are you being so narky? - It's nice to meet you, Aine.
Ah, there you go.
That's great.
OK, let's go.
It was lovely seeing you, David.
Nice to meet you, Aine.
- You've lovely skin, too.
- Thank you.
Did you take my new lip balm? No, I don't think so.
No, I was talking to Aine.
No, I used it, but I put it back in your box, Princess Anne.
You didn't put it back in my box cos I would have seen it.
- I put it back.
- Do you know what, forget it.
It doesn't matter.
OK, have a great night.
All the best! Sensitive teeth.
And then later on he comes up to me and he says, "Word of advice.
This company's like a family.
And when Daddy's speaking the little girl shuts the fuck up.
" - No, he did not say that! - Yes, he did.
Oh, my God! Did you punch him in the balls? I want to say yeah but, no, I went into the toilet and cried.
Oh, no! I'd be the same, actually.
That kind of thing makes me really erm emotional, you know? - No, it's fine, honestly, take it.
- Yeah? Yeah.
It's like our little tradition now.
All right, I won't be long.
Hey.
What's up? - Hiya, can I come back yet? - No.
I left you an hour ago! - Are you still with David? - Course I am.
Nothing else to do that doesn't cost cash.
Just Just stay out till 10ish, OK? Have a laugh.
Don't sleep with him though.
Yeah, right! You'd love that then I could not come back to your house.
Don't get drunk, and get a taxi home.
Don't walk or I'll kill you.
OK, bye, love you.
That was quick.
Did you wash your hands? Er, no, I didn't need to cos it was so quick.
Are you sure you don't want any food? Got an empty belly.
- Getting my belly food.
- Yeah, go on, I'll go for food.
- Yes, get in! - Do you wanna do some shots first? Yeah? Shots? Er, I've actually never done shots before.
Sorry.
Drama? No.
Why, does Freddie say she comes with drama? Shouldn't even be talking about her, do you know that? Arse clown.
He didn't say anything.
That's not what I meant.
He's actually been asking how she is a few times.
I know he's enemy number one.
Think he's seeing someone new now.
Is he? Who? Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.
No, I -- Oh, God.
Didn't need to hear that.
Ugh.
I don't think she needs to know that.
She's She's had a bit of a tough run of it, you know.
I mean, she's great now but it's Does she get depressed? Erm No.
No more than the rest of us.
I get it.
I My brain's a bit shit.
But I take stuff for it and I see a guy and And now I'm totally fine all the time.
Except when I turn on the news, scroll through Twitter, then I wanna jump off a cliff.
Well, I mean She is totally fine now but erm Last year she erm Well, we think she tried to But I got her in somewhere for a couple of weeks and, you know, it's just really scary.
Yeah.
So that's why I'm The phone, like, you know.
Like, I know she's in the pub, you know, where we were.
So, like, I don't need to worry.
OK.
Wow, wow, you need to keep eating steak.
Do you know, have you watched The West Wing? Oh my God, because actually apparently that's exactly what it's like.
In the government in the White House in America, very interesting.
This place is so random.
Why did you pick here for eating? Cos my place is upstairs.
Your place is upstairs.
Oh, my God, how do I end up in these fucking situations? Blame Shona, that's how.
Right, OK.
Right, yes, yes, yes, OK.
David, pretend to have your mind blown.
- What, you mean prepare to -- - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's my gift to you there, David.
Erm I've had a lovely evening.
Thanks very much for paying for everything but I think you'll agree that you got your money's worth and it's time for me to go and never call me again, OK? Thank you.
Something wrong with that door man, mister.
Oh, my God.
You're not gonna rape me, are you? I wish! Mad man.
- What are you doing? - Who the fuck is that on my couch? - He's my neighbour and he's Irish, Shona.
- What? - He's Irish.
- Jesus Christ! - He's lost.
- Do you have any idea how dangerous that is? Shona, he wouldn't hurt a fly.
And he's the only person in the world who cares about me.
- And he is alone - Oh, for God's so if you want to kick him out on to the street then just do it.
I am gonna kill you in the morning.
If Vish knew about He could rape us! - Vish would rape us? - The man on the sofa! His name is Pat.
And he promised he wouldn't.
I'm gonna lock my door.
OK, my own fucking bedroom door because he is drunk and you are drunk and I am drunk! But you are a fucking idiot, Aine.
I am so fucking angry with you right now! - What? - Let me in.
I'm sorry, Sho.
Please, sissy wissy, don't be angwy with me.
I'm only a wittle girl.
I don't think he'd have sex with you if he saw you with your retainer in.
Not funny, Aine! It's so dangerous! I know, I'm so sorry.
So sorry, so sorry.
So sorry Do you think Vish likes me? - What? - Nothing.
How was the rest of the night with David anyway? Oh, my God, bore fest.
I'm so glad.
Mam will be delighted you did it anyway.
How do you mean? You went out with him.
She'll tell the family we took our cousin out, you know.
Showed him a good time.
Made an effort.
- Shona - What? I think I'm going to be sick.
I can't wake up, see me running round the corner Move me up into the upswing Call me undone When I speak about the truth, I'm only brought up to the downbeat It's not easy there When you feel the wear