Those Who Can't (2016) s01e03 Episode Script
Lady And The Skamp
1 All right! Big day, class.
Today is the day we climb Old Trusty.
Been in this gym longer than anyone alive.
This climb's gonna separate the strong from the weak.
Ow! Ooh! I got a sliver.
[Groans.]
All right, I'm gonna demonstrate to get us kicked off here, okay? It's not that hard.
- [Groans.]
- Oh! Just give it a [Groans.]
Loren: And that's when we found this little cantina called Senor Frog's, you guys.
Authentico, piro.
Authentico.
Now, this margarita is not gonna be as good as theirs, I'll tell you that right now, but you have to start somewhere.
So who wants a virgin Barely alcoholic margarita? Who's in? Everybody? Yes, that's what I'm talking about, guys.
We're having fun and we're learning.
[Electricity crackles.]
Oh, god damn it! Billy: Believe it or not, W.
E.
B.
Du Bois actually opposed the Atlanta compromise.
Now, Du Bois was born here in Great Barrington - God! Not again! - [Laughter.]
Jesus, this this place is falling Enough! I'll show you on my globe here.
Now, Du Bois was born [Laughter.]
God damn it! Get out! Get out! Oh, it's funny, isn't it?! - [Growls.]
- [Girl screams.]
[Groans.]
God! [Growling.]
[Grunting.]
All right.
Oh, wow, this rope is extremely old.
It's all It's all frayed up here.
Give the bell a little ring-a-ding, and down we go.
[Bell dings.]
- Aah! - [All screaming.]
[Bell clatters.]
Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through button for you Button for me I make buttons, one, two, three Tammy: Oh, hell no! If you brush by me again, I will slap those tattoos off your arms.
That's not how tattoos work, Tammy.
Hey, Geoffrey, this place is going to shit, okay? This morning, my map fell off the wall, a-and then my stool broke, and then, um, All the kids' desks broke into a bunch of pieces.
Okay, time out.
I'm sorry to hear that, Mr.
Shoemaker.
And l I'll be the first to admit we are in dire need of new supplies, but the reality is we're out of money.
[Chuckles.]
Well, then get it from the district.
[Scoffs.]
I'm an administrator, not a professional fundraiser.
Well, then why do all those buttons say "professional fundraiser" on them? They say "professional fun raiser," and that's a title I gladly accept.
Right, and while you're sitting here making buttons, Fairbell is on his deathbed right now.
[Horn squeaking.]
To infinity and beyond! [Humming.]
Thank you for making an appointment, Coach Fairbell.
First call I made after I regained consciousness.
What the hell is that? They were out of rascals at the hospital, so they gave me this scamp.
Pretty sweet, huh? It's normally for malnourished kids.
It's got two speeds slug and scared dog.
[Scamp beeping.]
Okay, well, I think we all agree we're very glad that you didn't die.
Nope, just some fluid on the brain, but the doctor said there was plenty of room to swell.
Hmm! Hear that? Sounds like a crisis averted.
Hey, just because he heals like a starfish doesn't mean that you're off the hook.
And I'm telling you, Geoffrey, if you don't do something about this, we're gonna strike.
You Wouldn't Dare.
Try me.
This isn't the first time a Shoemaker's threatened a button maker.
[Scamp beeping.]
I put an anarchy symbol in your zen garden.
[Sighs.]
Come on, R2.
[Scamp beeping.]
Fairbell, don't go.
Fairbell Don't go.
Fairbell? I'm sorry.
[Scamp beeping.]
Son of a Now, who among us has suffered because Quinn won't fight for us?! He won't give us wifi for the library, which is bullshit! Yes, Abbey! - [Applause.]
- Trebin? Yes, I can't afford frogs for my biology dissections, so I'm forced to use cats.
[Murmuring.]
Let's hear it for Abbey again, huh? Yeah! I don't want to work anymore! Yeah, I don't want to work at all! Thank you, Rod and Loren.
This morning, our cause finally found its face when wheels and whistles here fell from the rafters and suffered the kind of hip dysplasia normally reserved for old German Shepherds.
But tomorrow, we do it for all the Fairbells of the world! - [Chanting.]
- Fairbell! Fairbell! Now, Leslie has graciously offered to provide us with water and snacks for the long haul.
Anything for Fairbell.
Thank you, Leslie.
- [Chanting.]
- Fairbell! Fairbell! Yes, Fairbell? How long does a strike last? Days, months As long as it takes to get these pigs to listen to us! - For Fairbell! - Billy: Okay! - [Scamp beeping.]
- [Chanting.]
Fairbell, Fairbell, Fairbell! Months? That means I can't coach my girls.
I've changed my mind.
I don't want to strike.
I don't want to strike.
Could you just all excuse me for just one second here? Just one second.
What the hell are you talking about, Fairbell? All of this is for you, so, yes, you are doing it.
No, I'm not.
Besides, I love it here at Smoot.
I bleed red and gray.
That's because there's bone marrow in your blood.
I'm warning you, Fairbell, if you're not with us, you're against us.
[Scamp beeping.]
Well, then I guess I'm against us.
I'm leaving this traitor's den.
[Scamp beeping.]
- [All booing.]
- Oh, piss yourselves! Yeah, whatever! I got your flag! - Get out of here! - [Indistinct shouting.]
Abbey: You guys? Billy: What are you doing? We don't need him anyway! - [Chanting.]
- We don't need him anyway! All: We don't need him anyway! Abbey, that's your platform.
Abbey's right.
Hey, hey, Abbey is right.
Abbey is right! Abbey is right! We don't need him anyway, because tomorrow, we go on strike! Oh! - All: [Chanting.]
- Strike, strike, strike, strike! Strike, strike, strike, strike! Strike, strike! Strike, strike, strike, strike! Aah! Oh! Leslie: Okay, we got strike water, six bucks.
Chips, $4.
50, and show solidarity with a Smoot strike bear only 25 bucks.
- What is this? - What? What did you where'd you get this, at a plane-crash site? I thought you were giving us this stuff for free? Ha! Stupid, stupid Shoemaker.
- You think my kids work for free? - Yeah.
Well, I have to get paid for making them work for free, okay? Mind your own business, Buttinsky.
Strike water, six bucks.
Thank you for coming out.
Thank you for being here.
Now, today, when things get tough And they will remember our demands are simple.
Safer working conditions.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Adequate school supplies.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! And an equitable restructuring of our school's 403(B) retirement plan, abolishing all reservation charges, lowering interest rates below 1% for the perpetuity of our enrollment.
Can you hear us in your ivory tower, Principal Quinn? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Come on! [Cheering.]
That's what I'm talking about.
Bring in the fire - What? - Abbey: I'm sorry I'm late.
I've been up all night making these strike t-shirts.
What do you think? Billy: Abbey, listen, I kind of wish that maybe you would ask me about things like this in the future this being my strike and all.
So, is this what it's about for you? Like, you want to be a leader guy? Well at occupy Denver, we had no leaders! [Laughs.]
- You were at occupy? - Yeah! Weren't you? No, I didn't go because occupy was just a bunch of disorganized teens peeing on trees.
No, it was about the 99% rising up against the 1%! It was about camaraderie and passion! - All: Yeah! - Like this! Yeah! So we wander into this cantina, and it was authentico, piro.
Authentico, authentico, man.
-Senor Frog's? - Mm! Yeah, that's where I unleash my fiesta.
Mm-hmm.
I think it's their slogan, but that's what I do there, yeah.
It's tucked right down that alley next to the T.
G.
I.
Viernes I cannot believe you've been to Senor Frog's.
- That is ridiculous! - Yeah.
You get those cinnamon rolls nice and hot yet? Rod, what are you doing? That's lighter fluid.
Vodka, right.
I'm a professional.
[Coughing.]
That That's mm! That's the wrong container.
Scabs are here.
Billy: Here come the scabs! They're bussing them in! And we'll give 'em hell! - Spit on 'em! - [Crowd booing.]
Abbey! You guys suck! All right, handle it from here, Abbey.
Thank you.
[Booing continues.]
Welcome to hell, everyone! [Laughing.]
- [Scamp beeping.]
- [Laughing.]
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the theory of nothing.
Here to help your scab friends, I see.
Yeah, well, at least I have my dignity.
[Horn squeaks.]
- Boo! - Give 'em hell! Boo yourself! You sound like a bunch of dumb ghosts! Rod, hand me my barbecue tongs.
- Ah! - [Sizzling.]
[Sizzling continues.]
Oh! [Screaming.]
Oh! Nice shot, Loren.
Bet you couldn't do it again.
[Screaming.]
Two for two! [Screaming.]
It's sizzling hot, Loren! You got what you deserved, you scabs! [Booing.]
Show 'em how you feel scab trash, only a quarter.
[Beeping continues.]
Good, I like it! [Booing continues.]
Oh! No ramp! Aah! Girls and little Debbie, I need help! I got you, Coach! Lady terrorists, assemble! [Booing.]
Come on, ladies.
Back up, scabs! Who did that? [Growls.]
[Indistinct shouting.]
Billy: Go back to your lousy scabs! - She coming, Rod? - I don't know.
Stay down, dude.
Why aren't you doing anything to end this strike? Mm, I am 100% staying out of it.
I'm not about to incur the wrath of the teachers union.
[Chuckles.]
You think that Shoemaker actually had the foresight to call the teachers union? This is a rogue strike.
They could lose their jobs.
Oh, my god, Tammy! You might have just inadvertently stumbled into the solution to this whole mess.
If by "inadvertently," you mean that I gave you the information you need to solve it and by "stumbled," you mean that I did so with clarity and precision, then you're welcome.
- Okay, cool the 'tude, big "T" - [Scamp beeping.]
I'm gonna talk to Shoemaker, show him the way of the world.
And I'll tell you what, if things start to go south, I'll make the call.
- Oh, who you gonna call? - Ghostbuster - Ooh! - Damn, I'm sorry! Oh, it was a reflex.
Okay, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Let's just, uh, let's get this I haven't really had any feeling in my face Get this There you go.
Since the cinnamon-roll burn this morning.
Coach Fairbell, is there There something we can help you with?! Correction.
I'm here to help you.
I'm even more efficient now, thanks to my new catastrophe bag.
Uh I think that's a colostomy bag.
Nope, the The doctor took a look at it, and he said very specifically, "this is a catastrophe.
" Well, how about we do this you find someone to assist, and then just maybe kind of do whatever they say.
Sounds like the most important job in the whole school.
But first, I got to make a pit stop in the little boys' room.
I got a fresh catastrophe warming up my leg.
Yeah.
You know what I mean? - It's actually kind of comfortable.
- [Scamp beeping.]
Hey, I'll be back in a couple of minutes if you all need any super help.
I could just knock or just put, like, a sign on the If you change your mind, just yell.
What do we want? Together: Better working conditions! Better books for the library! And when do we want it? Now! Now! Now! Now! If not sooner! Okay, Abbey, how do we get sooner than now? How do we do that? Well, maybe that's what we're trying to change.
The fabric of time? Wait, so I'm being punished for being passionate? No! Oh, god, no, no! Please don't take it like that.
It's just that passion like yours is awful.
Psst, Shoemaker?! Jesus Christ, Quinn! What have I told you about sneaking up on me while I'm pissing? And what have I told you about urinating on our struggling trees? Whatever.
Did you come here to see what a real pair of testicles look like? - [Chuckles.]
- No.
I actually came down here to tell you to end this strike or I'm gonna call Union President Tarkington and let him know what you're doing down here.
You know what? You go ahead and you tell the union what we're doing here, 'cause we want them on our side.
Yeah? But you didn't ask their permission.
That's right.
Read your union guide, hoffa paragraph 3, section II.
"Any unauthorized strike shall result in the immediate termination of all those involved.
" What, this? Yeah, I-I would hardly even call this a strike, Quinn.
Abbey: This is definitely a strike! Yeah.
End this right now and all you've got is study-hall duty for the rest of the semester.
But you stay, and the union will can you like pole-caught tuna.
You know what, Shoemaker? I've been listening to you spout Neo-Socialist garbage for pretty much the whole time I've known you, but you really stepped up and put your money where your mouth is on this one, dude.
I'm actually proud of you.
Loren, we're [Bleep.]
.
Yeah, I hear that, bro.
Oh, man, I pissed all over my jogging jeans.
Hey, guys, we're doing great! And we will not go quietly! Or, or Hey, Abbey! Or we could all whisper behind the backs of our oppressors, huh? - Huh? - Th-that'll show 'em.
Do you all have the courage to cross your arms and stare in silent judgment? Silent what are you talking about? The news showed up! Oh, hell! It's the media! Our message is finally gonna be heard around the world! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Hi! I'm Gloria Guzman with Super Accion Noticias.
And you are? Uh, I'm Abbey Logan, but this is not about me.
I just want to thank you for having the balls to catch the beginnings of this important movement.
Actually, there's nothing beginning here.
Hi.
This is actually the ending of a faculty barbecue.
I'm sorry, who are you? No, who I am is not important.
His name is Billy Shoemaker.
Oh, Christ almighty.
Shoemaker, yes.
You were the person that called us this morning to alert us about the strike.
Oh, no, no, no! "Strike" is such an offensive and violent word for what you can see is really just a peaceful exchange of intellectual ideas.
[Both grunting.]
Oh, I would love to see the origami artist that made you, - you paper tiger.
- Hey, you want to get Japanese on me? The Green Reed which bends in the wind is stronger than the oak that breaks in the storm! Confucius was Chinese, idiot! All right! Nothing to be afraid of.
Death is a very natural part of life to be studied for scientific benefi Okay, the collar is still on.
Good God, could no one have taken that off first? Wow.
We got trouble with a capital "N!" Look, Tam-Tam, I know you can say that Work, but honestly, it makes me a little un No, news! The news is here to shoot the strike! - What?! - You got to get out there! - [High-pitched.]
- No, no, no! - [Normal voice.]
- No, I can't be seen on camera.
If Union President Tarkington sees that, he'll think I can't control my faculty.
- [Scamp beeping.]
- Fairbell! [Beeping continues.]
Great news! I found a job for you! Fireman? Astronaut?! No! Messenger boy.
Messenger boy! And that's why your father probably left! - Oh, that's a low - I'm sorry to interrupt.
Is this a strike or not? - No! - Yes! Could you just excuse us for one second? - Get over here! - Why are you shutting this down? I thought we believed in this.
I didn't get union approval.
- Hey, can anybody help me down? - What? Yeah, but if the union finds out about this, everyone loses their jobs.
[Scamp beeping.]
[Both chuckle.]
Sorry.
Did I say strike? - We're not striking.
- No.
A strike is what we call our faculty barbecues.
- Oh.
- [Chuckles.]
Like a strike a match to light a barbecue.
Or strike up a conversation.
- [Laughs.]
- Wordplay.
- Do not talk to the news! - Never been anything to see here.
Yes.
SÃ, se puede! Oh, Christ almighty.
SÃ, se puede! SÃ, se puede! Gloria Guzman.
I am such a fan.
Wow! Your exposé on bootleg NFL blankets totally changed my shopping habits.
I'm Loren Payton, leader of this strike.
So it is a strike? This is the strike of the century, guys.
Strike of the century.
What are you doing after this? They got a Senor Frog's in Stapleton now.
You want to unleash your fiesta? Oh, yeah! And then maybe we can get some shrimp at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.
You know Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.
? I'm gonna Evel Knievel it! Of course, why have scampi.
Shrimp scampi is so authentico.
I devour it.
All you can eat, too.
Hey, what are you doing? What do you mean, what am I doing? - Trying to wife up Guzman.
- Excuse me? We'll date for a little bit first after this whole strike thing settles down.
No, there's really nothing out of the ordinary to see here.
[Scamp beeping.]
Trebin: Holy crap! That crippled kid just fell down the stairs! All right, this is it! Move, move let's go.
Jorge, we have an injured handicapped child.
Sweetie, sweetie, are you are you Oh, that is you are a grown man.
I think I popped my bag.
Okay.
Well, this has been a waste of my time since I got out of the van.
All right.
Let's go.
Oh! Shoemaker! I can't believe you called the news here! Relax, Quinn, it's just super acción notÃcias.
Nobody saw it.
I am sick and tired of you walking all over me, okay? So right here, right now, you and I are gonna have it out, because I am not going anywh It's Union President Tarkington! 5-0, 5-0! Quinn, I'll handle Psych! - [Laughing.]
- [Sighs.]
That's the oldest trick in the book, guys.
Smoot strikers, I like what you're doing here.
Really? The civil disobedience, the grilling of breakfast food.
Semper fi! - Well, thank you.
- [Chuckles.]
But the suits downtown They're pretty pissed you didn't ask for permission first.
Trebin: Oh, please, don't fire us.
I have this secret family I'm paying for, and they g Geez, Trebin, button it up.
Forget it.
So I'm just looking for the leader.
Who's in charge? Does anybody want to step up and take responsibility? If somebody doesn't take responsibility here, you're all gonna have to.
Fine.
It was me, I'm the leader.
Nice try, Spartacus, but I'm looking for the actual leader.
No, it it really was me.
I I started all this.
No, it has to be someone who really inspires people.
Like that "Mario Kart" character.
That's inspiring.
- [Groaning.]
- Billy: Oh, Fairbell.
- [Groans.]
- You! - You're the leader! - What? - No, no, no! - Yeah, you! Your face is on the t-shirts! Punishment time.
[Crowd murmuring.]
Two weeks paid leave.
I don't want to see you anywhere near the campus.
That's his punishment two weeks off? I can't work for two weeks? Yeah, effective immediately.
I got to go.
My Uber driver is a minute away.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! This is not a leaderless revolution.
- I was the leader! - It was me! I started the whole thing! Ask Guzman! She'll tell you! I was in charge of the whole thing! Oh, come on! Two weeks paid leave.
It's ridiculous.
It's garbage! He falls from the rafters and he gets go home.
- Come on, lift me in, lift me in.
- Fairbell, didn't you hear Tarkington? You've got to go.
You can't be here anymore.
- [Crying.]
- Why are you doing this to me? We're doing this for your own good.
Now, you go on, you get out of here! Abbey: Get out of here! You get! You can't be here no more.
- You get! - [Scamp beeping.]
Go on! Billy: Head to the mountains now.
You get! Probably would have been more humane to just shoot him.
Definitely.
I'm thinking about just wearing this permanently.
Oh, it's Casual Friday.
[Sobbing.]
[Scamp beeping.]
[Crying.]
[Reverse gear beeping.]
Today is the day we climb Old Trusty.
Been in this gym longer than anyone alive.
This climb's gonna separate the strong from the weak.
Ow! Ooh! I got a sliver.
[Groans.]
All right, I'm gonna demonstrate to get us kicked off here, okay? It's not that hard.
- [Groans.]
- Oh! Just give it a [Groans.]
Loren: And that's when we found this little cantina called Senor Frog's, you guys.
Authentico, piro.
Authentico.
Now, this margarita is not gonna be as good as theirs, I'll tell you that right now, but you have to start somewhere.
So who wants a virgin Barely alcoholic margarita? Who's in? Everybody? Yes, that's what I'm talking about, guys.
We're having fun and we're learning.
[Electricity crackles.]
Oh, god damn it! Billy: Believe it or not, W.
E.
B.
Du Bois actually opposed the Atlanta compromise.
Now, Du Bois was born here in Great Barrington - God! Not again! - [Laughter.]
Jesus, this this place is falling Enough! I'll show you on my globe here.
Now, Du Bois was born [Laughter.]
God damn it! Get out! Get out! Oh, it's funny, isn't it?! - [Growls.]
- [Girl screams.]
[Groans.]
God! [Growling.]
[Grunting.]
All right.
Oh, wow, this rope is extremely old.
It's all It's all frayed up here.
Give the bell a little ring-a-ding, and down we go.
[Bell dings.]
- Aah! - [All screaming.]
[Bell clatters.]
Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through button for you Button for me I make buttons, one, two, three Tammy: Oh, hell no! If you brush by me again, I will slap those tattoos off your arms.
That's not how tattoos work, Tammy.
Hey, Geoffrey, this place is going to shit, okay? This morning, my map fell off the wall, a-and then my stool broke, and then, um, All the kids' desks broke into a bunch of pieces.
Okay, time out.
I'm sorry to hear that, Mr.
Shoemaker.
And l I'll be the first to admit we are in dire need of new supplies, but the reality is we're out of money.
[Chuckles.]
Well, then get it from the district.
[Scoffs.]
I'm an administrator, not a professional fundraiser.
Well, then why do all those buttons say "professional fundraiser" on them? They say "professional fun raiser," and that's a title I gladly accept.
Right, and while you're sitting here making buttons, Fairbell is on his deathbed right now.
[Horn squeaking.]
To infinity and beyond! [Humming.]
Thank you for making an appointment, Coach Fairbell.
First call I made after I regained consciousness.
What the hell is that? They were out of rascals at the hospital, so they gave me this scamp.
Pretty sweet, huh? It's normally for malnourished kids.
It's got two speeds slug and scared dog.
[Scamp beeping.]
Okay, well, I think we all agree we're very glad that you didn't die.
Nope, just some fluid on the brain, but the doctor said there was plenty of room to swell.
Hmm! Hear that? Sounds like a crisis averted.
Hey, just because he heals like a starfish doesn't mean that you're off the hook.
And I'm telling you, Geoffrey, if you don't do something about this, we're gonna strike.
You Wouldn't Dare.
Try me.
This isn't the first time a Shoemaker's threatened a button maker.
[Scamp beeping.]
I put an anarchy symbol in your zen garden.
[Sighs.]
Come on, R2.
[Scamp beeping.]
Fairbell, don't go.
Fairbell Don't go.
Fairbell? I'm sorry.
[Scamp beeping.]
Son of a Now, who among us has suffered because Quinn won't fight for us?! He won't give us wifi for the library, which is bullshit! Yes, Abbey! - [Applause.]
- Trebin? Yes, I can't afford frogs for my biology dissections, so I'm forced to use cats.
[Murmuring.]
Let's hear it for Abbey again, huh? Yeah! I don't want to work anymore! Yeah, I don't want to work at all! Thank you, Rod and Loren.
This morning, our cause finally found its face when wheels and whistles here fell from the rafters and suffered the kind of hip dysplasia normally reserved for old German Shepherds.
But tomorrow, we do it for all the Fairbells of the world! - [Chanting.]
- Fairbell! Fairbell! Now, Leslie has graciously offered to provide us with water and snacks for the long haul.
Anything for Fairbell.
Thank you, Leslie.
- [Chanting.]
- Fairbell! Fairbell! Yes, Fairbell? How long does a strike last? Days, months As long as it takes to get these pigs to listen to us! - For Fairbell! - Billy: Okay! - [Scamp beeping.]
- [Chanting.]
Fairbell, Fairbell, Fairbell! Months? That means I can't coach my girls.
I've changed my mind.
I don't want to strike.
I don't want to strike.
Could you just all excuse me for just one second here? Just one second.
What the hell are you talking about, Fairbell? All of this is for you, so, yes, you are doing it.
No, I'm not.
Besides, I love it here at Smoot.
I bleed red and gray.
That's because there's bone marrow in your blood.
I'm warning you, Fairbell, if you're not with us, you're against us.
[Scamp beeping.]
Well, then I guess I'm against us.
I'm leaving this traitor's den.
[Scamp beeping.]
- [All booing.]
- Oh, piss yourselves! Yeah, whatever! I got your flag! - Get out of here! - [Indistinct shouting.]
Abbey: You guys? Billy: What are you doing? We don't need him anyway! - [Chanting.]
- We don't need him anyway! All: We don't need him anyway! Abbey, that's your platform.
Abbey's right.
Hey, hey, Abbey is right.
Abbey is right! Abbey is right! We don't need him anyway, because tomorrow, we go on strike! Oh! - All: [Chanting.]
- Strike, strike, strike, strike! Strike, strike, strike, strike! Strike, strike! Strike, strike, strike, strike! Aah! Oh! Leslie: Okay, we got strike water, six bucks.
Chips, $4.
50, and show solidarity with a Smoot strike bear only 25 bucks.
- What is this? - What? What did you where'd you get this, at a plane-crash site? I thought you were giving us this stuff for free? Ha! Stupid, stupid Shoemaker.
- You think my kids work for free? - Yeah.
Well, I have to get paid for making them work for free, okay? Mind your own business, Buttinsky.
Strike water, six bucks.
Thank you for coming out.
Thank you for being here.
Now, today, when things get tough And they will remember our demands are simple.
Safer working conditions.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Adequate school supplies.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! And an equitable restructuring of our school's 403(B) retirement plan, abolishing all reservation charges, lowering interest rates below 1% for the perpetuity of our enrollment.
Can you hear us in your ivory tower, Principal Quinn? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Come on! [Cheering.]
That's what I'm talking about.
Bring in the fire - What? - Abbey: I'm sorry I'm late.
I've been up all night making these strike t-shirts.
What do you think? Billy: Abbey, listen, I kind of wish that maybe you would ask me about things like this in the future this being my strike and all.
So, is this what it's about for you? Like, you want to be a leader guy? Well at occupy Denver, we had no leaders! [Laughs.]
- You were at occupy? - Yeah! Weren't you? No, I didn't go because occupy was just a bunch of disorganized teens peeing on trees.
No, it was about the 99% rising up against the 1%! It was about camaraderie and passion! - All: Yeah! - Like this! Yeah! So we wander into this cantina, and it was authentico, piro.
Authentico, authentico, man.
-Senor Frog's? - Mm! Yeah, that's where I unleash my fiesta.
Mm-hmm.
I think it's their slogan, but that's what I do there, yeah.
It's tucked right down that alley next to the T.
G.
I.
Viernes I cannot believe you've been to Senor Frog's.
- That is ridiculous! - Yeah.
You get those cinnamon rolls nice and hot yet? Rod, what are you doing? That's lighter fluid.
Vodka, right.
I'm a professional.
[Coughing.]
That That's mm! That's the wrong container.
Scabs are here.
Billy: Here come the scabs! They're bussing them in! And we'll give 'em hell! - Spit on 'em! - [Crowd booing.]
Abbey! You guys suck! All right, handle it from here, Abbey.
Thank you.
[Booing continues.]
Welcome to hell, everyone! [Laughing.]
- [Scamp beeping.]
- [Laughing.]
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the theory of nothing.
Here to help your scab friends, I see.
Yeah, well, at least I have my dignity.
[Horn squeaks.]
- Boo! - Give 'em hell! Boo yourself! You sound like a bunch of dumb ghosts! Rod, hand me my barbecue tongs.
- Ah! - [Sizzling.]
[Sizzling continues.]
Oh! [Screaming.]
Oh! Nice shot, Loren.
Bet you couldn't do it again.
[Screaming.]
Two for two! [Screaming.]
It's sizzling hot, Loren! You got what you deserved, you scabs! [Booing.]
Show 'em how you feel scab trash, only a quarter.
[Beeping continues.]
Good, I like it! [Booing continues.]
Oh! No ramp! Aah! Girls and little Debbie, I need help! I got you, Coach! Lady terrorists, assemble! [Booing.]
Come on, ladies.
Back up, scabs! Who did that? [Growls.]
[Indistinct shouting.]
Billy: Go back to your lousy scabs! - She coming, Rod? - I don't know.
Stay down, dude.
Why aren't you doing anything to end this strike? Mm, I am 100% staying out of it.
I'm not about to incur the wrath of the teachers union.
[Chuckles.]
You think that Shoemaker actually had the foresight to call the teachers union? This is a rogue strike.
They could lose their jobs.
Oh, my god, Tammy! You might have just inadvertently stumbled into the solution to this whole mess.
If by "inadvertently," you mean that I gave you the information you need to solve it and by "stumbled," you mean that I did so with clarity and precision, then you're welcome.
- Okay, cool the 'tude, big "T" - [Scamp beeping.]
I'm gonna talk to Shoemaker, show him the way of the world.
And I'll tell you what, if things start to go south, I'll make the call.
- Oh, who you gonna call? - Ghostbuster - Ooh! - Damn, I'm sorry! Oh, it was a reflex.
Okay, I'm fine, I'm fine.
Let's just, uh, let's get this I haven't really had any feeling in my face Get this There you go.
Since the cinnamon-roll burn this morning.
Coach Fairbell, is there There something we can help you with?! Correction.
I'm here to help you.
I'm even more efficient now, thanks to my new catastrophe bag.
Uh I think that's a colostomy bag.
Nope, the The doctor took a look at it, and he said very specifically, "this is a catastrophe.
" Well, how about we do this you find someone to assist, and then just maybe kind of do whatever they say.
Sounds like the most important job in the whole school.
But first, I got to make a pit stop in the little boys' room.
I got a fresh catastrophe warming up my leg.
Yeah.
You know what I mean? - It's actually kind of comfortable.
- [Scamp beeping.]
Hey, I'll be back in a couple of minutes if you all need any super help.
I could just knock or just put, like, a sign on the If you change your mind, just yell.
What do we want? Together: Better working conditions! Better books for the library! And when do we want it? Now! Now! Now! Now! If not sooner! Okay, Abbey, how do we get sooner than now? How do we do that? Well, maybe that's what we're trying to change.
The fabric of time? Wait, so I'm being punished for being passionate? No! Oh, god, no, no! Please don't take it like that.
It's just that passion like yours is awful.
Psst, Shoemaker?! Jesus Christ, Quinn! What have I told you about sneaking up on me while I'm pissing? And what have I told you about urinating on our struggling trees? Whatever.
Did you come here to see what a real pair of testicles look like? - [Chuckles.]
- No.
I actually came down here to tell you to end this strike or I'm gonna call Union President Tarkington and let him know what you're doing down here.
You know what? You go ahead and you tell the union what we're doing here, 'cause we want them on our side.
Yeah? But you didn't ask their permission.
That's right.
Read your union guide, hoffa paragraph 3, section II.
"Any unauthorized strike shall result in the immediate termination of all those involved.
" What, this? Yeah, I-I would hardly even call this a strike, Quinn.
Abbey: This is definitely a strike! Yeah.
End this right now and all you've got is study-hall duty for the rest of the semester.
But you stay, and the union will can you like pole-caught tuna.
You know what, Shoemaker? I've been listening to you spout Neo-Socialist garbage for pretty much the whole time I've known you, but you really stepped up and put your money where your mouth is on this one, dude.
I'm actually proud of you.
Loren, we're [Bleep.]
.
Yeah, I hear that, bro.
Oh, man, I pissed all over my jogging jeans.
Hey, guys, we're doing great! And we will not go quietly! Or, or Hey, Abbey! Or we could all whisper behind the backs of our oppressors, huh? - Huh? - Th-that'll show 'em.
Do you all have the courage to cross your arms and stare in silent judgment? Silent what are you talking about? The news showed up! Oh, hell! It's the media! Our message is finally gonna be heard around the world! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Hi! I'm Gloria Guzman with Super Accion Noticias.
And you are? Uh, I'm Abbey Logan, but this is not about me.
I just want to thank you for having the balls to catch the beginnings of this important movement.
Actually, there's nothing beginning here.
Hi.
This is actually the ending of a faculty barbecue.
I'm sorry, who are you? No, who I am is not important.
His name is Billy Shoemaker.
Oh, Christ almighty.
Shoemaker, yes.
You were the person that called us this morning to alert us about the strike.
Oh, no, no, no! "Strike" is such an offensive and violent word for what you can see is really just a peaceful exchange of intellectual ideas.
[Both grunting.]
Oh, I would love to see the origami artist that made you, - you paper tiger.
- Hey, you want to get Japanese on me? The Green Reed which bends in the wind is stronger than the oak that breaks in the storm! Confucius was Chinese, idiot! All right! Nothing to be afraid of.
Death is a very natural part of life to be studied for scientific benefi Okay, the collar is still on.
Good God, could no one have taken that off first? Wow.
We got trouble with a capital "N!" Look, Tam-Tam, I know you can say that Work, but honestly, it makes me a little un No, news! The news is here to shoot the strike! - What?! - You got to get out there! - [High-pitched.]
- No, no, no! - [Normal voice.]
- No, I can't be seen on camera.
If Union President Tarkington sees that, he'll think I can't control my faculty.
- [Scamp beeping.]
- Fairbell! [Beeping continues.]
Great news! I found a job for you! Fireman? Astronaut?! No! Messenger boy.
Messenger boy! And that's why your father probably left! - Oh, that's a low - I'm sorry to interrupt.
Is this a strike or not? - No! - Yes! Could you just excuse us for one second? - Get over here! - Why are you shutting this down? I thought we believed in this.
I didn't get union approval.
- Hey, can anybody help me down? - What? Yeah, but if the union finds out about this, everyone loses their jobs.
[Scamp beeping.]
[Both chuckle.]
Sorry.
Did I say strike? - We're not striking.
- No.
A strike is what we call our faculty barbecues.
- Oh.
- [Chuckles.]
Like a strike a match to light a barbecue.
Or strike up a conversation.
- [Laughs.]
- Wordplay.
- Do not talk to the news! - Never been anything to see here.
Yes.
SÃ, se puede! Oh, Christ almighty.
SÃ, se puede! SÃ, se puede! Gloria Guzman.
I am such a fan.
Wow! Your exposé on bootleg NFL blankets totally changed my shopping habits.
I'm Loren Payton, leader of this strike.
So it is a strike? This is the strike of the century, guys.
Strike of the century.
What are you doing after this? They got a Senor Frog's in Stapleton now.
You want to unleash your fiesta? Oh, yeah! And then maybe we can get some shrimp at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.
You know Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.
? I'm gonna Evel Knievel it! Of course, why have scampi.
Shrimp scampi is so authentico.
I devour it.
All you can eat, too.
Hey, what are you doing? What do you mean, what am I doing? - Trying to wife up Guzman.
- Excuse me? We'll date for a little bit first after this whole strike thing settles down.
No, there's really nothing out of the ordinary to see here.
[Scamp beeping.]
Trebin: Holy crap! That crippled kid just fell down the stairs! All right, this is it! Move, move let's go.
Jorge, we have an injured handicapped child.
Sweetie, sweetie, are you are you Oh, that is you are a grown man.
I think I popped my bag.
Okay.
Well, this has been a waste of my time since I got out of the van.
All right.
Let's go.
Oh! Shoemaker! I can't believe you called the news here! Relax, Quinn, it's just super acción notÃcias.
Nobody saw it.
I am sick and tired of you walking all over me, okay? So right here, right now, you and I are gonna have it out, because I am not going anywh It's Union President Tarkington! 5-0, 5-0! Quinn, I'll handle Psych! - [Laughing.]
- [Sighs.]
That's the oldest trick in the book, guys.
Smoot strikers, I like what you're doing here.
Really? The civil disobedience, the grilling of breakfast food.
Semper fi! - Well, thank you.
- [Chuckles.]
But the suits downtown They're pretty pissed you didn't ask for permission first.
Trebin: Oh, please, don't fire us.
I have this secret family I'm paying for, and they g Geez, Trebin, button it up.
Forget it.
So I'm just looking for the leader.
Who's in charge? Does anybody want to step up and take responsibility? If somebody doesn't take responsibility here, you're all gonna have to.
Fine.
It was me, I'm the leader.
Nice try, Spartacus, but I'm looking for the actual leader.
No, it it really was me.
I I started all this.
No, it has to be someone who really inspires people.
Like that "Mario Kart" character.
That's inspiring.
- [Groaning.]
- Billy: Oh, Fairbell.
- [Groans.]
- You! - You're the leader! - What? - No, no, no! - Yeah, you! Your face is on the t-shirts! Punishment time.
[Crowd murmuring.]
Two weeks paid leave.
I don't want to see you anywhere near the campus.
That's his punishment two weeks off? I can't work for two weeks? Yeah, effective immediately.
I got to go.
My Uber driver is a minute away.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! This is not a leaderless revolution.
- I was the leader! - It was me! I started the whole thing! Ask Guzman! She'll tell you! I was in charge of the whole thing! Oh, come on! Two weeks paid leave.
It's ridiculous.
It's garbage! He falls from the rafters and he gets go home.
- Come on, lift me in, lift me in.
- Fairbell, didn't you hear Tarkington? You've got to go.
You can't be here anymore.
- [Crying.]
- Why are you doing this to me? We're doing this for your own good.
Now, you go on, you get out of here! Abbey: Get out of here! You get! You can't be here no more.
- You get! - [Scamp beeping.]
Go on! Billy: Head to the mountains now.
You get! Probably would have been more humane to just shoot him.
Definitely.
I'm thinking about just wearing this permanently.
Oh, it's Casual Friday.
[Sobbing.]
[Scamp beeping.]
[Crying.]
[Reverse gear beeping.]