Three's Company (1977) s01e03 Episode Script

Come and knock on our door we've been waiting for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company too come and dance on our floor take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company too you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is calling for you down at our rendezvous three's company too be quiet helen, you're going to wake karen.
Filing my nails is going to wake up your niece? It's not the filing, it's the breaking.
Every time you break a nail you swear loud enough to wake the dead.
Oh, so that's what got you up.
Just hold it down, will ya? I mean she flew in from new york and she's tired.
You've heard of jet lag, haven't you? Heard of it? I married it.
She's trying to adjust to a new time zone.
She's trying to adjust to living the life of a nun.
What's that supposed to mean? You never let her out of your sight.
You're more like her jailer than her uncle.
That's ridiculous.
She's having a good time.
She's having a boring time.
Boringhow can you say that? Didn't i take her to disneyland didn't i take her to the museum didn't i walk out to the en d of the pier with her? Didn't i tell her every night about my experiences in the war? You call that boring, huh? Helen? Helen? Oh, sorry stanley, i must've drifted off.
Look, i promised my brother that i'd take good care of her and that's just what i'm doing oh, well, she ought to be out having some fun with people her own age.
She ought to be out dating.
Dating? In this city? It's crawling with freaks and- and weirdos and-and perverts.
Oh, i wasn't talking about your friends stanley.
I just hope you don't make a crack like that in front of karen, you'll give her the wrong idea of her uncle.
Oh, i think she has the right idea of you.
I hope so.
Oh! Whatwhat? Why don't you let her meet the kids upstairs? You mean the andrews sisters? Andrews sisters? Yeah, patty, maxine, and tinkerbell.
Oh, of course, you're right, stanley.
Oh, i forgot.
She'd never be interested in a fella like jack.
You mean he would never be interested in any girl.
I don't understand people like jack.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
For once in your life, you got a smart idea.
We should put this date down on the calendar.
When she gets up and gets dressed, i'm going to go talk to jac k about taking her out.
I mean dating him is as safe as sending her out in an armored truck.
E.
Hey, i got janet 's birthday cak oh, good.
Where's the birthday girl oh, she's in the kitchen keepin an eye on your birthday dinner.
And who's keeping an eye on her oh, you shouldn't sneak up like that.
And you shouldn't turn around like that when i'm sneaking up like that.
I was going to give you a big surprise birthday kiss.
Well, why did you have to sneak up? What do you want me to do? Phone for an appointment? No.
Okay, you can kiss me now.
No, the moment's ruined.
Maybe i'll go and sneak u p and surprise chrissy.
It's not her birthday till january.
Why wait till the last minute? Jack.
I want my birthday kiss.
All right.
Surprise.
Happy birthday no, you.
T.
Righ happy birthday.
Ve.
You-you shouldn't ha my pleasure.
It.
Oh, oh, gee, we're stuck, wa oh, well, there's no sens in wasting all this closeness.
Well, let's just save tha t for next year.
Just get my chain unstuck i got it.
Al.
Oh, be careful, it's very speci why? My grandmother gave it to me.
It used to have a beautiful cameo hanging from it.
Oh, did you lose it? No, i hocked it.
It was about three months ago, we needed rent money.
Uh, jack, could i see you for a minute? Re.
Su sorry, kid, you had your chance.
"Happy birthday jimmy?" Who is jimmy? I don't know.
Some guy who didn't pick up his cake.
That-that's why i got it at half-price.
You can't give janet a jimm y cake, she might notice.
Chrissy, it's easily fixed.
All i have to do is scrape off the "immy," so it reads happy birthday "j," which is even better, has that informal touch.
Where you going? Into the kitchen to fix the cake.
But what about janet? I like her the way she is, i'll just fix the cake.
What i mean is what if she sees it? It'll spoil the whole surprise.
Chrissy, she knows it's her birthday.
She knows i'm cooking a special dinner to celebrate.
She even told me where to buy the cake.
Well, that's what i mean.
One more hint and she's going to know for sure.
Okay, i'll do it later.
What did you get janet for her birthday? Oh, i got her a terrific scarf.
Oh, that's nice.
Well, it's not only pretty, it's practical.
It goes with all my outfits too.
I wish i could raise some money to get janet a present.
Oh, you're cooking dinner , that's enough.
Hi.
E? Uh, would you excuse us, pleas do you want to be alone? No, i want to talk to jack.
It'll just be a minute.
Okay.
Do you want to sit down? Do you, uh, enjoy being here? U? You mean with yo t? No, l-i mean in this apartmen yeah, it's fine.
That-that's good.
You don't mind if i'm a little nosy, do you? Well, we're getting used to it.
I was just wondering.
Did you ever take out a girl before? Before what? I mean it's not against the rules for you fellas, is it? Rules? I mean because, well, like, i go out with other guys.
You do no, you know what i mean.
I go bowling or go to a ball game.
Oh, well, i could do that with a girl, i guess.
That's terrific.
Because i wouldn't want you to do anything that would go against your religion.
I'm not sure i'm following you well, see, we have this niece visiting us and mrs.
Roper and i were just wondering if- if it would be all right if she went out with you tonight? Oh, you want me to go out with your niece? Yeah, but you don't have to go anywhere where you might bump into some of your friends.
Oh, well, thank you.
Well, you could take her dancing.
Dancing? Yeah, the way the kids dance nowadays, you don't even have to touch her.
Mr.
Roper, i'd be happy to take out your niece.
Wonderful.
But i can't.
Today is janet's birthday and i don't want to miss that.
We got a cake.
We're planning dinner and everything.
Oh, well- sorry.
Could you put off the birthday until tomorrow? I'm sorry, but th anks for asking d.
I'm very flattere yeah, i knew you would be.
Of course, of course, i wouldn't want you to do anything against your religion.
Oh, you heard? Well, of course we did.
We were eavesdropping.
I think it is very noble of you to turn him down on my account.
Well, it wasn't quite as noble as you think.
Why not? Suddenly i got a vision of what roper's niece would look like.
Oh, yeah, imagine roper's face on a girl.
Imagine roper's body on a girl.
Well, i still think it was really nice of you to stay for my birthday.
Hey, i wouldn't miss your birthday for anything.
What do you think i am? Some kind of a fink? Ahem, jack, uh, don't you have something to do? Hum? Like pick up the wine for the you know what? You mean the wine for my surprise birthday party? Oh, you guessed.
The surprise is, it's going to be beer.
In.
Hi aga mr.
Roper, i thought i told you- oh, i thought that you might want to meet my niece anyway.
Uh, karen? Want to come in and say hello to jack.
Hi.
Whatoh, hi, hi.
And this is chrissy and janet.
Hi.
Hello.
Jack? Hi.
Can i talk with you? Oh, sure.
Excuse me, uh, your uncle wants to talk to me for a minute, i'll be right back.
Here.
What's this fifty bucks.
For me i know it goes against your grain, but you've got to do me a favor and take her out.
Fifty bucks? Yeah, i'll lend you my car.
I mean, anything to get mrs.
Roper off my back.
Will you do it? S.
Oh, ye uncle stanley and aunt helen have been very nice, only i think my uncle must have had an accident or something.
Oh? Yeah.
He can't seem to remember anything that's happened since the war.
Karen? I think jack here wants to ask you something.
Oh, he can ask me anything.
Uh, yeah, uh, karen, how would you like me to show you the town tonight? Oh, i'd love it.
Okay, let's go.
See ya.
Wait a minute.
What about the party? Just take the dinner out of the stove in 20 minutes.
Well-? I'll be back in time for the party, bye-bye.
Bye.
Don't be late.
And jack's really a nice person nice fink.
Cheers cheers.
That wasn't a nice thing to do to jack's hat.
You're right.
I should've waited till his head was in it.
I don't understand, he said he'd be back in time.
Something must've happened to him.
Someonehappened to him.
Someone with big blue eyes and boo- okay, okay.
You know, chrissy, there was something about that karen that i didn't like.
She's a very beautiful girl that was it.
Do you think jack noticed? Noticed? Uh, he notices anything female.
I think his head is built on a swivel.
You know wha t the trouble is hum? We're jealous.
Uh-je-jealous? Of jack? I'm not jealous.
I'm mad- mad that he sto od us up on my birthday.
Now, we don't own him janet remember, he's just a third of the rent.
Yeah.
Ok.
And a great co yeah.
And a watchdog well, then he should be here watching me blow out my candles.
Chrissy, do you dig him? He's okay.
No.
No, i mean, if he wasn't living here, would you- would i what? You know.
Jack? Yeah.
U? Would yo i asked you first.
Would you? Pe.
No oh.
Not unless he asked me to.
Well, you know me janet.
I just hate to be rude.
You're right anyway, we don't own him.
E he's got his own life to lead and let's just cut that cak and let's hope his leg heals very quickly.
His leg? Yeah, the one i'm going to break.
Stanley, will you stop that pacing and come to bed? I'm not sleepy.
That's the best time to come to bed.
Helen, i'm worried.
It's almost midnight and my niece isn't back yet well, she's probably having a good time, that's what you wanted, isn't it? It's not that, and my car's been overheating and i just don't want the m to go too far.
You don't have to worry, stanley, she's with jack.
Remember you know, you're right.
How far can they go? Come to bed.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I just had a thought.
Well, there's a first tim e for everything.
Helen, guys like jack, is it possible they've got some normalness left over in them that could come out at any time? Ey.
I don't know, stanl i mean, my niece is a beautiful girl, he could convert.
Don't worry ge.
I don't think j ack will ever chan you're not just saying that to make me feel better, are you? No, stanley.
Because you read about it in the papers all the time, about people are getting changed from men to women and vice-versa.
How do they do it, helen? They have an operation.
I know they have an operation, but how do they do it? I can see them taking things off but how do they put them on? Scotch tape.
Aren't you coming in? Uh, well, it's kinda late , i don't think i should.
Oh, come on, just for a beer.
Um, okay.
One fast beer.
It doesn't have to be that fast i feel a little uneasy about your uncle roper.
Oh, don't worry about him my aunt helen says he sleeps through everything.
Here's your beer.
Jack.
You have been annoying me all evening.
Annoying you how? I thought i'd been behaving like a perfect gentleman.
That's how.
I mean, there we were, stuck on the freeway for hours and the only thing you fiddled with was the radiator.
I fixed it, didn't i? G you sure don't act like a man who's been livin with two women.
Well, every man's entitle d to a night off.
Not on my time.
I think you dropped something.
Well? Oh, l-you want me to pick it up? Jack? Well, here goes my night off.
It's going to be a lovely dress we'll have the second fitting tomorrow night.
Good night.
You're not fooling me with that second fitting.
You don't even have a tape measure.
Maybe that's why they need a second fitting, stanley.
Don't try to protect them , helen, i've got eyes, i know what i saw.
Did you learn anything will you stay out of this, helen? N.
Mr.
Roper, l-i can explai you don't have to explain anything.
Just get out.
Does this mean i can't finish my beer? Just get out.
Get out of here, i mean out of this building.
Pack your things and leave.
Say good night to karen for me.
Don't you think you were a little harsh? I wasn't harsh enough.
You saw what he was doing with my niece.
He was acting normal.
That's sick.
Hello? Is somebody there? Yeah, it's me.
Jack.
No chrissy, there's nobody there.
You don't have to get hostile just because i'm a little late, janet.
Get lost.
I have something i want to say- hey, you know something? This cake is delicious.
Janet? Chrissy? Oh, i get it.
The silent treatment.
Oh, boy, if there's one thing i hate, it's the silent treatment look, i just came up to pack my things and say goodbye.
Goodbye.
Boy, are you sensitive.
You don't have to leave jus because you missed the party.
Even though it was a lousy thing to do.
And crummy.
And despicable.
And rotten.
Could we go back to the silent treatment? You don't have to move out.
I'll get over it.
Roper won't.
Roper? Yeah, i had a little trouble in his car.
Oh, what happened? Did she say no? Roper's car overheated on the freeway.
And roper's niece? On the living room sofa.
And then roper came in and caught us and that's when the whole place boiled over.
Well, what happened? Nothing.
But he kicked me out anyway.
I have to move.
Oh, jack.
Yeah.
Oh, we don't want to lose you.
Oh, that roper, he's got a lot of nerve throwing his weight around like that.
Hi listen you.
This is a partnership here.
And if you throw one of us out, then you throw us all out.
Right? Right.
T.
Righ what? I came up to apologize for my niece.
What? Well, she admitted she practically attacked poor jack here, and he showed no interest at all.
And the poor girl feels like she's over the hill.
Karen, over the hill? Yeah, but it's okay now, i told her all about jack.
What'd you tell her? Oh, just a little fairy story.
Anyhow, she's sorry and so am i but now, does that mean that he can stay? Sure.
Sure.
Jack has his rights, just like any other minority.
We're so glad you can stay.
Oh, boy, i was sweating there for a minute.
So were we.
Yeah, but still, that was really mean of you not to come tonight.
Where were you all night? Well, we drove around a lot and i had a special errand to run.
Oh, can it jack.
What kind of special errand is going to be- oh, janet, it's your cameo.
Oh, you bought it back from the pawn shop.
Um-hum.
Where'd you get the money for it? Well, i couldn't waste roper's money on karen, could i? Janet, oh, come on, you know how i hate the silent treatment.
Boy helen, the kids today are getting wilder and wilder, not like when we were young.
How long did we go together before i tried anything? Well, let me see now- - i think we were marrie d about two years.
Three's company was videotaped in front of a studio audience.