Threesome (2011) s01e03 Episode Script

I'm going to show you the most terrifying thing in the world.
Your baby.
Are you afraid of baby? No.
Baby's not to be afraid of, baby's to be loved and managed.
Even if baby is a source of noise and chaos and dirt Put that out! That's what these classes are for, to unleash your hero within.
- Alice, mine's a little black baby.
- So what makes a hero? Is it bravery, love, or is it rules? I'll give you the back story.
You get around.
Antonia's rule number one.
Bad babying begins with bad parenting.
I trust that you're all responsible, sensible people.
Whoa! Oh! Dare, dare! Okay.
Eat my creamy nips.
Now, that's what I call a dare.
A dare, give me that.
Now, that's what I call a dare.
Truth, truth, truth! Antonia's rule number two.
Know your enemy.
Spend some time with other peoples' children.
Oh, my God, they're going to school and I'm still wasted.
Oh Antonia's rule number three.
Fortify your castle.
You need to create a safe, stable environment at home.
- Morning, guys.
- Mmm.
This is Larry, Barry, Mohammed and Jesus.
I know.
Who'd have thought they'd get on so well? So, let's meet our heroes.
Alice.
Alice! Tiny, little penis.
Hello.
Um, I'm Alice And this is Mitch and Richie, the dads.
Hello, hello.
Slightly unconventional, two dads.
Because We were laughing earlier, saying, um, it's sort of like, "Did you hear the one about the Englishman, "the Irishwoman and the Scotsman?" - Couple number two.
- Couple number two, please.
Insert your nipple into the pump.
Initially, only drops of milk will appear.
After you trigger your milk ejection reflex, you'll see if start to spray out of your nipple.
Continue to pump, until the milk ceases to flow Get right in there, give it a good wipe.
It's just peanut butter and sweet corn.
Believe me, parents, the real deal will be far, far worse.
Very good, Mitch.
Rather bad, Alice.
Oh, you've got a little bit of, um Mmm.
As every good general will tell you, strategy is the key.
You need a good birthing plan.
Why do you need a plan? - I thought you were just gonna push.
- No.
No, you need to do, like, a proper list for the hospital, to tell them what drugs you want and what you don't want and who you want to be there.
And I need to do one.
Oh, it's all right, princess, I've already put a draft together.
- You've done me a birthing plan? - Yeah.
Oh, that reminds me.
On the big day, in your packed lunch, what will you want, white bread or brown? - Bye.
- Bye.
- See you.
- Yeah, bye, Antonia.
I'm scared, Richie.
I got the books, I bought the DVDs, I even went to that crazy baby expo, where all the women had that look on their faces.
See the way they looked at you, when you asked if the baby would come out with teeth, they were like, "Eh?" Yep.
And that was a completely reasonable question.
They're all clones, a smugness.
I bet they don't even have individual names.
Bye, Frank! Oh, I know what you mean, Carol, I was saying exactly the same thing to Simon over the tea break.
Look, you take care.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- See you later.
Oh, what a lovely group of people.
Friends for life, there, I reckon.
You know what, I really, really need to go out and get fucked.
Yeah, but you can't because you've given up drinks and drugs.
Oh, you mean fucked? Christ, I'm gonna be a dad.
You can be my daddy.
Please let the baby be straight.
Please let the baby be straight! It's eight o'clock and this is your classic hits half hour.
Oh.
Damn.
Morning, sunshine.
Ah.
Morning.
- Eddie - It's Dave.
Ah.
Oh, yeah, Dave.
Right.
Of course.
Listen, Dave, did we play Lego last night? You were so pissed.
Ah, shit.
I haven't drunk in months.
We promised to Alice just to How come you're so un-hungover? Well, constitution of an ox, me.
Ah.
Constitution of an ox, cock of a horse.
Throw another shrimp on the barbie, I just fucked Crocodile Dundee.
Hmm.
- I could do with a cup of tea.
- Oh? Be a gentleman.
- Your all-time favourite flavour jam? - Gooseberry.
Easy.
Morning.
And, good morning.
Morning all, this is Dave, doing the walk of shame.
- Take a seat, Dave, get some cereal.
- Hi, Dave.
- Hi, Dave.
- Hello.
I always find tea goes better without sugar.
Yeah.
Great arms, Dave.
Oh, cheers, you know, I'm a builder.
- Oh, 10, then? - No, just the one.
Just one.
I'm gonna get changed first.
All right.
Oof! Back of the net, Richie! Ah, OMG! Ah! He's gorgeous.
Huh? Did you check out the guns? I think I'd rate him as lush.
- What are you doing? - Sorry.
That's all right.
Mmm-mmm.
I did have a great time last night.
So That's my number, give us a call if you wanna have another play.
Yeah, yeah, I will do, have fun b buildering.
All right, cheers.
See you.
Dave.
Don't you judge me.
At Least I've got a nose.
I won't lie to you, it's like a bereavement.
The loss of your old life.
Thoughts? Now, the floor is yours.
- Alice? - Well, Antonia, I like to have a little bit of a lot of fun.
And, I guess now I'm gonna miss that.
And I'm going to miss my immaturity.
Antonia, I'm really going to miss my immaturity.
Oh, Jesus, does that sound really bad out loud? - Yes.
- Okay.
Richie? How would you react to the words, "casual, random and sex"? "Multiple partners "Male.
" Not well.
Enlighten us, Mitch.
What are you gonna miss about your old life? Nothing.
- Nothing? - Nothing.
- Nothing? - Nothing.
I'm having a baby with the people I love most in the world.
I can't wait.
- And, naturally, that too, of course.
- I was gonna say the same thing.
We're gonna have to stop thinking about ourselves, start thinking about the baby.
New life, new rules.
You know, we're gonna have to start paying attention.
What we need to do is focus on the baby's well-being.
Yep.
The old responsibility, eyes at the back of our heads.
- Stop, look, listen.
- Eyes wide open.
Multi-tasking with the best of them.
Basically, - we need to be more like Mitch.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
No, Richie, I actually don't know if I can do this.
Thank God we've got Mitch.
We just need to be more like him.
Whoo! Bit epic.
- Where the hell were you? - I was with We were having a proper heart-to-heart here.
Frankenstein, that's us.
Created a monster we can't control.
I've always said, Alice, nothing good ever came out of vaginae.
I always said the fear was in your heads, and now I'm gonna prove it.
May I present to you, robot baby.
Yeah, I borrowed it from antenatal.
It's like a real baby, but it's a robot.
It cries when it needs changing, it cries when it needs feeding and it cries when it needs bathing.
Oh.
See, I put it down.
Oh.
But, I pick it up.
Hey! I put it down.
And I pick it up.
Yay! Huh? This is your hands-on experience, so you can see what brilliant parents you're gonna be.
- Oh.
- Sorry.
Alice.
Alice.
- Alice.
- Get off, ten more minutes.
Oh, come on, princess.
It's your turn.
- It's not.
- It is.
- It's not.
- Look, I did it last time! Poor little thing, it's so sad.
- There we go, all better.
- Alice! Alice, you can't! Alice! If this was a real baby, you'd be in ever such a lot of trouble.
Oh.
Hey? Silly Irish mummy.
Eh? That's it now.
We're just gonna sleep.
I'm gonna be a parent.
Now, that makes me an adult.
What, am I scared of being an adult? Yeah, you're asking me that while sitting on a swing.
There.
All settled.
Here you go, Richie.
Take the baby, Richie.
Very gently, come on.
- There we go.
Gently, gently, gently.
- All right.
- Oh! - Oh, Richie.
I didn't do anything.
It sensed my fear.
Here, take it back.
No, Richie, you're the robot baby father.
It's time you started taking your robot baby responsibilities seriously.
I'm bouncing it, I'm bouncing it! Faster, slower, what? If its eyes are rolling back like that, you're probably doing it too fast, Richard! - Oh, honey, I think I need an ice cream.
- Oh, do you want an ice cream? - I'll take an ice cream.
- You don't deserve any ice cream.
- Alice! - No.
Why am I always left holding the robot baby? Richie? Dave! Oh, look at the guns on him.
What are you doing here, then? Ah, just enjoying the peace and quiet, you know.
Hmm.
- You gonna get that? - Hmm? Get the Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah.
This is my robot baby.
We were playing robot baby hide-and-seek, weren't we? Sure.
Yeah.
Well, you have a threesome with your best friends, you get a robot baby.
God, I think it hates me, Dave.
It hates me.
How am I gonna cope with a child that doesn't run on batteries, hmm? Well, have a go with a real one.
- This is Callum, my nephew.
- Oh, God.
- Come on.
- No, no.
No, no, no.
- I can't.
- Of course, you can.
I, I You won't hurt.
You're just one, aren't you? - Go on.
- What if I drop him? His parachute will automatically deploy.
It won't, don't drop him.
All right.
Okay, okay.
Hold on.
How do I hold him? Just put your arms out.
Gayby.
Gay dads.
Is that your gay gayby? No.
No, no.
It's not like that.
But What if it is? No, what if it is? Yeah, what if he's my boyfriend, we're in man-love and this is our gay baby? Huh, what if it is? Hold him.
Hold him.
Yeah? Little gobshites.
You want to take on a kickboxer? Eh? - Be my guest, come on! - All right, mate.
- Oh, my God.
- I know.
Yeah, but the point of training is never having to use it.
No.
Oh, my God, I'm holding a baby.
I have something of yours.
Tell me, what is it about you and Lego? I don't know, I just really liked it when I was a kid.
Then, I got older and discovered boys, and then I got older still and discovered that, half the time, I still prefer Lego.
Yeah, yeah.
Listen, Dave, I was gonna call, promise.
Just No, I get it.
No, you're a busy boy.
And, it's not that I'm only capable of one-night stands, it's just You are like me, five years ago, in a flick-book relationship.
- What are you talking about? - Well, you know how a flick-book, - it's got loads of separate pictures.
- Yes, I know what a flick-book is.
Well, you flick them together, and it looks like one moving image.
Well, you've had so many one-night stands, that they look like a relationship.
Hey? - Alice made it for me.
- Hey! "World's Best Dad.
" - Aw, you deserve that, mate.
- I know.
So.
Dave.
You gonna call him? No.
No, I don't deserve Dave, mate.
I'm not grown-up enough to have a grown-up relationship.
Richie, you've got to love someone, and Let them Love you back.
Otherwise, you're just half a person.
Oh, and remember, antenatal class is coming later.
I'm off to buy finger food.
I'm feeling hummus.
Alice, mind the baby.
I'm going for a wank.
Sure thing, Casanova.
Shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck! - Shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck! - Alice! - Shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck! - Shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Oh, Jesus! Ahh! I'm gonna dry him off in the oven.
Are you mad? Ahhh! Oh, my God.
I'm so confused! Just calm down.
In the oven! You'll bloody melt the thing.
Mitch is gonna kill us! He's gonna kill us, he's gonna come and kill us! - Go and get me the hair dryer.
- Okay.
We'll sort this out.
Shit! - Is it all right? - It's all right.
Alice, antenatal class are coming.
Stuff from my mum.
Old dolls.
Spare parts, spare parts.
Oh.
Ahhh! Give me eyes.
Eyes.
- Her eyes? - What? Listen to me, woman, a leg.
Legs.
- I think, maybe we - We broke the baby.
I'm so sorry, Antonia.
There's probably a rule about that? And you don't think that adds a touch of character? We won't fail the course, will we? It's not that sort of course, unfortunately.
Could you pass that around for me, please, Antonia? - Of course.
- Thank you.
Honey, the fear hasn't gone away, the fear is 10 times worse.
Okay.
Hi, okay, can I have everyone's attention, please? Thank you.
Come on, I've seen the way you've all been looking at us, and let's be honest, put your hand in the air, if you're terrified of being a bad parent.
Hmm? Come on, Neville.
Commit, brother, get it up.
There we are.
Now, keep 'em in the air if you think that being a good parent is about picking up the pieces.
Yes, because that's what Richie and Alice have done today.
They put that baby back together with love, and bits of sticky tape.
Now, keep your hand in the air if you wanna make love to me.
Yes.
Antonia? Dave, hi.
Hi, it's Richie, listen, I was wondering, do you wanna come around and play?