Titan Maximum (2009) s01e03 Episode Script
Tip of the Iceberg
[screaming.]
[Laughing.]
[Screaming laughter.]
Oof! Hey, a time share on Neptune.
I am a genius, huh? You've put a dagger through the heart of this marriage.
[People screaming.]
[Terrified screaming.]
Mom! Dad! I'm making a snow angel! He's a real angel now.
[Screaming.]
Oh, not Leroy! Leroy's got cooties! [Children screaming.]
It's Titan Maximum! Uh, we know who it is! You don't have to say it out loud! Um does Titan Maximum have a mentally handicapped cousin? All right, everyone! Let's suck this popsicle dry and shove the wooden stick up Gibbs' crap-spout.
Hold on, Palmer! We don't know anything about this creep show.
We know it has a crotch, and we have a fist.
Meeting adjourned.
Willie! Weapons, now! Uh, uh okay.
Yes! The protonic disrupter.
It fires bolts of energy that affect the target on a subatomic hey! I missed.
Give me another one.
But I only made one.
Damn it, Willie! [Children screaming.]
[Screaming.]
I want a divorce.
And I'm taking the dog.
No way you're taking Mugsy! We can't both take Mugsy! We should fall back and assess our damage.
Jodi, check your watch.
Huh? What time is it? It's 3:46 Time to punch the fuck out of it.
Palmer, no! We don't know what it's capable of.
We should avoid all physical contact.
Jodi, you sound like this.
[Whiny.]
Meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh! Mom? Dad? I'm okay.
Shut up, boy! This is serious! There'll never be another dog like you, Mugsy it ducked! The monster's self-aware, people.
Repeat the monster is self-aware! Is that something we were iffy on? Lt it's killing us with love! L-i-ice cold love! J-J-Jodi love! The s-systems are f-freezing up! The generators can't compensate! So fix it, n-nipple d-dick! Ummm umm Now! Okay! If we use the antifreeze reservoir boring! Permission to target crotch! That won't do any permission granted! This is wasting p-power! How do we even know that this thing has genitals? Sasha can find the genitals on anything that breathes.
Yeah! [Alarm blaring.]
J-J-J-Jodi, antifreeze.
Uh, antifreeze.
[Howling.]
PALMER: Real Real original.
All right.
Status report, Willie.
Uh, well, it's not too bad.
But without repairs, we're gonna be S.
O.
L "Sure outta luck.
" Idiot! Map shows a large energy plant due north.
Hey, yeah! The Neptunian steam farms.
If Gibbs is on Neptune, it must be for this.
Steam? Why would he want steam? Maybe he has, like, a big wrinkled suit! [Laughs.]
Don't! Banter! Ever! No! Wow, will wonders never cease? Titan Force 5 here in my steam farm.
Sir, we have reason to believe that your facility has been targeted by a real asshole! A criminal mastermind named Gibbs.
She used to bone him.
A criminal? Well, that will never do.
Do you have any idea what he might be after? I don't rightly know, but you're welcome to poke around.
Nothing wrong with a little poke, I always say.
Eh-heh.
If we could trouble you for some spare parts.
For the great Titan Maximum? Anything you need! Fuel, circuit boards, my wife's old lingerie.
[Groans.]
Sweet! Willie! Leon! Fix our crap.
All right.
To make steam, you don't need but two things hot and cold.
We've got plenty of cold on Neptune, but we've got to drill for the heat.
Neptune's core is molten magma, you see.
Here's the animated presentation we show to tourists.
You get tourists? Well, we had one.
[On TV.]
Here it comes, it's a gusher! When something this hot meets something this cold, it creates extreme temperature variances! That's where this special insulated coil comes in.
There's not another one like it in the whole solar system! Presto! Warm steam! What.
The.
Fuck? You hold in your hand the finest steam in the whole solar system! Aaahhh! Careful.
It's hot.
Oh, you think? I just soft-boiled my fucking eyes! Who would buy this? Who wouldn't? Space is cold, my friends.
It's always nice to get a little steamy.
What if Gibbs is after the super-insulated coil? It is one of kind.
Well, maybe wait a minute! Is that drill made of giant fucking diamonds? Why the fuck didn't you show us the damn drill first? No one gives two squirts of piss about steam after they see that drill.
Hey, let's not jump to conclusions.
Why not, Jodi? There's the conclusion right there! It's within perfect jumping distance.
I just don't think [rumbling.]
I want that drill! Fine.
We need Titan Maximum! WILLIE: All systems are go! I think you'll be proud of the way Sally says we're ready, people.
Let's move! Can of steam for the road? Ooh! The old sucker punch in the face! Works every time! Actually, I think it only works once.
Oh, my God! He's got a positronic disruptor! Get ready to duck his throw! [All scream.]
PALMER: No big.
Need to sneak around to his blind side, sucker punch it again! Yeah, bitch! Palmer, no.
We have got to have a strategy.
Uh, I might have an idea.
If it involves a sucker punch, you are an idea thief.
The monster is all icy and everything, but its heart and guts and stuff give off a strong heat signature! And if its heart isn't made of ice I bet it can't regrow one! [Groans.]
But the heart is protected under all that ice! I have an idea that just might The drill.
Duh, the drill.
Yes, the drill.
Oh, no you don't, Icehole.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, fuck you! Ha ha! Hey! I'm taking your giant coil! I hope that's cool.
Oh, and this is for you tsssssss! It's hot! You will never get away with this! Well, I've said my piece.
This is taking too long! [Monster growls.]
Oh, crap in a hat! How many times do I have to tell you punch it in the crotch! Sasha, it doesn't work! [Howling.]
[Long battle cry.]
Yes! Yes! Yes yes yes! Whoo hoo! I'm stealing your soul.
[Evil laughter.]
Oh, for God's sake, Sasha.
We won.
Are we really gonna keep defiling this Willie! [Laughs.]
It's fun! We did it! That's what's important.
I was right, and Jodi was wrong.
That's twice as important.
It's a bit more complicated than that.
Ew! Did not need to see that! Oh, now don't be alarmed.
The terrible frostbite is life-threatening, yes, but that's not what's important.
It was the coil Gibbs was after all along! Huh.
So I was right.
It's not about right and wrong, you conceited bitch.
You know, kids, I've been a steam man my whole life.
And if steam's taught me anything, it's that things work best when you have hot and cold.
And in that regard, steam is like people.
Some folks run hot and some folks are cool and collected.
Hmm.
I have no opinion about the monkey.
But you need both kinds of folks.
Hot and cold.
That's the magic of science.
No two results are alike, but every result teaches you more about the world.
And yourself.
That's why you need temperatures in the extreme.
Lukewarm just won't do.
It's weird that he's even on our flag.
Anyway there's no such thing as an exact science, and even out here in the cold you can find warmth among friends.
Shut the fuck up, you old ghoul! We're gonna have to amputate your hands, doctor.
Yes, I suppose you will.
[Laughing.]
[Screaming laughter.]
Oof! Hey, a time share on Neptune.
I am a genius, huh? You've put a dagger through the heart of this marriage.
[People screaming.]
[Terrified screaming.]
Mom! Dad! I'm making a snow angel! He's a real angel now.
[Screaming.]
Oh, not Leroy! Leroy's got cooties! [Children screaming.]
It's Titan Maximum! Uh, we know who it is! You don't have to say it out loud! Um does Titan Maximum have a mentally handicapped cousin? All right, everyone! Let's suck this popsicle dry and shove the wooden stick up Gibbs' crap-spout.
Hold on, Palmer! We don't know anything about this creep show.
We know it has a crotch, and we have a fist.
Meeting adjourned.
Willie! Weapons, now! Uh, uh okay.
Yes! The protonic disrupter.
It fires bolts of energy that affect the target on a subatomic hey! I missed.
Give me another one.
But I only made one.
Damn it, Willie! [Children screaming.]
[Screaming.]
I want a divorce.
And I'm taking the dog.
No way you're taking Mugsy! We can't both take Mugsy! We should fall back and assess our damage.
Jodi, check your watch.
Huh? What time is it? It's 3:46 Time to punch the fuck out of it.
Palmer, no! We don't know what it's capable of.
We should avoid all physical contact.
Jodi, you sound like this.
[Whiny.]
Meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh! Mom? Dad? I'm okay.
Shut up, boy! This is serious! There'll never be another dog like you, Mugsy it ducked! The monster's self-aware, people.
Repeat the monster is self-aware! Is that something we were iffy on? Lt it's killing us with love! L-i-ice cold love! J-J-Jodi love! The s-systems are f-freezing up! The generators can't compensate! So fix it, n-nipple d-dick! Ummm umm Now! Okay! If we use the antifreeze reservoir boring! Permission to target crotch! That won't do any permission granted! This is wasting p-power! How do we even know that this thing has genitals? Sasha can find the genitals on anything that breathes.
Yeah! [Alarm blaring.]
J-J-J-Jodi, antifreeze.
Uh, antifreeze.
[Howling.]
PALMER: Real Real original.
All right.
Status report, Willie.
Uh, well, it's not too bad.
But without repairs, we're gonna be S.
O.
L "Sure outta luck.
" Idiot! Map shows a large energy plant due north.
Hey, yeah! The Neptunian steam farms.
If Gibbs is on Neptune, it must be for this.
Steam? Why would he want steam? Maybe he has, like, a big wrinkled suit! [Laughs.]
Don't! Banter! Ever! No! Wow, will wonders never cease? Titan Force 5 here in my steam farm.
Sir, we have reason to believe that your facility has been targeted by a real asshole! A criminal mastermind named Gibbs.
She used to bone him.
A criminal? Well, that will never do.
Do you have any idea what he might be after? I don't rightly know, but you're welcome to poke around.
Nothing wrong with a little poke, I always say.
Eh-heh.
If we could trouble you for some spare parts.
For the great Titan Maximum? Anything you need! Fuel, circuit boards, my wife's old lingerie.
[Groans.]
Sweet! Willie! Leon! Fix our crap.
All right.
To make steam, you don't need but two things hot and cold.
We've got plenty of cold on Neptune, but we've got to drill for the heat.
Neptune's core is molten magma, you see.
Here's the animated presentation we show to tourists.
You get tourists? Well, we had one.
[On TV.]
Here it comes, it's a gusher! When something this hot meets something this cold, it creates extreme temperature variances! That's where this special insulated coil comes in.
There's not another one like it in the whole solar system! Presto! Warm steam! What.
The.
Fuck? You hold in your hand the finest steam in the whole solar system! Aaahhh! Careful.
It's hot.
Oh, you think? I just soft-boiled my fucking eyes! Who would buy this? Who wouldn't? Space is cold, my friends.
It's always nice to get a little steamy.
What if Gibbs is after the super-insulated coil? It is one of kind.
Well, maybe wait a minute! Is that drill made of giant fucking diamonds? Why the fuck didn't you show us the damn drill first? No one gives two squirts of piss about steam after they see that drill.
Hey, let's not jump to conclusions.
Why not, Jodi? There's the conclusion right there! It's within perfect jumping distance.
I just don't think [rumbling.]
I want that drill! Fine.
We need Titan Maximum! WILLIE: All systems are go! I think you'll be proud of the way Sally says we're ready, people.
Let's move! Can of steam for the road? Ooh! The old sucker punch in the face! Works every time! Actually, I think it only works once.
Oh, my God! He's got a positronic disruptor! Get ready to duck his throw! [All scream.]
PALMER: No big.
Need to sneak around to his blind side, sucker punch it again! Yeah, bitch! Palmer, no.
We have got to have a strategy.
Uh, I might have an idea.
If it involves a sucker punch, you are an idea thief.
The monster is all icy and everything, but its heart and guts and stuff give off a strong heat signature! And if its heart isn't made of ice I bet it can't regrow one! [Groans.]
But the heart is protected under all that ice! I have an idea that just might The drill.
Duh, the drill.
Yes, the drill.
Oh, no you don't, Icehole.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, fuck you! Ha ha! Hey! I'm taking your giant coil! I hope that's cool.
Oh, and this is for you tsssssss! It's hot! You will never get away with this! Well, I've said my piece.
This is taking too long! [Monster growls.]
Oh, crap in a hat! How many times do I have to tell you punch it in the crotch! Sasha, it doesn't work! [Howling.]
[Long battle cry.]
Yes! Yes! Yes yes yes! Whoo hoo! I'm stealing your soul.
[Evil laughter.]
Oh, for God's sake, Sasha.
We won.
Are we really gonna keep defiling this Willie! [Laughs.]
It's fun! We did it! That's what's important.
I was right, and Jodi was wrong.
That's twice as important.
It's a bit more complicated than that.
Ew! Did not need to see that! Oh, now don't be alarmed.
The terrible frostbite is life-threatening, yes, but that's not what's important.
It was the coil Gibbs was after all along! Huh.
So I was right.
It's not about right and wrong, you conceited bitch.
You know, kids, I've been a steam man my whole life.
And if steam's taught me anything, it's that things work best when you have hot and cold.
And in that regard, steam is like people.
Some folks run hot and some folks are cool and collected.
Hmm.
I have no opinion about the monkey.
But you need both kinds of folks.
Hot and cold.
That's the magic of science.
No two results are alike, but every result teaches you more about the world.
And yourself.
That's why you need temperatures in the extreme.
Lukewarm just won't do.
It's weird that he's even on our flag.
Anyway there's no such thing as an exact science, and even out here in the cold you can find warmth among friends.
Shut the fuck up, you old ghoul! We're gonna have to amputate your hands, doctor.
Yes, I suppose you will.