TLC (2002) s01e03 Episode Script

[We've Gotta Get Out Of This Place]
[Flynn] Ow!
- Sorry we're late, sir.
- We got called away on an arrest.
- Result?
- Mortuary: 1, Casualty Department: 0.
What, again?
It did go to extra time, sir.
Look at the state of you, Dr
- Flint.
- Looks like you haven't slept for days.
I haven't.
Where's your professional pride, boy?
You don't deserve to wear a white coat.
Not that you'd call that coat white.
What is that stain?
It's blood.
- And that?
- Vomit.
- And that?
- Spinal fluid.
I dare not even ask what that is.
- Chicken Korma.
- [all groan]
By this afternoon's teaching round
I do not want you looking like the
scratch-and-sniff guide to medicine.
Have you had a bath since you started?
No, sir. The hot water's not working
in the doctors' showers.
You could always a have a bath
on the ward, Dr Flynn.
The ward bath?
That oversized Petri dish?
[gurgling]
Good God, it may be
all right for the patients
but he is staff after all, Sister.
Are the showers working
in your nurses' flat, Staff?
Yes, sir.
No objections if Dr Flint pops in
for a shower before the round?
I'd rather he didn't.
Oh, good God, you're a nurse,
aren't you?
He hasn't got anything
you haven't seen before,
albeit somewhat smaller,
eh, Sister?
Right, that's settled.
On with the round.
Sorry.
And finally we have Mrs Price.
Three days post amputation
of left fore foot.
She does seem
slightly confused since yesterday.
She keeps wanting to leave the ward.
Is that confusion
or common sense, Sister?
She's been hallucinating,
keeps seeing animals.
- Animals?
- A rat.
But there ain't no rat on my ward.
I run a clean ward.
The only animals on my ward are brought
by the visitors against the rules.
So far this year we've had five dogs,
three kittens and two Furbies.
Right, shall we go and see the old bat?
- Hello, Mrs, um
- Price.
Price. Good morning, dear.
Have you come about the rat?
- No, no, Mrs, um
- Price.
Price. I'm the consultant surgeon, Mr
- Ron.
- Ron.
It scurries all around the ward.
A big, big rat.
Yes, of course, dear.
There it is! It's on your shoulder.
Yes, dear.
Write her up for haloperidol.
That should shut her up.
- Sister, did you see that?
- See what?
The rat! You saw it, didn't you?
- Saw what sir?
- The rat! The rat!
Staff? Did? [sighs]
At least I've got my surgeon
trained in the art of observation.
He must have seen
Flint!
[clears throat] Oh, sorry.
I must have dropped off.
You idiot.
You can't wash, you can't stay awake.
Any activity of daily living you can do?
You sure you passed finals?
Yes, sir.
Second time round, though,
wasn't it, Dr Flynn?
Yes, Nurse Judy.
It was probably your "white coat"
that attracted that rat, Flint.
It thinks you're a buffet.
More cleanliness,
we wouldn't have rats.
Not been the same
since they redesignated cleaners
as ward assistants.
[clears throat] It's midday.
I'll have word with the Chief Executive.
That rat must be caught.
I'll show you.
So, none of you saw it, eh?
[all] No, sir.
Fine.
Goodbye, sir.
Hands up, everyone
who did see the rat.
Mr Ron's right, I do stink.
You're not the best house surgeon.
I meant I need a wash.
Yes. Your shower at Nurse Judy's
should help that.
Ooh, you better use this.
- Soap?
- Condoms.
- What?
- Keep your bleep dry in the shower.
Why take my bleep into the shower?
So you'll hear if there's a call.
You'll still be on duty.
First law of the bleep: they always
go off when you least want them to.
[beeping]
Shit.
[beeping]
Shit.
[moaning]
[beeping]
Shit!
[beeping]
Oh! Shit!
- [beeping]
- Oh, shit!
Oh, OK, thanks.
My coat is still filthy, though.
I'll get you a coat whiter
than the Pope's pants.
You'll be the envy of the hospital.
Want to finish that?
- No.
- I'll save it for later.
There's only one rule in white coats,
the bigger and longer the better.
[I Pet Shop Boys: West End Girls]
Hems reaching to mid calf is hot,
above the knees is not.
Short white coats just shout
geeky medical student.
Avoid!
Red and white neurology pins
and white-on-blue name badges
give you the look
of any Hollywood doctor on ER.
Accessorise this with a classic black
Littmann Cardiology stethoscope,
slung around the neck.
But, puh-leeze,
furry toy additions
are strictly limited to paediatricians
and born-again Christians.
And finally, if you must add
that splash of colour,
blood is the stain of the season.
Just don't go overboard.
[chuckling]
[music stops playing]
All right, docs?
What's with the tunes, Sid?
The rat. I thought he might
be attracted to the music, see.
I'm like the Pied Piper of Hamelin,
except without the tights
or the pipe.
Plan's not working, though.
Really?
Rodents seem scared
of the Pet Shop Boys.
We're heading down to the Linen Room.
If we see the rat we'll bleep you.
Great.
Must dash.
They urgently need more bottles
for sperm collection in the IVF unit.
They've been waiting two hours already.
If you could just hold on
a few more minutes, gentleman.
[men sigh]
Just think of Ann Widdecombe.
[man groans]
[man] Sorry, chaps.
Where's all the clean stuff gone?
Clean linen is too precious
to leave unprotected.
Other hospitals would just steal it.
No matter what hospital you work in,
half the linen is always from another.
But my white coat!
Is the very symbol of your vocation
and is treated as such.
Come, let us worship at our high altar
and visit Our Lady of the Linen.
[steam hissing]
[haunting choir music]
Welcome, pilgrims, to this sacred place!
What troubles your souls?
Ah, Dr Noble, my favourite lost sheep.
We bring offerings,
O Lady of the Linen.
Pray that your sacrifice
may be acceptable.
Behold, the ground beans
of the coffee arabica tree.
Coffee?
I am well pleased.
What is your petition?
Can I have new coat, please?
Linen Lady, I do humbly beseech thee
to intercede on behalf
of my colleague, Dr Flynn.
His coat is no longer pure
and we do wish for it to be replaced.
We have no white coats left.
They was stolen last night.
- Well, who by?
- Great Ormond Street.
Too many docusoaps.
But I may just have the one.
- Yes.
- We swap.
And the rest.
I use them to, um, keep my bleeper dry.
These stains
Blood, vomit,
spinal fluid,
- Dansak?
- Korma.
A little bit too much starch
but it will ride up with wear.
- No?
- I can't wear this!
- [beeping]
- [woman] Trauma team to Casually.
- Gotta go.
- But
Now! I'll get your stuff.
[sighs]
Go in peace, to love and serve the ward.
Um, yeah.
It's a miracle.
I can walk.
- [groans]
- Sorry!
[moans]
- Excuse me, dear.
- Uh
Father Kerrigan, the local priest.
Got stabbed by a vagrant.
We need an anaesthetist.
Where's Gasman?
Gasman is here for all your
anaesthesia and euthanasia needs.
Got a priest with a major stab wound.
Ah, it's only a tiny scratch.
BP is dropping,
must be bleeding internally.
These Catholics make
such a fuss about suffering.
I can see a bright light.
I'm going to the light!
Flynn, take a look.
Got him right in his spleen.
It's Jesus.
Better go. Sister, ring Terry.
Flynn, give me a hand wheeling him.
I can't move my arms!
For goodness sake. Give us a hand.
Make a wish. One, two, three.
[door opens]
Get me the Langenbeck's limb amputation
knife and make it a sharp one!
As God is my witness I'm going
to save that gangrenous leg!
It's his spleen, actually.
The gangrene's spread.
From the toe bone
it spreads to the foot bone,
from the foot bone to the shin bone,
from the shin bone to the thigh bone.
Thank you. It's all under control.
We're going to perform a splenectomy.
I can join in? I feel the need,
the need to bleed!
Not today, thank you, Reverend.
Let's get you a nice cup of tea.
Why does God allow such suffering?
I can do more, much, much more!
Yes, out you go now.
Come on, let's go.
See you up in theatre.
- I'll just clear up this lot, then?
- Thanks, that would be great.
Not the nurses job to clean up after you
doctors. What are these doing here?
- They're mine.
- Yours, Dr Flynn?
For the shower.
You remember, Nurse Judy.
- What?
- No, it's not for that!
- Gotta go, Flynn!
- It's just to keep my bleeper dry.
Not a priority?
I don't care if you don't work
for Rentokil anymore,
you're the Chief Executive of this
hospital and I want that rat caught.
I'm even prepared to offer a reward.
Twenty pounds. Yes, you heard me,
Twenty pounds, dead or alive.
What you want?
Oh, um, I'll have a
- Burger
- A burger.
We're finished. If it weren't for us he
could have been a much sicker vicar.
Priest.
So, I hear you're going to have a hot
steamy shower with Terry this afternoon.
With Terry? No, not with Terry.
With Nurse Judy
I mean, at Nurse Judy's.
I'll be there, Dr Flynn.
Staff Nurse Judy and I live together,
but not in the biblical way.
Been a while since you've done
anything in the biblical way.
Never been one to covet
my neighbour's ass.
I'm just having a shower.
I believe you, condom boy.
Someone explain to Judy that the condoms
are just to keep my bleeper dry.
Your bleeper. Heard it called
lots of things. Never a bleeper.
You English do like to name
your genitalia.
Dick, Percy, Willy, Helmut.
A misunderstanding. I wouldn't
dream of having sex with Judy.
Oh, really?
Of course, I would,
I mean, if she offered.
Not that she would because
she's not that kind of girl
and neither am I. What shall I do
with Father's Kerrigan's spleen?
Oh, just chuck it down the chute.
Burger for Mr Ron.
Here, kitty kitty. [blowing kisses]
That's why this job is worth it.
For that one time
when it's down to you, just you.
Wear your white coat with pride!
These colours won't run!
But I can't wear that.
What am I gonna do?
You're Catholic.
God owes us one. So pray.
All right, I will.
Behold.
Wow! It worked!
Yeah, put it on.
Don't forget your condoms.
- [beeping]
- [girl] Crash team to Hannaford Ward.
Gotta go! Gotta go!
It's Father Kerrigan,
he's taken a turn for the worse.
How can I run a hospital ward properly
when everybody keeps being ill?
Heart stopped. He's in asystole.
Get a dose of adrenaline.
No reason he should have arrested.
You deliberate, I resuscitate.
The adrenaline.
- No, Flynn.
- Give me the adrenaline now!
- Don't do it!
- You want the priest to die?
Don't give him adrenaline!
Trust me! Charging.
Stupid Englishman!
He needs adrenaline!
Stand back.
And shock.
[machine beeping]
[speaking in German]
What is this craziness?
He's fine. He had a pulse all the time.
The heart monitor was on the blink.
How can we work
with antiquated machines?
Flynn, you could have killed him!
But you said give it him!
Oh, look. "Donated By The League
Of Friends To Celebrate VE Day".
Why do you British rely on charity
to fund your hospitals?
Are your nuclear missiles funded
by the boot of the car sales? No!
OK, OK, let's just relax.
Calm, deep breaths.
I am calm!
All is well.
Damned rat must have chewed
through these wires.
[beeping]
What is that noise?
It's someone's bleeper.
- Not mine.
- Nor me.
They don't pay me enough
to carry them damned things.
- It is you!
- No.
- From your top pocket.
- There's a bleep in here.
Well, answer it then!
[beeping continues]
I can't answer another doctor's bleep.
Pretend to be him, fob them off
and we'll take the coat
and bleep back to the mess.
Yes, hello, you're calling Dr
Dr Galton, yes, that's right.
I think he's South African.
How can I help you, Sister?
- Yes, I've got a bit of a cold.
- No, he's Australian.
Oh, what! No worries, mate.
Emergency, is it?
- Put them off.
- Can't it wait until later this arvo?
There isn't another doctor you could
call? I'm a bit busy at the moment.
How urgent is it? Right.
Uh, well, I'm on my way. I'll be
bringing a medical student with me.
- Uh-oh.
- Why didn't you put them off?
Said it's an emergency.
We'd better go. We'll have to bluff it.
We can handle most emergencies.
- I can't do it.
- You can.
- You're a doctor!
- It doesn't help.
This is it, the one time
it's down to us, just us!
- Yeah, yeah, you're right!
- Come on! What ward is it?
- Nightingale.
- Nightingale!? We're fucked!
- What?
- Nightingale is the labour ward.
[woman screaming]
I can't go in there. I can't do it.
- Surely you've delivered a baby before.
- No.
What about when you were
a medical student doing obstetrics?
- I skipped that bit of the course.
- You know the theory of it.
No, I was on rugby tour.
You have seen a birth, yeah?
Every Christmas on Brookside.
You're a surgeon. No different
than removing a gallstone.
Gallstones do not weigh eight pounds
and get delivered par vaginum
by a screaming demon!
[screaming]
This is a baby. There are no second
chances. I don't even like babies.
We can do it. Remember what you said,
"The one time when it's down to us.
These colours won't run"?
I say it, it sounds inspiring.
You say it, it sounds like bollocks.
Come on.
Masks on.
- Dr Galton.
- G'day!
This is Mrs Denning. We're in second
stage but there's foetal distress,
some type two dips on the trace.
Mm-hmm. No worries! Any meconium?
- No.
- A relief. We'll take over from here.
I beg your pardon?
I'll take over from here.
You're not the obstetrician. Since when
did paediatricians do deliveries?
[both] Paediatricians?
Of course we paediatricians
don't actually do the, uh, deliveries.
Well, we'll just get
the Resuscitaire ready then.
Don't panic, we might have
to help oxygenate the baby.
Just turn it upside down
and slap it on the bottom?
- Wimbledon fortnight.
- Slight more complicated.
- Done it before?
- No.
No? Right, I'm off!
I've seen it done! They only call
a paediatrician as a precaution.
- How does this work?
- This is for the heat and light.
Now is this the oxygen or the sucker?
[groans] Turn it off!
- Is everything all right?
- No worries.
Just a slight problem with the machine.
Give us a couple of minutes.
- Stop pushing, that would be great.
- Maybe suck in a bit.
Nonsense. One big push
and we deliver the head.
- The head's out, dear.
- Oh, God.
It's pink! It's fine.
We are going deliver baby
with the next contraction.
Sure it's just the one?
Well done, mum. All yours, Dr Galton.
There we are. Oh, it's fine. I'll give
him a quick once over. Give us a hand.
It's beautiful!
Oh, great.
There you go.
It's a lovely healthy boy. We're off.
Thank you. Doctor?
I think I'd like to name him after you.
What's your name?
Dr Galton.
Your first name.
- [mumbling]
- Pardon?
Simon, his name's Simon.
Yes, that's right, Simon.
Uh, well, we'll be off.
Congratulations again.
[Noble] That was so beautiful.
You're a wonderful mummy
and you're a lovely baby boy, Simon
Come on.
That was hell!
- Dr Galton?
- Hello.
Is everything OK?
Ripper!
Sir, there's something
different about you.
Ah, you're not wearing your glasses.
No, I'm trying contacts.
Ah, right. Thanks for your help. We'll
bleep you again if we need anything.
Yes, bleep me anytime.
Right, let's get out of here.
All right, docs?
Never better, Sid.
The boys are on a roll today.
You two seen that rat recently?
- Rat?
- Look!
Twenty quid. That's a lot of money.
Yes.
They've even called in exterminators.
They reckon they can
sniff out a rat at 20 paces.
[deep breathing]
I can walk. I can walk.
[moaning]
What a star.
Dr Flynn, consultant paediatrician.
Baby resuscitator extraordinaire!
Phew. I'm a sweaty Betty.
Get rid of this coat and bleep
before it goes off again.
You're obviously Dr Galton's twin.
Excuse me, mate.
I think that's my coat you've got.
Dr Galton?
Uh, sorry, Simon.
Right. Did I leave my bleeper
in the pocket?
Hey, how the hell did they get in there?
They're mine. I mean,
I put them in there by mistake.
I thought that coat was mine, you see.
You must be the doc who reckons
he's gonna get his leg over Nurse Judy.
No, I'm not.
I am, but not the leg over bit.
Whatever. But you're right
to use precautions, mate.
You wouldn't want to end up with kids.
Bastards. Can't stand them.
I'm needed on Tinker Bell Ward.
See you later.
Everyone think I'm gonna try and
have sex with Judy this afternoon?
Everyone except you and the linen lady.
Someone's even running a book on it.
And what are the odds
of my getting a clean white coat?
I don't know why I didn't think
of this before. I've got a spare one.
You are joking.
You are joking.
You don't have to be so ungrateful.
It's too short, it makes me
look like a medical student
and it reeks of cheap perfume.
Belonged to a 4th year I entertained
in my room. She left it behind.
What, during her escape?
Its all right, lads,
he's meant to smell like that.
How are you feeling now, Father?
Very weird.
When I was dying I saw a bright light.
And then I saw Jesus,
arms outstretched to greet me,
wearing a beautiful white seamless robe.
Amazing.
Turned out to be some feckin' idiot
in a long white coat.
[chuckles] Really?
Uh, Father, I was wondering
if I could ask you a question?
It's not a medical question,
it's more, um, spiritual.
- Are you a Catholic?
- Yes.
Oh, you bloody would be.
Father, do you ever have doubts
about your vocation?
Do you?
I think I may have made a mistake.
I'm not sure anymore
if medicine is what I want to do,
what God wants me to do.
How long have you actually
worked as a doctor?
A week and a bit.
- You should sleep on the problem.
- I don't get any sleep.
Well, I'll pray for you.
Something else on your mind?
Father, I'm also having
lustful thoughts about a nurse.
Which one?
Staff Nurse Judy.
You've acted on these thoughts?
Tell me you haven't!
You've not had carnal knowledge of
that beautiful virginal angel of mercy
sent by God to keep vigil by my bed
during the long hot night?
No! She hasn't let me. I mean,
I haven't had the chance. No, I haven't!
Good, good, my son.
Are you ready for the shower, Dr Flynn?
Staff Nurse is waiting for you.
- Uh, yes.
- You dirty little git!
- It's not how it sounds!
- Don't forget your condoms.
Get out, you filthy heathen!
You'll burn in hell.
I already am in hell, Father.
And another thing,
change your bloody aftershave!
Are you OK, Dr Flynn?
[Flynn] Yeah,
I'm just putting the condom on.
Do you need a hand?
Is it too big?
[Flynn] No, it's just an awkward shape.
OK, I've done it.
Ready for the shower now, thank you.
We'll leave you to it, then.
Just let yourself out, yeah?
- Bye.
- [Flynn] Great. Bye.
- [door shuts]
- [water running]
[dialling]
[pager beeping]
[Flynn] Shit.
Mmm, dry as a bone! Sorted!
[gasps]
Dead as a doornail. Sorted.
Here, look what I got.
Hang on. I'm coming over.
See? All that fancy clobber
and equipment.
You think you're so clever
and important.
But there's my 20 quid.
Me, Sidney Potter.
Oh, yeah, nice one.
Great! That's that, then.
Fancy a swift half?
Sounds a good idea.
Is it safe to just leave
that stuff lying around?
The pub's banned work overalls.
And if you're going to leave
toxic chemicals unattended,
where better than in a hospital?
Yeah. Right!
[all] Must dash.
- So are you all showered?
- Yes.
Did you shower before, after or during?
Nothing happened.
Oh, yeah? So how come there's
a condom missing from this pack?
I put my bleeper in it like you said.
It worked really well.
Oh, Flynn, you idiot!
Bleeps are waterproof.
Doctors kept dunking them in their beer.
The condom was a joke!
Like your stupid student coat!
Well, that's it, have your coat back.
I'll find one myself!
I hate this place! I can't even
have a shower in peace!
I'll see you later on the teaching round
with a clean white coat all of my own!
[door shuts]
Well, he definitely didn't shag her.
Come on, lads, pay up.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
[screams]
Did you hear something?
Is that one of ours?
Such a prat.
- Excellent news Mrs, um
- Price.
Price, you're not
a dementing old fool. Look!
The Price was right.
That's the rat!
Can you see it how, dear?
Yeah, we can all see it now, dear.
It escaped from the animal lab, Sister.
I knew I ran a clean ward.
- Get rid of it, Noble.
- Yes, sir.
[Furbies] Rats! Rats!
Now, where's that Flint?
Did he have his shower, Staff?
Oh, yes, sir.
- Any problems?
- It was over in a flash, sir.
And is his coat clean?
Virginal, I'd say, sir.
Excellent. Well, Mrs Price,
nothing to worry about now.
There'll be no more frightening sights
on this ward for you, I promise.
Thank you, doctor.
[heavy breathing]
[gasps]
Sorry I'm late, sir.
Flint!