Tracey Breaks the News (2017) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
1 Hello, Philip.
Won't be a moment, dear.
Just deleting some porn.
What? It's a joke.
One of my joke thingies.
Remember I made one once before? OhOh, yes.
So, how was your cross-party sleaze meeting? Me, Jeremy Corbyn and Vince Cable in a room together.
What do you think? Didn't go well, then? No, on the contrary, we made serious progress.
If we can just get the whole of Westminster to be as utterly devoid of sexual tension as that room, job done! This news just in The markets don't like uncertainty.
Oil pipeline in the pipeline.
Let me be clear.
Off the record.
How do I put this? And the answer is, we're out! # She wants to be like She wants to see like # She wants to walk a mile in their shoes # Every day a new sensation How to break it to the nation? # Tracey's gonna break the news # She wants to save it She wants to claim it # She really hopes that nobody sues # Every day a new sensation Take it to the waiting nation # She's gonna faking well break the news# Come! Right, three minutes to studio, Mrs O.
Anything I can do for you? A tea, a coffee? Go over the new rules again? I think I've got them now, darling.
So, half the singers sing on the Saturday and half on the Sunday, and then there's a sing-off between the worst two singers.
The best.
Ah! No, that's right.
The best singers go head to head to see who gets kicked off.
No.
To see who wins.
Yes.
To see who wins the show.
No, who wins the prize.
Oh, that's right.
Yes, there's a prize now, so no-one loses.
Uh, no.
More people do lose.
I thought more people won? Well, yes, but more people win less, so we lose more losers while seeing more winners.
Oh! Agh For the love of God, who came up with these rules?! Simon did.
After he fell down the stairs and hit his head.
Well, can someone just explain them to me in words I can understand? SLURRED: Sharon, it's easy.
You go round and round and round HE RAMBLES.
.
.
judges' houses, and all the people going HE RAMBLES.
.
.
and a live final, Sharon.
Well, it's simple when you put it like that.
Can you get that written onto a card for me? Thanks, sweetheart.
GERMAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS.
Oh, Birgit, what a day.
I am so tired of all this Fisten-Cuffen and German politics.
Why can we not just form a coalition? Ah, you will do it, mein Chancellor-ette.
After all, who just tops the Forbes list of the 100 Most Powerful Women? Me.
Angela Merkel.
You don't look very happy about it.
Aren't you hipping the hoorays? I won last year! I've been there, done that, bought the Lederhosen.
But so many great women are below you.
Beyonce is only number 50.
That was before they announced the cast of The Lion King remake.
By now, she'd be a solid 35.
But aren't you even eine kleine bit happy? Nein! Because the Forbes 100 is easy.
Where is my name on the list of 100 Hottest Women? Can't they see that I am sexy as well as powerful? Like Wonder Woman! Maybe you're looking in the wrong place.
Do you think that this outfit is beige enough, Birgit? Do you think we should beige it up some more? Ah, look here, mein Chancellor-ette.
A Lad Bible poll of celebrity crushes, you are number 28.
Oh, let me see.
Unlikely crushes! SHE SIGHS.
This is an outrage! Listen, you are a powerful woman mit important things to do.
Forget this fluff.
There are fresh concerns about the Kremlin interfering in Catalonia.
You should write a strong and lengthy statement.
Wait! Could that be the answer? Has the Kremlin been interfering with the FHM Sexiest Women poll? Ja.
Ja! They are trying to undermine the West by lying about your total hotness.
Oh, what a relief.
I feel so much better.
Let me see this most powerful list again.
Oh, look, Theresa May is number 2.
Send her a memo.
Just write, "Better luck next year, bitch!" You see, I'm throwing the shade on her, like Wonder Woman.
Have you actually seen that film? Nein, I don't have Netflixen.
BBC NEWS THEME PLAYS.
Oh, hello.
There goes another one.
Following unauthorised contact with Israeli officials, International Development Secretary Priti Patel resigned in a meeting with the PM on Wednesday.
Well, we think it was Wednesday that she met the PM.
She probably met her on Monday and Tuesday as well but didn't bother telling anyone.
MILITARY DRUMMING.
ORDERS SHOUTED.
Defence Secretary.
Where? Oh, right, that's me, isn't it? Sorry.
New to the job.
Major General Edwards.
Where? Oh, right, is that you? Sorry.
I just wasn't expecting a Yes.
Yeah.
Gavin Williamson.
And this is the Army, then? It is.
Right.
So, where do you keep the boats? No, that's the Navy.
That's the Navy.
Right.
Yeah.
Boats equals Navy.
Sorry, I am still slightly playing catch-up with the details.
I wasn't really expecting to suddenly become Defence Secretary.
This time last week, I was in the Chief Whip's office, you know, with my pet spider.
Your? Sorry.
Kronos, this is Major General Edwards.
Major General Edwards, this is Kronos.
Yeah, so last week, I was just Weird Spider Guy, and now I'm in charge of the full might of Her Majesty's Armed Forces.
It's insane, eh? Utterly.
Anyway, the upshot is, I've suddenly had to swot up on the Army and Navy.
And Air Force.
There's an air force as well? Right.
OK.
Well, I'm learning already.
I'll have the hang of this in no time.
Right, should I go and address the troops? If you'd like.
I'm sure they'd be delighted to hear from a man of such uncommon experience.
They're this way.
Right you are.
That's a Cub Scout salute.
Right.
What is the proper salute? It's Army, Navy, Air Force.
Ah.
Ah, so my next-door neighbour thinks I'm in the Air Force! I'm glad I asked.
I can't tell you how helpful this has been.
It's been my absolute pleasure.
Now, are there any other questions? Yes, can Kronos be your new regimental mascot? No.
OK.
Can I have a gun? No.
Fair enough.
Right, then, ready? Absolutely.
Don't worry.
They may look like trained killers But? There's no but.
Oh, right.
Well, here we go.
Oh, and there's a medal to give out this morning, so make your way to the front and ask to see Private Parts.
I want to see Private Parts.
Right, got it.
Ha! Hello, Sexy Bum.
It's Camilla.
Can you see me? TYRES SCREECH.
Well, hold it a bit lower.
I can only see your bald spot.
Ah, that's better! What do you mean, bad news? Don't worry, I sorted it.
I took all your investment paperwork down to the hunt kennels.
Hounds have shredded the bally lot.
What other thing? Not another bloody Diana tape?! Last year, they found an unseen clip where she sneezed and they built a 90-minute documentary around it.
What did? Oh, the Royal Variety Performance? No bally way! We went last year.
It's someone else's turn.
Does Edward still exist? What about Kate and William? I bet they've said she's still puking.
I mean, I've opened fetes with chronic thrush AND a three-bottle hangover.
You just have to get on with it.
SIREN WAILS.
Oh, hang on.
About bloody time! We've had reports that you're driving erratically.
Well, of course I'm driving erratically.
I'm FaceTiming hubby, I've got a sleeping dog in the footwell and I'm trying to get through this traffic in time to watch Homes Under The Hammer.
Police escort? I should think so, too! New from MP Games, the game for women in Parliament of all ages.
It'sGuess Who's Next! Test your deductive skills as you try to work out which of your colleagues will be disgraced next.
Is it a white middle-class man? Yes.
It's fun for all the family, except for unaccompanied women.
Does he have a wife? Yeah.
Does he care? No.
Is it? No, but I can see why you'd think that.
Is it? Yes.
Yes, it is.
Yeah.
That's pretty much what I'd heard.
Guess Who's Next?, the game you can keep playing until the culture changes.
Hi, Karen? You must be James.
Welcome to HMRC.
You don't have to be mad to work here But it helps? Why would it help? No, sorry.
Good point.
Right, first things first.
You'll need to get rid of that.
Sorry.
No, your phone.
What? It's Apple, isn't it? Since we investigate corporate giants who play the system to avoid paying any meaningful tax in the UK, we can't really be seen to use their products, can we? So Don't worry.
If you need to make any calls, you can use mine.
But the 9's missing, so try not to start any fires.
Right.
Where did you get the coffee from? Starbucks.
We don't see many of their bucks coming our way, do we? Bin! Headphones? Amazon.
SHE SIGHS.
Now, what about this suit? Looks like Gap to me.
Well, yeah, but I got it off eBay.
eBay?! Bin! I hope you're not a fan of Bono or anything.
James, where did you get the underpants? M&S.
Oh, thank God for that.
You can keep them on.
Whew.
BBC NEWS THEME PLAYS.
Formula 1 world champion Lewis Hamilton has been accused of avoiding tax on his £16 million private jet, despite his lawyer deeming the transaction to be lawful.
Honestly! You set up a company in the Isle of Man to lease your plane to a firm in Farnborough, who rent the same plane back to you via your other company in Guernsey, and people try to make out there's something dodgy going on? The time is Ooh, I can have the other half of that Twix.
Here we go.
See, you look relaxed and natural there.
Philip, that's a Madame Tussaud's waxwork.
The real me would never be standing next to Boris AND smiling.
Could be worse.
They could have put you next to Trump.
Ha-ha! Philip, that's not funny.
I have to Skype him now and discuss the arrangements.
Has anyone actually told Trump that his royal visit's no longer royal? Well, I'll add it to my list of things I need to speak firmly to him about.
Now, which button? This.
This one? Mm-hm.
SKYPE DIALS.
Oh, he's not there.
Never mind.
I'll try next month.
Hello? SHE GROANS.
BRIGHTLY: How are you, Mr President? I'm in another country.
It's called Asia.
It's really exotic and different.
What have you been doing? Playing golf and eating hamburgers.
Can I have those on my royal visit to England-land? Actually, your trip's been adjusted to a working visit.
But I still get to ride in a gold carriage, right? And I want to meet Duchess Kate, but not if she's still carrying baby fat.
I have high standards, the highest.
Donald, there's some things I really need to speak to you about.
First, I have a question, and it's a very normal question.
Are you wearing a wire? No, I'm not wearing a wire.
Good.
Although I've got nothing to worry about.
Papadopoulos was very low level, I hardly knew Manafort, didn't even realise he was my campaign manager or long-term friend.
I see.
All these people are low level.
Take Ivanka.
She's a low-level volunteer daughter from an old wife who I fired before the campaign, a campaign I did not know much about.
I left that all to the Russians.
Look, I have some things to say to you, and I intend to say them.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT.
When you come here, I insist you don't grab anyone by the you-know-what, link moped crime to Islamic terrorism or threaten nuclear wars that may or may not incinerate the Northern Hemisphere.
There, I've said it, and we can tell the press that I stood up to you and that I'm strong, which I am.
I hope I didn't go too far.
Did I go to far? Please, can we still have a trade deal? What was that? I wasn't listening.
I was doing a tweet about how we should kill all of America's judges, even the ones from America's Got Talent.
Right.
Well, it's always good to talk to you.
Theresa, it's always good to be on Fox News.
I'm not Fox News.
I'm the British Prime Minister, remember? So that's why you're not hot? OK, what button kills the call? Is it this one? SHE SIGHS.
Someone get me # She's going to faking well break the news# Alexis, what's the weather like today? OLD WOMAN: Back in my day, we didn't have all this technology, and we seemed to get along just fine.
Introducing the all-new Alexis Senior Edition.
Alexis, what's playing at the local cinema? Oh, you don't want to go out.
That Mrs Brown's on tonight.
Do you know she's actually a man in a dress? If you're missing having that elderly parent around, then the Alexis Senior is perfect for you.
Alexis, call Trevor.
Is that your new fancy man? If I'd had more than one fella in my life, I'd have been called a slapper, but I suppose times change.
Alexis, call Trevor! Oh, that reminds me, you'll never guess who else has got cancer? The new Alexis Senior Edition.
Alexis, book a taxi in five minutes.
Ooh, I don't know, everyone's in such a hurry nowadays.
Now 50% more reactionary.
Alexis, dim lights.
And shall I also put the temperature up? I expect it's usually hotter than this where he comes from.
Really?! I'm sorry about her.
She won't be around much longer.
Typical! And she promised she'd never put me in a home! Excuse me.
I'm Dr Michael Townsend, British Heritage.
I'm Lady Yaxley, chair of the Public Statues Review Commission.
Very, very nice to meet you.
What exactly is going on here? Well, quite simply, we're going to blow up Nelson's Column.
What? No doubt you've heard about all the hoo-ha in America with the Confederate statues, and the Cecil Rhodes in Oxford? Well, the Government is super-keen to avoid offending anyone right now, so they've asked me to have a gander at all the statues in Britain and work out which one is going to cause the next big stink.
But Nelson's Column? Because of the admiral's links to the slave trade.
That's just political posturing, surely? Nevertheless, we think it's best to err on the safe side and blow it up.
You can't do that.
He was a great naval tactician, died a hero's death.
I mean, he was also a strong supporter of the slave trade, but then this statue doesn't celebrate his support of the slave trade, though it could be seen as condoning it, so It's a very complicated question.
Exactly.
And what very complicated questions need are very simple answers.
I think we dodged a bullet there.
On we go! BBC NEWS THEME PLAYS.
This is Simone Fredericks, and I've been awake so long I can't drive myself home.
Prince Harry's girlfriend, Meghan Markle, is set to move to London, prompting speculation that the couple are to become engaged.
Click here for Meghan's diet and beauty tips.
Uh, somebody has just copied and pasted Buzzfeed onto the autocue there.
Can we stop doing that? Nicola, why are we meeting here? It's proper bracing.
Almost too bracing.
Ah, there's no such thing as too bracing, Wee Mhairi.
I've brought you here because I'm going to take you on a little sea voyage.
I want to show you something important.
THEME FROM COAST PLAYS.
Do you know who the bane of my life is, Wee Mhairi? Jimmy Krankie? Because people keep saying you look like her.
No, you daft dobber.
Theresa May.
Not only did she put the kibosh on indyref2, but thanks to her hopeless Brexit shenanigans, Scotland's being pulled out of Europe whether we like it or not.
And we do not.
Oh, but don't worry, I'm going to cut a few back-door deals with our European neighbours so Scotland is protected when the Brex-shit hits the fan.
Our European neighbours? I've a crack team beavering away in a top-secret offshore location.
Is it the Orkneys? Yeah, yeah, it's the Orkneys.
Oh.
It's just such a beautiful holiday destination.
People say that.
What can you actually do there? There's loads to do there.
Like what? Oh, walking.
Hiking.
Strolling.
Wandering.
Roaming.
Aye, the roaming's dead good.
This way, Wee Mhairi.
DOOR CREAKS.
Behold the Scottish Partisan Operations Room for European Negotiations - SPORREN.
It looks just like a call centre.
It is a call centre.
Then why does it have to be so far away? Well, we've got to stay under Theresa May's radar, because what we're doing here might not be strictly constitutional.
Hello, this is Morag calling from the ancient country of Scotland.
I understand you've been involved in a Brexit that wasn't your fault.
I wonder if I could interest you in a political alliance at all? Hello, is that the Dutch Cabinet Office? I'm calling from the SNP on behalf of Nicola Sturgeon, the First Minister of Scotland.
It's part of the UK.
The bit above England.
No, no, no, we want to stay with you! Nicola, I think I've got you a lead.
Brilliant.
It's the Cultural Minister of Slovenia.
He said he'd consider a meeting if you can get him tickets to the next Biffy Clyro tour.
At least I think that's what he said.
He's quite hard to understand.
Right, give me the phone there.
Hello, it's Nicola Sturgeon from the SNP.
We're a pro-European constitutional organisation and Hello? I AM speaking English.
Aye.
Hello? Hello? He's hung up.
Why on earth couldn't he understand me? Do you think it could be anything to do with you saying Scotland wants to be an independent country with a proud nationalist agenda, whilst simultaneously denying the primacy of national borders by claiming you want to be an enthusiastic part of the European Union? Shut it, Wee Mhairi, and go for a long roam.
Have you recently been outed as a sex pest? Would you like to pretend your disgusting behaviour is the result of an illness, rather than you're just being a total shit? Then why not check into the Some Sort of Therapy Centre? The Some Sort of Therapy Centre is Europe's leading facility for everyone from shamed Hollywood producers to shamed Hollywood actor-producers.
Our team of, presumably, therapists is here to help you tell the world, "It's OK, I'm dealing with this myself.
"No need for the police.
" It's the perfect place to relax, unwind and avoid facing the consequences of your actions.
Our range of treatments includes counselling, or something like that, meditation, probably, and generally keeping a low profile till the heat's off.
But don't take my word for it.
Here's just one of our self-satisfied customers.
Before I came here, everyone was calling me a sex criminal, which seemed wrong to me somehow.
But the Some Sort of Therapy Centre made me realise that I'm actually a sex addict, which means I bear no responsibility for all the horrible things I've done.
So come to the Some Sort of Therapy Centre and take the first step to a new you, who's exactly the same as the old you but hopefully not facing prison.
Oh, cavolo nero .
Hello, John.
Jeremy, what's going on here? Well, my brassicas are flourishing, but that's autumn for you.
We're meant to be prepping you for Prime Minister's Questions.
I only found out you were in your allotment because you checked yourself in on Facebook.
Let's just take it down a notch, shall we? The workers.
The workers.
If I didn't get out here now and again, I feel like I spend my entire life telling adoring crowds that I intend to build a fairer Britain, a Britain where the nation's resources are not hoarded by the elite but shared equally in a spirit of democracy and justice.
Oh, Jeremy Corbyn .
And I wouldn't want that.
Let's just get on with it, shall we? I've got all the "I've had an e-mail from so-and-so"s here.
Shall we just go through them? Yeah, if you like.
OK.
There's one here about Boris Johnson's gaffe regarding that woman in Iran.
That sounds good.
Except the e-mail is from Peter from Peterborough.
I don't know, maybe it sounds a bit silly.
I mean, Peter's OK, and Peterborough's OK, but, "I've had an e-mail from Peter from Peterborough" Yeah, it's a bit Peter heavy.
There's one here from Sheila from Doncaster.
That sounds perfect.
Except her question is, "What is the Prime Minister's favourite mollusc?" Well, let's just take Peter's question and say it's from Sheila.
Violate the sanctity of "I've had an e-mail from so-and-so"s? Well, I wonder if I haven't outgrown the whole "I've had an e-mail from so-and-so"s thing, John.
Let me remind you, Jeremy, that the so-and-sos are the ordinary, decent working people of this country.
Or have you outgrown them?! The workers.
The workers.
No, it's not that.
It's just that people aren't really interested in folksy e-mails from Sheila in Doncaster.
They want to hear from Jeremy in Islington! My unlikely fame is currently our best bet for building a fairer Britain, a Britain in which a person's prospects are determined not by where they come from or who their parents are, but by their own talents and hard work Oh, put a sock in it, Corbyn! Hey, get off me! Agh! GRUNTING.
Well, I don't condone that, do you? No, there's absolutely no place for that kind of behaviour.
HE GROANS.
So, what are you going to ask at PMQs tomorrow? Perhaps I'll just wing it.
Whatever I say these days seems to be right.
OK, that's it.
If you care so little about the working population of this country that you'd rather blurt out random thoughts instead of airing their justifiable grievances, then on your head be it.
Do you want any Swiss chard? No, thank you! All right, we've got to have an editorial meeting.
We've got a bit of a problem.
The boss said that we can't put Brexit on the front page every day.
We have done for the last year.
I know, and people are getting a teensy bit bored.
We need to get other headlines.
Now, the World Cup is coming up.
And what are we looking at here? Is it the warehouse staff from DFS Basingstoke? No, it's the England football team.
ALL: Is it? Yeah.
Rooney has retired from the England squad, so the last tabloid-selling player has officially left the pitch, and we're left with this lot.
I mean, who even are they? I think that one's Dier.
They're all bloody DIRE! People used to care about England.
The nation laughed when Lineker shat his pants.
They cried when Beckham got sent off.
They smiled when Gazza made jokes about his crippling alcoholism.
Them's were the days, eh? Yeah, and now this lot has qualified for the World Cup and no-one's even noticed.
It's like the only people that care about football any more are people who actually like football.
Ludicrous.
We've got to save the England team.
We've got to get them back on the front pages.
Yeah, but how do we do that now phone hacking's off the agenda? We'll have to go old school.
Make stuff up.
Puns sell papers.
Exactly.
This, apparently, is Joe Hart.
He's happily married Or is he? Yeah, he is, yeah.
I know, but you track down a snap of him looking a bit saucy at someone, bit of tabloid magic and, bingo, he's Joe Hart-breaker.
Everybody loves a Casanova.
This is Harry Kane.
Harry KANES it! I'll go and stick 50 empty cider bottles in his bin.
Yeah.
Suddenly he's a troubled genius.
You see? I'm interested already.
Danny Drinkwater.
ALL: Danny Snort-cocaine! And we're back in the game.
BBC NEWS THEME PLAYS.
The Paradise Papers have revealed that about £10 million of the Queen's own money was invested in an offshore tax haven.
What are you doing, ma'am? Surely it's all your own money? HER MAJESTY's Revenue & Customs.
You're only hurting yourself.
Seriously? Eros? Otherwise known as the Angel of Christian Charity? Or to look at it another way, it depicts a semi-naked figure rampaging around Piccadilly Circus shooting people with a bow and arrow.
Right.
EXPLOSION.
Right.
SHE CHUCKLES.
What's next? Paddington Bear's statue.
Paddington Bear?! Illegal immigrant.
Hello, and welcome to The Review Show here on BBC Four - too smart for BBC One, too smug for BBC Two.
Tonight, I'm joined by not one woman but two, partly because there was a booking error but also because we're discussing a new season of female-led TV drama.
Let's take a look, shall we? New to the BBC - a season of those dramas about powerful women.
Judge Jane Jones is a no-nonsense law-maker at the top of her game.
Objection, Your Honour.
Overruled and, believe me, I know when to overrule.
I am damn good at my job.
Mummy, you said you'd be home today.
You said you'd take us to the park.
I would love to, but I'm too busy judging.
And because this is drama, she's bound to snap.
So, Jane, I hear your ex-husband took the children away.
I'm not surprised, as you have a successful career, so .
.
you can't have a family as well.
Jane Hart is a no-nonsense surgeon at the top of her game.
I know I can save him, damn it! I'm the best surgeon in the country, maybe even the world.
Hello, David? I really need to have self-destructive sex with someone in a way that will bring about my downfall.
And since she's powerful, she's bound to snap.
The young man you had sex with has told everybody at the hospital.
If you will have sex with people, especially at your age Jane Strong is a no-nonsense architect at the top of her game.
I don't want to hear your excuses.
Just get it done! Hi, I'm your new colleague, Claire Foundations.
I'm also no-nonsense and at the top of my game.
I hear you've both gone for the same promotion.
One or both of you is bound to snap.
So, Carol, if I can come to you first, isn't it great to finally see so many female characters at the top of their game? Well, it would be if they didn't portray all powerful women as inevitably psychotic.
These shows suggest any woman with a half-decent job is destined to self-destruct.
It's ridiculous.
OK.
Kelly, I imagine you'd like to disagree because that is why we have two of you.
No, no, I agree with Carol.
What? Women with successful careers are written like it's some kind of character flaw.
I find that quite offensive.
But you're both no-nonsense television reviewers at the top of your game.
Are you not going to violently disagree and then commit some sort of impulsive act that ultimately leads to your downfall? I think you've been watching a bit too much telly, Martin.
What if I told you we only had space for one of you on next week's show? Wouldn't matter.
In real life, professional women Well, that's that bitch out of the way.
Would you like to have an affair? I thought you'd never ask.
Won't be a moment, dear.
Just deleting some porn.
What? It's a joke.
One of my joke thingies.
Remember I made one once before? OhOh, yes.
So, how was your cross-party sleaze meeting? Me, Jeremy Corbyn and Vince Cable in a room together.
What do you think? Didn't go well, then? No, on the contrary, we made serious progress.
If we can just get the whole of Westminster to be as utterly devoid of sexual tension as that room, job done! This news just in The markets don't like uncertainty.
Oil pipeline in the pipeline.
Let me be clear.
Off the record.
How do I put this? And the answer is, we're out! # She wants to be like She wants to see like # She wants to walk a mile in their shoes # Every day a new sensation How to break it to the nation? # Tracey's gonna break the news # She wants to save it She wants to claim it # She really hopes that nobody sues # Every day a new sensation Take it to the waiting nation # She's gonna faking well break the news# Come! Right, three minutes to studio, Mrs O.
Anything I can do for you? A tea, a coffee? Go over the new rules again? I think I've got them now, darling.
So, half the singers sing on the Saturday and half on the Sunday, and then there's a sing-off between the worst two singers.
The best.
Ah! No, that's right.
The best singers go head to head to see who gets kicked off.
No.
To see who wins.
Yes.
To see who wins the show.
No, who wins the prize.
Oh, that's right.
Yes, there's a prize now, so no-one loses.
Uh, no.
More people do lose.
I thought more people won? Well, yes, but more people win less, so we lose more losers while seeing more winners.
Oh! Agh For the love of God, who came up with these rules?! Simon did.
After he fell down the stairs and hit his head.
Well, can someone just explain them to me in words I can understand? SLURRED: Sharon, it's easy.
You go round and round and round HE RAMBLES.
.
.
judges' houses, and all the people going HE RAMBLES.
.
.
and a live final, Sharon.
Well, it's simple when you put it like that.
Can you get that written onto a card for me? Thanks, sweetheart.
GERMAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS.
Oh, Birgit, what a day.
I am so tired of all this Fisten-Cuffen and German politics.
Why can we not just form a coalition? Ah, you will do it, mein Chancellor-ette.
After all, who just tops the Forbes list of the 100 Most Powerful Women? Me.
Angela Merkel.
You don't look very happy about it.
Aren't you hipping the hoorays? I won last year! I've been there, done that, bought the Lederhosen.
But so many great women are below you.
Beyonce is only number 50.
That was before they announced the cast of The Lion King remake.
By now, she'd be a solid 35.
But aren't you even eine kleine bit happy? Nein! Because the Forbes 100 is easy.
Where is my name on the list of 100 Hottest Women? Can't they see that I am sexy as well as powerful? Like Wonder Woman! Maybe you're looking in the wrong place.
Do you think that this outfit is beige enough, Birgit? Do you think we should beige it up some more? Ah, look here, mein Chancellor-ette.
A Lad Bible poll of celebrity crushes, you are number 28.
Oh, let me see.
Unlikely crushes! SHE SIGHS.
This is an outrage! Listen, you are a powerful woman mit important things to do.
Forget this fluff.
There are fresh concerns about the Kremlin interfering in Catalonia.
You should write a strong and lengthy statement.
Wait! Could that be the answer? Has the Kremlin been interfering with the FHM Sexiest Women poll? Ja.
Ja! They are trying to undermine the West by lying about your total hotness.
Oh, what a relief.
I feel so much better.
Let me see this most powerful list again.
Oh, look, Theresa May is number 2.
Send her a memo.
Just write, "Better luck next year, bitch!" You see, I'm throwing the shade on her, like Wonder Woman.
Have you actually seen that film? Nein, I don't have Netflixen.
BBC NEWS THEME PLAYS.
Oh, hello.
There goes another one.
Following unauthorised contact with Israeli officials, International Development Secretary Priti Patel resigned in a meeting with the PM on Wednesday.
Well, we think it was Wednesday that she met the PM.
She probably met her on Monday and Tuesday as well but didn't bother telling anyone.
MILITARY DRUMMING.
ORDERS SHOUTED.
Defence Secretary.
Where? Oh, right, that's me, isn't it? Sorry.
New to the job.
Major General Edwards.
Where? Oh, right, is that you? Sorry.
I just wasn't expecting a Yes.
Yeah.
Gavin Williamson.
And this is the Army, then? It is.
Right.
So, where do you keep the boats? No, that's the Navy.
That's the Navy.
Right.
Yeah.
Boats equals Navy.
Sorry, I am still slightly playing catch-up with the details.
I wasn't really expecting to suddenly become Defence Secretary.
This time last week, I was in the Chief Whip's office, you know, with my pet spider.
Your? Sorry.
Kronos, this is Major General Edwards.
Major General Edwards, this is Kronos.
Yeah, so last week, I was just Weird Spider Guy, and now I'm in charge of the full might of Her Majesty's Armed Forces.
It's insane, eh? Utterly.
Anyway, the upshot is, I've suddenly had to swot up on the Army and Navy.
And Air Force.
There's an air force as well? Right.
OK.
Well, I'm learning already.
I'll have the hang of this in no time.
Right, should I go and address the troops? If you'd like.
I'm sure they'd be delighted to hear from a man of such uncommon experience.
They're this way.
Right you are.
That's a Cub Scout salute.
Right.
What is the proper salute? It's Army, Navy, Air Force.
Ah.
Ah, so my next-door neighbour thinks I'm in the Air Force! I'm glad I asked.
I can't tell you how helpful this has been.
It's been my absolute pleasure.
Now, are there any other questions? Yes, can Kronos be your new regimental mascot? No.
OK.
Can I have a gun? No.
Fair enough.
Right, then, ready? Absolutely.
Don't worry.
They may look like trained killers But? There's no but.
Oh, right.
Well, here we go.
Oh, and there's a medal to give out this morning, so make your way to the front and ask to see Private Parts.
I want to see Private Parts.
Right, got it.
Ha! Hello, Sexy Bum.
It's Camilla.
Can you see me? TYRES SCREECH.
Well, hold it a bit lower.
I can only see your bald spot.
Ah, that's better! What do you mean, bad news? Don't worry, I sorted it.
I took all your investment paperwork down to the hunt kennels.
Hounds have shredded the bally lot.
What other thing? Not another bloody Diana tape?! Last year, they found an unseen clip where she sneezed and they built a 90-minute documentary around it.
What did? Oh, the Royal Variety Performance? No bally way! We went last year.
It's someone else's turn.
Does Edward still exist? What about Kate and William? I bet they've said she's still puking.
I mean, I've opened fetes with chronic thrush AND a three-bottle hangover.
You just have to get on with it.
SIREN WAILS.
Oh, hang on.
About bloody time! We've had reports that you're driving erratically.
Well, of course I'm driving erratically.
I'm FaceTiming hubby, I've got a sleeping dog in the footwell and I'm trying to get through this traffic in time to watch Homes Under The Hammer.
Police escort? I should think so, too! New from MP Games, the game for women in Parliament of all ages.
It'sGuess Who's Next! Test your deductive skills as you try to work out which of your colleagues will be disgraced next.
Is it a white middle-class man? Yes.
It's fun for all the family, except for unaccompanied women.
Does he have a wife? Yeah.
Does he care? No.
Is it? No, but I can see why you'd think that.
Is it? Yes.
Yes, it is.
Yeah.
That's pretty much what I'd heard.
Guess Who's Next?, the game you can keep playing until the culture changes.
Hi, Karen? You must be James.
Welcome to HMRC.
You don't have to be mad to work here But it helps? Why would it help? No, sorry.
Good point.
Right, first things first.
You'll need to get rid of that.
Sorry.
No, your phone.
What? It's Apple, isn't it? Since we investigate corporate giants who play the system to avoid paying any meaningful tax in the UK, we can't really be seen to use their products, can we? So Don't worry.
If you need to make any calls, you can use mine.
But the 9's missing, so try not to start any fires.
Right.
Where did you get the coffee from? Starbucks.
We don't see many of their bucks coming our way, do we? Bin! Headphones? Amazon.
SHE SIGHS.
Now, what about this suit? Looks like Gap to me.
Well, yeah, but I got it off eBay.
eBay?! Bin! I hope you're not a fan of Bono or anything.
James, where did you get the underpants? M&S.
Oh, thank God for that.
You can keep them on.
Whew.
BBC NEWS THEME PLAYS.
Formula 1 world champion Lewis Hamilton has been accused of avoiding tax on his £16 million private jet, despite his lawyer deeming the transaction to be lawful.
Honestly! You set up a company in the Isle of Man to lease your plane to a firm in Farnborough, who rent the same plane back to you via your other company in Guernsey, and people try to make out there's something dodgy going on? The time is Ooh, I can have the other half of that Twix.
Here we go.
See, you look relaxed and natural there.
Philip, that's a Madame Tussaud's waxwork.
The real me would never be standing next to Boris AND smiling.
Could be worse.
They could have put you next to Trump.
Ha-ha! Philip, that's not funny.
I have to Skype him now and discuss the arrangements.
Has anyone actually told Trump that his royal visit's no longer royal? Well, I'll add it to my list of things I need to speak firmly to him about.
Now, which button? This.
This one? Mm-hm.
SKYPE DIALS.
Oh, he's not there.
Never mind.
I'll try next month.
Hello? SHE GROANS.
BRIGHTLY: How are you, Mr President? I'm in another country.
It's called Asia.
It's really exotic and different.
What have you been doing? Playing golf and eating hamburgers.
Can I have those on my royal visit to England-land? Actually, your trip's been adjusted to a working visit.
But I still get to ride in a gold carriage, right? And I want to meet Duchess Kate, but not if she's still carrying baby fat.
I have high standards, the highest.
Donald, there's some things I really need to speak to you about.
First, I have a question, and it's a very normal question.
Are you wearing a wire? No, I'm not wearing a wire.
Good.
Although I've got nothing to worry about.
Papadopoulos was very low level, I hardly knew Manafort, didn't even realise he was my campaign manager or long-term friend.
I see.
All these people are low level.
Take Ivanka.
She's a low-level volunteer daughter from an old wife who I fired before the campaign, a campaign I did not know much about.
I left that all to the Russians.
Look, I have some things to say to you, and I intend to say them.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT.
When you come here, I insist you don't grab anyone by the you-know-what, link moped crime to Islamic terrorism or threaten nuclear wars that may or may not incinerate the Northern Hemisphere.
There, I've said it, and we can tell the press that I stood up to you and that I'm strong, which I am.
I hope I didn't go too far.
Did I go to far? Please, can we still have a trade deal? What was that? I wasn't listening.
I was doing a tweet about how we should kill all of America's judges, even the ones from America's Got Talent.
Right.
Well, it's always good to talk to you.
Theresa, it's always good to be on Fox News.
I'm not Fox News.
I'm the British Prime Minister, remember? So that's why you're not hot? OK, what button kills the call? Is it this one? SHE SIGHS.
Someone get me # She's going to faking well break the news# Alexis, what's the weather like today? OLD WOMAN: Back in my day, we didn't have all this technology, and we seemed to get along just fine.
Introducing the all-new Alexis Senior Edition.
Alexis, what's playing at the local cinema? Oh, you don't want to go out.
That Mrs Brown's on tonight.
Do you know she's actually a man in a dress? If you're missing having that elderly parent around, then the Alexis Senior is perfect for you.
Alexis, call Trevor.
Is that your new fancy man? If I'd had more than one fella in my life, I'd have been called a slapper, but I suppose times change.
Alexis, call Trevor! Oh, that reminds me, you'll never guess who else has got cancer? The new Alexis Senior Edition.
Alexis, book a taxi in five minutes.
Ooh, I don't know, everyone's in such a hurry nowadays.
Now 50% more reactionary.
Alexis, dim lights.
And shall I also put the temperature up? I expect it's usually hotter than this where he comes from.
Really?! I'm sorry about her.
She won't be around much longer.
Typical! And she promised she'd never put me in a home! Excuse me.
I'm Dr Michael Townsend, British Heritage.
I'm Lady Yaxley, chair of the Public Statues Review Commission.
Very, very nice to meet you.
What exactly is going on here? Well, quite simply, we're going to blow up Nelson's Column.
What? No doubt you've heard about all the hoo-ha in America with the Confederate statues, and the Cecil Rhodes in Oxford? Well, the Government is super-keen to avoid offending anyone right now, so they've asked me to have a gander at all the statues in Britain and work out which one is going to cause the next big stink.
But Nelson's Column? Because of the admiral's links to the slave trade.
That's just political posturing, surely? Nevertheless, we think it's best to err on the safe side and blow it up.
You can't do that.
He was a great naval tactician, died a hero's death.
I mean, he was also a strong supporter of the slave trade, but then this statue doesn't celebrate his support of the slave trade, though it could be seen as condoning it, so It's a very complicated question.
Exactly.
And what very complicated questions need are very simple answers.
I think we dodged a bullet there.
On we go! BBC NEWS THEME PLAYS.
This is Simone Fredericks, and I've been awake so long I can't drive myself home.
Prince Harry's girlfriend, Meghan Markle, is set to move to London, prompting speculation that the couple are to become engaged.
Click here for Meghan's diet and beauty tips.
Uh, somebody has just copied and pasted Buzzfeed onto the autocue there.
Can we stop doing that? Nicola, why are we meeting here? It's proper bracing.
Almost too bracing.
Ah, there's no such thing as too bracing, Wee Mhairi.
I've brought you here because I'm going to take you on a little sea voyage.
I want to show you something important.
THEME FROM COAST PLAYS.
Do you know who the bane of my life is, Wee Mhairi? Jimmy Krankie? Because people keep saying you look like her.
No, you daft dobber.
Theresa May.
Not only did she put the kibosh on indyref2, but thanks to her hopeless Brexit shenanigans, Scotland's being pulled out of Europe whether we like it or not.
And we do not.
Oh, but don't worry, I'm going to cut a few back-door deals with our European neighbours so Scotland is protected when the Brex-shit hits the fan.
Our European neighbours? I've a crack team beavering away in a top-secret offshore location.
Is it the Orkneys? Yeah, yeah, it's the Orkneys.
Oh.
It's just such a beautiful holiday destination.
People say that.
What can you actually do there? There's loads to do there.
Like what? Oh, walking.
Hiking.
Strolling.
Wandering.
Roaming.
Aye, the roaming's dead good.
This way, Wee Mhairi.
DOOR CREAKS.
Behold the Scottish Partisan Operations Room for European Negotiations - SPORREN.
It looks just like a call centre.
It is a call centre.
Then why does it have to be so far away? Well, we've got to stay under Theresa May's radar, because what we're doing here might not be strictly constitutional.
Hello, this is Morag calling from the ancient country of Scotland.
I understand you've been involved in a Brexit that wasn't your fault.
I wonder if I could interest you in a political alliance at all? Hello, is that the Dutch Cabinet Office? I'm calling from the SNP on behalf of Nicola Sturgeon, the First Minister of Scotland.
It's part of the UK.
The bit above England.
No, no, no, we want to stay with you! Nicola, I think I've got you a lead.
Brilliant.
It's the Cultural Minister of Slovenia.
He said he'd consider a meeting if you can get him tickets to the next Biffy Clyro tour.
At least I think that's what he said.
He's quite hard to understand.
Right, give me the phone there.
Hello, it's Nicola Sturgeon from the SNP.
We're a pro-European constitutional organisation and Hello? I AM speaking English.
Aye.
Hello? Hello? He's hung up.
Why on earth couldn't he understand me? Do you think it could be anything to do with you saying Scotland wants to be an independent country with a proud nationalist agenda, whilst simultaneously denying the primacy of national borders by claiming you want to be an enthusiastic part of the European Union? Shut it, Wee Mhairi, and go for a long roam.
Have you recently been outed as a sex pest? Would you like to pretend your disgusting behaviour is the result of an illness, rather than you're just being a total shit? Then why not check into the Some Sort of Therapy Centre? The Some Sort of Therapy Centre is Europe's leading facility for everyone from shamed Hollywood producers to shamed Hollywood actor-producers.
Our team of, presumably, therapists is here to help you tell the world, "It's OK, I'm dealing with this myself.
"No need for the police.
" It's the perfect place to relax, unwind and avoid facing the consequences of your actions.
Our range of treatments includes counselling, or something like that, meditation, probably, and generally keeping a low profile till the heat's off.
But don't take my word for it.
Here's just one of our self-satisfied customers.
Before I came here, everyone was calling me a sex criminal, which seemed wrong to me somehow.
But the Some Sort of Therapy Centre made me realise that I'm actually a sex addict, which means I bear no responsibility for all the horrible things I've done.
So come to the Some Sort of Therapy Centre and take the first step to a new you, who's exactly the same as the old you but hopefully not facing prison.
Oh, cavolo nero .
Hello, John.
Jeremy, what's going on here? Well, my brassicas are flourishing, but that's autumn for you.
We're meant to be prepping you for Prime Minister's Questions.
I only found out you were in your allotment because you checked yourself in on Facebook.
Let's just take it down a notch, shall we? The workers.
The workers.
If I didn't get out here now and again, I feel like I spend my entire life telling adoring crowds that I intend to build a fairer Britain, a Britain where the nation's resources are not hoarded by the elite but shared equally in a spirit of democracy and justice.
Oh, Jeremy Corbyn .
And I wouldn't want that.
Let's just get on with it, shall we? I've got all the "I've had an e-mail from so-and-so"s here.
Shall we just go through them? Yeah, if you like.
OK.
There's one here about Boris Johnson's gaffe regarding that woman in Iran.
That sounds good.
Except the e-mail is from Peter from Peterborough.
I don't know, maybe it sounds a bit silly.
I mean, Peter's OK, and Peterborough's OK, but, "I've had an e-mail from Peter from Peterborough" Yeah, it's a bit Peter heavy.
There's one here from Sheila from Doncaster.
That sounds perfect.
Except her question is, "What is the Prime Minister's favourite mollusc?" Well, let's just take Peter's question and say it's from Sheila.
Violate the sanctity of "I've had an e-mail from so-and-so"s? Well, I wonder if I haven't outgrown the whole "I've had an e-mail from so-and-so"s thing, John.
Let me remind you, Jeremy, that the so-and-sos are the ordinary, decent working people of this country.
Or have you outgrown them?! The workers.
The workers.
No, it's not that.
It's just that people aren't really interested in folksy e-mails from Sheila in Doncaster.
They want to hear from Jeremy in Islington! My unlikely fame is currently our best bet for building a fairer Britain, a Britain in which a person's prospects are determined not by where they come from or who their parents are, but by their own talents and hard work Oh, put a sock in it, Corbyn! Hey, get off me! Agh! GRUNTING.
Well, I don't condone that, do you? No, there's absolutely no place for that kind of behaviour.
HE GROANS.
So, what are you going to ask at PMQs tomorrow? Perhaps I'll just wing it.
Whatever I say these days seems to be right.
OK, that's it.
If you care so little about the working population of this country that you'd rather blurt out random thoughts instead of airing their justifiable grievances, then on your head be it.
Do you want any Swiss chard? No, thank you! All right, we've got to have an editorial meeting.
We've got a bit of a problem.
The boss said that we can't put Brexit on the front page every day.
We have done for the last year.
I know, and people are getting a teensy bit bored.
We need to get other headlines.
Now, the World Cup is coming up.
And what are we looking at here? Is it the warehouse staff from DFS Basingstoke? No, it's the England football team.
ALL: Is it? Yeah.
Rooney has retired from the England squad, so the last tabloid-selling player has officially left the pitch, and we're left with this lot.
I mean, who even are they? I think that one's Dier.
They're all bloody DIRE! People used to care about England.
The nation laughed when Lineker shat his pants.
They cried when Beckham got sent off.
They smiled when Gazza made jokes about his crippling alcoholism.
Them's were the days, eh? Yeah, and now this lot has qualified for the World Cup and no-one's even noticed.
It's like the only people that care about football any more are people who actually like football.
Ludicrous.
We've got to save the England team.
We've got to get them back on the front pages.
Yeah, but how do we do that now phone hacking's off the agenda? We'll have to go old school.
Make stuff up.
Puns sell papers.
Exactly.
This, apparently, is Joe Hart.
He's happily married Or is he? Yeah, he is, yeah.
I know, but you track down a snap of him looking a bit saucy at someone, bit of tabloid magic and, bingo, he's Joe Hart-breaker.
Everybody loves a Casanova.
This is Harry Kane.
Harry KANES it! I'll go and stick 50 empty cider bottles in his bin.
Yeah.
Suddenly he's a troubled genius.
You see? I'm interested already.
Danny Drinkwater.
ALL: Danny Snort-cocaine! And we're back in the game.
BBC NEWS THEME PLAYS.
The Paradise Papers have revealed that about £10 million of the Queen's own money was invested in an offshore tax haven.
What are you doing, ma'am? Surely it's all your own money? HER MAJESTY's Revenue & Customs.
You're only hurting yourself.
Seriously? Eros? Otherwise known as the Angel of Christian Charity? Or to look at it another way, it depicts a semi-naked figure rampaging around Piccadilly Circus shooting people with a bow and arrow.
Right.
EXPLOSION.
Right.
SHE CHUCKLES.
What's next? Paddington Bear's statue.
Paddington Bear?! Illegal immigrant.
Hello, and welcome to The Review Show here on BBC Four - too smart for BBC One, too smug for BBC Two.
Tonight, I'm joined by not one woman but two, partly because there was a booking error but also because we're discussing a new season of female-led TV drama.
Let's take a look, shall we? New to the BBC - a season of those dramas about powerful women.
Judge Jane Jones is a no-nonsense law-maker at the top of her game.
Objection, Your Honour.
Overruled and, believe me, I know when to overrule.
I am damn good at my job.
Mummy, you said you'd be home today.
You said you'd take us to the park.
I would love to, but I'm too busy judging.
And because this is drama, she's bound to snap.
So, Jane, I hear your ex-husband took the children away.
I'm not surprised, as you have a successful career, so .
.
you can't have a family as well.
Jane Hart is a no-nonsense surgeon at the top of her game.
I know I can save him, damn it! I'm the best surgeon in the country, maybe even the world.
Hello, David? I really need to have self-destructive sex with someone in a way that will bring about my downfall.
And since she's powerful, she's bound to snap.
The young man you had sex with has told everybody at the hospital.
If you will have sex with people, especially at your age Jane Strong is a no-nonsense architect at the top of her game.
I don't want to hear your excuses.
Just get it done! Hi, I'm your new colleague, Claire Foundations.
I'm also no-nonsense and at the top of my game.
I hear you've both gone for the same promotion.
One or both of you is bound to snap.
So, Carol, if I can come to you first, isn't it great to finally see so many female characters at the top of their game? Well, it would be if they didn't portray all powerful women as inevitably psychotic.
These shows suggest any woman with a half-decent job is destined to self-destruct.
It's ridiculous.
OK.
Kelly, I imagine you'd like to disagree because that is why we have two of you.
No, no, I agree with Carol.
What? Women with successful careers are written like it's some kind of character flaw.
I find that quite offensive.
But you're both no-nonsense television reviewers at the top of your game.
Are you not going to violently disagree and then commit some sort of impulsive act that ultimately leads to your downfall? I think you've been watching a bit too much telly, Martin.
What if I told you we only had space for one of you on next week's show? Wouldn't matter.
In real life, professional women Well, that's that bitch out of the way.
Would you like to have an affair? I thought you'd never ask.