Traffic Light (2011) s01e03 Episode Script

So, it's, uh, it's been a month.
How's living together? Oh, it's great.
Hi.
- Except, um - Oh, here we go.
No, it's just that Callie's calling me now every morning during our commute.
Ooh That's not what you want.
Hey, sweetie, guess how fast I'm going! 12 miles an hour! I didn't let you guess.
(groans) ADAM: I need my car time.
Is that wrong? No, no.
I got an 18-month-old with molars coming in.
You're not gonna sell me on car time.
I was sitting in the bathroom and I saw, like, this 20-pack of Charmin, and I was, like, "Oh, God, Adam and I are gonna be together through all that toilet paper.
" You think too much.
Look, the thing is, my morning commute is my time to chillax.
Chillax? Yeah, I know.
I regretted that the moment I said it, but my point is, she's awesome, but before 10:00 a.
m.
Callie is not at the top of her game.
Hey, sweetie, I'm stopped.
(horns blaring) Zero miles an hour.
So just tell her you don't want to talk to her.
Okay, I don't know what the rules are where you come from, but here on Earth, if you tell that to your girlfriend, she's just gonna run you over with her car.
Listen, as a husband and a lawyer, I'm gonna advise you to nip this thing in the bud before it becomes a precedent.
I'm actually dealing with this now with that girl I'm seeing.
Yeah, right, Natasha.
I thought you were gonna bring her.
I had to slow things down a bit.
I have a strict "no leave behind" policy, and this girl's breaking the rule every chance she gets.
- Oh, that's not good.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Lip gloss.
Bye-bye.
Ah, scrunchies.
And sometimes you get more than you need Good catch, Carl.
I do it for the ladies.
Otherwise, when we break up, they come over to pick up their scrunchies and their lady products.
It's embarrassing for them.
And honestly, it sends Carl mixed messages.
(Carl groans) I know, little man.
Wow.
What? Okay, gentlemen, play it cool, play it cool.
Talk to me.
ADAM: Where is she? ETHAN: Halter, 11:00.
I'm going in, okay? So just cover me, okay? Don't stare.
It gets creepy.
Oh, wow, there is something very special going on over there.
Okay, just tell me what's happening.
You have to be my eyes.
Oh, she is coming over.
I will take it from here.
Boys, for the next 30 minutes I am Sting's nephew.
What? Hey, there.
Hello, it's a pleasure to You're Mike Reilly, right? Uh, uh, yeah, I'm technically, I'm Michael.
I'm Michelle.
My friends call me "Mike.
" Hi, Michael.
Hey, Michael.
Anyway, I heard that you've tried some cases in front of Judge Loncar.
Guilty.
Actually, not guilty.
Actually, I won that case.
I'm a litigator.
Well, I'm trying a case in front of him next week, and I would love it if we could get together.
I could maybe pick your brain.
Could I get your number? (snickers) This is my wife Lisa.
Hey, nice to meet you.
You, too.
We're married to each other.
So can I get your number? That's my wife.
I mean, I don't have a pen.
Uh, shoot, neither do I.
Oh, wait.
Lucky.
There you go.
- Perfect.
- Perfect.
- Wow.
- This is actually better than her talking to me.
Yeah.
Traffic Light 1x03 All the Precedent's Men What's this? Oh! No, thank you.
Not interested.
Why are you throwing away Michelle's number? Because one of the secrets of our happy marriage is that I have stopped dating.
Boop! Okay, you are unbelievable.
That is exactly the type of glass ceiling crap women in business have to put up with.
She's a colleague, Mike.
Lisa, the passing of the phone number is done for one purpose and one purpose alone: the boo-tay.
Okay, first of all, when she gave you her number, you were wearing a baby.
She got daddy issues.
Oh, God.
Most of 'em do.
What? Look, I'm just saying your man, he can still pull the digits.
Dig it.
Come on, Mike, it's you.
What's that supposed to mean? It means that nothing about her that is a woman is identifying with anything about you that is a man.
What's that supposed to mean? It means get over yourself.
She's a colleague.
She's asking you for a professional favor, and you are gonna have lunch with her.
Boop! Can't do the "boop" thing.
It's mine.
DEEJAY: It's Guilty Pleasures Thursday, and coming up next, ten in a row from the '80s.
Oh, yes! Let's get some wattage in this cottage.
(phone rings) (rock playing) Oh, really? Hi.
Hey, it happened again; three days in a row.
8:37, and I'm about to go under the Dan Ryan bridge.
It's almost like you're leaving from the same place at the same time each day.
Hey, they opened a pet store next to that café on Main.
Get your coffee and your dog food, da-da, da! They probably don't have goldfish.
(phone rings) Oh, you know what, sweetie? Mike's calling me.
It's got to be important, so I'm just gonna Oh, it's cool.
I'll hold.
Okay.
Oh, my God, it's brutal, man.
Not only is she doing her annoying play-by-play, but now she's, like, added her own soundtrack to it.
It's just What you need to do is hijack an 18-wheeler and just drive it in my face right now.
CALLIE: Still me.
Uh Eth, have you seen my toothbrush? No.
Are you sure you left it here? Yeah.
I knew I was coming over tonight.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Well, that is just the strangest thing.
Hmm.
Oh, here it is.
It was right on the sink where I left it.
Right next to my lipstick.
We must have missed it.
Yes, we must have.
I'll just put it in here right next to yours.
Splendid.
ADAM: This is bad, man, this is really, really bad.
She's never hung up on me before.
Okay, relax, you screwed up.
Pretty bad.
Not gonna lie.
But I got a guy.
You got a guy? A guy for what? Call my buddy Anton at Segal's Flowers, he'll hook you up.
But you do not talk to or see Callie until those flowers are delivered.
I don't know, man.
Hey, his specialty is apology flowers.
You want to fix this thing? Listen to me! All right, I'm listening.
What? When Tommy was born, I was a little sleep-deprived and I accidentally said to Lisa, "Hey, I love having a son, just not quite sure I love having you as a mother.
(laughs) Hey, it's not funny.
Sorry.
How are you still married? I'm married because I'm friends with Anton.
You just call him and ask for the Bastard Bouquet.
How much is that gonna set me back? I don't know.
Lisa pays the bills.
Hey, you.
MIKE: Oh.
Honey, you might not want to wear your favorite shirt to music class.
Oh, I'd love to, but I'm not gonna be able to do that today.
I got this thing I got to do.
Whoa.
I thought we agreed that these classes were good for Tommy, and we would suffer through them together.
I know, I know.
Unfortunately, that lunch you made me go on with Michelle could only happen today.
Ohno.
Oh, you totally did that on purpose.
Did what on purpose, follow my wife's instructions? You bet I did.
Hey, quick question for you: what about the shirt? Um, thinking about popping the collar.
People doing that these days? 'Cause I feel like I want to do it.
Yeah, you should do it.
That way, everyone will know you're a douche.
Okay, perfect.
All right, love you, babe.
You guys have fun at music class.
Get a headache for me! Love you.
Bye.
(door closes) I don't know.
I mean, it's just some toiletries, right? Do you think I'm being paranoid? No, I don't.
She's definitely trying to move in.
By the time Callie and I hit six months, everything that didn't take two men to move was already in my apartment.
You see, I need to do something.
I don't want to break up with her.
I just want to break up with her stuff.
I mean, this girl is amazing.
But this toothbrush thing And you're sure? You never even saw it appear? No, toothbrush out of thin air.
Hmm.
You think she keistered it? That's what I would do.
The toothbrush? Maybe.
This girl's great.
Wow.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, the thing you got to know about Judge Loncar is, you know, his bark is much worse than his bite, so, you know, if he barks at you, you got to just bark right back.
He respects that.
Got it.
Give him a brushback pitch.
A little chin music.
What? Sorry, sorry.
Baseball analogy.
I don't know if you know baseball.
Yeah! Yeah, no, I-I-I know baseball, yeah.
I actually played college.
D-1, no big deal.
You know, whatever.
They wrote an article about me.
It's online.
You can check it out.
Come on! D-1? That's so cool.
No, it's cool.
It's just who I am.
Really? Is that why you ordered a salad for lunch, princess? Really? Princess? Oh, okay, we'll see about that.
Uh, Stephanie! Yeah? Can we get a couple of shots over here? Sure.
What are you drinking? He's gonna have a lemon drop, and I would like a shot of Patrón, and also we're gonna need a crown for the Salad Queen.
Okay.
Thanks.
Awesome, yeah.
Hello, it's Mr.
Cloud Sorry.
Sun shines bright No! Back at, like, the height of his career.
Like when he got the DUI?! Yeah.
No! Oh, come on! Yep, yep.
More? I'm not even Yes, more shots.
I'm gonna finish this one.
To Judge Loncar! Loncar! (crying) It's Mr.
Cloud Sun shines bright Oh, yes! (both yelling) Ah, yeah! Oh! Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay.
Sorry about that.
Well, I had a lovely time.
Well, we could go back to your place.
Uh, yeah, I'd love to.
I'd love to, but unfortunately, I have to work a double shift and I mean, we could Oh, no.
No, you're never gonna go for it.
What? Well, I don't know, but-- okay, well, until I get a call, I mean, there's no reason why we couldn't have a little fun in the (alarm chirps) Do you want to go in the back door? Of the ambulance.
Did you think that I? No.
So this is your big plan.
You're gonna quarantine your entire relationship to the ambulance? Hey, you know, I freely admit the plan won't last forever, but then neither do my relationships.
And where are your gym clothes? Look, I haven't been home yet because Anton is taking a long time to get the white calla lilies.
They have to be calla lilies? Oh, absolutely.
Ah, look, Michelle just texted me.
God, she's hilarious.
I'm texting her back.
"LOL.
" Wait.
Let me see this.
"LOL"? Using emoticons? What is happening? Huh? Are you trying to sleep with this girl? What? No! You think she's trying to sleep with you? It's not about that! I don't want to have sex with I'm married! Hello? Do you think she wants to? (Ethan and Adam laughing) ADAM: Yeah, absolutely.
I think she wants to get all up in that business.
You know, I don't want to sleep with her, so, okay, whatever.
God, you guys are lame.
Yeah, but in a vacuum, you would do it.
Yeah, in a vacuum.
I Yeah, I mean, I'd do almost anything in a vacuum.
My whole life is a vacuum.
Look, the point is, is that Michelle's cool.
We have things in common.
And she's not Lisa's friend or Lisa's sister.
Or Lisa's other sister.
She's mine.
She's all mine.
She's my little girl buddy.
ETHAN: All right, well, if she's just a friend, what are you getting from her that you're not getting from us? Hmm? A lot of looks from jealous guys-- tell you that much.
(yells) I'm sure she wants a piece of that action.
Oh, yeah.
Sexy.
Bad at basketball.
(kissing) You really like them? I love them.
There's not too many of them? (chuckles) Right.
Listen, about earlier Oh, you don't have to say anything.
No, no, no.
I I want to.
I just got a little crazy.
Okay, you got a little crazy.
You said some stupid stuff.
You know, it's just that since we've moved in together, I my car time is the only free time I have.
What? No.
No.
Uh, what I mean is that it's the only time I have that's just purely enjoyable.
Excuse me? (sighs) Oh, did you read this card that I that Oh, I hope we don't get that friendly waiter.
I hate that guy.
Oh, Dwayne? Oh, how do we know his name? Because he's all like, "Hey, I'm" Honey, did you get a voice mail? Did I? I didn't even hear it ring.
I hope it's not the sitter.
MICHELLE: Hey.
It's me.
Thanks again for the other day.
I mean, honestly, I have to say, that was the most fun I've had in, like, my whole life.
That sangria was like a big fruit party in my mouth.
Oh, and FYI, next time we get together, keep your hands off my balls! (beep, message cuts out) (clears throat) Basketballs.
I didn't say that I have no freedom.
I said that I don't have freedom.
Oh, well, I'm so sorry if our relationship makes you feel like a slave.
A slave to your love.
Oh, give me a break.
All right, look, of course, I'm not a slave.
I-I'm not I but if I was a slave, I would be one of those happy slaves who's thrilled to be there, okay? Like no, like a Roman slave, right? Like a Roman slave? Yeah, they were happy.
Right? Look, if they were to abolish slavery, I would have been, like, looking to the other slaves and said, like, "Uh, hey, fellas, "I think I'm just going to stick around for a while, uh, for the baths and the numerals.
" Oh, man.
"Hi.
It's me.
Oh, Mike.
Fruit parties.
Hi.
It's me.
" Come on! Listen.
I'm your wife.
I'm the only "It's me" in your life.
Why are you so mad at me? Because I thought that you were going to meet with her to talk about that judge.
I didn't realize lunch would come with a two-drink minimum.
Whoa! Whoa! Come on.
Wait.
We went to lunch.
Yes.
I only did because you told me to.
(stammering) Technically, this is sort of your fault.
Are you kidding me right now? It is.
I'm just saying.
Okay, stop it.
I just this is what it is.
I just didn't think that you would have, you know, so much fun with her.
Oh.
Oh, really? Or maybe you just didn't think that she would have so much fun with me.
(clicks tongue) Checkmate.
(clucks tongue) ETHAN (over phone): Wait, you said that to Lisa? Oh, yeah.
I am totally in the zone.
The first time in my marriage I had the perfect comeback and there was nothing she could say about it.
Well, you got to call Adam.
He should hear this.
- Already did.
What, you called him before me? Hey, don't ruin my moment, okay? Come on.
Are we doing this? Uh, look, I got to go.
All right.
Bye.
Oh, he's back! (yells, whoops) By the way, I don't disagree.
Hey.
Um listen.
I I just wanted to apologize for my behavior last night.
I'm listening.
I got a little hotheaded.
The whole Michelle thing caught me off guard, but I shouldn't have taken it out on you.
Mm-hmm.
You were just doing what I asked you to do.
I was just doing what you asked me to do.
And she is just a colleague, and I overreacted.
And you are so adorable when you are admitting you're wrong.
Boop.
I just have one question for you.
I'm open ears.
Do you want to be friends with her? What's that? Michelle-- do you want to be friends with her? Can you define friends? Someone who's not just a colleague.
Someone who you want to see because you enjoy their company.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I know there's an answer that you're looking for here, and if you just whisper it in my ear, I'd be happy to repeat it to you louder.
Mike.
What? The correct answer is the truth.
Come on.
I'm serious.
I think we both know it's not.
Mike, come on.
It's me.
Just tell me.
Just tell me.
Okay.
Fine.
Uh if you want the truth, uh, yeah.
She's, um she's a pretty cool girl, you know, and she's good at the hoops, and she can hold her liquor pretty well, and I mean, yeah, look, if it's okay with you, I would like to be friends with her.
Okay.
Okay.
Then, we will be friends with her.
Great.
Wait.
We? Thanks.
That was really fun.
Yes, it was.
It was perfect.
Oh.
Oh! Whoops.
Nearly forgot this.
Hi.
Have a good day at school.
What? (siren whoops) ETHAN (over P.
A.
): I'll call you.
(engine starting) MIKE: So, uh, how'd the flowers go over? The flowers were great.
The problem was that I tried to do a follow-up apology.
What? What are you talking about? No, no, no, no, no, no.
The flowers are the apology.
You make the sale, you get out of the room, son.
No.
I'm going to call her.
I'm going to call her during my commute, right? And that'll show her that I love her enough to give up my free time.
Yeah.
You should probably say it just like that.
(horns honking) MAN: Come on! Should we move him to the side of the road so traffic can get by? (horns honking) (both laughing) Makes me laugh every time.
It's going to be backed up for hours.
Want to take your tie off? You're not going to make it to work today.
(groaning) No, stay with me.
Stay with me.
Hold yeah, hold still.
(speed-dialing) (line ringing) (beep, Callie humming tune over phone) Callie's cell phone.
Damn it.
(sighing) 20 cc's of epinephrine.
20 cc's coming up.
Damn, she's good.
(horns honking) (phone ringing) (beep) What? ADAM: It's 8:37.
Uh, are you under the bridge? I am.
Me, too.
Look to your right.
This is my Say Anything moment.
(crashing) Oh, my God! Are you okay? Does that mean you're talking to me again? Ooh.
Mozzarella sticks.
Love it.
Nice.
I thought we were trying to eat better.
No fried foods.
Oh, you know what? You're so right.
We should be eating better.
Let's just get a salad.
Okay.
Yeah.
Salads are awesome.
MICHELLE: You know, Mike and I were already having so much fun, but having you here is, like, this whole added bonus.
Totally.
Totally.
I am just so completely comfortable with you guys.
Aw.
That is the sweetest thing.
You.
Wow.
I've never done this before, but, um I'm just going to come right out and say it.
Do you guys want to have a three-way? What? What? Come on! It could be fun.
I mean, Mike and I clearly have chemistry, and I'm just going to own it.
I like Asian girls.
Absolutely not.
Absolutely not.
No.
What about just you and I? No.
Come on.
No.
Okay.
Well, if you change your mind you have my number.
No.
You know, we don't have to do this.
No.
No.
We're here, and, you know, the important thing is for the three of us to get into it and and have fun.
Okay.
WOMAN: The sun shines bright High and proud Knock, knock, hello It's Mr.
Cloud (Lisa joins in): Sun shines bright (Mike joins in): High and proud Knock, knock, hello It's Mr.
Cloud Shine, shine, shine Shine, shine ADAM: Dude, if you didn't actually have the threesome, then it doesn't count as a threesome.
Hey, I got the offer.
Have you ever gotten the offer? Yeah.
No, I haven't.
ETHAN: You know what? I'm going to allow it.
Mike, it counts.
Congratulations.
Yay! Welcome to the club.
There.
You got credit for the threesome.
Are you happy now? Yes, I am.
Okay.
Thank you, Ethan.
Call me anytime, love.
(phone beeps) Technically, we both got the offer.
Yeah, technically.
Sort of.