Truth Be Told (2015) s01e03 Episode Script

1 I feel like you guys are not taking my audition seriously.
A lot of famous comedians started out doing commercials.
Yes, but none of them were dressed as a snowman for a frozen yogurt company.
Kevin Hart was the voice of a delightfully sarcastic pimple.
- Was he? - What am I, his biographer? - Point is, you gotta start off somewhere.
- Check it out.
Your favorite person in the world just solved our babysitter problem.
Luke Skywalker solved our babysitter problem? Guess which one of our extremely religious neighbors has agreed to do a babysitter share? - Please say the answer isn't me.
- It's not.
Thank you, Jesus.
The Goldmans.
Ugh, the Goldmans? Anybody else.
Is this about you stealing Avi's recycling can? I didn't steal it.
And yet every trash day, I get Avi Goldman's stink eye.
I didn't take it! I didn't You know what I'm gonna steal? Is that toothbrush! I don't know.
Tuesday morning it's there, Tuesday afternoon, poof.
My guess is the black guy took it.
It's not what you think.
He's just a horrible racist.
Starting tomorrow, two days a week we'll be looking after the Goldman's daughter, Maya.
And two days a week, Sadie will be going over there with their babysitter, Gary.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Male babysitter? That's not a deal breaker? The only way I'm hiring a male babysitter, is if I didn't have kids, and I just needed somebody to cut the grass.
And even then, he's only drinking out the water hose.
Actually, Gary is great.
He teaches music to all the kids in the neighborhood.
And even though he doesn't have kids, he's a Scoutmaster.
This one time he took Step away from the children.
No, no, no, no.
All the neighborhood moms love him.
He's like a male Mary Poppins.
He's Gary Poppins.
You remember, he's the one that did the giant bubbles with the hula hoops.
- Oh, bubble Gary.
- Yeah.
That guy's awesome.
I stood inside my own bubble.
Well, on Saturday, he's bringing his bubbles and his guitar to Sadie's birthday party.
I'm surprised you're going with live entertainment after what happened last year.
Yeah.
I don't know what agency you used, but that princess you hired was not a princess.
She wasn't a stripper.
Babe, she had a handler.
Hey, watch it with the fingerpaint.
When the clock strikes midnight, I bet this Cinderella turns back into a hooker.
You just don't understand the kind of pressure I'm under.
This party has to be amazing.
The kids are gonna love it.
Of course they're gonna love it, they're kids.
Fill them with cake and ice cream, they'll love anything, - It's the moms she's worried about.
- Really? But, Trace, your whole thing is you don't care if anyone likes you.
That's why everyone loves you.
Why do you care about them? Because I'm a working mom, which means whenever I'm racing off to the office, all the stroller moms are peering over their lattes giving me judgy looks.
It's just Sadie's party has to be perfect.
Oh, hey, we didn't get your RSVP yet.
Yeah.
- Is that something y'all want us at? - Not that last year wasn't great.
Who knew I could be in my 30s and get pink eye? It's just that we'll probably be the only ones there - without kids.
- Or pink eye.
Really? So you guys don't want to go? You're kidding, right? Sadie's turning the big six-nothing.
- Of course we're going.
- Try and keep us away.
My eye already itches.
Girls, girls, no jumping on the couch.
Tushie or knees.
Tushie or knees.
Tushie or knees.
Maybe I should take the first playdate.
It's not that I don't believe in you.
I just believe in me more.
Honey, look at the couch.
What you are seeing is the successful implementation of the Tushie or Knees Policy.
It's gonna be smooth sailing.
But in the unlikely event that this playdate takes a nosedive, I am leaving the "Frozen" DVD right here.
I don't need the crutch of screen time.
I got the whole three hours planned out.
First, we're gonna start off with bracelet making.
Then I'm locked and loaded on a pretty elaborate scavenger hunt in the backyard.
Uh, spoiler alert, check the treehouse.
Then, I am closing with boom whackers.
Huh? Super fun.
I'm leaving the DVD right here.
And that is where it will be when you get home, 'cause I got this.
Stop! Stop! Girls, stop.
The box specifically says do not hit people.
Okay, fun little fact that Mommy doesn't need to know, "Frozen.
" Oh, ffff-rozen.
Hey, Mitch.
Tiny humans.
I was about to hop in the shower for my fro-yo audition.
- What's up? - Real quick.
Do you have a copy of "Frozen?" You're asking a grown man if he has the movie "Frozen.
" The story of two sisters' love set in the snowy city of Arendelle? - So you do have it.
- I do not.
I put it on my Christmas list, but Angie thought it was a joke.
But she did give me a kick-ass karaoke machine with all the songs from "Frozen" and two dope wireless mics.
- You're the best.
- You heard him, girls.
Time to build a snowman.
Hello, Goldman girl.
My name is Russell.
Welcome to my home.
Please take note of the One.
Mine.
- Russell? - Coming! - How many? - One.
Go ahead.
Test! Test! Test! Yeah, the mic part seems to be working great, sweetie.
Daddy just needs to figure out how to make music come out.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey, babe.
I was working on that brief today, and it got me thinking.
Do we want to do snow cones for this party? - I love snow cones.
- Linda votes yes.
- Especially the red ones.
- Okay.
Are they supposed to be cherry or strawberry who knows? Linda, you're doing it again.
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
This is going to be the best party.
I had Linda get the most amazing party favors.
Oh, about that.
I couldn't find light up yo-yos, so instead I got pencil erasers.
Linda, I need to make up for last year, and pencil erasers that aren't even in the shape of cute little animals They had those! Would you have wanted those? Honey, when are you finally just going to give up on Linda? On speaker.
Hi, Linda.
Hi, Mitch.
Yo yo yo, it's me, your fro yo bro, Seymour Snowman.
Oh, hello neighbor girl.
Boom, got it.
Girls? Sadie, where's Maya? Mitch, please report to the upstairs bathroom.
How does Russell have the I gotta call you back.
Okay, so neighbor girl sees me in the shower.
Not such a big deal it's nothing she hasn't seen before.
She's five.
It's everything she hasn't seen before.
This is not good.
Not good.
What is happening? Dude, what is happening is I'm going to prison.
Calm down.
We're two grown men we can figure this out.
- I'm calling Tracy.
- I'm paging Ange.
I can't believe this.
What happened to "I got this"? I had such a bright future ahead of me.
Pediatrician weigh-in.
How bad is this? Well, a healthy conversation about body parts is good for a child because it minimizes shame.
Okay, so we helped her.
Yeah, you deserve a medal.
I can't believe our neighbor's daughter saw my best friend's - BBC.
- BBC? - Big, black - Oh.
- How did you know that? - How did you not know that? It's just C to me.
Guys, how do we even know for sure what she saw? The way I see it, we have two options.
One, we sit Maya down and we calmly inquire what she may or may not have seen upstairs and Whatever the other option is is what we're doing.
Excellent, excellent.
I am loving what I am not seeing.
Can't see past the towel to your danger zone.
I'm not exactly sure where the towel was.
It could have been a little to the right.
Okay.
Actually, that's even better.
All that girl got was an eyeful of terrycloth.
But it it could have been a little to the left.
Okay.
Oh, that's a straight shot to ding dong town.
Avi is going to be here any minute.
What are we going to do? I'm telling you, we just put one piece of bacon in that little Jewish girl, that's all she going to be talking about.
I think it's obvious.
We say something.
Or we say nothing.
- Or we say something.
- Or Trace, we have a very small window in which to come clean.
Once Avi leaves with his daughter, that window is closed.
- We're shutting that window now.
- Slamming it shut.
Why? Why not just have a rational conversation with the man and explain that his daughter accidentally Walked into the house next door and upstairs and into the bathroom to see her very first BBC? I get it now.
It's part of my vernacular.
Babe, any way that we try to explain this, it's going to sound so much worse than it actually is.
And we already know how Avi responded to you stealing his recycling can.
- I didn't steal it.
- You didn't steal it.
Mitch, in three days, I'm hosting a party for all the kids in the neighborhood.
If this gets out, we're going to become the penis house.
Once you become the penis house, that doesn't go away.
It's something the realtor has to disclose to the buyer.
What about the window? - Shut that window, Mitch.
- Pull the drapes.
'Cause we ain't home.
Thank you so much for looking after Maya.
- Hello, Russell.
- Avi.
Hi, Daddy.
Guess what I saw for the first time? Quick, give me a strip of bacon.
- Avi, I can explain.
- C-SPAN.
C-SPAN? Guilty.
Yeah, things got a little crazy over here.
There may have been a little filibustering.
Wait, wait, wait, you let my daughter watch television? I'm sorry, man, it's just, Devorah is very protective of our little angel.
You've just you got to be careful what the kids are exposed to.
Avi, I need to tell you something.
Mitch thinks you're really handsome for a man.
I got jealous for a while, but now I see it.
- Go home and process that.
- Shalom.
I'm told "shalom" means both hello and goodbye.
It's their aloha.
So I booked the commercial.
Costume's pretty embarrassing.
But hey, it's a job.
That's the uniform.
You don't hear lunch ladies complaining about their hair nets.
Plus, you get to be a snowman, which is cool.
Cool.
Nice.
I see what you did there.
I don't know if you see it, but I do.
She's not going to follow you on Twitter.
Sadie, you ready for your playdate with Maya and Gary Poppins? There he is.
Hey, bubble guy.
For a guy who spreads joy for a living, he seems kind of pissed off.
Avi, what are you doing here? Where's Gary going? - We fired him.
- Really? But the kids love him.
Yeah, well, this morning, Maya drew a picture of a naked man and his schvantz.
- Is that Jewish for - Uh-huh.
Oy.
So, Maya sees you in the shower, Doesn't seem fair.
Obviously the crayon that Maya used was flesh tone.
Not my flesh tone.
Thank God those crayon people are racist.
Do you think we should have said something? Are you I believe I was standing squarely in the "we have to say something" camp.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, you were right.
- How could you not lock the door? - I did lock the door.
Hi, everybody.
TGIF, am I right? Linda, it's Thursday.
I know, I'm just so excited.
Well, we're in the middle of something.
What's up? - Great.
Thanks.
- My pleasure.
which I guess is pronounced ooh-koo-lay-lay.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Freakin' Linda.
We have to say something to the Goldmans.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That window is closed, lady.
You slammed it shut on my fat little fingers.
- But, Mitch - Yeah, Trace, we agreed, - that window's closed.
- Closed.
- If we don't say anything - Okay, okay, hold on.
But Gary got fired.
Yes, for something he didn't do.
the "say something" argument.
You hire him.
Plus, who's going to steal away a pervy babysitter? We have to clear Gary's name.
He's performing at Sadie's party this Saturday.
And I can't have a pedophile birthday party.
That's a terrible theme.
Although it would take the stink off last year's Strippergate.
Babe, I keep telling you, Oh, you mean we shouldn't.
Why are you guys here? Avi, listen, I have something important to tell you.
Yesterday, when I was babysitting Maya Two seconds.
This'll give you time to plate me more kugel.
Hooray.
Russell, I'm telling them.
Mitch, you know how sometimes you're doing something, I'm not really paying attention, I'm just looking around the room and stuff? - Yeah.
- Well, it just paid off.
That picture Maya drew is on the fridge.
It's not a penis.
It's a third leg.
Come on.
This is no time to brag.
No, no.
A real third leg.
That thing's wearing a shoe.
Check it out.
Go.
Go.
Ugh.
- Clearly a leg and a shoe.
- Right? Okay, so we just point out it's not a penis.
- Gary gets his job.
- Problem solved.
No one needs to know.
Guys, what's going on? - Your daughter saw his penis.
- Unbelievable.
So Maya didn't see Gary, she saw Russell.
- What? - But on the plus side hear me out.
I don't think she saw anything because that picture on your refrigerator is not a penis.
It's a third leg.
With a shoe.
The curly thing's a shoelace.
So you're saying that this drawing on our fridge is not of your genitals.
- Bingo.
- Yeah.
Of course not.
Do you think that we would hang a crayon drawing of man-parts in the middle of our kitchen? I mean, when you tell me you don't eat pork, I have to question your entire decision-making process.
- Not helping.
- That is not the picture.
This is.
Say what you want about me, but this guy, his only crime is being an incredible best friend.
I mean, a little And the door would have been locked.
- Mitch - Dropping it.
The headline here is "kid-friendly.
" But in a good way.
Obviously what happened here is horrible, but Maya is Sadie's best friend, and Sadie would be devastated if Maya wasn't at her birthday party, so please come.
You'll see that we're normal, pants-wearing people.
Just give us a chance to process this.
- Sure.
- Of course.
Thank you.
Awkward question.
Is there a reason that you're keeping this? This party is going to be fantastic.
Linda, thank you so much.
I know that I've been crazy the last couple days, I just here.
Why don't you go help yourself to a snow cone? I thought we said no to snow cones.
Why would we say no to snow cones? Linda, I need 12 snow cones.
Come on, Linda.
You better than that.
But the thing is, she isn't.
Ah-choo.
Oh, that kid just ruined some perfectly good Pirate Booty.
Going to wash my hands again.
Hey.
Oh, you made it.
Oh, aloha.
See? They showed up.
Everything worked out.
Whoa, whoa, you told everyone about that? That was private information involving my daughter.
No, no, I was I'm just messing with you.
Come on.
Look at this guy.
His shoulders got all hunched up he's nervous.
It's a kids' party, all right? Just have a juice box, enjoy yourself.
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Gary said he's not coming.
What? Why's he not coming? Uh, he did seem pretty angry about the way things went down.
Not kidding about that.
So, okay, okay, we have 12 five-year-olds for the next two hours with no entertainment.
Look at them.
They're already talking about me.
They're not talking about you.
No, I was just eavesdropping, and they're definitely talking about you.
Is it true what the moms are saying? No bubbles? Oh, this is a disaster.
Look at them.
Every single one of those moms is staring down her reconstructed nose at me.
Do you know how much work I put into this party? Linda, please, I'm begging you to stop.
Okay, how about we just put a movie on for the kids? Yeah, yeah.
Let's give 'em Disney crap.
I'm not going to be the mother that plays a movie at a birthday party.
Yeah, great idea, guys, and for refreshments we'll just serve them peanut products and wine.
Can we just think of something before they burn this place down? Yeah, guys, think, think, think.
What do kids love more than anything? - Snow cones? - Linda.
Please.
Don't mind if I do.
Just need to find something.
Snow cones.
A fun frozen treat.
Oh, Mitch.
That's it.
Let's go to my house and get the karaoke machine.
Are you doing what I think you're doing? You know it.
Anything for Tracy.
Baby, get ready to turn that frown upside down, because this is going to be the best birthday party ever.
Actually, it's just a six-year-old's birthday party, but it's going to be great.
Tushies or knees.
Tushies or knees.
- At least take off your shoes.
- No.
Check, check, one, two, check.
Excuse me.
Does anyone here like "Frozen"? - Oh, my God, it's going to work.
- Sadie, Sadie, come on up.
Well, for legal reasons, I have to inform you that what you are about to see has nothing to do with that beloved tale.
Babe, they're children.
Just ease up on the legalese.
From the city of Barendelle.
Please welcome Bolaf.
I made the snow cones, so in a way it's kind of my idea.
Look at those moms smiling at what you've done.
Well, except for Annabelle's mom.
She's had so much work, she can't move her face.
You know, it's not about them.
It's about that look right there in Sadie's eyes.
Here I come, children.
A couple of things about me.
I love summer, that you know, but I am not crazy about germs, so if y'all could, like Suck it up, Bolaf.
Okay, kids, it's fun time.
Yay! My chocolate snowman.
- Mitch, you did it.
- We did it.
When it's hot and you're sweating The thing that I'm forgetting Ooh, the party has started.
- Is that his? - Yep.
Oh, my God.
Chloe, come here.
What is with this family? It's okay, kids.
Hey, you can touch me.
Where you going, kids? Man, you can touch me.
I mean, you know, at least he's circcid.
Show's over, snowman.
- Why? Kids love me.
- Ding dong town.
- Oh.
- Come on.
Great idea, Linda.
What's going on behind me, or are you just going to leave it green? It's going to be green the whole time? Hi, it's Seymour the Snowman here for fro Hi, it's Seymour the Snowman here for f Hey, Seymour the Snow okay, time out, time out, time out.
That's the opposite of time out.
Yoyo, yo aaah! Aaah! Brain freeze.
Brain freeze.
Some of this.
What do you mean, I can't sit? I need to sit down for a second.
What do you mean, I can't sit? Hi.
It's Seymour the Snowman here.
This is disgusting.
The best thing about this frozen yogurt is the spoon.